Eye of the Beholder

Author’s Note

Chapter 28. The Space Between Us
The next two days were difficult for both Sasha and Snape. Sasha kept her time in the lab to a minimum, stopping in only every hour to fulfill her potion monitoring duties. She did not wait in his office during the time between, as she once did. Instead, she walked the halls, thinking. Snape, however, had no choice but to spend most of his time in the lab, as he had the Death Eater potions to watch. They were almost finished, and needed but one more day to settle out before he could decant them. They would be ready the morning of the Revel.
 
Snape realized it was imperative that he speak with Sasha tonight, regardless if she wanted to or not. The Dark Revel was tomorrow evening, and many things could happen then. He needed to speak with her before it. Even if he did not succeed in settling the issues between them, at least he would make her sit and listen to his side of things. If nothing else, he knew he at least had tried.
 
That evening, Snape was waiting for her when she came in to start her shift. There were a few things they had to talk about. First, it was time to remove her potion from the fire and let it set. He was sure it was now finished, and would need a day or two to solidify. The other was that she had had enough time to sulk. They needed to talk.
 
Snape watched as Sasha entered the lab. As usual, she ignored him, and immediately walked over to her potion to check on it. It was quite viscous now, to the point where it was difficult to stir. Snape stood and walked over to stand right behind her as she was leaning over her cauldron.
 
He could smell the subtle scent of lavender coming off from her hair. He had forgotten how good she smelled. Being this close to her after the vast emotional separation between them was disturbing to him. He fought the need to gather her hair in his hands, and bring it up to his face. He wanted to feel his arms go around her, touch the softness of her skin and feel the moist warmth of her lips against his. Most of all, he needed to hear that she forgave him for what he did in the past.
 
Snape stood there and did none of these things.
 
She could feel his presence behind her, and knew it was time they spoke. She had to admit with a bit of distance and time to think about things, she had a better perspective on the events. It did not ce hoe how she now felt, but she could at least talk to him without too many accusations.
 
She turned to face him. He was standing very close to her, staring at her with his black, depthless eyes. She had forgotten the way his hair always seemed to frame his face in such a way to make him seem so mysterious, so dangerous. At the moment his face was emotionless, and she had no clue as to what he was thinking.
 
"It’s time was spoke Sasha," he said with finality. He indicated the door to his office with an outstretched hand. Resigned, she nodded, lowering her head and breaking his gaze. She walked out into his office with leaden feet, sitting herself heavily on the couch. Snape sat down beside her. This was not going to be easy, and he felt the dread start to build up from his stomach, reaching towards his heart.
 
Snape broke the tense silence. "Sasha, I want you to know that I had no idea Lucius would say those things when he came here. That those events happened to involve both of us came as much as a shock to me as it did to you. In some ways, even more so. I feel very responsible for what happened to you that day, and if given the chance I would do things very differently." He noticed she was staring straight ahead, a stony expression on her face, but she was still listening to him, and did not interrupt. He continued.
 
"Yes, I admit I was part of that terrible day, and that I did leave you alone with Avery and Lucius. However, you must know that at least I made an effort to try to dissuade Avery from touching you." He looked at her, and felt another stab of guilt. Feeling awkward about sha his his feelings and worrying he was bringing up more painful memories for her, he knew he had to keep going. He took a deep breath and continued.
 
"You must also remember that I was not the one who actually touched you, Sasha. That was Avery." He turned to face her, and he made a conscience decision to reach for her hand. He squeezed it, but did not receive a response in return.
 
"Sasha, I had no idea you were that child. Even when we started making the potion together, I had no inkling. I never asked you how you got your scar. Perhaps if I did, maybe I would have remembered, and we would not be in this position today." He looked at her, probing her for a response to his words.
 
Sasha looked up at him, her gray eyes filled with unshed tears. He felt a very slight squeeze of her hand, and was encouraged by it.
 
"I know that," she said slowly. "Even though I feel a great deal of anger towards everyone involved, I do realize you at least made an effort to stop him. However, I still cannot get over the fact that you were there to begin with. You were still a part of that group." She tried very hard to keep the resentment out of her voice.
 
Snape let go of her hand. She was obviously still coming to grips with the incident and his involvement. That hurt, however at least they were talking about it, which meant they were making progress.
 
"Sasha, the last time we talked, I told you about the terrible things I did when I was younger, and heavily involved with the Death Eaters. I never hid those things from you. However, you never indicate that you had such a problem with it. Why now?" Snape was genuinely confused. If she truly loved him for who he was, as she knew him now, then it should not matter to her what he did in the past. She even admitted she realized he had tried to help her.
 
Sasha looked at him with hurt in her eyes. Her breathing increased, and Snape could tell she was becoming more emotional.
 
"Because it is fine and dandy when you are presented with these things at a safe distance, separated from the events by time and space. It is something else all together when you are directly involved in an incident," she said heatedly. "Do you know that every morning I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, I am reminded of what happened. And now, I know who caused it. And it makes me angry. At Lucius, at Avery, and yes, at you," she admitted quietly.
 
"To you, Lucius’s revelation was just another memory of another outing with the Death Eaters. Nothing special. To me, it unlocked a key event in my life. That day changed me forever. It forced me to become a different person than what I may have been had I not walked out into that field that particular morning," she said, her emotions just barely in check.
 
She stared at him for the longest time before looking away, trying to calm herself. Snape waited for her to continue, but she did not.
 
"Sasha. I have to know where we stand as a result of this," Snape said simply. "If this had caused so much damage between us that any sort of relationship, be it as a mentor, a friend, or otherwise, is not possible, then I must know," he said.
 
He kept his emotions carefully hidden, but inside he was sure she no longer wanted anything to do with him. He knew he had lost her love for him, and the knowledge made him feel very empty inside. He had no idea he had felt so strongly for her until he realized he had probably lost her heart. He stared at her, hoping she understood how important this was to him.
 
Sasha was trying to fight down the tears. How do I feel about him?, she asked herself. Anger, betrayal, and hurt, yes. But love? She closed her eyes tight.
 
"Snape," she started, then opened her eyes to see him staring at her. The momentary flash of pain at her not using his given name was there but a moment, but she saw it in his eyes.
 
"Severus," she tried again, this time gentler. "I have to admit that yes, despite the conflict that has happened, I still care for you. I am really hurting right now, emotionally, and it will take some time for me to accept the truth of what happened. But that fact is, I still do love you. You are right in that I cannot hold your past against you, and I can only judge you based on what type of person you are today." She stopped and he could tell she was trying to gather her thoughts.
 
"I guess I have to ask you the same question. How do you feel about me?" She looked at him carefully, but saw no change in his expression at her question. "This is something I have never really been clear on, and in many ways, I have been too frightened to ask. I am well aware that you probably are not in love with me. However, I want to know if you see the potential of anything developing between us." She peered at him, her emotions clearly written across her face. Snape could tell she was being as honest with him as he could ever ask.
 
He momemomentarily shocked at her words. She was wrestling with her emotions, but she still cared for him. Even after all that had happened, that he was still worthy of her love amazed him. He reached forward and ran a finger down the good side of her face. He pulled her to him gently and she went willingly. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into her shoulder, holding tight. Love her? Probably. It had been so long since he had felt any type of love that he had forgotten how the emotion felt.
 
She could feel Snape’s need for forgiveness, but it was more than that. He was not one who was comfortable verbalizing his feelings, however she could feel his love for her in his embrace. She smiled, knowing there was still a chance they could work things out between them.
 
Snape stroked her hair and just needed to feel her next to him. He lightly kissed her temple, not letting up on his tight embrace. He felt the dam of his emotional control slowly crumbling, and he was filled with the most incredible mix of joy, forgiveness, acceptance, and yes, love. He let up on his hold and moved back to look at her in the eyes. He gazed intensely, smiling at her in such as way that she would know for sure how he felt for her. It was slow, but she eventually smiled back, and he knew she understood.
 
"Sasha, I will never, ever again, let you down. I promise you, as much as I can help it, I will never let anyone hurt you ever again," he swore, holding her face between his large hands. She reached up and placed her smaller hands over his.
 
"I believe you, Severus."
 
More than anything else, he wanted to just hold her there, tight in his arms, for the rest of the night. Unfortunately, they did have a few things to finish off in the lab. And, he had to talk to her about tomorrow night. About Lucius. He was concerned Lucius may try to come and take her to participate in the Dark Revel as one of the unfortunates. She saw the look of concern cross his face briefly.
 
"What," she asked, concerned. "What is it?"
Snape lowered his hands from her face and looked at her seriously. "It is Lucius. I am concerned about you. Tomorrow is the Dark Revel, and I am worried he will try to come for you in order to get back at me."
 
Sasha nodded, the seriousness of the situation coming to light. "Actually, I have thought about that myself. I know he was pretty angry with me for attacking him the other day. I realize it is a distinct possibility that he may try to come for me to get back at both of us. That is something we will have to try to avoid, and if possible, plan for," she said solemnly.
 
Snape was even more amazed at her steel resolve. Even after all that she had been through in the past, after failing her once before, she was still willing to be with him despite the dangers that went with it. He was beginning to really understand what true love really meant, and he was humbled by it.
 
Snape stood, and took her by the hand. He looked at her with regret.
 
"Unfortunately, we still have about an hours worth of work to do on the potions. We must complete them. We can then let them cool overnight, and decant them in the morning. In the meantime, we can discuss how we will prepare for Lucius’s arrival."
 
"And after that?" Sasha asked.
 
Snape smiled down at her with a wicked smile full of promise. "Then I get you to myself, for the rest of the evening, and into the morning," he said.
 
Sasha blushed to the very roots of her hair. She looked up at him.
 
"Promise?" she asked, teasingly.
 
"Promise," he replied.