Pains and Contradictions

A/N: I'm so glad to be writing this story again. I took a nearly three month break in writing it while I was busy moving and writing my Snarry Games fic. The Snarry Games fic, entitled The Weight We Carry, has a very complicated plot and it took a lot out of me to write it, but in that good way. I can honestly say it was a wonderful learning experience and I'm so pleased that I'm a part of the games. The story can be found here: http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snarry_games/253299.html

It is good to be back though. This chapter had been begging to be written for so long and I'm so glad it's finally here. Thank you all for sticking around during the long wait.

There were a few people who reviewed the last chapter and asked to be up on the update list, but failed to leave their email addresses. If you'd leave your email address in a review I will happily add you to my update list. : )

Thanks go to thesewarmstars for a SPaG beta, WhiteCotton for looking over my plot and keeping the POV straight and Torina for giving it a last read-through. A kiss and a wave go out to all the wonderful people over at SeverusSighs.


The Bold Continue


"A storm is raging. Nevertheless they go forward in their madness. The air becomes difficult to breathe. The abyss yawns below them. Some fall. Others stop and retrace their steps; there is a sad weariness. The bold ones continue. They are eyed by the eagles; the lightning plays about them; the hurricane is furious. No matter, they persevere." -- Victor Hugo.


Harry was famished.

He sat at the dining room table at the Burrow and buried his head in his hands, trying to ignore how weak his entire body felt and how badly his stomach was cramping from hunger.

God, how long had it been since he'd eaten anything? Or had a glass of water?

From the dryness of his mouth and the pain in his gut, it felt like days had passed since he'd had either and he closed his eyes in an attempt to ignore yet another dizzy spell.

Suddenly, the sound of a metal door opening pierced through the ache and the most wonderful smell wafted through the room. He inhaled deeply and could almost taste the rich flavor of the meat, how juicy it would be and how tender. It was torture; the wonderful aroma a living, breathing thing, making his mouth and throat clench.

"Ron?" he said, his voice scratchy and as dry as his tongue. "What's that smell?"

He looked up just in time to see Ron leaning down to look into the oven, poke whatever was in it with a set of prongs experimentally, and then close the door again.

Standing up and pulling a teapot from the cupboard, Ron said, "I'm making a roast," in a tone so casual another person might have thought Ron made roasts on a daily basis.

The sound of water filling a teapot assaulted Harry's ears and his attention divided into two lines–raw want to taste that smell and the agonizing need for something to quench his thirst.

"A–a roast?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

Teapot now filled and fire lit, Ron turned around in time to answer Harry with a shrug.

The smell of the roast mesmerized him and Harry's stomach tightened painfully. Just a taste, a lick of his tongue along the wafts of the warm, juicy aroma... His mind focused on it, unable to think of anything else.

"Ron...please...I want to eat. Can't remember the last I ate... Please–starving."

"I know you are, Harry," Ron said solemnly. "Roast'll be done soon."

Dizziness rolled over him in increasing waves, but all he could think about was the smell of the roast, the sound of the water. His head no longer able to stay upright through the weakness, he lowered his head to his hands again.

He swallowed and his tongue stuck to the back of his mouth, its surface rough and swollen.

"Water," he pleaded, his voice weaker than before. "For the love of God, Ron...water."

"Tea's brewing Harry. And it's that blend you really like. It's really spicy and it'll go great with the roast. Just wait a few minutes longer."

If Harry had the strength he would have pounded his fist on the table, but instead expressed his indignation through a whimper.

"Ron," he said, his voice barely reaching above a whisper. "Please, please...something to eat. I'm... Drink, Ron. Anything. I'm dying here."

A chair scraped along the floor at the other side of the table and Harry saw red hair through his fingers. He looked up and saw the worried gaze of his friend looking right back at him.

"I know you are, Harry. You just have to wait a little longer. I promise."

Harry opened his eyes, then promptly closed them again.

Lying in his bed, curtains pulled firmly shut, he felt the same ache and fatigue he had felt hours before and wondered how long he had been asleep. The pain of separation from Severus followed him even into his dreams and Harry wanted nothing more than to call for him and let them both rest.

But what he wanted meant nothing.

Pulling his wand from his bedside table, he cast Tempus and noted it was six in the evening.

"Damn," he muttered, closing his eyes again. He'd been in bed the entire day and had missed Potions, of all classes. The flood of emotion that fell upon him spoke of exactly how worried Severus had become. He was surprised he'd been left alone this long.

"Harry?"

He groaned and pulled his curtain back, looking up into Neville's concerned face. "Yeah?"

"Are you feeling alright? It's dinnertime."

Another groan and he let the curtain fall shut again before he rolled over and contemplated returning to sleep.

"I'm fine, Neville. Just really tired."

"Are you sure? You were asleep all day."

Harry burrowed his face into his pillow and took a deliberate breath, feeling Severus' pain as a heavy weight on his chest.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired."

A pale light shone down on his face and Harry pulled his blanket over him as Neville pulled back the curtain.

"You should eat if you're not feeling well."

"I will," Harry said into his pillow. "Promise."

There was silence and then an added weight on the bed prompted him to shift.

"Do you want me to call Professor Lupin?"

Harry had no desire for anyone to see him like this, least of all Remus. "No, I'm up," he said, lifting himself out of bed slowly and reaching for his glasses.

Neville promptly handed them to him and then let the curtain fall back.

"Harry...if you're not feeling well, you should see Pomfrey." Neville was quiet for a moment before he quietly said, "And you shouldn't play tomorrow. I don't care what anyone says. You can't play Quidditch if you're sick."

Saying nothing, Harry pulled his t-shirt and trousers on and tried to ignore the weight that seemed to be pushing him down by his shoulders.

"I'm not sick," he said, hoping Neville would just drop it.

He turned to face the door, wanting nothing more than to leave the awkward conversation, but Neville was standing in his way.

"Harry...if you want to talk about Ron, we can."

Harry had a sudden urge to laugh hysterically, but he stopped himself. Better that Neville suspect he wasn't dealing with his friend's death than the truth.

"Thanks, Neville, but I'm fine. Really. I was just tired."

Neville nodded and stepped out of his way, and Harry promptly walked to the door. His hand was already turning the knob when Neville said, "I think Hermione's waiting for you in the Common Room. She was really worried when you didn't show up for class."

Wonderful, Harry thought as Neville walked past him and down the stairs.

It wasn't as though he didn't want to talk to Hermione. Of course he did. She was his friend, after all.

But he could no longer say she was his best friend. Remus filled that role more than anyone else these days. Their quiet companionship was the only thing that had kept him sane these past weeks of only seeing Severus during class and meals at the Great Hall.

And whose fault was that exactly? Harry hadn't felt right letting her know about his friendship with Severus in the summer, not after he had helped him to get over his grief for Ron so quickly.

And though he knew he had no cause to have felt guilt over it, he had.

Now it had been three weeks since he had even spoken to Severus. Three weeks since he had betrayed Harry in the most selfish of ways, and he didn't think he could fall any further.

He thought it had been bad in the beginning when they had first bonded and Severus had sent him away. The pain that Severus felt was beyond his comprehension and Harry thought it couldn't get any worse, and yet... The past three weeks had been hell and Harry had to fight to keep himself from completely giving up hope of ever even speaking to Severus again.

Because as much as he was still so angry with him, he did still love him.

That bastard.

Deliberately putting one foot in front of the other, he had to force himself to keep his eyes open, to move down the stairs and not simply crawl back into bed as he wanted to.

Worry washed over him from the bond and Harry knew that Severus was concerned over his absence. No matter, he thought. He knew there would be no sign from Severus, nothing to inquire how he was. Severus already knew how he suffered and a simple absence was not going to change anything. Harry was no longer certain anything would.

He nearly stumbled after the last stair, not having noticed they had ended and fumbled a bit for the banister.

"Harry? Are you alright?"

He was getting very tired of people asking him that question.

Annoyed now, he looked up into the frightened and concerned gaze of his friend, her soft, sad brown eyes calming his irritation and making him wish he had some power to take away her grief.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied with practiced ease.

Hermione bit her lip and seemed to steel herself, taking his hand and pulling him into the corner of the common room where no one would see them upon returning from dinner.

She was standing very close to him, Harry only at that moment realizing they were alone.

"Harry," she started and looked up at him with a soft kind of sadness he had never seen before. "Harry, you don't have to go through this alone."

He shut his eyes in what could have passed as a prolonged blink as he realized Hermione had no idea what 'this' was. Crestfallen, he cursed himself, cursed the situation he was in and most of all cursed Severus for doing this to them in the first place.

"I know you miss him," she said slowly. "I miss him too." She took a step closer to him and laced her fingers with his own, her hand soft and her fingers feeling small in his hand.

"But we don't have to cry alone anymore. We can have each other. I think... I think he would want that for us, Harry. He'd want to know that we could be happy together..." she trailed off as she stood on her toes and leaned her face towards Harry.

Time seemed to slow down as he saw her lips approach his, felt her breasts press against his chest, the smell of something soft and beautiful invading his senses.

He minutely turned his head so that her lips kissed the air, then released her hand.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

She placed her feet firmly on the ground, her lessened height making it seem as though she shrank before his refusal, and for a moment Harry wished things were different, if only so he didn't have to see that look upon her lovely face.

"Oh," she said softly. "Oh," she said again, this time more forcefully, as though she was understanding something for the first time. "Oh, how silly of me to think... Yes, you're right of course."

"Hermione..."

"No, I'm... I'm sorry, Harry. How stupid of me to... How very stupid."

"Hermione, it's not that I don't love you–I do."

"Oh, please don't say that," she said, looking as though she was about to cry. "Really, I'm the stupid one here, no need to..." she trailed off and lowered her eyes to the floor.

Harry stood there in silence, not wanting to abandon her, yet wanting to bolt for the door at the same time.

"You're not sad because of Ron, are you?" It was more a statement than a question.

He hated to tell her the truth, wishing for a moment that he was still with her in her grief, if only so she wouldn't be alone. "I miss him, but no. I'm not sad because of Ron."

Hermione nodded and looked away, but not before Harry saw a single tear fall from her eye. He wanted nothing more than to comfort her, his guilt for their current situation raging inside him.

Confusion

Bewilderment

Worry

Harry felt Severus' concern for him through the bond, but he pushed it to the back of his mind in a practiced move. Severus could worry all he wanted; Harry knew it would do nothing to make him realize his selfishness.

"Then why are you so sad?" Hermione's voice pulled him from his thoughts.

Harry remained silent, having no idea what to say. For the longest time he had thought of Hermione as one of his best friends, but how could she possibly understand what he was going through? He knew that she understood loss, but he refused to burden her with any of his own pain. And how could he even begin to explain what was going on with Severus?

"Is there someone else?"

Harry exhaled loudly as he considered how to answer that question. Yes, there was someone else. There would always be someone else because there was no one else for him except Severus. Severus who at this moment seemed to be pacing in the back of Harry's consciousness.

"Yes," he said plainly.

She turned to look at him and he didn't think the expression on her face could fall any further.

"Oh."

There was quiet between them and Harry felt his heart speed up at the opportunity to tell her about what had happened, tell her about the bond.

He shook his head, telling himself there was no way he would add to her burdens.

"Is she some stupid girl who doesn't know what she has in front of her?" Hermione said with a false smile. "What's her name?"

Oh, Harry thought and wondered if he could at least tell her this. Somehow, he thought she deserved to know, and he wanted her to know some part of him, no matter how small.

"His."

"What?" Hermione said, frowning.

"His name. 'What's his name?'"

Quiet fell upon the Common Room as Hermione's eyes widened slightly and he could tell that she was trying very hard to stay still. He met her eyes though, and tried to make her understand, tried to will her to accept it.

"Oh," she breathed, and this time he could see her hand tremble as she wiped away another errant tear.

"Yeah," he said lamely.

"Are you..." she said, then stopped herself and Harry could almost hear her telling herself that it was none of her business.

"It's okay," he said softly. "You can ask."

"Are you gay?" she asked in a whisper.

He would have thought it impossible for his emotions to grow more tumultuous, and yet her question caused him to recall all of the terrible things Severus had asked him the night he kicked him out of his rooms over a month ago.

"And when exactly did you realize this, Potter? Around the time my cock entered your arse, or after I made you come?"
Worry

Fear

Harry closed his eyes and tried to calm himself, lest Severus bust into the Common Room, wand out and ready for battle. As much as he needed to see Severus, Harry still had no desire to manipulate him.

Finally calm enough, he gave the only answer he could give her.

"I don't know."

She seemed to grow even more confused at that.

"Are you...experimenting or..."

"No, I'm not. I..." he exhaled a strong puff of air and put a hand behind his head. "It's complicated, and terrible and..."

"Oh. It's okay, Harry," she said though from her tone he could tell it was not. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I know," he said with a soft smile, hardly encouraged when she couldn't summon the strength to smile back. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Is it serious? Do you love him?" she said softly, as though she were afraid her words would carry.

"Yes," he said plainly, with conviction, not wanting to lie to her.

Hermione nodded and looked away, suddenly seeming so small to him.

"Well...it's always good to love somebody."

Harry nodded and looked at his shoes, not knowing what to say now.

"Does he love you?"

A lump formed in Harry's throat and he closed his eyes for a moment, his anguish and despair welling up inside him.

"Yes," he said, not having the strength to explain anything else.

There was quiet as she seemed to weight his words and her own response. Finally she asked, "Then why are you so sad?"

Harry took a deep breath and exhaled it in a soft moan that seemed to startle Hermione. "It's complicated."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Don't worry. If he loves you and you love him...it'll work out."

Harry summoned the last of his strength and returned her smile, though everything inside him was crying out.

"I want us to be close again, Harry. I've missed you."

Partly from the desire to comfort her and partly from the need for some human contact, Harry took her in his arms and buried his face in her hair. She seemed surprised at first, but was quick to wrap her arms around him, realizing at once that the embrace wasn't only for her benefit.

His eyes closed, Harry allowed himself to take some comfort from her and at once felt awful for using her so terribly.

"It'll be okay, Harry," she said in his ear.

He nodded automatically.

"Really. It'll be alright." A pause, and then, "You could tell me about it, if you'd like to."

He shook his head and said, "No," pulling back and stepping away from her. "At some point, yeah, but not right now."

She nodded and took a step back from him awkwardly, and Harry thought at once that she had never seemed more broken.

"We should go to dinner. You're probably famished."

The idea of sitting down and attempting to eat in front of all his classmates, who knew something was wrong with him, made his head pound. Even with Hermione there, he knew he wouldn't be able to handle the bustle of the Great Hall.

He shook his head in response to her statement. "I think I'll eat with Remus."

"But..."

"I'll see you later, Hermione," he said, nearly bolting out the door.

*

"It was the most awkward conversation of my life, Remus," Harry said miserably as he poked at his chicken. "And I'm including the time Severus kicked me out of his rooms."

Remus winced a bit at that but said nothing, instead choosing that moment to push some more peas onto Harry's plate.

"I don't like peas," he protested, hating how even that innocuous phrase sounded depressing to his ears.

"You don't like much of anything. Pick one thing you do like and eat it, please."

Harry rolled his eyes and pushed his plate away. "I don't need feeding up and I don't come here to be pestered."

"Oh?" Remus said, his tone irritated and his words clipped. "Why exactly do you come here?" Leaning back in his chair and giving him what could pass for a glare, Harry thought perhaps Remus' seemingly eternal patience had at last been pushed to its limit.

Harry sighed. "Might have something to do with you being my best friend and all," he said into his peas.

There was silence and Harry looked up through his fringe, finding Remus smiling shyly, almost as though he wanted to conceal it but, being so unused to concealing any emotion, found it impossible.

"Be that as it may, as your friend, it falls to me to make sure you continue existing. You need food for that."

Harry buried some of his peas under his mashed potatoes, but Remus saw anyway. "I like chicken, but I'm not that hungry."

"Eat half."

The sound of a fork hitting a plate sounded in the room and Harry buried his face in his hands and groaned. "I'm not hungry, damn it!" He hadn't had an appetite for weeks and Remus knew that! He hadn't been able to eat properly since Severus' bout of selfishness with the Polyjuice. Everything had seemed to lose its flavor since then.

Suddenly, another pair of hands were on him, pulling his own away and he was looking into Remus' scarred face.

"Do you want to worry Severus even more than he's already worried? Do you see the way he looks at you in the Great Hall? Do you want him to come up here like this? Out of concern for you? Because if you've changed your mind about manipulating him–"

Harry pushed his hands away from him and responded, "No! How could you even think that?"

"Because you're deliberately hurting yourself, which means you're deliberately hurting Severus. I can't say that I would approve of you doing so, but I could possibly understand after all this time–"

"No! God, no!" Harry cried, running a hand through his hair and trying to calm himself down. "I don't want him that way. Besides, I'm so angry with him...all the time...and he's so...he's just miserable." Harry stopped himself from continuing, no longer able to discuss what was always in the forefront of his mind.

"I know, Harry," Remus said, again pushing Harry's plate in front of him.

Exhausted, Harry looked down at his chicken as though it held the answer to his problems.

Guilt

Worry

Harry closed his eyes as Severus' ever-present emotions swirled within him and whispered, "Is it so difficult to believe that I'm just not hungry?"

"For a seventeen-year-old young man who plays Quidditch? Yes, it is. Eat half and I'll be satisfied. Besides, you face Slytherin tomorrow."

Harry scoffed at the reminder, as though house rivalries had allowed him to forget at any time this week. "For once, I couldn't give a damn about Quidditch."

"I know, Harry. But it's a part of your life and you have to keep it up. Otherwise, what would you do? Stay holed up here with me?"

Harry grinned sadly and looked up at Remus. "Probably."

Remus smiled warmly in reply and said, "Eat."

He barely managed to refrain from rolling his eyes and took a bite of his chicken. It seemed tasteless to him and he swore some of it stuck to his throat as he swallowed it, forcing him to take a sip of water as he leaned back in his chair.

"About Hermione..." Remus said casually, though Harry knew the coming conversation would be anything but.

"What about her?"

"Do you think you can repair your friendship?"

Harry sighed and ate a bite of potato as he considered the question.

"We're so distant now and not only because of Ron. The past few years... What with Cedric and then Sirius..." Harry took another sip of water, his throat feeling scratchy and parched.

"It's been a long time coming, is what I'm trying to say. This is nothing new. We've been growing apart the entire time."

Remus nodded, but said nothing. After a few moments of silence, Harry said, "You did warn me about her. After Ron died. But I don't know how I could have done anything different."

"No. Neither do I. I think you handled it as best you could, considering the circumstances. You never led her on?"

Harry glared at that, not even bothering to dignify it with a response. Remus seemed to understand the ridiculousness of his question and did not ask again, just nodded and glanced down at Harry's plate.

Unable even to fathom taking another bite, he pushed it away and sank further into his chair.

"I wanted to tell her about Severus."

"Why didn't you?" Remus asked, his voice soft and kind. He looked at Harry tenderly and waited for him to speak.

A hysterical laugh bubbled out of him and he said, "What would I say? I mean, how would even I start? 'Hey, Hermione. I know you think you're in love with me, but I'm actually in love with our potions professor who loves me back but thinks he's a monster and won't let himself near me.' Something like that?"

"It's a start."

A genuine laugh erupted from Harry, hearty and deep, taking him completely by surprise. It felt so good to laugh again, even if it was due to some ridiculous joke he had completely walked into.

"Ah," he sighed happily. "Thank you for that."

"My pleasure." He sat back in his chair, mirroring Harry's relaxed posture and rubbed his eyes with his hand. "Wish Severus had another bottle of that Scotch. It would do some good about now."

Harry smiled weakly, but the brief relief the laughter brought had passed.

Clearing his throat, Remus looked at Harry soberly. "But about Hermione..." he said, trailing off as the smile left his face. "You should try to repair your friendship with her if it's at all possible. You're going to need your friends around you very soon, I think."

Somehow Harry knew Remus wasn't referring to Severus. Voldemort Harry thought, as a chill ran down his back. "Has there been any new activity?"

Remus nodded his head, the gray and brown hair swishing about comically. "More raids, all purposeless save for the destruction and disorder they cause. Whatever Voldemort is planning, if he even has a plan at this point, it doesn't seem to make any sense. I can understand why he attacked the Hogwarts Express, even if we don't know exactly why he wanted you–"

"Yeah, nothing new there," Harry interrupted snidely.

Ignoring the crassness of his tone, Remus carried on. "–abducting the enemy makes sense. These raids do not. It's almost as though he's trying to distract us, but neither Dumbledore nor Severus has any idea what the real purpose could be."

Harry leaned further into his seat, interested in the conversation but fatigued despite having slept all day.

"I would prefer it if he did have some master plan. That would make all of this slightly less frightening," Remus muttered, almost to himself.

Harry's head fell for a moment as he nearly dozed off, so tired now, but he rallied to ask, "How so?"

"Would you rather have an enemy who makes measured, planned attacks, or one who was completely insane, attacking the world at random? If Voldemort wants you, we can protect you. We can't protect the entire world."

"Oh," Harry said, nodding. He did care what Remus was saying and he did want to hear about Order business. How often had he complained in the past about not being allowed to know what was happening in his own life?

But he was so tired, Severus' pain a constant weight upon his shoulders. If he could only rest his eyes for a moment...

"Harry," Remus said, shaking his shoulder. "It's past ten, Harry."

Harry exhaled deeply as he muttered, "Remus?"

"Yeah. Time to get back to your dorm. Can't sleep here."

Harry protested as Remus pulled him a bit by his arms. "Why not? Chair's nice."

"If you stay here one night, you'll never leave. And you need to be among your friends."

"But you're my friend," Harry protested, not understanding why he was being sent away.

Remus chuckled and opened the door to his rooms. "Goodnight, Harry. Stairs are that way, in case you've forgotten."

"Sod off," Harry muttered, which only made Remus chuckle more.

"Careful on those stairs."

"Yeah," Harry said with a yawn, glad that the staircase down didn't seem prone to move anytime soon. The door hadn't shut yet and he knew Remus was going to watch him walk all the way down, which was ridiculous. He was tired, but he wasn't that tired.

Yawning and stretching a kink out of his shoulder, Harry managed to put a foot on the first step when suddenly his body stiffened, feeling as though he had been dropped into freezing water.

Panic

Fear

Dread

Instantly Harry was wide awake, the flood of emotion from Severus causing a sudden rush of adrenaline, his body responding to the terror in it before Harry even had a chance to understand it.

He stood there, his breathing shallow and his shoulders stiff, his entire body tightening as he came to understand exactly what was happening.

He couldn't say exactly how he knew. There was no pain in his scar, nor was there any phantom tinge on his left arm. There was no physical sensation that could explain what he suddenly realized, and yet Harry knew with absolute certainty that Severus was being called.

His heated flesh broke out in a layer of sweat as his mind rushed to catch up with what his body and heart knew.

Severus is being called.

After months of nothing, after allowing him to be tortured and treated as a thing by Lucius Malfoy, Voldemort was calling Severus back to his side.

Oh God, what is he going to do?

"Harry?" Remus said, his voice barely cutting into the panic Harry felt. "What's wrong? What's happened?"

His hands clenching into fists, his fingernails embedding themselves into his skin, he tried to slow his mind down, tried to calm himself so he could think. Severus is being called. Oh, God what the fuck is he going to do?

And yet Harry already knew what Severus would do. He would go, returning to the place where he had nearly died, all in the name of defending Harry.

And where did that leave Harry? How was he to stop–

His mind running in circles, Harry suddenly remembered the last time Severus had been called and what he was more than likely to do now. Calculating how long it would take Severus to reach Dumbledore's office from the dungeons, Harry prayed that Severus still had the good sense to tell Dumbledore he was reporting to Voldemort before he left the safety of the castle grounds.

A hand on his shoulder cut through the wildness of his thoughts and Harry broke away instinctively, his body just as panicked as his mind, taking off in a sprint to Dumbledore's office.

"Harry?" he could hear Remus cry as the sound of boots stomped after him. "Harry!"

But Remus seemed to understand something had happened because he made no move to slow him down or stop him, only followed in his haste to get to Severus.

Please God, please, please, please, he repeated, Severus' fear and resignation pushing him forward, the bond screaming for him to get there in time.

*****

With torn muscles aching in protest, Remus followed despite the fact that he no idea what had happened to prompt Harry's panicked run from Gryffindor Tower. But having witnessed no external stimulus, he quickly made the conclusion that Harry must have felt something through the bond and that something terrible was happening to Severus.

He felt his own heart fall to his feet as he took in Harry's terrified expression, frantic and furious where only seconds ago it had been placid and relaxed.

When they reached the bottom of Gryffindor Tower and sped past the turn towards the stairs leading to the dungeons, it became all too clear to him exactly what had transpired. A chill ran down his back even through the heat of his sudden exertion and Remus struggled to quicken his pace. Rounding the corner on the seventh floor corridor, he barely arrived in time to hear Harry shout the password to Dumbledore's office then follow him up in a sprint when the gargoyle jumped aside.

The sound of their desperate panting was soon drowned by voices shouting in anger and, though there were only two men in the room, they opened the door into chaos.

"–no say in the matter, Albus!"

"You have been acting the fool for a month now, Severus, and I will not allow– Harry!" Dumbledore exclaimed as he turned towards the door, his relief at seeing Harry obvious by his tone of voice. "Thank Merlin. Perhaps you can help Severus see reason."

"I need to see nothing. I have been called and I fail to see why it is anyone's business but my own," Severus shouted, his face pale and his eyes revealing far more fear than his voice would allow. "Go back to your dormitory, Potter, and get some sleep."

Remus had been a wallflower in his youth, easily passed over–especially with the loud and audacious friends with whom he had surrounded himself–but it had been a long time since he had been ignored so completely. No one seemed to register he was even in the room and, understanding that his own words wouldn't carry the weight Harry's did, he quickly fell back into the shadows. He couldn't help but notice how Harry was nearly vibrating in terror and panic, his eyes boring into Severus', while Severus seemed to be deliberately avoiding looking at him. Remus scoffed when he saw how Severus' eyes fixed on some point beyond Dumbledore's desk and thought he could nearly feel his desire to look at Harry.

Knowing this was not going to end well, he fought the desire to pull Harry away, tell him he could sleep in his armchair if he'd like, anything so this conversation did not have to take place. Seeing the look on Harry's face, his mouth half-open as he struggled to find the words, Remus knew there would be no stopping it.

"Don't go," Harry desperately pleaded, his voice hard and coming out in pants after his panicked run from Gryffindor Tower. "Please. He'll kill you."

Hating how Severus still refused to look at Harry, he watched as his face grew impossibly paler, the lines around his mouth growing deeper as he summoned what Remus knew was a false scowl.

"If he wanted to kill me, he would have done so by now, Potter," he said, and Remus had to almost physically restrain himself from lunging forward to argue with him.

Harry moved to stand in front of Severus, no longer willing to accept being ignored, causing Severus' dark hair to move in a sudden swish as turned his head to avoid looking directly at him.

Exasperated, Harry shouted, "He tried to, damn it! He did try to kill you! Don't you remember what happened last time? Do you remember what he let Malfoy do?"

Severus sneered and clenched his fists, but did not look at Harry. "He will not do it again. There were special circumstances–"

"And now?" Harry ground out through clenched teeth. "How do you know there are no 'special circumstances' now? How do you know he won't just kill you as soon as you walk in or give you over as plaything to whichever Malfoy–"

Taking a step forward, Severus loomed over Harry, his black eyes blazing in a way Remus hadn't seen in years. "It will not happen again, Potter! The Dark Lord has no call to be angry with me. According to Draco, I have been pursuing his plans all summer and he undoubtedly wants my report on the time I've spent with you. I have been expecting this for weeks now."

Though Remus acknowledged that Severus' words made sense, he had no doubt they were lies. Severus had barely spared a thought for anything but protecting Harry for weeks now. If he had considered what would happen if he was called, it had been in passing as he tried to ignore the pain of his separation from Harry. Remus had seen it himself, every time he passed Severus in the halls, every meal they took together in the Great Hall.

"Severus, nothing can be gained by your reporting," Dumbledore said, suddenly breaking into the conversation. "It was obvious in June, and it is beyond obvious now, that Voldemort no longer trusts you."

Remus opened his mouth to agree wholeheartedly with Dumbledore, but before he could voice his opinion Severus shouted, "You know no such thing!"

Dumbledore must have taken notice of Remus' attempt to speak because he put up a hand to stall him. His posture straight and his voice booming, he said in a firm tone, "We still don't know why Voldemort attacked the Hogwarts Express, Severus, nor do we have any idea what his plans are regarding these pointless raids. Your place is no longer in his ranks. It hasn't been for some time."

Remus felt a rush of sadness at the hopeful look that flooded Harry's face at Dumbledore's words, no doubt trusting that the leader of the Order's opinion could sway Severus. But as his expression grew increasingly stormy, Harry's face fell again.

"This discussion is pointless and will only cause me to be late," Severus snapped as he turned to leave the office.

Harry reacted instantly, running to keep up with him and standing in his way. "Don't go. Please. Please, Severus," he said quietly, and Remus' chest squeezed painfully at the misery twisting the quiet tone.

And just like that, with Harry's voice softer than he had ever heard it, laced with a desperation Remus himself had never felt, Severus stopped and looked down on Harry. It was a look borne of a love Remus had never felt and, though he did not envy their situation, for a moment he wished he had loved someone half as much as Severus loved Harry.

His entire face transformed, Severus looked at him and said, "Harry, I have to go."

Harry shook his head, his eyes wild and desperate. "No, you don't. You're not supposed to be there anymore. You're supposed to be with me."

Remus watched as Severus closed his eyes and seemed to steel himself against Harry's plea as though he needed to gather all his strength to deny him. Remus couldn't blame him; in that moment he couldn't imagine Severus denying Harry anything. Not with that look in his eyes, his entire body screaming his fear.

"It is for you that I go. I have to protect you. I am meant to protect you," Severus pleaded, begging Harry to understand.

Harry shook his head at Severus, exasperated. "You idiot! I'm supposed to protect you, too! How am I supposed to do that if you go?"

"Stupid boy," Severus muttered, though Remus noted how even his insults to Harry were laced with affection, "I do not need protection–"

"Yes, you do! If you didn't, then the bond wouldn't work both ways. Do you have any idea what I've gone through, feeling you need me for weeks and not being able to do a thing about it? Do you have any clue?"

Yes, Remus thought sadly. Though he knew the answer, he couldn't blame Harry for asking such a rhetorical question. How could Severus even function knowing what he was doing to Harry?

"Yes," Severus hissed through clenched teeth, his face twisting in guilt and anguish. "You know I–" Severus looked over towards him and the headmaster and suddenly seemed to realize they were being watched. Remus heard him utter a quick silencing charm and then their conversation fell silent.

It was very odd to Remus to watch a conversation being played out; not being able to hear a word of it, yet knowing exactly what was being said regardless.

He watched as Harry's face grew redder and, though he didn't know what he was saying, saw his mouth form the same words repeatedly. Remus thought he recognized 'please' and 'don't go,' hating that Harry had to beg to any man, and he watched as Severus rubbed his temples, his patience seemingly fading.

After a few minutes of this, Harry clenched his fists and Remus saw them go white, his entire body radiating his anger and frustration. His face turned an alarming shade of red as he opened his mouth wide and shouted something and, though he could not hear it, he had no need to. Harry's desperation was visible for all to see on every inch of his face, in the wringing of his hands, and the frantic movements of his body that pleaded for something, anything to stop this.

Pale hands ripped at black hair and Harry tore off his glasses before turning to face away from Severus and then back again. His hands, which Remus had never noticed were so animated, clenched and his body shook with the force of his inaudible screaming.

The slow build-up becoming too much for him, Remus found he couldn't watch the awful scene unfold any longer and took a step towards them, fully intent on taking Harry back to his rooms and doing whatever was necessary to stop Severus from leaving Hogwarts.

Dumbledore, whose eyes were still trained on Harry and Severus, reached out and grabbed his arm, silently commanding him not to get involved. Turning towards him, he looked down at his arm, where the older, wrinkled hand gripped him strongly, keeping him in place. He knew Harry and Severus' affairs were none of his business, that he had no right to get involved...

But how could he remain silent when something terrible was happening right in front of him? How could he watch as one of his friends destroyed the other?

Taking a step back to where he had stood before, Remus resigned himself to doing nothing even as every instinct in him screamed to stop this.

His eyes once again on Harry and Severus, he took in the drastic change in their demeanors. The more Harry yelled and shouted his plea, the more Severus calmed, his quiet concession to what he felt he had to do all too obvious. As he had known from the beginning of this encounter, Harry's storming would do neither of them any good.

Nothing would stop either of them at this point.

Finally, Remus saw a light leave Harry's eyes as he suddenly stopped his violent shouting, looking at Severus with sadness, and slowly mouthed the word 'please.'

The softness of his expression compared to the harshness in the moment before caused Severus to look up from the floor, and for a moment Remus hoped Severus might acquiesce.

'Please,' Harry repeated and wrung his hands together. Remus thought he saw Harry utter the word 'beg' and suddenly felt a desperation he had never felt for another person. If he could have, he would have removed Harry from Severus' line of sight and begged for him, just so he wouldn't have to watch this.

His mind distracted by his own sadness, his eyes caught a sudden movement and they widened of their own volition.

His body stiff and his hands clenched, he watched as Harry slowly dropped to his knees and put up his hands to beg Severus Snape not to go. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dumbledore look away, no longer able to watch. Remus knew he could be a sentimental fool at times, but his heart had never ached for someone as it did for Harry as he watched his proud young friend fall to his knees and beg.

'Please don't go,' he watched Harry mouth even as Severus looked down in resigned sadness. Remus wanted to curse him, wanted to pull out his wand and hex him to prevent his escape, anything just to get Harry off his knees.

"Damn you, Severus." he muttered, though he knew no one but Dumbledore could hear him.

Severus closed his eyes and made a motion with his wand, and suddenly Remus could hear the end of Harry's plea.

Being aware that he could be heard did nothing to stop Harry from begging, and though he had never been prideful, Remus was surprised to realize that when it came to protecting Severus, Harry had none.

"You selfish bastard," Harry shouted to Severus' back as he turned to go. Standing quickly, Harry made to follow him out of the room, but Severus stopped at the door.

With his head bowed away from the room's occupants, Severus stood in the doorframe and asked, "Do you think this is easy for me, Harry? Do you think I want any of this?"

"Then stay," Harry whispered. "Stay with me, please."

Almost as though he couldn't help himself, Severus turned to look at Harry and then promptly closed his eyes. "It is my duty to protect you. Always."

The door made a creaking noise as Severus took a step back to open it when Harry suddenly grabbed him by the front of his robe, looked him deeply in the eyes and pulled him down for a kiss.

For a moment Remus was unable to look away, watching as Severus' eyes opened wide in bewilderment, then seemed to close of their own accord. He had the good sense to turn his head as he watched Harry's arms come up to encircle Severus' shoulders and then he heard what could only be described as a panicked whimper and then a desperate moan, though he couldn't tell who had made which sound.

He heard the dull thud of a body hitting a wall and the sound of moisture upon moisture, the unmistakeable exhalation of a passionate kiss cutting through the sudden silence of the room, and Remus was unable to ignore it.

It only lasted for a few seconds before it ended, the sound of lips leaving lips a harsh reminder of what had to be.

"I'll make my report as soon as I return," Severus said to Albus, who Remus saw nodding in the corner of his eye.

Unable to look anywhere else, Remus watched Severus steal one last look at Harry, their eyes meeting for another moment before Severus walked out the door, closing it behind him.

Harry's eyes closed with it and he sank upon the floor, his earlier fatigue seeming to come upon him quickly, as though Severus had taken all his strength with him.

Remus wanted nothing more than to rush to his friend's side, to comfort him and help him in any way he could. He would take Harry back to his rooms and let him stay there, never force him to leave again, if that's what he wanted.

But when Harry opened his eyes, revealing an awful, dead look, Remus knew that Severus' leaving had destroyed something in Harry–something that couldn't be put back together with good Scotch or a friendly chat, but only by Severus' return.

And even if he did return...

Pushing those darker thoughts aside, Remus broke away from where he had been a spectator and walked towards Harry, pulling him up easily and putting an arm around him.

"Come on, Harry. Let's go home. I'll let you take the chair if you'd like."

Harry nodded, but Remus knew neither of them would be getting any sleep tonight.