Bonds of Affection

Left alone, Severus Snape paced around the Prince Manor like a caged animal. His duty was clear enough – he had to die in order to set Harry free from the slave-bond. He had the potion already on hand – something fast-acting and painless. Yet, he found himself hesitating, and wondering how long he could wait, before the slave-bond asserted itself and caused Harry's death.

He was not motivated by fear – at least not fear for himself. However, he was reluctant to die without having uncovered the truth behind the unknown ingredient in the potion Harry had drunk. Perhaps it could wait.. wait just one day, he thought, giving him the opportunity to venture into the Knockturn Alley, retrace Ron Weasley's steps, and attempt to uncover the mystery. Whatever it was, had to be serious enough to place protective spells and hexes on the text about it...

He idly considered murdering Lucius Malfoy before taking his own life; leaving his own godson fatherless. Severus smirked unpleasantly. He decided that, before he did anything else, he would let Albus know. Perhaps Albus had a card up his sleeve, or a miracle, ready to be pulled out of the Sorting Hat... but somehow, Severus doubted it.

How he loathed himself in this moment... how he loathed himself, for everything he had ever done. Thinking of Harry made him physically ill. How he had despised him all these years, and how he had agonized over him, as well. And now... .now he had finally destroyed him, at the mere age of sixteen... the exact age that Severus and James were, when their animosity had become legendary throughout Hogwarts.

::x x x ::

In the office of Albus Dumbledore, sixteen year old Severus Snape was fidgeting. He was shifting in his chair uncomfortably, clenching and relaxing his fists, and glancing up now and then at his Headmaster.

“Don't be nervous, my boy,” the Headmaster said mildly.

Severus gave him an incredulous look and stood up with a jolt. “I don't want to do this. I am going to leave.”

Albus Dumbledore nodded serene acceptance. “If you choose, you may. Of course, they will see it as a sign of weakness...”

Severus groaned at the obvious manipulation, but sat back down. “I don't believe you talked me into it.”

With his usual kindness and gentleness, Dumbledore had convinced him to sit down in his office, together with James Potter and Lily Evans, and talk out their differences. He would act as a mediator, the old Headmaster said. He was eager to see their ... tensions... resolved. Severus had almost snorted at the word “tensions”... but complied.

The rivalry between Severus and James Potter had reached its peak. It used to be mostly verbal, with a few hexes now and then, and a few physical shoves here and there.... but recently the animosity had escalated to a whole new level. Severus winced, remembering the degradation of collecting his clothing from trees and shrubs, while James and the other Gryffindors snickered and laughed. They departed eventually, leaving Severus to himself. As he watched them go, their backs turned to him, he had considered hexing them...but then, oddly enough, he decided against it. Covering their faces in sores or making them throw up violently for days, just did not measure up to the humiliation they had put him through. Fury settled into his bones and became an undercurrent to his entire existence.

The Headmaster found out, of course. Severus barely suppressed a mortified groan when Dumbledore made him tell his side of the story. No, Severus said, rolling his eyes, he was not sexually assaulted. No, he wasn't physically harmed. Just stripped naked and utterly and completely degraded in front of three Gryffindors who hated him ... Just made a laughingstock of the House of Slytherin, as well. He did not say that part out loud – he did not need to.

“Yes, I talked you into it,” Dumbledore confirmed quietly. “What else could I do? Sit silently and watch my favorite student destroy himself from within?”

“I am not your favorite student,” Severus said with surprising ire. “James Potter is. If he hadn't been, you would have expelled him by now. But you didn't. Why not?”

“Because,” Dumbledore said firmly. “There is a great deal of goodness in him... He is courageous, loyal to his friends, he knows how to take risks.... and he knows how to love. I suspect if you can put your rivalry behind you... and become friends, you can be each other's salvation.”

Severus looked at him grimly. “A prophecy, Headmaster?”

Dubmledore shook his head. “I have no gift of divination, my boy. But I have been observing young people long enough to see dangers of damnation and opportunities for deliverance.”

Severus smiled a little. “Maybe it's James Potter who is damned.”

“You both are,” Dubmledore said gravely. “If you don't put this animosity behind you. I can see the signs ... you have been invited to spend a part of your holidays with the Malfoys, haven't you?”

Severus nodded reluctantly.

“You shouldn't accept the offer, in my opinion,” Dumbledore said quietly. “If you never listen to any of my advice, listen to this one. You are not strong enough to handle a friendship with him.”

Severus shrugged indifferently. Lucius Malfoy, who was a few years older, had taken him under his wing. It had been a welcome association, if not particularly deep. Lucius was not as skilled with Dark Arts, or as clever as Severus – but even so, for some reason, he scared him at times. Still, it was one of the few connections that Severus had made, and he wasn't about to let it go. He was about to open his mouth and say something along those lines, but the knock on the Headmaster's door interrupted him.

Following Dumbledore's invitation, Lily Evans and James Potter walked in.

“Young people,” Dumbledore said quietly. “I have spoken to each of you in private. You have all agreed that it's time to settle this. Are you familiar with the expression, Peace begins at home?”

The boys stared at him sullenly. Lily Evans nodded slightly.

“Hogwarts is your home,” Dubmledore said gently. “What is born here, will go forth into the world, once you leave the walls of the school. It's time to make peace.”

Severus stood up and glanced at Lily uncertainly.

“I am sorry,” he said without prompting. “I am sorry for calling you names... You did not deserve it. That was cruel and ... unfair.”

She nodded readily. “No big deal, Severus... and thank you. I accept,” she said quickly, and extended her hand to him. Severus breathed a sigh of relief. They shook hands firmly, and he was surprised at how her touch exuded kindness and comfort, subduing the rage within him. Their handshake lingered just for a second longer than it had to. James noticed that, and apparently, misjudged it. He glared at Severus with hostility.

“Too scared to beg for mercy on your own, Snivellus?” James asked contemptuously. “The proud Slytherin needed the Headmaster to protect him? Did you need his help finding your underpants that day, too?”

Dubmledore thundered something at James – Severus could not hear what. He was beyond hearing, beyond absorbing anything else from either of them.

Severus released Lily's hand from his, and gazed at James coldly. The rage returned, in full force – but it no longer was a foreign presence in his body. It became a part of him, a subtle, intangible, imperceptible force that gripped him, claimed him... enslaved him.

Severus shrugged nonchalantly. “Later, Potter,” he said with absolute calm. “I'll see you when school is out.”

He left the office quickly, without looking back. And Dumbledore, who had never ran after anyone, ran after Severus this time, caught up with him, and placed his hand on his shoulder.

Severus spun around and faced him. Before Dumbledore could even open his mouth, Severus cut him off.

“Go fuck yourself, Headmaster,” he said, and strode away briskly, before he had a chance to regret his decision.

::x x x ::

Severus lifted his arm and wiped his face. He should have listened to Dumbledore, he thought tiredly. Maybe he should have just fallen at Potter's feet back then, and begged him to end the feud. The noble Gryffindor would have pitied the sniveling, wretched Slytherin student, of course... and they would have all lived happily ever after.

Instead, he had become responsible for the murder of both James and Lily Potter. And then, throughout the years, he had despised, taunted, and bullied their son.... while trying to look after him as well. How had he despised him... because he was so much like James, in so many infuriating ways. Because he had so little regard for his own life, and Severus endured hours of agony each time after rescuing him. Because he was arrogant, snide, disrespectful, rude, disobedient... and most of all, because it was easier to feel loathing, than guilt.

And now, Severus thought, it was over. He was a monster, an abomination, who had visited the sins of the father on the son, throughout the years... and from the boy's infancy.

When he fell asleep, James Potter's face stood before his eyes, the usual contemptuous smirk on his lips.

“Ready to die yet, Severus?” James asked icily.

Severus looked at him with loathing and dread. And then he spoke, addressing him one final time:

“I forgive you.”

Could the unforgiven forgive? Severus wondered idly.

James looked at him thoughtfully, the smirk disappearing from his lips.

“Yeah,” he said calmly. “Okay.”

The vision disappeared, replaced by dreamless dark.