The Pains of Becoming

Thanks once more Lilly Evins!



Yes I was drunk when I wrote this.





Chapter 27

A Girl’s Illusion.



Later that night Kirsty sat by the fire in the common room trying to revise. She wasn’t really trying though. Just until a moment ago she had been arguing with Luke about how many knuts he wanted for a bottle of fire whiskey, which Luke, after his endless detentions had finally ended, had stolen from the kitchens and now sold to students. She would have never thought it worth the money, but just now she was in a mood that justified the high price. She gazed over her books into the fire. She rubbed her wrist, which used to be covered by her bracelet. It was all not that long ago, but it felt like it had been a different life. She could hear Draco, Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle behind her somewhere chatting and joking. Was there no way, Draco would pass on a massage to his father? Could he not at least tell her about him? She realised she had hardly tried. She remembered how she had once sat in front of the fire, wondering how to get Draco to help her. But what did she have left to offer him now?



Suddenly someone sat down next to her. Kirsty looked up vaguely. It was Jonathan. She hoped, by her looking up she had not given him reason to believe she was going to talk to him. She felt him watching her from the side. Finally he asked:



“How are you doing?”



She ignored him a moment but then decided it was silly to act as though he was not there so she said: “Fine,” without looking at him.



“No honestly,” he said.



She looked at him: “Honestly what?”



“You have quite a name all of a sudden. They say all sorts of crazy things about you. And well, the way you behaved the other day in Care of Magical Creatures… no wonder everyone thinks something is wrong with you. But I don’t care about the rumours. I am just wondering if you are ok.”



She looked at him, waiting for him to finish saying what he had to say, then she replied: “It’s none of your business whether I am ok or not. Other people are looking after me.”



“Really? You could use a friend, don’t you think?”



She considered then she said calmly: “Jonathan, everything I said during Care of Magical Creatures did happen, but what I did not mention was that I consented to it. I am in with the Deatheaters, so maybe you better not be my friend.” She glared coldly at him. He seemed to have to take a moment to understand. Meanwhile Kirsty pulled the bottle out of her bag and forgot about Jonathan.



Kirsty started drinking and continued drinking. She welcomed the numbing feeling in her forehead, how her throat burned and the flames in front of her started to melt into one red and yellow light and the background noise of the common room grew anonymous. She was deep inside her head, retreating and curling up in that dark and comfortable hiding place, in which nothing could reach her.



Finally, without emerging from her intoxicated mind she got up feeling like going for a walk. She got up, bottle in hand and suddenly stumbled. Something had been lying in the way. She could only just catch herself and prevent the bottle from spilling. She looked down, now shaken back into reality. She just saw Draco pull his leg out of the way. She wasn’t sure whether he had put it in her way deliberately or if she had just not seen it, but snarled at him anyway:



“Fucking keep your limbs out of other people’s way.”



“Oh, was our most powerful Deatheater about to fall on her face?” Draco grinned. Pansy laughed.



“You should better be quiet, costing us fifty points for challenging Potter to a duel.”



They glared at each other silently for a moment then she saw his glare dropping to the bottle in her hand and decided it was a good moment to go.



Draco watched her leave but just when she had left he decided to follow her.

He caught up with Kirsty just a few meters away from the common room as she was stopping to have a quick gulp from the bottle.



“Very wise of you, going for a walk in the dungeons with a half empty fire whisky bottle in your hand.”



“I’m not going for a walk in the dungeons, I’m going for a walk in the castle,” she looked at him warningly as to dare him to come with her. Then she moved on but Draco stepped in her way and simply said:



“Can’t let you. Never mind the fifty points I cost us. If someone else than Snape catches you, that will be all of our points gone.”



“Do you really think I still care about the house cup?”



“Well, I do.”



“So what are you gonna do? Wrestle me to the ground?” she scoffed.



Draco gave a bored expression: “Been there, done that.”



Her smile faded and menace was back in her face. She didn’t have any humour when it came to intimacy.



She dropped her eyes to the prefect badge on his robes and said: “Well, if you are thinking of giving me detention, I have to disappoint you. I am already in lifelong detention with Snape,” she smiled, took a gulp from the bottle and pushed him aside to walk pass him.



“The plainly obvious attempt at attention seeking is sickening, “Draco shouted after her.



Kirsty stopped and turned. She walked back towards him slowly, her eyes full of sudden but also drunken curiosity: “You almost sound like Snape.”



She observed his face as though studying a most fascinating and peculiar object. Draco seemed to be the only good thing left in her world somehow. Something left over from a time when everything was still possible. She moved in on him and tired to kiss him. Draco saw it coming and turned his face away. Kirsty hesitated a few seconds and then stepped back from him, quickly taking another gulp from the bottle, as she could not find anything else to distract her and overplay her clearly visible embarrassment and disappointment.



“I have tried to tell you before. The attention my father gave you made you believe you are something you are not. You’re not one of us, you are not special. Don’t you ever think you can play me. You’re just a drunk failure of a witch, someone’s halfblooded whore, that’s all.”



Kirsty listened to Draco’s hateful, quiet voice with her eyes exploring the grey dungeon wall. Draco wasn’t telling her anything she did not know herself, and yet she felt it unnecessary to hear it again.



“Well…” she started, exhaling. She wanted to say something smart, but there was absolutely nothing in her mind. The foggy numbness of her mind had turned into a bitter, painful substance and no words were coming to her. Instead she suddenly stormed forward, pushing Draco out of the way so powerfully that he stumbled into the opposite wall.



As she reached the ground level she slowed down. She wiped her face hastily, because other students passed her now and her face felt hot and swollen as though from crying.

She wasn’t quite aware anymore of the bottle she was clutching in her hand. Students who passed her looked at her and what she was wandering around with and gave her a look of complete obscurity and aversion. Kirsty took in those looks but didn’t connect them to the state of her.



She had not expected so many people to be up here, she realised she had not thought about this at all and she wanted nothing more than to disappear. She looked around for a place to hide. She turned left into a smaller passage way and saw an alcove shortly ahead. She hurried on and turned into it, but stopped instantly as she realised the alcove was already occupied. She had not expected it, so she stumbled slightly and almost fell into the lab of a ginger-haired boy who was sitting there. She pushed herself off him again and stood.



Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and their ginger-haired friend looked up at her in surprise. Kirsty stared back at them, and saw Granger’s eyes drop to the bottle in her hand. Kirsty moved it slowly out of her sight behind her back, not realising that she now exposed it to anyone who was coming down the corridor.



“Sorry, this place’s busy”, said the ginger-haired guy still staring up at her.



“What do you want from me?” said Harry immediately into the end of Ginger’s sentence, his eyes set on her, composed but alert.



Kirsty continued to look at them all, finding their words much to fast and sudden to react.



She tried to concentrate and sort her thoughts and said, as it seemed with a lot of effort: “Nothing.” She started again, “I was just looking for some peace is all.”



“Yeah well, I could do with some peace. Didn’t have so much lately thanks to you.”



“Sorry,” Kirsty didn’t know what to say, she still felt so surprised by her suddenly encounter that she had trouble remembering who exactly she was and what she was up to.



“Harry, she’s drunk,” said Granger observing Kirsty disapprovingly.



“Shut up! I can hear you, I am standing right here, don’t talk about me like I am not here! Not you!” Kristy suddenly burst out.



“You’re a Deatheather’s pet. We talk about you however we like,” said the Ginger boy next to her.



“I’ll get a teacher,” Hermione said and got up hurriedly. She tried to squeeze past Kirsty quickly before she would be able to react but Kirsty was not as drunk as Hermione had thought her to be and she blocked her way.



“What then?” asked Hermione raising a brow. But Kirsty looked past her to Harry.



“You’re one lucky bastard. You’ve got everything! It’s about time for someone else to have some.”



She wasn’t quite sure what she meant herself, but it felt right to say it. It felt true. She saw Hermione’s eyes very close to her own, boring into hers, searching for something. Kirsty returned the glare: “What are you looking for, Granger?”



“What ever made you so jealous of a boy who has no parents and constantly has to fight for his life. What made you so jealous that it made you turn towards the Deatheathers.”



A slow smile formed on Kirsty’s face and her grin widened into a miserable giggle: “Not everything in the world is about Harry Potter.”



But her sudden amusement distracted her enough for Hermione to get past her. Kirsty turned and grabbed for her wand, which was not there. She had forgotten that Snape kept her wand and that she was only allowed to have it during lessons.



She could hear ginger-boy laugh behind her. She turned back to them.



Ginger-boy was still sniggering, but Harry Potter was just looking calmly at her. She stepped towards him and sat down where Hermione had sat.



Ginger stopped giggling and stared at her. She and Harry stared at each other. But nobody said anything for a while then she whispered:



”So that is what it’s like.”



“What?” asked Harry.



“To have friends.”



Harry frowned.



Kirsty was suddenly dreaming away. In her mind she was imagining to be Harry’s friend, Hermione. Not that she wanted to be Harry’s friend, but she was wondering what it was like to have such close, good friends and together be such good people, who were not captivated by the things that fascinated and possessed her. They didn’t have her problems, they simply felt right in the world, and they were together in it. She kept staring into Harry Potter’s eyes and leaned her head against the wall. Slowly she placed the bottle on the windowsill.



“No, you are lucky, Harry Potter,” she said absently with a dreamy smile.



“She’s a nutter, isn’t she?” said the boy beside her but Harry did not answer. He only looked at her.



A moment later footsteps could be heard. Hermione was coming back, Professor McGonagle close behind her. Kirsty didn’t move, she could hear the hurried footsteps coming closer, but right now she was in an illusion of being someone else, and it was suddenly so peaceful. She had forgotten who she was and what was paining her. She knew it would end and she was not going to give up her peace a second before she had to.



“There she is, Professor!” she heard Hermione pant.



“Oh dear,” exclaimed Professor McGonagle. Kirsty could feel, hear and see Harry and his friend get up and step away from her. Her illusion would end soon. McGonagle grabbed the bottle from the windowsill and addressed Kirsty loud and sternly: “Miss Flame!”



Kirsty tired to ignore her, but it was no good, the teacher’s voice simply pierced through her peace. She blinked and looked up: “Professor.”



“Miss Flame, have you been drinking this?” McGonagle asked holding up the almost empty bottle. The trio was separated onto both sides beside her, all looking at Kirsty, who was suddenly finding herself sitting alone in the alcove.



“Stating the obvious, are you?” Kirsty replied, her eyes wondering aimlessly about.



McGonagle opened her mouth to scold her, but then seemed to decide it was no use addressing the conscious of a person this drunk. She pressed the bottle into Hermione’s hands and stepped into the alcove to help Kirsty up. Kirsty did not object. But inside she was wondering how this evening could have gone so quickly so wrong.



“I’m taking her to Professor Snape,” McGonagle said as she tried to make Kirsty stand straight without having to be supported.



“No! Take her to Dumbledore,” said Harry, “Professor Snape is nothing but protecting her, no matter what she does!”



McGonagle gave Harry a stern look: “You’re out of line Potter. She is a Slytherin and therefore Professor Snape’s responsibility. And whether you like it or not, she is also not a normal student. Professor Dumbledore put her into Professor Snape’s care particularly.”



“But…”



“This is none of your concern,” she cut him off, but then added a bit more quiet, “be assured, Professor Snape will deal with her.”



Kirsty burst into a giggle: “Merlin, I hope he does! No one ever wants to deal with me anymore.”



“Come along now and be quiet.” McGonagle pulled Kirsty along who turned back to look at her three new friends.



All the way back down to the dungeons Kirsty repeatedly burst into mad giggles and pressed her hand over her mouth to silence herself. Professor McGonagle didn’t speak and finally stopped in front of a door. Kirsty had never stopped before this door, but she knew it belonged to Professor Snape’s private rooms. McGonagle tightened her grip around Kirsty’s wrist and knocked with the hand that was also holding the bottle. It took a while then the door opened and Snape looked miserably at her.



“I found something,” Professor McGonagle only said and Snape’s eyes shifted over to Kirsty and narrowed. Kirsty wasn’t giggling anymore. She just stood there looking around, but not at Snape. McGonagle held out the bottle to Snape.



“She was wandering the corridors with this, bothering some of my 5th years. I trust you will find out how she got her hands on this?”



“I have a notion,” Snape said darkly. He fixed his eyes on his student again. McGonagle followed his glare and looked at Kirsty for a moment, but now she had mostly pity in her eyes.



“Are you sure you know how to deal with this, Severus?”



Snape grabbed Kirsty’s wrist and pulled her towards him as he looked defensively at McGonagle.



“Rest assured,” he said and pulled Kirsty inside, closing the door in McGonagle’s face.



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Another cliffy!

Sorry there has not been much action in a while, please stick with me, it seems to take a while with Snape… but I foresee action in the next chapter!!