The Sins Of A Father

Chapter Twenty-Four: I Still Wanted







We had arrived home rather late, before dropping off Tom to his home not far from my own. I sighed in relief, glad to be rid of his presence. However I frowned slightly when I had noticed Harry’s face had a crest fallen look. I wondered if I should peruse him at all, wondering that perhaps he had finally gotten over me and I had no chance, no right to be with him.



But remembering how them two was together, feeling the jealous white rage I could not stand it at all. I needed to be with him. I needed to be with my beautiful little boy, my beautiful little son, my little mischief Raven, my Harry. After all…



I am in love with him.



Once we was inside; Jimmy going upstairs along with Harry, I soon realised that Lily was not at home at all. Though after a few moments she had arrived.



“Severus?” I heard her call out.



I came to greet her when I just prepared us a glass of red wine each. Before giving me a chaste kiss she took the glass gratefully. I almost cringed knowing I’m making matters worse, and yet to her I was the ever-faithful Husband. I’m sorry my love… I thought in regret.



“How was your day petal” I followed her to the kitchen. I have no right to call her pet name, but I did love her still. I love her very much, am in love with her still. But knowing that I wanted Harry too…



I have no right at all.



She sighed heavily. “I just can’t believe how much stabbed victims had risen in the last year. Its ridicules what kids these days are doing, carrying knifes like it was chewing gum! Honestly!” She sat down on the stool, taking another gulp at the wine.



I came over behind her, placing my cup on the table and I soon began to massage the aches and pains in her delicate shoulders. “Don’t worry yourself pet, just know that our children are safe right here in our home” She groaned happily, finishing her drink and reached for my glass. I could not help but smile.



Once she took another sip she sighed again. “I know…But seeing those distress parents…crying into each other’s arms…praying, pleading to anyone to save their son or daughter…I can’t help to think that it might happen to us…”



I kissed her behind her ear softly. Gently saying but also firmly. “Lily, you know our boys are never involved in those sort of things” Remembering Tom, I was glad that he will soon be out of the picture, even though he was a wannabe thug I would not take my chances on him. “Besides, our sons know better than carrying knifes. We can not really stop them or other people, but we can place our trust in our children”



“Hmmm…” Lily replied. And wanting to change the subject she turned onto her seat and wrapped her arms around my waist laying her head on my chest. “How was your day with Jimmy? Is Harry home yet love?”



I stroked her read hair lovingly. I was glad she knew nothing about my problems of late. I wanted her to be happy, knowing she was blissfully unaware of everything. After all, I was mostly doing the things just for my Petal.



Mostly. “It was a great day, Jimmy was like a little ball of energy. Jumping one place to another! Though he did love seeing the snakes rather more. He asked me if he could have one as a pet-”



Lily groaned. “God no…Maybe when he turns fifty or something…”



I chuckled. “The snakes are not that bad Lily. They stay in a box, get fed twice a week, and be handled every so often so it could be tamed”



“What if it slithers into the bedroom and on me in the middle of the night?” She mumbled into my chest.



“Then I’d be rather jealous of it…”



She mockingly punched my chest in reply. “Severus!” I laughed. “Why can’t Jimmy be like a normal child and ask for a puppy…” She mumbled back into my chest.



“God no! I will not pick up its morning surprise everyday-”



“But they’re cute. Just like you!” I could feel her smirk.



“Then you can sleep with it. I will not be replaced by a ball of hair with a wet nose” I sniffed, mockingly looking affronted.



“Hmmm…that is a rather hard choice…Though, actually, its not a very big difference…”



“Lily!” Now she laughed, a melody voice filling my ears pleasantly. It was nice to hear her laugh after when she worked so hard.



She reached up to kiss my lips tenderly. “Where’s Harry?” She went to take another sip of the wine.



“He went upstairs, he and his…friend came along with me and Jimmy. I had wanted to spend sometime with him also-”



“Was Jimmy fine with it?”



“Of course, though halfway through we split up so I could spend some more time with him” Or rather that Harry had suggested it to spend more time with his…boyfriend.



“Well that’s alright. As long as he had enjoyed himself” After finishing her, or rather my, glass she went over to the fridge. “So what would you like to eat?”



Perfect I thought. “Actually I was wondering if you would like some takeaway instead? Since you came from a hard days work…“ I came over to her to wrap my arms lovingly around her. “Maybe you would like to have a nice long bath while I’ll got out and get some…? Chinese? Indian?”



She kissed me again. “You sure? You’re not tired from all that walking and driving?”



I snorted. “Of course not, I may be getting on my years but I have more stamina then that woman”



She kissed me again. “Oh I have no doubt about your stamina at all Severus…”



“Oh shush” I slapped her bottom and stirred her to the exit of the kitchen. “Now go and relax while I get the food…”



She sighed pleasantly, walking up the stairs towards our bedroom. “All right, oh and I want Chinese Sev.”



I smirked. “Yes Mistress, woof”



She once again laughed pleasantly. “Damn right! Now go fetch, my little Sevvie” The sound only stopped once she entered the room and closing the door behind her.



I stood for a moment in silence in the empty tranquil corridor, wondering if I was doing the right thing. Well, of course not by anyone’s standard, but alas…it still did not stop me.



I started to walk in the direction of towards Harry’s room, taking a few deep breaths, trying to ease my mind of my thoughts. I had fought to long with my consciences, too long on the thoughts of how wrong this was, but truly, was it wrong to love? Yes I had committed myself to my Petal on the day of our wedding vows, I had sworn to protect, to love and to cherish her…and I loved her very deeply.



I loved her as much as I was in love with my son. I could continue to beat myself up on denying this…but I could take it so long until the next time I see my Raven with someone else. Until I could no longer handle my rage and not only will I hurt Harry so deeply. I would also hurt my Lily.



Yes I thought, yes it was best to keep this hidden. Keep everything a little secret. No one would get hurt by knowing the sins I was holding against my heart. A heart that I was only doing these sins to keep my loved ones save. Keep the image of a perfect Father, a perfect Husband, a perfect lover…



Yes, it was truly best.



I was doing this to make them happy. Only for them. They deserved happiness in their lives. I loved them that much to make them happy, to see the smiles on their face even while I was secretly condemning myself to pain and torture with dripping guilt upon my head.



I could leave it be. Leave it at that point, to walk away slowly and quietly and go on about my life with my Lily and my family.



But no, I could not. I had already drunk the glorious drink of blood red sin. I had already stepped up to the tree to taste the forbidden fruit…



And I was already walking into my son’s room.



Watching Harry turning his head towards me slowly, sitting in front of his computer. The computer that was one of the trail of stepping stones to my glass and fruit. His soft green gaze covering me, his smile piercing through the mist of it; warming me.



“Papa” He said so innocently, so genuinely, so carefree.



So mine.



I could not do much there, not while my spouse was just in a room a few doors down. No, it would be too risky and it would just make me feel even worse. Even though I was not much better than before but yet it would let her enjoy something that was her moment. I at least respect her that much, though she deserved so much more.



“Harry…” I whispered, I did not know if I was addressing him or it was my subconscious. I quickly shook out of what ever I was in and began to talk a little louder, gently with my tone. “We’re having takeout tonight”



“What is it?” He licked his lips in thought, so carefree.



“Its Chinese Harry. Would you?…Like to come with me? You’re Mother is having a bath while I’m sure Jimmy is most probably taking a nap”



He bit his ruby red bottom lip, blinking slowly in thought. Me standing there quietly, feeling the unnerve of the situation at hand rising up my throat. At each passing second, all I could think of that perhaps that he finally was over me, after all it was I who was pushing him, to make him see other people. Perhaps that I should have left as quietly as I had came in and stopped picking old wounds from his heart. The heart that he was so generously handing it to me, most of the years not even me knowing it at all. And all I had done in return was give him one night of passion and stomping his love the next day into the dirt.



I did not even deserve him.



He smiled. “Alright, I’ll come Papa! I’ll get to order what I want” He clicked a few buttons to turn off the machine, and at that second I could feel the nerves lowering down by hope.



In a half hour drive, we had arrived at a nearby takeout shop already ordering what we had wanted. I had noticed that Harry went outside to wait in the nights cool air, so once I paid for the order I went out, quietly approaching Harry, knowing the order will take sometime.



As I approached I had noticed that the street we was on was rather quiet at that time, besides the few cars and busses going by and the groups of people ready to go out to the nightclubs. I went to face my son from behind, who was looking at the night sky.



You could stop this right now my conscience added when I kept staring at the boy in front of me. Yes I could very well, but I had fought too much with myself over this issue. I had denied my feelings too much, I had felt that every ounce of energy had been drained from me with my internal battle on what’s wrong and what’s right.



I could not stand the thought of my little Raven with someone else, loving them and staying in their arms. I truly knew then, if not before, that I was truly in love with him. Perhaps it was that moment that I had finally admitted to myself. That I knew I wanted him in my arms only, to kiss him softly, to look deep into his eyes lovingly…



“Harry”



He turned around to smile at me. “The foods ready Papa?”



“Hello? Hello sir?” I heard from behind me inside the shop.



I smiled. “It is now”



Once I had collected the food, we safely stored it in the backseat we sat down in the car. I knew it was then that I should tell him on how I felt. No turning back. I gathered up my nerves, feeling the confusing gaze of my son on me when he noticed I had not started up the car yet.



“Papa?” He asked questioningly.



I gulped. Yes, it was now, or never is with him and suffers in silence for the pain and longing to be with him. “I need to talk to you Raven.” I said as softly as I could without stuttering from the nervousness. I looked at him, licking my dry lips.



He looked even more confused with a slight hint of worry settling in his eyes. “About what Papa?”



“About. ” You. “Tom, Harry.” Well, I truly did not know how to start this convocation, who could when something like this happens but then again, it did had something to do with Tom. I wanted it to stop.



“Tom? What? Why?” Harry’s voice became a little firmer with each word passing through his lips.



I gripped the stirring wheel for support. “Son, he’s not right for you, you deserve someone better than that” Though now I think about it, was I much better?



Harry huffed in anger, but yet he was not quite shouting, yet. “No offence Papa, its none of you’re business at all”



Now I had a slight flicker of anger inside me from the outburst, but of course I was being rather blunt. I licked my lips again and sighed. “Harry, it is, I don’t want to see you getting hurt. I don’t want you to waste your time on someone like that”



His eyes flashed. “Well someone like that loves me! And I love him!”



I pursed my lips. “That boy does not know what love is. He is just using you for his own pleasure! For god’s sake look at him! He’s practically living in his own little la la land!”



My son took of his seat belt and turned to face me, his eyes flashing in fury. “Well unlike someone, he at least has some space in his world for me! At least he has time and care for me when I need it! So fuck off I don’t need you! Because I know Tom won’t hurt me the way yo-” He abruptly stopped. His lips quivering in mixed anger and sorrow. Giving me one final look he opened the door, slamming it with force and ran down the empty quiet street.



I sat there in shock, but my instincts took over the next half second to follow my Raven. Locking the car before running after him into the night, street lamps highlighting the grey grime filled pavement, his body only a slight blur in the distance. The shouts of “Harry!” to encourage him to stop, while my mind was just as racing faster with the legs thinking of how stupid on the way I had approached this. How I could of easily avoided this, and approached it so much better.



I prayed to anything that he was safe and did not injury himself when I lost sight of him; from all the football practice he was quiet fast, while my bulky form was making me slower than him. I stood at the place where I last saw him, again shouting his name in the silence. Only hearing the reply of dogs barking into the night sky.



“Harry, please!” Last shout before I took out my mobile, ringing his only to hear on the other line that his was switched off. My panic was rising to every bone in my body, feeling the weakness in my knees. I started to walk, turning to every direction I could see. “Please…please, I’m sorry son” I kept on walking, bringing up all my fibre of energy to shout his name again. Before I was to shout out his name once again, I heard the soft whimpers, the whimpers I knew could only belong to my little boy.



I walked faster, following the soft sound of him. Feeling the fear rise to a new level within my heart. Step by step I came closer, the sounds more pronounced into the silence of the night. “Harry?” Going past my lips once more before I came to notice an alleyway, which the sounds were coming from. My heart froze, but heated over from the desire to protect my son. I ran across the empty street and onto the path with the soft grief filled whimpers.



With every step I took the cries became quite, and soon I had notice the small figure with a black mop of hair of my boy in the corner of a dead end. I ran to him without thought. “Harry!” I kneeled beside him, wrapping my arms around his form. “Harry? Are you alright?” He curled into himself even more, which all of my fear had been replaced with aching guilt. “Harry? Please? Speak to me?”



“Go away” He mumbled, thick with sorrow, shaking roughly from side to side out of my embrace.



I cringed, scrunching up my face with the grief on what I had done to my son. “Harry…” My voice was shaking with the aching pain. “Please…I’m so sorry” I again began to wrap my arms around him until he smacked them away fiercely, finally looking me dead in the face.



“You have no right” He swallowed, most probable feeling the lump in his throat. “ You have no bloody right to do this…don’t even touch me”



My arms feel down my sides, dead as weights as I swallowed down the anguish of my heart upon hearing those words. “You’re absolutely right Harry…but you are still my son that I-”



“Why are you doing this? Do you get some sick fucking pleasure out of this?” He interrupted me, while moving away from me further into the darkened corner.



I still kneeled at the spot, not wanting him to run off again. I looked down to the stone pavement, not even daring to look at his piercing glare full of hate towards me. “I care for you…I don’t want to see you end up getting hurt-”



He laughed mercilessly, so unlike the boy I had known most of his life, so hateful, so…Hurting. “To late for that Papa!” He harshly whispered, the word that was suppose be spoken with love was mocking in my ears. “You already fucking hurt me. You’re just making it worse now like some dog that won’t let go its bone to chew on. You’ve got no right to say at all about my life-”



“Harry!” I my temper flared, because the words he said was true. I was some dog who will not let it go, but I could not let go because it hurt me to do so! I crawled closer, grabbing his face between my shaking hands, now it was I who was harshly whispering. “You’re my son! I care for you more than I should! I-“



“Then don’t! Don’t care for me at all! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone!” His hot tears was freely running down his cheeks and onto my palms and thumbs. “I don’t need anyone to care for me, no one! They’ll all hurt me someday! They always do! So don’t fucking pretend you care for me, you was the one who hurt me the most-”



I kissed him. Not wanting to hear those words anymore, not wanting to see the sorrow in his eyes, the pain in his tears. I just want him to feel and forget everything. I just wanted him to be happy. I just want my son in my arms and be protected from everything from this world. I just wanted him to love me again because… “I love you”



He looked into my eyes, noticing that his tears had ultimately stopped from the sheer shock. “Don’t do this to me again Papa…” He whispered, his eyes lost its shock and began to look questioningly at me. “Please” He whispered brokenly, his silky lips trembling. “Don’t say something you don’t mean…I can’t handle that again…” His face lowered, his green gaze disappearing behind his eyelids.



I reached up to his scar and placed a loving kiss on top of it. Hearing those broken words from my son made me want to love him even more. Feeling that perhaps loving him was not as wrong as I had used to think before this. That this boy, my little boy, only wanted to be cared for and loved, and for some bizarre strange reason-even it is immoral to most- he chose me. And from that day I will not deny him the love he oh so deserved, he suffered from the hurt I had placed on him one time, and that was one too many times for my liking. “My son, my little Raven…” I moved his head upwards lovingly, to see his eyes fluttering open with his wet soaked eyelashes clumped together.



“I love you…more than I should son. I know we should not be doing this but…all I can do is think about you in ways that I should be condemned to hell for this. I probably will for that matter but I’m willing to take that risk son” I slowly kissed his eyes, tasting the salty cold tears. “I tried, oh god how I have tried to make you forget about me. Trying to make you see other people, but every time you do I could not bare to think about it. To think that you was in someone else’s arms, touching you, kissing you…” I placed a feathery kiss upon his lips. “Remembering how I had made love to you, that thought plagued my mind the most. Feeling how good it felt, how right it felt when you moaned underneath me. Holding me lovingly, while I was gently making love to you as you desired-as I desired- all through the night” I traced my thumbs across his lips. “But to actually see you with someone else, today for the first time, I wanted to rip him apart for just looking at you. I can not stand this anymore Harry…I’m falling in love with you son”



For a moment he stared, once again shocked but soon he lifted up his hands almost timidly upon my own. Turning it over to bring my palms against his petal rose lips to place butterfly kisses. “I’ve already fallen for you Papa…” He whispered between the caresses. “I’m already there, on the ground, loving you from afar”



We did not speak for a moment, it simply just felt right to be silent for a while. Just letting Harry caresses and nuzzle my palms with his features. Me pressing gentle kisses upon his silky hair. Some how at that precise moment I had felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders ever so lightly, though I still kept in my mind how wrong it was, but from then on it did not feel as wrong as I had thought. I had the person I love in my arms safe and sound as I wanted it to be. I still kept my beloved petal in mind. That was the reason the weight was not completely off; ever. No it will never be. The guilt is still weighing down on my shoulders, but with Harry, it seemed to be worth it.



“What about mum?” Harry asked in a very timid voice, most probably thinking that I will come to my senses and leave him and this immoral notion.



I bent my head down so I could take his lips into a chaste, but loving tender, kiss. “No one can know about this son, no one” Another time stopping kiss. “We have to keep this as a secret, if anyone find out about…our love, then we will not be able to be together anymore Harry. I love you and I want to be with you, and I will be with you from now on. But you must know Raven, that we have to hide this or we will never could even see each other let alone be together.” Perhaps that was only the half-truth. We could still be together once he turns sixteen, but I was sure that us being together would be more difficult for us when people know than us hiding our secret.



And perhaps, just perhaps…



I still wanted to be with Lily also.