The Pains of Becoming

thx Lilly Evins for betaing again!!

Sorry this is lingering a bit, but it is not a complete waste of time, I promise, all this is leading somewhere!



Chapter 26

A Waste of Time



Slowly Kirsty walked back to her dormitory. Whenever she took a less careful step she felt it in her backside. The pain at the slightest movement was alarming. She walked into the common room. There were still many students around studying or talking. Only the 7th years looked up and noticed her odd walking and the evidence of hard crying in her face. They probably remembered the scene she had caused in Care of Magical Creatures and wondered what had happened to her since. But nobody said anything. She entered her dormitory. She wanted to get out of everyone’s sight as soon as possible. She crawled onto her bed and closed the curtains around her. But the moment she sat down she had to squirm at the pain of slight pressure on her bottom. She grabbed a small mirror through the curtain from her nightstand and lay on her side. She pulled her skirt up again, held the mirror behind her and turned back to look. Her eyes widened and she pulled her panties aside. Her entire bottom was swollen and deep red with wide and thin nasty welts, but where her panties had not protected her the thin welts had actually cut her skin and it was raw, red flesh, sometimes slightly bleeding. She pulled her panties down and used them to dry the wounds. She winced at the pain of pressure and gave up her attempt. She undressed in her bed and put on her pyjamas top. She threw her school uniform and pyjamas bottoms out of her bed and lay down on her side. She grabbed her pillow and hugged it tightly. As she tried to relax, new tears spilled forth. She hugged the pillow more tightly and squeezed it. She felt more alone than ever. She missed Lucius more than ever. What was Dumbledore thinking? Why did Snape go against his own will so much by obeying Dumbledore? What had Lupin said to her? She was safe that was all that mattered? He knew nothing, and he obviously didn’t care. Also he had only done what Dumbledore had asked him to do. He had seen her in her most desperate state, in her home, trying to kill her own father, and he had only done his job of taking her back to Dumbledore and then simply walked away.



Nobody cared about her. But Lucius did, the only one who cared was the one everyone thought they had to keep her away from. Lucius might want to kill her right now, but that still meant that he cared somehow. And no one gave her a chance to go and convince him that she was no threat to him or the Deatheaters, that she had probably made a mistake by going after her father, but that ultimately she had done it for him and that she would take any punishment from him, in order to be worthy again to be his and to serve him.



Lucius had hurt her in so many ways before, but his comfort had always been just as sweet as his punishments had been painful. Snape had only beaten her and send her away. How could nobody see that she was better off with Lucius?



The next morning she only sat still with great difficulty. But especially in Potions, she forced herself to sit still, though unable to concentrate on anything that Snape was explaining at the front of the class. First she had tried to catch his eye rather shyly but then realised that he was in fact avoiding her eyes. Was he embarrassed somehow? Could it be that he was uncomfortable about what had happened? It seemed impossible that Snape would regret anything, he never had seemed to be the type. Maybe he just hated to look at her, maybe he was that sick of her, she thought and gave up staring at him.



When she entered the Potions classroom that night she noticed with surprise that the door to Snape’s office stood slightly open. She slowed down and listened. Sudden excitement grew and she felt her heart beating in her throat. She could hear Lucius’ voice.



“I am not sure I share your … optimism, Severus and to be honest I do not see how there is anything positive about this development at all.”



“I didn’t say it was positive. I am also not saying that I see this situation optimistically. I am doing you a favour, and you better do not forget it.”



“Well, I am afraid I don’t see this favour that you keep speaking of. If you wanted to do me a favour you would get me that girl. I am not comfortable with her out of my reach and Dumbledore on her tail.”



“I told you, it is lucky for you he put her into my care. Dumbledore does not concern himself with her. He has no idea that she had dealings with you. He is busy with Harry Potter and other things. I am entirely able to keep her under watch and control. She is not a threat.”



“Are we being optimistic again, then?”



“Lets make this clear. This is your mess. I serve the Dark Lord first of all. I will not risk my cover here at Hogwarts to get you your pet back. But what I can do is make sure she does not become a threat for you. If you want her back you are simply asking for to much.”



“You will hand her over, Severus.”



“No, I will not. The Dark Lord would not want me to risk my position this way… that is if he knew how you are betraying him…”



“Don’t you dare call me a traitor!”



“Our conversation is over. Do not contact me here again, it is too risky. We will speak at the next meeting.”



The room fell silent. Kirsty waited. She realised, Lucius could not actually have been in the room. So she stepped forward and carefully opened the door further. Snape stood in front of the fireplace and turned around when he heard the door. He was indeed alone. He had obviously spoken to Lucius in the fireplace.



Kirsty hesitated, but Snape didn’t say anything.



”You were talking to Lucius. I heard you.” she said.



“And?” Snape only said.



Kirsty waited.



“He wants me back.”



“Of course he does.”



“He didn’t say anything about killing me.”



“He doesn’t need to say it. We know each other well.”



“I don’t believe you.”



“That is up to you,” he motioned to the desk where she usually sat to revise. She looked at it in disgust. She could not ignore how close she had just felt to Lucius. It was like he had been right through that one door. If she had walked into the room, he would have seen her, she cold have told him how everyone was holding her against her will. She walked over to her seat and made a decision on her way. She turned back to Snape.



“We need to talk, Sir.”



“Do we?” Snape simply asked. She walked towards him. She was as calm and controlled as she could be. She looked straight at him, then she stopped and said:



“I have no desire to finish school. I have told you before, all I care about is being with him, serving him, no matter what he plans to do with me. What do you think can you and the Headmaster do to change that? Beating me won’t change anything!” She realised she had started shouting again and she breathed deeply to regain her control and continued: “What good is all this supposed to do?”



Snape looked at her quietly for a while, then he said: ”I am making you revise and take extra lessons because the Headmaster wants you to finish school. He is optimistic that you will get over your … infatuation and he wants you to have no disadvantage when you do.”



She was about to interrupt him, but he spoke again: “I know he is being… unrealistic. The Headmaster underestimates how strong your bond to Lucius is. But I am still meaning to break this bond.”



“Why? Only because Dumbledore asked you to?”



“I do not have to answer to you.”



“I suppose not, but I need to know! I need to know what you think what good it will do to torture me like this! Because I don’t see the point!”



He hesitated, she got worried he might have taken offence. But he spoke again:



“You are not seeing the reality that you are in. You are occupied with feeling sorry for yourself. The reality is that you are a thief and a criminal who attempted murder. If Dumbledore did not have his reasons to protect you, you would be in Azkaban. What you need to understand is, that you are given a chance that you do not deserve. And that is all there is. There is no better option, this is it, and you would be well advised to take this chance”, he hesitated, “though I know it seems impossible to you right now. You need to remind yourself: it is this or Azkaban, there is no ‘going back to Lucius’. It is not going to happen and you should not wish for it.”



Tears filled her eyes.



“I am not asking Dumbledore to let me go. I am asking you.”



“It makes no difference. Get it into your head.”



“Never.” She shook her head and blinked to control the watering of her eyes. He stepped forward and looked intently at her:



“What makes you think that there is any chance I would let you go?”



She looked up at him: “You keep saying these things. You keep pretending you know what I am going through. If that is remotely true, you could be persuaded to help me, because you would know how hard it is.”



“We can not always get what we want, no matter how much we want it and how bad it hurts. I had to learn that and I don’t see why you should be spared that experience. That is what life is like. Enough talking. Get to work.”



“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t! And beating me won’t help!”



“Then sit down and waste time.” He glared. She cringed her teeth and turned towards her seat. She sat down as careful as she could and stared ahead.



She did not revise anything that night and Snape didn’t make her. He stood not far from her for most of the time working on a potion. She was glad whenever he left the room for a while and she was alone. Sitting there and staring, her mind struggling to think of nothing was possibly duller than revising would have been, but she did not want to loose Lucius voice that was so refreshed and real in her mind. Her memories of their time together seemed so surreal, as though it had been a dream, not at all true.



It had only taken the duration of one day until the rumour of Kristy’s tantrum in Care of Magical Creatures had spread all over school. And Kirsty had to deeply regret it. She could have ignored any annoying comments, or threats. But students started to get worryingly near the truth now. Everyone was wondering who the Deatheater was that might have kidnapped her. It didn’t even matter if they thought she had spoken the truth. It seemed too much fun to speculate what had happened and who was involved. To Snape’s and Dumbledore’s dislike Kirsty had turned into a celebrity causing as much whispering behind her back and rumours as one famous Harry Potter.



Kirsty heard them, talking quietly behind and all around her in class and on the corridors. Angelina Johnson and her friends circled her once more trying to get out of her if there was any truth to what she had said. Apparently Potter, Granger and their friend had thought a great deal about it as well and came to the solution that it made indeed a lot of sense that she was in with Deatheaters. And it was Harry Potter himself who voiced his suspicion that it was Lucius Malfoy Kirsty was working for. Kirsty had heard about a duel between Harry and Draco the other day previous to which Harry had asked Draco what he knew about his father recruiting Hogwarts students and wondering loudly about his methods and how it fit into what Kirsty had said about kidnapping and rape and abuse. The duel had been prevented by Professor McGonagle. But from then on Draco obviously had nothing but fury in his eyes whenever he passed Kirsty somewhere and Kirsty did not blame him. She felt terribly guilty. She wondered it Lucius knew what she had done, how thanks to her stupidity the entire school seemed to know he was a Deatheater who abused schoolgirls and recruited them for the Dark Lord. Lucius would be more than raging. Her hope that he would keep her alive if she somehow came back to him was dissolving. She grew more angry with herself by the hour and desperate fantasies started to distract her all through the day, fantasies of Lucius punishing her for what she had done, hurting her and making her pay, making her endure everything he had ever done to her and then letting it heal slowly so eventually everything would be good again and they could start over. And then she would give him everything she had in her soul and power to thank him for not abandoning her. She would be there for him always in whatever way he wanted and if he let her, she would constantly be around, give him whatever he wanted even before he knew it himself. It would be all that mattered in her life.



A few days later Snape let her know after class that she was doing so poorly in Potions now, that he was going to give her private lessons as well. She felt a headache coming on. It was bothering her enough that he was constantly in the same room. She was to exhausted from torturing her own soul that she really did not feel like it would help much, if Snape was breathing down her neck again, constantly testing her and not letting go when she couldn’t answer his questions and eventually crushing her completely with sarcasm. And she dreaded another more physical encounter if he felt she needed more disciplinary action. Though she was fantasying a lot lately about being punished for all the trouble she had caused Lucius, Snape’s cane had not been helpful at all.



Two evenings later Kirsty found herself alone with Snape in his office again. He looked down at her angrily while she gazed lazily down the table and finally understood what had been the reason for him wanting to give her extra lessons. A potions test with a fat red F on it was lying in front of her. She didn’t even remember writing this test.



After a long moment of silence he finally said: “So you happily choose to indeed waste your and my time.”



“I don’t choose anything around here. Everyone else is doing that for me,” she said with a bored voice and didn’t bother to look up.



“Ungrateful twat,” he snarled. She looked up now, slightly surprised. None of her teachers had ever called her something like that. Now she rose slowly and stared at him:



“Well, what am I supposed to be grateful for, Sir? The captivity? The caning maybe?”



“Stop for once pitying yourself and think of what other people go through because of you.”



She rolled her eyes: “Oh yes, I know it pains you to be stuck with me. It is all Dumbledore’s idea…if you only had the backbone to stand up to him!”



He advanced at her glaring down: “How dare you!” He paused, but continued staring down at her. It seemed as though he did not know what to say next.



“I’m sorry. But it’s just not my fault that you have to be around me,” she said quietly.



“I wasn’t talking about me, silly girl”, he replied, staring down into her face. She blinked, trying to stop the tearing up of her eyes.



”You always talk about how much you hate being around me, and how it is all just because of Dumbledore and how repulsive I am.”



“What? Nonsense! What is going on in your head? I never said I hate being around you.”



She thought quickly and realised he was right, but it just felt like he said it all the time, like he was thinking it too loud.



“But it’s true, isn’t it?”



It was quiet for a while.



His eyes narrowed: “What complete nonsense. Indeed I can think of more valuable ways to spend my time than watching you brooding and wasting time. And yes I am doing this because Dumbledore asked me to, but I also do it because I support his cause. I know what we are doing is right,” he hesitated and then added ”And any personal feelings towards your are irrelevant.”



“They are not! What do you think it makes me feel like to be stuck with you and constantly being bullied by you and beaten and knowing you even hate doing it!”



“You want me to enjoy bullying and beating you?”



“Yes!”



It was quiet a moment. Kirsty reconsidered: “Maybe then I would not have to feel bad for repulsing you.”



He shook his head: “What the…I never…”



“Yes you did say that, Sir! And it’s ok! Everyone has the right to be repulsed by someone. But you can’t blame me for it bothering me now and then, considering we are together all the time and you are nagging me throughout the day.” By now it had dawned on Snape what she was talking about and he pulled a hand through his black hair and sighed.



“Stop rambling you stupid girl. I said it to make Lucius shut up.”



“Well, thanks for that!”



“You are indeed just as ungrateful as stupid! Every time I refused Lucius offer I was taking a great risk to be discovered!”



“Well, why did you take it?! I didn’t ask to be spared.”



“Don’t be silly!”



“I’m not! If you don’t find me repulsive and it was such a great risk, why didn’t you take me?”



He hesitated a moment: “I do not bed little, stupid school girls just because Lucius Malfoy happens to offer them to me.”



“You’re lying. Lucius mentioned the old days.”



“He was trying to provoke me.”



“Well, it kind of worked, didn’t it? The way you told him to shut up? I saw it in your eyes.”



Snape crossed his arms in front of his chest.



“I am sure Lucius told you some wonderful bedtime stories about the old days. I am however not obliged to do so. My past is none of your business. And once and for all I do not find you repulsive and I do not hate being around you, but I also do not feel the need to revive the past with you. You are my student and I therefore do feel a certain responsibility for you. Unfortunately you are a little more annoying and time consuming than I generally like my students to be. And that’s it. Can we now abandon this ridiculous conversation?”



Kirsty looked down on the desk with embarrassment, seeing the red fat F in front of her again. Who had she thought she was? She was not important enough to have any kind of impression on someone. She was just some schoolgirl just having failed a potions test.



“So, are you going to punish me for failing that test?“ she asked.



“What good would that do?” he replied. She remained silent she felt bitterness creeping up her throat. Now he couldn’t even be bothered anymore to punish her. She didn’t matter whatsoever.



“Look at it and reread the questions and the answers you have given and then we will discuss it and see how we best structure your extra lessons.”



She heard him talking but hardly registered, this was going to be a new waste of time.