The Inadequate Life

“Right,” Harry said, hefting his things. “Tonks: you’re ready?”

“All set,” Tonks agreed readily, grinning. It looked odd on the form she’d taken.

“Remus?”

“I’m ready,” Remus confirmed, holding up his flask before stowing it in his pocket.

“You’re not to drink that until a quarter to eight, right?” Harry insisted. “Then leave here at ten minutes to eight.”

“I understand,” Remus assured him.

“Good. Angelina, Alicia, Katie—you have everything?”

“We’re loaded down with bribe money,” Alicia said greedily. “Wish I didn’t have to give it away, I could afford a ton at Quality Quidditch Supplies!”

“Pull this off, and we’ll buy you their entire inventory,” Ginny said sharply.

“Oo, incentive,” Katie said. “Don’t worry, Harry,” she added at Harry’s worried look. “We’re just nervous, that’s why we’re being such smart-alecks. We’ll make it work, really.”

Harry took a deep breath. “All right. Hermione and Ron—ready?”

Hermione looked a bit pale, but her voice was steady; “Ready,” she said.

“Yeah,” Ron added. “Ready.”

Harry turned to the three standing nearest to him. “Ready?” he asked again.

“I am,” Neville said; he looked absolutely terrified, but resolute, and hefted the sack on his back a little higher. Pansy just nodded, as though afraid that if she opened her mouth she might be sick.

Ginny met Harry’s eyes steadily. “I’m ready, Harry,” she said, her voice filled with love and concern. “Are you?”

The question caught Harry by surprise. “I—” He stopped and considered. The feeling he’d had last night hadn’t abated; he wasn’t going to die that day. “I am,” he said, his voice betraying a bit of bemusement. “I feel—I feel ready for this.”

It was obvious that Harry meant it, and the assembled Dumbledore’s Army took heart. “Well then what are we waiting for?” Fred exclaimed. “Let’s go give those Death Eaters a bit of Hogwarts-style Pranking Extraordinaire!”

There was a cheer, and Harry couldn’t help but grin. “Not to kill the fun,” he said, “but you’ve got about half an hour before you take your positions. Bottle that enthusiasm—you’ll get to release it soon enough!”

Turning, Harry gestured to Angelina, Alicia and Katie. “You three are first,” he said.

The three girls stepped over to the fireplace. “We’ll be back at the apartment before you know it,” Angelina said to Fred with a wink. “We’ll see you at the rendezvous point.”

“Take too long and I might fly off with your new Firebolt,” Fred said teasingly.

“Ginny’s taught me the Permanent Self-Punching Hex, remember?” Angelina said lightly. “See ya!”

Alicia tossed down a huge portion of Floo powder and shouted “The Ministry of Magic!” and the girls were gone in a rush.

“Tonks, you’re next,” Harry said.

Tonks made things simple. She grabbed Lupin by the front of his robes, and kissed him soundly. It looked pretty odd, considering the form she’d taken was of a young man no older than twenty. “See you in a bit,” she said when she pulled back, and grabbed a handful of Floo powder. “The Sword and Sheath!” she called, and also vanished.

Remus coughed at the smirks he was getting. “Being involved with a Metamorphmagus… takes some getting used to,” he admitted.

“I bet,” Harry said wryly before turning to Hermione and Ron. “It’s your turn,” he said softly.

Hermione looked on the verge of tears. She ran forward and threw her arms around Harry, hugging him tightly. “We’ll see you soon, Harry,” she said thickly. “I’m s-sure of it. Just s-stick to the plan and it’ll be f-fine.”

“I know we will be,” Harry assured her. “Really.”

Beside them, Ron and Ginny were hugging each other goodbye. “Be careful, Gin,” Ron muttered. “If anything happens to you, Mum’ll kill me.”

“You be careful,” Ginny countered with a sniff. “Hermione will be unbearable with moping if you get hurt. I’d have to keep hitting her with Cheering Charms until she passed out.”

When the two pairs broke apart, Hermione and Ginny hugged each other. Harry and Ron’s eyes met over the girls’ heads. “It’s not too different from the things we went through at the end of first year, right?” Ron offered. “Just a bit of bravery and cleverness to get through?”

“Sounds about right,” Harry agreed, trying to keep his voice light. “And this time, I know that Voldemort’s at the end of it all.”

Ron’s face twisted up. “I should be there, Harry,” he moaned guiltily. “I should be there with you when you face him! It’s what I was meant to—”

“No,” Harry said forcefully, cutting Ron off. “You should be where Hermione is. That’s what you’re meant to do, Ron. Besides, I have Ginny. One enraged Weasley should be plenty.”

“So we’re superfluous then?” Pansy asked wryly. “Besides, she’s not a Weasley any more, is she?”

“She’ll always be a Weasley,” Harry said, smiling fondly at Ginny, “no matter what her name is.” He glanced back at Pansy. “And no, you’re not superfluous. Just obnoxious.”

His jibe, rather than insulting Pansy, made her grin appreciatively, just as Harry had hoped it would. “Glad to be of service,” she drawled. “Now get over your little Moment—we wouldn’t want to be late, would we?”

“No, we wouldn’t,” Harry agreed. He turned back to Ron and Hermione. “We’ll see you when it’s over,” he told them confidently. “When it’s over for good.”

Ron and Hermione both nodded, and stepped over to the fireplace. Ron took an extra large handful, threw it down and shouted “Weasleys’ Wizarding Wheezes!” and the two of them vanished.

Harry took a deep breath. It was his turn. “Let’s go,” he said, gesturing to the fireplace.

While Neville, Pansy and Ginny took their places to use the Floo, Harry turned to the rest of the assembled D.A. “Remember… leave at quarter after seven,” he reminded them a final time. “Go in pairs to your Floo spots, take your positions as quietly and quickly as possible. When it starts—remember all the training we’ve done. No hesitations, and most of the time it doesn’t matter what you’re casting so long as it’s something to keep your opponent off-balance. Do your parts, watch each other’s backs, and we’ll get through this.”

Pleased with the determination in the faces of his friends, Harry smiled and blinked back tears. “Thank you,” he said softly. “All of you.”

Harry spun quickly and joined Ginny, Neville and Pansy at the fireplace. Ginny and Neville were waiting with a large handful of Floo powder each: nodding at each other, they threw down the powder simultaneously, and cried “Gringott’s bank!”

Harry couldn’t tell where he was going while traveling through the Floo network, but he’d long ago adapted to subconsciously adjust to the eddies of magic he was passing through; when he reached his destination he managed to land on his feet and keep from falling, and was just barely in time to catch Ginny before she fell. Pansy and Neville weren’t quite so lucky, ending up in an undignified heap on the floor.

A pair of goblins helped Neville and Pansy to their feet, and handed Neville his pack. Once the four of them were dusted off, one of the goblins turned and addressed Harry and Ginny: “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Potter—and guests,” he added, nodding toward Neville and Pansy. “We received your owl and have prepared everything as you requested. If you will follow us, we will take you to your vault.”

“Just what I need right now,” Ginny grumbled. “Those blasted carts!”

*****

Alicia, Katie and Angelina came out of the Floo in the foyer at the Ministry of Magic. It was early, so there weren’t many people around, but the bored security guard was sitting at the entrance, just out of sight. Fortunately, it didn’t look like he’d heard them come out of the front desk.

The three girls reached into their pockets, and each pulled out an iridescent piece of material—three of the five Invisibility Cloaks that the D.A. had. They pulled them on, immediately vanishing. “It’s past the desk and to the right,” Angelina whispered. “Let’s go.”

Even though the girls couldn’t see each other, they managed not to bump into each other—or the walls, or the desk of the bored guard—and made it into the elevator at the end of the hall. When Angelina was certain that the other two girls were also in the elevator, she pushed the button for the right floor. Thankfully, the elevator was almost completely silent and didn’t draw any notice as the doors closed.

When the elevator reached the right floor, the three girls stepped out and looked around. Because it was so early, the place was almost deserted—there was no one in sight at all, and most of the offices were dark behind their windows. “Cloaks off,” Angelina whispered, and they all removed the Invisibility cloaks and stored them away.

Katie consulted a sign and pointed down one hall: “It’s that way.”

They walked quickly, checking the nameplates on the doors they passed. Finally they reached one door with no windows, but with light coming from underneath; the nameplate said:

Lucinda Shoppach
Associate Director, Floo Network

Lucinda Shoppach was a close friend of Alicia’s mother. Alicia didn’t understand why, exactly, since the squat, middle-aged woman was dour and irritating. Alicia had been subjected to any number of visits from Ms. Shoppach, during which she’d had no choice but to listen to the woman complain about everything from the wild kneazles that liked to dig up her garden…to how deeply she loathed her job. Ms. Shoppach was vehement in her hatred for her work, which was apparently tedious to the extreme. But Alicia had gleaned from the diatribes she’d been forced to endure that this one otherwise insignificant woman had a certain amount of access to the controls of the Floo Network.

That was what had given Alicia the idea. If there was anyone who was susceptible to a bribe, it was Lucinda Shoppach. And if not—well, they’d just have to deal with her in other ways.

Alicia knocked on the door, and fter a moment it was pulled open. Ms. Shoppach blinked at the three girls for a moment before she found her wits—evidently she wasn’t used to actually dealing with people during her early-morning shift. “Why, Alicia, dear!” she said in a bemused voice. “What a surprise. Why on earth are you here at such an early hour?”

“Hello, Ms. Shoppach,” Alicia replied. “These are my friends Angelina and Katie. We were hoping you could help us with something—could we come in?”

Once thing that Ms. Shoppach could definitely be counted on for was a certain level of civility. “Of course!” she said, hastily stepping aside to admit them. The three girls walked in and looked around. The room was Spartan, with hardly any decoration, but there were rows of filing cabinets and a number of parchment holders mounted on the wall. There was also a large set of double doors on one wall, plainly locked.

In addition there was the usual office furniture: a desk—immaculately clean and free of clutter—with an ornate but uncomfortable-looking straight-backed wooden chair behind it, and a pair of similar (but not as ornate) chairs in front. “I’m sorry I don’t have enough chairs…” Ms. Shoppach said, shutting the door and bustling over.

“That’s all right, I’ll stand,” Angelina offered.

Alicia and Katie took the other seats, and only then did Ms. Shoppach take hers. “Now,” she said brusquely, her posture very erect, “what can I do for you girls?”

“Well, I remember from what you’ve told my mum that you have a high level of access to the Floo Network,” Alicia said, not beating about the bush—they didn’t have time for that. “We were hoping you could help us find someone. Do you know where Delores Umbridge is?”

Ms. Shoppach’s nostrils flared. During Christmas break two years earlier, Alicia’s mother had been the victim of one of Ms. Shoppach’s longest, most vociferous rants, and the subject had been Dolores Umbridge. The former High Inquisitor had wreaked havoc on the Floo, forcing them to shred their carefully organized department in order to keep up with Umbridge’s demands for spying. And since Umbridge had had the backing of the Minister, there hadn’t been a thing they could do about it. From the bits she’d picked up from her mother, Alicia guessed that they were still trying to repair all the damage that Umbridge had done.

“I may do, yes,” Ms. Shoppach said stiffly, sitting up even straighter. “Why would you ask?”

Alicia leaned in conspiratorially. “The Floo Network wasn’t the only thing that Umbridge mucked up. Did you hear what she did at Hogwarts?”

“Only what was revealed in the papers,” Ms. Shoppach said, leaning in herself. “Which wasn’t much, truly.”

Angelina, Alicia and Katie took turns describing the Decrees Dolores Umbridge had tried to force on the school. They embellished greatly, to make everything seem even worse than it had been. In just ten minutes, Ms. Shoppach found all her previous feelings about Dolores Umbridge upheld, and then some. “That’s positively horrid,” she whispered dramatically. “Oh, I knew that woman was bad news…”

“That’s why we want your help finding her,” Alicia said. “We’ve been waiting two years for the chance to enact a bit of payback.”

Ms. Shoppach sat back, her eyes widening in shock. “Why, Alicia!” she gasped. “I couldn’t possibly—the Floo Network protects the privacy of its customers!”

“Like Umbridge respected the privacy of Hogwarts students?” Alicia countered. “Or the teachers? She checked their mail too!”

“Well—well, that’s true, but—”

“And she didn’t even get punished, or even reprimanded!” Angelina added. “Just transferred out of London!”

“Yes,” Ms. Shoppach agreed, twisting her lips in distaste. “But even so, I can’t be party to causing anyone harm, not even her.”

“Oh, we don’t want to hurt her,” Alicia said with a wicked grin. “Anyone can do that. We want to teach her a lesson.”

Ms. Shoppach blanched. “I had no idea that you were like this, Alicia Spinnett,” she said faintly, but with a hint of disapproval.

Alicia gritted her teeth. They didn’t have time to argue. “We’ll make it worth your while,” she offered.

Ms. Shoppach’s mouth worked for a moment. “Are—are you offering me a bribe?” she gasped.

Each of the girls drew out two large sacks loaded with Galleons and dropped them on the desk. “Six thousand Galleons,” Alicia said plainly. “All you have to do is point the way to that—woman—and then look the other way for five minutes.”

Ms. Shoppach stared open-mouthed at the sacks of Galleons, as Alicia had suspected she would. From her complaints about what she put up with in her job “despite the paltry salary I’m given”, she suspected that the money on the desk was equal to two years of the woman’s salary. Please, Alicia thought desperately, very aware of how little time they had, please be as dense as I’ve always known you were…

Finally, Ms. Shoppach stood up. She walked stiffly over to the set of double doors, and pulled out her wand. She half-turned back to the girls; “You swear to me that you won’t harm her—just, ‘teach her a lesson’?” she insisted.

“That’s all we want,” Alicia assured her.

“No one can hear about this,” Ms. Shoppach muttered. “If they did—”

“We’d be in as much trouble as you,” Angelina pointed out. “We’ve got nothing to gain and everything to lose by telling.”

Nodding, Ms. Shoppach pulled out her wand. The girls all reached for their wands, but Ms. Shoppach only turned back to the doors. She raised her wand and began to chant, and magi swirled around the doors, making them glow.

This was what the girls needed from her. The Floo Network control points were all protected by the personal magics of the persons whose job it was to regulate them. Lucinda Shoppach had one of those control points in her office, and she was the only one who could unlock them. The magic wouldn’t accept her magical ‘key’ if she was forced to give it under duress—hence the bribe, to gain her reluctant agreement.

Not that the girls cared about where Dolores Umbridge was—that was just the story they’d come up with to help convince Ms. Shoppach to unlock the doors.

The magic stopped swirling, and Ms. Shoppach lowered her wand. Then she grasped both door handles and pulled the doors open simultaneously.

Inside were row upon row of tiny fireplaces. Each one was a working replica of a real fireplace that was connected to the Floo Network in England. “Now let me see,” Ms. Shoppach said to herself. She raised her wand again and said “Dolores Umbridge!”

A single fireplace from the lower left area inside the closet floated out into the middle, in front of the other fireplaces. “There,” Ms. Shoppach said, pursing her lips. “I—”

“Obliviate!” Angelina lowered her wand as Ms. Shoppach stood perfectly still, blinking her dazed, unfocused eyes. “We’ve got ten minutes before the dazedness wears off,” Angelina said. “Let’s do it.”

Angelina had had to wait until they’d seen how the fireplaces were controlled before she could Obliviate Ms. Shoppach. The woman would remember helping them find Umbridge, and turning her back while the girls Flooed through the fireplace and then Flooed back five minutes later. She would remember them thanking her and leaving. She would have to deal with the bribe herself.

While Katie walked the nonresistant Ms. Shoppach back to her chair, Alicia and Katie hurried to the rows of fireplaces. “Okay,” Alicia said. She pulled out her wand and pointed it. “All the Floo fireplaces in London!”

Several rows, each with at least a hundred fireplaces, floated to the front, while Umbridge’s fireplace retreated to its spot. “Okay, now what?” Angelina said.

Alicia frowned; she wasn’t sure. “If I know Lucinda Shoppach,” she said, “she’ll have a book of instructions here somewhere, even if she doesn’t need it.”

Sure enough, Katie found a large bound book in a desk drawer titled Floo Network Controlling Spells and Regulations. It was almost a thousand pages thick. Angelina, thinking quickly, cast a search charm on it for anything relating to external control.

The first few entries had nothing to do with what they needed. But the fourth was the title of a chapter: Chapter 74 – Setting Up External Portable Control For Work While Out of the Office.

Within three minutes, the girls had created a set of copies of the copies of the original tiny fireplaces for every one in the entire city of London. Katie conjured a box in which they stored all the second copies, and she stowed it in her robes. Then, just as Ms. Shoppach was starting to rouse, the three girls slipped out the door, tossing on their Invisibility Cloaks.

The trip out of the Ministry was faster, but more harrowing. The girls had to dodge a number of people, since the building was starting to fill up with weekend staff. They each got to one of the fireplaces used for Flooing, and waited until there was enough noise from the people going about their business before they threw down their own handfuls of Floo powder and said “Weasleys’ Wizarding Wheezes!”

The three of them arrived at roughly the same time. Once they were all there, Angelina checked her watch under her cloak; “Seven-twenty,” she said. “Quick, upstairs!”

They hurried into the closed shop—keeping low in the darkness—and reached the back door. It was enchanted against entry, but not against exiting, so they slipped out without any trouble, and turned to the outside set of stairs that led to the flat above the shop. Keeping their eyes open for trouble even though they were invisible, they reached the second floor and knocked.

After a second there was a voice from the other side of the door. “What does Voldemort fear above all else?”

“Gred and Forge’s Canary Creams,” Angelina answered. It was the response they’d worked out ahead of time.

The door opened just enough to admit them one at a time. They all squeezed inside, and Ron shut the door quickly behind them. Hermione was there too, as was Justin. “At last!” Ron hissed, even though the room had been Charmed to prevent sound escaping. “What took so long?”

“She took more convincing than we expected,” Katie admitted. “But we got what we needed.” She held up the box. “All the controls for all the Floo fireplaces in London.”

Hermione came over, took the box from Katie and opened it. “How does it work?”

“It responds to vocal commands,” Angelina said. “You just say the name of the person who you’re looking for. Or the group.”

Hermione frowned, and looked down at the rows of fireplaces. “All the fireplaces in Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley in London!” she said firmly.

Before Angelina could correct Hermione that she needed her wand, a number of fireplaces floated to the front, forming four rows. As Angelina’s eyebrows shot up, Hermione looked up and beamed at the girls. “Excellent,” she said. “An excellent job! Thank you!”

“Right,” Alicia said, blinking bemusedly at Hermione’s unexpected display of power. “Er… you’re welcome. Here,” she added, handing over the book of Floo controls, which she’d pilfered. “Just in case. Um…so we’ll just go to the roof now, then.”

“Here,” Ron said, handing each of the girls a strange-looking device. “They loop over your head—they’re the walk-ee talk-ees that Fred and George made up. Before you go out, test them—Oliver and Krum have theirs already.”

The girls got their headgear on. Someone, probably Fred and George, had come up with some clever straps to keep the devices from flying off. “Er—hello?” Angelina said hesitantly.

“Oh good, you’re here!” Oliver’s voice said in their ears. “Can you all hear me? And each other?”

The other two confirmed that they could both hear and be heard. “Right,” Oliver said, “Krum’s on the roof already, he’s got your brooms.”

The girls handed one of the Invisibility cloaks to Justin, who left to meet up with Cho. They gave another cloak to Ron. “Who’s staying?” Ron asked.

“Me,” Katie said.

“Good,” Ron said. “Alicia, Angelina—that last cloak goes to Krum. You know how to get to the roof?”

“Of course,” Alicia confirmed.

“Good luck,” Hermione said as Alicia and Angelina slipped out the door.

“You too,” Alicia said wryly. “Not that she’ll need it,” she whispered to Angelina after the door had shut. “Did you see that? She didn’t even use her wand on the fireplaces!”

“She might just be powerful enough to pull it off,” Angelina replied, stunned, and the two of them began to climb the ladder to the roof.

*****

“So, you’re all ready then?” Katie asked, eyeing the little area in the corner, which contained a comfortable cushion in the center of a chalked circle of runes.

“We are,” Hermione said distractedly, studying the fireplaces. After another moment she gave a second command: “Separate the fireplaces belonging to Borgin & Burkes, Mordred’s Menagerie and Grouning’s Magical Artifacts!” Three fireplaces separated from the front rows and moved off to the side.

“This is really very ingenious,” Hermione said. She looked up when she got no response, and flushed slightly at Ron and Katie, who were watching her bemusedly. “Well it is!”

Ron shrugged. “So long as it works. Er—it will work, won’t it? All you’ve done so far is rearrange them…”

“It will,” Hermione said confidently. “I’ve read about this type of spell.” She placed the book on the table and flipped it open. After flipping a moment she smiled with satisfaction. “Like I thought—it’s a spell that responds to specific verbal commands. It doesn’t differentiate between sorting commands and commands which realign the fireplaces’ input and output. So long as I put my will behind each command, it will obey them.”

“Maybe you should test it,” Ron suggested. “Just to be sure.”

But Hermione shook her head. “We don’t want the Ministry knowing that I’ve taken control of the London Floo until the last possible moment, remember? Right now they have no way to tell, but as soon as I make an actual change someone is bound to notice. That’s why Alicia’s still here, remember? So we’ll know exactly when Professor McGonagall shows up.”

Ron nodded. Then he grinned. “That’s Minerva to you.” Hermione laughed, and Katie, not getting the joke, merely rolled her eyes.

*****

Harry thanked the last goblin, and turned back to the others, who were waiting for him. “So what do you think?” he asked Neville and Pansy.

“It’s beautiful,” Neville said.

“Are you sure that Granger can reach here?” Pansy asked skeptically.

“She’s practiced on this exact spot,” Harry insisted. “She can do it.”

“Right,” Pansy said, although she didn’t sound convinced. “Well, let’s get Neville’s tricks taken care of, shall we? I can’t say I like the complete lack of anything to hide behind in this place.”