Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thanks to thesewarmstars who helped to build this chapter. Thanks to Torina for a plot beta and WhiteCotton for a grammar scrub down.

Thank you all for you continued interest and support of this story. It really is my heart's love and I thank you for reading, even during these darker chapters. I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.

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Two Characters in Search of an Exit


The following Saturday found Severus in very much the same position as the last.

Truly, this is becoming ridiculous, he thought while sitting in his chair, contemplating the fire and the depression that Harry was falling further and further into.

Something had to be done.

Severus had been teetering on the edge of his control for days now and could see no relief on the horizon. He had known this would be difficult, known it would be no easy task to feel Harry suffer in this manner. He had gone the distance through so many trials. His life as a spy in both wars had taught him the necessity of patience and endurance.

But as much as he was loath to admit it, Harry's pain was something he could no longer tolerate. He feared what was left of his control would soon slip through his fingers if he did nothing to ease Harry's suffering.

The question became how he could do so without giving his bondmate false hope, for if he were to call Harry to him, that would undoubtedly happen. He had no desire to feel Harry's spirits fall further or see the light leave his eyes again.

So what could he do? He needed to see Harry, needed to comfort him and speak with him, but how could he accomplish this?

Suddenly, his mind drifted towards his office and the safe that was hidden behind the framed picture of a bubbling cauldron. He rose and went to the other room, muttering the password that protected the Order's most precious potions.

Slowly, he reached for the last potion he and Harry had made together, asking himself if he was capable of doing what he was currently considering.

He gripped the bottle in his hand, plans already forming in his head, thinking that this had to work.

********************

Severus knocked on the door, hoping the wolf would be in his rooms and praying Harry wouldn't be with him. Quidditch practice had ended a few hours before, and Harry could very well be studying with Lupin, as he had been apt to do for the past week.

He tapped his foot unhappily as he heard rustling inside and a friendly, "Just a moment," from the wolf in question.

Lupin opened the door widely, clearly expecting it to be someone else, which was a good sign that Harry was not there yet. His face quickly fell at his discovery of Severus at his door.

"Severus?" he asked with obvious perplexity. "To what do I owe-"

"Is Potter here?" Severus interrupted, poking his head inside to assure himself that Harry would not overhear their conversation.

Lupin frowned. "Harry? No, I think he's in the library with Hermione. Why do you- ah! Severus!" Lupin yelped inelegantly and grabbed at his own head, from which Severus had just plucked a hair.

Severus hastily pushed the other man inside the room and closed the door behind them.

"Severus! Why did you do-" Lupin broke off as Severus removed a flask from his pocket and put the hair inside it, making the answer to his question more than obvious.

"Is that what I think it is?" Lupin asked gravely.

"That would depend upon what you think this is," Severus said, hiding the flask in his pocket once again.

Lupin drew his wand from his robes far faster than Severus would have thought possible, and he moved to do the same.

"What are you playing at?" Lupin asked.

"I am simply returning the favor you paid me over the summer, Lupin. The idea of another man walking around in your skin suddenly not so appealing to you?"

"What are you going to do?" Lupin asked, his voice low, eyeing Severus' pocket and no doubt wondering whether it was possible to retrieve the flask.

"That is none of your business-"

"It bloody well is my business if you're planning what I think you're planning."

"Again, Lupin, I have no idea what you think I am planning."

Lupin sneered and extended his hand, his palm up. "Give it to me, Severus. Why would you need to be me? What on earth could you be planning that you would need to walk around in my skin?"

Severus glared and looked Lupin directly in the eye. "I need to see Potter."

Under any other circumstances, the confusion on Lupin's face might have been amusing. "You want to see Harry?"

Severus scoffed and said, "Is something wrong with your hearing, Lupin?"

"Why would you need Polyjuice to see Harry? He's been dying to speak to you for two weeks. If you asked him, he would be here in a moment." Lupin smiled and laughed in what seemed to be relief. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say this, Severus. What happened that changed your mind?"

Severus cleared his throat. "You are laboring under a misapprehension, Lupin. Nothing has changed. I merely wish to see Harry. I need to- I wish to see him for myself... to see for myself that he is not... suffering unduly."

The smile faded from Lupin's face as quickly as it had come. "You wish to see Harry... because you want to see how badly he is suffering?"

"I wish to assure myself that he enduring. That he is coping with the pain of separation well enough, and-"

"You miss him."

Severus raised an eyebrow but did not lower his gaze. He had lied to better men with a straight face; this would be no different. "Hardly. I wish to know that he is moving on, that he is not romanticizing what brief thing occurred between us-"

"Liar. You feel guilty." Lupin scoffed and turned away from Severus, going to sit in his chair. "You've been pushing Harry away for weeks and now suddenly you want to see him? There's no end to your selfishness, is there, Severus?"

"Don't you dare call me selfish! I may be many things, but I am not that. Everything I have done has been for Harry and you have no idea-"

"I have no idea? If I didn't know for certain that you feel everything he feels, I wouldn't think it was possible. How you've managed to do this-"

"I will not have this argument again!" Severus cried, his body stiff and his fists clenched. "I need to see Potter and I require your help to do so."

"You miss him so much you can't see straight. Is that control you're so very proud of finally slipping?"

Severus clenched his teeth and fumed at Lupin for having guessed the real reason for his need to see Harry. Though he was loath to admit it, he acknowledged that he needed Lupin's help if he was to successfully see his bondmate. His need to see Harry seemed to be growing exponentially by the moment.

"I need to see him, and I require your help to do so," Severus repeated.

"No," Lupin said plainly, standing and ushering Severus to the door. "If you want to see Harry, then do it as yourself. He's wanted nothing more for weeks now, and it would do you both good to see each other. Maybe he could make you see reason-"

"I do not wish to give him false hope. Nothing has changed, Lupin... I merely need to see him."

Lupin sighed and looked at Severus with pity. "Well, perhaps it's something that you even admit to needing him." Severus was about to protest the difference between needing Harry and needing to see him, but Lupin continued talking. "Fine. If you need to see him so badly, I'll call him up here. I'm sure Madam Pince can fetch him. I'll even stay in the room if you'd like, just to make sure-"

Lupin went to his mantel to collect some Floo powder, but Severus took two long strides and grabbed his arm at the wrist, stopping him.

"I cannot- not with the way he would look at me-" Severus cut himself off and rubbed his temples. He had not wanted to admit that, but his desperation for Harry was forcing him to do whatever was necessary in order to see him.

"Perhaps you should see the way he looks at you. Maybe that will knock some sense into you."

Severus wanted nothing more than to damn Lupin to the deepest layer of hell, but held his tongue. "I see him every day and it- it is difficult looking at him... even in a room full of people." He had not wanted to admit that.

"He loves you."

Severus closed his eyes and shook his head, not wanting to appear at such dire straits, but was unable to hide his need.

"I need to see him," he repeated.

"Then see him. I am not stopping you."

Lupin walked to the door and opened it, glaring as if he wanted to throw him out.

Severus stood still, unable to move from his spot, his heart heavy with grief and longing for his bondmate.

"Remus," Severus said softly, his voice taking on a note of desperation.

Lupin looked over to Severus, his face straight but his eyes taking an interest in what Severus was saying.

"Remus, please. I need to see him," Severus said, addressing his old colleague in a way he never had before, hoping he would understand how desperately he needed his help.

Lupin closed the door.

He rubbed his face with his hand and then cupped his cheek in frustration. "Why can't you see him as yourself?"

"Because I am at the very end-" Severus cleared his throat and tried to gain control over his emotions. "Because I do not think I could have him look at me and be able to resist him. I think- That man has too much power over me and if he only asked-" Severus broke off and looked Lupin in the eye. "Because I cannot give in." He shook his head. "You may think it is the height of selfishness, but I tell you it is not. I cannot give in but I need to see him. "Please," Severus said, openly pleading.

Lupin sighed and rubbed his face with his hand again. "If I do this for you, you have to promise me something."

"Anything," Severus said, surprising himself that he had agreed so swiftly, not bothering to ask what it was Lupin wanted from him.

"Harry is-" Lupin sighed and seemed to consider his words before continuing. "He's sad, Severus. He's very close to something horrible."

"I know how close he is to desperation."

"He hit desperation a week ago, I think. I believe he's very close to breaking down altogether. I need you to promise me that you will not use my face to turn him away."

Severus began to protest, but Lupin cut him off.

"No, Severus. He needs to have hope. If you need to have your control, he needs to have the hope that you will come around eventually. It's the only thing keeping him going. If you take that away from him, he'll have nothing left."

Severus had not planned on using Lupin's face to convince Harry to stay away from him; the idea had not occurred to him. He only wanted to speak with Harry, be in his presence for more than a passing moment or in a room full of people.

Merlin, how he missed Harry.

"I swear I will do nothing to dissuade him. I only wish to see him for a while, Lupin, I promise."

Lupin nodded and said, "Alright then." He sighed and scratched the back of his head, tossing the graying hair up into disarray.

"You'll need to change. My bedroom's through there. There aren't many robes, but you'll probably see the ones I wear on a daily basis. Um-" Lupin looked around, no doubt realizing there was more to a person than just a face.

"We usually have tea around now, so there's no need to call him. He stops by every day, you know?"

Severus said nothing to that, and began to look around the rooms, thinking of questions he needed to ask so he could successfully play the part.

"Do you have a usual cup?" he asked, gesturing to the tea service.

Lupin looked at the Hogwarts standard china and shook his head. "No. Severus, I know you think you can play the part, but there are aspects to my relationship with Harry that you know nothing about."

Although he knew Lupin couldn't be speaking about anything inappropriate, he frowned and glared at the man.

Lupin rolled his eyes. "I mean that we have camaraderie. Harry's very open with me, he has no problem touching my arm or my shoulder and I do the same with him. Do you really think you'll be able to pull that off?"

"You were able to do so in front of Draco Malfoy, a feat I had not thought possible, but you did do it."

Lupin nodded, but said, "Yes, but it's not so difficult to make a straight face and act as though the entire world is irritating you. Being friendly... Well, I don't think I've ever seen you be friendly. Not even with Harry."

Severus sighed and conceded the fact, but it did not matter. "I have kept my true allegiances secret from the most powerful Legilimens alive. I believe I can hide my identity from a young man well enough."

"Are you even capable of smiling?" Remus asked seriously.

Severus gave his most disturbing grin, answering Lupin's question silently.

Lupin shuddered. "Practice that in the mirror." They were silent for a moment before Lupin said, "He'll talk about you."

"I know."

Lupin nodded, then cast tempus. "I think I'll go down to Hogsmeade for a few hours. That should give you the time you need."

Severus nodded and walked Lupin to the door, feeling only the slightest tinge of guilt for putting the man out of his own rooms.

"Severus..." Lupin said, trailing off as he stood on the threshold. "Be kind to him."

Severus nodded, acknowledging that he wanted to do nothing less, and lamented needing Lupin's face to do it.

*******************

The first thing Severus thought as the polyjuice transformed his body was how in the seven layers of hell Lupin could stand to be in this kind of pain on a constant basis.

The second was that he had no desire to see the man undressed and so he averted his eyes as he pulled up the borrowed shorts and trousers, pulling on a shirt and tattered robe as quickly as he could, hoping Lupin had given him the same courtesy.

He adjusted his robes, unused to the soft, threadbare fabric against his skin. He put on Lupin's worn loafers and turned to look at himself in the mirror.

Well, he certainly looked like Remus Lupin, but any resemblance disappeared when he looked himself in the eyes. They were brown, but any resemblance to Lupin's easy-going kindness ended there. They contained the same harsh glare Severus had worn since he was a teenager.

He looked at himself and tried to think of some happy thought.

Harry. He thought of Harry and...

Depression

Hopelessness

No, that was not his happiest thought at the moment. Perhaps Harry and how they had lived together during the summer, both of them so content...

Blast.

Severus brought up fingers not as long and slender as his own and rubbed his temples.

He stopped himself. He couldn't do things like that, gestures that Lupin did not make himself. He practiced ruffling up the back of his hair in the mirror the way Lupin had done when they were speaking.

There, that was more like Lupin.

Alright, back to the eyes.

Happy memory, happiness, something, anything not so-

Severus sighed and tossed up the back of his hair again, just for practice. It was odd touching hair shorter and coarser than his own. He ran his hand through it and realized that one side was a bit longer than the other. He scoffed.

Lupin cut his own hair. He did the same for himself, but then it was very easy to cut something in a straight line. Lupin obviously hadn't mastered the light feathering that he attempted to hide the gray. Not that it was doing any good, Severus thought as he patted down the hair he had scuffed up.

He sighed and looked again at Lupin's reflection, his own harsh eyes and firm scowl making it seem as though Lupin had just been given some inferior chocolate.

He sighed again. Surely it shouldn't be this difficult to look happy. Merlin knew Lupin had nothing to be happy about, but he seemed to manage just fine.

Perhaps something happy wasn't necessary to drive away the demons that seemed to haunt his eyes even in their current guise.

He thought of his potions lab and his library and his collection of rare Dark Arts books.

There. He didn't look quite so miserable anymore. Now just to keep the darkness from his eyes and move on to his mouth.

Lupin's muscles seemed to be quite used to smiling and so that came far easier to Severus than it ever had before. He practiced the smile he had seen Lupin give in greeting, that small one coming easily enough.

Next, he smiled the full smile that Lupin tended to give when someone said something he thought was funny.

Must remember to find things funny, he thought.

Right, now to practice the laugh. Severus rarely laughed, and when he did, it was a small, low chuckle. In fact, he laughed so seldom that he was actually capable of remembering the last time he had done so.

That time in the summer with the dead billywig.

Severus sighed and looked in the mirror, then began thinking of his Dark Arts collection again.

He tried to replicate Lupin's broad grin and ended up frightening himself. Perhaps a little less teeth... yes, there it was.

A few minutes later, he was confident he could mimic Lupin's chuckle, but seemed incapable of producing the deep laughter Lupin called forth so easily.

He gave it up as a lost cause.

Some minutes after that, he heard a knocking on the outside door and his heart leapt in his chest.

Harry, he thought before fighting to gain control of his emotions. Harry would not be able to tell where Severus was through the bond, but if Severus allowed his emotions to be manipulated by the conversation...

He shook his head and put on his greeting smile, storming out of the room.

No, no, mustn't storm, he thought, backing up and walking with Lupin's smaller steps.

Suddenly, he patted his pockets and remembered something.

"Accio chocolate," he said in Lupin's voice. The confection whizzed up to him and he caught it, thrusting it into his pocket. How could he have forgotten the chocolate?

He walked slowly to the door, remembering to call out 'just a moment' the way Lupin had when he had first gained entrance to his rooms.

He steeled himself, thought of his Dark Arts collection while assuring himself that the grin was painted on his face, and opened the door...

Only to find his breath taken away by the vision that greeted him.

Harry looked smaller than he had seemed the last time Severus had been alone in his company. His fatigue was portrayed in the way his shoulders were slumped and the dark circles under his eyes.

Severus could feel his suffering through the bond, had seen it in the Potions classroom and the Great Hall, but witnessing it up close was something far different.

Yet regardless of how awful Harry looked, it was still Harry in front of him and the sight was enough to make his heart beat faster.

He'd almost allowed himself to forget how very beautiful Harry was, even in his anguish. How bright his eyes were and how broad his shoulders, even when he slouched. His hair was in disarray and Severus thought he could see a blade of grass strewn about the mess.

His lips were pale and far too chapped, but Severus had to restrain himself from kneading them with his own; his desire to kiss Harry, to taste him and hold him threatening to break his resolve.

Severus stood still and attempted to regain his control even as his entire being told him to grab Harry and drag him to bed, begging to allow himself to believe he could ever be worthy of this young man.

"Remus?" Harry asked softly. "Are you alright?"

Severus blinked, suddenly realizing how long he had been staring and the skin in which he was doing it.

He plastered on the greeting smile and hoped his eyes didn't give too much away. "I'm fine, Harry. Come in!" he said, probably a bit too cheerfully.

"Alright," Harry said tentatively. He went and sat in a chair by the fire without being asked, demonstrating how comfortable he was in Lupin's room. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Severus nodded and smiled, pouring the tea and then coming and sitting in the chair opposite Harry, giving him what he thought of as the nicer cup.

"I'm fine, Harry. Just a bit tired with the full moon approaching," Severus said, improvising. He was quite fortunate that what he had said was true and that such an easy lie was available.

"Oh," Harry said, his eyes lowering to his teacup. "Is Severus- Will he be-"

Severus knew instantly what Harry wanted to ask and thought it odd that until now he had not thought to make the Wolfsbane that Lupin would need to pass the full moon unscathed.

Still, if it would take the darkness from Harry's eyes, he would do it. "Yes, actually, I've spoken with Severus and he's agreed to make my potion."

Harry looked relieved and Severus smiled and congratulated himself for bringing some happiness to his bondmate. "Oh, good. That's- that's good of him. I'm glad."

Severus sipped his tea and silence fell upon them, Harry occasionally looking up and smiling.

It was an easy camaraderie and Severus could understand what Lupin had meant when he had described their friendship. Suddenly, he was immensely glad that Lupin was here, glad that Harry had someone to speak to in his sorrow.

The blade of grass stuck in Harry's hair was calling out to him and he found his hand nearly twitching to remove it. Lupin had said that he often touched Harry...

"You have a-" Severus cut off as he gestured to the blade of grass stuck in Harry's hair.

"Oh," Harry said, running a hand through his hair, making it messier, but the grass remained elusive...

Which worked in Severus' favor. "Here, let me," he said, smiling. Harry leaned his head forward and Lupin's smaller hands ran through it, Severus savoring the soft messiness before removing the foreign object.

"There," he said, showing it to Harry who smiled and sipped his tea.

"How was practice? Think Gryffindor is going to take the Cup this year?" Severus asked, trying to smile even as he spoke. Honestly, how did Lupin manage to be so consistently cheerful? Did he take a potion?

"I don't know," Harry said plainly. "I really don't care. Furthest thing from my mind right now."

Severus allowed the smile to slip from his face. Harry was no longer interested in Quidditch?

"You've always loved Quidditch, Harry. Why would you take no interest this year?" At Harry's glare, Severus immediately realized his mistake. The tender sadness that had graced Harry's features left him and anger took its place.

"Why-" Harry turned his head and laughed darkly. Severus felt his heart clench in his chest at the sound of it. He had never heard such a sound from Harry, never something so cynical and sarcastic.

"Why do I not care about Quidditch this year? Oh, let's count the reasons. Let's just... just talk about them, because talking about it is so fucking great, right Remus?"

"I didn't mean to upset you, Harry. We can talk about something else-" Severus attempted to calm his bondmate down, but Harry's face was turning red and he could feel the hopelessness and the slow slide of depression through the bond.

"No, Remus, let's talk about Quidditch! Gosh, I sure hope we beat Slytherin this year, because oh- that'll change the outcome of the war, won't it?! I really hope I get to catch the snitch and not Malfoy. Because that matters!"

"Harry, I'm sorry-"

"Let's hope Severus doesn't serve as referee, because you know he'll just give points to Slytherin- and I'll just be so crushed."

"Harry, please calm down."

"I'd just be so crushed, Remus, if Severus were to betray me like that! Because he's been so-" Harry's face was completely red and his breath was coming in pants. His teacup was still in his hand and he clutched it in his fist, then threw it at the wall, the china breaking and scattering all over the floor.

Harry put his head in his hands and Severus sat there silently, not understanding what had just happened. He had never seen Harry's emotions become so out of control so quickly. He sat there feeling completely useless, wanting nothing more than to comfort him.

"I'm sorry," Harry said softly, trying to calm his breathing.

Severus wondered what Lupin would do in this moment. He stood up and went to stand in front of Harry, putting a hand on his shoulder, hoping the firm weight would be enough.

"I shouldn't have said that. Of course your mind is on... other things."

Harry laughed bitterly and Severus nearly recoiled at the harsh sound. "Are we not saying his name today, Remus?"

Severus grew nervous, not knowing how he should address what was happening between Harry and himself. Lupin had said that Harry was nearing a breaking point, but-

Severus closed his eyes and attempted to give Harry what he needed.

"He will come around, Harry. He's-" How did Lupin talk about him when he wasn't around to hear what was being said? "Well, he's-"

"Completely miserable," Harry said picking his head up and patting Lupin's hand. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. You didn't deserve that." Harry pulled his wand from his pocket and said, "Reparo. Accio." The cup was whole again, and Harry put it back on the tea tray.

"He's completely miserable, Remus, and no matter how many times you and I talk about it, I just can't figure out what to do. Nothing changes. I know you said that it was up to him, but-"

Severus sat down again and listened intently to Harry. He knew what Harry had been feeling for the past weeks, but not what he had been thinking. And what had Lupin been telling him?

Harry sighed.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Harry said in a desperate whisper and Severus felt his hopelessness course through the bond. It took all of his remaining strength to cling to his chair.

He had no idea what to say, what to do to ease Harry's suffering, except to take him in his arms and tell him he did want him, that he did love him and he was so incredibly sorry he was not a better man.

He had not wanted to give Harry false hope, and yet that was what he had to do.

"Severus is a very stubborn man, but... I am sure he will come round eventually. Don't give up hope, Harry. You... need to be strong. It will be alright... in the end."

There. Perhaps that would be enough to soothe Harry, if only for a moment.

"How can he stand it, Remus? You don't know what he feels... what he goes through every second of every day! And this has been going on for half his life. I just don't know-" Harry seemed frantic, and he rubbed his eyes from behind his glasses.

"I just feel so fucking useless. What good am I? I should help him; I should go to him, but-"

Guilt flared in Severus as he watched Harry suffer because of his shortcomings. He felt his control slipping and he clenched his hands to his chair, physically willing himself to stay put.

"He deserves so much more than me," Harry whispered, angry tears finally beginning to fall.

Severus had heard enough.

"There isn't anyone better than you, Harry." And with that, Severus rose from his chair, sunk to his knees, and embraced the man he loved. He felt Harry's desperation as he grasped Severus tightly, wrapping himself around him and burying his nose in the collar of his robes.

Harry sobbed and clung to him, his hands clawing at his shoulders in his weeping, and Severus felt something inside Harry break.

"Oh, God! Please- I can't do this anymore, Remus! Fuck-"

Severus held Harry tighter and felt his own heart break at Harry's suffering. He no longer cared about keeping up his appearance, nor did he care if Harry found him out- all he needed was to comfort Harry in any way he could.

"It'll get better, Harry, I promise. You're so much more than he deserves. Please believe me- you are so much-"

Harry pulled away and wiped his hand eyes with his hand. "What?" Harry asked, pulling out of Severus' embrace.

Severus mentally reviewed what he had just said, finally realizing it was the disparaging comment he had made about himself that Harry was protesting.

"You're- a very good man, Harry. I'm sure that Severus just has a hard time feeling worthy of you."

Harry looked at Severus curiously before sniffing and asking, "Is that what you said?"

Severus nodded, gray hair mixed with brown swishing about. He tried to smile but was afraid he'd end up showing too much teeth and give himself away. He settled for patting Harry's knee again as he sat back on his heels.

"God, I hate this. I hate what it's doing to me." Harry gestured to the tear tracks lingering on his face and said, "Look at me. Look at this!" He scoffed and said, "I'm even annoying myself. I'm glad Severus isn't here- he'd probably be disgusted with me."

Severus felt guilt invade him at the knowledge that Harry thought so little of him. Had he not listened to Harry mourn Weasley during the summer, his young love screaming his pain while Severus could only lie there in silence? Did Harry really believe he would think less of him for the physical evidence of his sadness?

"I'm sure that's not true, Harry. I can't imagine Severus would be that... petty." Even as he said it, he regretted his choice of words, knowing that he had been incredibly petty towards Harry over the years and hoping Harry wouldn't bring it up now.

Dark laughter came from the younger man. "Severus not petty? We are talking about Severus Snape, right? Tall, dark, bonded to me but doesn't want me? That Severus Snape?" Harry sat back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. "Yeah, well maybe he wouldn't, but I wouldn't know. He's not here, is he?"

Severus shook his head. "No, he's not."

"I cried when Sirius died and I cried when Ron died. No one's died and yet here I am crying. God, how pathetic."

"There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions through tears, Harry. If you allow such emotions to fester, it will only hurt you."

Harry peered at Severus curiously before running a hand through his hair and sighing. "Was it ever like this with Emma?"

Emma? Damn, Severus thought as he struggled to keep his nerves under control. He mentally reviewed his time at Hogwarts, searching for any Gryffindor named Emma. He could recall none and so he thought of any Emma he may have met during school.

He drew a blank and remained quiet, desperately trying to think of an innocuous answer to Harry's question. Harry, however, was not concentrating on him, instead looking at his hands with a far off-look in his eyes.

"Something's bothering Severus," he whispered. He shook his head. "I need to stop talking about this. So, was it like this with Emma?"

Severus was able to deduce several things in an instant- first, Emma must have been an old girlfriend of Lupin's and it had not ended well. Two, however it had ended, the course of the relationship was similar to the path his and Harry's had taken, so it was safe to assume that Lupin would smile sadly and talk fondly of memories of an old love.

"It was a bit," he mused, taking on what he assumed would be a wistful look in his eye. "But then things are always difficult when love is involved."

Confusion

"Love?" Harry asked, his voice soft and tentative. "But you said you never loved her, that it would have been so much worse-"

Harry broke away and looked at Severus, looked deep into his eyes and cut through any happy thoughts of his Dark Arts collection and Severus felt blasted open. He saw the instant Harry realized that something was afoot.

"Remus?" Harry stood up from his chair, quickly causing it to topple over, and he backed away from Severus quickly.

"Harry-" Severus stood up and tried to diffuse the situation.

"What's the password to the Marauder's Map?" Harry asked, suddenly pulling his wand on Severus and taking a step back, his shoulders squared as though facing an enemy.

Severus remained still and put up his hands. "Harry, I know you're upset, but there's no need-"

"What's the password to the Marauder's Map?!" Harry shouted, his anger and panic coursing through Severus.

Severus sighed, conceding defeat. "I have no idea."

Harry looked at Severus incredulously, his wand trained on Severus' chest. He watched as Harry's face fell and his anguish overcame him.

"Severus?" Harry asked in a desperate tone.

Severus nodded, the gray and brown hair swishing about rebelliously. Even Lupin's hair was happier than his.

Harry stood there shocked, his body completely still, moving only to lower his wand. Severus put down his hands but remained quiet, allowing Harry to regroup.

Anger

Betrayal

Sadness

"Why?" Harry whispered desperately. "Why would you do this? Do you want me to suffer? Is your own pain not enough for you, you need mine too?"

Severus' face fell and he was amazed at how badly things had turned so quickly. He had known Harry would be angry if he was caught, angry at the deception, angry at the lie and angry that he had used his friend's face to see him.

But this feeling of betrayal... Severus had no idea where it came from.

"Why would you do this to me?" Harry asked, his face twisted in grief.

Severus had no idea what to say. He had not wanted to give Harry false hope and yet here he stood, expecting to watch the light fade from Harry's eyes once again.

"I... needed to see you."

"Why?" Harry asked with gritted teeth. "And why like this? Why use Remus?"

"I needed to see how you were-"

"You know how I am, you selfish bastard! You know exactly how I am every goddamned second of every goddamned day since you-" Harry trailed off in his anger and he turned his head, trying to regain control of his faculties. "You needed to see me? And so you- what? Stole Remus' body so you could see me without having to talk to me?"

"No, Harry-"

"Yes, that's exactly what you wanted! You wanted to see me, to talk to me, to ask how my day was and talk about Quidditch and-"

Grief and despair raged through Severus and Harry's face twisted in disbelief.

"You wanted to touch me," he whispered. "You wanted to be able to touch my hair and my hands and hold me without letting me hold you."

Severus lowered his gaze, ashamed. He had known that what he wanted had been selfish, but his desire to see Harry had been so great-

"Do you have any idea how much I want to touch you? Do you know how badly I want to look at your face? How badly I need to see your face? But I'm not looking at your face, I'm looking at Remus', you selfish bastard."

"Harry, I realize there is no excuse for my actions, but I needed to see you," Severus said desperately trying to make Harry understand that there had been little choice in the matter.

"You need?" Harry asked, his jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists. "Do you have any idea how much I need you? Do you?"

Severus closed his eyes and felt just how quickly Harry was falling apart. He was doing this; he had done this with his selfish desire to see him when he should have just stayed away.

"Yes," he answered plainly.

"And you... liar!" Harry screamed. "'He'll come around eventually, Harry.' You... how could you do that, say that to me?"

Severus opened his eyes to answer Harry. "Because I did not wish to see you so upset. I wanted to give you some small comfort-"

"Even if it was a lie?" Harry asked in a shout.

"Yes," he said again.

Harry nodded and laughed hysterically. "Get out. I don't want to see Remus' face look at me like that anymore."

"Harry, please-" Severus pleaded, no longer above begging to have Harry understand.

"Get out," Harry repeated. "I'll send a house elf with whatever you left here. I just- get out."

Severus nodded and walked to the door, but stopped Harry from opening it with Lupin's smaller hand.

"Who is Emma?" he asked, knowing he might very well be overstepping his boundaries, but his desire to stay in Harry's presence just a moment longer outweighed his manners.

Harry shook his head. "That's none of your business."

Severus looked at Harry, finding it easier to look him in the eye at this height. "You were concerned over her, over something that had happened. Who was she?"

Harry looked at Severus and glared. "She was Remus' you, except he had the good fortune not to fall in love with her."

Severus felt his heart fall even further and he lowered his eyes to the ground.

Remorse

At once Severus felt Harry's guilt at the harsh words he had said, but his bondmate said nothing. Severus deserved every harsh word that had come from Harry's mouth and still Harry felt guilt for having hurt him.

Severus really didn't deserve him.

He put his hand on the doorknob but did not open the door. He simply stood there, wishing he could do anything to make this better; anything that could take away Harry's pain.

"Just go," Harry whispered. "I don't want to look at him anymore."

Severus opened the door and walked through it, his back stiff and his expression fallen.

He turned around suddenly, needing to know one more thing. He could not explain the sudden urge to ask this question, except to say that it concerned Harry and Harry concerned him.

"Harry..." he began, and watched his bondmate's face look upon his in grief.

"What?"

"What is the Marauders' Map?"

Harry glared and turned his head away. "Just a spare bit of parchment," he said, before slamming the door in Severus' face.