A Turn for the Better

Chapter 25 ~ Hermione's Quandary

A month passed, and it was now mid-December. The Christmas Ball was coming up as well as holiday vacation. Hermione was still working with Snape, not even a quarter of the ingredients prepared yet. And it was no picnic indeed as Snape stayed on her, correcting her methods constantly, even redoing some of her work. She nearly burst into tears several times when he disposed of ingredients she had unwittingly contaminated.

"Crying doesn't help, Miss Granger, focus does," the wizard said.

Snape never yelled at her for her errors. He saved that for his students in class. But he had a way of sighing with disappointment that was even worse as far as Hermione was concerned.

"I see we're going to have to go back over the basics, Miss Granger. Now, pay attention this time."

Hermione felt terrible because everything from the basilisk was so very valuable. One night after Snape had to throw away a bit of ill-ground bladder, Hermione suddenly asked him why he just didn't assign her to something else, rather than let her ruin such valuable ingredients.

"When you become my apprentice and make errors, I will not be able to simply 'assign you something else.' I am going to have to work with you as I am doing now," he told the stricken witch, who wiped at her eyes with her cloth. "I am teaching you. If you knew how to do everything correctly, you wouldn't need a teacher."

"I should have caught on by now. I'm ruining so much of your ingredients," she said, looking up at him, her eyes wet.

Snape gave her a small smile.

"Perhaps if I had to actually purchase this basilisk, which by the way I would have never been able to do, I might be more upset about what is being lost in processing it. However, since you provided me with the beast for free, I can take the losses. What we do glean will still be priceless, Miss Granger. And remember this, once you come into your own, your abilities will be far more valuable than any ingredient. The most expensive ingredients mean nothing in the hands of one who cannot utilize them. So dry your tears, Miss Granger and get back to work."

Hermione couldn't believe how patient the wizard was with her. He never once lost his temper despite his reputation for giving incompetents what for.

But Snape didn't think she was incompetent. And there was the rub.

But Hermione's nightly sessions with Snape were showing up in her everyday life, and to others, not in a positive way. Neville was especially concerned.

"Hermione, what's wrong with you?" Neville asked her as they left Advanced Potions. Luna was waiting for Neville at the dungeon entrance and fell in step with them quietly, her hand entwining with his. She waved to Hermione, but didn't say anything. Hermione didn't wave back or even acknowledge her.

True to his word, Neville had asked Luna out, and her response was, "kiss me," which Neville did. It was a nice kiss, but no tongue. It lasted about ten seconds. When he pulled away, Luna made a big production of apparently tasting his kiss, then requested one more, which Neville gladly provided.

Luna blinked up at him, then said, "okay Neville, I'll go out with you. I just wanted to make sure I'd like you kissing me first. I do."

So they officially became a couple.

Luna was only sixteen, and Neville treated her accordingly, having no intentions on pressuring the witch into anything. But he discovered a lot about her, such as the crazy things she seemed to do actually weren't crazy at all, once you knew what was behind them. But Neville always believed Luna had reasons for acting the way she did, and was delighted to find out he was right. Of course, when the pair of them were spotted walking through the castle, both dragging their hands along the corridor walls, everyone thought Luna's looniness was rubbing off on the Gryffindor. Even Hermione was concerned until Neville explained they were looking for keystones that opened secret passages and showed her one or two of Luna's lesser discoveries.

"And all those weird items she wears, bottle tops and other things, they're charms she's working on. She's frugal and doesn't spend Galleons on materials in the beginning, and just uses what's around. If she's wearing more than one, they're at different degrees of experimentation. She keeps them with her to work on during idle times," he told Hermione.

Hermione was glad she spent her evenings with Professor Snape, because Neville began spending a lot of time with Luna, as was to be expected. Hermione couldn't help feeling she was losing her best friend, and it showed by how curt she was with the Ravenclaw.

Luna just gave Hermione room and tried not to be obtrusive when she was in her and Neville's company. Luna had always lived in her own world and was comfortable with being alone and not having very close friends, but Neville seemed to be Hermione's only friend. And now, he was showing a marked interest in someone else.

"Nothing's wrong with me, Neville," Hermione replied, irritation in her voice.

Since starting her detentions with Snape, Hermione's work habits in Advanced Potions changed. Up to this point, she had always been the one who finished brewing first in the class, capping her bottles and placing them on Professor Snape's desk with satisfaction, her brown eyes scanning the still-working class as she returned to her desk, smug and hands folded.

But now, she finished with the last half of the class, her brewing slowed significantly. Even Neville beat her by as much as fifteen minutes.

"I think you're becoming neurotic, Hermione," Neville told her. "You clean your workspace obsessively, and it's slowing you down. Your marks are going to suffer. What's wrong?"

"My marks are going to be fine," Hermione snapped as Luna dreamily walked beside them as if she didn't hear the conversation. Her presence seemed to piss Hermione off more.

Neville left it alone, deciding to talk about something else. Unfortunately it was something equally upsetting to Hermione.

"You're coming to the Christmas Ball, right?" he asked Hermione a bit contritely.

Usually, they went together as friends, but this final year . . . he was taking Luna.

"I don't know," Hermione replied, frowning. "Listen, I'm going to go, Neville. I have studying to do."

Instead of heading to supper, Hermione went to the library and tried to lose herself in studying alone until it was time to go to Professor Snape.

The fact was, she didn't plan to go to the Christmas Ball. She didn't want to go alone. Over the years, she and Neville had braved the balls together, but now he had a girlfriend, so of course he was going to take her. Hermione didn't want to be a third wheel, and she didn't want to sit around watching everyone else have fun and commenting on her being by herself. She'd just go home a day early.

When Hermione arrived in detention that evening, Snape noticed immediately that she was troubled by the short, curt greeting she gave him, and her silence as she worked. Not that she wasn't always quiet and focused, but this silence was extremely heavy. He watched her work, correcting her as usual, and she took it stoically, stopping what she was doing and starting over without complaint.

Finally, the Potions master said, "Miss Granger, you can stop work for tonight."

Hermione had only been working about an hour and a half, and had been looking forward to spending at least three hours in the Potions master's presence. Then she could return to a quiet Gryffindor tower and go straight to bed. Now, she'd have idle time, and she didn't really want that.

"You're sending me back to Gryffindor, Professor?" she asked him tremulously.

Snape studied her.

"You don't seem pleased to have an early night," he responded.

"I'm not. Please, can I keep working?" she asked him.

"No. It isn't good to work when your mind is troubled. You can make worse mistakes than usual. Perhaps you need a few days off," the wizard suggested, thinking that the stress was getting to her.

"NO!" Hermione said desperately, then caught herself as the Potions master arched a surprised eyebrow at her passionate outburst. "No. I mean, this is all I have other than studying, Professor. I need something to occupy my mind . . . keep me busy. Besides, I'm going to be gone for over a week for Christmas holiday, so I want to do as much as I can before then."

In fact, Hermione wished she could stay at Gryffindor over the holidays and continue to work. They could get so much done. The wizard still had over a ton of ingredients to prepare, kept in stasis in a large, warded storeroom.

"I want you to get dressed, Miss Granger, but . . . if you do not want to go back to Gryffindor tower yet, you may stay a bit longer," he told her against his better judgment. "Perhaps you might share with me what is troubling you. As your master, I will also serve as your confidant, as you will for me. We might as well begin to establish that bond, if you are comfortable with that."

Hermione realized that, regardless of how Professor Snape felt about her on a personal level, he was going to be a very important man in her life over the next four years. Because of their history however, she couldn't see him as a father figure . . . the idea was practically incestuous. But he would serve as a mentor. Gods, who would have ever imagined she'd have a Slytherin for a mentor?

She walked behind the partition and began to remove her robes, aware as always, that he was in the same room with her when she was at her most vulnerable and accessible. There were times when she had thought about walking from behind that partition in only her underthings and seeing his reaction. More than likely, she'd have points taken and Merlin only knew what else. But a part of her hoped that he would respond to her another way, like a man responds to a woman he is attracted to. But knowing Snape, the first thing on his mind would be the improperness of it all. For a Slytherin, he certainly stuck to the rules.

Snape may have stuck to the rules, but he was very aware of Hermione's state as she changed from protective gear to her regular clothing. When he rescued her from Harry, he had seen her body for an instant, and it brought the distant past glaringly to the present. And he had so many dreams about the witch, that he'd taken to drinking a few sips of Dreamless draught at night to help him sleep.

Hermione Granger had grown up to be an exceptional young woman. She had a fine mind and a willingness to learn and to discover. She was the kind of student every teacher dreamed of having in their class. But he couldn't lie to himself. He was very physically attracted to Hermione as well, and a part of him wanted to school her in another way, his focus on her carnal education, teaching her body, rather than her mind.

Snape couldn't help feeling that when they met those many years ago, the witch had been . . . well . . . cheated. Her first time was with a selfish, randy young wizard with no artfulness to his love-making, if it could even be called that. She had been convenient and susceptible to coercion, and he had been self-seeking. True, he had changed his approach a bit when he learned of her attraction to his older self, but he was still little more than a randy teenager. She had not been given the consideration, care and treatment that a virtuous young woman deserved her first time.

In his heart, Snape knew he had simply acted as most young wizards do at that age, but he felt he owed the witch more than he'd given her . . . and also, his own ego was itching for satisfaction . . . redemption. He'd like to show her all the tenderness she had been denied in that first, greedy coupling. He'd like to have her experience something other with him than simple animal response. Yes, he had no doubt that she had enjoyed her first time with him in the exuberant way of the young, her orgasm pounded out of her, but there were ways, much better ways to garner such responses.

He'd like to show her how much he had changed, how much more he had to offer her, how much he was willing to give her to keep her happy, what concessions he would make to insure she had every opportunity . . .

Was he being a fool for love again? He had loved once before. It was a young love, but young love can be the most painful, and indeed it had been, none of his hopes realized and what was worse, the object of his affections tossed him over for a man that was technically, his mortal enemy. Not only tossed him over, but married the man and bore him children.

Lily had been the only witch he'd taken that he had true passion for. She was in his heart, in his soul. Even his Patronus had reflected the depth of his feelings for her. Now, he had no Patronus. He'd been unable to summon one for years. His other indulgences were just for physical gratification. Even Hermione.

But in Hermione's case, once he realized that the young woman who changed and possibly saved his life was real, and was a young woman so dedicated and selfless that she braved Time itself to change the path of a world at peril to her own life and future, he knew Hermione Granger was more than worthy to be loved and respected. She deserved the entire world laid down at her feet and the man that she accepted would be one lucky man indeed.

He wanted her. Badly. If only the fates would be kind.

"Professor?" Hermione said, standing behind him in her everyday robes. The wizard had been staring into space, a strange expression on his face.

Snape turned and looked at her, his heart full. If only he could just tell her what he felt, what he wanted . . .

But he couldn't. Not now. He still had to wait, had to maintain the proper medium between student and teacher. There were lines that just couldn't be crossed, not if he wanted to have a relationship with her in the long term.

"We can spend the rest of your 'detention' in my office, Miss Granger," he said, gesturing toward the lab door.

Hermione opened it and walked through. Snape followed. As he did so, his sharp ears heard her stomach growl.

"Have you eaten, Miss Granger?" he asked the witch as he billowed behind her.

"Er . . . no, I went to the library to study and skipped supper," she replied.

Snape scowled as they passed through the classroom, heading for his office.

"From here on out, you are to eat properly. Your mind cannot function at its best if your body is not properly nourished. I will order something from the kitchens. You wait here," he ordered as Hermione sat down and watched him enter his private quarters.

After several minutes, he returned, sitting down at his desk and looking very stern.

"It isn't good to eat this late, but you must be fed," he said to the witch. "I'm sure you are aware how important proper nourishment is, Miss Granger. Now tell me, what is it that has you in such a quandary, you're skipping meals?"

Hermione didn't want to tell the professor that the main reason she skipped supper was because of Neville and Luna's new relationship. How she was angry at her friend for getting a girlfriend and bringing someone else into the mix. It was silly and petty. She couldn't expect Neville just to be there for her. He had a right to happiness with a witch who saw him as something more than a friend.

She didn't want to tell Snape that she was jealous that Neville had found someone he felt he could love and could love him back. That she was jealous he'd found something she hadn't. Something she wanted with a man who wouldn't return her affection despite being her first lover. She didn't want to tell Snape . . . no she couldn't tell Snape she believed she was in love with him, wanted to be with him in this timeline in every way.

"It's the upcoming NEWTS," Hermione lied as two house elves winked in with sandwiches and pumpkin juice. "They just have me so on edge."

They spent the next hour and a half conversing about inconsequential things, and because of propriety, kept the words that really mattered locked in their hearts.

After all, considering their situation, it was the logical thing to do.

Yet, it was a truly wise man who said, "Logic ridicules love, and love smiles knowingly at the whole foolishness of logic.”

In the case of Hermione Granger and Severus Snape, no truer words were ever spoken.


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A/N: That quote comes from the Indian spiritual leader, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. Thanks for reading . . . now moving on.

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