Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. There are so many lovely people who have such kind words to say about this story and I appreciate every one of you. If you'd like to be included on the update list, please leave me your email so I can add you. As always, you can find me on the yahoo group Severus Sighs.

Thanks to thesewarmstars and WhiteCotton who helped to beta this chapter. Also, thanks to Torina who lobbied to change one single line that made all the difference. Again, thank you all for reading.



Those in Exile


"Only solitary men know the full joys of friendship. Others have their family; but to a solitary and an exile his friends are everything." Warren G. Harding


Harry was standing at the top of the Astronomy Tower on Saturday afternoon, ignoring the pangs of hunger cramping his stomach and trying to distract himself with the sunny weather.

But, as had been the case for the past week, no relief was imminent and he closed his eyes and once again tried to ignore the ache caused by the absence of Severus. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down to the ground, casting his attention on Fang, who was lazily napping in the shade of Hagrid's hut.

"Harry?"

Harry turned around and broke into a wide smile at the sight that greeted him. Remus was standing in the doorway with a picnic basket in hand, smiling tentatively from the shadows.

He'd never been so incredibly happy to see Remus in all his life. At once, Harry felt great relief at seeing his friend and walked over to him, extending his hand.

Remus laid down the basket, took Harry's hand in his, and pulled him into a full embrace.

Harry was a bit surprised at the friendly gesture, but hugged Remus back, intending it to be a short, friendly greeting; he quickly found himself holding onto the man for dear life. His arms clung around Remus' shoulders and he closed his eyes, burying his nose in the collar of his robes.

Thank God you're here.

Remus seemed to know what Harry needed and he held him tighter, not letting go until Harry pulled away a few seconds later.

His heart slightly lighter than it had been just moments before, Harry smiled and clasped Remus' shoulder, the other man allowing the gesture with a smile.

Remus picked up the basket once again and said, "Dumbledore thought you might be more inclined to eat if food were brought to you."

Harry laughed, the feeling a welcome relief after the sadness of the last week. "Thank you. It's so good to see you, Remus."

Remus smiled and said, "And you. Would you like to eat up here or in my rooms?"

The thought of entering the castle when the afternoon was so lovely was not appealing to Harry in the least and he shook his head. "No, let's just eat here."

Remus nodded and they went to lean against the wall, sitting in the shadows with only their feet reaching the sunshine. Remus took out sandwiches and coleslaw, handing Harry his. Harry was careful to remove the tomato before he began eating.

The silence was a comforting one and Harry allowed himself to enjoy it, attempting to ignore the still-present ache that was his constant companion. They ate in silence, neither man feeling compelled to talk, but both knowing a very important conversation was pending.

Once Harry had finished his fruit, he leaned back and looked at his hands. There was an apple seed stuck to his palm and his hands were pleasantly sticky. He wiped them with a napkin slowly as he finally asked, "So, I take it Dumbledore told you what happened?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, he told me... In great detail, I might add."

Harry winced and asked the question whose answer he had no desire to know. "Are you angry with me?"

Remus was quiet for a moment and so Harry looked over, slightly fearful of what he would find.

Remus was frowning, but looked thoughtful. "Angry? No, of course I'm not angry. Surprised, yes. But why would I be angry?"

Harry ran a hand through his hair and counted the reasons. "Well, for starters he's a he."

Remus made a sputtering sound and waved his hand, as though what Harry had said was not even worth addressing.

Harry didn't relax, however. He hadn't thought that Remus would be the kind to look down on a gay relationship, but he'd had to be sure. That had been the least of his worries. Remus might not frown on a relationship with another man, but there were a host of other reasons he could disapprove of Severus.

"And well... He is your age. My dad's age."

Remus nodded slowly, as though he was choosing his words carefully. "Yes, there is that. But I'll tell you what I told Severus- I think I can understand why you would want someone older than you. You've faced trials that would leave most adults running in fear. You and Severus have similar pasts and a common bond that connects you to Voldemort. I can see why someone like Severus would appeal to you. Really, Harry, I'm not angry."

Harry was relieved to hear that Remus wouldn't judge... whatever his relationship with Severus was because of the age difference, but one thing stuck out to him.

"You spoke to Severus?"

Remus smiled sadly. "I did. I told him the exact same thing I just told you... in August."

"What?" Harry said, confused. "What do you mean? We were only bonded last week."

Remus' smile faded and he looked at Harry gravely. "Harry, I don't think you realize just how much Severus loves you or how long he's loved you."

Harry looked away and played with his fingers again. "Since the infirmary, he said. Since the night he almost died. He said-" he broke off and cleared his throat. "Um-" Harry felt a shudder go through him as he recalled how Severus had told him of how he knew some kind man had come to him, but that he had not known it was Harry. Flashes of memory swept through him of how Severus had called him beautiful. His thoughts lingered on the kiss they shared and how Severus had looked at him...

He cursed himself and put the memory away, focusing on his conversation with Remus.

"He said he's loved me since then."

Remus nodded. "Severus is not a very demonstrative man, Harry, but I've known he was in love with you for months now. For all his talents for hiding himself away, he just couldn't help the way he would look at you."

Harry clenched his teeth and gave a bark of laughter. "Yeah," was all he said in response.

"I knew you were in love with him, as well."

Harry turned and looked at Remus. "You knew? How could you have known when I didn't know?"

Remus shrugged. "You're a young man and... well, love hasn't come easily to you. And I suspect you never thought it would come in the form of Severus Snape."

Harry shook his head. No, he had spent the summer in awful confusion, not knowing what it was he felt for Severus. It wasn't until Severus had kissed him that he had finally realized...

He groaned before he could help himself and forced his thoughts back to the present.

"How did you know, Remus?"

Remus laughed and flung an arm over Harry's shoulder. "Well, I was a bit suspicious when Severus was fully healed and yet neither of you wanted to leave the little nest you'd made for yourselves. Or perhaps it was the way you were always talking about him on our daily visits. Or it could have been the way I felt like a third wheel whenever I was around the both of you."

Harry smiled as he recalled what Remus was talking about. It had only been that one time, but it had been odd when Remus had entered Severus' lab. He had been happy to see his friend, but it was as though he had been interrupting something that Harry hadn't understood until now.

"But it was the same as Severus, Harry. It was the way you looked at him. There was no mistaking the look in your eyes. It was like the sun rose and set just for Severus Snape."

Harry smiled and leaned a bit into Remus. Thinking about it now, he could see how it was a bit obvious.

"So, you approve then? I mean... not that there's much to approve of-" Harry cut himself off as Remus withdrew his arm and his face became devoid of emotion.

"I can't say I approve of what Severus is doing, no. I hate what he's done to you, Harry. And the fact that the bond is unbreakable-"

"Yes, but," Harry nervously interjected. "Look, I know it looks awful right now, but Remus, please. I need you with me on this. I-" Harry ran a hand through his hair again and looked at Remus, his eyes full of desperation. "It's only been a week, Remus. It's only been a week, and already I feel like I can't take anymore-"

Harry buried his face in his hands and tried to control himself. He couldn't fall apart; it would hurt Severus.

"You don't know what it's like. He's in pain... all the time. He hates himself so much, and I just- All I want is for him to trust me, but he doesn't. I tried to tell him that I loved him and I..."

Harry clenched his fists as his desperation grew. "He doesn't believe me when I say I love him. He thinks I'm some child, that I don't know what I want, and he thinks he's some monster that shouldn't be allowed anywhere near me."

"Well, in all honestly, Harry, I would have preferred you put off making a life-long decision like this bonding for a few years-"

Harry turned to Remus and glared. "Severus didn't choose this and neither did I. What did you want us to do? Say 'sorry, Fate, can you give us about eighteen months or so?'"

Remus didn't laugh. "I'm being honest, Harry. I told Severus the same thing in August. It would be easier for me to approve if you had waited a year or two."

Harry looked down at his hands again. "Yeah, well it's a bit late for that now. And besides, I know what I want. I know who I want and I think I've been through enough in my life to know myself, alright?"

Remus nodded and was silent for a moment. "Alright. I trust you."

"Do you?" Harry asked as he met Remus' gaze again.

"Yes," Remus said. "If you say you need me with you on this, then I'm with you."

"So you would approve... I mean..."

"If Severus were a completely different person?"

Harry protested. "You're exaggerating. He-"

"Severus hates himself, Harry. I would love to give you my full support, but it's a bit difficult when Severus has made his feelings on the matter perfectly clear. Severus hates himself more than you love him, probably even more than he loves you. There's nothing you can do to convince him that he's worthy of you."

Harry didn't want to hear this. He couldn't hear this. He had to have hope that Severus would come around, had to have hope that there was something he could say, something he could do to make Severus feel worthy.

He stood up and frantically paced the tower, running his hands through his hair and trying to refute what Remus had said.

"You can't know that for sure, Remus. You don't know him."

"I know Severus well enough, Harry, and besides that I've known people like him."

Harry shook his head in exasperation. "No, you don't understand."

Harry turned around and ran straight into the other man's chest. He took a few steps back and looked Remus in the eye.

"This is for life! And even if it wasn't, I don't want to give up on him. I love him! I can't give up on him, I have to try, I have to at least have... hope that something, anything-"

"Harry," Remus said, as he grabbed Harry's wrists.

Harry broke away and continued his pacing. "There has to be something I can say, something I can do."

"There's not, Harry. You don't have to give up hope, but you do have to stop beating yourself up. Severus has hated himself longer than you've been alive. There are no easy fixes here, no magic words. If there were, don't you think I would tell you?"

Harry walked over to the edge of the tower, leaning against the wall and putting his face in his hands. His emotions were in turmoil and he could feel Severus' attention on him, wondering what was wrong. Well... More wrong than usual.

He deliberately slowed his breathing and tried to push the pain away, tried to be strong so Severus didn't have to worry about him.

"Is Severus talking to you?"

Harry shook his head. "It doesn't work like that. But he's worried."

"Good. He should be worried. Maybe if he feels what he's doing to you, he'll end this stupidity."

Harry slowly turned to Remus, shocked at what he was hearing. Softly, he asked, "You're not actually implying that I should attempt to manipulate him? Him? Of all people?"

Remus shook his head. "No, Harry-"

"'Cause I won't do that to him. I won't force him to be with me just because I-"

"Harry-"

"That's what Malfoy did! He took away his choice, and Severus..." Harry's face was turning red and his face was screwed up in despair. "That's the most important thing to him!"

Remus approached Harry slowly and grabbed his shoulders. "That's not true, Harry. Perhaps it was before, but now he has you."

Harry shook his head, knowing he had failed the man he loved.

"Yes. He has you, Harry. And you need to be patient. There's nothing you can do to change Severus' mind. He has to do that himself."

Harry's body was shaking with the force of his grief and he tore himself away from Remus, sinking down against the castle wall. Remus joined him and they sat in silence while Harry forced himself to calm down.

"How do you know, Remus? I mean, how can you be so sure?"

Remus opened his mouth, then closed it again and smiled. "I knew a girl once... very much like your Severus."

My Severus, Harry thought.

It took a moment before Remus' words fully registered in Harry's mind. He immediately felt horrible guilt and turned to Remus apologetically.

"Oh, God! I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish- just talking about myself."

Remus put a hand up to stop Harry's ranting. "It's alright, Harry. It was a long time ago. But I do know what I'm talking about."

Harry nodded and the two sat in silence once again, their minds wandering.

Finally, Harry asked in a small voice, "Were you ever in love?"

Remus smiled painfully and shook his head. "No, I've never been in love, Harry. I can't say I've ever had that pleasure."

"But then how-"

"There was a girl once. Her name was Emma and... she was so beautiful." Remus bent his legs and rested his arms on his knees as his eyes looked at something far away that Harry couldn't see.

"She was a werewolf, too, but she wasn't bitten as a child like I was. She didn't grow up with the curse and... she never adapted the way I did."

"I'm sorry," Harry said softly.

Remus looked over to Harry and smiled sadly. "She hated the curse and she hated herself. She would tell me not to fall in love with her. I used to think that she was being coy, that she wanted me to chase after her."

"Didn't she?" Harry asked.

Remus shook his head in response. "No. She was being honest. She hated herself more than I could have ever loved her."

They were quiet for a moment before Harry asked, "So, what did you do?"

Remus shrugged. "We were together for a while. We were even happy... from time to time." Remus frowned and dug at some dirt that was under his nail. "But what happiness we had never lasted very long. She couldn't trust me, Harry. She couldn't trust that I thought she was worth loving."

Harry felt his heart sink as he thought of Severus. "Did you love her?"

Remus looked over at Harry and looked him in the eye. "No, I didn't. I can't bear to think how horrible it would have been if I had. Her companionship was better than being alone for a while, but..."

"What happened?"

"She ended it. I might have let it go on for a while longer, if only to have someone to keep the sheets warm. She couldn't stand to be around her family, her friends... being what she was."

"Oh," Harry said, thinking the worst. "I'm so sorry."

Remus nodded. "She went to America. Ran away, as it were. The point is, Harry, some people get so lost in their own desperation that they can't see the person willing to rescue them."

Harry nodded and looked at his hands, wanting to look anywhere but at Remus.

"I know you want to rescue Severus, Harry, but he has to want to be rescued."

Harry chuckled sadly. "Severus doesn't seem much like the damsel in distress type."

Remus smiled. "No, he doesn't. But I'm hopeful that he will come around. Don't give up hope."

Harry smiled and gave a bark of laughter. "I can't. He's..."

He trailed off and closed his eyes, needing to feel Severus, all of Severus, understanding that even his pain was a part of him. His lover was there, as he always was, in his agony and Harry allowed himself to be grateful that he was there at all.

"The sun rises and sets for Severus Snape."

Remus nodded and stood up, offering Harry a hand up.

"Do you need to study?"

Harry nodded and ignored the odd change of subject.

"Why don't you get your books and go study in my rooms? They're the same from the summer."

"Alright," Harry said. "Are you coming?"

Remus nodded and said, "I'll be along in a while. There are a few things I have to attend to first."

************************

Severus was sitting in his chair by the fire, his mind focused solely on Harry and the tumultuous state of his emotions. Severus felt every pain, every ounce of despair and desperation, and he wanted nothing more than to find Harry and bring him home.

But that was the one thing he could not do. He had to remain steadfast, had to be strong for Harry. The urge to give in to his lover's wants was threatening to overwhelm his desire to give Harry what he needed.

And he needed to be away from Severus.

He was torn from his thoughts by a knock on his door. He rose slowly from his seat, cursing whichever wayward student dared disturb his peace on a Saturday afternoon when his time should have been his own.

He opened the door and frowned when he found Remus Lupin on the other side, his face almost unrecognizable with its scowl.

Severus scoffed. "If you have come to lecture me, Lupin, I think you will quickly find-"

Severus was cut off as Lupin's fist collided with his nose, Severus wincing and taking a step back from the force of the blow as he felt the cartilage break and blood begin to flow down his face.

"Fuck!" Severus swore uncharacteristically as he cupped his nose. "Lupin! What was that in aid of?"

Lupin crossed the threshold to his rooms, rubbing his knuckles and glaring at Severus before slamming the door behind him.

"Don't look at me that way, Severus, you know you deserved that."

"I know no such thing, and how dare you come into my home simply to accost me-"

"How dare I?"

"-without any provocation whatsoever!"

"No provocation?" Lupin said, his tone revealing that he thought he had every right to be here in Severus' rooms. "'I'll not lay a hand on him,' you said. You promised me, Severus!"

Severus tilted his head back in an attempt to stop the blood gushing from his nose but still managed to make a growling noise as he responded, "I said it would take an act of God for me to touch him. Well, guess what happened, Lupin!"

"Oh, for pity's sake," Lupin said, removing a handkerchief from his pocket and giving it to Severus who quickly put it under his nose. "I didn't hit you that hard."

"No?" Severus said, removing the handkerchief to reveal the already swelling flesh.

Lupin winced, but did not apologize. He looked Severus directly in the eye and said, "You swore, Severus and I took you at your word."

"I assume you've spoken to the headmaster?" At Lupin's nod he continued, "Then you know what happened was not in my control."

"Perhaps not," Lupin conceded, "but what's happened since then was. I never thought you could be so cruel, Severus, so incredibly callous to another human being, let alone the man you claim to love."

"I have never claimed to love anyone," Severus said, knowing it was a lie.

"The bond is a walking claim to Harry, Severus. How you could be so-"

Lupin broke off whatever nonsense he was about to spout when the door busted open and Harry charged into the room, brandishing his wand and out of breath, looking as though he had run the entire distance from Gryffindor Tower to the dungeons.

He stood there panting, taking in the scene: Severus' face bloodied and Lupin still holding the hand with which he had hit him.

Severus saw the instant Harry calmed enough to realize what had happened. His body deflated from its fighting stance and he lowered his wand. Green eyes roamed over Severus' face and he guessed what he must look like.

"Oh," was all Harry said.

He looked from Severus to Lupin, who finally looked just the smallest bit remorseful. Guilt that Harry had suffered due to his barbaric attack, Severus mused.

"You're hurt," Harry said to Severus, stating the obvious.

Severus tried to shake his head, but his nose would not stop its bleeding. Lupin was stronger than he looked.

"Are you alright?" Harry asked.

Severus met Harry's eyes and for a moment it was as though they were alone.

Worry

Severus could feel Harry's concern for him, he could see it in his eyes, which were roaming between his own and the bridge of his bloodied nose.

Harry raised his wand and whispered, 'Episkey,' and Severus winced as he felt his nose set, the cartilage snapping back together and healing.

"Thank you," he said softly.

Harry nodded and seemed to force himself to turn away, casting his gaze upon Lupin as his face made his anger known.

"We'll talk about this later, Remus."

Lupin nodded and they both watched as Harry walked to the door, leaving quietly, defeated.

Severus deflated completely, no longer caring that he had been accosted so savagely in his own home. He left Lupin standing near his door, looking lost and confused, and headed to the bathroom. He made quick work of washing his face, wincing a bit as he rinsed over the bruises that a healing spell could not remove.

He did not look at himself in the mirror.

He pulled what he liked to refer to as his 'emergencies only' bottle of Talisker from the bottom of a dresser drawer and went back to his sitting room.

He had not expected Lupin to still be there, yet there he stood.

His face no longer looked so remorseful, but he seemed calmer than before. Severus sighed and realized that Lupin was not going to leave anytime soon, not before he'd had his say. Relenting, Severus took two glasses that rested on his bookcase to the sofa, where he sat down with none of his usual grace.

"I am not going to invite you to sit down, Lupin," he said as he poured.

Lupin sank down onto the sofa and took the drink Severus offered him, tossing it back quickly, then cradling the glass in his hands.

Severus did the same and then poured them both another. This one they sipped in silence as they stared into the fire.

"This is very good, Severus. I don't think I've ever had such good Scotch before."

"Doubtful," Severus said, choosing not to reveal that he bought only one bottle of the forty-five year old malt each year and that he planned on finishing it presently. Why he was sharing it with this man was beyond him.

They sat in silence for a few moments and sipped their drinks, both men counting down to what was coming.

"How can you stand to look at him like that?" Lupin said, finally breaking his silence. "How can you stand knowing what he's going through?" Lupin asked, still not looking at Severus.

Severus wanted nothing more than to take his Scotch back and throw the wolf out of his rooms, but he was far too tired. "I can stand it because I know the alternative is damnation... for both of us. I would not do that to him. He will find another... eventually."

"My God," Lupin whispered, shaking his head. He turned his body so he could face Severus. "And what about you, Severus? You say that you're doing this for Harry, but I know you well enough-"

"You do not know me at all," Severus snapped, turning to face Lupin as well.

"I know you well enough to know that this has gone on for far too long! When are you going to forgive yourself for things that happened damn near twenty years ago?"

Severus sneered and sipped the rest of his drink, pouring himself another. "You know nothing."

"I know that your self-hatred, your selfish clinging to the past, is doing nothing but hurting Harry. If you can't forgive yourself, then at least allow Harry to forgive you."

"Harry will be fine... in time. He is young and this is his first... entanglement. He will find another."

Lupin slammed his glass down on the side table. "There will be no other for either of you. Why would you do this to yourself, do this to him?"

"I fail to understand why you think you have the right to ask such questions!" Severus yelled, his rage at Lupin's audacity finally reaching its peak.

Lupin picked up his empty glass and grasped it tightly in his hands. "I know you don't think it, Severus, but I like to think we're friends."

"We are not friends," Severus said, his teeth clenched.

"Oh, yes," Lupin said, in a mocking tone. "Because Merlin forbid Severus Snape ever have a friend."

Severus rolled his eyes. "If you are looking for heartfelt confession and tearful breakdowns, you are looking in the wrong place."

"No, Severus," Lupin said as he chuckled. "Because Merlin forbid Severus Snape ever show any emotion other than anger, annoyance or irritation."

"Will you be quiet? I rarely imbibe alcohol, and this happens to be a very good Scotch and you are ruining it with your incessant chatter."

"No."

Severus put down his glass and leaned back into the sofa, quite exhausted all of a sudden.

"Will you stop this, Severus, please? If not for yourself, then for Harry? Be selfless and let him come to you. You must know how this is killing him-"

"More than you would know," Severus replied hastily.

"Then end this," Lupin said, gravely.

Severus looked away towards the fire, not willing to be browbeaten by any man in his own home, over his own affairs.

The silence lingered for a moment and was surprisingly comfortable, given the subject they were discussing. Severus poured both of them another drink and Lupin seemed to reassemble.

"How long are you going to continue this... life?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"This solitude you call your life, Severus. How long can it go on? Do you plan on living alone, having neither friend nor lover until you die?"

"My death is more than likely not as far off as you would think."

Lupin shook his head. "I can't believe that. I can't believe that you would enter into a life bond with Harry only to die in the war. Fate can't be that cruel."

Severus laughed bitterly. "No?"

Lupin shook his head. "I can't believe that."

Severus continued his dark, humorless laughter. "Dumbledore must not have told you the entire story, then."

Lupin frowned, but Severus would not explain himself. It was not his story to tell.

"The headmaster is insistent that it had to be this bond, that this particular bond had to be used to defeat the Dark Lord, and yet he chooses to ignore one of its main components," Severus said quietly.

"He said it wouldn't come to that. He wouldn't allow it."

Severus shrugged. "He will not have a choice in the matter. I will give Harry anything he requires to defeat the Dark Lord and live. Anything."

"Alright," Lupin said, slapping Severus' leg, earning a raised eyebrow from the man. "So you would gladly sacrifice your life so Harry could defeat Voldemort, but you have a problem with maturing the bond in the first place?"

Severus sneered and cursed Dumbledore for telling Lupin about that.

"How can you help Harry if you can barely share your power?"

"It is matured enough- Lupin, this is none of your affair!"

"You and Harry are both my friends- Oh, don't roll your eyes at me, Severus. I can call you my friend if I want to! And besides that, I happen to live in this world. I won't see it fall apart because of your selfishness."

"Ah, we finally come to the heart of the matter," Severus said, as he thought that self-protection made much more sense than Lupin's rambling about any supposed friendship.

Lupin sighed and deflated, Severus' last comment seeming to take the fight right out of him.

"Think what you'd like, Severus, but... You know, I don't think I've ever seen you happy- not once in all my years of knowing you."

"Please, Lupin, spare me your useless melodrama. I believe I've had quite enough for today."

Lupin leaned forward, putting his elbows on his legs and cradling his head in his hands.

"The bottom line is this- Harry is a good man, Severus. He would be good to you, good for you, if you'd let him. What has to happen for you to realize that? His death?"

Severus snapped his head to the other man, his fist clenched around his glass. "He will not die."

Lupin glared and said, "He might. This is a war; there are no guarantees."

Severus shook his head. "The bond-"

"Means nothing to you."

Severus wanted to protest. To say that protecting Harry meant everything, but that wasn't what Lupin was speaking of.

"I think he's angry with me," Lupin said, speaking of Harry. He looked over at looked at Severus with scorn. "I'm not sorry I hit you."

Severus chuckled darkly. "No, of course not."

Lupin stood up and placed his glass on the end table, wavering slightly as he stood. He walked over to Severus and grasped his shoulder.

For the life of him, Severus couldn't understand why he allowed it.

"You are worthy of him, Severus. I just hope you realize it before it's too late."

Lupin started to walk away, his steps slightly more steady before he turned back and took the bottle from Severus' end table.

"Going to borrow this."

Severus rolled his eyes and mourned the loss of his drink, but as he knew who it was for, he allowed the theft and turned to the fire as Lupin left.

*******************

Remus strolled carefully up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower, not quite used to drinking so much so quickly. He opened the door to his rooms and found Harry pacing the length of his hearth. Harry opened his mouth, anger clearly written on his face, but Remus held up a hand as he closed the door.

"Harry, I-"

"You shouldn't have done that, Remus!"

"I know, and I'm sorry if what I did hurt you-"

"You hurt him! And of course it hurt me! I thought he was being attacked! I didn't know what had happened and all I knew was that he was hurt and I wasn't there, and..." Harry cut himself off and began his pacing again.

"Harry, please sit down," Remus said, standing in Harry's way as he turned to pace across the room again.

"I wasn't there, Remus, and he needed me!"

"Severus is fine-"

"No, he's not! He's not fine, he's never fine. He needs me and he won't let me help him," Harry said frantically, his face twisted in fear and panic.

"Harry, listen to me," Remus said, putting his hands on Harry's shoulders. "Severus is going to be fine as long as he remains in Hogwarts. There's still time for you two. I promise, Harry," Remus said as he pulled Harry close to him in a firm embrace.

Harry allowed it and Remus felt the slight shudders that ran through Harry's body.

Damn you, Severus.

"You shouldn't have hit him," Harry said, his voice muffled by Remus' shirt.

"No, I shouldn't have hit him," Remus lied.

Harry nodded and held Remus tighter. They remained like that for a moment before Harry pulled away, seeming calmer and clear-headed once again.

Remus gestured to the chairs and they sat down, companionable silence filling the room.

"I'm not a girl, you know," Harry said suddenly.

"What?" Remus asked, confused, the alcohol still making his mind a bit hazy.

"I'm not a girl and you're not my father. You don't have to protect me or go off hitting people when... You don't have to do that. I can take care of myself, you know? I always have."

Remus smiled at Harry's concerns and took the bottle of Scotch from his pocket.

"No, I'm not your father, Harry. But I am your friend, and believe it or not, I'm Severus' friend as well."

Harry perked up at that, as though he was glad that someone was Severus' friend.

"So it was a friendly punch?" Harry said with a small smile.

Remus chuckled. "It was a 'for your own good' punch."

"Don't tell me you didn't get any satisfaction from hitting him," Harry said in joking tone.

Remus shook his head and summoned two glasses from his small kitchen.

"Have you finished your studying?"

"For the day, yeah," Harry said, watching as Remus poured two generous measures.

"Good. As I said, I'm not your father, but I am your friend. Your misery is mine, Harry."

"Thank you, Remus," Harry said, smiling sadly and accepting his glass.

"What are friends for if not... times like these?" Remus said, sipping his drink.

"Cheers," Harry said, clinking their glasses and trying not to make a face as he took too great a sip. Remus was tempted to laugh but didn't want to break the tentative peace, eager to give Harry any small happiness he could.

With great trepidation, Harry began to speak. "I'm afraid, Remus." His knuckles were white as he held his glass with both hands. He looked at Remus with eyes that had seen too little sleep and far too much worry.

"If anyone could handle Severus Snape-"

"But what if I can't? What if I'm not enough?" Harry waved his drink around and gestured to himself then downwards towards the dungeons.

"You are enough, Harry," Remus said, willing Harry to believe it.

"But what if I'm not?" Harry asked desperately, begging Remus to give him an honest answer.

Remus smiled sadly and put a hand on Harry's shoulder, giving him the truth he needed to hear. "You are."