For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 24

In somber night
an iridescent phantom floats,
rises and unfolds its wings
over the gloomy masses of humanity

Each implores
and each is filled with longing for it
but at the rosy signs of day
the phantom vanishes
only to be born anew
in every single heart

Each night it\'s born
to die at dawn

It\'s hope


-First Riddle from \'Turandot\' by Giacomo Puccini,
taken from the movie \'No one Sleeps\'-




Never in his life had he needed much time to make
decisions. His choices had always come to him fast, without doubts,
without hesitation. He was not familiar with how it felt to be
completely uncertain what to do.

But right now, probably for the first time in decades, Severus Snape was
literally torn between two completely opposite urges.

While kneeling on the stone floor in front of his own dungeon quarters for
several minutes, the Slytherin had already struggled with the
conflicting emotions that were fighting for the upper hand inside
him. He wasn\'t aware of how many times he had
already lifted his hand until now, how often he had been just about
to touch the man in front of him, and how often he had pulled
back again at the very last moment, curling his fingers into a tight
fist that had hovered only inches above the other\'s body, before he
had let it fall back to the floor once more. The wish for physical
contact with the sleeping Gryffindor before him was overwhelming,
and only a few hours ago he would not have hesitated even for the
blink of an eye to follow this urge that burned within him. But then
the events in the Great Hall had come between them, and now there
was this familiar, whispering voice in the back of his head, telling
him to be careful, not to get carried away, reminding him of the
last few hours and of how all his hopes and feelings had been crushed
within moments. The pain and disappointment caused by what had
happened had opened an old, barely healed wound, and a great part
of his instincts told him not to risk the fragile composure again that he
had been able to regain while he had taken care of his Slytherins during
the hours just past. Much too grateful for the kind of balance he had
reached by now, the fear of exposing himself to the vulnerability of hope
and longing again lurked in the back of his mind threateningly like some
wild animal, ready to attack. Still, all of his body was drawn to the
motionless form before him, yearned to touch the warmth it radiated,
wanted to feel and to hold and to caress...

The powerful confusion and frustration consuming him forced the
Slytherin’s eyes shut while he felt his throat constricting around
the bitter lump that had formed at the back of his trachea, and only
his tightly closed mouth kept the groan that was rising within him
from escaping. But there was also a small degree of certainty he
could sense growing somewhere in his chest, the first beginnings of
a decision being born. And only a moment later, when his choice had
at last been made, Severus slid from his kneeling position to sit
back on his heels. Fiercely biting his lower lip and silently
regarding the sleeping man on the floor for one more moment, the
Slytherin rose to his feet with one fluid movement before, after
having drawn a deep breath, he finally spoke.

\'Remus.\'

His voice had been calm and rather low, not at all reflecting the boiling
emotions swirling inside him. Severus was not surprised in the least,
though, when he saw the werewolf stir almost immediately after this
one word had been uttered. Taking a single step back from the
Gryffindor, he steeled himself against the powerful feelings that he
knew meeting Remus\'s now slowly opening eyes would evoke, and
waited.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fighting the disorientation that reached for him as soon as he woke,
the Gryffindor clung to the sound of the voice that had dragged him
from his sleep and that was the only familiar aspect of the strange
situation he found himself in, having fallen asleep on the floor of
the dark, moist dungeons as he had done. It took a few seconds
before his memory began to re-emerge from the foggy depths of
slumber at last, but a short moment later, he finally, actually realized
where he was and why.

And who was with him. Right in front of him, towering above his
sitting form, facing him in complete silence with dark eyes that
glittered with reticence in the flickering torch light...

Without any warning at all, the signature of a very well known
personal energy field washed over the werewolf with a force that
made the Gryffindor gasp in surprise. It was the structure of an aura he
had almost forgotten had ever existed, and most certainly one he had
not dared hope ever to experience again in his life. The Ritual
had distorted and perverted so very much of Severus\'s being, and it
had done so in such a profound and complete way, that being exposed
now to the true, unstained essence that had always been Severus
Snape hit the werewolf almost physically. Remus literally sucked in
all he could feel emanating from the other man, and his heart swelled
with a most complex mixture of powerful emotions that he could neither
tell apart nor name. Right that moment, it didn\'t matter that a great deal
of Severus\'s aura reflected a degree of restraint and refusal he thought
they had left behind for good. It didn\'t matter that those eyes glittered with
the old, familiar coldness, that those features were closed and unmoving
to a degree they hadn\'t been in the months of friendship and trust they
had shared. The only important thing was that all of the emotional
signature of the Severus Snape he once had known had been restored.
All that once had defined the former spy, before he had handed his body
over to Voldemort, pulsated from the other man in powerful waves again,
and this overwhelming proof of the Ritual having been broken made
Remus forget about the reserve that hung between them. There was
absolutely no way he could have held back the genuine smile he felt
dawning on his own face.

Not that this would have melted the mask of coldness he was facing.
Not in the slightest. There was no change at all in the basic aspect of
refusal permeating the Slytherin\'s aura, and even though Remus was
very aware that he was facing a powerful Occlumens here, he still
knew that from him, Severus would not have been able to hide changes
in his fundamental feelings - should they have occurred. Unable to
ignore the first traces of fear that wound their way up from the centre of
his stomach, Remus felt his heart sink. He had expected, had known,
that all that had happened this night after Voldemort’s defeat would
have affected the man he loved, and not in a positive way at that, but
most obviously he had still underestimated how the last hours\' events
had harmed the Slytherin\'s emotional composure. Knowing that he
himself had done his share in not being there for him when Severus
might have needed him most, the small spark of biting guilt that had
been burning within the werewolf for some hours now flared up full
force that very moment and became a flame that grew more powerful
with every second the two of them were facing each other in the dense,
sticky silence that surrounded them. A silence that Remus knew he
had to break were they ever to move on from the painful coldness that
was their here and now.

\'Merlin, it is so very good to see you, Severus. I\'ve been worried,
really - I\'ve been searching the castle for you for hours...\'

Even as he spoke those words, lightly and without any reproach at
all, the Gryffindor mentally slapped himself. He had meant this to be
an assurance that he had cared, that he had not spent his time
celebrating and forgetting about the Slytherin like most of the others,
but from the change in Severus\'s features that had grown even
harder than they were before, he realised that his comment had been
perceived all wrong. And the sharp, icy response he got confirmed that
immediately.

\'There are still some things in my life important enough to most
unfortunately keep me from being unrestrictedly at your disposal.\'
Severus\'s voice grew lower until it wasn\'t more than a snarl, and
with a definitely dangerous undertone at that. \'I can\'t begin to tell
you how sorry I am that tonight of all nights, one of those things
required my undivided attention.\'

Remus’s mouth had gone dry during the Slytherin\'s short speech. He
had almost forgotten how it felt to be at the receiving end of the other\'s
searing sarcasm, and the fact that he felt so very much for that man
doubled the pain each syllable drove into him. He absentmindedly
noticed himself shaking his head, helplessly, unable to remember which
part of him had decided to do so and when. His eyes were glued to the
black, hard glance that shot at him from the face by the opposite
wall of the corridor, searching for at least a trace, a spark of the
warmth and affection that had burned there for him only a few hours
ago.

In vain. Nothing.

The other man\'s voice, edged with cold indifference, once more slammed
into Remus\'s growing despair with merciless force.

\'If it doesn\'t interfere with your further plans for the night, I\'d
be very grateful if you allowed me to retire to my rooms now. It\'s
been a rather hard day for me. And an even harder night, if I may
add.\'

Remus couldn\'t recall ever having been frozen in place as
completely as he was right now, by nothing but the pure venom that
dripped from a few words, along with the absolute rejection they
carried. Not a muscle of his body worked anymore, and his brain
seemed to have been paralyzed with shock. Only his heart, his heart
was still there, still feeling, was sending wave after wave of
burning hurt and painful disbelief through each fibre of the
Gryffindor\'s motionless body. There was nothing he could think of
to say, nothing he was able to decide to do. All he could imagine
managing was to look, stare, silently stare as Severus
slowly approached, as he passed him, as he lowered the wards
to his quarters, spelled the door open, and was about to step
through...

He would never find out what finally made him snap out of this
trance of pain and find his voice again, but whatever it
was, it interfered just in time. Just before the heavy, closing
door would have torn down the last bridge left by which he might
possibly still cross the chasm so violently torn between him and
the former spy.

\'Please tell me we\'ll try and sort this out later. Tell me you\'ll
give me a chance to explain.\' Remus didn\'t care at all to make even
the slightest attempt of controlling the trembling of his voice.
\'Please tell me this is not how things will be between us from now
on, Severus!\'

And then, the world stopped.

Some one must have cast an Immobilus-hex. The door ceased
moving, stood half open now and revealed the motionless form of
Severus\'s tall, slim body, a black silhouette that even seemed to
attract and swallow the darkness of the Slytherin’s unlit rooms.
There was no lifting of his shoulders that would indicate breathing,
not the smallest twitching of a single muscle, no shifting of weight
from one foot to the other. Remus wasn\'t even sure whether his words
had crossed the distance between him and the former spy, or if they
had frozen in midair as well, just as everything else seemed to have
ceased moving. Even the dungeons\' air seemed to have halted its
moist, vibrating breathing, just as the werewolf had.

If he was completely honest, he hadn\'t expected Severus to answer.
He had hoped for a reaction, desperately so, but when the other
man actually began to speak, the sound made the werewolf start
slightly. In the perfect, motionless silence between them, the
Slytherin\'s words seemed to drop to the ground right after having
left his mouth, immediately smashing to pieces there.

\'Now, isn\'t that most interesting.\' Still not moving at all, the
Slytherin kept his back to Remus, but continued speaking. \'Here I was
under the impression that it was definitely not me who had re-defined
the guidelines of...how things will be between us from now on. What
you are dealing with here are my feeble attempts to adapt to those
new standards that were set by no one other than you.\'

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There was not a single part of him that felt capable of the demanding
discussion he knew was about to come, for diving into those
conflicting, chaotic emotions that were all that was left of what
once had been their relationship, whatever its nature might have
been. He knew he should not let the werewolf get to him, neither
with those eyes shining with pain and confusion, nor with the frantic
plea with which Remus\'s last exclamation had vibrated. Exhaustion, bitter
hurt, disappointment and rage were calling him into his quarters,
luring him further into the familiar darkness of solitude along with the
tempting prospect of being able to violate the Gryffindor\'s feelings
by this retreat, just as the other had made him suffer earlier that
night. Severus knew how good that would feel, was too well acquainted
with the sweetness of revenge not to be more than aware of the temporary
relief it would bring. Still, he had let himself be held back by
the werewolf\'s obvious misery - and by that small light of hope as
well, which was still flickering somewhere inside him. With this most
ridiculous, annoying insistence that only hope could come up with.

The sound of his last words had already faded for some seconds now,
and still all he could hear in response was dark, perfect silence,
indicating that the Gryffindor had not moved at all but must still be
standing somewhere beside the door. He knew that all it would take to
confirm that was to turn around, nothing more than a small movement of
his head, but the Slytherin was not able to bring himself to face
the other man. Deciding that not having slammed the door in the
Gryffindor\'s face had been enough of a concession, Severus made up
his mind to give the Gryffindor ten more seconds to make the next move.
Still not deigning to look at the other man, he silently started to
count.

He had got as far as seven when Remus low voice rang out again.

\'Nothing I did tonight was meant to indicate that I\'d like to change
anything between us or to hurt you in any way. If I did so nonetheless,
I\'m deeply, truly sorry and...\'

Nothing in Severus\'s words betrayed the blazing rage that had flared
up inside him on the werewolf\'s last sentence and burned all remnants
of hope to ashes within a split-second. The hard, piercing coldness
the Slytherin interrupted the werewolf with was, instead, as clear and
crystalline as ice, and even though he hadn\'t raised his voice at all,
the other man was silenced immediately.

\'Don\'t you dare giving me that, Lupin.\' Severus could actually feel
the werewolf wince at the use of this form of address which should
have belonged to the past and probably revealed more of the deep abyss
that had opened between them than anything else Severus could have
said ever would. \'I know those little speeches by heart, and I\'m so
very sick of every single insignificant word, so do spare me your
obligatory apologies. I also happily forgo the chance to hear the part
were you tell me about how well you know how I must have felt and how
desperately you wish to be able to take back the pain you caused. The
occasions I have been honoured with worthless babbling like this are
countless by now, and to be honest I had thought you capable of doing
much better than that.\'

When Severus finally turned his head to where he had heard the to
Gryffindor\'s words come from earlier, he knew that his eyes glittered
with the same merciless frost that had already been icing his words.
Letting his chilling gaze bore into the confused and shocked one of
the other man, he began to speak for what he thought to be the last
time in this pathetic little drama.

\'Obviously I was wrong.\'

It was only a single movement, to turn away from the dawning
pain on the Gryffindor\'s face, to step into his rooms, to reach
for the door again to close it. And had Severus not been taken
completely by surprise by an astonishingly strong hand which had
already grabbed for the door from the other side, the conversation
would indeed have come to an end there.

But instead, the Slytherin felt himself being pushed into the room as the
entrance to his quarters was forced open again, and when he had
regained his momentarily lost balance, Severus found himself facing
a rather rapidly breathing werewolf who stood in the door-frame, not
moving at all. But fixing him with a glare that would have been a
match for any of Severus\'s own glowers.

\'I haven’t finished yet, Severus.\'

Had the Slytherin been concealing his anger behind an impenetrable
layer of ice earlier, the werewolf didn\'t even try to hide his own
now. A distant part of Severus\'s brain told him that he had never
experienced the other man shaking with fury like that before. The
rage that screamed from the Gryffindor\'s eyes had darkened their
usually warmly shining gaze, and there was a hard expression about
his mouth that the Slytherin could not recall ever having seen there.
Not that any of that or the completely un-Lupinlike harsh words
impressed Severus in any way. It was only plain information concerning
the person opposite him, something he filed away in his head, something
that did nothing more than trigger the familiar cascade of self-defensive
reflexes that always kicked in so readily in situations like that. Had
done so ever since he was a student at this school himself. Reflexes a
certain Gryffindor had gradually taught him to control over the past months.
And only a few hours ago, he had thought that particular tutor worthy of
fighting and defeating those destructive effects of his past for good.

Well, he didn\'t think so now. Not any more. And certainly not with
the werewolf taking the first uninvited step into his rooms.

Banning any emotion that might get in his way from his
consciousness, Severus noticed to his own satisfaction how the
coldness he had felt before grew even more intense, how the fury
the other man confronted him with bounced off his defences without
affecting him at all. The sound of his next words would have chilled
a Dementor, and he knew it.

\'Lupin, I couldn\'t care less.\'

The werewolf had the nerve to approach Severus even further.

\'Whether you care to or not, you will hear me out. There\'s no
way I\'ll be fobbed off like that, least of all when there\'s so much
at stake.\'

Severus let the cruel smile he felt tugging at his mouth spread
over his face.

\'Now I\'m actually touched, Lupin. Finally growing aware that there
are consequences to our actions, yes? Suddenly afraid of losing
something, are we? And truly thinking that there\'s anything you
could say to change anything about that?\' The Slytherin switched
off his smile just as abruptly as it had appeared. \'Think again.\'

It was absolutely impossible to miss the change in the Gryffindor\'s
demeanour. Something had snapped inside that head, Severus could
tell from the explosion of emotion in the other man\'s eyes, from
the expression of sheer exasperation that crept over those features,
from the constantly rising note in the werewolf\'s voice.

\'So you don\'t want explanations, great! You even think you\'re above
my apologies, fine with me! But then, what is it that you want?
What could I do that would be convincing enough for you to accept
my attempts to make this right again? What besides my genuine
assurance of not having wanted to hurt you and my heartfelt regret
that I did nonetheless do you expect from me, Severus? What is
it you had thought me being capable of, what?\' The Gryffindor was
shouting by now. \'In Merlin\'s name, what??\'

Maybe it was because Lupin had lost it completely himself, maybe it
was the fact that unbelievably, finally, someone had actually asked
the very question to which the answer had been burning within the
core of Severus\'s being for decades now. Whatever the reason might
have been, the Slytherin was overwhelmed by the sudden eruption that
took place inside him now, that melted through the harsh ice that had
reflexively grown to protectively coat his emotions so far, and that
now gloriously broke through to be voiced at last after having been
caged in for years and years. Severus couldn\'t help but be swept
away by this most powerful force that didn\'t allow any resistance at
all. The words were crashing through despite his better rational
knowledge, forming sentences on their own, taking him over completely.

\'Definitely not belated declarations of regret or alleged feelings
after things have already gone wrong, but for you to act upon those
emotions you claim to feel before! Ensuing apologies will never
correct anything, they can never take back the pain, they only show
that the person you\'ve hurt has not been relevant enough! Not relevant
enough in that very decisive moment to make you care, to make you stop
and not commit the violation you have caused!\' Severus had no idea
that he was now yelling at the Gryffindor himself. All there was, was
this flood of words that forced its way out of his mouth. \'How is
anyone ever supposed to believe those assurances of care and emotions,
or those infamous \'I never wanted to hurt you’s’ when the only reason
they are ever voiced is to alleviate inflicted pain?\'

He had to stop to take a deep breath, as well as to regain a little
control again. Letting himself go like this was neither something
Severus was used to, nor a state of mind he preferred to
maintain. Closing his eyes and very deliberately bringing all of the
abilities of the excellent Occlumens that he was to bear, the Slytherin
struggled for the iron grip he usually had on the emotional part of
his being. Only the werewolf didn\'t give him more than a few
seconds at most before his whispering voice effectively shook
Severus from his desperate attempts.

\'Does that mean you don\'t believe my feelings for you, Severus?\'

The Slytherin could feel how the familiar bitter expression took
over his features, something that had not happened in weeks when he\'d
been in the company of the werewolf. A small fraction of his mind
realized with wonder that it hurt to be back on a level where the
Gryffindor triggered the same reflexes and reactions as almost anyone
else who was part of his life did. But the greater part of him was
still concentrating on regaining self-control. He had now opened his
eyes again, though, to be greeted with a calm glance from the other
wizard. Still, the carefully guarded fear, an expression that clearly
told about how the werewolf had prepared himself for any answer he
might get to his question, was distinctly written all over the
Gryffindor\'s face.

It was strange to realize how all the vigour and passion which
had just forced all those words that Severus had never intended to
let anyone hear out of his mouth had dried up so completely. All he
felt now was an overwhelming tiredness that crept through his
entire body with alarming speed, and he knew that his answer to the
werewolf\'s last question would be coloured by that abysmal exhaustion
as well.

\'How should I if I don\'t ever see you acting upon them?\'



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A heavy weight had descended onto Remus\'s chest a few minutes ago
and hadn\'t let go of him since. His head was spinning, the Slytherin\'s
words were swirling through his mind and heart and slowly, gradually,
realization and understanding took root somewhere inside him. It was
difficult to tell which hurt more, the dawning awareness of what his
actions had done to the man he loved and their relationship as well,
or the fact that Severus seemed to have already taken the measures
he thought appropriate. There was no way Remus could have missed
how the Slytherin\'s mask of abject coldness that he hadn\'t confronted
the werewolf with in months was now firmly back in place, or how his
eyes had turned into those hard, emotionless mirrors of black glass
again that the Gryffindor hadn\'t looked into for just as long. His entire
being ached with fear for what might have been destroyed by what had
come to his attention much too late.

But what drove him to despair even more was the irreversibility
Severus\'s argument had implied. If all his declarations, all
his apologies meant nothing to the Slytherin, nothing at all, if
it was only his actions that were of significance to the other man,
then how should he ever be able to prove to Severus that his feelings
were nothing other than as profound and genuine as they only could be?

He was defeated. Crushingly. Utterly. Defeated despite, no, because
of the urgent need that had led him here with the firm intention to
correct what had gone wrong earlier. Defeated by the simple fact that
there was no point in refuting the Slytherin\'s accusations. Now that
he had not acted accordingly in a situation concerning which he
shouldn\'t even have had to think twice to know that Severus had been
the one who needed him, how could any words or confessions that
could possibly come to him make up for what he had unforgivably
missed?

Had he acted on what he had known he felt, on what he had known to
be true back there in the Great Hall, and not on what the situation
seemed to have dictated...

Remus felt a fierce howl of fear, pain and despair rise in the back
of his throat, one that never left his lips, though. Instead, the
first foggy idea of the only way to proceed from here began to form
in his mind and rapidly took clearer shapes. After all Severus had
been telling him, after all he had been realizing himself during
those past minutes, there was in fact only one thing left for him to
do. Summoning up all his courage, the werewolf held the Slytherin’s
gaze, which had become dull with complete exhaustion by now, and
began to speak again, his voice as calm and low as he was able to
manage.

\'Tonight, I\'ve made a horrible mistake, and I don\'t know whether
it\'s more unpardonable that I actually made it or that I didn\'t even
notice what I was doing.\' The Gryffindor suppressed the urge to
swallow hard in the face of the completely rigid features he was
talking to. \'I do know, though, that there is one thing not only
you wouldn\'t accept any apology for, but which I would not be able
to forgive myself for the rest of my life as well: If I made that
same mistake once more.\'

Not the slightest twitch in that face of stone. Not a minimal
emotional flicker in those weary eyes. Nothing that could possibly
given away what was going on behind that black, unblinking
glower that still, for all the tiredness clouding it, drilled into
the werewolf\'s own gaze.

Despite the slowly forming lump in his completely dry throat, Remus
forced himself to go on.

\'I did not act upon my feelings tonight in the Great Hall. Had I
done so, I would not have ended up with Harry in my arms, but you.
All I wanted to do back then, what I yearned for with my entire
being was touching you, holding you, being held by you in return.
And nothing, nothing should have kept me from doing what I knew
was right and true. Still, I did not follow my feelings. I let my
choice be taken away from me, and I did not realize that what
to me seemed to be nothing more but a delay of what I actually
wanted then meant a severe emotional violation to you - and since
I don\'t think this will be something I will be able to completely
forgive myself now that I know, I don\'t even dare hope you ever
will.\'

Holding that dark glare became almost unbearable.

\'It\'s true that I\'m not able to change anything about that now, even
though it tears my heart apart being aware of it as I am. Still, I
also know that my feelings from earlier tonight have not changed.\'
The Gryffindor felt something in his heart freeze under the icy
scrutiny he still found himself under. Looking into those cold,
unblinking eyes was all it took to make Remus realize that the
distance between them could hardly become more pronounced or painful,
but even though this awareness hurt like only few other things in his
life had, it somehow also filled him with the last bit of courage he
needed. He had already destroyed so very much of what had grown
between them that from here, there was nothing to lose anymore, only
to gain. Surprised at the sudden firmness that carried his voice, he
spoke the last sentences of what he knew was probably one of the last
personal conversations he would ever have with this man.

\'And since I will not be guilty of the same horrid lapse twice in my
life, this time, now, nothing and no one will detain me from acting
upon my feelings.\'

Those last words hadn\'t completely left his mouth when Remus was
already on his way to swiftly close the space that was still between
them. With some distant part of his mind marvelling at the other\'s
impressively unmoving features that didn\'t betray even the slightest
flicker of surprise at the sudden intrusion of his private space,
the Gryffindor threw all cautions to the wind, and, with the
determination of a Slytherin, took the narrow face before him in
both of his hands to let his mouth find its way to the hard line
of lips before him.

Severus\'s face might have looked like it was chiselled from cold
stone, but that was not what it felt like at all. The flesh and skin
beneath Remus\'s hands and lips were soft, smooth, felt so alive
that the Gryffindor could almost perceive how the Slytherin\'s blood
ran through the vessels beneath his fingers. The powerful sensation of
tangible warmth and vividness from where a glance had promised nothing
but cold-blooded, piercing rejection was overwhelming, stunning, was
inviting beyond description. The werewolf could hear the thunder of
his heart echoing within his head, felt golden heat spreading from his
mouth and hands through his entire body as the overpowering realization
of finally, actually touching the man he loved gradually sank in. There
wasn\'t a part of him that didn’t sing with ecstasy as he gently,
carefully let his lips move against Severus\'s in the shy attempt to
coax a response from that unbelievably soft mouth beneath his that
still didn\'t so much as twitch. It was this complete unresponsiveness
that somewhat dragged Remus back to reality, that set all those
suppressed fears from before free again, and brought the first tiny
traces of gradually growing anxiety within his heart to life again.

Desperately delaying the inevitable, not ready, not sure whether he
would be able to deal with the Slytherin\'s reaction, the werewolf
broke the one-sided kiss he had initiated, fear slowly freezing his
insides. Still, he knew that he had started this, he
had gotten them into this muddled, hopeless situation, and it would also
be he who at least had to try to bring this to an end as well. Not
taking his hands off the Slytherin\'s face, Remus felt his eyes closing
of their own accord. Utterly unable to completely break the bliss of
physical contact yet, he let his brow come to rest against the face of
the other man instead. From somewhere deep inside, the urge to speak
came to the fore.

\'And you? What is it you are feeling right now, Severus?\'

His whispered words were quivering between them like hot air over dry
desert sand. Had Remus had the courage to look at the Slytherin\'s
face, he would have noticed that the other man\'s eyes had closed by
now as well, that the kiss had left those thin lips slightly parted,
and that there no longer seemed to be any blood left at all in the narrow
face which never showed much colour anyway.

But the werewolf did not dare look up. With his heart still sending
its mad pounding echoing through his entire body, Remus breathlessly
waited, praying for a reply. The ongoing silence tore at his nerves
until they were impatiently singing like bowstrings before the deadly
arrow is sent. And still, Severus didn\'t so much as twitch, remained
as silent and unmoving as the stone he seemed to be made of. A strange
void began to nest behind Remus\'s solar plexus and spread rampantly
within his body, swallowing the fear from before and the remnants of
bliss that had been there even earlier. The numb vacuum grew with each
split second that went by without a word from the other wizard, with
every moment Remus felt nothing but warm skin and motionless muscle
beneath his hands. It became harder and harder to be so directly exposed
to that rejection incarnate that was this refusingly stiff body, and
Remus was sure that he would not be able to subject his ears to the
soundless screaming of the ongoing lack of sound and words very much
longer. It hurt too much to feel the Slytherin without being touched, to
listen to him without being spoken to, to open up to him without being
let in. The werewolf knew he would soon have to draw back his hands from
the other man\'s face where rigidity was burning his fingers, he would
have to start speaking himself again, and should it be his admission of
defeat and surrender, to redeem his senses from the unbearable silence,
and the sadness in the face of the final acceptance of having lost
everything they should have shared was just another piercing sort of
pain...

A sudden, cryptic sensation floated through the Gryffindor\'s perception.
And then again. But only when he felt it for the third time, did it
startle him from his dark musings and fears with a powerful jolt.

Violent shivers were running through the man before him. The slender
frame was trembling with a force that even made the head Remus still
held between his hands quiver, and then the uneven hiss of a shaking
breath battled its way through the thick silence, the first sound
the werewolf had been able to perceive from the other man in minutes.

And then he felt it.

The sudden, very short breath of a touch on the back of his right hand.
It could have been the falling feather of an owl brushing against his
skin, so soft and brief had this contact been, but the Gryffindor knew
it had been the hesitant, cautious fingertips of a man of flesh and
blood, even though he still did not dare open his eyes, now less
than ever. This one sensation had felt so indescribably good, no matter
how short it might have been, and the yearning to feel again that which
had been planted within him the moment the contact had been made grew
stronger with each fluttering beat of his heart. His body ached for it,
as did his mind, his heart, his entire being, and he knew he would not
be able to stand this lack of touch any longer, needed those fingers
back on his, was sure he would go mad any moment...

But then it was back, just as guarded and shy in the beginning as it
had been before, only the slightest trace of warm skin that trembled
against both of Remus\'s hands this time. The Gryffindor did not realize
the shiver that was running through his own body when those hints of a
touch gradually intensified. The precious weight against his skin grew,
became warmer, more solid, more real, and finally, finally, the
Slytherin\'s palms were slowly sinking down to cover Remus\'s hands
entirely.

The werewolf\'s eyes flew open. The darkness of the glance that met his
was still edged with caution, but there were emotions boiling now as
well, at last. There was brilliantly shining hope, the dullness of
disbelief, quivering uncertainty, and the powerful gleam of
determination, but most of all there was warmth, softly glowing warmth,
along with...

While Remus was still completely absorbed by and pondered on that
eloquent black gaze, the Slytherin finally answered the Gryffindor\'s
last question. Leaning slightly forward, he gave back the soft kiss he
had been presented with earlier.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Severus was growing dizzy from the fast, profound changes the events
plunged his emotional condition into. The werewolf\'s touch had broken
through the icy walls he always so easily retreated behind with a power
that had been frightening in its irresistible force. Still, his first
shock at the contact with the Gryffindor\'s hands had almost immediately
been replaced by fierce repulsion and aversion rooted in the deep
fear the Dark Lord\'s touches had planted within him ever since he had
taken over the Slytherin\'s body for good. The panic that had flooded
Severus\'s with horrible speed after the werewolf\'s touch had sunk its
fangs into heart, soul and mind, had begun to strangle him, had cut too
deep, had been about to bleed him out, to paralyze every single muscle,
to deaden each and every nerve of his...

But then, everything had changed. Then, something had happened Voldemort
had never done. Then, Remus had kissed him.

And with it came confusion. Chaos. The gentle caress of warm flesh that
had been soft as stroking water against his lips had shaken him up and down
to the core. Gone were terror and fear, drowned by the tenderness that
had washed over his mouth and trickled over his skin. Something that
had been buried deep underneath the heap of emotional rubble within
him had stirred then, seemed to have only waited for those drops of
vital moisture that were all it needed to finally begin to thrive again.
Its struggle through the decayed remains of his soul on its way to his
heart had made the ruin of his body tremble, and Severus had felt how
it grew stronger, how it blossomed more and more the closer it got to
its destination.

The bright light his heart seemed to explode with when it had finally
been ignited with whatever force it had been that had risen from beneath
the debris of the Slytherin’s being had banished every shadow from his
soul, all of the doubts, the fears and the horror. And quivering with
the clear, warm brightness that had appeared to have inflamed him with
hope and confidence and certainty, Severus, at last, had been able to
touch the other man.

And right now, he was kissing him.

Their mouths stroking and moving against one another, their tentative
tongues which made their ways into the other’s warm, moist cavity
almost shyly, the sensation of his hands covering those of Remus
which were still cradling his face was the most exquisite sensation he
had been allowed to feel in years. Severus wanted to merge in the
Gryffindor\'s presence, to be taken up completely in the contact they
shared and in the caress he had never expected to experience.
After the cold emptiness, panic, terror and finally profound confusion
that had taken hold of him since the werewolf had entered his rooms,
what the Slytherin felt now was nothing but sheer bliss.

Even when the slowing down of the other man\'s motions and the gradual
decrease of the pressure the Gryffindor’s lips were exerting announced
the end of the coupling of their mouths, the flaring happiness
Severus knew his inside was glowing with did not diminish a bit in its
intensity or brightness. And when the kiss finally broke in the
gentlest way imaginable, when the werewolf\'s eyes opened to
meet his own dawning gaze, blazing with something the Slytherin didn\'t
even dare to name, Severus knew this as one of the few turning points
of his life, and also as a moment he would never forget .

Still completely spellbound by the immense significance of what had
just happened, Severus felt how the fingers beneath his own were
moving, tenderly caressing his cheekbones, and how he himself had also
begun to trace the hard sinews that were shifting under the skin of
the werewolf\'s stroking hands. Their eyes were still locked as their
lips had been before, and the Slytherin could see how Remus obviously
seemed to struggle for his voice or for the right words. Severus was
almost grateful that it took the other man a few moments before he
was finally able to speak. He needed a little more time to
undisturbedly spend with those powerful emotions that had come over
him so forcefully, which was not something he was exactly used to dealing
with.

And the words Remus finally whispered didn\'t help him much with
that either.

\'I\'m sorry.\'

Severus knew that his trademark frown must have immediately
returned to his face on that, because the werewolf hastily continued
speaking, as if he didn\'t want to give the former spy the slightest
chance to voice any questions or objections.

\'I had no right to more or less assault you as I did, Severus. I never
meant to act as if...\'

The shaky voice trailed off, but the Slytherin understood at once
anyway.

\'You didn\'t.\'

He had tried to lay as much seriousness and finality into his words as
possible, still Severus knew, even as he spoke, that Remus would not
be convinced that easily. And the Gryffindor did not lose any time to
prove him right.

\'Severus, I was able to feel your initial rejection and this rejection
was fed by horror and by most powerful fear. And the fact that you
managed to defeat it doesn\'t change anything about that.\' The Slytherin
saw despair dawn in the werewolf\'s eyes. \'It seems like tonight, I\'m
making one unforgivable mistake after another...\'

Severus felt the muscles of his jaw tighten. There was no way he would
allow either himself or Remus to compare his actions to those of
Voldemort on any level. Very aware of the fact that some part of his
own unconscious still needed to be convinced of that as much as the
werewolf apparently did, the Slytherin let his fingers curl around the
other man\'s hands which still rested on his face and gave them a light
but clearly noticeable squeeze to emphasize his next words.

\'Believe me, I am rather familiar with how it feels to be assaulted
in the way you were talking about just now. My experiences in that field
are quite extensive, and rest assured, I would definitely notice if
anybody approached me like that ever again. So when I tell you that you
did not, please don\'t offend my perception, that was acquired in the
hardest way, by deciding yourself what I felt and what I didn\'t.\'

Even though he had kept any causticity out of his voice, had even
managed to speak in a tone that, with Severus, could only be taken for
soft and gentle, the Slytherin knew that the content of his words alone
would be enough to violate the other man\'s feelings. With slow strokes
along the Gryffindor\'s hands Severus tried to take the sting out of
what he just had said, seizing the opportunity the short moments of
silence gave him to take a closer look at his still rampaging emotions.

He could not deny that Remus had a point. The cold panic which had so
rapidly made his blood freeze and his insides recoil like an alarmed
snake as soon as he had felt the Gryffindor\'s hands on his face was
something he remembered very well. The Dark Lord\'s touches had left
their marks, and how could it have been otherwise. Still, there was also
the glorious waterfall of tenderness that had sprung from the centre of
his being at the werewolf\'s kiss and that had filled him with a gentle
force so insistent and firm that there had been no room for anything
else anymore. He could still hear the echo of the soft hum his body had
vibrated with, feel the uncontrollable trembling that had seized him,
the warmth that had spread within him, that had reached as far as his
fingertips, how he had handed himself over completely to those
heartbreaking sensations and how good it had felt to open up and give
in like that...

Refocusing on the Gryffindor who still remained silent, Severus could
see that the other man wasn\'t convinced at all. Doubt was written
clearly all over his face, and with a pang Severus noticed the slight
trace of pain that mingled with the guilt in the other\'s eyes. When the
werewolf spoke now, both were reflected in his voice.

\'But the thing is that I know what you felt, Severus. And I know that
it was me who triggered those feelings in you...\'

\'Listen to me, Remus.\'

Sharper than he had planned, the Slytherin heard his words cut the
werewolf off. He brought their still entwined hands down from his face
and between them, pulling the other man a little closer in the process.
Letting his eyes drill deep into those of the Gryffindor, Severus
loaded his words with vividness as if he wanted to hammer each letter
into the other\'s head.

\'I will not deny that my first reaction to your touch was anything but
pleasant, and I don\'t think it\'s necessary to elaborate what situations
it reminded me of. My body reacted as it has been conditioned to over
the past years, but you know best yourself that your intentions in
that situation were completely different from what the Dark Lord\'s
would have been - and were. The same reflex can sometimes result from
two completely different triggers.\'

A very calm and almost quiet tone replaced the Slytherin\'s previously
forceful voice.

\'And most certainly you also noticed what it was I felt after that
first panic, didn\'t you?\'

Something in Remus\'s eyes that had so far been clouded with misgivings
lit up. The warm smile that slowly lifted the corners of the Gryffindor\'s
mouth burned right down to Severus\'s heart, and it took all of his self-control
not to give in to the sudden overwhelming need to pull the werewolf into his
arms. He confined himself instead to closely watching how the smile on the
other\'s face grew deeper with every moment until it had expanded to those
expressive eyes as well. With all his strength of mind, Severus tried to
brand this very sight and scene into his memory: Remus being so very
close, smiling in that soul-shaking way for and because of him, their
hands still clasping each other...he didn\'t allow himself to trust this
powerful feeling yet that wanted to make him believe that not only
everything was as it had been before that damn moment when Potter
had stolen their reunion a few hours ago, but that things between them
had even grown deeper than he had ever dared to dream they would.
So far, his life had not exactly given him reasons to rely on those short
moments of happiness. Not that there had been many anyway...

\'Severus?\'

The werewolf\'s question gently pulled him out of his contemplation.
The other man\'s gaze were still observing him, still gleaming with
that warm shine that made breathing so very difficult.

\'Where have you been right now, hmm?\'

Exhaling on a very long breath, the Slytherin closed his eyes for a
second. It was still an effort for him, even after all those months
of closeness with the Gryffindor, to reveal his deepest thoughts and
feelings, and especially his fears. But this was Remus, after all,
this was the man he loved, the man he had shared so much with already,
the man he had just kissed. One of the few people that deserved at
least the attempt of an honest answer.

\'I\'ve been nowhere, just...I...I\'ve been visited instead. By some
very close acquaintances that already...that come to see me rather
frequently. By anxiety and...and fear. Forebodings. The experience
that nothing I value lasts but is gone again before I even had the
time to realize its presence.\'

The silence that followed his words seemed to stretch infinitely. He
knew that only a few seconds could have passed before he finally
heard Remus\'s voice again, but his mind had long specialized in
immediately preparing him for the worst scenarios possible according
to the situation, and in an extremely short time at that. So before
the werewolf began to speak, Severus had already run through most of
the reactions he thought the Gryffindor capable of. Most of them. So
when the other wizard neither ridiculed his fears nor patronized him,
but simply stepped even closer to Severus instead until their thighs
and hips met at last, he took the former spy completely by surprise.

\'But you will see that I\'m not going anywhere, Severus.\'

This time closing his eyes for good, Severus felt how one of
his hands was lifted and a very soft kiss was placed on the knuckles
of his fingers. The Gryffindor\'s voice reached his ears again.

\'And if you let me, I\'ll also make sure you will realize my presence.\'

His other hand was kissed just as gently and carefully.

\'And I need to feel yours so very much as well.\'

At that last sentence, which had not been more than a soundless
whisper, the Slytherin managed to open his eyes again.

There was not the slightest trace of mischief written over the
other\'s features or in his glance. All Severus was greeted with
instead was profound, open honesty and seriousness as well as
something else that went even deeper, was purer still. And it was this
emotion that the werewolf\'s entire body seemed to shine with that
made Severus take the final step over the boundaries of caution and
mistrust that had most reliably protected him from too severe a
violation for decades.

Slowly letting go of one of the Gryffindor\'s hands, Severus lifted his
fingers up to the face before him that was so familiar. The skin felt
delicately soft under his touch as he traced a line from temple to chin,
following a path only he was able to see. The Slytherin marvelled at the
slight tremble of the werewolf\'s lips as they opened to let a shaky sigh
escape while the Gryffindor\'s eyelids fluttered shut. Not wanting to
destroy this most precious moment, but knowing he needed to say one thing
more, one last thing, Severus managed to tear his glance away from the
alluring sight the other\'s mouth was.

\'Remus, I\'m not sure whether I will be struck by any of those...reflexes
again - and if so, what might cause them...\'

The Gryffindor\'s eyes opened to catch his own gaze once more.

\'It\'s only you who defines where this begins, where it goes, and where
it will end, Severus.\'

For one more moment their glances held on to each other, before
Severus realized his hand had slid to the back of the Gryffindor\'s
head to bury itself in the greying shock of hair it found there.
Feeling how Remus\'s hips pressed closer to his own in response, the
former spy closed the little distance that had been left between their
faces to finally initiate their third kiss of the evening.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remus could not recall which of them had had the presence of mind to
spell the door shut or to magically light the two candles that were
now burning on the mantelpiece of the large fireplace. It was not
that he would have cared at all anyway. Not with his mind and body
ablaze with the emotions and sensations the physical closeness to
the Slytherin unleashed within him. Not with him having lost any
sense of space, and of time. Hours, minutes, seconds could not have
become more irrelevant. There were other aspects so very much more
appropriate to divide this night into. Like perceptions, feelings,
first times. Just like this very moment when he finally finished
unbuttoning his shirt and slowly drew the cloth from his shoulders
with a sudden pang of something like shyness, exposing his upper
body to the eyes and hands of the other man for the very first time in
their strange relationship.

The werewolf\'s skin began to tingle under the former spy\'s black gaze
which he felt caressingly glide over curvatures, hollows and scars,
stroking the torso Remus knew was much too thin with an intensity
that was almost tangible. Still, the first true touch of fingertips
which began their maddening dance over his bare skin right above his
navel, making their whispering way up to his chest and collarbones,
sent a shiver of pure pleasure to the core of the Gryffindor\'s being.
Slowly letting his head fall back, the werewolf closed his eyes and
gave himself over to sensation.

The Slytherin let his hands memorize the shape of Remus\'s upper body
with a care that was completely new to the werewolf. Apparently afraid
of missing even the smallest patch of skin that was offered to him,
Severus\'s palms and fingers followed the contours of each muscle and
bone, mapping out every bit of flesh they could reach until Remus
was sure there was not a square inch of his skin left that did not
burn with the heat that the Slytherin\'s touches were inflaming his body
with. Until the dizziness that began to take over his head made him
grab for the other man\'s shoulders with both hands.

Fingers that now stroked down his spine were leaving their indelible
traces on his body, making him arch back into that hand while his
pelvis moved for- and upwards, meeting that of the Slytherin with a
smooth locking of their bodies. A groan shivered from the werewolf\'s
lips when he felt his growing erection being answered by an according
hardness that now pressed against his groin, and the rapidness with
which a suddenly exploding, overwhelming warmth begun to flood his
body only fuelled the arousal that he felt.

Until the werewolf realized that each muscle of the Slytherin\'s
body had gone completely rigid.

It was only a short moment. The fraction of a second. The blink of an
owl\'s eye. One short moment of hesitation, of purest tension, of the
threat of rejection. A short moment they shared in complete silence
and mutual fear, their bodies still touching, their glances locked,
both of them paralyzed, afraid of what the next second would bring. A
short moment which, to Remus, seemed like eternity.

A fierce spark that suddenly lit up the Slytherin’s eyes ended it all.
The echo of that flash of determination seemed to ripple over and
take possession of the former spy\'s body. In a single moment, all of
Remus\'s fears, self-reproaches and worries were effectively suffocated
by a hand which made it to the small of the Gryffindor\'s back, only to
press his hips even closer to those of the other wizard, rubbing their
erections against each other, creating a moment of friction so
delicious it forced the werewolf eyes shut on a hissing, sharp intake
of breath. He felt his fingers dig into the Slytherin\'s shoulders,
perceived the warm, solid resistance of flesh and skin that still lay
hidden beneath the thin layer of cloth that had become as impenetrable
as a piece of roughest dragon hide. At that very moment, Remus would
have given anything to be able to return the pleasure Severus\'s touches
were giving him, to begin an exploration of his own of the other\'s body
that had been forbidden land for him for so very long. Still, he very
well remembered his oath from earlier, and no matter how strong his
longing would become, how unbearable the need to feel the alluring,
warm firmness that was just beneath his hands but at the same time
unreachable, he would not push this, had promised not to, and there
was no way that...

The hand on his back vanished. Slowly, the source of comforting heat
that was the chest in front of him moved back and away, and his hips
lost contact to the other body that had been so firmly pressed against
his own only a second ago. The sudden distance seemed to pierce Remus\'s
skin with countless needles crisp with icy cold, while profound
confusion, edged with more fear, made him open his eyes again.
Prepared for facing the worst shining from the Slytherin\'s face, for
meeting rejection and refusal once again on those clear-cut features,
the werewolf searched for the other wizard\'s glance in the dim light
that flickered through the room.

Only to find the still gleaming spark of the same insistence there that
had been ignited a few moments ago. Only to see, even though just out
of the corner of his eye, how both of Severus\'s hands moved to the
collar of his shirt, slowly starting to undo those buttons, one after
another. With every single one, Remus saw the determination in those
eyes grow stronger, until the Slytherin\'s glance seemed to be alight
with black flames, bright and blazing in their darkness, a breathtaking
contrast to the perfectly pale skin that was gradually revealed by the
slow movements of long fingers to a completely stunned Gryffindor. One
who was beyond words and action in the face of the trust the abused
Slytherin placed in him, one who was unable to take his eyes away from
the flickering dark depths of Severus\'s gaze, as if still searching for
the final permission there to at last lay his eyes on the body that
once had been Voldemort\'s.

Completely absorbed as he was, Remus started at the sudden touch of
hands that came down on his own which were still lying on Severus\'s
shoulders. The contact was only a very light one at first, but it
didn\'t take long before the Slytherin\'s fingers started to move, began
to interweave with his own, until both of their hands were completely
entangled.

And then the Slytherin\'s soft pull that gently forced them to move
downwards actually made Remus catch his breath.

He didn\'t look, though. Didn\'t dare to. Still. All the time their joined
hands were slipping soft cloth down the Slytherin\'s arms, drawing it
from his shoulders and over his back, together removing one last layer
of protection from an abused body, all the time Remus\'s gaze was glued
to those dark eyes before him, determined not to miss any flicker, any
sudden spark that would announce the slightest sign of unease in the
other man, expecting, waiting for the moment when the past would crash
Severus\'s determination within an icy, irresistible fist of merciless
memory.

But that moment didn\'t come.

Instead, the werewolf felt how the death grip he was tightly clutching
Severus\'s shirt with was gently loosened by steady strokes of the other
man\'s fingers, heard the soft rustle with which cloth sank to the dungeon
floor, while those hands closed around his own once more and brought them
up again, all the way they had gone down just a moment ago, until his
fingers came to rest on the Slytherin’s shoulders once more. And this
time, there was nothing that kept him from finally feeling the warmth,
the soft firmness of another body. This time, it was skin on skin, flesh
on flesh, and nothing, nothing in the wizarding or the muggle world would
have been able to prepare Remus for the wild, powerful jolt of heat this
simple contact sent rippling through him. Awe, euphoria and the sparks of
his deepening arousal were in that hot wave. As well as a sudden, but
complete absence of doubt.

With a slightly shivering smile, the Gryffindor bid Severus\'s glittering
black gaze goodbye and finally, finally allowed his eyes to move down.
Down the line of that nose, over those thin lips, along the shifting
sinews and muscles of a long neck to the collar bones where his own
thumbs had begun to carefully caress the pale skin beneath them. For the
first time, Remus truly saw the formerly twice-marked body of the man
before him with the eyes of a lover.

The soft candle light that flickeringly lit the room didn\'t take any
edges from the sight. Skin stretched over too prominent bones, hollows
were much deeper than could be healthy for anyone, scars that easily
matched Remus\'s own in number indicated what joining Voldemort as
well as the return to the Dark Lord\'s ranks as a spy had meant. It was
not a pleasant view, nor an unfamiliar one. The werewolf had set
eyes upon it while having healed Severus\'s numerous injuries only the
afternoon before - was that truly just hours away from now? - , but it
had not been the same then. Things were completely different now. Now,
there were no pressing necessities like slashes and wounds that needed
to be closed or war-strategies that needed to be discussed, no painful
comments by other Order members that needed to be overcome, no
unspoken fears or declarations to stand between them. Now, there wasn\'t
any reproach or violation left that they had not struggled through. Now,
a war was over, and mutual feelings were known with a certainty that set
Remus\'s being on fire.

Now, there were only scars marking the body of the Slytherin. No Dark
Mark on his left forearm.

No triple symbol circling his heart.

Encouraged by the powerful knowledge that what happened here was what
they both truly wanted, Remus let one of his hands follow his gaze down
to Severus\'s chest, gently drawing fingertips over warm skin until, very
deliberately closing his eyes, he slowly let his palm sink down where
Voldemort\'s brand of subjugation had been for so very long. Had been
there until only a few hours ago. A steady heartbeat welcomed him there,
beating beneath his hand, and Remus let it set the rhythm for the small
circles he allowed one of his fingers to draw around a fast hardening
nipple that had got caught underneath his palm. He heard the sharp intake
of breath that followed, felt how the movements of a chest grew deeper,
could sense more than one pulse accelerating, and the certainty that it
was nothing but pleasure evoking those reactions made his head swim.
This was not the only reason, though, why Remus yielded to a whispering
need within him and leant forward, slightly bending his head to rest his
brow against the hollow beneath the Slytherin\'s throat. He still kept his
eyes closed as he turned his face, never stopped his finger massaging that
now perfectly hard nipple as he pressed his cheek to warm skin which felt
softer and smoother to him than anything he had ever touched. Skin that
had begun to grow damp with a first, very thin layer of wetness. Unable
to resist, the werewolf let his tongue sneak out, gently drawing it over
the heated surface of Severus\'s chest, basking in the salty taste of the
Slytherin\'s sweat of arousal. He could feel the other man\'s hands that
had returned to his own naked torso by now. Welcomed those fingers which
were more or less clawing into the skin over his shoulder blades as his
tongue succeeded in the search for Severus\'s second nipple, perceived the
fierce hiss somewhere above him that came with the first gentle flick he
gave it. Knowing how completely inappropriate this was, Remus suddenly
noticed the tears that were burning behind his closed eyelids, tears of
overjoyed disbelief that this now and here was possible and happening,
that the Dark Lord had not succeeded in rendering Severus unable to be
physically pleasured, that it was actually he who was giving proof of
that, at this very moment. Tears of disbelieving joy. Tears that Remus
was neither ashamed of nor could he stop them, and so he didn\'t care at
all when the moisture from his eyes finally added to the saltiness on
Severus\'s skin. When it wasn\'t the Slytherin\'s sweat alone anymore his
tongue tasted on the little piece of dark, hard flesh it was still
licking.

Fingers were burying themselves in his hair. The tug that followed was
soft but insistent all the same, not allowing any rejection, so Remus
went with it when his head was brought back up until he was on one level
again with those dark, dark eyes. Not a trace of the determination that
had been there only minutes ago was left in their depths, but had been
replaced by another fire instead, one that burned with bliss and with
need, a fire that mirrored and amplified the emotions which were boiling
within Remus as well. He wanted to say something, felt a nameless urge
pressing on his tongue, so much he wished to voice. About those tears,
from before, about his feelings, his needs, his fears. But his tongue
failed and his brain betrayed him, the words did not come, even though
the yearning to express all this grew stronger with each moment he was
facing the other man. The man he loved. But fortunately, it was the
Slytherin who acted then, locking Remus\'s head with an irresistible grip
between his hands, bringing his face so close he was able to trace down
the shining lines of moisture the werewolf\'s tears had left on Remus\'s
cheeks with the tip of his tongue. The Gryffindor felt his lips readily
opening when they were approached by that indescribably exquisite
caress. Every urge to speak was immediately silenced by Severus\'s tongue
ghosting over his mouth diving shortly into its warm darkness, by the
gentle force with which the soft flesh of his lower lip was carefully
drawn through two lines of teeth. The werewolf couldn\'t tell why this
very moment was even more intimate than any of the touches they had
shared so far, but his entire body was vibrating with the presence of
Severus who had now let go of Remus\'s lips without retreating in the
slightest, leaving their faces so close the werewolf could feel his
pants reflecting from the other man\'s skin and mingling with Severus\'s
own rapid breaths somewhere between their lips.

It might have been his name, that barely audible, throaty whisper that
drifted from the Slytherin\'s mouth to Remus\'s ears, but the Gryffindor
wasn\'t entirely sure and neither did he give a damn. He didn\'t care for
words right now, only for the sound of that voice that cradled him just
as Severus\'s arms did that had slid around his hips and shoulders.
Letting his own hands wander to the Slytherin\'s back and up both sides
of the other man\'s spine, the werewolf marvelled at the smoothness of
skin between the rough texture of scars beneath his fingers, noticed
the arch of each rib, some distant part of his mind wondering whether
his own scarred torso felt the same to Severus\'s touch.

It should have been his last coherent thought for quite a while.

One of the Slytherin\'s hands drifted down his body. Passed the small of
his back. Cupped one of his buttocks, carefully, almost shyly. Exerted
only the slightest trace of pressure, bringing their erections together
for the third time that evening. And this was the moment when the last
remnants of their mutual caution seemed to melt away within a single
second. Hearing his own guttural moan quiver through the air, Remus
drew the man in his arms closer until their chests finally met and the
breathtaking sensation of bare skin on skin inflamed each nerve in his
body, sent pure fire to the already burning hardness between his legs.
Remus\'s eyes drifted shut on the sound of Severus\'s deep intake of
breath, and he slowly slid his upper body up and down against the
Slytherin\'s torso, his hands incessantly roaming that slim back. He was
only too aware of five fingers which were working on the fastenings of
his trousers now, of a second hand that had slipped from his buttocks
past the loosening waistband. It glided further underneath the
werewolf\'s underpants Without the slightest hesitation, continued the
soft kneading from before, only that this time there was no cloth that
held back the heat that seemed to flow from those fingers at all.
Overwhelmed by one wave of purest warmth after another that flooded
his body with desire, Remus didn\'t even notice the cool air from the
dungeons that hit the sweaty skin of his hips and thighs when his
trousers were pushed down his legs, nor did it have any
subsiding effect on the Gryffindor\'s fully erect cock when his pants
followed immediately after. Still tightly holding on to the other man,
letting his lips and tongue have their way when they were drawn to that
long, pale neck by the irresistible urge to taste, Remus took his time
to remove his shoes with no help but that of his feet. By the time he
finally managed to step out of the cloths that were pooling around his
ankles, the mutual work of their mouths and hands on their bodies had
left both of them breathing heavily, and the air around them was thick
with sweat and need.

There wasn\'t a nerve within Remus\'s body that did not scream with
disagreement when he felt Severus\'s moving fingers pause and how those
lips where completely removed from his tingling skin. Still, he didn\'t
protest with one word when the only touch that remained on his body
were Severus\'s hands resting on his hips motionlessly, and he didn\'t
resist when he was gently pushed away. Not much. Just enough to allow
his lover\'s glance taking in what it hadn\'t been able to see so far.

Remus had to swallow hard in the face of the rapt adoration and
overwhelming awe that shone in the Slytherin\'s eyes as his gaze went
up and down the Gryffindor\'s body. Never before had the werewolf been
so very aware of his nakedness, of the erection that was nudging his
belly, of the skin he knew was stretching too tautly over his ribs and
junctions, or of the numerous scars that told of the violent madness
during all the full moon nights before the wolfsbane potion. Yet he
wasn\'t uncomfortable at all under those blazing eyes that he knew
didn\'t miss any detail of what they saw. There was no gnawing feeling
of being exposed, or judged, or rejected. Only that of being loved,
respected and desired. Wanted. Wanted badly.

The passion that seethed under the tenderness of the kiss with which
Severus ended his eyes\' journey down his body would have made
Remus gasp had his mouth not been sealed and gently invaded by a
languidly probing tongue. Tangling one hand into the other\'s hair, he
readily gave in to this delicious return of the Slytherin\'s lips, just as he
went with the careful pressure the hands on his hips were exerting now,
softly pushing him backwards, making him take one step after the other,
until some hard edge pressing against his buttocks forced him to stop.
Only then did the Slytherin break their kiss, his eyes searching for
Remus\'s glance. And for the first time in a long while did the former spy
speak.

\'If I\'ve learned one truth in the past years it is that you\'re about to
offer me one of the most precious things you possibly could.\' The
huskiness of Severus\'s voice sent shivers down to the very core of
the Gryffindor\'s being. \'Are you sure you...do you truly trust me with
this? With your body, Remus?\'

With a powerful surge, the wave of emotions those words had evoked
crushed in on the werewolf, mingled with the hot need and desire he
felt, yet without extinguishing his arousal in the least. The profound
care for and genuine concern about him, Remus, that vibrated in the
Slytherin\'s question only fuelled his burning desire. Cradling Severus\'s
face with both of his hands and moving his crotch forward to gently rub
it against the Slytherin\'s at the same time, he let his whispered words
confirm what his body was telling the other man already.

\'There\'s nothing I would not entrust you with, Severus.\' His thumb drew
a shivering line across the Slytherin\'s lower lip. \'Nothing.\'

He knew he\'d been carefully lifted up on the table at his back into a
sitting position after that, and that some part of him had been amazed
at the strength in a body as frail as Severus\'s. There were some foggy
recollections of his desperate fumbling with the Slytherin\'s trousers,
as well as of his legs having been slowly parted after he had finally
succeeded in freeing the other\'s erection, and of a gently twisting,
searching finger having entered his body, covered with some slick fluid
he had no idea where it had come from. What he very clearly remembered,
though, was the intensity blazing in Severus\'s eyes, the almost painful
gentleness that spiked the desire which burnt there for him and drew
him into that dark gaze which never left his for even a second - until
the preparing finger had found what it had been looking for, forcing
the werewolf\'s eyes shut reflexively against the bright, white flash of
pleasure that exploded within him.

Not for the life of him would Remus have been able to tell for how
long Severus had continued to stretch and ready him before he finally,
finally felt the Slytherin\'s hardness press against his slick and
widened opening. The other man\'s slippery hands drifted away from the
werewolf\'s buttocks and up his inner thighs, sending most pleasant
shudders rippling over the skin of his legs. Hardly able to keep his
eyes open, Remus watched how Severus\'s hands wandered further, past his
knees to his ankles, until his feet were slowly lifted to and rested on
his lover\'s bony shoulders. Not able to suppress a moan of lust and
anticipation when the Slytherin\'s fingers stroked their way back down
his legs, some very distant part of the werewolf\'s mind marvelled at
the profound concentration written all over the other man\'s face which
Remus knew was born from the determined will to not hurt, to make this
right for both of them, to make him enjoy their coupling, to give
nothing but relish.

But when Remus had finally summoned enough control of his voice to tell
Severus about how perfectly he succeeded in doing so, the Slytherin\'s
hands reached the small of the werewolf\'s back, lifting it slightly, and
each coherent thought that might have been on the Gryffindor\'s mind was
drowned by the breathtaking, overwhelming feeling of carefully being
entered by the hard length of his lover, of gradually being filled until
the Slytherin was completely buried within him. Exhaling on a long,
shuddering breath, his lover remained completely still for a moment, and
Remus could feel the fingers on his hips tremble slightly. For a short
moment, as a last gesture of reassurance and encouragement, their hands
met there on his skin, as did their glances above their joined bodies.
And then, Severus began to move.

With all his willpower the werewolf fought the reflexive need to close
his eyes when the first surge of purest pleasure flooded his body and
mind. The slow thrusts that rhythmically hit the small spot Severus\'s
fingers had already found before drowned him in wave after wave of lust
and desire and made keeping his eyes open a very difficult task, but
Remus knew with a strange twist in his heart that he simply couldn\'t
miss any of this. Not the sight of Severus\'s thin, scarred, pale body,
shining with sweat and moving to the sensual beat of their love-making
that was suddenly so heartbreakingly beautiful. Or the dance of
emotions on that clear-cut face, for once bare of any mask, for once so
alive with expression and feeling. Nothing could have kept him from
witnessing how this man reclaimed the body he once had lost to the Dark
in the name of the Light.

Not even when the Slytherin\'s hand closed around Remus\'s own erection,
matching its pumping to the slightly quickening pace of the movements
of his crotch did the werewolf take his eyes from his lover. It was
the only conscious action he was still capable of. The rest of his
being was burning desire, only listening to the reflexes of lust. He
didn\'t realize he had begun to meet Severus\'s thrusts with movements
of his own pelvis some time ago, or that his hands were clutching some
papers which had been unfortunate enough to be beneath his fingers. He
wasn\'t aware of his panting or frequent moans nor did he
notice the slight trembling of his lips. The only thing he knew while
his body yielded completely to his ever growing desire was that he
mustn\'t miss a second of the sight of Severus daring to give himself
over to the same lust as well.

Only the powerful climax that conquered his body from the hot eruption
in his contracting balls and ended the sweet torture of building
desire with the irresistible force of absolute completion finally broke
the werewolf\'s iron determination. Releasing his semen with a throaty
moan, the Gryffindor surrendered to what his body dictated, and with
his eyes drifting closed at last, Remus let his head fall back against
the table top.

But not before he had managed to catch one last glimpse of the man
before and inside him, in the tight grip of a forceful orgasm of his
own. A last glimpse at the pale torso that arched back when taken over
by release, at white, scarred skin that stretched over protruding ribs
in the process, at a face that was almost contorted with bliss. It was
this fraction of a moment which taught Remus all there was to learn
about fragility. Never before had the werewolf seen Severus vulnerable
like this. Not in all the Slytherin\'s suffering, in those years of
physical and mental torture, or the time of being Voldemort\'s
possession. Only now, now that it was all over was the Gryffindor
allowed to glance for a short second at the emotional world which
usually lay hidden behind inscrutable defences. And beside all the
pride, the strength, the caustic bitterness and the old and fresh pain,
it was the frailty he saw there which tore at the werewolf\'s heart,
which burnt this very image of the Slytherin into his mind forever.

And all that within one single heartbeat, just before the power of his
own culminating lust let the world go dark for a moment behind his
closing eyes.

Until, through the overwhelming exhaustion that came after, he felt
Severus sliding out of his body. The Slytherin\'s hands which had
loosened their strong grip on his hips were now resting on his skin
motionlessly, but where his thighs were still in contact with the
other man\'s body, Remus could feel the slight trembling that suddenly
rippled through that slender frame, while not a single sound was to be
heard from the Slytherin. An indescribable, gnawing feeling of
something being wrong awoke somewhere within the werewolf, but only
when Severus\'s fingers glided from his hipbone for good to come to
rest on the table did a tiny spark of definite anxiety flash through
the warm, heavy tiredness that was Remus\'s consciousness. Still it
was enough to make him set sight on his lover again.

The totally unguarded expression that waited for him there almost
made his heart stop. Helplessness and uncertainty washed over the
Slytherin\'s face in turns, and Remus could almost smell how the
other man was distracted between hope and fear, between the urge to
run and to stay, between the need of touching him again and the
uncertainty as to whether he\'d be wanted to. It was hard to witness how
this usually so eloquent man\'s mouth opened slightly for several
times as if to begin to speak, but drifted shut again just as often
as if not trusting his verbal abilities at all. The fact that the
Slytherin allowed himself to be seen in a state like that touched Remus
even more deeply than Severus\'s mixed up condition alone did, leaving
him at a complete loss of words himself.

But even though he did not know what had occurred to disturb and
confuse his lover like this, he was very aware that it was not
words that were needed here.

With one of his hands, he searched for Severus\'s fingers beside
his waist, carefully entwining them with his own, while he slowly
slid his legs from the Slytherin\'s shoulders. The black glance
that had plunged into his eyes and desperately clung to them
as Remus began to lower his legs gave the werewolf another
twist in his heart, and he hurried on, almost dropping his thighs
to both sides of Severus\'s hips. All it took now was pushing
himself up into a sitting position with his free hand, and then he
finally, at last, was able to wrap his arms around the other man
tightly.

The sound of Severus\'s ragged sigh of relief, the desperate clasp
with which the Slytherin\'s own arms came around him, the
mingling of their body heat, their sweat and their breaths and
the feeling of his lover\'s body gradually relaxing in his embrace
made Remus aware of bonds between two people that no kind of magic
rite would ever be able to form—or to destroy completely.






Author’s note:
I know I have not deserved your forgiveness for this unbelievably long time it took me to update this fic…I’m a pain of an author, and all I can ask you is to not give me but at least this story one more chance. There’s one final chapter still to come up, and I truly hope you’ll all be there to witness the end of For all Joy wants Eternity.