Harry Potter and the Secret Nurse

Chapter Twenty-Three
The Legacy of Umbridge

That night, Harry’s subconscious played with his mind, putting him out of context like he had seen of people in Otherworld, but with him this time and his own memories. Doing things he shouldn’t be doing, knowing things he shouldn’t know. It was like an unravelling that had to be settled every time he went to Otherworld, and every time he did, he landed in it furry. There was something left unsettled that made Harry anxious to wake up again, and when he did, he practically jumped out of bed and was hopping on one foot to pull on his shoes, his knees didn’t give out until he hit the stairs and nearly tumbled down them.
Lying on his face on the stone steps Harry called out to the chair and he flew out of the tower and down the great staircase, in the empty space between the changing flights, skipping the stairs altogether. When he got to the great hall there was one topic of conversation on all the early morning risers, Draco. He sat alone at the very end of the Slytherin table, close to the teachers table where most Slytherins stayed away from. Two Aurors stood by the entrance looking relaxed and talking amongst themselves until Bardwell passed them by and told them to stand at attention. She gave Harry a charming smile then went to her table. Harry went to Gryffindor table and saw Hermione there.

“You got here fast,” said Hermione.

“I would have gotten here faster if I first remembered to take my chair with me out of the dorm,” said Harry, rubbing his sore chin that hit the steps.

Hermione gestured with her thumb and said, “Everyone is talking about you-know-who over there.”

“WHAT?!?”

“Oh, sorry, not Vol- you know,” said Hermione as she lowered her voice, “Draco.”

“Thanks for the heart attack, Hermione,” said Harry, “What are they saying?”

“All sorts of weird stuff,” said Hermione, “Some blame him, for the train. People think maybe he went mad or something.”

“Suicidal?”

“Who knows?” said Hermione as she turned her attention to some notes she had on the table.

“I wouldn’t mind having a look up his sleeves,” said Harry speculating.

Hermione shushed Harry and whispered, “Not everyone who’s suicidal is a cutter.”

“That’s not really what I was thinking,” said Harry, “Anything else in the rumour mill?”

Hermione brushed her hair back and concentrated, Harry could see an ever so slight transformation take place around her eyes, she was using her feral abilities to enhance her senses to listen around the hall.

“Lavender thinks she’s pregnant,” said Hermione.

Harry breathed out a surprised “WHAT?” as he tried to keep his voice down.

“Yes, she’s going over some nonsense about moons being out of alignment, tossed stones giving off the wrong signs, chicken bones, tea leaves, etcetera,” said Hermione, sounding annoyed, “Notice anything missing from the equation?”

“Yeah,” said Harry, not believing it, “No boyfriend!”

“Honestly, they really should have a sex ed class at Hogwarts,” said Hermione, “If anything to keep students out of trouble. Hold on... Parvati is filling her in on the mechanics involved... woah, that’s a blunt way of putting it-”

Lavender spit up her cereal all over the table. Hermione put both her hands over her face and wiped them back hard over her brow line, turning herself back to normal without anyone seeing the change.

“That’s why I don’t do that,” said Hermione, “I just pick up on nonsense all the time.”

“Well, pick up anything important or useful, let me know,” said Harry, “I’ve got Slytherins again this afternoon.”

“Think Draco’s in your class?” asked Hermione.

Harry smirked and said, “I should think not. He may be a foul, evil, loathsome little cockroach, but I doubt few people in Hogwarts know more about potions or dark arts than he does.”

“Dark arts and potions, hmmmm,” said Hermione thinking deeply, “Think he would have known how to get his hands on an acorn of Vulcan?”

Harry remembered the time he accidentally wound up in Knockturn Alley, inside Mr Borgin’s shop where he saw Draco and his father Lucius Malfoy try to drop off some contraband, worried their home could be raided by the ministry. If there was any place to trade where you could get your hands on an acorn of Vulcan, that’s where Harry would go looking, or at least start. If Mr. Borgin couldn’t get one, he must have had some connections with someone who might. Whatever doubts Harry had of Draco planting the acorn, he could not deny his family had the likely resources to get one. For a moment, he thought about sharing this with Hermione, but Harry didn’t want to start any more speculation or rumours around the great hall so he put if off.

\"Do you have any late afternoon classes today?\" asked Harry.

Hermione raised her eyebrows and looked at Harry with an expression of \"On a Friday?\" Even she had her limits to how much time she wanted to spend in class. Overburdening herself in her third year taught her a few priorities, and time management skills. Harry mentioned he wanted to check out Umbridge\'s office that day and she should meet him there after he was done with his afternoon tutelage with the Slytherins.

Ron overheard Harry and jumped in with, \"You\'re not going in there without taking a professor with you? God knows what Umbridge left behind in that place.\"

Harry paused for a second and said, \"You might have a point.\"

\"I\'d take an Auror with me in there, mate,\" said Ron, \"I\'ll bet she booby trapped that office to cobblers. Remember what she said last year after that niffler kept getting into her office?\"

\"We don\'t want Bardwell to think we can\'t take care of ourselves,\" said Harry, \"Besides, I\'m sure Hagrid must have cleaned the place out.\"

\"Hmph, would you go in there alone?\" asked Hermione.

\"Heck no,\" said Harry.

Both Ron and Hermione joined Harry outside of Umbridge\'s old office after he was through tutoring the Slytherins. Ron already had his wand at the ready and Harry took note of it.

Harry looked to Hermione and said, \"Right, wands out.\"

They held their wands as Harry put his key into the lock. It was a bit of a strain to get it to unlatch, as the lock had seized up a little. He had to muscle it a bit before it finally clicked. His wand was at battle position as he pushed the door open slowly with his free hand. Bright sunlight lit the room from the window as Harry kept his eyes on the shadows as though something would leap out at him. The picture of those horrible kittens was still there, except they were bizarrely dressed. Like a Photoshop joke Harry had seen on the internet, these kittens were now dressed up as punk rockers with little leather gauntlets, tiny guitars, and coloured punk hairdos. One was wearing a \"Sex Pistols\" T-shirt while another was smoking a cigarette.

Harry regarded the photo ready to laugh and asked, \"What\'s gotten into THEM?\"

\"They were probably worried you\'re going to chuck them into the rubbish bin,\" said Ron.

Harry snorked and addressed the picture, \"Keep it up, I\'ll keep you around for laughs. Sex Pistols, nice touch. You guys need to play.\"

One kitten in the back picked up a miniature Stratocaster, banged out a few rifts and made a hex salute with his paw.

\"Rockin’, alright you stay,\" said Harry.

As Harry and Ron scanned the office looking for magical traps, they were reminded of their first stay at the House of Black, looking for hazardous magical infestations. Hermione started going through several scrolls on Umbridge\'s desk. A plate with the engraving \"Umbridge, High Inquisitor\" was still sitting on it on the desktop and without thinking Hermione just dropped it into a wastebasket as she was distracted from reading the scrolls.

\"Harry, look at this,\" said Hermione.

Harry had to take himself away from a glass display case that had several weird metal instruments in it and asked Hermione what she found.

\"More educational decrees,\" said Hermione, \"Lots of them. It goes past a hundred.\"

\"A hundred?\" Harry and Ron exasperated.

\"120... 125... 150... it keeps going!\" said Hermione as she picked up other scrolls.

Some of the educational decrees looked like official transcripts to be sent to the ministry, others looked like rough scribblings. As Hermione reached the end of the list, topping out at 278, the writings looked like they had gone mad. Some were just repetitions of earlier rules with extra punishments, mentioning Harry Potter specifically on many occasions. Students caught breaking the rules would get detentions, Harry Potter was to be chained and flogged, Harry Potter was to be locked in a dungeon, Harry Potter was to have Unforgivables hexed upon him until-

\"I think I\'m going to be sick,\" said Hermione as she quickly dropped the scrolls and ran off to a corner of the office.

Ron just stood his ground and whistled.

\"Now we know how she spent her free time,\" said Ron as he held up one scroll, \"This is just SICK. You think we should show this to the ministry?\"

\"What\'s the point?\" asked Harry, \"She\'s in exile, that\'s not going to change because of this. I do think we should hand them over to Bardwell.\"

\"Why her?\" asked Ron.

\"She couldn\'t have performed some of these Unforgivables without the assistance of Aurors,\" said Harry, \"Something about that sets off my bells, know what I mean?\"

Hermione rejoined them, holding her arms across her stomach and said, \"Aurors turned on the professors, siding with Umbridge last year, now they\'re here, can we trust them all?\"

\"I trust the ones hand picked by Bardwell,\" said Harry, \"You didn\'t happen to notice anything about them, did you?\"

\"Well, they weren’t here last year, I know that, and they\'re all young,\" Hermione speculated, \"Those two outside the Great Hall this morning were former Gryffindors. They were both in their seventh year when we first started at Hogwarts. Eldon and... aww I can\'t remember the other one.\"

\"Danny, he\'s Irish,\" said Ron, \"Charlie knew them. He said Danny and Eldon were always close friends, well, more than close really, they were...\"

Ron didn\'t say it, but Hermione caught on and looked at Harry as he nodded at her. When Harry started going through desk drawers, he wished he had Moody\'s eye to scan what was in them before opening them. Something did jump out at them, but more from simply being trapped rather than a booby trap. A confiscated chocolate frog hopped up and away. Ron refused to eat it, thinking it might be poisoned and let it hop out the window. In the desk Harry found shackles, whips, and what he guessed to be various devices of interrogation.
Once he took stock of it all Harry was grateful the worst detention he ever experienced from Umbridge was that simple curse that bled his hand. Some of the belongings he was a little tempted to take home and keep for himself. Harry held up a pair of handcuffs at Hermione and winked, she just gestured her head towards Ron to tell Harry to let it wait until later. Ron blurted out he wanted to borrow a short whip to play with Luna for the weekend.

\"Help yourself,\" said Harry, \"By the way, I noticed Luna\'s a bit.. focused these days? Even when you\'re not around.\"

\"Yes, it\'s that really simple spell Hermione told us about,\" said Ron, \"The one that lasts for a day.\"

\"The fluid thing?\" asked Harry, \"What does she carry in her?\"

\"Never mind,\" said Ron.

Hermione was trying to cover a smirk, as Harry figured it out and dropped it. It was good to know even Ron had some tact. The scrolls were gathered into a tethered old bag and Harry kicked it to the side to take down to Bardwell\'s office later. Harry found a nameplate in the trash bin and without even reading it he spelled his own name on it and put it on the desk. Hermione noticed him as she sat on the edge of the desk, reading some of her own papers.

\"Are you going to put your name on the door too?\" said Hermione as she kicked her attractive bare legs off the edge of the desk.

\"I might,\" said Harry taking the sitting position behind the desk in his wheelchair, \"Who\'s place was this before Umbridge took it over?\"

\"Uhm... that professor Hagrid took over from, I think,\" said Hermione.

Ron became totally enthralled with a box full of confiscated goods, which included a substantial amount of pornography. The copies actually locked in Umbridge\'s desk had a rather disproportionately large number of magazines with nude men.

\"Where\'s the totty mags?\" Ron asked, sounding frustrated as her peered under the desk, \"Ah, here we go!\"

Magazines of beautiful naked women were kept in a box underneath the desk, as though shoved to the side and kept out of Umbridge\'s sight. Harry smirked at a copy of Honcho sticking out from the bottom drawer and whispered to Hermione it was pretty hypocritical of Umbridge to have taken prejudice towards gay wizards considering the porn in her desk was marketed for gays. Hermione whispered back that didn\'t really prove much, as most straight women usually collected nudie magazines of gay men since they almost always had the more attractive models, and it was a bit of a kink for women to watch men have sex with each other (as it was for men to watch women go at it).

\"I still think she\'s a hypocrite,\" said Harry, who then pointed to the magazine and asked, \"Would you like to watch me do that?\"

\"Why?\" asked Hermione, \"Planning to snog Ron?\"

\"NOT HAPPENING!\" Ron interrupted.

\"Aw c\'mon, Ronny, give us a kiss,\" joked Harry and he puckered up.

\"You are totally putting me off my weekend,\" said Ron.

Harry slapped his own behind and invited Ron to jump in it, Ron just got up and said he needed to find Luna right away to put his mind right. Hermione and Harry were laughing out loud by the time he was out of sight.

\"He\'s a little squeamish,\" said Harry.

After setting up his laptop, Hermione gave Harry a disk of the modified reading lesson she had been working on in the school library. Harry was extremely impressed with Hermione\'s efforts, this was above par, even for her.

\"We should get another desk in here for you,\" said Harry, \"And get a computer for the office. Maybe two of them.\"

\"Getting extra desks and chairs is no problem at Hogwarts,\" said Hermione, \"But more computers? Are you going to buy them?\"

\"Well, not a pair of laptops,\" said Harry, \"A couple of new towers cost next to nothing.\"

Hermione shook her head and said that still costs money. Harry took some floo powder and flung it into the fireplace, he stuck his head in and called out;

\"93 Diagon Alley, Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes.\"

Once through that disturbing sensation of his head flying around, even though he was still firmly seated in his chair, Harry saw himself at Fred and George\'s place and right away saw Lee Jordan, who seemed to be running things now.

He saw Harry and said, \"Oh hi! I knew you were coming, I\'ve got your pay.\"

Jordan reached behind the counter and pulled out an envelope, he was about to put it in Harry\'s mouth but Harry asked, \"How are you doing here?\"

\"I was worried business would drop off after Fred and George left for Paris,\" said Lee, \"A lot of the money they make here is due to their fame. But everything is great! Every time they make another headline people keep showing up here. I just keep promising they might drop in any minute to wind people up.\"

\"Great!\" said Harry, \"Listen, if you need to drop anything off or have me sign anything I\'m in Umbridge\'s old office.\"

\"Strewth!\" called out Lee Jordan, \"What are you doing in there?\"

\"It\'s mine, now, I’m a tutor now with my own bloody office,\" said Harry, \"Hagrid said I could keep it. So just floo anything you need me to see over to Harry\'s office at Hogwarts.\"

\"Way to go, Harry,\" Lee Jordan smiled as he put the envelope into Harry\'s mouth, \"You sure showed up that wretched old bat, Umbridge. I got you a copy of your own key to the store there in that envelope, like you asked. Good luck, \"

Jordan waved bye, giving a great wide smile as Harry pulled back. As soon as he was sitting back in his chair he opened the envelope. Hermione asked Harry what it was.

\"That\'s to buy a new tire for the bike tomorrow,\" said Harry as he looked in, then he whistled and said, \"Or maybe buy you your own motorcycle.\"

Hermione raised an eyebrow, then peeked in the envelope herself and said, \"You could get a used one for that much. Good lord, Harry, that\'s how much your take is for one month?\"

\"That\'s one-quarter of what my take is for one month,\" said Harry, \"The rest gets reinvested back into the business.\"

Hermione was impressed and said, \"That\'s right smart, Harry.\"

Harry pointed to the floo pot and asked, \"Did you want to go back to London tonight?\"

Hermione had to think for a second, wondering if they needed permission, \"Sixth years and above are allowed to go home on weekends, to work if they need to.\"

\"I\'ve got Fred and George\'s shop in Diagon Alley,\" said Harry, \"You... you still write articles for the newspaper?\"

\"I told McGonagall that job was only for the summer already,\" said Hermione as she sat across the desk suggestively and tickled Harry\'s chin, \"But I have an idea. You COULD hire me as an assistant, and we\'ll just have an office affair.\"

Harry put his arm around Hermione and asked, \"And what would be a proper wage for the mistress, Ms. Hermione Granger?\"

\"Oh.. I don\'t know..\"

\"A sickle a week?\"

\"I\'M NOT A HOUSE ELF!\"

\"20 Galleons then,\" said Harry, \"And I\'ll put you on the store\'s payroll, but taken out of my pay.\"

Hermione was a little shocked at the offer and asked, \"Gee, Harry, doesn\'t that kind of advertise to everyone at the store that we\'re...?\"

\"Is that a problem?\" asked Harry.

\"No, it\'s not,\" said Hermione who kissed Harry.

There was a quick rap on the door and somebody cleared their throat. Hermione quickly got up when she saw Professor Bardwell standing there.

\"I wish I could do that in my office,\" said Bardwell, \"I heard you guys scoped this place out yourself?\"

Hermione straightened out her robes as Harry didn\'t know how to react and simply answered her question.

\"Nothing attacked us,\" said Harry, \"Unless you count a chocolate frog. We found all sorts of contraband, but there\'s stuff here I don\'t know what the hell to make of. I couldn\'t tell you if they were dangerous or not.\"

\"Ah, you don\'t mind if I poke around, do you?\" asked Bardwell.

Harry said go right ahead and Bardwell started looking around. Right away she noticed the punk kittens and said she loved them, saying she remembered Umbridge used to have this horrid painting of ugly little garish kittens that looked like they belonged in a demented children’s program. Bardwell stopped at a strange looking brass instrument on a shelf that had many screws and holes in it and she whistled.

\"That\'s medieval,\" she commented as she picked it up.

\"What is it?\" asked Harry.

\"A wizard torture device,\" said Bardwell, and she pointed to parts of it as she explained, \"You\'re actually supposed to put a wand in here. It magically tortures a wizard using the bond they have with their wand. It would be used in a case where you had a wizard\'s wand in possession but not them. When this was used wizards usually turned themselves in to put an end to the torture. These were supposed to have been banned over two hundred years ago because muggles got their hands on them, and used them to flush out real wizards or witches and them hang them.\"

\"That\'s horrible,\" said Hermione.

\"By the time the muggles were through doing what this thing would have done to them, most wizards would have been glad for death,\" said Bardwell, \"But to be fair, muggles had no grasp of what it really was.\"

Bardwell then moved onto other, equally ancient and grotesque devices of torture and interrogation. Others were spying devices, one of which worked just like Moody\'s Eye, but had a limited range. Although many of the inventions had functions who’s aim was no different than many muggle spying devices, they all had devious mechanisms. Some of which involved disguising themselves as personal items (extremely personal items, such as feminine hygiene products) just to spy on what students were doing. Hermione nearly fainted over the idea wondering if she ever had one of them inside herself.

Bardwell took her wand out and said, “We better search Hogwarts to see what else Umbridge left behind. Right, you two, pay attention. I\'m going to teach you how to perform the possessions-in-property-of spell. It\'s NEWT level, so it\'s tough. First we need something for the wand to read Umbridge’s presence off of, preferably something she handled a lot. The more contact she\'s had with it, the better.\"

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then Harry handed Bardwell the issue of Honcho magazine Umbridge kept in the bottom drawer.

\"Niiiiice,\" said Bardwell as she took the magazine, \"Watch this closely, a quick swirl with your wand, tap the item and say Substantia!\"

The wand seemed to draw light from the magazine into itself, as the magazine glowed brightly.

\"Oh yeah, Umbridge was close to this alright,\" said Bardwell, \"I\'ll bet she was unhappy to part with it... and we\'re done.\"

The magazine stopped glowing and then Bardwell aimed her wand at the shelves.

\"Okay, now to get the spell to reveal anything else in a room that was in Umbridge\'s possession, you simply say Aperio. You can\'t see it, but there\'s a beam coming out from the wand that extends about fifty feet or so, depending on how powerful the wizard wielding it is. It works kind of like a flashlight, it only lights up things that once belonged to Umbridge. It works really well in the dark, Hermione can you shut the blinds?\"

Once the room was darkened, they could see that where ever Bardwell pointed her wand many items all over the room lit up like they had a glowing sparkles of light covering them. It was so noticeable even in direct sunlight there was still some visible glowing.

\"But Professor, couldn\'t it be dangerous to use this spell?\" said Harry, \"I remember Dumbledore once said he was using it during an investigation and something blew up on him.\"

\"Are you sure?\" asked Bardwell, sounding doubtful.

\"He says it\'s how he wound up in this chair for ten years,\" said Harry.

Bardwell said it was the very first time she ever heard about anything like that happening with this particular spell, and Harry explained it happened when Dumbledore was investigating missing items at Hogwarts involving Tom Riddle.

\"And you know who he turned out to be,\" said Harry.

\"Right,\" said Bardwell, \"That would have been before my time, but I wish I was there. I\'d like to know how something could be booby trapped so an Aperio spell would set it off.\"

\"I\'m betting Dumbledore wished he knew that himself,\" said Harry.

“You guys practice,” said Bardwell, “When you’re done you can scan the girls and boys dorms, I’m going to get some seventh years to do the other houses and the Aurors and professors will search the castle this weekend, if they haven’t already.”

Harry stopped the professor, as she was about to leave, pointed to the shelves and asked, “Don’t you want to confiscate this stuff? I’m not really comfortable having it around the office.”

“Well, to tell the truth most of all that is more considered to be antiquated curiosities rather than contraband,” said Bardwell, “And the rest, even though may be regarded to be in extreme bad taste, is not illegal. I’d like to take the wandscrew, though, a lot of people at the ministry would love to see it. For criminology it’s a rather fascinating piece.”

Harry told her to go right ahead and take it, and wondered what on earth was he going to do, saddled with several other grotesque pieces of magical torture. While he practiced the new spell, Harry complained he just didn’t want those things just loosely hanging around his office, as someone might make off with them to do who-knows-what or even hurt themselves. Hermione mentioned the idea of just stuffing them all in a trunk and stowing it in the basement of Black. Considering everything else that was hidden down there, they would hardly be out of place.
Hermione was fascinated with the new spell, as she was learning for the first time, spells that were specially used to investigate magical crimes. She had spent some of her time getting caught up in reading about famous fictional magical crime solvers such as Catherine O\'Hara. At that time she was in the middle of “The Warlock of the Wands”, and of course she was loving it. It was truly a wonder to Hermione as to why she had not discovered these books earlier. Everything about Catherine O’Hara was appealing to Hermione. A smart woman who had been a little bookish her whole life who went out on adventures of solving mysteries and crimes. She was portrayed as attractive but not extremely beautiful (like the witches who portrayed her in film), practical, methodical, maybe a little fussy at times, and brilliant.
Harry didn’t have a much harder time mastering the spell than Hermione did, and they waited until after supper before combing Gryffindor Tower. They had to be thorough, Umbridge was quite inventive, especially around the common room where they found little brass spiders, curtain rungs, and candle holders. When they met up after scanning the dorm, Harry came back with a couple of toothbrushes that no one could remember owning or using. Hermione found several Tampons, gratefully none of which resembled any product she had used habitually.

“When did she get the chance to plant all of this?” asked Hermione.

“C’mon, that’s too obvious,” said Harry, “After Dumbledore was gone, Dolores’ High Inquisitorial Squad probably did it for her when we were all in class. Do you think Draco would object to skipping a class or two to go snooping around our houses?”

“Oh god, Millicent Bulstrode going through my things,” said Hermione, who then thought for a moment.

Hermione was always suspicious that periodically someone was going through her belongings, but dismissed it as childish paranoia. Now, for the first time, she had a real reason to be concerned about it.

Harry snapped his fingers an said, “Trunks! Hermione, we never scanned anyone’s personal trunks.”

“We can’t do that, Harry,” said Hermione.

“I know, we’ve got to tell them about Umbridge’s bugs and then do it,” said Harry, “Or least teach as many as we can how to check for themselves.”

“That’ll take all weekend Harry,” said Hermione.

Harry looked at his watch and said, “Yeah, you’re right. We’re late for getting back to London. How about we put this on the agenda for the next DA meeting? We can teach everyone how to search for themselves. At least it’ll give me something to do if everyone isn’t too busy learning how to bust each other’s chops.”

Hermione ruffled Harry’s hair, and insisted he have the wheelchair turn into a scooter to run them down to his office to cheer him up. As they approached the office, Hermione smiled as she wondered what future held for a place that once held such fear and loathing at Hogwarts. It was destined to become DA central. Sooner or later, people just wont believe it was the home office of Hogwarts’ infamous Grand High Inquisitor, Dolores Jane Umbridge (current residence, unknown, but very cold).