Doubts and Desires

A/N: Yes, I know. It's a miracle! Two chapters in two days after a year of no chapters. No, it's not the end of the world. :) I do hope you enjoy this chapter as well as all the others. There is only one chapter left (the epilogue) before this story is finished. Please read and review.

Chapter 23: Should I Stay or Should I Go


The Quidditch Stadium at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was completely packed for Harry Potter’s funeral. As people were entering the stadium, they could see Voldemort’s body, position for whatever taunts one wished to inflict. Just like Mussolini, the wizarding people needed to see such a fallen terror to be certain that he truly was gone.

Hermione had passed by the horrendous display not more than thirty minutes ago. Even though logically she understood why they had to degrade Voldemort’s body, she still felt that no one’s remains should be paraded around in such a manner. She was sitting beside of Severus, who had not left her side much since the battle at Malfoy Mansion.

She still found it hard to believe that the battle had occurred only yesterday. Everything just seemed a blur to her. She didn’t even remember how she had returned back to Hogwarts afterwards. Her one goal was to see what had gone wrong in the potion. As soon as she entered the potions lab, she found all the mice alive except one. The one that was dead was the one who had been hit with the Killing Curse three times.

Even this realization still did not seem to dawn on her that it could be true. She tested the mice through the night, despite Severus’ protests that she should get some rest. Test after test showed that a mouse hit two or fewer times would live. The third time killed the mouse shortly after it was hit.

At morning, Draco had entered the potions lab, accusing her of the faulty potion. He had pushed her against the wall and threatened to kill her as well. She knew that he was filled with grief. She showed him the mice and how the potion worked. She remembered telling him that she would have never done anything to harm Harry. After more than an hour and Severus coming in to rescue her, he had finally agreed that it was a mistake.

Hermione just wished that she could stop feeling so guilty. Draco had eventually forgiven them for the potion. She had not. This guilt consumed her as she paid little attention to the Minister of Magic and Albus Dumbledore’s speeches about Harry. She was expected to speak as well, and it was her turn.

Very slowly, she made her way to beside the coffin which held her best friend. “Sonorus,” she stated as she pointed her wand at her throat, so everyone could hear her. “Harry didn’t deserve to die in this way. He had such a hard life. He was orphaned, sent to people who didn’t care about him, and made an instant celebrity when all he wanted was to be known as Harry…just Harry. To top all of that, he constantly rose to the occasion when justice and bravery had to come against evil. He didn’t give up. I know he wanted to at times. Anyone would have. He is the greatest wizard I have ever known. He taught me that there is more than just book smarts and cleverness. There is friendship and bravery. He was willing to face the odds, even when they were against him.” As she spoke, she suddenly realized that Harry wouldn’t have blamed her for their lack of knowledge on the potion. He would have gone against Voldemort, even if there was no potion. Her eyes grew bright with unshed tears. “We are all alive today because of him and people like him. Harry was a true hero, but I will remember him best as just Harry…my friend.” She would have spoken more, but the grief had finally hit her, and she could no longer go on. “Quietus,” she said as she put her wand away as she left the stage.

She went back toward Severus, but she did not stop at her seat though as she left the stadium and began to walk back to Hogwarts. She wished that she could stay at Harry’s funeral to hear the rest, but she was now too upset. It had finally sunk in that her best friend was dead.

Although blinded by tears, she managed to return to the hospital wing and her own quarters. She collapsed on her bed in tears. She did not know how long she had lay there and cried, but the shadows had grown longer in the room. She knew what she had to do now though as she began to pack up her things. The knock startled her, and she went to answer it. “Oh,” she stated in surprise as she saw Ron there.

“Hermione,” Ron said pleadingly before he suddenly gave her a hug. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to fight. I can’t lose another friend. You can marry Snape for all I care. I just want us to still be friends.”

She returned his hug. “Thanks, Ron. I want us to be friends still too.”

He released her and looked around, noticing the bags. “Where are you going?” he asked in a panicky voice. “Are you leaving me too?”

She sighed. “Ron, I can’t stay here for a while. I just need some time away from Hogwarts.” She gave him a sad smile. “This was Harry’s home. Everything around here reminds me of him, and I just need some time.”

He knew that she was right. “We do have a lot of fond memories here with Harry, even in the hospital wing.” He remembered that they had all spent a lot of time there, especially Harry.

She actually giggled. “I wouldn’t necessarily say that the memories in the hospital wing are fond ones, but we do have many of them here.”

He grinned. “So, does Snape know that you are leaving?”

“No, not yet. I was just going to write my resignation to Albus before I went to see him.”

“Are you coming back?”

She gave Ron another hug. “I’ll be back. It may be a while, but I promise to return. I’ll write you. Will you write me back?”

He laughed. “Nah, you know I don’t write back.”

She chuckled. “Unfortunately I know that too well, Ronald.” She was genuinely glad that they could be friends again. She was afraid that they wouldn’t be. “You should try talking to Draco. He loved and cared about Harry too, and he could use a friend.” She saw his face sour at the idea. “Harry would appreciate it. You know he would.”

Begrudgingly, he agreed. “I’ll go and talk with him. I promise I’ll at least give it a try.”

“Good.” With a few casts of her wand, she had finished packing up her belongings. She had also finished writing her resignation and sent it via the Floo network to Albus’ office. “I guess this is good-bye for now. Take care of yourself, Ron.”

“You too, Hermione,” he said as he gave her a sad smile. He didn’t want her to leave as he felt like all his friends were gone, but he understood that she had to go. It was hard being at Hogwarts enough now, and he couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if you had to live there. He gave her a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek before he turned and left her, knowing that he had to leave before he would get all teary-eyed.

Hermione was now alone in the hospital wing. “It is time,” she said softly to herself as she took her things with her and headed once more to Severus’ quarters. She left her trunk and bags in his classroom and went on into his quarters, not finding him there. She didn’t know where he could be, but she had to leave. She took out a quill and a piece of parchment and began to write him a note.

“Are you going to leave me without saying good-bye?” Severus’ deep voice startled her.

“No, not exactly. I didn’t know where you were.” Hermione felt guilty. She was planning to just up and leave, and she would have left without saying good-bye, if he hadn’t shown up. “Severus, I’m sorry, but I have to leave Hogwarts. It holds too many memories.”

He knew all about running away from problems and memories. “I suppose that this is good-bye then,” he said, a tinge of coldness seeping into his tone. The thought of her leaving was hurting him more than he ever would have imagined.

She felt trapped. She could never ask him to leave here, but she had to leave. “I can’t stay at Hogwarts, Severus. Not now. I don’t know if I’ll be back. I have to leave though. I’m sorry.” She noticed how he was just standing there so still. She couldn’t read his dark eyes. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She suddenly had to just leave before she lost her nerve.

His hand grasped her wrist and pulled her back to him. “Are you going to leave just like that? What about us?” He had been through too much with her to just allow her to walk off like that.

She looked up into his eyes, and she noticed that he was serious. There was their relationship to consider. “Severus, I love you. I truly do. I just can’t stay here at Hogwarts. I need some time away from Hogwarts…perhaps some time even away from Great Britain as a whole. I just don’t know. Everything is so up in the air. I need to get away to think…to grieve even in a neutral place.” She hoped that he could understand.

He knew that he had a decision to make. He could have her walk out that door. There was the possibility that he might never see her again, if that happened. He also could profess his love for her and ask to go with her. This choice led to a decision on her part. She could tell him yes or no. The biggest question he had was whether or not he could live with himself if he said nothing and allowed her to leave. He found he couldn’t. “May I come with you?” he asked and held his breath, awaiting her answer.

She was surprised. She never thought that he would give up Hogwarts and his job to go with her wherever she wanted to go. “If you want to come with me,” she said as she gathered her trunk and bags, looking back at him once more to see if he would follow her or not before leaving.