Pains and Contradictions

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Really it means to much to me to know that people are enjoying my story. I really do put my soul into this (sad as that may be) and it makes me very happy to know you are enjoying it.

Thanks goes to Torina and thesewarmstars for the wonderful beta jobs. Thank you, Laurenke1 for plot betaing. In addition to her Brit Pic, smut, and grammar betaing, WhiteCotton was also my 'reality' beta for this chapter. Thank you so much, darling. This chapter is for her.

Spoil the Vine

Harry stood and met Severus' gaze as he entered the room, shaking slightly as dark eyes connected with his own. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, resolving to remain silent in the face of Severus' accusations and only to offer an apology once he was through. Whatever venom Severus saw fit to spew at him, Harry deserved.

He lowered his gaze shamefully when he realized that Severus was barely clothed, wearing only his dressing gown. Even his feet were bare, the pale skin standing out against the cold stone floor of his dungeon quarters.

Harry had seen Severus in his dressing gown before, but he had always worn nightclothes underneath. He averted his gaze from the pale, hairless chest that the loose-fitting garment revealed. No, he shouldn't be looking the man over after what he had done last night, no matter how gorgeous he looked in his current attire.

Harry lowered his eyes to floor, and tried not to stare too much at Severus' feet.

He crossed the threshold and closed the door behind him, his eyes still aimed down towards the floor. He looked up with great reluctance and saw Dumbledore sitting in one of the straight-backed chairs next to the sofa. He looked much calmer than Severus, whose face was outwardly still, but his body betrayed him. In that inexplicable way, Harry knew Severus wasn't faring any better than he was.

But why was Severus feeling such anguish?

The silence that encompassed the room was overwhelming, the tension between them thick. Even if Harry had not been able to feel what was passing through Severus' senses, he would have been unable to mistake the tension straining the man's back, or the way his fists and jaw were clenched.

He was standing a few feet away from Severus, with only the length of the sofa separating them. With Severus' emotions swirling within him and the reminder of his actions last night between them, Harry felt both closer and farther away from Severus than he had ever been. It was a disconcerting feeling, and Harry forced himself to focus for Severus' sake. The silence in the room grew slowly more oppressive, and Harry decided to make the first move.

He started to open his mouth, not really knowing what to say. How did one apologize to someone they had so horribly violated?

Harry opened his mouth and then closed it again, his throat dry and palms sweaty. The eyes of the other men were on him, and he still had no idea what to say or do, short of throwing himself at Severus' feet and begging for forgiveness.

"Hello," he said in a soft tone.

Harry closed his eyes and cursed himself a fool.

Right. Yes. Idiot.

'Hello?' Was that the most brilliant thing he could come up with? Knowing that so much more needed to be said, he opened his mouth again, this time in an attempt to get it right.

Severus made to speak at the same time, and they both snapped their mouths closed at the same moment. Severus frowned and averted his gaze, and they sat in silence for a few more moments, awaiting Severus' response.

Severus straightened his shoulders and looked up at Harry, nodding determinedly. "Hello," he responded in the same soft tone.

Harry blinked and nearly smiled. He felt some small sense of relief invade him, but quickly pushed it down. Just because Severus wasn't yelling at him didn't mean anything was all right.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

Severus frowned and Harry could feel the other man's confusion.

"You're sorry?" he repeated.

Harry nodded, and he ran his hand over his face in an attempt to wipe away the sweat he knew had collected there.

"Now, now," said Dumbledore calmly from his chair. "Any apologies or declarations can be made after we've had this discussion. There are more pressing matters to attend to at the moment, Harry."

Harry shook his head and opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore held up a hand.

"I'm sure Severus knows you feel remorse." Dumbledore gave a knowing look to Severus, then continued. "Now, wouldn't you like to know how it is possible that Severus knows what you are feeling?"

Harry took a step back and looked towards Severus, unwilling to nod but wanting to know what had happened all the same.

Guilt.

Anguish.

Harry let his gaze fall to the floor as he felt Severus' emotions flood through him. He wanted nothing more than to explain himself to Severus, to beg his forgiveness and tell him he knew he had been wrong. But all he could do was stand there, waiting to be judged.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, breaking the silence. "Perhaps you should inform Harry of your actions last night."

Harry looked up at that last. Severus had done something?

Severus cleared his throat and averted his eyes from Harry's gaze, which only served to frighten him further. What had he done? What had Malfoy done?

"I don't understand," he said at last. "What did Malfoy do to you?"

Severus looked up with a frown and met his gaze once more. "Draco?"

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I think Harry is laboring under a misapprehension. He believes what has happened to you is due to Draco's actions and not your own."

Harry sputtered, "Wait. Malfoy did do this. The potion-"

"The potion that Draco used has nothing to do with our current predicament, Potter," Severus said bluntly.

Harry felt his heart sink and his throat close up at the sound of his surname coming from Severus' lips once again.

Severus flinched and looked away.

"But-" Harry broke off. "But then what's happened? Why is this-" he waved his hand between the two of them, as if the gesture in itself were a question.

"The potion that Draco... administered is called Anima Munio. It is a potion that forces the... true desires of a wizard to the forefront of his mind. It allows a person to see what he should consider... most important."

Severus refused to meet his eyes as he spoke, and the look on the other man's features bemused Harry.

"I don't understand," Harry said softly, confused and feeling a bit foolish for it.

Severus scowled at him as though he were the most idiotic, simple-minded person to have ever existed. Harry faltered under his dark gaze, before standing straighter, silently begging Severus to explain further.

"I will not explain it again. Not when the evidence of what I have just said is... in existence right before you."

Harry shook his head, still not understanding. Malfoy had given Severus a potion that forced Severus to acknowledge... what exactly?

Harry was barely able to stop himself from voicing the question, instead choosing to keep his thoughts to himself. Was it possible that Severus had been speaking the truth last night?

He had managed to stop himself from voicing his desire, but was unable to stop a feeling of hope from surging within him.

Severus jerked his eyes to meet his, his gaze incredulous.

"You-" Severus asked, only to be cut off by the headmaster.

"Before there are any other misunderstandings, perhaps we can talk about what Severus did now?"

Harry turned towards Severus again, eager now to know what Severus felt he'd had to do. If the potion had compelled Severus to do something...

He cleared his throat once again. "After we..." He paused. "After, I went into my lab and created a potion with the intent of bonding the two of us irrevocably in protection and... affection."

The moment went still between them and Harry felt as if the breath had been knocked out of his body.

"You brewed a potion?" he asked softly.

"Yes," Severus answered plainly.

Harry could barely mask the panic that was once again threatening to overwhelm him. "What type of- I mean, what does the potion-"

"Potter, calm yourself," Severus said in a loud voice. "Did you not hear me earlier? Draco's potion forced me to acknowledge my desire to... protect you. The potion I brewed is one that was very common between a husband and wife in the Middle Ages, before the Statue of Secrecy was enacted."

Harry balked. "A husband and a wife?"

"Or two wizards, Harry. Or two witches, for that matter," Dumbledore said calmly from his seat. "The potion Severus brewed was made especially for lovers, lovers who had every intention of spending their lives together."

"What?!" Harry asked, alarmed.

"Albus, you are only frightening him," Severus admonished.

"If I am frightening him, it is only because you are not being honest in your explanations," Dumbledore said plainly.

Severus sighed and rubbed his temples.

"With your permission," Dumbledore asked, gesturing to Harry.

Severus nodded and took a few steps away from Harry, allowing Dumbledore to fill the space between them.

"Harry," Dumbledore said kindly with a smile on his face, "there are many types of bonds, most of them centuries old and hardly enacted in these times. There are bonds between lovers, bonds between friends, and bonds between spouses."

Bonds between slave and master; master and thrall, Harry thought, spells from Draco's book running through his head.

"There are bonds that are breakable and those that are not. The bond Severus enacted last night is very strong- and unbreakable."

Harry was beginning to panic now. He knew Severus would never hurt him, but he also knew that most of the bonds in that book had been awful, to say the least. What had Severus done?

"Perhaps you should explain more expediently, Albus, before Potter collapses."

Harry looked over to Severus, who, despite the acidity of his words, looked as though he truly was concerned for Harry.

"You would like me to cut to the quick, Severus?" Severus nodded and Dumbledore smiled and continued. "Very well. Severus loves you very deeply, Harry."

Anger

Shame

"Albus!" Severus roared.

"You have some objection to what I've said? Are you going to begin your life together by lying to your bondmate?"

Harry blinked as he tried to take in what was happening, the hope that had lingered from before coming back in full force.

"Bondmate?" Harry asked softly to no one.

"Life together? There will be no 'life together,' of that I can assure you. If I had any... affection at all for Potter, I would not..." Severus cut off uncharacteristically and ran a long-fingered hand over his face.

Throughout the entire exchange Harry could think of only one thing, and that one thing was threatening to overwhelm him at the moment. Hard as he tried, he could not help the whisper of hope that filtered out of him.

"You do love me?" he finally allowed himself to whisper.

Doubt

Disbelief

Severus turned his head and looked at Harry with immense confusion written all over his face.

"You-" Severus began to question, but Dumbledore cut him off.

"As I was saying," Dumbledore said, interrupting them yet again. "What you have to understand, Harry, is there was a time when wizards and witches were hunted. A husband and wife might have been separated by great distances or some terrible skirmish. They needed to know when the other was in need of them, especially during those dark times, and so they created this bond.

"Geheld us Hal can be literally translated as 'keep us safe.' It's a bond that allows one bondmate to know when the other is in need of him by the sharing of his emotions. That is why Severus asked me to explain myself more quickly; he knew you were beginning to panic and he wanted to stop your panic from escalating.

"It also allows you to share magic when you have need of it, and I have a feeling that that particular component of the bond will be very useful in the future," Dumbledore said, his eyes ceasing to focus on Harry as he trailed off, becoming lost in his thoughts.

Harry was growing more distressed by the minute, and Dumbledore's odd behavior wasn't helping. Severus had brewed a potion- a potion that he had found in that book of Malfoy's- and had bonded himself to Harry.

"But- Wait-"

"Potter!" Severus roared. "Calm yourself or there will be no way we can continue this conversation."

"But," Harry stammered, "the book! You used that book? The book Malfoy found during the summer?"

Shame

Guilt

Severus' shoulders slumped, and he lowered his eyes to Harry's feet, looking uncharacteristically ashamed. "Yes, but you must understand-"

"No, I don't understand!" Harry was trying to calm himself but failing miserably. "Which one was it? I mean- I know you wouldn't hurt me, but- Was it the slavery potion?"

Severus sputtered, and his face took on an almost insulted look of disbelief. "I beg your pardon?"

"The potion!" Harry asked once again, his face terror-stricken. "Which one did you use?"

Severus gaped and then glared at Harry incredulously. "Are you asking if I have enslaved you, Potter?"

Harry was in such a state of panic that he failed to realize what he was asking. All he could think was that Draco had administered a potion to Severus who had, in turn, bonded himself to Harry. Perhaps it hadn't been Severus' fault-

"No, I did not enslave you, Potter. What in Merlin's name is going on in that miserable excuse for a brain of yours?"

That was one scenario down, then, but a hundred other possibilities were swirling around in Harry's head, his terror rising to a fever pitch. "Then what was it? The one that-"

"It was a protection potion, Potter! It is a potion that allows me to know when you are in danger, when you are in need of me, and the same for you. It simply allows me to know what you are feeling in case you are... in need of me."

Harry forced himself to slow down and listen to Severus' words, filtering them through his knowledge of Malfoy's book and trying to understand exactly what Severus had done.

Something occurred to him and he met Severus' eyes. "Can you read my thoughts?"

Severus scoffed. "Oh, for Merlin's sake. Have you been listening to a thing we have said? This is a bond between lovers, Potter, usually people who were already married."

Harry blinked, his mind still moving too quickly to process what was happening.

Severus sighed and rubbed his temples again. "Tell me, Potter, would you really want your wife to know your every waking thought?"

Harry sputtered, hardly able to understand the question.

"Would you really want to come home and think to yourself, 'By Merlin, if Sheila's made the pot roast again I'm going to hang her by her entrails and feed her to the dog,' and have your wife hear it?"

Harry took in the exasperated state of the man before him and let his thoughts slow down.

"No, I suppose not."

Severus nodded.

"But what about... er... the other things? Like forcing someone to... you know... desire you?"

Severus gritted his teeth. "Do you really think that a husband would want his wife to suffer without his touch?" Harry frowned and shook his head. He hadn't thought of that.

"Do you think a husband would want his wife to suffer at all?"

"No," Harry whispered, but he had to ask one more question. "But what about-"

Severus slammed his fist on the table by the sofa. "This is a love bond, Potter! How could you possibly think I would wish to do anything like that to you?"

Harry stiffened at Severus' words. He paused a moment and asked again, "You really love me?"

Severus snapped his jaw shut, and once again Harry felt guilt and shame flowing over him, the feelings not his own.

"Yes, Harry," Dumbledore said, smiling. "Love had to be present for the bond to work. There are many protection bonds. The bond Severus chose is one of the strongest. It is irrevocable and can only be shared by those who truly do love each other. It had to be this bond, my boy. That is what I meant earlier when I said that all was well." Dumbledore said all of this with a smile, as though everything he was saying made sense to Harry, and made everything better.

Harry shuddered as he felt Severus' shame increase and watched as the man bowed his head.

"It did not have to be this bond, Albus. I haven't the first idea why a love bond was chosen, but any protection bond would have served."

Harry looked at Severus quizzically.

"It is the strongest protection bond, Potter. From now until the day one of us dies, I will know when you are in need of me," Severus said softly.

Emotions ran through Harry in a surge at Severus' confession. At once he felt guilt, and relief, and hope, and yes, a surge of what he knew was love for the man in front of him. His heart sped up and he couldn't contain the smile from stretching across his face.

"So... you weren't lying then? Yesterday, I mean. When you said you loved me, that... that you wanted to make-" Harry cut off as Severus looked at Harry with pain written across his features and washing over Harry through the link.

Dark eyes met green, and Harry had never seen Severus look so defeated. "I'm sorry, Potter. I did not lie to you; not exactly. However, what I said was as good as a lie. If I had been in my right mind, I would never have said those things. I would not have bound myself to you in the first place."

"Severus," the headmaster interjected harshly. "We have spoken about this. It had to be this bond. This was fated-"

"Fated?" Harry asked, that one word alarming him to a degree that even the use of a potion had not. "What do you mean it was fated?"

Severus sighed and glared at Dumbledore. "The headmaster is sharing his opinion with us. Perhaps it is fated that I protect you, as I have always done. That, however, does not mean that any of this... romantic entanglement is necessary."

"Severus." Dumbledore stood with his back to Harry, putting his body between them. He could tell that the older man was standing very close to Severus and could feel his irritation. "I insist you put a stop to this, now. If you were meant only to protect Harry, then there are a multitude of simple protection bonds. That is not what has happened. You must believe there is a reason for all of this." Dumbledore paused and stepped away from Severus, addressing them both. "And aside from that, there will be no one else for either of you now."

Severus pulled away and took a step back. "There was never going to be anyone for me in the first place, Albus. As for Potter, he can go about doing whatever he wishes and it will make no difference to me."

"That's a lie," the Headmaster said, his voice growing harsher. "It would kill you if Harry were to stray."

Harry frowned and voiced his confusion. "Would you both please stop talking about me as if I wasn't here? And what did you mean what you said it was as good as a lie? Do you love me or don't you?"

Severus unwillingly answered Harry's question without words, a surge of love and desire washing over Harry like a flood. Whereas before he would have described Severus' feelings like a warm blanket covering his flesh, now he felt he could almost smell them.

Severus did love him.

"And why- why would I stray if I have you?" he whispered.

"Because you do not have me, Potter. The bond is in place, meaning I will be able to help you if you are in need, and we will be able to share magic to a certain extent. That alone will be enough to aid you in your eventual fight against the Dark Lord."

Dumbledore's eyes met Harry's and he stated plainly, "It's the prophecy, Harry. The power the Dark Lord knows not."

Severus' eyes widened as he took that statement in, and Harry muttered, "Oh, God;" drifting a moment in his and Severus combined shock. Harry felt Severus' rage grow, and he saw the man clench his jaw to hold back his anger.

After a moment Severus forced, "Yes," through his gritted teeth, and Harry felt his frustration clearly.

"This is it?" Harry asked, bewildered. "The prophecy? The power I have that he doesn't have?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said, smiling. "The love you have for each other must be very strong for this bond to have properly formed. Voldemort has no knowledge of such love. The love you share will only mature the bond in time; deepen it. The more time you spend together, strengthening the bond, the more powerful it will become-"

"Love has nothing to do with this, Albus. I will protect Potter, and the bond will allow me to do so. There is no need for any further... emotional entanglement."

"Balderdash," Dumbledore spat, his eyes angry. "Severus, why are you being such a fool?"

"Why are you interfering where you are not wanted?" Severus returned in equal measure.

"Because you are making a very large mistake and I will not stand idly by and allow it this time!"

Severus looked as though he had been slapped, and a feeling of righteous indignation flowed through Harry.

"I will not do this, Albus, and nothing you say can force me."

"No," Dumbledore said, "and I wouldn't. I would, however, have you see the truth."

"Truth?" Severus scoffed.

"Some things are meant to be-"

Severus turned away and gave his back to Dumbledore.

"Some things are meant to be, Severus. Have you not always thought that it was meant to be you who delivered the prophecy-"

Severus whirled around and interrupted the headmaster before he could finish.

"You would put so much stock in Fate, Albus? Perhaps you have that right, since you've been treated so kindly by them..."

Dumbledore's face crumpled a bit at Severus' words, but the man continued.

"I, however, am tired of having my life dictated by unseen forces and I will not allow myself to be manipulated once again!"

"You already have been, Severus," Dumbledore said plainly. Harry felt it as Severus deflated and defeat washed over him. "This is not up for discussion. It would be very difficult for either you or Harry ever to be with another. And why would you want that when you are so perfect for him? Harry obviously sees it; why can't you?"

"Because Potter is a seventeen-year-old boy who was seduced by someone he viewed as a friend and has no idea what love truly is!"

"Shut up!" Harry suddenly shouted, rage flowing through him. Severus and Dumbledore turned to him, startled at this reminder of his presence. "How dare you! Both of you, talking about my life in front of me when I hardly understand what's going on."

"This is all you need to understand, Potter." Severus advanced until he was looming over Harry, the scent of the man invading Harry's senses, and Harry had to stop himself from closing his eyes and inhaling. "I will protect you with my life, and after this moment we will never have to speak to each other again."

And in a moment Harry's heart fell and his breath left him, as though Severus had physically punched him in his stomach.

Severus winced and closed his eyes.

"There, Severus," Dumbledore said, softly. "How does that feel? Are you willing to go your entire life feeling that?"

Severus opened his eyes, his pain and torment so obvious that Harry had no need of the bond to feel it.

"Potter is young. I'm sure a better proposition will come along shortly."

Harry seethed, tightening his fists and biting his lip to keep from screaming the first thing that came to mind. The nerve of Severus to speak about him like this, and in front of him, as though he wasn't there! Harry didn't dare open his mouth to respond, though the look on Severus' face showed he seemed to understand well enough.

"It is both your fates to be together in this way, Severus. The bond needs to be matured. Surely you know this," Dumbledore said, his tone growing exasperated.

"It is mature enough," Severus responded.

"Do you believe it possible to share magic as the bond is now?" Dumbledore asked, his tone conveying his disbelief.

Harry was perplexed, not truly understanding what the two were speaking about, but said nothing. He watched, oddly fascinated, as Severus closed his eyes and the room fell back into silence.

Harry grew nervous after a moment, not knowing what was about to happen. He opened his mouth to ask what they meant by sharing magic, when suddenly he felt Severus in a way that was different from before.

Quite suddenly, Harry could feel the thing that was connecting them. It was as though there was some sort of a string between them and Severus was attempting to tug on it. Harry could feel Severus pulling at something inside of him, but whatever it was would not give.

"A small amount, which should be sufficient to aid Potter."

Dumbledore shook his head. "No, Severus. The bond must be matured. You and Harry must be together for this to work."

"How do you know all this, Albus?" Severus asked angrily. He began to pace the sitting room, looking at the headmaster as though he were only just seeing him. "How did you know to be here in the first place, for that matter?" Severus asked, and Harry turned to hear the answer, both feeling and sharing Severus' confusion.

Dumbledore, however, would not be distracted. "That is not important. What is important is that I know this bond must be matured. As this is a love bond, it must be matured by your gradually growing relationship."

"How convenient that all of this is fated..." Severus muttered under his breath.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "You doubt that, Severus?"

Severus said nothing, but Harry could feel his doubt.

"Perhaps a demonstration?"

Severus looked up at that.

Dumbledore took a few steps back and turned towards Harry, removing his wand from his sleeve. "I'd like to do a little test, if I may, Harry."

Harry watched as Severus crossed the sitting room in two wide strides, the other man coming to stand in front of him like a shield. "What manner of test?"

Dumbledore smiled. "How is Harry coming along in Occlumency?"

Confusion

"He isn't. Potter is perhaps even more inept in the discipline than he was two years ago. He seems completely unable to grasp the concept of mind magic."

Dumbledore nodded and aimed his wand at Harry. "I'd like to try something out, Harry."

"Albus, what are you doing?" Severus asked, his voice sounding gruff and a tentative fear flowing over him. He did not miss how Severus stood in front of him, almost inching his body toward Harry's.

"I'm simply going to cast Legilimens, Severus. There is no need to be so defensive."

"To what purpose? I have already told you it is pointless. Potter's mind is an open book. If I so desired, I could make him believe he is a very special episode of Fawlty Towers."

Dumbledore grinned and said, "Be that as it may, I would still like to try something." He waved Severus away. Severus looked back at Harry and slowly moved to expose him to the headmaster's wand.

"Now, Severus, I'd like you to raise your own shields-"

"There is hardly a waking moment when they are down," Severus interrupted.

"Good. Now, raise your own shields, but I'd like you to imagine they are encompassing Harry."

Severus scoffed. "Impossible. There is no way to shield a person's mind for them."

Dumbledore's grin only grew. "Humor me."

Harry grew more wary at Severus' hesitation to Dumbledore's idea. He had no clue of what to expect; he only knew that he was not looking forward to Dumbledore rooting around his mind, especially after the events of last night.

"Now, Harry, try to relax. I imagine this will be over very soon. Legilimens."

The spell hit Harry and it was as though an invisible wall had been erected, completely shielding his mind. Harry could recognize Severus' presence; covering his thoughts but not penetrating them. He could also sense a foreign invader trying to gain access to his mind, but he knew it was nothing compared to the strength guarding him.

There was no way past Severus' shields.

After a few moments, Dumbledore ended the spell, and Harry turned to Severus, not having suffered the forceful invasion of another mind.

Disbelief

Consternation

Denial

"No," Severus whispered.

Harry felt Severus' astonishment increase as he turned to look at him. Dark eyes met green, and Harry knew they were thinking of the same moment.

Both their minds were currently running over that day in August, and Harry's insistence that it could be fate that he could not learn mind magic.

"It would appear Harry no longer needs to learn Occlumency," Dumbledore said plainly.

**************

Severus' hands were shaking. If he had been in the presence of any other person, he would have attempted to blame it on the cold and the fact that he was barely dressed.

But any such attempts at subterfuge would be completely pointless while in the company of the young man before him.

His mind was in chaos.

In no reality was any of this a possibility. Harry might no longer be a boy, but he could not be trusted to know himself this well- well enough to make a decision that would affect the rest of his life.

And yet the revelation of the prophecy could hardly be ignored.

He stood there in silence, his eyes meeting Harry's as they shared a mutual feeling of disbelief and awe, both overwhelmed.

Still, Severus tried to deny the truth that was staring him right in the face, damning supreme beings for meddling in the lives of men who ought not to be meddled with.

Tempt not a desperate man.

"Do you understand now, Severus?" Dumbledore asked kindly. "It had to be this bond and you and Harry have to be together if any of this is going to work. Now, I don't know exactly what 'together' means for the two of you, whether or not Harry will have to move back down to the dungeons..."

Severus' eyes went wide and a streak of terror ran through him, Harry's eyes catching his own in confusion.

No, Severus thought. He had suffered enough when Harry had lived with him during the summer. It had been agony having the one he desired most with him constantly, and it would be impossible to bear now that Harry was so convinced that he loved him.

Severus had doubted he would survive the summer, yet he had. Still, something told him he would not be able to bear having Harry in his home, as his lover, and have him leave again him, as he knew he would...

"No," he whispered.

"Now, Severus-" Dumbledore began, but Severus cut him off with a roar.

"I said no, Albus!" Severus allowed his every emotion to be revealed on his face, the stark contrast to his normally expressionless features a testament to how far out of his depth he currently was.

"I will not be manipulated into this. I did not choose this."

"Wait," Harry said, his voice soft.

Severus whirled around to see Harry looking at him curiously, the glimmer of hope in his eyes piercing through the darkness of Severus' battered soul.

"I don't understand. You're not angry with me?" Harry asked, but why he was asking that particular question Severus had no idea.

He knew that he could no longer lie to Harry, however, and so Severus could do nothing but shake his head and say, "No. Why would I be angry with you?"

Harry's face paled and he lowered his gaze shamefully. "I- I took advantage of you last night. When you were-"

"Potter," Severus interrupted, feeling a pang of remorse at finally understanding where Harry's guilt came from. "You did no such thing and I fail to understand how you even think it. It was I who violated you. A mistake we will both be paying for the rest of our lives, it seems."

Harry's presence in his mind grew impossibly more distressed. "Mistake?" he whispered.

Severus sighed and nodded. "Yes, Potter, a mistake."

The headmaster interrupted him, his eyes cold. "Severus, I know what you are about to do. I beg you, please don't do it."

Severus didn't even bother to address the headmaster's concerns. It was none of his affair.

"But- I'm sorry," Harry said sadly. "I know you think I'm stupid, and maybe I am..."

Severus closed his eyes at Harry's honest self-depreciation. All he wanted was to hold him close, tell him that he was of completely normal intelligence and actually quite brilliant at defense, and force that awful sense of self-worth he had away.

"You are not stupid, Harry," he said.

Harry's eyes went wide and he looked down, concentrating on the bone structure of Severus' cold, slipper-less feet.

"Then... If you love me, then why was this a mistake? Why would you not want to be with me?" he said slowly, and Severus could feel his growing dread.

He hated what he would have to do, but better it be done now than later on; before Harry left of his own accord, having realized he had taken up with a monster.

"This will not happen, Potter."

Harry's face twisted in confusion and pain. "Why not?"

"Because I do not wish it," he answered shortly.

"But... That's not an answer. You love me! I know you do. If you love me, if we're bonded, if we can't be with anyone else," Harry said, frantically ticking away all the reasons for Severus to acquiesce, to allow Harry in his life, "then why would you not want to be with me?"

"Indeed, Severus," Dumbledore interrupted again. "All of your denials are for nothing; the bond is already in place. There will be no breaking it, and this is something that most definitely should not be broken. I beg you- don't do this."

Severus seethed. Why was the old man here in the first place when none of this was his concern? He turned to Harry, who seemed so certain that their current predicament was a thing to be celebrated when Severus knew the one truth that transcended all the others.

He would never be worthy of Harry.

"If the bond is in place and Potter no longer needs to learn Occlumency, then there is no reason for us to linger any longer. We will see each other for class, and if it were my choice I would not allow him in my presence even then."

Harry's features twisted and he quickly went from confused to angry. "But why? You still haven't told me why! You say you're not angry with me, but I don't understand. Why won't you be with me? You love me, I know you love me."

Severus looked at Harry gravely and knew that he could offer nothing less than total honesty. Harry knew exactly what he was feeling; could see the evidence he tried so hard to dismiss as plain as day. There would be no lying to him, not anymore.

He was forced to tell the truth.

"What does it matter if I do?"

Harry blinked, and his entire face screwed up in agitation.

"Because you said... You said all those things, and I know- I know you meant them!"

"I have already told you, Potter, that those promises were uttered while under the influence of a potion. I was not in my right mind and my choice had been stripped from me."

"But-"

"No buts, Harry. I did not choose this; I would never have done this to you."

Harry gave a desperate sob, and gulped down a breath. "But, I don't understand why not. If you love me and I love you-"

"You do not love me," Severus said, interrupting him. "You are far too young to understand the sentiment."

Harry seethed and his face went red, his emotions lurching from angry to furious in an instant. Severus could see the change clearly on his features, but feeling Harry's anger grow so quickly nearly caused his throat to constrict.

"How dare you be so condescending to me after everything- after everything you know I've been through! How dare you tell me I don't know what love is!"

"You are seventeen years old," Severus stated plainly. "That is far too young to be planning the rest of your life."

"Damn you," Harry said in a fierce whisper. "How dare you doubt me, after everything we've been through together, after all you've learned about me, how dare you say that to me."

Harry turned away from Severus and Dumbledore and looked towards the fire, his breath heaving and his hands pulling at his hair.

He turned and Severus was astonished at the picture he made; how incredibly powerful his anger was, how beautiful he was even now.

"I do love you, you heartless bastard. I have loved and lost enough people to know what I want, and I want you. I want this." Harry closed his eyes and dragged both his hands through his hair in his frustration. "God, I hate you so much for saying all of this because you know how much I want you."

"For how long?" Severus asked.

"For as long as you'll have me-"

"No," Severus interrupted. "How long have you wanted me?"

Harry opened then closed his mouth and took a step back.

"At your age is it very easy to confuse infatuation with love, Potter. I would not hold it against you if you fell into that trap. You do not love me and I doubt that you are capable of it."

Rage not his own washed over him and Severus swore it was as though a fire had been lit inside him.

"Maybe I was slow to realize it, but I do love you, I do want you. I've wanted you for months and I just didn't know it."

"And when exactly did you realize this, Potter? Around the time my cock entered your arse, or after I made you come?"

"Fuck you!" Harry swore.

"Severus!" Dumbledore yelled. "I beg you to stop this before it goes too far."

"Stay out of this, old man!" Severus turned to finally unleash his anger, his resentment towards the headmaster, wishing he had the power to banish the man from his rooms.

"Don't talk to him like that!" Harry yelled.

"I will speak to him in any way I see fit, Potter, when he is meddling in my affairs," Severus responded.

"Our affairs, you fucking bastard." Harry's eyes met his own and he gritted his teeth. "I hate you so much right now."

"Yes, because it's easy to go from one end of the spectrum to the opposite when you are young. Trust me, Potter, I will be a distant memory for you in a few months' time."

"That is not possible, Severus. The bond is unbreakable. Harry is as much a part of you now as you are a part of him." Dumbledore attempted to situate himself between Severus and Harry but Severus advanced on him, realizing he was hardly formidable in his dressing gown but unwilling to give up any ground all the same. "Severus, you are coming very close to completely destroying my faith you."

Severus had had enough of Dumbledore spewing his lies. "Shut up, Albus!"

"My God!" Harry exclaimed. "Why are you doing this? I can feel how much you love me; I can feel how much it's killing you to say all this. Why are you saying it?"

"You truly wish to know, Potter?" Severus asked, his teeth clenched. "Allow me ask you a question- when exactly did you realize that you preferred men?"

Harry opened his mouth to scream in anger, then shut it just as quickly.

"Are you a homosexual? Bisexual?" Severus asked.

Harry lowered his head and closed his eyes. "I don't know."

Severus sneered. It was as he had thought. His guilt and shame only multiplied as he thought again of Harry in his bed, how all of it was a lie.

"There is no need for dramatics, Potter. Many young people experiment at this point in their lives-"

"It wasn't an experiment. I love you, you fucking bastard!"

"You do not," Severus answered. "Tell me when you first realized that you were attracted to men, Potter. How old were you? Ten, twelve? Younger?"

Harry said nothing; he simply stood there, his face pale and his teeth clenched.

"I knew I was attracted to men before I even set foot in this school. So I ask you again, Potter, exactly when did you realize that you love me- was it before or after I had my cock in your arse?"

"Fuck you," Harry whispered. He shook his head and hysterical laugher bubbled out of his throat. "I'm sorry," he said in an equally soft voice.

Some queer sense of compassion came over Severus, and he took a step back. Harry no longer looked enraged, no longer looked as though he was out of control of his emotions. An odd maturity settled on him as he took in Severus and he could swear Harry was seeing right through him.

Harry took a step, advancing on Severus, his eyes hard and his lips set in a sneer. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm sorry if you're the first man I've ever been attracted to. I'm sorry if I spent my formative years being chased by a madman."

The volume of his voice increased and his face grew red as he continued. "I'm sorry that I was so miserable I couldn't see straight during the years I should have been chasing cock and skirt."

"Harry..."

"No! I'm sorry if I didn't fuck any other guys before I fucked you. I didn't know I was going to be given a test after we went to bed."

Severus wanted to lower his eyes, but seemed to be unable. Harry's stare was all-encompassing and he felt blasted open and remorseful.

"Harry, I'm sorry-"

"No! No, you don't get to be sorry right now. You want to know? I'll tell you! I'm sorry if you're the only person I want. I know it's not normal and I know any other guy would have been using everything he had to get as much sex as possible but I was dying before I had you!

"Don't you understand that, you heartless bastard? Of all people, I thought you would understand! You were there! You saw! How can you ask me these things when you knew it was the furthest thing from my mind? I'm sorry if I didn't develop my gay reputation before I slept with you, but you're the first- the first person I've ever fallen in love with."

Harry was breathless as he finished his tirade and Severus was speechless. He sought to deny what Harry was saying, needed something with which to push him away.

"If you say you are only comfortable with me, that only further establishes my point. You see me as a crutch, something you will outgrow when you leave childhood."

Harry glared and he sneered his response. "I'm not a child. Don't you dare call me a child."

"You are a child when it comes to this. You have no idea what you are getting yourself into, Harry," Severus said, his anger growing yet again.

"And you? Do you often go around fucking children?"

Rage roared through Severus at the accusation and, before he had time to consider what he was doing, his hand raised, almost of its own accord, the back of it slapping Harry across the face.

Several things happened all at once.

Dumbledore shouted his name before nearly flying across the room to grab Severus' hand, as though he needed to keep him from beating Harry further.

Self-loathing, guilt, and terror ran through Severus as he realized what he had done. And just as he turned his eyes onto Harry, whose face was still turned away with the force of the assault, a terrible sensation came over him and he felt an almost physical fist collide with his face, hitting him in the exact way he had hit Harry, only with twice the force.

He recoiled and Dumbledore lost his hold on him, the blow nearly sending him to the floor.

He looked up at the only other occupant in the room who could have delivered the blow, but Harry was standing there looking crestfallen and confused.

His beautiful face was twisted in a sneer and a red hand mark marred the paleness of his cheek. Green eyes were looking at him with such anger that Severus was tempted to retreat.

Harry bit his lip, made a fist with his right hand, and pulled his arm back.

"No, Harry, wait!" Severus tried to grab his fist, but Harry lowered it.

"It would appear that the bond has some level of protection against your bond-mate as well, though I would not have thought either of you would have need of it," Dumbledore said, his voice dripping with disappointment.

Harry looked at Severus, then shook his head in amazement.

"Are you still trying to protect me, Severus? Even after all that?"

Severus said nothing and lowered his gaze to the floor, unwilling to see the damage he had done.

"I think I understand now," Harry said, his voice no more than a whisper. "You really do hate yourself, don't you?"

Severus looked up and met Harry's eyes.

"I'm- I'm having a hard time understanding what you're feeling. I know that you love me, but there's this hate- and I don't understand it completely, but I think I'm starting to."

Harry adjusted his glasses, his eyes piercing straight through Severus.

"You really do hate yourself, and that's why you think I could never love you. It has nothing to do with me, does it? You just- you just hate yourself so much-" Harry broke off as a tear fell from his eye. "And you just can't understand how anyone could love you."

Severus shook his head, unsure of what exactly he was denying.

"You- you love me. Can't you trust me? Can't you trust that I know you well enough to say that I want you? Please? Can you not think- think enough of me to trust my opinion? You're- you're everything to me." Tears flowed freely down pale cheeks, one highlighted red in the shape of a hand screaming Severus' sins back at him.

"I love you. Can you not trust that?"

Severus was undone. He thought if Harry had asked him for anything else- his heart on a platter, the headmaster's heart on a platter, anything at all- he would have given it to him. He had never been able to deny Harry anything he asked of him, not since that night in the infirmary. He knew he would give Harry anything he was able.

"Please," Harry begged.

But not this.

A foreign noise slipped out of Severus' throat and he thought it might have been a sob. He raised a hand and lowered his head, bidding Harry to stay away from him.

"Leave," he ordered.

Harry balked. "But-"

"Do you not understand? I did not choose this, I did not choose to be with you! After all our time together can you not understand that? Of all things, you should know that I would not want to have the very thing that makes me human stripped from me."

"But if this was meant to be-"

"You can stand by and allow Fate to dictate your life all you like, but I will not allow that to be done to me."

"Severus," Harry whispered pitifully, and he extended a hand towards him.

For an instant, Severus thought of how easy it would be to take Harry's hand; how badly he wished to pull Harry towards him, feel his body against his again. He allowed himself to imagine some separate reality where he was a different person, a man not so tainted, a man more worthy of Harry. He allowed himself one brief moment of weakness to imagine taking that calloused, pale hand in his own and keeping Harry with him always.

"No," he said, and brought himself back to his reality. No, he could not do this, he could not do this to Harry.

"Leave and do not return, Potter. You are no longer welcome here," he said in a soft, broken voice.

Harry's beautiful features twisted and fresh tears began to fall.

"I'm sorry... I- I don't know what to do," Harry said, sobbing. "I don't know what you need and I know I'm supposed to give it to you and I'm sorry."

"I require nothing. I don't know where you get the idea-"

"Because I'm supposed to protect you, too! I'm supposed to help you and love you and I don't know how."

Severus put his face into his hands and summoned all his strength, all the venom he would need to send the one shining light in his life away forever.

"Leave, Potter, and take your pathetic attempts at heroism with you," he sneered.

"Stop it, Severus... For God's sake-"

"I did not choose this, and I will not have my will taken from me. Pick whichever reason you prefer, whatever will allow you to see that I do not want you!"

Harry's eyes were glassy as he recoiled and Severus felt his heart breaking. Harry fled. He spun around and ran out the door as though hell were chasing him.

And just like that Harry was gone.

Severus briefly recalled a dream he had had in the summer; an image of Harry calling him a monster and recoiling from his touch.

That would have been so much easier to bear. Even now he could feel Harry's need, his desire for him. His departure from the room meant nothing and only served to increase Severus' torment; Harry's emotions swelling within him, overwhelming him.

Miserable, Severus sank into his chair and put his head in his hands, completely forgetting that he was not alone.

"Are you proud of yourself, Severus?"

He looked up, surprised that the headmaster had not left yet.

"Incredibly," he answered. And he nearly was. If he had been slightly less in control of himself, he could have easily allowed himself to take what had been on offer- damning himself in the process.

"Do you have any idea what you have done?" Dumbledore asked gravely.

Severus nodded. He could not begin to describe the emotions running through Harry or the instinctive pull felt; something inside him telling him his bondmate had need of him.

He ignored it.

"I paid him a kindness, Albus. I cannot burden him. Not Harry."

Dumbledore walked around the room until he was standing in front of Severus.

"Look at me," he commanded.

Severus continued holding his face in his hands, not willing to obey any command barked at him. "I am not some errant schoolboy you can order around when you believe I have behaved poorly."

Dumbledore grabbed both of Severus' hands and pulled them out from under him, forcing him to look up. Severus sneered and snatched his hands back, horrified at having been touched as though he were one of Albus' charges.

"Unhand me, Albus! For Merlin's sake- I am not a child."

"You are acting like a child. Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"I did the boy a favor. I'll not have him-"

"You did nothing but break his heart! I never thought you could be so selfish, Severus. Never in all our time together have I seen you behave so poorly, thinking only of yourself."

Severus grew angry at the false accusations.

"Selfish? You dare call my behavior selfish? You can't actually conceive that I wanted to do that, that it brought me any joy. If I had any less self-control I would have taken him as my own, kept him for myself, and never allowed another to touch him. I would have made him mine completely, and I his. That is how badly I desire him."

His darkest sins broadcasted, Severus sank into his chair, his misery growing.

"I fail to see how that is selfish," he muttered softly.

"I believe he wants you just as badly, Severus."

Severus shook his head. "You are both fools."

"No, Severus. The only fool in this room is you. You are throwing away something precious because you think yourself unworthy. What you don't seem to realize is that it does not fall to you to determine whether or not you are worthy of him." Dumbledore paced the area in front of Severus, his eyes dark and glaring. "You think you're doing Harry a favor by abandoning him, by removing him from his sanctuary?"

"I did what was best for him-"

"You did what was best for yourself!" Dumbledore roared. "You have always been selfless, Severus; I had no idea you were capable of this."

Severus endured these accusations in silence, having no desire to continue defending himself to a man who had no idea what it felt like to be so manipulated. Dumbledore had never been wielded as Severus had been- both by higher powers and by the headmaster himself.

"Do you have any idea how fortunate you are? How happy you should be that Fate has smiled upon you so kindly?"

Severus looked up at Dumbledore, now unable to ignore the stupidity leaking from the man's mouth. "Don't you dare speak to me about Fate being kind."

"Fate has seen fit to give you a handsome young man, perfectly suited to you, who loves you as much as you love him. At what point does that become a burden?" Dumbledore asked, his voice stern and his eyes glaring.

"I dislike repeating myself, Albus." Severus met Dumbledore's eyes and repeated himself slowly, "I will not have my free will taken from me."

The headmaster was silent, but his presence commanded Severus' attention and at once he was reminded of exactly why the Dark Lord feared Albus Dumbledore.

"You feel as though Fate hates you? As though you are only a pawn in a larger game?"

"Feeling has nothing to do with it, Albus. That is the reality of the situation."

"Then why not consider yourself lucky and take what has been given to you?" he asked honestly, a pleading tone to his voice.

Severus remained silent, content to watch the fire in the hearth as Harry's anguish raged through him.

"Severus, do you have any idea how fortunate you are? Do you have any idea what I would give to be in your position?"

Severus turned to Dumbledore incredulously. "Don't speak to me of fortune when you have no idea how it feels to be manipulated by powers that have no respect for free will."

"You are not the only one with a destiny, Severus, and you are not the only one to have been manipulated. You think Harry too young to know that he loves you? Smoke and mirrors, Severus. I knew who I wanted when I was his age, but unlike you we did not have Fate on our side."

Severus scoffed at the headmaster's melodrama.

"Not all men have a destiny, Severus.  But you have one, as does Harry." He paused for a moment then continued, "I had one as well."

"Oh?" Severus asked absentmindedly, not truly caring what Dumbledore had to say and wishing he would leave.  His attention at the moment was on Harry, who lingered in some place in his consciousness.

Dumbledore sank onto the sofa and put a hand over his eyes, rubbing his temples in frustration.

"Fate was not as kind to me as it has been to the two of you.  It molded each of us, to be certain, but the two of you...  Harry's fate is to defeat Voldemort.  Yours is to help him.  And mine...  Well, mine has been to help you get to this point.  The three of us have all had our... trials, our time in the fire to refine us, make us strong. You and Harry have endured your hardships separately, but you have each other now- "

Severus turned towards Dumbledore in frustration, tired of his incessant rambling over a subject he already deemed closed. If this were any other man he would have cursed him already and been done with it.

"For once, Albus, speak plainly or get out!"

Dumbledore's eyes darkened and grew cold in a way Severus had never before witnessed.  "You asked what happened to the boy I loved.  His name was Gellert Grindelwald, and he died... by my hand."

The sneer faded from Severus' lips and guilt overwhelmed him as he was shocked into silence.

"That was my fate.  It was the lesson I needed to learn in order to forge ahead, to do what needed to be done. But it was hard won. So forgive me if I have little sympathy for a man whose destiny includes loving a good man and being loved in return."

Severus said nothing; he merely met Dumbledore's gaze in some inadequate attempt at empathy.

"I did not know," he said, knowing that there were far better things that he should have said.

"No. Few did and most of them are no longer with us." He sat stiffly in his chair and turned his gaze to the fire, and Severus took the opportunity to appraise him- a man he had known nearly all his life, yet was somehow seeing for the first time.

"Where is Harry now?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus turned his eyes to the fire as well, trying to distract himself from Harry's distress with the tumbling flames.

"The bond doesn't include a locator spell. I doubt Harry would have appreciated that," he said, his voice low and humble.

"I didn't ask if you knew where he was for certain, Severus. You know him best; where would he go in his grief?"

Severus closed his eyes and he used what he knew of Harry to discern where he would find solace.

"Not the common room, nor the library. He would go to the pitch if he thought it was safe, but he knows not to stray out of the castle at night. After all this time, it seems he has finally learned not to go chasing after adventure."

Dumbledore laughed darkly. "No. I believe he's had enough adventure for one night."

Severus nodded, feeling Harry's grief welling up inside him. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore it, but it would have been just as easy to ignore a knife in his chest.

"He's in the Astronomy Tower."

Dumbledore turned to Severus. "Will you go to him?"

Severus closed his eyes and struggled with Harry's pain as well as his own. It would be so easy to give in; to allow weakness to overcome him and take Harry as his.

"No."

Dumbledore stared at him a moment and before standing up, then walked across the room and opened the door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned to Severus.

"You disgust me."

And then the headmaster was gone.

And Severus was alone.

****************

Harry paid no attention to the stars.

It was still dark out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, the weather unseasonably good for this time of year.

The loveliness of the heavens only mocked Harry further as he felt himself descend into a hopelessness he had never before known.

There was simply nothing to compare it to. He'd had his heart torn out over Sirius and then Ron. But nothing compared to what he had just experienced with Severus.

Severus, who was all around and inside Harry, but whom he had never felt so far away from.

In the end there had been no mixed signals, no words misconstrued leading to terrible misunderstandings. There had been only Severus, who had needed Harry's help and his love, and Harry, who had failed him completely. He hadn't known what to do. How could he fight against such hate? What defense could he present in the face of an entire life spent in self-loathing?

Harry couldn't understand it, and yet he could feel it- a misery so thick and so old Severus didn't even question it anymore.

So many things made sense now. Why Severus had no friends, why he kept himself locked away in his dungeons, why he continually seemed so amazed at Harry's friendship, and disbelieving of his affection.

Harry leaned over the side of the tower, looking down onto the grounds below. He felt as though he were suffocating, Severus' pain threatening to crush him; what he now knew was the bond was screaming at him to help his lover, to make him feel worthy and convince him of his love. Harry could feel Severus' desire for him too, but it meant nothing. Severus didn't want him, not in any way that truly mattered.

And so Harry stood on the hard stone floor of the tower, nearly drowning in hopelessness and despair.

"Harry?"

Harry spun around and attempted not to show his frustration at having his solitude invaded by the headmaster.

"Harry, my boy, I am so sorry," Dumbledore said, extending a hand as he approached, a look of pity and sorrow on his face. "I thought Severus would see reason, but-"

"Headmaster, I-" he broke off as his throat constricted. He breathed as deeply as he was able, and addressed the headmaster again. "I really don't want to talk about this right now."

Dumbledore nodded and then, looking at the sky, took out his wand and conjured two reclining chairs.

"Well, we don't have to talk, Harry. Come." Dumbledore patted a chair and smiled. "Sit with me and let us number the stars while we are still able to see them."

Number the stars? Harry blinked, tired of all the confusion this night had brought, having no idea what had come over Dumbledore. He had hardly cared at all for Harry's pain in the past, always satisfied with a platitude about how he would be fine and an, 'oh that's good, my boy,' before sending him on his way.

Why would the headmaster care now?

"You don't have to do that, sir. I'm fine. I'll go down to my dorm in a few minutes. I just- just want to be alone right now."

Sadness flashed in Dumbledore's eyes before he smiled and nodded, removing his wand from his pocket and banishing the chairs. "Yes, of course. If there is anything I can do for you, anything at all, please tell me. I swear I will do anything in my power to help you."

Once again Harry's throat constricted and he lamented the hopelessness of his situation; that there was nothing to be done, no one that could help. No one he knew that would understand...

"Where's Remus?" he asked suddenly.

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose and he responded, "He's taking care of a bit of Order business at the moment. Would you like to see him?"

Harry nodded then turned away from the headmaster, thinking that though Remus would be angry at the turn of events, he would listen. He knew it wouldn't really help to have his friend there, and yet the idea of having someone to share his misery served to lighten his burden. Having Remus here, if only to keep him company, was the only thing he thought would give him any solace at the moment.

"Then I'll ask him to come at once. I'll leave you to your thoughts now," Dumbledore said, giving Harry one last sad look before turning away.

Looking on the headmaster at that moment, Harry felt very much like an adult looking at a child.

"You know, I really don't want to look at the stars, but- A bit of company would be nice."

His concession had the desired effect and Dumbledore turned back and smiled, making a sharp motion with his wand and watching as the chairs materialized once more. They sat down, Harry's body tense and rebelling at any attempt at relaxation. He looked over at Dumbledore, who was still smiling sadly.

Harry held back his anguish, feeling even more alone for having conceded Dumbledore this small comfort.

However, Dumbledore seemed to understand his need for silence, at least, and so the two sat there in the darkness; Severus somehow between them and Harry having never felt so alone.