Eye of the Beholder

Author’s Note

Chapter 22. Altered Reality
They were both busy in the lab over the next week. Very busy. Snape had Sasha up and running with her fading potion, and he was working on the two potions for the Dark Revel. The first few days were the busiest, getting used to the long shifts of hourly monitoring, and by the end of the first week, they were both exhausted.
 
During this time, Snape began to realize he was becoming more accustomed to Sasha’s presence in his lab. He was so used to working by himself for so long now, it was odd to look up and see her there by his side, day and night. Strangely, he did not find her company annoying, as she was as serious about her work as he was. She was meticulous in her preparations, he noted with ovaloval, and she was comfortable being lost in her own thoughts for hours at a time. She was also curious about what he was doing, and expressed interest in leng hng how to make his Dark potions.
 
Initially Snape was reluctant, as he did not want her involved in any aspect of the Death Eaters activities. However, considering the amount of time they were spending together in the lab, it was inevitable that she would see what he was doing. Besides, he thought, he could actually use the help, and she would be near by anyway, with time available in-between monitoring her own potion. He reluctantly agreed.
 
He had shown her the protected area of the lab where he kept his stock of pre-prepared potions and restricted ingredients. He taught her which ones, and how much, to use then explained the consequences of adding too much or too little of a particular ingredient. She asked questions about the different reactions, and why one ingredient was needed instead of another. She absorbed everything Snape told her, and he was pleased in her genuine interest in his art.
 
As the days progressed, they began to establish a routine. Sasha generally took the 6 a.m. to noon and six p.m. to midnight shifts on her potion, while Snape took the opposite ones. During the midnight to six a.m. shift, Sasha generally spent it in her dorm room, sleeping. The noon to six p.m. shift she either helped Snapth hth his potions, or caught a nap in his office, or bed.
 
She was in the middle of her six p.m. shift, when the house elf came in to clear away their dinner tray. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the experiment, it was inconvenient for her to attend dinners with the few remaining students and staff in the dining hall. Snape used the same excuse to get out of eating there was well, preferring to spend the time in his dungeon rooms.
 
Sasha was sitting on the floor, her back against Snape’s leather couch, and was watching the flickering light of the fire. I am happy, she thought contentedly. I never expected things would have turned out the way they did, but I am glad they have. There are moments when I become a bit frightened with everything that has happened, but if given the chance, I would not change one thing, she thought contentedly.
 
Severus, she thought. When had she begun to think of him as Severus? A gentle smile crept across her face at the thought of him. She felt a warm glow fill her, and she wrapped her arms around herself. She could not remember the last time she had felt so good. After their night together, before the fire, he had relaxed considerably around her. When she was taking a nap between monitoring times, she would awake to see him sitting on the edge of the couch, just staring at her. Sometimes she would wake up with a blanket covering her, and she knew he had tucked her in. It was the small things he did for her that showed his affections, as she knew he was not the type to voice them.
 
She watched him work in the lab, while he was preoccupied with potipotions. He was a different man than when he was teaching, she realized. He was more relaxed, and he could focus his whole attention on what he was doing. He would have been an excellent researcher, she thought. If only he never got involved with the Death Eaters. If only...
 
She closed her eyes and lay her head back, resting it against Snape’s thigh. She felt his hand reach down and lightly stroke heir iir in response. The simple touch was so reassuring, so relaxing to her it brought a warm smile to her face. She remembered back to the last time that she was sitting on this same rug, and her smile widened into a wicked grin.
 
"I can just imagine what thoughts are going through your devious little mind right now, to bring such a look to your face," she heard him say in his sarcastic voice. By now she knew not to take any offence at this, but she opened her eyes and looked up at him, a blush starting to cross her cheeks. His piercing black eyes were staring right back at her.
 
She looked away quickly, trying to stop the fluttering she was feeling in her stomach at his gaze. He still had the power to make her nervous. Snape laughed silently at her. It was so easy to read her thoughts as she carried them on her sleeve.
 
She rolled over and looked up at him, a serious expression on her face. "Severus, can I ask you about something?" she began hesitantly. There was something in her tone that he immediately picked up on. He contemplated her for a moment, tnoddnodded.
 
"What exactly goes on at a Dark Revel?" she asked. "I mean, what do the Death Eaters do, where do they get the… the..."
 
"Unfortunates?" he finished for her.
 
"Yes. And what happens to them afterwards?" She had been curious about this for a while, yet she was unsure how to approach Snape about it.
 
Snape took a deep breath, and exhaled loudly. Bloody hell, he thought. How much should I tell her?
 
She could immediately sense he did not want to talk about this, as his demeanour changed abruptly from the sarcastic teasing of a few moments ago. He steepled his fingers, gathering his thoughts.
 
"Well, where to begin. Generally a Dark Revel is held to celebrate something. A victory for Voldemort, or even a downfall for Dumbledore. Any excuse, really. One of the Death Eaters hosts it, depending on their circumstances. For example, I have never had to host one because I reside here at Hogwarts. Even Malfoy agrees that holding one here in the dungeons would be risking too much."
 
"A date is decided upon, and word is sent out. Once the number of attendees is confirmed, we know how many unfortunates to recruit. The afternoon or evening of the event, a number of the Death Eaters will apperate and essentially kidnap someone. Muggles are preferred, then Squibs, then wizards or witches, in that order. Rarely does one encounter an unfortunate who you recognize."
 
"Has that ever happened to you?" she asked, fearfully. "That you recognized someone who was brought there?"
 
Snape looked at her with his dead black eyes. "Yes," he admitted softly. "It happens very rarely, but sometimes a relative of a Death Eater is knowingly brought in. The Death Eater is then forced to watch or even participate in the torture and humiliation of this person. However, this is generally considered punishment for a specific deed the Death Eater in question did, or did not, do, and it is not a common practice."
 
Sasha’s eyes went wide in shock and horror at the thought. "Doesn’t the victim say something afterwards?" she asked incredulously.
 
Snape looked at her, and was reminded of her naiveté. "If they survive the night, they are generally placed under permanent memory charms. While they just lose an evening of time, and have a hard time explaining the bruises or welts across their bodies, it is the related Death Eater that suffers the most. If they have any conscience, they have to live knowing that they were responsible for the damage caused to him or her. Every time they see that person again, they will have to live with the memories of their screams of pleasure, then pain, then horror." Snape trailed off, and appeared lost in memory.
 
"Has this ever happened to you?" she asked softly. Snape looked at her, his eyes narrowed. He ground his teeth at the memory.
 
"Once, although he was not a relative of mine, and I was not the Death Eater targeted. It was a student of mine, a boy from my own Slytherin house. I watched as they sexually molested him, arousing the defenceless boy. Just before he could find release, they cauterized his urethra shut, forcing his eyes open to make sure he watched."
 
Sasha covered her mouth with her hand and closed her eyes in disgust at the thought. Snape continued.
 
"Of course, after the boy passed out, they magically healed him, and placed the memory charm on him. There was no physical evidence of what happened. However, his mother, the Death Eater in question, remembered everything, and understood the warning the other Death Eaters gave her. She became very devoted to Dar Dark Lord after that lesson." Snape finished, and he could taste bile in the back of his throat. Just the memory of that night made him sick.
 
Sasha was now very afraid, but she had more questions.
 
"What about your potions, then? What do they do?"
 
Snape looked at her then quickly looked away, ashamed of the reminder of his participation in these perverted events.
 
"Ah yes, the potions," he said disgustedly. "As you know there are two. The first potion I make for the Death Eaters. I always pour them into silver vials, so as not to confuse the two of them. They stimulate the nerve endings, and basically increase the users sensitivity to touch and sound and smell. The other is for the victims, and I always place them in green vials. If one consumes this, it will increase the sensitivity while altering the pain threshold. That way the unfortunates do not pass out too soon, and the Death Eaters can continue their torture for longer." This last statement was made quietly, and Sasha could feel the shame radiating off him. She knew he still hated to think that he was still involved in the torture of innocents.
 
They sat there in silence for a while. Snape was deep in thought about the up and coming Dark Revel, and Sasha was thinking of Lucius. She knew he would be more than capable of doing something to harm Sev. Sn. Snape must have been thinking along the same lines, as he turned towards Sasha, and grabbed her wrists in his.
 
His dark look was as intense as she had ever seen it. He was squeezing her hand so hard it hurt her, and he had a snarl on his face.
 
"Sasha I do not want you anywhere near here the evening of the Dark Revel. I do not want to give Lucius any opportunity to exploit you, just to get to me, do you understand? Do you?" He yelled, his voice was very cold and demanding, frightening her.
 
She looked back up at him, the fear and understanding in her eyes.
 
"But what if he does try to find me?" she asked. "What do I do? What would you do?" She looked at him, questioning him.
 
Snape looked at her for a long time, not answering. What the hell would you do, Snape old boy? Try to save her, and get yourself killed in the process? Throw away everything you have done for Dumbledore for the past decade or so, just for her? Blow your cover, and give Lucius an excuse to rat you out to Voldemort again? Snape started to shake. There was no way he would ever survive the torture of the curse ever again. It was this exact reason, his fear of someone finding his one weakness - caring for another human being - which caused his to shun others the way he does.
 
Snape dropped her hand and looked away from her. He could not meet her eyes.
 
"I don’t know," he said quietly. "I honestly don’t know what I would do in that situation, Sasha."
 
The room filled with a deathly silence and the tension mounted.
 
"I do," she said quietly. Snape whipped his head back to look at her before she continued. "Let him have me. It is not worth it, Severus," she said louder, firmer. "You have done so much for so long. To throw it all away over something I most likely will not remember is not worth it. Promise me, Severus, that you won’t do anything to jeopardize your position." She said. "Promise me!" she insisted.
 
Snape’s nostrils flared in anger. "And what happens if an "accident" occurs, and you end up dead? Then what? It happens fairly frequently, you know. I would not be able to live with myself if Lucius tortured you to death!" he yelled.
 
Sasha’s anger rose to meet his. "If you had forgotten already, I knew what I was getting into when we got together. You gave me ample warning, on more than one occasion, and you gave me full knowledge of what the Death Eaters are capable of," she spat. "And I still chose to be with you, despite that! This is my choice, and I want you to know that under those circumstances, I care too much for you to let them get to you! You will not blow your cover!" She was breathing hard now, her emotions getting the better of her.
 
Snape narrowed his eyes at her, and a cold sneer appeared on his face. He spoke between clenched teeth. "Then you are a fool, Sasha, to fall in love with me, and put yourself in such danger." Snape cocked his head to one side and peered at her, his soulless eyes boring into her. "Am I really worth throwing your life away for?" he asked pointedly.
 
She froze, staring at him for the longest time, digesting his last question. The seconds ticked into minutes.
 
"Yes, Severus." she replied firmly, defiantly. "Yes you are. I would rather experience these past few weeks of loving you, and actually living for once in my life, than spend the past decade rotting away, dead inside, not feeling anything but self-pity and remorse!"
 
She stood, the anger and emotion of the moment making her physically shake. "It was my choice to let you know how I felt about you. It was my choice to get involved with you. Now, I am letting you know my choice if Lucius ever gets a hold of me. Don’t come after me."
 
With that she turned and quickly walked back into the lab where she was over due for attending her potion. Snape never saw the tears of frustration, fear and anger in her eyes.
 
Snape watched her go. He could tell she wanted to be alone at this point in time, and decided not to follow her. He was still in shock at her words. In some ways he felt overwhelmed with joy by her admittance that she loved him. However, he also felt a deep, gut-wrenching fear at the realization that there was a good chance Lucius would try to kidnap Sasha for the Dark Revel. Snape knew he did not yet love Sasha, and he did not know what he would do if she were to become an unfortunate. It is the kind of situation one would never want to happen, and you could not predict what you would really do.
 
The only thing he could do at this point was to prepare for the chance it would happen, and protect her at all costs. Snape stood, heading for his bedroom. He gathered his cloak andrf, rf, and headed out the office door. He needed a walk, and time to think.