What Does This Feeling Mean

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Nineteen - Analyzing Love in the Afternoon

The chilly grounds of Hogwarts held on to the unseasonably small amount of snow that covered all it could touch. Despite the warming charm that surrounded me, I could still feel the coolness of the stone seat that I occupied in the courtyard. The sun gave off as much heat as it could from it's angle; positioned where I could freely take advantage of it's warmth.

That same sun had risen and set twice since Boxing Day, and here I sat; a habit I had formed after the night of my birthday.

Draco was not there when I arose that next morning, as I had suspected. Before he had fallen asleep, I felt his reluctance to tell me of his early departure for home. Instead, the pillow he had used held a small box and a piece of parchment.

The parchment, now worn from my constant handling, simply said:


It belongs to you now.
Guard it well, my love.


I had opened the green velvet box next and let my emotional gasp fill the room. A necklace; simple, yet powerfully personal. A silver disc held half of the darkest of Opals, but it was what that particular mineral gripped inside that meant the most. A blood-red Ruby, blindingly bright against the surrounding black and it's shape - unmistakable.

A heart - his heart.

I suppose I appear to be a poor, lovesick fool to those who have seen me out here since then - clutching a necklace and parchment like I would die without them. Yet, they would be right in a way, but no-one knew how deep it actually was.

Too many days have passed since I saw Draco last, and I had yet to hear from him again. With his omen silently hanging in the balance, my state of mind had become far from peaceful. I worried and had the overwhelming urge to protect him from everything that could harm him, but I felt helpless. I didn't know what was going on - if he was okay, or if he was in any kind of danger. That sense of urgency clashed with a feeling of something impending... something that seemed to surround only myself. I felt like I was in a duel; watching the colors of a curse heading straight for me, and as I struggled to decide to either run or fight back, I find that I cannot move. Frustrating, to say the least, and the main reason I had chosen the openness of the courtyard to dwell on these things.

A muffled curse followed by a thump interrupted my thoughts and I looked up at the noise. Getting up quickly, I rushed over to a fallen Harry Potter, trying desperately not to laugh out loud.

"Are you okay?" I asked, suppressing the giggles threatening to break loose. He grabbed the hand I offered in help and after a couple of attempts, he finally got back on his feet.

"Thanks," Harry smiled sheepishly. "I didn't see that patch of ice there." After giving himself the once over, he gingerly started to rub his backside. "Besides the literal pain in the arse, I reckon I'll live otherwise."

With a few near slips, he finally seated himself on the stone bench only to jump back up with an embarrassingly girlish squeal.

"Cold?" The glare I received in answer made me laugh outright. "They have spells for that, you know," I chuckled, waving a warming spell on us both.

"I know that," he sulked.

I smiled in apology, and sat down next to him when my smile was returned. "Was there a reason you risked your bum in coming out here?"

"Oh, right. I was just in the Headmaster's office, and he wanted me to ask you if you would see him after lunch. Don't know how, but he must've known that we would cross paths before then."

I nodded in agreement. "Did he give you his password?"

"Jelly Pops."

"Thanks."

We sat in companionable silence for a while, listening to the birds fly from tree to tree. I still had about an hour before they would start serving lunch, so I was quite happy that Harry had distracted me enough to where I could enjoy this brief bit of solitude.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Harry's voice was so abrupt, that I jumped a little. He had his head down, fiddling with the edge of his coat as though I was going to scold him for asking.

"Of course you can, Harry. What's wrong?" I felt his thoughts compile erratically with a speed I hadn't thought humanly possible. "Merlin, Harry! Are you sure it's just one question?" I laughed.

Harry looked at me in shock before he let out a chuckle. "I forget how easy it is for you to do that," he sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "You know about my past from the readings and how my mother's sacrifice saved me from dying that night? How her love protected me?"

I nodded as he looked at me; knowledgeable of his life, through my inner eye and his own words. I had witnessed and felt Harry's reaction to Dementors when I read him last. His mother screaming his name in an endless torture, turning a maternal miracle into a haunting nightmare. The irony of Harry suffering a Dementor's pull so strongly - all because he held a love so pure within himself...

"I've been told that my ability to feel pain... that love is supposed to be this great power I have." Shaking his head, Harry brought his gaze back down to his hands. "Any kind of love in my life could be compared to a curse. If love is something so good and powerful, why does it make me feel like a Squib?" Harry ended in a whisper.

I swore I could hear my heart break; the sound of delicate glass shattering in the most beautiful of tones, while the aftershock gently rippled it's way through the rest of my body.

The Wizarding World as a whole had many years to mold their own image of the Boy-Who-Lived, mostly fueled by rumors of hearsay and exaggeration. The name Harry Potter alone had grown to encompass a power that could rival the mere utterance of Merlin himself.

I considered myself one of the lucky few who had the privilege to see the man behind the infamous scar. Harry was just, Harry; a literal open book to those who actually took the time to open their eyes long enough to look. Only then could they see what I had seen all along. They would see a brave wizard, powerful enough to stand tall, unrelenting while the weight of the world rested painfully on his shoulders.

"Harry, in all the world, no one deserves to be loved more than you," I said roughly, swallowing the rage that had started to burn in my throat. "And it is powerful within you, because the pain you feel wouldn't be nearly as strong if it wasn't."

"But that doesn't make any sense. Isn't love supposed to feel good?"

"Yes, very much so, but that's only one aspect of it."

When the confusion didn't waver on Harry's face, I sighed wondering how to explain something that couldn't necessarily be described with words. The meaning of love is as rhetorical a question as the meaning of life. Yet, it wasn't hard to understand where he was coming from.

"Harry, are you sure you want me to explain? I mean, I'll try, but I can only tell you what I believe love is and what's true to me. It might not be the answer you're expecting."

Harry nodded eagerly. "That's fine, really. I'm just glad you didn't think I was a fool for asking."

"Of course not! If that were true, then we'd all be fools!" I smiled.

"I was eleven when I used my ability for the first time. Well, the first time on someone I didn't know personally, I should say. After a couple of months, I had to quit, because I was far too young. I had seen and felt things that I couldn't even begin to understand; things that should've very well scarred me for life, and if it wasn't for Divination, they probably would have.

"I learned very quickly how similar we all are, as well as how strong humanity is spiritually. When you look at existence itself... you'd find that every living thing, that every soul, has the exact same path. Every one of us will live and every one of us will die..."

"But then Vol- I mean the Dark Lord..." Harry paused. "If that's true, then why are there ways to live forever?"

"Harry, no living thing can live forever. The very planet we live on will die one day, and take forever with it."

"Gods," came a shuttering breath, "that's a scary thing to think about. Why even bother if we're all going to die then?"

I turned to Harry in confusion, searching for why a wizard would even say such a thing. He's clearly talking about himself, and if nobody ever bothered to tell him... "Harry, did you believe in ghosts before you came to Hogwarts?"

"Ghosts? No, not really. I heard of them but I never actually saw one until I came here."

"And what exactly are ghosts?"

After a few moments, recognition sparked in his eyes. "People who have died?" he asked. "So there's really an afterlife?"

"Yes, there is an afterlife," I smiled with affection. "Now I see why Hermione is always on you guys about reading Hogwarts, A History."

Harry flinched. "Are you serious? That's in there?"

"Two chapters full, I believe."

"Bugger me."

I laughed and stretched my legs out in front of me. "So, back to what I was saying..."

"Right!" Harry snorted. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay, Harry. I had assumed you had already knew about all of that. You do know that each of us has a soul, right?"

"Yes, I know that for a fact," he replied tonelessly.

"Alright. When I looked at life as a whole from that point of view, I found the motivation I needed to continue with the readings. Thank Merlin I did, because I wouldn't have believed it otherwise."

Blindly, I felt my chest until I had a hold of my necklace. "Love is everything. In my readings I felt it; in my life I craved it, and on the night of my birthday, I finally believed it. I feel the truth deep in my heart now, even though it has always been there. It's so hard to put into words. For the first time in my life, my gloves don't feel as heavy. Then again, those same gloves remind me how I got here, and how hard I need to fight to stay." I faced Harry and locked onto his green eyes. "It's the greatest power there is, Harry. Love. Is. Everything."

Harry blinked a few times and though his mouth had opened, he had yet to make a sound.

"Emotions are what make us who we are, in a way," I said as I broke our gaze. "I like to think it's how our souls communicate with us. Each one striving to become whole, to be fulfilled, to be loved.

"If you think about it, it's not hard to see how everything we feel can come from love in some way. Sadness and elation; fear and envy; resentment and mercy, even indifference. Hate..."

"Wow," Harry quietly breathed beside me. "It's true. Even hate can come from love."

"Yeah, it can," I said in agreement. "Hate is love's greatest pain."

We sat in silent contemplation until the soft ring of the lunch bell sounded through the courtyard. After getting the feeling back in the body parts that had gone numb, Harry and I made our way into the school without any further ice incidents. Before reaching the doors to the the noise-filled hall, Harry slowed to a stop and faced me when I stalled next to him.

Running a hand through his hair, mussing it up more than usual, Harry shuffled in his stance.

I hummed in amusement. "Did I answer your question?"

Harry flashed a small smile at my own. "Yeah, you did. I know why I feel so strongly about some things now. In a way, I've always known what it all meant - what it still means. You've actually answered a lot of questions."

"Did I? All I said were just words. My truth is here," I empathized with a hand on my chest. Then I placed the other on Harry's. "This is what you should listen to, Harry. This is your truth. This will never lie to you. Remember that, and you'll never go astray."

The hug that followed was strong and full of warmth. I gave an extra squeeze to the "Thank you" Harry muttered into my hair, and we separated with happy sighs.

Harry gave an exaggerated look of contempt at the jewelry that hung lovingly around my neck. "Malfoy, huh?" he inquired.

I felt my smile grow with hardly any effort, and I playfully shrugged.

"I reckon that saying is true then."

"What saying?"

"That all the good ones are taken," Harry said with a smirk that could rival Draco's.

"Harry!" I laughed, pushing him to start moving again.

"Really, what does he have that I don't have?" Harry chuckled with a quick glance over his shoulder.

"Well, when he smiles, he gets the tiniest widdle-"

"Gah! No! Forget I said anything!"

"And when he kisses me-"

Harry's hands flew up to his ears. "No! I can't hear you! Can't bloody hear nothing about nothing!"

As my laughter traveled through the Great Hall, I sent Harry a silent thanks. He may not have realized it, but he helped strengthen the resolve that had ached in my heart only hours before. I felt recharged, and better equipped to go see Dumbledore, especially should he have any news about Draco.

TBC...