Wizard's Porn

Mr and Mrs Lupin sat at the head of their table breaking all of polite society’s rules of mealtime etiquette as they gently fed each other little nibbly foods from one big plate and ignored their knives and forks. Lysander became a little stroppy as Hermione attempted to feed him with a spoon as he wanted to dig his fingers in too; the tantrum was averted with the assistance of Remus and Narcissa actually picking up their silverwear (well, it was stainless steel as silver wasn’t clever for Remus) and using them to eat with.



Draco had been embarrassed into the next millennium after a discussion about pregnancy and babies began; the guests were shown a picture of him as a baby. The infant Draco was asleep with his head on a toy dragon, his bum in the air and he was completely naked. Much to his embarrassment, the image was permanently on Narcissa’s person in a locket around her neck (the photograph had been enlarged to show all). The other side had had its photo of an eleven-year-old Draco removed to make way for a photograph of the developing foetus.



“‘Cissy, darling you look so radiant today!” gushed one woman in a set of hideous salmon pink dress robes and a hat that appeared to have been eaten by a pink feather boa.



“Thank-you Gloria, but I wasn’t so radiant at half-past-seven this morning.” The bride said with a smile, wondering if the witch before her had an ounce of tact.



“Wedding jitters are mighty powerful...” the pink-clad witch leaned in to speak conspiratively, but the whisperings were loud enough to be head around the head table, “You’re looking a tad bloated, darling, there’s potions you can take for that you know! The dress looks a bit tight around the middle – not a good look for the photographs. What levels has your dress sense sunk to! The robes you’re wearing are so simple – and I hate to say it, boring.”



“Gloria!” Narcissa snapped, “I am not bloated, I’m pregnant. And I’m also highly insulted! Our wedding is a ceremony to celebrate our union! It is not a Milan catwalk or boutique windowpane!”



“Darling, every woman knows her wedding day is about the dress!” the pink woman said as if speaking to a child.



“No, the wedding was the legal binding of two people, I could have worn a potato sack and still been deliriously happy!” the blonde witch hissed, itching to grasp her wand and send a stinging hex to the bitch-in-pink. Gloria was honestly only there to accompany her younger sister, Florence, who had become reclusive upon her Death Eater husband’s kiss. Florence had been abused at the hands of her tyrant husband for yeats, and was afraid of her own shadow; she was a good friend of Narcissa’s, Gloria was a pain in the backside.



“Well really! Darling, seriously, let me get you something for that bloated stomach, it really isn’t becoming on you...”



“Which bit of ‘I’m pregnant’ didn’t you comprehend?” Mrs. Lupin said, showing the foetus photograph to the other witch.



“Eugh? Are you really?” Gloria said, looking at Narcissa as if she was something a dog had passed through it’s bowels, “How vulgar.”



“Get. Out.” Narcissa spat, standing and training her wand on the stupid bitch.



“Pardon? I’m here to escort my sister, and to offer you advice. Darling there are potions that can get rid of those types of problems!”



Narcissa, not able to fight both the cow in front of her and her raging hormones burst into a fit of angry tears. The entire head table all at once had their wands trained upon Gloria.



“My Mother told you to leave.” Draco said, grasping one of her pink-covered arms.



“Yes, and you insulted her, our marriage and our unborn child.” Remus growled, taking a firm grip of the other arm. The two wizards lifted the woman eight inches from the floor and carried her out of the door, over the moat and drawbridge and ‘accidentally’ lost their grip while over a small ditch.



“Narcissa? Are you alright?” Hermione asked, walking around the table to the bride.



“Why did you invite her?” Lucius asked, really uncomfortable at seeing someone so viciously attack his friend, and former wife, with such cruel statements.



“These bloody hormones! Can’t do a thing without bursting into tears!” she laughed weakly, smoothing down her stunning-but-simple pale blue silk dress. “She’s here because Florence asked if she could accompany her... I think it might be a case of Gloria bullying her younger sister to attend.” The room ceased being silent and conversations were forced between the guests after the uncomfortable moment. Nobody really liked Gloria, and Florence looked ready to run for the hills.



“I was a mess with my brood! I still am at times!” Molly said, taking Remus’s previously occupied seat and holding Narcissa’s hand.



“I can’t believe we’re blessed with a baby! The healers said I’d never have any more children after Draco was born, there were so many complications! I get so frightened at times!” she sobbed, curling into Molly as Andromeda took the seat Hermione vacated as she left to put Lysander down for his nap.



*****



In Remus’s study, Hermione sat nursing a glass of champagne as she lost herself in thought. Lysander was curled in his portable cot and was squeezing the octopus for dear life in his sleep; he twitched occasionally and every exhale was punctuated by a soft squeak.



The study door opened and closed rapidly, and a flustered Lucius had a rabbit-in-headlights expression on his face.



“Hide me! The recently divorced pureblood witches have decided that I’m an eligible bachelor! They keep waling past and pinching my rear! And hinting that Malfoy Manor must be so lonely without a mistress in it!” he gasped, trying to catch his breath.



“Oh, well dissalusion yourself and hide...” Hermione looked around the Spartan room in search of a good place... “Erm... hide under Lysander’s cot, but don’t wake him up!”



Lucius vanished under the furniture just in time before a witch in pale yellow robes came in and asked if Hermione had seen Lord Malfoy. Eight witches came to inspect the study, and Lucius remained curled up on his side beneath a sleeping tot for almost ten whole minutes before giving up on hiding.



“I tell you what, how about we start a conversation about something really boring and then the witches might leave us alone!” he said, thanking his moment of genius.



“I hear the flobberworm mating season will begin in the new year.” Hermione said conversationally.



Lucius regretted his moment of genius instantly.





*****



Hermione had just changed a wriggling Lysander’s nappy, as a green-gilled Lucius looked on, when Narcissa floated into the room.



“Oh, I wondered where you were hiding.” She chuckled at Lucius, “I’ve asked the ladies to behave and be a little more discreet. I shouted at Severus for aiming mild stinging hexes at them when they advanced on him.”



“Why didn’t I think of that?” he mumbled.



“Because you’re a gentleman, and Severus was getting cross.” Narcissa replied, moving to assist Hermione getting the little boy back into his miniature dress robes.



“You’ll be doing this soon enough!” Hermione laughed as they managed to get one kicking leg into the little trousers. He was quite happily chewing on the octopus as he reached and pulled a sock off that had just been put on by his Mum.



“I can get some practice in now with this wriggle-bum then.” She replied, tugging the sock back onto a foot that wouldn’t stay still. “These need a sticking charm on them, yes they do.” She crooned.



Remus stuck his head around the study door, and gave the occupants of the room a grim smile, “No offence love, but Lucius isn’t remotely safe as I’ve just caught a witch slipping an illegal love potion into a drink she was going to bring to him...” He turned to the other man, “Lay low for a bit longer, Severus has apperated away to Merlin-knows-where after someone asked him if he was looking for a wife and offered to... erm... play the pink oboe and be a snake charmer.” Remus’s faced flushed as the innuendo left his mouth.



“Wonderful, they want to drug me into love and Severus had abandoned me to save his... well, to save his oboe from being played.” Lucius groaned, sinking down into a chair.



“Ooooh-bowe” Lysander copied, clapping as the room fell into fits of giggles.



Remus came behind Narcissa as Hermione picked Lysander up for a cuddle, he slipped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his nose into her blonde tresses. “Come on, love, we’ve a few hours to rest before the evening reception starts; you look worn out.”



“Can I offer you guest rooms?” she said, turning to Lucius and Hermione.



“I’ll stay down here, if you don’t mind, it’s nice and peaceful – plus the walls are covered in books.” Hermione said, putting the little boy on the floor near a small pile of toys they’d brought with them. Lysander held firmly onto his octopus as he piled little blocks on top of each other.



“I’m staying here too! I don’t want to have a short nap to wake up with a witch I don’t know in my bed! Nobody’s playing my oboe and then demanding marriage!” Lucius said, watching the child knock the small tower down and start again. Lysander babbled to his octopus with a few real worlds thrown in for good luck. Oboe was one of them, much to the room’s amusement.



“Alright then, I’ll see you later.” Narcissa yawned, taking Remus’s offered arm and leaving the room.



Remus whispered to her as they left, and Narcissa burst out laughing, “Enough with the oboe references! And you can wait until later for that!”



*****

The evening reception would begin at seven-o-clock, and with the wedding occurring in the winter season, Haldor was ‘awake’ by five. He was shocked to find Severus Snape sat in the cellar with his coffin (the cellar was the only light-free room in the house, and thus the safest place for a vampire-containing coffin).



“I haff company, it seems.” Haldor said, rubbing his eyes from where he lay in the silk before pushing open the coffin lid. His accent had thinned as he spent more time in England.



“I’m sorry for intruding, but here seemed to be the best hiding place away from the desperate former housewives who want me to propose.” Severus shuddered at the thought; the only marriages he’d ever seen close up were those of his parents and Death Eater friends – and they could never be described as happy. Severus had no intention of letting a woman tie herself to him.



“You do not intrude, I haff only been aware for the past vive minutes or so, I like to get my bearings before I leave my coffin.”



There was silence for a moment in the darkness, before the candles in the room suddenly flickered into life at a wave of Haldor’s hand.



“I thought vampires couldn’t do magic!” Severus said, every defence against the Dark Arts text he’d read (and he’d read a lot) said they couldn’t perform magic easily – a price to pay for becoming the undead.



Haldor finally sat up before swinging out of his coffin and stretching, cracking joints as he contorted his body in a catlike manner. “A powerful vizard or vitch will become a powerful vampire or vampiress. Magic is very different for a vampire, but it is by no means lost. It is rare for a powerful magical person to turn; it is usually only veaker people who seek power – but they do not find it as a vampire’s power comes from within.”



“That explains a lot.” Severus said, the reasoning made sense – if you had powerful magical abilities, you weren’t going to let a vampire bite your neck and turn you. Perhaps that was why vampires were often quite weak and kept themselves to themselves; if their original selves were weak then they wouldn’t want to end up in a confrontation.



“I vould also like to explain something to you.” Haldor said, pulling a large tome from a leather bag at the foot of the coffin, he opened the page to a tabbed section and let the dark wizard read.



Severus’s eyes widened and he looked between the vampire and the page like he was watching a tennis match. He swallowed before taking a deep breath.



“This is true?” he asked quietly.



“Many texts on vampires are not good. They haff been written by vizards who haff only met one or two bad examples of our people… This one was penned a millennia ago by the one who sired me. There are only five copies of this book in existence.”



Severus looked at the front cover and his black eyes widened further, “Dracula? The count Dracula?”



Haldor was slightly confused, “You are shocked?”



Severus nodded, tracing the gold leaf of the title and author’s name with a long finger, “I thought Count Dracula was a myth! Stories to keep DADA students interested!”



Haldor laughed, “Many of the tales are just stories and myth – but he certainly exists!”



Severus read and re-read the page over again, mentally counting the faults with his war-broken body. “The pain would be gone? No more spasms? The pain has been excruciating recently.”



“A vampire cannot become sick, and all illness is vanished upon turning; it is not common knowledge as many vould seek vampirism as a cure to all ails.” Haldor said quietly, smiling gently. “There are reasons that the truth of vampires is not commonly known, that is one of them. We haff many more ‘tricks up our sleeves’.”



“I will give this serious thought, there is a lot to consider. But the offer of a pain-free existence is too good not to look into.” Severus said, still in awe of what he had read.



“Think hard, zer is no going back once turned…” Haldor thought on the wizard’s word choice a moment, “You said exist, do you not mean live?”



“I have never truly lived; I have existed since the day of my conception.” Severus said without emotion as he gave a small polite bow to the vampire and retired to his appointed guest room with the book. He passed Harry on the stairs, and the younger man nodded politely before smiling.



“Hal knows what he’s doing – and he wouldn’t have given you that book to look at if he didn’t think he could help. He could feel your pain in the night when that spasm hit – he’s sensitive like that.”



“I will look into this, Potter. Please excuse me.” He spoke in his ‘professor voice’, but there was no real malice in his words. Someone had finally thrown Severus Snape a lifeline.



*****



The adults sat talking for a while after the door closed as Lysander continued to play, conversation suddenly dried up after Hermione fed him a bowl of mushroom soup with vegetables. Lucius seemed lost in thought as he stared at the boy winding down and becoming more ‘cuddly’ as he tired.



“Sickle for your thoughts?” she asked, looking at her watch and noting it would soon be time for a bath and change of clothes, they’d been talking for hours; up until now, the conversation had flown easily. But she’d put Lysander down for the night before beautifying herself.



“They’re not worth that much.” He said softly, taking a seat next to her.



Hermione gave him her best Slytherinesque smile, “So... is Malfoy Manor lonely without a mistress in it?”



****



I know I’m bad, leaving you with a mini cliffie! This chapter was refusing to work out, so I chopped it up a bit. I’m not happy with it to be honest, and comments or suggestions for this are really welcomed.



I don’t feel like it flows well, and it’s just a bit drab in my opinion – but it was the best of a bad job (trust me, there were some worse re-writes turned up! It was one of those Hell chapters that refused to take shape).



I did want to get across a few things:



(1) Wedding guests you really don’t like but for some reason or another have to invite (and we’ve probably all seen some of them at weddings).



(2) How happy Remus and Narcissa are, I wanted this to seal the deal and end their little part in this... well, the wedding was needed to introduce people to each other – and thus the reason for the vampire is revealed! I couldn’t see Sev recovering into perfect health after all he went through, and here is his hope and opportunity to really achieve his potential in life, well un-death. (Told you it would all tie together nicely!)



(3) The desperation of the single witches that Narcissa has inspired to divorce their Death Eater spouses – I’ve seen this happen, but not on such a scale as drugging! That was where the great escape came in, and promptly got deleted.



(4) Getting LM and HG together so they can talk. Communication is vital in a relationship. Though, the actual conversations were deleted as they dragged.



All polite comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism welcomed with open arms; not-so-nice stuff will meet the evanesco of cyberspace when I press the delete key. I’m not putting up with bad-manners! If you’ve nothing polite to say then keep your fingers off the keyboard! Negative comments that are polite and not insulting will be taken into account.



Thanks everyone! It’s not far from the finale now, maybe 2 chapters after splitting this one up. Maybe a small epilogue... but I think I’ll round it off quite nicely and not need it.





This took some loading up – it kept having bits missed off! Hope it’s all here! I ended up unplugging all the wires from the PC and plugging it into my Mum’s laptop! My PC is a lost cause after 3 powercuts hit it in 4 days! It didn’t like it.