Devil May Care

Dedication: To Simmy, who put up with me for weeks while I worked it out.


Author\'s Note: This chapter was very difficult for me, mainly because of where I left off last chapter. For a long time,
I didn\'t know what Ron was going to do. I had to look at things logically, not just my own personal preference. So,
after a long wait, here we go!

We should be back to regular updates.

The Turning Away

I feel like shit.


There\'s no other way to describe it, really. I am scum. I deserve to die. I should be dragged out behind a barn
somewhere and flayed until I\'m dead. There\'s a special place in hell reserved for people like me.


At least Draco\'s been leaving me alone. He\'s tiptoeing around me, like he\'s afraid I\'ll look at him and remember \'oh
yeah, you. I threw my life away from you!\' and then proceed to beat him or something.


I don\'t blame him. I can\'t. That\'s like blaming....that\'s like blaming the spell, instead of who cast it. Yes, Draco\'s a
major part of my decision, but it was *my* decision. And yes, I hate myself for it, I d I did it and I have to get over
it.


I can\'t even think about him. It just...it hurts. I hope to god he knows that. He has to know. He has to realize how
much this tears me up inside. I mean....


I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could *really* hate myself, but I can\'t. And that\'s the damn worst. I
know I\'ll get over this. I have to get over this.


But the way he looked at me...


I can see it still. I want my mind to block it out but I can\'t. Oh god...please let me forget...


Don\'t think about it. Just don\'t think about it. You\'ve got bigger things to worry about. There\'s a new government
shaping out of the ashes of the wizarding world, and you\'re a part of it.


\"Draco!\"


He jumps, and he looks at me with cautious eyes.


\"Did anybody come by while I was in the bath?\" I take baths a lot now. They\'re good for me, helps me relax.


\"No.\" He shakes his head. \"Are you expecting anyone?\"


\"Yeah, actually.\" I\'m sitting at my desk, looking over s handful of proposals. Sometime soon I\'m supposed to be
meeting with Lucius to go over them.


\"Who?\"


\"Your father.\" I tell him, shuffling through the pages. \"We have to go over these.\" I wave them in the air. Half of
them are ridiculous. But Voldemort needs a full report.


\"Oh. Yes.\" Draco just nods.


\"You pissed at me?\" I ask him, not looking up.


\"What? No!\"


\"Cause you\'re acting like it.\" I just want him to knock this shit off.


\"Oh. No\"


\"Then cut it out.\" I snap. I glance over my shoulder at him, and he frowns.


\"I just thought...you know. You\'d need space.\" He shrugs in an offhand manner.


\"Well n\'tn\'t.\" That\'s the last thing I need. What I need is to be reminded why I\'m here. I\'d rather not be reminded
of what I did, or what could possibly happen because of it. The way I see it, no news is good news. If I never find
out, then I\'ll be fine. Ignorance is bliss.


\"Fine.\"


He\'s really not making this easy. But I never expected him to. I needed him, badly, the other night. But he showed
no interest at all. We\'re doing it tonight though. I have to have that release. I need to really *feel* something.


\"These are shit.\"


We can\'t have a democracy. Well, not how it\'s been proposed. Voldemort ruling over all, but a go between-someone the common man can relate to-elected by the masses. There\'s too many who joined us out of fear, and are
still waiting for the Right Time. It\'s a fools move, it really is. We need totalitarianism. It\'s a sad fact, but damn true.


\"What did you expect?\"


\"That the rest of the word has a brain in it\'s head.\" I mumble.


\"You give them too much credit.\" Draco drawls.


\"I guess so. Voldemort wants to keep some form on the ministry. That\'s fine. That can be done. But he\'s going to
have to appoint all officials. Or, have a *very* select group that does it. With him.\"


\"You don\'t trust anyone, do you?\" Draco throws himself down on the bed.


\"Nope.\" How can I? I don\'t even trust myself anymore.


\"He\'ll listen to you.\"


\"Who?\" Does he mean Voldemort or his father.


\"Both of them.\" Draco shrugs. \"I don\'t know why...\"


\"Because I\'m damn smart and know what I\'m doing.\" Angry red slashes appear through the papers. Not a one of
them could work.


Draco just looks at me. He\'s not stupid enough to counter that statement. And it\'s true. I am smart, and I know
what I\'m doing. And there\'s few that don\'t know that. Draco just has his pride, and I\'\'ll let him keep it.


\"All right, I\'m gonna go see if I can find your father.\" I stand up, papers in my hands. \"What are you going to be
doing today?\"


\"Nothing.\" He shrugs. \"Buce tce they figure out what we\'re going to be doing, I get to courier all the messages
about.\" He rolls his eyes. Yeah, diplomacy sucks.


\"Well, we\'ll try and give you something to do soon.\" I give him a wink. \"Just make sure you\'re here tonight.\"


\"Why?\" His voice is so fucking suspicious.


\"Because I want to fuck you so hard you\'ll be walking funny for a week, all right?\"


\"Oh.\" He just stares at me, like he\'s heard me wrong or something. It\'s cute, really.


\"So be here. I don\'t want to come looking for you.\"


\"I\'d imagine you\'d be back before then...\" He puts forth.


\"No, probably not.\" This is going to be a long meeting. I know it is. \"I won\'t be back until at least after dinner. I\'ll
be dining with the esteemed Lord and his right hand man tonight.\"


\"Oh?\"


\"Draco, we\'re setting up a government. It\'s not going to be done in an hour. It might not even get done today. So
please, be naked and in bed when I get back, okay?\"


\"Well, since you\'ve *asked* so nicely.\" He rolls his eyes.


\"You want it, and you know it.\" I try out a grin. I haven\'t smiled in days. It\'s probably pretustyusty, but Draco just
shakes his head.


\"Fine. Just go on. Do your big important stuff.\"


I think he\'s jealous. I\'ve thought this before, but he always says no. But he lies a lot, so I don\'t believe him. He\'s
jealous that *me*, who used to be his fucking *pet*, now holds more rank then him. A sick part of me loves it. That
part that wished he\'d fall of his broom and break his neck, back in school.


\"I\'m going, I\'m going.\" I tell him. \"Do I get a kiss?\"


He looks like he wants to slap mBut But he walks over, looking very bored and droll, and kisses me. It\'s not a great
kiss, but it\'s better then nothing.


\"Aw...like you mean it.\" I tell him, wrapping my free arm around him and pulling him close. I kiss him, deeply, sliding
my tongue into his mouth. He lets me, and he even sort of kisses me back.


\"Save it for tonight.\" He says, narrowing his eyes at me. Aha! Methinks he made a joke!


\"I will.\" I promise. Yeah, tonight\'s going to be good.


Which is great, because it\'ll make up for the hell I ktodatoday\'s going to be.


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