Perfect Love. Perfect Hell

Hermione\'s Point of View:



I was more than nervous to start another year. I knew the pressure would be on. Head girl. I was head girl. Something I had wanted ever since I read about the position in Hogwarts: A History. Yet I never thought about actually getting such a spot. All the pressure that would be pressed upon me. All the eyes that would turn to me at times of trouble or annoyance. People would be counting on me. As I road on the train, going to Hogwarts all this came into my mind. Close to a mental breakdown as I just sat there listening to Ron and Harry bicker back and forth about some quidditch matter. Ron always seems to think he is right in these matters. Then there is Harry who is just as stubborn who always will go on and on about his own view point. Quidditch it a topic in which you don\'t want to get boys into in the first place. Yet bringing it up in the face of Harry and Ron was just asking for trouble. The conversation between the boys however gavbe me time to think. Think thoughts that were making me more and more nervous as the time went on.



About twenty minutes before the train arrived at Hogsmeade station, I had told Harry and Ron that I would meet them in the great hall. I needed time just to clear my head and of course change into my Gryffindor uniform. As the years passed I had been more and more self consious about my own body. I knew it was happening though as the end of the summer neared I realized how bad I had gotten. The situation in which I yelled at mother for about twenty minutes for walking into the bathroom when I was trying on swim suits. The guilty feeling from that incident seemed to stay to this very time. Yet that has very little to do with what my thoughts were revolving around as I walked down the corridors of the train finding the nearest empty bathroom.



The mirrors seemed to be everywhere as my eyes found my image in view every which way I turned. Truthfully there was only one mirror and I had been overreacting, but my eyes lingered on my reflection. The reflection that I had grown to hate. In moments, I had changed into my gryffindor uniform realizing that the skirt was shorter than would have expected. Yes I had grown a few inches but I didn\'t expect at all for it to show so much of my legs. Cringing visibly, I wished my mind was clear enough to remember a spell to make the material longer. Nothing came to mind. My uniform top seemed more loose fit than normal expect in the chest area which made no sense. Mother said when you lose weight you lose your chest first. Something I don\'t think I would have minded. Yet this wasn\'t the case with me. Maybe my weight lose was spread out enough that it hadn\'t affected me in that area. Truthfully I couldn\'t care less about that minor detail. I had so much more to worry about.



Leaning over the sink, my eyes looking directly in the mirror, I had to remind myself to breath. A few long breaths later the train pulled into the station. this is it I thought to myself as I walked over to the door and peered out. I wanted to make sure everyone was out before I left. I considered it my duty to make sure everyone made it off the train. I was head girl afterall. Yet deep down I knew I didn\'t want to have the chance that anyone would see me. I was ashamed.



Thinking back later on that night I would have realized it would be better to walk with the whole group. Yet as I probably stated about fifty times I wasn\'t thinking correctly. It was a suprise that I could think at all. The last student left the train as I let out one more sigh. Pushing a strand of my now pin straight hair behind my left ear and pulling down the long sleeves of my uniform shirt, I left the train. Officially starting the Seventh Year of my education. If only I had known what I was getting myself into.



The long walk to the castle seemed longer than normal. But I couldn\'t help but be glad for the last minute work out. Something else that worried me about being in the new position of power was the time that it would take up. Would I still have time to work out, get perfect grades, hang out with friends, and be head girl? Really I had no choice. I had to be the perfect student, perfect friend, perfect head girl, and perfect person overall. I was Hermione Granger for godsake it was what I did. The sooner I realized that would make it all the more easier.



The Great hall doors stood before me, as I shoved a smile on my face. This smile looked truly and completely real. I would know. I had practiced this face in the mirror every morning for the past two years. It had started when I first feared I would forget how a real smile looked like. No longer did I know how it felt to be truly happy enough to smile, but I could fake it. Fake it so much that at times I believed my ways to be truthful.



The doors opened up wide and the noise over took me for just a moment. Students cheering. The sorting had just finished. The headmaster must have already given the speech for everyone was eating. Students were chating amongst themselves. The noise however ended after the first three steps I took into the Great hall. All eyes seemed to be on me and I hated every moment of it. Why was everyone staring at me? I know I\'m not the prettiest girl nor was I the thinnest. Boys just thought of me as the study guide. Girls thought of me as the girl to go to when they needed help with essays. Even my two best friends thought I was a walking library. So why did the eyes have to focus on my now out of all the times in the world.



I continued to walk. No matter how much my mind told me to turn around and run out of the great hall. The voice in my mind repeated this over and over. I suddenly wanted to more than life itself. But I knew I couldn\'t. Almost mentally pumping myself up, I continued to take one step at a time. Everyone had to be talking about me. They just had to. Nothing good of course. I couldn\'t ever imagine them saying anything good about me. Even the Slytherin table couldn\'t take their eyes away from me. I bet they were thinking about new mudblood jokes as the seconds passed.



Finally, though it seemed like hours later, I sat next to Harry and Ron smiling just slightly wider at my two boys. Right away I needed to break the silence even if I had nothing to say. I talked about anything and everything. Resorting to bringing up quidditch. On this topic Ron and Harry once more went on with one of their debates. I just sat there nodding and smiling carefully piling a few items onto my plate of food moving the mash pototoes around with my fork. I wasn\'t hungry. After what just happened I doubted I could ever eat again.



The Great hall started to pick up on the noise level. Everyone once more continued on with conversation. Yet I know they were all talking about me. Why couldn\'t they find anything better to talk about. Even Ginny and Luna were discussing me. I wanted to cry and leave, but I sat there putting on my act controlling the one thing I had left, controlling what entered my mouth. Yet I knew the control wouldn\'t last long. It never did. For tonight it would last. I needed to make sure of that. I needed to have just that bit of control. Just for tonight.