Legillimens

The next day Neville was early. He waited nervously in the hall until Snape opened the door to let the day\'s last class out. As the students filed by him, Neville grinned to himself. When did the second-years get so short? He rubbed his chin, feeling the coarse stubble growing there and chuckled. As the last student walked by him, Neville gave her a polite nod as she scurried away, her books clutched to her chest. As he entered the Potions room, Snape raised an eyebrow and smirked.



"You have quite a way with the ladies, I see."



Neville laughed out loud and pinched his own chubby cheeks.



"Longbottom lady-killers, they call them."



Snape stuck his tongue in his cheek and Neville blushed.



"Well, let\'s have at it, shall we?" Snape squared off to Neville and raised his wand. Neville fumbled his wand from his pocket and raised it as well.



"All right, Mr. Longbottom. Today I want you to find a memory that is dear to me. Finding the sort of mundane mishaps is really no challenge and thus will not teach you anything other than the insipid drudgery that is teaching students. Do you understand?



Neville nodded but still looked uncertain.



"But, Professor, how will I know the difference?"



"Well, standing there gawking at me certainly won\'t help now, will it? And I am particularly interested in your breaching me without my being aware." Snape raised his head and closed his eyes, waiting for Neville to begin. Neville licked his lips and adjusted his wand grip, deciding exactly how to go about the task at hand. He looked squarely at Snape, calculating where his concentration would best be focused. The forehead? Or perhaps lower, right between the eyes. His wand wavered slightly as he noticed the fine lines on Snape\'s face. Come to think of it, his once raven black hair was now streaked with grey. His angular jaw and strong nose were still as striking as they had been when Neville was a nervous first-year, but just now, standing there, eyes closed, face tilted up, he seemed so much more human, and so much less a monster than he had ten years before. Why exactly had he been so afraid of him anyway?



Then the jet black eyes snapped open, regarding him as a cat regards a rat and Neville jumped, pointed his wand and yelled.



"Legilimens!"













It was a warm spring night in his seventh year at Hogwarts and Snape and Lily had gone into the Room of Requirement to work on a Potions project together. They worked well as a team, and before long the cauldron was merrily bubbling away, small silver droplets leaping about the surface like tiny fish. Snape gave it a final stir and lowered the fire so it would simmer. Lily sat down on some velvet cushions near the window and patted the pillow beside her, motioning for Snape to sit as well.



She took out her wand and with a practiced flick, two frosty bottles of Butterbeer appeared before her. She handed one to Snape and said, "Now all we need is some entertainment."



Snape took out his own wand and conjured up a trio of spotted mice. Lily looked at him quizzically. "How is that entertainment?"



"Patience, Evans, patience."



He waved his wand over the mice and said, "Canto." The mice burst into three part harmony and Lily clapped her hands in delight, giving him a look of admiration that made his heart practically leap out of his throat. Having her look at him that way made him feel both uncomfortable and exhilarated. She continued to stare at him and he blushed and looked away from her eyes.



And what eyes they were. Such a distinctive deep emerald. Almost backlit. Almost glowing. When she looked at him like that, he felt he could do anything, BE anything. He would rise to her expectations and exceed them. He would never, ever disappoint her. He would be a great wizard and do great things, and perhaps she would want to be by his side.



They settled comfortably together on the floor cushions, drinking their Butterbeer and watching the mice scurry about, still humming snippets of their tunes. Lily raised her bottle in a toast and Snape hesitated a moment then clinked his bottle against hers.



"What are we toasting?" he asked hopefully. She considered a moment, then with a scarce nod towards the bubbling cauldron in the corner, answered.



"To a successful partnership."



"Here, here," he replied and inched a bit closer to her. They both drank deeply.



"I have to say," he told her, "I didn\'t know to premix the crushed mother-of-pearl before you added it. I might have ruined the whole batch had you not told me that."



"You did some pretty great stuff yourself. It was just brilliant putting canesberries in there instead of gullfruit. They have similar sugar content, but the canesberries dissolved much more quickly. I had completely forgotten that they were even an option." She smiled and settled her green eyes on him again and reached out to touch his arm.



He raised his eyebrows and gave what he hoped was a humble shrug.



"I just hope the juice won\'t stain, it\'s left quite a mark there." She took out her wand and passed it across the dark patch on his arm. The mark quivered, but did not fade away. She rubbed his forearm a bit more and Snape closed his eyes, feeling the heat of her. Not many people got this close to him, let alone the woman with whom he was so completely smitten.



"Severus," she whispered. He kept his eyes closed and willed himself to breathe in a normal, relaxed fashion so as to not give away the frantic, panicked wild bird that was flapping around in his chest.



"Mmm?" he replied as casually as he could muster.



"Why me?"



His eyes flew open and he regarded her. Why her? Why her?? There wasn\'t enough time in the day to answer that question. Her eyes. Aside from that electric green, they were also kind, and curious and more than a little mischievous. Her perfect little nose. Such a contrast to his long, noble one. And her mouth. Dear Lord, that mouth. So lush and soft. It would pucker with concentration while reading potions ingredients, then twist up with a sweet, crooked smile when inspiration struck.



"Severus, Hello?"



He was suddenly aware that not only had he been staring at her mouth, but an indeterminate amount of time had passed since she had asked the question. He met her eyes and then looked away guiltily. He cleared his throat and made to apologize, but his voice came out husky and foreign.



"Oh, I…uh….what?"



She smiled and Snape got the distinct impression that she knew exactly why he was flustered… and she was enjoying it.



"Why did you choose me as your partner on this project?"



"Why, Lily, you\'re brilliant!" he said, almost surprised that it wasn\'t as apparent to her as it was to him.



She flushed with obvious enjoyment, then batted her eyelashes and coquettishly purred, "Go on…"



Now he was flushed as well. Exactly how much could he say and not give away his embarrassing crush?



"You are precise and scientific. And you have an obvious gift for potions." He answered lamely. Somehow, he didn\'t think that saying "And I could take you in my arms and kiss your delicious, crooked smile until that cauldron boils down to just fumes," would exactly be appropriate, but when he saw her disappointed expression and cocked eyebrow, he wasn\'t exactly sure what he should have said.



"Wow," she replied, "you know just what a woman likes to hear."



He was about to protest when she shushed him with a delicate finger to his lips. "It\'s okay, Severus, I feel exactly the same way about you." And then she kissed him. It was soft and warm and exactly what he\'d hoped it would be, but somehow so much better than he could have dreamed, and oh Merlin, it really was happening. Her mouth was on his and it was all he could do to quell his immense enthusiasm and not suck her entire face off. He had a horrible moment when he didn\'t know what to do with his hands until they slid up to the curve of her jaw and to the softness of her hair and it all felt so right. He had previously worried about technique, but he followed her lead of long slow circles with his tongue and subtle nibbles along her lips and chin and jawline. She pulled back a moment to regard him.



"Chemistry, Severus, it\'s all about chemistry." Snape just nodded mutely. He did not trust his voice enough to reply. He instead pulled her closer to kiss her again, and she pressed against him willingly. "Talk to me Severus. I love your voice, it\'s so velvety."



He had been kissing her neck but stopped short. This wasn\'t something that had ever come up in his many daydreamed scenarios about the two of them, and he was mortified that he would end up babbling "yes baby, oh yes" like the drivel from those wretched romance novellas that the teenage girls liked to read. Instead, he whispered huskily into her ear.



"Whatever would you like me to say?"



She leaned into him even more and rubbed her nose against his. "Tell me what you\'re feeling. Tell me what you want."



His eyes widened in mock-terror and she gave him a playful slap on the shoulder. "No, I don\'t mean talk dirty to me, you prat!" she giggled. "I mean tell me," she said, placing her hand on his chest, "what you feel, inside."

Snape took a deep breath and closed his eyes. She was nibbling his chin while his hands were still taking in the silkiness of her hair.



"I feel…..like my heart might stop beating."



She was kissing his cheek and he could feel her smile against him.



"I feel….so unbelievably lucky. I feel…like I don\'t deserve this.., deserve you, I feel…" and he began to tremble just a bit. "I feel…like if I don\'t stop talking soon you will leave, and then I don\'t know if I will be able to feel anything at all…" She covered his mouth with her own and he was ever so grateful. He had revealed entirely too much, and although he had been feeling this for months, somehow saying it out loud made it more real and more fragile. He exhaled deeply, almost a moan, as she let her hands wander farther than his chest. He went to push her away, but their robes had become entangled and her fingers continued exploring. She brushed against his trousers and he jerked away as if stung.



"NO!" Then more softly, "No, I can\'t."



She didn\'t question him, but she didn\'t stop either. She continued to kiss him and press her warm curves against him. He nuzzled her back, despite himself. Her hands moved back up to his chest; despite the robes and tunic that he wore, he was sure that his nipples might cut right through the material.



Lily sat up a bit, reached to the neck of her robes and unclasped them, letting them pool around her thighs. She wore a thin green blouse and simple trousers beneath. Snape stared at her flushed face, hooded eyes and swollen red lips and she returned his gaze evenly. Probably, he thought, she would see much the same in his own expression. She leaned towards him and unclasped his robes as well. Snape\'s hands went defensively to his neck and he repeated his earlier plea.



"No, Lily, I…I can\'t."



There was that crooked smile again. She put her entire weight on him and began to kiss along his angular jaw. The feel of her on top of him was just about too much. Her curviness against his angles. Her soft, yielding flesh against his taut, tensing muscles.



"You can\'t because …..you\'re saving yourself for marriage?" she murmured seductively into his neck. "You can\'t because….you\'re having an equipment malfunction?" Her hand slid lower. "It doesn\'t seem that way to me."



Snape sat bolt upright and grasped both her hands in his own.



"No, no it\'s nothing like that."



A look of hurt and rejection clouded her face and he quickly added, "Oh sweet Hermes, it\'s not that I don\'t want to! Lily, you are so beautiful, precious and sweet, and dead, dead sexy. I want you! Oh Lord, do I want you!"



Her look of hungry desire returned and he had to fend her off again. "But, Lily, that\'s just the thing. I want *you*. Not just *this*. I don\'t want to rush it. I don\'t want to tarnish this…wonderful moment with frantic groping. I want you to be sure that this is what you want. I want to be sure…"



"That you\'ll respect me in the morning?" she asked sardonically.



Snape sighed with relief that his message was understood. "Exactly."



She pondered for a moment, eyes off to the side, thinking. There were those lips, puckered in concentration, and then slowly, there was that familiar crooked smile.

"I appreciate that, Severus, I really do." She reached up and smoothed a dark lock of hair from his cheek. "But can we still snog?"



An enthusiastic smile stretched across his regal face revealing a rarely seen dazzling grin. He pulled her in for a big hug and pressed his forehead against hers.



"Lily, my darling, I thought you\'d never ask."









It may have been an hour later, or as little as five minutes, but they both jumped when the door slammed open. Although they were far from naked, they clutched their robes around their chests in the surprise and the guilt that all snogging teenagers share. It was Snape\'s worst nightmare and it would not be the last time that evening that he wished himself dead.



"James!" Lily squealed, her voice high with shock and shame.



"What the Hades is this all about?" James bellowed, striding arrogantly into the room. Sirius and Remus entered close behind him and Snape\'s jaw clenched with both loathing and fear. This was not going to end well. Not at all. Sirius Black\'s face was awash with glee and he practically danced from foot to foot, unable to contain his enthusiasm.



James grabbed Lily by the arm and yanked her away from Snape. She clung to the robes that they had both been holding, dragging them with her, and Snape was left wearing only his thin tunic and trousers. The bulge in his pants had shriveled and his balls had practically tucked themselves into his abdomen. He wistfully wished he could do the same.



"Snivellus!" Sirius sang, "And here, all this time, I didn\'t think you LIKED girls!" Remus sniggered behind him. "And up until now," he continued, "none of them seemed to like you either!" He cast him an exaggerated look of mock admiration, waggling his bushy eyebrows.



"What in Faust\'s name did you do to her, Snape?" snarled James, covering Lily with the robes and wrapping his arms protectively around her.



"Get off it, James," she said, trying to push her way out of his grip. "He didn\'t do anything!"



"My arse he didn\'t!" spat James.



"James, if it WERE your arse, something certainly would have happened!" Sirius shook his bum in Snape\'s direction. The boys looked to each other, as if to gain courage, smiling, cheeks flushed with bravado. How far would it go? However would it end? Snape could see no safe way out.



"Shut up, Black." It was barely a whisper, but it stopped the three in their tracks.



"What did you just say, Nancy boy?" James strode towards him, chest puffed out and eyes ablaze.



"My comment was directed at Black." Snape dropped his eyes. He hoped it would make him seem submissive, but he was desperately searching for his wand. Remus must have read his mind because before he was able to say "Accio Wand", Remus held his own wand up and yelled.



Snape\'s tunic and trousers flew off him and he was left wearing only his undershorts. His hands instinctively flew to his crotch, while his eyes flew to Lily. She was hanging her head but her posture was unnatural. It dawned on Snape that she wasn\'t avoiding his gaze because of shame; she was trying to suppress a grin. His mouth opened in shock. How could she? How could she, of all people, find this amusing? Remus sifted through the puddled clothes on the floor and fished out Snape\'s wand. Snape was still staring at Lily, willing her to meet his gaze, but she seemed able to look anywhere but at him.



"Quit gawking at her, you scrote!" James pointed his wand at Snape and he pressed himself back against the cold stone wall, shivering. "I\'ve half a mind to shrink that filthy Slytherin wank of yours into a raisin."



"James, really! That\'s quite enough!"



Snape looked to her hopefully but she still declined his gaze.



"He didn\'t….it wasn\'t…" she broke off, unable to find the right words.



"You stay out of this, Lily. I\'ll deal with you later. Right now it\'s between me and him."



He strode over to Snape and leaned down so they were eye to eye. There was an anger, a brutality that he recognized and he swallowed hesitantly but did not drop his gaze.



Sirius still danced around them, right chuffed with the possibility of a fight.



"Watch out, James. If you get too close, he\'ll try to snog you, too!"



"I\'d kill him if he even tried." James raised his fist in a threatening manner and Snape flinched, his hands flying to his face. James made to hit him again and Snape flinched once more. "Chicken-shit Slytherin coward," he spat out and turned away in disgust. "And now," he said, addressing his girlfriend, "what\'s with the whore act, Lily?"



Lily opened her mouth to retort but was cut short.



"You don\'t have the right to talk to her like that."



All heads spun around to see Snape stretched to his full height, long fingers balled into fists, lean muscles taut and ready to spring, catlike. He was suddenly calm and unafraid. "Potter, you\'re not even worthy to lick her boots!"



Remus looked bemused. "So, Snape, what gives *you* the right to lick….the rest of her?" Snape looked past them all to Lily when he answered.



"Because I love her."



Sirius howled with delight and swooned dramatically on a nearby pouffle.



"Did you hear that? He looooves her!" He wrapped his arms around himself and made like he was smooching someone. "Oh Snape, Oh Yes! Oh my big, strong Sniv-Ell-Us! Dear God Yes! Yes!!....Oh wait a minute…" He leaned over the pouffle and loudly mimed puking his guts out.



James looked at Lily, searching her face, then turned to Snape.



"You may love her, but there is no way she would ever love a greasy little tosser like you. Get out, before I do something I\'ll regret."



He pointed at the door, but Snape stayed put. "Tell them, Lily."



Lily looked at him sharply, mouth slightly open. That beautiful mouth, still red and puffy from kissing his own, snapped shut and remained that way. Snape waited patiently for her reply, but when none came, his look of confidence faltered along with his sense of balance. The room began to swim before him and he steadied himself against the damp wall behind him.



"Tell them." He almost pleaded. "Tell them what you told me."



Lily looked from Snape, to the others, and then back to Snape again.



"Severus," she said, delicately shaking her head, "I\'m sorry."



"No!" he shouted, reaching out to touch her arm, but he was blocked by James who pushed him away roughly. He fell back and his head connected with the unforgiving stone wall, hard. He staggered a bit, but managed to not fall completely over, shaking his head to clear the fuzz.



"You stay the fuck away from her, pervert!" yelled James, moving to strike him again. Snape barely heard him over the blood pounding in his ears.



"Lily, please…" He reached out his hand again and James was on him. Grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him as a dog shakes a rat, his head making contact with the rough wall behind him. There was more commotion and yelling in the room, but he could make no sense of the noise. The others might have been grabbing at James to stop him, or they may have been joining in the fight, but in Snape\'s mind it was eerily quiet.



The room seemed to contract and close in around him, and suddenly he was six years old again. He was standing on a low stool at the kitchen sink, elbow deep in warm, soapy water. The sun was pouring through the windows, glinting off the dirty dishes and the bubbles that clung to his arms. The window was open and the sounds of a dog barking and kids playing could be heard in the distance, and his little six year old mind thought that he too, would like to be outside. He would like to be anywhere but here. He could almost feel the grass tickling his feet and the sun burning down on his head, heating up his black hair until it felt warm enough to set his whole head on fire. Fire…Firewhisky. The sharp smell of it burned his nose and he instinctively pulled back, knocking a plate to the floor where it smashed against the scuffed linoleum.



His father\'s drunken face appeared before him, and young Snape froze.



"What the fuck is wrong with you?"



Snape crossed his dripping arms across his chest and whimpered softly.



"I\'m sorry, Father."



"Sorry doesn\'t buy new dishes, you pillock!" He smacked the boy and young Snape dared not move. The stool on which he stood was not sturdy, and he focused his concentration on not falling off. By the third whack he lost his footing and toppled over, cracking his elbow on the corner of the counter. He crumpled on the ground clutching his arm, willing the electric pulses to stop shooting up the length of it.



"How the hell any boy of mine could become such a simpering incompetent is beyond me! You can\'t even handle woman\'s work without breaking something and falling over!" He paused for a moment, deciding if another punch was due, or if it might be easier to administer a kick instead, when he noticed the boy was truly hurt. "Oh, sodding hell, are you okay?"



He wasn\'t, but Snape nodded quickly. "Did I really hurt you, mate? I\'m sorry. Let me make it up to you."



"No, I\'m alright, really." With much effort he let go of his throbbing arm and feigned a weak smile.



"No, I went too far, and I want to make it up to you. I want you to…feel better."



He could already feel the sharp stubble ripping against his soft skin and the hands, rough, and uncompromising, grabbing and pinching and poking where they had no business going.



"Please Father, don\'t." He knew the words would fall on deaf ears, but he was compelled to form them anyway. He would continue to repeat them, almost as a mantra, until his father was done.



"DON\'T FUCKIN\' TELL ME WHA\' I CAN AND CANNOT DO!" he roared, lifting the boy into the air and dragging him down the hallway. "You Goddamn, ungrateful, good for nothing, little piece of shit!" His father threw him on the bed and began to pull his own shirt over his head. Snape curled into a ball and put his hands over his face.



"Please Father, don\'t…please father don\'t…pleasefatherdon\'tpleasefatherdon\'t.."



"Don\'t fight me, Severus. It\'ll only be worse for you." He pinned Snape down with one hand and slapped him hard with the other. Young Snape\'s eyes rolled back in his head and he had the sensation of warmth and wet spreading across his crotch and legs. He had pissed himself. Again.



But he wasn\'t six anymore.



He wasn\'t in his father\'s house.



He was, however, standing half-naked in a puddle of his own urine.



Sirius let out a loud guffaw. "Gordon Bennet! He\'s gone and whizzed himself!"



"Don\'t they housetrain the Slytherins before they allow them in?" sniggered James.



Snape\'s head was hung low, but he chanced a peek through his lank hair at Lily. She was standing with her hands over her mouth, staring at his crotch. And she was laughing.



He slunk down into a crouch, wrapping his long slender arms around his legs and buried his face in his knees. He remained that way until the others left, until the shadows had grown long and night had fallen on the castle. Then he gathered up his robes and his wand, and made the long walk back to the Slytherin dormitories. It was long past curfew but when he bumped into Argus Filch in the hallway, the lanky teen shot him such a menacing glare that Filch shut his trap before uttering a single word. Even the portrait of the Mead Drinking Monk guarding the Slytherin common room door seemed to think better of saying anything and swung open to allow him access.







Now Snape was on the floor, on his hands and knees, shaking his head to clear it from the mental assault. His hand lost its grip on the slick floor and Neville sprang towards him to grasp him before he fell. Snape shook him off and managed to stand, if a little unevenly. He stood with his head down, clenching and unclenching his fists, and Neville moved back a step or two. That had been WAY more information than Neville had ever wanted to know, and he was afraid of the possible retribution coming his way.



Snape was still standing with his head down and eyes closed, still shaking his head in a disturbing, twitching sort of way. Only now he was also breathing in and out in short, rapid bursts, like a boxer preparing for a fight. Neville took another step back and felt the hard edge of a table press into his buttocks. He was trapped. His eyes darted from left to right looking for a passage, but there was none.



Snape slowly and deliberately made his way over to the boy and Neville prepared himself for the worst. When he was mere inches away, Neville closed his eyes and cringed, emitting a high pitched, "eeep!" He steeled himself for the blow or hex or whatever reprisal might be coming his way. Instead, the Potions master clapped him on the shoulder and gave his arm a hard squeeze.



"That was brilliant," he said, barely above a whisper. "Bloody brilliant."



Neville dared a peek and was startled to see the mix of emotions playing across Snape\'s tired face. There was anger (wasn\'t there always?) and distrust and a certain amount of bitterness, but there was something new and almost foreign as well. Pride?



Neville grinned sheepishly, still not sure if Snape was happy or mad.



"I never would have thought in a thousand years that you would have been able to penetrate me like that." He looked at Neville, eyes glistening.



Neville mumbled an apology.



"Longbottom, did you hear what I said?" Neville reluctantly looked up to meet his gaze. "You have just accomplished what many highly skilled wizards have attempted to do and failed. That was better than any Death Eater has ever done. In fact, you went deeper than Lord Vol-" he stopped and regarded Neville who was seemingly still in shock. "You did very well. I am duly impressed, and it seems," he said, "that I owe Minerva an apology. Excuse me." And with that he swept from the room, cloak billowing out behind him. After a moment, Neville closed his gaping mouth, gathered his things and quietly left the room.