Sacrifices Betrayals Love and Foolishness

Author: TheSiner
Title: Sacrifices Betrayals Love and Foolishness
Word Count: ~35,000
Chapters: 1/4
Genre: Romance, Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: Harry/Snape, Snape/?
Summary: Harry and Snape are forced to marry and it doesn’t really work out that well. Harry is depressed, Snape is stubborn, and everyone else is selfish. HP/SS, slash, mpreg, A/U
Setting: After The Order of The Phoenix and the Department of Mysteries. Harry has just turned sixteen.
Rating: Nothing too terrible, a bit of sex a bit of depressive themes.
Disclaimer: These characters are not my own and belong to J.K. Rowling and affiliates.
Warnings: slash (duh!), OOC, A/U, non-canon, angsty, emotional, dubious consent(somewhat), male pregnancy is more than just mentioned, not beta-edited, may seem disturbing, door-mat-ish Harry, some grammar errors, no graphic sex.
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…Betrayals…

1.

The Headmaster never fails to remind Severus of his crimes. Then he reminds of his promises.

In the end, Severus does whatever he is being asked to do.

A part of him is aware, that if Severus simply did as he has been told, it would save them both a lot of time, because in the end he always agrees anyway. He is Dumbledore’s man as long as the Dark Lord lives.

It’s just that… he hates feeling so powerless!

“You are one of the most stubborn men I have ever known,” Albus Dumbledore says and Severus is not sure if he should object, because… well, he is not keen on agreeing with something like that! Or maybe he should agree to prove the old man wrong, to prove that he is not stubborn an is ready to concede.

Quite a clinch it is.

Clinch, like his whole life, like his arrangement with the Headmaster who always gets Snape to comply with his wishes.

This time however, he doesn’t let them to convince him easily.

“There must be another way!” Severus spits furiously and somewhat desperately.

“This is the best solution under the circumstances,” The Headmaster is calm and unruffled. As if he knows that, he will win the argument.

Not without a cause. He does win the argument after all.

Albus points out that since Severus can’t serve them as a spy anymore, keeping Harry safe is the least he can do. Yes, Severus understands what he means very well. They have no use for him if he doesn’t do this. He has to agree.

Then Albus plays his last card: “Severus, my boy. You must realise that this union might not be lasting.”

Severus turns his head sharply to look at the old wizard. Albus Dumbledore looks appropriately saddened. Yes, indeed, Potter might be dead by this time the next year. Severus is not one to underestimate The Dark Lord. The boy is marked for death. He is not a delusion as the old men and his motley band of Gryffindors and other fools.

For a moment, maybe only a half of a second (you have to be know the man very well to notice) Severus’ shoulders slump, before squaring out again and he nods without saying a word.

That is how Severus Snape agrees to marry Harry Potter.

He is going to become Potter’s new ‘family’ and his guard. It doesn’t matter if Severus thinks that Albus’ is being ridiculous by insisting that Potter is going to play a crucial role in winning the war. The time must have addled the old coot’s brain. Potter junior is twice the idiot his father was.

But of course, he doesn’t have all of the information. Only the Headmaster himself knows everything that is going on. He says they can’t risk someone vulnerable knowing.

True.

As a spy, Severus was vulnerable. He is not a spy anymore, but that of course doesn’t mean that there is not another reason why he is not to be trusted with everything. There is always a reason for Severus not to be trusted.

“Do your part, Severus, keep Harry safe, that’s all you have to worry about,” Albus smiles and pops a lemon drop in his mouth.

His part. How can he forget his part?

And all of it could be avoided if only Potter knew how to keep his big mouth shut. But that would be too much to ask of the brat, considering whose son he is. No, he has to throw a fit and repudiate his family! No matter what the consequences are. Imbecile.

It is all Potter’s fault.

Severus would have never thought that one day he will hate the son more than the father, but his wedding day might have been the one.

However, he is surprised when Potter himself is not protesting much. He would have thought that the twerp would be kicking and screaming. No such thing happens. Which annoys Severus greatly. Why does nothing happen as expected with Harry Potter?

Severus observes the boy. Subdued. No, subdued doesn’t quite cut it. Potter looks half-dead, almost catatonic. He stares at the walls, tables and all kinds of other inanimate objects not seeing them at the same time. Every time he looks at Potter, it ruins the glee he felt after realising that he would never have to look at Blacks ugly mug again.

Severus swears that he will not sympathise with Potter. He has everyone’s sympathies already. Everyone is so sorry that the boy has lost his godfather and that he has to marry his old, greasy Potions professor. No one offers Severus any condolences. All he gets is sidelong glances and some reluctant ‘thankyous’.

He wants to smack Lupin, the damned coward when he expresses his gratitude. If he had ever cared for the boy, he would have stayed around or at least returned to Britain sooner and at least checked on the brat. Oh, woe, thy name is Lupin!
The man is acting as if he is the only one, who has had a hard time. Severus would like to introduce him to the Dark Lord or his magic hating father, whom he doesn’t remember ever seeing sober.

Severus hates hypocrites more than he hates villains. And that is exactly what most of them are. They say that they care for the boy, but they will sacrifice him as soon as they will have the need.

Severus is used to Albus’ rhetoric and his sugarcoating. He is very good at reading between the lines. He doesn’t even look at Potter during the ceremony. He knows that he shouldn’t get used to seeing him. Harry Potter is as good as dead anyway.

The Potions Master scowls at the Weasleys and all the other ingrates that he is being forced to associate with. They are turning into a party something that shouldn’t be celebrated no matter from which viewpoint one looks at it. Surely, not many of The Order had ever shown him proper respect. However, those exact people are the ones who test his patience during the numerous Order meetings wailing about ‘that poor boy’.

And today they have audacity and bad taste to celebrate this farce of a marriage.

Severus would be the last one to defend the brat, but he really hates hypocrites. Are they trying to pretend that it is a good thing? That they are not ruining the boy’s life?

Of course, it doesn’t look like Potter himself cares much.

What Potter is doing… well, it goes way beyond moping.

It strangely makes Severus even more furious, but then, what doesn’t? It would be more satisfying if Potter was his usual obstinate self, if he could see those green eyes blaze, have them burn with anger. He wants to see Potter’s hate. He needs it!

He wants to be the one, who is on Potter’s mind. It is his wedding day! No matter, that it is as twisted as it can get, Snape loathes Potter for thinking about Black as their hands and lives are tied together forever.

He is not even there. The ungrateful whelp!

No words would be enough to express, how much Severus hates all the Potters and Blacks. Oh, and the Weasleys. And their cosy, little hovel.

A part of Severus wants to get out of here as soon as the ceremony is over. Before he kills a Weasley, or better two. Who would notice, when there are so many of them and at least two look identical?

The other side knows very well, what he is going to be forced to do tonight.

While Severus cannot swear that he has never found any of his students attractive in a general, abstract way, he can swear, that he has never acted on such impulses.

Even if it were not Potter, but someone else, if for a moment he pretended that the boy’s name was Jack, Paul, Andy… even then Snape wouldn’t have thought about touching him. Potter is too young and looks even younger. Disturbing doesn’t cut it.

Besides, it is not some Jack, John, or Andy. He has gone over the list of the reasons not to touch Potter for hundreds of time since he has been informed of his impending matrimony.

Severus absolutely refuses to fuck the boy… only, he can’t refuse. Of course.

He wants to tell Potter that. That he would not touch the boy under different circumstances even if they were the last two human beings on the earth. He wants to let him know how ugly and repulsive he finds Potter.

Stupid, stupid, moronic boy!

Severus is so lost in thought that remembers about the real Potter only when he reaches his rooms. He is relieved to see that Potter has not gotten lost somewhere in the halls of Hogwarts.

He wants to delay the culmination of the wedding night as long as possible, so he lists everything Potter is not allowed to do while abiding in his rooms. When he finishes, the Potions Master has a feeling that he has forgotten something. Surely there are more ways Potter could cause a mayhem, which he should anticipate and try preventing.

Nevertheless, he can’t think of anything else, which only means that he should be getting ready for the bed.

“Damn you to Hell, Albus,” Severus swears staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He should look carefully, since the man doubts that he will be able to look himself in the eye come morning.

Then Severus scolds himself for childishness and chooses business-like approach. He is doing his duty.

He walks back to the living room and orders the boy to clean up. Severus pours himself two fingers of Ogden’s and empties it in one gulp. Then he waits. Then he hears the bathroom door open.

He walks into the bedroom and… Bloody Hell… the boy… no, the child… Severus is going to be sick. There, standing in front of him is a child. Scrawny, pale and awkward. Dressed in oversized pyjamas, which look like they could have belonged to his father… fuck…, fucking… now is not the time to think about the Potter senior!

The boy has taken off the glasses and the green eyes are so huge and… and… bloody innocent! Severus thinks he would choke on the word if he ever tried to say it or he would get blasted off this earth by some supreme power.

Or not.

Whoever is in charge of all this circus seems to have rather high tolerance for all kind scum. Those are always innocents, who should beware.

Snape wants to scream, to curse someone, to apparate in front of the Dark Lord and strangle the thing!

He can’t show the boy that he is… what? Severus is not sure, what. But he can’t let it show. It would only make everything more painful.

“Get into the bed,” he orders.

Surprisingly Potter does. But it is not enough. It is never enough.

He orders the boy to drop his trousers and lie face down.

Severus hates to admit that it unnerves him greatly when Potter still is not kicking and screaming. It is a relief that he is reluctant. At least.

The speech about getting over with it takes Severus’ mind of the task at hand at least a little bit.

The paling of Potter’s face puts it right back on it.

Unforgivable! Severus’ behaviour is appalling. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to get this emotional over this!

He has a task at hand.

He still is not sure, how to go about it. Well, of course Severus knows very well, how, but… he needs to be aroused, but he refuses to use the sight of Potter’s coffee and cream coloured, naked skin and small, perfectly rounded buttocks for that purpose. Severus absolutely refuses!

But then, it’s kind of ridiculous to stand there with eyes closed, frantically trying to imagine someone else to get in the mood for Potter and try to resist the image of the boy that he can see in front of his eyes even when they are closed… totally ridiculous! God, but Snape hates the brat…

Nonetheless, he can’t take the boy in anger.

Severus might be a cruel man, but there are lines that he has never crossed. Of course, tonight he is practically erasing them!
What does it matter that Potter has technically agreed to the marriage? It does not change the fact that Snape knows very well – Potter does not want to be buggered by him. Just because the boy is acting like an inferius does not mean anything.

Severus is aware that Albus is seizing the opportunity, that if Black weren’t dead, if Potter was himself, this wouldn’t be happening.

However, Potter just lies there, like a log… except he is not a log, not a doll and that makes this a rape and Severus a rapist, bordering on a paedophile.
The Potions Master does not care for euphemisms and sugarcoating. But he has no choice. Does he?

Severus opens his eyes and climbs on the bed with a jar of lube. The least he can do is to take care.

2.

Severus makes sure to wake up before Potter and to go to the bed after Potter falls asleep. He is trying to fool himself, pretend that the brat is not really there, that they are not married, and that he has never touched the boy. Of course it is not working, very well, because sometimes it seems like Potter is everywhere he goes.

It annoys the last dregs of sanity out of him.

There are Potter’s scruffy gold and red slippers by his bed; there is Potter’s towel in his bathroom, Potter’s dreadful clothes in his closet, and Potter’s scent on his linens… not to mention Potter himself lying by his side.

Theirs couldn’t have been like any other marriage of convenience – an alliance of power and money. Oh, no! They can’t risk the protective magic deciding that he and Potter are not a family, so the least they can do is sleep next to each other every night.

He wonders if Lily Potter has any idea, what she has condemned her son to.

While Severus has always found it irritating to have the Potter brat as his pupil, having him as his spouse is simply driving the man up the wall.

And then the brat makes tea of friar's cap. It drives Severus frantic, when he imagines what could have happened if Potter hadn’t decided to share. He would have been dead!

Severus does the only thing he can think about; he yells at the boy. Lets him know what he really thinks about Potter, insults his intelligence and common sense in all the possible ways.

“You little moron! Have you learnt nothing in my lessons! Were you trying to kill us both? Was it some kind of Potteresque version of Romeo and Juliet? What were you thinking!”

There!

But the boy just keeps staring at him with unfocused, unseeing green eyes that for some reason makes Severus think of the muggle traffic lights.

That’s just it. That is what Snape hates the most about Potter these days. Not his father, not his devotion to Black or the fact that the brat is a Gryffindor. He hates the apathy, indifference to everything. It bites. It bites because Snape would have never imagined that he would miss Potter’s spunk, the fire the teenager was carrying inside him, the rebelliousness.

But it is all gone. Potter is a shell, an inferi. He could be an animated corpse as well.

Severus yells at the boy. Shouts at him. Calls him names. Pairs him with Malfoy, who is itching to get under Potter’s skin and actually manages, after giving Severus studied coy glances as if he was expecting to receive his appreciation.

The Potions Master tries everything, EVERYTHING he can to wake the boy up from the bloody enchanted sleep he has slipped into!

He abuses the boy every way possible, short of slapping him. Mostly during the classes though.
Because doing such thing in their rooms seems too… he just can’t. It reminds Severus of the way his father treated his mother. Anyway, it is not that what he is doing is helping. It is not. No matter how loud Severus shouts at the boy, it only earns him disapproving looks from Minerva McGonagall.

And then Severus realises that it might be for the best. That maybe… Potter probably will not survive The Dark Lord anyway…

And that only makes him angrier. Makes him hate Potter more. And The Dark Lord and Dumbledore and the man in the mirror.

Knowing that the boy doesn’t care for staying alive is not going to make Severus to feel better about sacrificing him. Should he, along with Potter’s protectors, take pride in making a child want to voluntary give up his life?

3.

Everything comes to what it was supposed to come. The great finale.

The predestined collusion of the Light and the Dark. The prophesied confrontation. The Boy Who Lived against the Dark Lord. The Boy Who Lived… Yes, even Severus Snape has to agree, that the title has certain ring to it. But the real person behind the name?

Severus knows that person. A mere boy, a child, who sleeps next to him every night.
Severus knows The Dark Lord as well. A monster who has no heart, who knows no mercy, who does not care for morality or anything at all beyond his power and hate, who enjoys pain and misery.

And they want to put an untrained, unstable child against the most powerful dark wizard since Grindewald.

The more Severus thinks about it, the more it troubles him, the less sense all of it makes to him.

He has never really cared, never allowed himself to dwell on the issue of Potter and his destiny.

”oh, Severus, you like to make things complicated for yourself, don’t you?

Shut up Regulus. That is Severus’ retort at the time.

“I know, I know, honey, you can’t help yourself,”

Severus still scowls when one piece or another of Regulus Black’s dubious wisdom returns to haunt him like a ghost from the past in that very popular muggle story about the man who didn’t like Christmas he disliked even as a child.
It is ridiculous. Wisdom and Regulus Black should never share the same sentence. Regulus is the silliest, most absurd creature he has ever known after all. But still, his words are the ones that keep pursuing him.

It has taken years for Severus to admit that Regulus might have had a point and once again he is complicating things for himself. He lets a curse escape through his gritted teeth, but it doesn’t help, does it? Some thoughts, some realizations are like fiendfyre – relatively easy to start, but impossible to stop.

Severus is making things complicated for himself once again.

“Trust me, my boy,” Albus Dumbledore says the same words that Severus hears every time he withholds the information, every time he doesn’t want to explain something. Then he goes on about the power of love and declares that everything is going to be all right.

All right for whom? That is the question. For the Wizarding world, for the Order of the bloody Phoenix? For Potter? Is it going to be all right for Potter too?

“Trust me, my boy,”

Once Severus has trusted the Headmaster, his Mentor, and the man who has helped him out when the young Death Eater in need.

He is not sure anymore.

Every time Severus Snape looks at the skinny, apathetic creature the sixteen years old child who has been forced to become his husband, Severus’ trust diminishes. The boy is so broken.
So little in Harry Potter reminds him of James or Lily anymore.

Some days Severus finds it unbearable, to look at the boy. He locks himself in his laboratory just to avoid seeing the miserable creature. Other days he simply wants to take Potter and run with him far, far away.

The feeling is especially strong the night before the Final Battle. It gets stronger when Potter returns from the Headmaster’s office after having a talk with Albus. As often, Severus is not privy to the details, but it is obvious that they have discussed Harry’s role in the whole madness.

Severus studies the boy when he returns to their rooms. Potter looks resigned. Resigned to whatever fate will decide for him. The potion Master doesn’t like it. As he sees it, the boy should be full of determination, Gryffindor foolhardiness that they call ‘courage’. He should be ready to fight.

And then Severus realises it. Harry Potter doesn’t look ready to fight. The boy looks ready to die.

The realisation punches Snape in the gut. Hard. That moment the wish to take Potter away from all of this, to save the boy is stronger than ever…

But he is a Slytherin. He knows how to pick his fights. He is no Saviour. Potter is their Saviour. He is destined to save them all. For the Greater good. And Severus can’t do anything to stop it.

And why would he care at all!

The boy is a Potter, James Potter’s son, the boy who still grieves for Sirius Black, the boy who will always care for Sirius Black more than for… No, Severus doesn’t give a damn about what will happen to Harry Potter.

Still, he can’t help, but hate Albus Dumbledore and the Greater Good with passion that only a Slytherin can master.

Severus is up with dawn. The weather is inappropriately good. It would have been a nice day if none knew that some of them were going to die. But then, Severus muses, some of them most likely doesn’t. Like the whole bunch of idealistic Gryffindors who believe in courage, loyalty, love and happy endings.

Severus is made of different dough.

He is ready for whatever is coming. Not that there is much that makes Severus to hold on his life. He is going to do his duty and then… nothing will matter afterwards. Anyway, Severus is unsure if he will be able to go on living after completing the task Albus Dumbledore has entrusted him with.

He looks at the boy. Pale as snow, the Avada Kedavra green eyes most amazing he had ever seen even in their dullness. His plump lower lip chewed red, as if Potter were eating strawberries. The thick, dark hair sticking out in every direction, but making the boy even more appealing. It reminds him of the old tale and for a moment Severus wonders if Lily Potter once sat gazing out the window, wishing she could have a child with skin as white as snow, hair as dark as charcoal and lips as red as blood.

It is ridiculous of course. Potter is so pale because he doesn’t do more than nibble on his food lately, his hair is so dark, because he is James Potter’s son and lips so red, because the idiot child abuses them mercilessly.

Severus wonders, what makes vulnerability so alluring for him. Does he really want someone to need him that much?

But then he shakes his head, to get all the foolish thoughts out of it. He thinks of James Potter and Sirius Black. He will be damned the day he will admit that he finds Harry Potter beautiful beyond reason.

Severus tightens his grip on the boy’s arm and fights his way through the battlefield with only one purpose – to get Harry Potter to The Dark Lord. Snape’s consciousness is screaming at him, it is not stupid enough not to know that he is delivering a sacrifice. But Severus keeps going and dragging the boy along. He has no choice, he hates it, but that doesn’t matter here and now.

Everything happens so fast. Albus strikes down Nagini. Severus is engaged in a duel with Bellatrix, who as one of the most faithful hates traitors with passion. Only her ‘passion’ is more like ‘madness’ and that is her undoing. The way she fights, with force and fervour, but little sense is disgustingly Gryffindor and while it might work against one of them, someone who can keep his head during a duel (like Snape) pitilessly exploits all the mistakes the witch makes when she looses her temper.

While Severus duels Lestrange, Potter and The Dark Lord find each other. Severus wants to scream, to yell at the boy, he can’t bear to see Harry simply standing there, not doing anything, listening to whatever nonsense the Monster is spilling over him. But it’s as if Severus has lost his voice, stuck in the moment. He simply stands there and watches the green light erupt from The Dark Lord’s wand and hit Harry’s chest. Time stops for Severus then and he watches in slow motion as Harry falls down on the dirty ground.

Severus really doesn’t care that Ron Weasley grabs the Sorting hat from Headmaster’s hands, pulls the Godric’s sword out of it and drives it right through the Dark Lord’s chest while he is still too dazed and too busy gloating over his victory to notice anything around him.

The only one Severus sees is Harry, the beautiful, fragile, brave, broken Harry…

Completely ignoring the battle that is ceasing, since the most of the Death Eaters are apparating away, Severus runs, stumbling over the dead bodies and lost wands.
He has to get to Harry. The boy does not deserve to stay there, laying in the mud and blood.

He falls down on his knees next to the small body, which looks so out of place there, with so much blood and violence around it. Harry’s eyes are closed already, he looks peaceful, asleep and so pure… the perfect sacrifice…

Severus snarls at whoever tries to approach him. They gave him the boy. Harry is his and they have no right to demand him back now. Severus is the one who carries the boy back to the castle, which for the first time in Severus’ life doesn’t feel like home.

Severus lays Harry onto one of the beds in the Hospital Wing and no one dares to object that the beds are for the alive and there is the floor of the Great Hall for the dead. A good thing, because if someone commented on that, there might have been one more dead body on the stone floor.

Severus has failed. The boy has been given to him to keep him safe and now he is lying there… he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“You did well, my boy,” Albus says. “It was the only way…”

Severus shrugs off the old man’s hand. He doesn’t care if the Headmaster is right, Severus is a Slytherin and Slytherins are selfish, they don’t care if the world collapses around them as long as they get their hearts desire.

He reaches out and does something he failed to do when Harry was alive – Severus holds the boy’s hand. He rubs the top of the small, soft palm with his fingers. It is pointless, of course, because whatever he would do, Harry’s hands will not get warmer.

Severus does it, because he needs it.

And then he feels it. The pulse.


4.

Severus watches over Potter for two more days. He conjures a chair next to the boy’s bed and does not leave it until he wakes. For a man who has been around magic for his whole life, Snape has a little faith in miracles. But what has happened to Potter, if not a miracle?

Severus is unsure how he feels about it. Relieved? Happy? He has let the boy down after all, hasn’t he? This could be a chance to make it up to Potter… Of course, the boy has not wakened yet, but The Potions Master somehow knows that he will, if he is still breathing when he should be dead already.

Albus Dumbledore calls together his Order.

For the last time, he claims. Severus is somewhat sceptical about that. After all, before Voldemort there was Grindewald, before Grindewald there was Medici and so on. The question is not if a new Dark Lord is going to rise, but when. Nonetheless, it is not going to be Severus’ problem. His debt ends with the death of Tom Riddle.

The Headmaster finally explains some of the goings on, most of the involved find out for the first time, what role they had played in the downfall of The Dark Lord. He explains about horcruxes and thanks everyone who has helped to gather and destroy them; he reveals that Potter’s scar has been one of them. Most of the present, the majority of them Gryffindors, decide that the Headmaster has known all along that, their Boy-Who-Lived will keep doing just that. Living.

Whatever helps them sleep at night.

Severus says nothing; instead, he slinks out of the Headmaster’s office long before he is dismissed. His debt to the Wizarding world and Albus Dumbledore has been paid with interest. He is no longer Headmaster’s to command.

While everyone else is still with their Great Leader, Severus is the one who is there to see Harry Potter open his eyes.

“So you are awake,” Severus says and it takes all of his experience as a spy to keep everything he feels, all the turmoil of emotions, off his face. Of course, Potter probably would not register them anyway, considering his current state.

Severus concentrates on his own turbulent emotions so hard that at first he does not understand, what is that, the boy is asking of him.

When he finally deciphers that Potter is asking for a poison to take away the life that has just been so miraculously returned to him, Severus wants to strangle the boy with his own bare hands.

The selfish, impossible, little brat!

Severus yells at Potter until the boy starts yelling back at him.

“How dare you! You know nothing! NOTHING!
Since when do you care?”

And Severus realises that it is he, who is being selfish. It is he who is feeling indebted to Potter and who wants to repay the debt somehow and who needs Potter to be alive to be able to do that. But, what right does he have?

It leaves bitter taste in his mouth. Another debt. Snape has always been indebted to someone - to Lily Evans for giving him time of day, to James Potter for saving his life, then to Lucius Malfoy for his protection and patronage, then to Voldemort, for the chance to get revenge, then to Albus Dumbledore for giving him another chance… Severus does not want to be in debt again.

He storms out of the hospital wing trying to ignore the sobs that are coming from the sad pile of blankets on the bed that is the Great Hero of the Wizarding World.

They can have him, their Hero, for all Severus cares!

He avoids the infirmary for the next days. Severus is not going to be one in the throng of Potter’s admirers. He doubts that Potter wants him there anyway. His ugly, nasty Potions Master. Snape doubts that Potter thinks of him as of anything beyond that. Of course, he would not admit that it stings.

So he doesn’t see Potter until the brat returns to their quarters.

It is so obvious by just looking at the boy that Potter doesn’t want to be there. And with ‘there’, he doesn’t mean the dungeons. With ‘there’, Severus means ‘alive’. It is not the first time he sees that look on someone. Many witches and wizards were like that after the First War, after loosing everything that made living worth it for them.

Severus tries to ignore it, what does he care… Nevertheless, he lets Potter know that he is welcome to stay in their rooms as much as the boy likes, that he is allowed to invite his insufferable Gryffindor friends to visit him, no matter, how much it pains Severus.

When he looks at Potter… well, Snape doesn’t have it in him, to yell at the boy, to call him names or do anything at all that might upset or hurt Potter. It is somewhat disconcerting, but the dynamics of their relationship have irrefutably changed.

Severus can’t hate Potter anymore, can’t make himself to believe that the son is his father’s exact copy. If anything, he reminds The Potions Master of Lily, especially when the emerald green eyes look at Severus strangely intense and seeking.

And then on the night of the ball in honours of the Great Victory Potter stands there before him, wearing a set of new, form fitting dress robes that are so dark crimson that they appear almost black… and the boy is so unbelievingly beautiful… Severus wants… he wants to… probably the first thing he wants is to lock the boy in the dungeons and never let him out.

Severus doesn’t want others to look at his husband. They adore him already, what would happen when they will see Potter tonight, so young, so fragile, so brave and so very striking. The boy is his. He was given to Severus and Severus doesn’t want to share, he doesn’t want them to take Harry away from him now.

However, he can’t refuse this time. They have to go to the damned Ball and let everyone gawk at them. It is a cold comfort that Potter obviously hates the idea as much as Severus.

It is a nightmare. Severus’ insides burn with hate for everyone who smiles at Potter, he longs to hex everyone who wants to shake his hand, even touch or kiss him… jealousy is nothing new to Snape, since he has always had less than others, he has been denied what he has wanted for so many times…

But Severus has no right to want Potter!

They are married… a little voice reminds him. And what if? What if they are? Snape knows very well, what was the purpose of said marriage. Potter would be disgusted if he knew what Severus is thinking.

5.

Severus cannot pinpoint the moment he realises that Harry Potter is probably the fairest thing he has ever seen.

However, there is no going back after that. The Potions Master is aware that it is something that he has actually known for very long time, but simply has not wanted to admit to himself.

It is not the first time Severus Snape has trouble with admitting something to himself, is it? He is a stubborn man and likes to hold to certain beliefs and attitudes until something hits him in the face. Hard. With a force of a an out of control bludger.

But Severus has sworn to be as honest with himself as possible.

There is no way he can deny it any longer. Potter’s eyes, lips, hair, smell... from irritants they have turned into intoxicants.

One day, when he returns to their rooms to see the boy sitting on the sofa with a book and no socks on and he sees Potter’s bare feet, so small, pale with little, round toes, the most appealing feet he has ever seen…

Severus has to hurry to the bathroom if he doesn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

Only it is too late. He has already turned into one.

He looks in the mirror and as always al he can see is an enormous nose.

“You are a very, very sick man,” Severus tells himself barely above a whisper. The mirror Severus simply shrugs and doesn’t offer any advice.

It doesn’t help when he goes over all of the Potter’s shortcomings in his mind, starting with the boy’s parentage, his age, inaptitude at the subtle art of Potions and finishing with boy’s knobbly knees and poor eating habits.
And it doesn’t even help that if he thinks about it rationally, Severus realises that Potter isn’t actually as gorgeous as one insane part of his mind tries to convince the other, the logical one.

Severus knows that he is being utterly irrational, but he suspects, that is how it works. He just can’t accept that it is happening to him.

Besides there is no way… he is just an old man for Harry, one of his professors, the Potions Master. It doesn’t matter that they are married, because even if it they can’t divorce after they have been bonded by the kind of ritual that Albus Dumbledore has used, everyone knows that it is just a formality, a marriage of convenience. It gives Severus no advantage, maybe it makes everything even worse. Harry probably despises Snape for all of it.

Severus knows that Harry has a lot to despise him for. After all, Severus has never treated the boy with an ounce of kindness. In fact, he still is not being particularly kind. Lessening of verbal abuse is not equivalent to professing endless love.

Nevertheless, the overpowering urge to treat Potter somewhat decently is embarrassing. He wonders if Potter has even noticed, if anyone else has noticed. He will not become the laughing-stock of the damned school.

He will not!

6.

There will never be anything real between Severus Snape and Harry Potter, who is technically Potter-Snape now, but no one acknowledges that. Well, actually there are probably at least thirty-one good reason, but even one is enough.

Severus just isn’t good enough.

Even if one day Harry might… Bollocks! Might, would, could! Bollocks! More likely – might not, would not, could not!

No. Severus has no right. There is probably someone better, more worthy out there. A prince on the dragon or even a princess on the unicorn.

Severus isn’t it. The one.

He would scare the dragon away, not to mention the unicorn.

He doesn’t deserve the boy, someone who is so pure, so beautiful. He is only capable of hurting the young Hero of the Wizarding World, Dumbledore’s Golden Boy. Severus will keep him safe, keep Harry here until he will turn seventeen and then he will let the boy go.

Harry will be able to find someone for himself. Someone worthy and Gryffindor, someone good-looking or even female. Severus is quite sure that there are enough wizards and witches who will gladly overlook that there would never be any official bond as long as they will get their piece of Harry Potter.

Severus knows that he sounds bitter even in his head , but who wouldn’t?

He sees the looks Harry gets from half of the Hogwarts’ population every day. Dreamy, adoring, lusting. Potter himself appears to be quite ignorant, but eventually he is bond to notice. And then he will leave Severus alone in his dungeons, alone and with nothing.

The Headmaster is already giving him significant looks and insinuating in every way possible that Harry might want to return to the tower and his friends. The protection is not needed anymore and not because The Dark Lord is gone. Severus is ashamed that he has not realised it sooner.
He hasn’t been protecting Potter only from the dark Lord and the Death Eaters, but from himself as well and apparently the Headmaster has decided that the boy is sane and stable enough to be allowed to be on his own, which means, Severus is not needed anymore.

If they were lucky, the public might even forget that their beloved Boy-Who-Lived is married to an Ex-Death Eater. It will hardly be a problem for the celebrated hero to find a wench who would not mind not having a ring on her finger as long as she had the illustrious Harry Potter.

Only out of sheer stubbornness and growing resentment towards the Headmaster and his manipulative ways, Severus doesn’t mention anything to the boy and ignores the old wizard and his deep sighs and monologues of what would be the best for the poor boy.

Severus knows that he will not be able to stop Harry from leaving if he will decide to return to the Gryffindor and start a new, better life. However, he has always been a very selfish man.

He is aware that it is just prolonging the torture he is suffering day after day, being so close to something that he wants more than anything and not being able to reach out and take it. It is so much against his very nature; Severus is a Slytherin after all, but unfortunately one with conscience.

Nevertheless, he is just a man and the night he opens his eyes and Harry is there, leaning over him, it is a dream come true…

Harry’s lips taste exactly as good as Severus has been imagining. The moment they touch, Severus can’t stop anymore; he is drinking from the sweet, little mouth and it is better than the finest of vines from the Malfoy cellar. The boy’s lithe body is almost weightless on top of him; his hair is the softest of acromantula silk under his fingertips.

It is pure heaven…

And then Severus remembers who he is, where he is and with whom he is and what he is doing.

He lets the boy go instantly. Pushes him away with more force than necessary. Oh, Gods, what a bastard he is! Severus has to leave; he can’t stay in the same room with Harry. He needs to put as much distance between them as possible, because he does something worse, something he would never forgive himself.

For about three days Severus spends all of his free time locked in his potions laboratory and brews until he gets tired enough to pass out on the chair that he has transfigured into something that reminds a bed. Vaguely.

It is very uncomfortable and in the morning, the Potions Master wakes up sore and achy, but he takes it as a punishment for his vile thoughts, his nasty deeds.

Severus is not sure for how long exactly he stays locked. He chops, he grinds, he slices, he distils… he tries not to think, to forget, to keep busy. The potions are all Severus allows himself.

Salamander eggs, dried nettles, boomslang skin, ginger root, fresh peppermint, which is as green as Potter’s eyes…

Severus suspects that he is close to loosing his mind when someone knocks on his door. He ignores the first knock and then there is another one. Severus swears and drops the knife. It could be the Headmaster wanting to find out, why a member of his valuable staff hasn’t been giving others pleasure of his company at the meals.

It isn’t. It is Harry. Harry Potter looking at him with those soul-shattering eyes. Harry Potter not looking at him. Harry Potter begging him.

As if Severus could say, ‘no’…

7.

Severus feels guilty every time he touches his young husband. His hands just are not clean enough. The ex-Death Eater is afraid that the boy will be sullied and spoiled like everything Severus has ever touched.

To Severus it seems somehow indecent, even sinful to want the boy the way he wants Harry, feel so much passion, burning, skin-scorching desire. When Severus thinks of the boy’s mother, he is almost choking on his guilt. Is it not abnormal, to fall in love with a boy, whose mother he once almost worshipped?

However, he can’t refuse Harry, who is always there, always looking at him with those green, kind eyes, making Severus feel like some sort of demigod. Those eyes are much purer and more generous than the ones that belonged to Lily Potter. There is no pity in those eyes, no benevolence in his words. When Harry looks at Severus, the man feels wanted, not just tolerated.

Harry seems so happy. Severus doesn’t understand; as far as he knows, he is not doing anything that would cause such reaction, he is being completely selfish, but for whatever reason the boy is smiling more and more with every passing day.

“Severus,”

God, but he loves hearing his name from those small, swollen lips. As a sigh, as a moan of pleasure as the boy parts his thighs and surrenders so beautifully.

Every morning, when Severus wakes up, he wishes he had a time turner and could skip the day and have the night already and he could hold Harry in his arms again.
Touch him, caress him, suckle on his little, round toes, lick way up his thigh and nibble behind his knobbly knees. Take Harry in his mouth and have him moan and writhe and make those little keening noises that Severus has never heard any of his previous lovers make.

Is it so wrong that all he wants is to part Harry’s small, round buttocks and burry himself in his tight, pink hole? If it is, then it shouldn’t feel so right.

His feelings almost suffocate Severus. He knows that it has always been his greatest flaw – incapability to control his emotions. It has always made Severus vulnerable. The strange infatuation with the son of the man he has hated for the most of his life, this obsession has taken away all of the control he has had over his life and over himself. Every morning Severus wakes up and leaves his quarters fearing that in the evening, he will come back to his rooms and will not find Harry there.

He watches the boy with the other teenagers. Harry is chatting and laughing in the way young wizards often do. ‘He doesn’t laugh like that, when he is with you, does he?’ A little voice that sounds a bit like Lucius Malfoy whispers on Severus’ ear.

But he smiles, doesn’t he? There are those small cheeky grins like little rays of sunshine that the boy tries to hide sometimes, apparently thinking that they will not be appreciated, since the brat usually finds amusing Severus’ rants about the incompetence of his students and colleagues.

Harry looks happy and glowing and everyone notices that. The students cluster around the boy as if he was a fire in the cold, starless autumn night. The Weasley boy has forsaken his girlfriend to spend all his free time hanging off Severus’ husband and the way Longbottom looks at Harry with starry eyes wants Severus to go and poke them out.

Severus has always despised people, who has charm and don’t hesitate to use it to gain advantage over others. The likes of James Potter who are always forgiven all their infractions for a smile. Severus knows that he should be disgusted, but when the same smile lights up Harry’s face, he feels all warm and fuzzy inside.

Warm and fuzzy. Ha! Ridiculous isn’t it? But disturbingly accurate way to describe his present state. Severus is afraid that he is scaring the students and some of the colleagues by being almost amiable lately.

The Headmaster obviously is aware, that the marriage is not one by name only anymore. At first, he looks worried and disapproving and tries to confront Severus, who pretends the old man does not exist.

Later, however, Dumbledore corners Severus to let him know that he approves.

“You are good for each other, my boy. Harry looks so happy, the poor boy…”

Severus hopes that the look he gives the Headmaster right then expresses exactly how little he cares if Albus Dumbledore approves that he buggers his own husband or does not.

He can’t quite look up to the Headmaster as he once did. Not after everything that has happened, everything the old man has allowed to happen to Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry… it is all about Harry. Severus knows that he is being foolish, but he can’t help himself. He is falling in love. Harry is becoming more important to him than anything else is.

And that is why the earth is swept from beneath Severus’ feet when he sees Harry kissing Ronald Weasley and hears them confess their love for each other.

Severus would have preferred if someone drove a blade through his chest.

8.

Severus feels numb. He realises that it is just phantasm and nothing more, but it seems like the chill has embraced his heart and is spreading through his body, forcing all the warmth he has ever felt out of it.

It doesn’t even make sense.

Why would Potter allow Severus to bed him, if Ronald Weasley is the one he loves? For a moment the Potions Master has the ridiculous idea of fighting for Harry, proving that he is better… what a foolishly Griffindorish idea it is. Whom is he kidding? Harry Potter has never been meant for him; the same way he has never really had a chance with Lily.

There will always be some Gryffindor, better and more good looking than the ugly, unsociable Potions Master.

And Harry… the innocent, shy, reluctant hero. Unaware of the way he affects people around him? Merlin, but what a fool Severus has been! That act is as old as the world, is it not?

The fact that he had misjudged the boy so badly hurts him almost as much as his betrayal.

Severus can’t look at Potter because he fears, that he will fall for deception once again, that he will not be able to resist the beautiful, soulful eyes… He hasn’t told the boy to get out yet, as he should have the moment he saw Harry in Weasleys arms. Severus is hurt, but can’t let go yet.

Pathetic. In love with a schoolboy, a Gryffindor, against logics and common sense. Once again, a Potter has humiliated him.

He is pending. He is in the purgatory and knows that whatever decision he will make; there is nothing, but Hell ahead.

So, when Draco Malfoy once again stands there in front of Severus, wearing that cheeky grin and not so subtly insinuating that he would agree to everything and much more, Severus does not send the boy on his way as usually. He does not let the little snake know, what exactly he thinks of his indecent prepositions as he has so many times before.

Instead, Severus orders the boy to undress and get down on his knees, not even very kindly. Severus is a bit disgusted that Draco obviously does not care if he is being humiliated and probably even likes it. He does not even feel guilty for using one of his students this way. Not the Malfoy junior.

Severus is aware that the boy is no little angel; the son is as twisted as the father was and he has managed to get away with many things that he should be expelled for at least, of course, Severus can’t prove it.

Te Potions Master is aware that, for whatever perverse reason, Draco has been tying to climb into his bet ever since he has become interested in sex and not only the opposite, but his own as well. And, naturally, since the marriage Draco has become even more persistent. That is not much of surprise.

Severus lets Draco pleasure him with his mouth, his hand gripping the blond hair so tightly that it certainly has to hurt, which makes the boy only moan louder. He thrusts deeper and deeper in that indecent mouth, not caring if Draco is comfortable or not, admiring the ethereal, unique beauty, the high cheekbones, flawless, pale skin, the blonde hair and the smouldering mercury eyes. Looking at the young wizard one almost wants to champion inbreeding.

People like Draco Malfoy, is one of the reasons why Severus has always despised beauty without substance. But it does not matter under the circumstances. Right now Draco is exactly what Severus needs. The more forceful and brutal Severus’ thrusts get, the louder Draco moans and whimpers.

Severus calls him a whore, a little dirty slut and all the other names he wants to shout at his husband, but Draco only begs for more. He could never have done this with Potter, not like this… he wouldn’t have even wanted…

Oh, God… Severus almost throws up right over Malfoy’s pale back as he comes buried into the boy’s perfect body.

He feels nothing, but emptiness watching Draco getting dressed. He allows the boy to kiss him before he leaves, because even if it is too late for regrets, his conscience starts reminding the man of itself. As usually post factum.

What else is new?

9.

Severus spends the Saturday in his laboratory, working on experimental potion. He is trying to create a youth-preserving potion that doesn’t turn the user into a half-wit when used regularly.
Not that he cares for the vainest of witches and wizards, who can’t deal with aging and don’t care if their IQ dwindles as long as their skin remains smooth, but it is a challenge.
Challenge enough to take his mind off the other things.

It is very late when Severus returns to his rooms. He takes a long shower. Longer than usually, hoping that when he will come out of the bathroom, Potter will be in the bed, asleep already.

But he is not. The boy is not asleep, he is not even there.

Snape knows he shouldn’t worry, after all Potter is well known for his nightly excursions, is he not? Only that the man knows very well that nothing of the sort has been happening since his fifth year. But then, maybe it has. Maybe everything Severus thinks he knows about Harry is one big, elaborate lie, maybe the boy is smarter and more devious than he appears to be. Maybe the innocence, naiveté and gullibility is just a mask?

How can Severus know for how long Potter has been dallying with Weasley behind his back? Maybe he himself has been blind as a mole. Maybe it hasn’t been only Weasley…

Severus decides that it is it. As soon as his ‘dear’ husband crosses the threshold, Severus is going to put an end to this farce.

He empties a half bottle of firewhiskey waiting for Potter. Only Harry does not come back and later, when Severus starts searching for real, he discovers that his razor blade is among other things the boy has obviously taken with him.

When he goes through Potter’s belongings, Severus finds a note.

I have left of my own free will. Don’t wait me back.

TBC


Reminders:
An Inferius (plural: Inferi) is a corpse controlled through a Dark wizard's spells.
friar's cap - is poisonous, grows by my house, as a child I was told to be careful with it.
youth preserving potion - I think if such potion was available in the wizarding world, there would be a price to pay.

A/N:
Sorry for late update, was having Internet problems. Gah!

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised to receive so many reviews, pleased that obviously I have been understood and perceived. I am also a bit scare now, because you all have pretty high expectations about this story.

I am warning you, that you can expect an update only about in a week, because of the way I write them. While the story is technically finished on my laptop and I could post it all right now, I am going to change it like twenty times in the week I take between posting chapters and maybe even add another chapter. I need time for all of that.

I also felt that it would not be right not to respond you, but since there are so many of those, I answered only those reviews with questions. But of course, I did read every review.


Lilpotter and Extraho and Bambi and karisma
– I am sorry, but I have to admit, that I update once a week usually, because even if I have finished the story, after I post the first chapter and get responses, I always want to change the next one.

Snakelette – with ‘you might want more’ I meant, that it’s my style. For example after one of my stories someone was asking, why didn’t I show the baby being born and what was his name. the thing is that I don’t always go for the soap opera script, where the story end with him and her standing in the front of altar, getting married or something like that. I like dots (…) sometimes. Like when you are painting a portrait, the person has eyelashes, but you don’t always draw them. Like there is Sex and the City and Friends and there is Twinpeaks.

Tribebohemian – your review was probably longer and better written than the story ;). I guess if you were my only reviewer, it would be worth writing this. Thank you.
I like the present tense and short, abrupt sentences. I am not sure if it is alright, but there are even books that have been written in even crazier style.
I am aware that Harry is OOC and maybe one day I will write a story where he is InCharacter. But I don’t believe that many authors write the characters as they are in the book. The best example is Draco I think who is actually a daddy’s boy and a coward or Remus, who is not as simple and unambiguously nice and sweet as most write him. He has so many ‘wonderful’ faults that have not been explored.
Well, isolation was exactly what I was aiming for.
And I think that the stuff I write usually comes as a reaction to the stories I read. Sometimes I read something and have this urge to shout – No! No! I want it to be like this! And I have been upset for ages about the way Harry has been treated by some people in the books.
And about not being not talented enough – well, I don’t see myself as particularly talented. I am not very happy about the most of the stories I have written, because, honestly, they are a bit immature and dumb. This and Unconditionally and maybe Revenge are the only ones I think are halfway decent and mature.
But then, I always think that even I have a crazy moment and write something totally ridiculous (a HP soap opera scenario), there is always someone who likes it, so, why not to post it?

'mnstr - thanks for ‘lyrical’ I like that.

bella the dark – hm, should be very hard to impress someone, who has read a lot in the fandom. I myself am an experienced reader and sometimes feel like I have seen it all. So I am glad that I have managed to ensnare you.
About angst – well the term has always miffed me a bit. I just call it all drama, because that term I understand better. And I am afraid that the correct term for what I like doing the best would be ‘psychoanalysis HP style. I like to pick brains.

cravedom – I think the canon Ron has a penchant for not being there for Harry, but Harry loves him very much anyway. Also I think that Ron could grow up to be a great guy – I tried to show all of that.

llyoung – I hope that Severus’ part of the story explained some of the things that Harry was unaware of. Not exactly excused him though.

harpy – sorry, but I can’t promise you much fighting back, in a sense of revenge, but there will be some pretty strong resistance. Sure.

abbi cee – I am glad that I convinced you. You know, there are stories out there that are written in the second person. That’s creativity.