Pains and Contradictions

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." --- Henry David Thoreau





No one was more surprised than Severus Snape when Dumbledore pulled him aside and sharply whispered, "You need to get Harry on that train now, Severus."



Snape\'s usual mask of indifference slipped for a moment as he tried to access whether the Headmaster was playing some sort of cruel joke on them. His eyes went over to the young Gryffindor who was now sitting on the floor, eyes still glued to his friends as Aurors were coming to take away the body of Ronald Weasley.



"You can\'t actually be serious, Headmaster. You want me to take that boy," he pointed at Harry who looked as though at any moment he might be carted off to St. Mungo\'s for psychological evaluation, "and put him on a train full of inquisitive, insensitive brats for hours just after his best friend was murdered right in front of him?"



Dumbledore gave pause for a moment but his eyes seemed steeled. Whatever he had planned, there was no way Snape was going to undo it. "Well, I suppose I could make an unauthorized portkey. It wouldn\'t be a too large a burden and I\'m sure the Ministry wouldn\'t mind overlooking it in light of these events. But that would put him back in his relatives\' home in moments rather than hours."



And that was really all he had to say. Merlin knew what would happen to the boy if he were dropped off in Surrey in this condition. His relatives would have free reign over Potter; the boy would have no means to protect himself, Snape feared.



Snape met Dumbledore\'s eyes but the Headmaster was looking off to the distance where Tonks was pulling out a black quill and holding onto Weasley\'s body. She said something Snape couldn\'t hear and then they were gone.



In the corner of his eye, Snape saw Minerva McGonagall approach the scene. She looked over to Snape and the Headmaster then to the now frantically sobbing Hermione Granger. She seemed hesitant to comfort the crying witch that was mourning her friend so horribly but she knelt down and embraced the girl anyway. Snape could understand her hesitation. He wasn\'t very good at comforting people either.



Granger seemed to welcome the touch of her Head of House. She grabbed the older witch and held on for dear life, her weeping still audible to all around her.



Looking over at Potter, Snape could see that the people surrounding him were as at a loss of how to deal with the boy. Still, as Dumbledore said, he needed to get him on the train.



Bracing himself, Snape walked over to his student. Glazed green eyes seemed to be taking in the scene of McGonagall rocking Granger back and forth but Snape doubted Potter even understood what was going on.



He knelt on the floor to be on eye level with his student, "Potter, we still need to get you on the train." He waited a moment for a response and receiving none, he grasped Potter\'s shoulder. "Potter...Harry....it\'s still not safe for you here. We have to get you on the train."



Harry turned and lowered his head minutely, recognizing the pale long fingered hand that was resting on his shoulder. Looking up, he met the obsidian eyes of his Potions Master. Funny, they didn\'t seem as cold as they usually did right now. Harry had barely heard anything his professor had said but one thing stood out.



"Did you just call me Harry?"



Snape blinked. Of all the possible responses to his statement, that was the one he had least expected. Crying, silence, even a violent attack on his person were more probable than what he had just heard.



As loathe as he was to completely ruin his reputation, he had to acknowledge in that moment that he wasn\'t a completely heartless bastard. He knew when a sharp retort did not form on his lips immediately that he would not hurt the boy further. He may already have a reservation in hell with his name on it but there were some things even he did not do.



"Yes, I did. Please, Harry, will you get on the train?"



There seemed to be a haze clouding Harry\'s mind. He wasn\'t entirely sure what was happening at the moment. Everything seemed like he was viewing it without his glasses, although he could feel them on his face. He did recognize his potions professor, however. The large nose and long greasy hair gave him away. He knew he could trust this man. This man had saved his life before.



"Alright, Professor." As he moved to sit up, Harry suddenly seemed to register Hermione crying. While some part of his mind remembered, he did not immediately recall why his friend was so sad.



"What\'s going to happen to Hermione?" Harry said as Snape made to grab him to finally board the train.



"Don\'t concern yourself, Mr. Potter. I will take care of Ms. Granger and Ms. Weasley," Professor McGonagall said, her face surrounded by bushy brown hair.



Something about this didn\'t really sit right with Harry. It didn\'t seem alright to leave his friend here when she was obviously upset. Ginny too. She was Ron\'s little sister and...



Ron.



Oh, Gods.



In an instant, the hazy veil that had protected Harry for the last few minutes was lifted and Harry took in everything that was going on around him. Hermione and Ginny crying. The aurors standing around taking statements and talking with the Headmaster. Snape standing besides him expectantly.



Harry shuddered involuntarily and Snape placed a hand on his shoulder. "I\'m sorry, Potter but now\'s not the time. We need to get you on the train. Come with me."



And just like that Snape steered Harry to the train\'s entrance. Hagrid was still there, seeming to all who surrounded him like a giant sentinel guarding the children who were inside, ready to take out any who would harm them. He moved aside to let Harry and Snape on the train. He gave Harry a pat on the shoulder that was probably a little harder than he had wanted.



As they boarded the train, Harry saw Snape turn back and address Hagrid, "You fought bravely today, Hagrid. The children were fortunate to have you with them."



Harry couldn\'t see Hagrid\'s expression but he heard him say, "They could\'a done a lot better \'an me." Harry heard the half giant begin to sob, "I couldn\'a save \'em all now could I?"



Harry could barely make out Snape\'s reply but vaguely heard, "I believe the fault for that lies with Malfoy and with myself. There was nothing you could have done." And with that Snape turned to usher Harry through the Hogwarts Express.



Harry was stunned by what he had heard. He knew the half giant liked the Potions Master but he had no idea that went both ways. And why was Snape blaming himself? Anyone with half a brain should know whose fault this really was. Still a bit in a daze, he let Snape guide him through the hall, looking for an empty booth.



Students were pressed up against the glass of their compartments, straining to get a look at the Boy-Who-Lived. Harry realized that at least half of them had probably seen what had happened outside on the train station. Once again, he buried the long shudder that was trying to make its way through his body. He could not acknowledge that any of this was real. He was still in a nightmare. He just needed to open the curtains.



Snape saw the intrusive children trying to spy on the latest tragedy of Potter\'s life and was disgusted. He sneered at the students and gave them all a look that clearly said \'mind your own business.\' Slowly they all returned to their seats.



Snape quickly assessed that there were no completely empty cabins left available and knew that simply would not do. One look at Potter told him that the boy was ready to snap into a thousand pieces. He flung the closest door open and bellowed, "Out, all of you."



Some lower year Hufflepuffs sitting in the cabin seem to hesitate for a moment, like prey waiting to see how the predator was going to attack.



"Did you not understand what I said? Get moving!" Snape growled. The young Hufflepuffs all but fled and went to join friends in other compartments.



Snape moved Harry into the compartment and Harry went to sit down by the window. He could see McGonagall helping Hermione and Ginny on the train. He wondered briefly if they would be joining him. He half hoped they didn\'t. He didn\'t think he could look either of them in the face right now.



While Harry was sitting quietly, Snape had his wand out and was muttering charms at the door. The glass seemed to take a sheen to it it had not had before and Harry wondered what the professor had done.



"No one can see in now, Potter. No prying eyes to disturb you," the professor seemed to look at Harry expectantly.



Harry didn\'t know what the professor was looking at him for. He realized that Snape had probably done him a favor by keeping people from looking at him like some animal at the zoo. "Thank you, Professor," he said softly.



Snape took his seat opposite Harry. He honestly did not know what to do now. Giving the boy any privacy was ill advised. Just because Lucius Malfoy and the others had left for now did not mean they would not come back. And having Draco and the other children of Death Eaters on the train meant that he especially wasn\'t safe if Snape left him for a few moments.



Snape thought of the current situation he was in as the train began to move.



No, Snape would just look away and try to let the boy have a few hours to himself, to prepare for the hell that awaited him in Surrey. Surely he did not want the presence of his evil, heartless bastard of a Potions Master with him while he mourned his friend.



But Potter didn\'t seem to be mourning at all. That haze that had been present before he had picked him up and all but shoved him onto the train was absent. Potter was just sitting there quietly, not really looking at anything.



It occurred to Snape that Potter probably resented his presence here. He was probably withholding his tears and anguish because he did not want his most hated teacher to see him in a moment of weakness. There wasn\'t much Snape could do to reassure the boy. He wasn\'t entirely sure why he would want to except that no one deserved this...silence.



"Potter, I assure you that anything you should....express while we\'re together in this compartment will remain between us. He was your friend, Potter. You have the right to mourn him."



Bottle green eyes looked up from behind round glasses. "I\'m sure I don\'t know what you mean, Professor." Harry\'s shoulders were slumped and a sheen of sweat graced his brow. "I\'m fine. I don\'t need to mourn anybody."



Wonderful. Now on top of everything else, Snape had a Potter in denial to deal with. But he had been present in the aftermath of death enough times to know when someone was delusional, in denial or just hiding. After all he had seen in Potter over the last year, he knew the boy was suffering from the latter. And he could guess why. It was the same with Black the year before.



The boy blamed himself. He didn\'t think he had the right to mourn his friend.



Snape did not look forward to what he had to do next. But he had a duty to protect the boy. He would do so in whatever way was necessary. He could not send him back to that house in this state.



"You blame yourself," Snape said, not as a question but as a statement.



Harry looked up, glaring at his professor, "Blame myself for what exactly, sir?"



"You think you\'re the reason Ronald Weasley is lying in state at the Ministry. You believe yourself to be at fault for his death when it was really Lucius Malfoy\'s and my own fault..." Snape didn\'t get to finish his statement before he was interrupted.



"It was my fault!" Harry stood up from his seat. He couldn\'t believe what he was hearing. Was Snape being deliberately cruel, twisting the knife presently residing in Harry\'s chest? Harry buried his head in his hands, "You don\'t understand. None of this is happening because of you! You aren\'t the one who keeps getting the people he loves killed." Harry paced the small compartment, flailing his arms around and shouting. A small part of him was surprised the man hadn\'t hexed him yet.



"I don\'t understand, Potter? Fine, enlighten me. Tell me all about how you pushed Sirius Black through the veil at the Department of Mysteries. Please inform me how you were somehow about to cast the Imperius Curse on Lucius Malfoy so he would kill your best friend. Explain it to me, Potter. I want to understand."



Harry was livid. Snape was making fun of him! "How dare you, you utter bastard! Do you have any idea what I go through, do you have any idea of what\'s just happened?"



"No, Mr. Potter, I do not," Snape said calmly, like he was trying to coax a frightened animal out into the open. "Inform me."



Harry\'s eyes were wild as he took in the calmly sitting form of Severus Snape, whose robes still bore hex marks and hair and face were still covered in sweat from the battle. How could he be so calm? How could he just sit there when Ron was dead?



"He\'s dead! He was my best friend and he died because of me. Malfoy was aiming for me, he was there for me, he was trying to kill ME and he missed and Ron died instead," a steady stream of tears were flowing down Harry\'s face now. He was still pacing but now his hands were making fists and his body was shaking.



"Don\'t you understand, you heartless bastard, you evil git? You were protecting me but I should have been protecting him! It\'s my fault. All of this is my fault. Hermione and Ginny are in a compartment crying their eyes out because he\'s dead and he died because of me. Some auror is going to knock on the door to the Burrow and have to tell Mrs. Weasley that her youngest son is dead. How can you not understand that? Do you have any idea what regret like this feels like?!"



Snape sat silently. Now that Potter was finally talking, he was loathe to interrupt him.



"He\'s seventeen....he was seventeen. He never got the chance to ask Hermione out on a date. He probably thought he\'d have more time. He never got to take his NEWTs, he never got to try out for professional Quidditch, never got to test for the auror program. He never go to do any of that and he never will because I KILLED HIM!"



Harry\'s face was red and he was breathing like he had just run a mile. His body was shaking so badly, Snape didn\'t know how he was still on his feet.



"Thank you for telling me this, Mr. Potter. But I fear you are laboring under a misapprehension."



"What?" Harry said, still shouting at the top of his voice.



"Lucius Malfoy wasn\'t aiming for you when he cast the Killing Curse. He was aiming for me. In the heat of the moment, I thought the curse was aimed at you and I tried to protect you. I didn\'t realize he had aimed for me and that Mr. Weasley was behind the two of us, trying to keep Ms. Granger standing after Bellatrix had cursed her," Snape said quietly.



"So you see, Mr. Potter, if you are going to blame anyone besides Lucius Malfoy, I invite you to place the blame on me. If I had had a better scope of the situation, I would have been able to protect your friends as well as you. They were students, my charges, and under my protection and I failed them. I failed the Weasley family and Ms. Granger and you. I\'ll not ask for your forgiveness for there can be none. But I do ask that you not blame yourself when you are obviously not to blame."



Harry seemed to deflate completely. His arms fell lifelessly to his sides and he took the half step backwards as he fell back onto the seat behind him.



"But...why would he have been aiming for you? I was the one he was after."



"Yes, and I was your guard. I seem to recall you trying to squirm your way out from behind me but I would have none of it. You are more important than I am in this war, Mr. Potter. My death would be little more than an inconvenience."



Harry frowned at that. Exhausted after that show of emotion, he was trying to understand all that Snape was telling him. "But that\'s not true. You\'re a spy. You\'re the only eyes and ears we have in Voldemort\'s court."



Snape inwardly seethed at hearing his old Master\'s name but said nothing to Potter.



"Hmph. Well, not a spy anymore, or so it would seem, Potter."



Harry paused at that. Only now did he realize what Snape being his guard had meant. "Why would Professor Dumbledore ask you to be my guard if he knew that it would force you to blow your cover? That doesn\'t make any sense."



Snape tapped his lips and wondered exactly how much he should tell Potter. In the past, he would never even dream of revealing any part of himself to this James Potter replica. However, over the past year, he saw how Potter had matured. The events that troubled his life were shaping him to be more like his friend Lily than his enemy James.



"The Headmaster asked me to protect you because he knows that I would guard you with my life," Snape said quietly.



Snape considered the young man in front of him. There was so much about his own life that he did not know. "Would you care to know the real reason why the people you love keep "dying around you," Potter? It has nothing to do with you, you arrogant child." Harry stiffened at this but Snape silenced him with a hand.



"All that is going on around you actually has nothing to with you, Harry." The use of the boy\'s name seemed to calm him enough to ensure that he would listen to Snape\'s words. "The Dark Lord chose you. It\'s all in that bloody prophecy. He chose you when he could have chosen another. He didn\'t. He made his own enemy, Potter."



"Yeah, I know. Madmen have been making their own enemies since forever. Dumbledore told me this last year."



"Professor Dumbledore and shut your mouth and listen to me for once, you insolent child! The Dark Lord is the one behind all of this. He\'s the reason why Ronald Weasley is never going to entertain Ms. Granger at the Three Broomsticks or take his NEWTs. He\'s the reason why Sirius Black isn\'t here contaminating us with his fleas or barking to be let out for a walk. He and his loyal followers are to blame, not a sixteen year old wizard whose only mistake was being born as the seventh month dies."



Harry was slouching in his seat but he picked his head up at Snape\'s last words, "Professor Dumbledore told you the prophecy?"



Whatever had been on Snape\'s lips seemed to fade away. He seemed to slump down in his seat, as if it was possible that the man had anything less than perfect posture. His face lost that emotionless mask and something like pain flashed in his eyes. He cleared his throat as he said, "No, Potter. He didn\'t. I was there when the prophecy was made."



Snape kept his eyes on Potter as he worked his way through what Snape had just said. Snape could tell the moment he had figured it out. Blind rage took over those emerald orbs followed quickly by a look of incredible disbelief. He saw the fury on the boy\'s face but also the question.



Snape liked that. A year ago Potter wouldn\'t have wanted to know the truth. He would have attacked him before he had any answers.



The crime he had committed against the Potters was known only to two people in this world: his two masters. He knew this day would come eventually. He had escaped it for far too long.



Reckoning.



He owed this boy an explanation far more than he did to the Headmaster who had demanded so much of him since that horrible night.



"I was a Death Eater once, you know, Potter." He pulled off his outer cloak and pulled up the sleeve to his jacket revealing the angry looking Dark Mark. "I didn\'t get this Mark in order to spy on the Dark Lord. I was a Death Eater. I did the things that Death Eaters do and that included giving the information I gathered to the Dark Lord."



Snape took in Potter\'s face. He wanted to be sure the boy was listening and not just waiting to attack him. He did not want to have to subdue the boy. Sure enough, the enraged face in front of him seemed to be drinking up every word he said.



"When I heard the prophecy, I rushed to my Lord\'s side and told him everything. Later on, when I learned who the Dark Lord had targeted, I begged for her life. The life of my friend."



Potter\'s eyes widened at this. Was it so hard to believe he ever had friends?



Well, yes, perhaps it was.



"Yes, Potter, Lily was my friend. She was my only friend. We grew up together. Did that horrid excuse for a woman you call an aunt ever tell you that?"



Potter could only shake his head, his eyes wide. "But in the pensieve, what you called her..."



"Yes, I called her a mudblood. I was a Death Eater, Potter," Snape sat up as the volume of his voice grew. "There was a point in my life when I actually believed in all that pure blood rublish. If I hadn\'t interrupted you going through my private thoughts, you would have seen me begging her for forgiveness. She was my friend and the only person who accepted me for what....who I was." Snape seemed to trip on his words for a moment, which went against everything Harry knew about the man.



"That was the second largest mistake of my life and you bore witness to it," Snape was yelling at Harry now, all his well placed control leaving his body. His pale face went whiter and his eyes were unyielding.



"She was my friend," Snape seemed to echo Harry\'s words from before. "And when I learned that the Dark Lord had targeted her and your father, I went to Dumbledore. I told him everything I knew. I begged for mercy but more than that I begged for her life. And so she went into hiding with your father and with you. And I received my mercy. But I knew I was not done. I knew there could be no forgiveness, you see. So I started my illustrious career as a spy. And then she died and you defeated him. But I knew, as the Headmaster knew, that he was not truly dead. Evil like that doesn\'t die that easily, Potter.



"And so I went to teach at the school, under the ever watchful eye of Albus Dumbledore. Because he knew as well as I that this was not over. And the boy, the little child that Lily created would one day be called upon to save the world," Snape made a wide gesture with his hands. Harry had never seen such emotion on his professor\'s face.



"And I would be called upon to protect him. And I would do so. Not because it\'s my penance. There can be no forgiveness for what I\'ve done."



"Why then?" Harry croaked, his voice hoarse, "Revenge?"



"Ha! Nothing as convenient as that, I assure you. We\'re discussing Fate here, Potter. That cold, dark feeling that overtakes you when you think of the prophecy," Snape paused as Harry\'s face betrayed his feelings, "yes, that boy. That feeling. That\'s Fate.



"I don\'t know what would have happened if I hadn\'t been there to listen to that prophecy. Whether or not someone else would have been there or if the Dark Lord would have found out for himself. But I do know that I was an instrument of Fate that night. When there are prophecies and battles between good and evil Fate is usually involved. I let myself be used in that way, Potter. If I hadn\'t taken the Mark, if I hadn\'t been in that hall, I would not have been manipulated like I was.



"If only, if only, if only. But a man can only question himself so many times before he has to take action.



"So you understand why the Headmaster would ask me to guard you. Moody, Tonks, even Lupin would fight to the death for you. But when I fight, I don\'t only fight for you and I don\'t only fight for her. I\'m fighting for what\'s left of my bloody soul."



With that the Potions Master\'s mask of indifference went up and he leaned back in his seat.



"You want to talk about regret, Potter?" Snape sneered, "Let\'s compare notes."