First Heat

AN: The chapters are written alternately between Sirius' and Remus' view.

Weird with a capital W;

He was doing it again. Standing in front of the mirror with his shirt off rubbing his hand over his stomach as if he was getting fat. He wasn’t, Remus was way too skinny to be getting fat…not skinny but slim and slight and somebody should feed him up.
Actually he’d been acting generally strangely the last few days. He wont go Snivellus hunting with me or Potty…if Jamie heard me calling him Potty he’d have my guts for garters. And when I tried to show him my Ode to Snivellus during History of Snoring lessons today he just flared his nostrils at me as if I hadn’t washed for weeks.
I have honestly, did the armpit test and everything, smell my usual lovely self. Anyway the Ode was rather good. It went like this;

Oh Snivellus thou greasy pot
Your hair smells like plants that rot
Would that though should wash it
Go to the dressers and sit,
Snip they’d cut yer nosey off
Cause all thou do is snivel and cough;
Oh Snivellus, oh Snivellus
Stop being a pain, and give a break to us;
Thou jumpest into the next best bed
And go and fuck Malfoy instead!

Rather smooth. I always knew I was a skilled poet. Remus didn’t seem to agree, cause after doing the whole nostril flaring “I can smell your stink for seven miles” act. He gave me his so well practised teachers look with one eyebrow raised and that quiet tone that always made me feel this small. (literally pea sized).
“Don’t be so infantile Sirius.” I gave him my best puppy eyed look, honestly I should have that patented it always worked…usually but hell Remus totally freaked. He freaks a lot lately, like this morning when he raced out from breakfast looking rather green and muttering about “humping in the damn forest”.
But what was up with the whole belly stroking in front of the mirror shit? I never thought Remus to be a narcissist. But with the whole, touchy feeling his own body…I didn’t even think Remus had a sex drive. I mean he’s one huge mystery but one thing was clear he was probably the most asexual person I know. Cept maybe for old Dumbles or Snivellus but can’t compare them to Remus can I? Wouldn’t be fair.
“Remus what’s with the whole, feeling yourself up.” He spins round and gives me a rather shocked look out of those big round golden eyes of his.
“Sirius….” It’s barely a whisper, he looks so small and vunerable and quickly draws on his T-shirt again. I could pick him up and cuddle him, little doll. Oh god he’s doing the bloody nose thing again.
“I don’t fucking stink Remus so don’t scrunch up your nose like that.”
“I’m not scrunching up my nose..:”
“So are…”
“Am not!”
“Are!”
“Not” He snarls slightly and jumps on me, pining me to the ground with such force and speed I wouldn’t have expected of him. Fuck! I can’t dislodge him, fucking, cute little Remus Lupin pinning me to the ground. Oh if this ever got out I’d never live it down. My reputation would be in tatters…hold on is he rubbing against my leg? Is he panting…hello I’m the dog not you Remus. Got something wrong there mate. He is humping my leg…Remus Lupin is humping my fucking leg. OMG!
“Remus…” He’s off me almost as fast as he was upon me. His golden eyes glint and his honey coloured hair…hang on did I just describe his hair as honey coloured. Woah Sirius something wrong there. You did not just describe Remus like you would describe one of your conquests. Why is he looking at me like I’m a piece of meat…god I wish I knew why Remus was acting so weird. Honestly he was acting weird with a capital W.
“Remus snap out of it…” Suddenly there’s a panicky look in his eye and he dashes out, leaving me standing here…wondering if this frigging world had turned upside down. Goodness know what will happen next, like Malfoy turning into someone working for charity or Snivellus reaching the top of the girls sexiest men list in the lavs. I really must go and check that I’m still on top. Nobody beats Sirius Black to the sexiest man alive at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.