Festivus!

By Delaney Winterforth, Special Correspondent to the Prophet

This day of rejoicing started with a bang. A rally was held at the Ministry of Magic to celebrate the death of the Dark wizard known as Lord Voldemort, finally defeated through the efforts of the wizard Harry Potter. Potter overcame all odds and vanquished Voldemort, though not without cost to himself. He is recovering in St. Mungo's at present. Head Mediwitch Pytilla Quicksilver assured us that Mr. Potter will recover, though he may never regain full sight in his right eye.

The mood quickly turned to mourning, however, as the final totals of the wer were announced at the meeting. Including those who had to be destroyed for collusion with the enemy, we lost 6,859 members of the magical community to what has become known as the War of the Phoenix.

"I still can't believe he's gone," a stunned Ginevra Weasley said, tears running down her cheeks. "Ron was always there for me, and Fred could always make me laugh, even when ..."

There were cries and sobs as the names were read in a memorial to the dead. (For a full listing, see pages A20-A54.) Among the more prominent witches and wizards whose lives ended in the struggle were Filius Flitwick, Charms Professor and Head of House Ravenclaw at Hogwarts School; Ivander Thespus, famed illusionist and actor; Bertie Bott, confectioner and inventor of the popular Every Flavor Beans; Miranda Goshawk, author and teacher; Rita Skeeter, reporter; and Celestina Warbeck, well known on the Wizarding Wireless for her enchanting vocal interpretations.

But the Minister assures us that light is on the horizon. "Lord Voldemort is dead, and shall not return. Furthermore, we have an idea that should help soften the blow to the British magical community, but I do not wish to comment further until I can give you specifics." …

By Iraenius Ironhand

The magical community gave a sigh of relief as the witches and wizards of England passed Law 1757-5, the Marriage Law. It passed by an overwhelming majority vote. In an effort to both replenish the magical energies lost to the recent War of the Phoenix and help ease the tensions between Pureblood and non-Pureblood, the law provides that all single wizards and witches over the age of 18 who are of childbearing age shall marry within two weeks of receiving an offer of marriage, crossing witches and wizards of purely magical heritage with those of Muggle ancestry. Any forms of contraception are banned under the law, and charms will be cast to ensure added fertility of all parties involved. Numerous couples have already applied for marriage, and the newly created Marriage Ministry is busily performing ceremonies at all hours of the day and night.

"We're doing our best to make sure all single witches and wizards have at least one offer," chuckled Charity Niagara, Marriage Minister …