Love Songs

A/N: I have no clue when this song came out but there is a fan made video for it on Youtube. It\'s for World Of Warcraft but I think it\'s worth watching just because it\'s funny.



Song: Code Monkey

Artist: Jonathan Coulton









Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

Code Monkey have boring meeting

With boring manager Rob







Lucius’ hand shot out and smacked the alarm clock to the floor. The static chirping of electronic birds just got louder the longer he ignored it. He yanked the blanket over his head to drown out the noise and harsh dawn light, only to curse as he froze his feet by uncovering them. Reaching down he hit the reset button the clock and flopped it back on his night stand.







As he shuffled into the bathroom he muttered about all the wonderful hexes he was going to hit his son with once this little bet was over. Flipping up the toilet seat he grinned as he imagined his son with neon green hair that looked like it hadn’t been washed or brushed in months. All snarled and matted. He let out a small chuckle as he shook himself off and turned around to start the shower.







With a towel about his waist he walked over to the kitchen area of his tiny efficiency flat. After losing a bet with his sadistic son he found himself living in Muggle London and working for the Ministry as a low level paper pusher in the Treasury. As he did every morning as he drank his coffee and ate his bowl of shredded wheat, he vowed that he would never bet on Quidditch again and that the second this little stint as a Ministry peon ended his son was no longer a Malfoy. But he told himself that every time he lost a bet with Draco and nothing ever changed.







Hermione poured Draco a cup of tea as he waited for his appointment with the Minister of Magic. Sure she had achieved all Outstandings on her NEWT’s but she soon learned that her passion was for organizing other people’s lives. And so she found herself happily working as the Minister of Magic’s personal secretary. He was a very busy man and she found herself constantly working overtime organizing his social calendar, his appointments with different department heads and even making sure he had quality time with his wife and two boys.







She knew that Draco was there to see how his father was working out in his position. He kind of regretted making that bet with his father but as a Malfoy he would never let his father out of it. Malfoy’s showed no weakness and it was Hermione’s knowledge of his personal one that caused them to become friends. Draco Malfoy was madly in love with Luna.







Lucius hurried down the hall to his department head’s office. He hated these little “pep talks” as his boss called them. All the man did was complain about the quality of work that Lucius did and tell him to step it up or Lucius would be fired. And Malfoy Senior couldn’t have that happen. Part of the bet was he had to live off the earnings from this job and he was cut off from all Malfoy funds for a year. He still had six months to go.







Rob say Code Monkey very diligent

But his output stink

His code not “functional” or “elegant”

What do Code Monkey think?

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy, just proud







“Malfoy, the ministry doesn’t have the millions of galleons you do to make mistakes with. Your rate of return on these investments is dismal. My five year old son could pick better stocks then these. You’re supposed to be some kind of financial guru and you can’t even figure out compound interest! If you don’t then you can explain to the Parkinson’s” Lucius ground his teeth at the name “why they have to pay more in taxes because you couldn’t use their tax money more efficiently. Now get the hell out of my office before I have you clean out your desk.”







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you







Lucius grumbled as he stalked down the hall. His polyester robes swishing about his feet, he dreamed of when he could go back to doing what he was really good at, brewing potions. He kicked at an invisible piece of dust and nearly landed on his butt as his cheap shoes slipped on the waxed floor. A feminine giggle reached his ears.







Hermione couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at seeing Lucius. He had to pass her desk every day and it still amused her to see him in robes from Chuck’s Discount Warehouse. Lucius gave her a little scowl then smiling he strode over to her desk.







Code Monkey hang around at front desk

Tell you sweater look nice







“Well hello there Hermione, that color looks fantastic on you.” Hermione shook her head.







“Thanks Lucius.” She went back to her work with a smile. The minister was heading out of town the next week and there were literally hundreds of details for her to work out before Friday. She only had two days left.







“Would you like me to grab you some soda from the machine? It’s rather warm in here, it’ll be cold.” She looked at him and gave him a small smile.







Code Monkey offer buy you soda

Bring you cup, bring you ice

You say no thank you for the soda cause

Soda make you fat

Anyway you busy with the telephone

No time for chat







“No thanks. I’ve got a bit of a tummy issue and caffeine doesn’t agree too well. I really need to get back to work.” Hermione felt bad as he turned to head back to his office. She knew his boss was an ass and that he chewed people out for no reason other then to make himself feel better. But she had way too much to do today and talking with Lucius would just put her further behind.







Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work

Code Monkey not thinking so straight

Code Monkey not feeling so great







Lucius sat at his desk with his head in his hands. After his boss’ lecture and now Hermione\'s dismissal he had a throbbing headache. If Severus had still been alive then he could owl him for one of his famous headache potions but the formula died with the potions master. He tried to get back into his work but his mind kept wandering.







At lunch he unpacked his sandwich and stared at it. He was getting used to packing his lunch in the mornings since he couldn’t afford to eat at the cafeteria everyday much less head out to a pub or café. Still had problems with the peanut butter to jam ratio but at least he wasn’t gluing his tongue to the roof of his mouth anymore. Now he was more getting sticky spots on his robes from the dripping sweet preserves.







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey like you a lot







As he bit into his lunch he pictured what he would have been doing still if he hadn’t lost that bet. Getting up at noon, a nice breakfast with pancakes and sausages, and big old pot of good Columbian coffee. Maybe a swim in the outdoor pool if it was nice, the indoor one if it was raining; then perhaps a nap in the library next to the fire with his cat purring on his chest. Harry’s voice cut through the haze of his fantasies.







Code Monkey have every reason

To get out this place

Code Monkey just keep on working

See your soft pretty face







“Oy, Malfoy. You’ve got jam dripping down your arm again.” Lucius snapped out of his stupor and thanked the Boy Who Lived. “So how much longer till you’ve satisfied the bet?”







Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake

Take bath, take nap







“Too long.” Lucius grumbled. It wasn’t that he was sitting next to Harry or that Ron Weasley was stuffing his face across the table. No the two of them had put aside their dislike of the Malfoy’s quite easily and helped him learn the basics of having to take care of himself. Harry got him the job at the Ministry and Ron taught him how to pinch his sickles. The three of them had become friends easily and the boys were still helping Lucius on a regular basis with the basics of cooking and laundry.







“Why don’t you just quit mate?” Ron had mastered the art of talking with his mouth full much to his wife, Lavender’s, dismay. Lucius just gave Ron a look. Ron didn’t catch the meaning but Harry had his suspicions.







“There’s someone isn’t there?” Harry asked. Lucius dropped his head to the table with a loud thud. “By Jove there is isn’t there?”







“I’ve had other job offers but I like the company here. That doesn’t mean there is someone special though.”







One could almost see the smoke pouring out of Ron’s ears as he thought. He made a great Auror but he wasn’t a very deep thinker. And trying to remember who Lucius worked with was taxing his brain. All of a sudden one could see the light bulb moment.







This job “fulfilling in creative way”

Such a load of crap

Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you

Code Monkey just waiting for now

Code Monkey say someday, somehow



“Mione’?” Lucius buried his head deeper in his arms. He still had some sense of pride left and wasn’t about to admit that he had a crush on the Minister’s personal secretary. If it hadn’t been for the stupid bet he would still be looking at her as a bushy haired know it all who just happened to be his son’s friend. Nope, now he was spending precious time scheming how to ask her on a date.







“Malfoy, I highly doubt you’re here for the intellectual stimulation. So why the hell do you stay.” An answer was muffled by the fabric at Lucius’ elbow.” I can’t hear you.” Harry gave Lucius a little smirk.







“Ok fine. I’m still here because I want to bend your bushy haired buddy over the Minister’s desk and have my wicked, wicked way with her.” Lucius growled and tossed his sandwich container back in his lunch box.







Lucius grumbled on his way back to his office. He had another job offer the other day and he was debating on whether to take it. It wasn’t much more money but he couldn’t blame them. He didn’t really have much real world work experience. Maybe with Harry’s help he could find a flat that actually had a bedroom and not just one big room. Or one with a laundry in the basement so he didn’t have to tell everyone at the Laundromat that he an actor to explain his robes.







Lucius muddled his way through the rest of his week. Harry and Ron kept their mouth shut about Hermione but they kept giving him a knowing look. He wasn’t sure if it was because he falling love with Hermione or the fact he didn’t have to call Arthur to help him with his laundry this week. He was tempted to ask but he didn’t really want to know. He learned a long time ago that if you didn’t want to know the answer then you didn’t ask.







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you







As Friday afternoon came to a close he finished up the last of his paperwork. Hermione popped her head in his office and startled him.







“I heard about your job offer Lucius. I think you should take it.”







“I happen to like working here.” Lucius didn’t sound very convincing even to his own ears. He had been threatened with getting fired again but his boss liked having a Malfoy obeying him so he knew his job was safe.







“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Come on, I’ll finish those up for you real quick and we can go to the pub and celebrate your new job.” Hermione quickly whipped his paperwork in shape and he just signed where he needed to. With a flick of her wand the papers all went soaring into their proper files.







“There is no new job Hermione. I haven’t accepted it.” He hung his head.







“Well then we’ll go celebrate my new job. I quit today and I start my new job on Monday. I’ll admit that I am going to miss working with you. I accepted because I thought you were going to.”







Lucius’ ears perked up. His offer had been from a newly opening potions shop in Hogsmeade and they had mentioned him possibly working with some current colleagues.







“You’re going to be working for the new shop in Hogsmeade?”







“Patient Potions? Yep. I’m their new shop manager.”







“Well then I think I’m going to quit here and accept the offer. Now about that drink.” With a patented Malfoy smirk he extended his arm. Hermione slipped her hand into his elbow and let him lead the way.





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Song: Code Monkey

Artist: Jonathan Coulton







Code Monkey get up get coffee

Code Monkey go to job

Code Monkey have boring meeting

With boring manager Rob

Rob say Code Monkey very diligent

But his output stink

His code not “functional” or “elegant”

What do Code Monkey think?

Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself

Code Monkey not say it out loud

Code Monkey not crazy, just proud







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you







Code Monkey hang around at front desk

Tell you sweater look nice

Code Monkey offer buy you soda

Bring you cup, bring you ice

You say no thank you for the soda cause

Soda make you fat

Anyway you busy with the telephone

No time for chat

Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work

Code Monkey not thinking so straight

Code Monkey not feeling so great







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey like you a lot







Code Monkey have every reason

To get out this place

Code Monkey just keep on working

See your soft pretty face

Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake

Take bath, take nap

This job “fulfilling in creative way”

Such a load of crap

Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you

Code Monkey just waiting for now

Code Monkey say someday, somehow







Code Monkey like Fritos

Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew

Code Monkey very simple man

With big warm fuzzy secret heart:

Code Monkey like you