Eye of the Beholder

Chapter 19

Chapter 19. Decisions Make

"Damn it! Damn that man!" Snape yelled. He picked up the closest thing he could get his hands on, a small black cauldron, and threw it against the wall. There was a thunk and as it landed on the floor, he noticed the small dent in it. He felt no better, so he took aim and kicked a stool across the room. It collided with the legs of the sink and splintered. There. Now he felt a margin of satisfaction.

 
This is the last thing he needed. Of all people, Lucius, here, in MY LAB, he thought. Snape walked over to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He was still shaking in anger after the confrontation. He gripped the edges of the sink in his hands, and stared back at his reflection. Taking deep breaths, he tried to calm himself.

 
OK, he thought. First things first. The potions for the Dark Revel. No problem, he could get them done within a week or so. He will have to check his inventory first, but he was pretty sure he had everything.

 
Secondly, Sasha. He was worried. When Lucius came into the room he immediately felt her back up to him, and he noticed how she was trembling. Under any other circumstances he would have taken that as a good sign, since she was seeking him out for reassurance. However, if there was something wrong, and if it involved Lucius for any reason, he had to find out why. This was very important.

 
Thirdly, the Dark Revel. Lucius had indirectly threatened to involve Sasha in it. There was no way he would ever jeopardize Sasha’s safety, but for whatever reason, Lucius had figured out she meant more to him than just a student. He would have to be very careful here. He was not too sure where to proceed, and would have to think about this a bit.

 
Finally, there was something that was bothering him about what Lucius had said. Or rather, imd. Hd. He said something about old friends, and referred to the three of them, Snape, Sasha and Lucius. He had no idea what that was all about.

 
Snape sighed, and removing his hands from the sink, stood up. Right now he really wanted to see her. He had to talk to her. He knew he had no right to go seek her out after ignoring her for the past two days, but the urge to make sure sas Oas OK was overwhelming.

 
Snape took out his wand, and standing before his family mirror, he concentrated on forming the image of him and Sasha, the first day they started their potions experiment, in his mind. The mirror was charmed, and allowed the user to bring up any image that was imprinted on it. He uttered the spell that would recall the image, and it slowly appeared in the glass. He stared at it for the longest time.

 
She was looking directly at the mirror, while he was staring into the image of her eyes. She had the faintest of smiles on her face, and appeared… happy. Happy to be there, with him. He had an enigmatic look on his face. You would never be able to tell that was the day he had started to fall in love with her. Admitting it is the first step, Snape old boy, he thought to himself.

 
Snape sighed again. It was true. There was no way he could deny it any longer. His reaction to the possibility of Lucius involving her in the disgusting rituals of the Dark Revel was too strong to pass off. No more games, he thought to himself, you have to go find her, and talk to her.

 
With a wave of his wand the image in the mirror vanished. Determined, Snape walked out of the potions lab to find Sasha.

 
**

 
She had finished her bath, and feeling like getting some fresh air, she walked up to the alcoves. She was sitting in her favorite alcove when she heard the commotion below. Angry voices were raised, and she only recognized one of them. Snape.

 
"Let me in! I am one of the staff, and it is imperative that I find her!" It was Snape’s angry voice.

 
"Not without the password," came the snarky reply. Angry squawking sounds backed this response up.

 
"Alright then," Snape said through clenched teeth, "can you at least tell me if she is even in there? If she is not, I will leave you alone."

 
"Nope." Firm resolve from the respondent.

 
"No, she is not there, or no, you won’t tell me," Snape asked in exasperation.

 
"Nope, I won’t tell you," the voice said smugly.

 
Sasha had to prevent herself from laughing. She had quietly crept down the stairs to see Snape standing in front of the Ravenclaw painting of the buzzards, his hands on his hips, arguing with them. The buzzards were all puffed up, watching him with their beady little eyes. Some of them were strutting back and forth, their feathers ruffled, trying to intimidate Snape into going away. It looked like the argument had been going on for some time before their voices became raised, and she happened to overhear just the last part of it. It also looked like the birds were winning the argument.

 
"Professor Snape?" she asked. He turned and looked at her. The exasperation on his face was pricel and and she had to suppress a smile.

 
"There you are," he said striding over towards her. "I have been looking for you. We need to talk. Now." His tone made it clear was not in a good mood.

 
"OK," she said. Sasha turned to the buzzards. "White Meat." The painting opened at the password. She was about to step through the painting and into the common room, when Snape stopped her with a hand on her arm.

 
"Sasha. We should go elsewhere. There are very important issues I wish to discuss and, as you know, the walls have ears." Snape nodded his head, indicating the people and animals in the paintings surrounding them. He assumed there would be more in the common room. "If you don’t mind, I would prefer my dungeon, as I can ward it to detect if anyone is listening in." He failed to tell her that he felt awkward talking in the Ravenclaw common room. If hre are about to discuss some delicate matters, he would much prefer it be on his terms, in his office, where he was comfortable.

 
Snape looked at her with such intensity, she had the feeling this would not just be a talk about ‘them’, but had something to do with the visit from Lucius Malfoy.

 
"All right," she agreed reluctantly. She would prefer to stay up here where she was more at ease, but she trusted Snape enough to take his advice.

 
Together, they walked down to Snape’s dungeon. They did not say much along the way; each somewhat lost in thought. Snape ushered her through the potions class door, then removed his wand and set the locking charms. He did the same with his office door, once they were inside.

 
She walked over to the couch and sat down. She tried hard not to think about the last time they were sitting there, and Snape was holding her in his arms, kissing her. Sasha watched him as he came over and sat down beside her. He looked worried and preoccupied. Well, as much as Snape ever shows his emotions, she thought briefly. She knew he did not ask her down here then lock and ward the doors just to talk about ‘them’. There was something else much more important that he was worried about. And that made her worry. She resisted the urge to reach over and take his hand in hers.

 
"Well," she began. "I’d venture to guess this has something to do with the visit this morning from Lucius Malfoy?" She looked up at him with her clear, gray eyes. Snape grimly nodded his head. My God, where to begin, he thought.

 
"Frankly, Sasha, I am worried. About you, and about Lucius. It is very unfortunate that he found us in the lab together this morning. It is not that I am worried he will go to Dumbledore, since the Headmaster already knows what we are doing, and approves of it." Snape took a deep breath here. "It is just that I know Lucius. We go back a long time together. We spent a considerable amount of time as associates when I was serving the Dark Lord." He paused for a moment, selecting his words carefully.

 
"Lucius still follows the Dark Path," he began. "In many ways, I, too, am still involved. I monitor the activities of the Death Eaters, but I try as much as possible to keep myself at arm length. However, sometimes, that is simply not possible." Snape was staring straight ahead into the cold fire while he was telling her this. Now, he turned and the intensity of his stare frightened here ree realized what he was telling her was very, very important.

 
"After you left the room today, Lucius made a subtle threat to me. There are things he would like me to do for the Death Eaters, and if I don’t, well, let’s just say he suggested it would not be in your best interests," he said obliquely. He was still staring at her with that look of intense control, as if he could will her into understanding what he meant.

 
She realized the enormity of what he was telling her, but she was still confused. "What do you mean, ‘not be in your best interests’?" Her face fell. "Exactly what is it that he wants you to do?" she asked quietly, frightened. She remembered the feeling of terror that came over her when Lucius first came into Snape’s lab. She had no doubt he could follow through on any threat he made.

 
Snape looked away. He was debating how much more he should tell her. He knew that if he explained everything to her, about the Death Eaters and their sick rituals, then she would fully understand the danger she was in. She would be prepared if Lucius tried anything, and maybe there was something they could do to protect her.

 
However, if he told her everything, she would also realize he was once an active part of that - that he chose to participate in the Dark Revels. And worse, that he continued to play a part in them, even if it was only at a distance. She would think he was a sick, perverted old man, and would despise him as much as he despised himself. He knew if he told her, there was a good chance he would lose her forever. I can’t risk that, he thought. Not when he was just beginning to accept her love for him.

 
Snape bent forward and pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose. Sasha could sense that he was struggling with some inner conflict. While she was frightened by Snape’s words, she felt worse seeing him like this. She reached out her hand and hesitantly stroked it along his back. She wanted to reassure him just as he had reassured her earlier on, when Lucius was in the lab. She waited for Snape to come to grips with what he was about to tell her.

 
Snape felt her caress him, and the compassion he felt in her touch caused his heart to break. He had decided. No matter what she thought of him, even if she hated him for the rest of her life, he had to tell her. He had no choice. He could not risk putting her in danger by not warning her against Lucius. God knows that man was capable of anything.

 
Snape raised his head and looked at her. She was so beautiful to him. He did not even see her scar anymore, but saw through it to the woman beneath. He realized this might be the last time she will ever look at him with respect or affection, ever again. The thought caused his heart to constrict into an almost physical pain in his chest. He had no choice. He cared too much for her not to tell her.

 
Snape turned in his seat, and took her hands in his. It was not a romantic gesture, but one meant to get her full attention.

 
"Sasha. What I have to tell you is very important to me. I ask that you do not interrupt, and that you hear me through before you make any judgement against me. I want you to know the full truth about me, about Lucius, and about the Death Eaters. And about why you are potentially in a great deal of danger."

 
So he told her. Everything. About how at first, he was seduced into becoming Death Eaters. About how he participated in the Dark Revels, and what went on in them. How he was so reluctant at first, but then slowly he became conditioned to enjoy the lust and perversions that went on. About how eventually, he began to have doubts about his role as a Death Eater, and that he realized he wanted out. How he finally went and confessed to Dumbledore, and his decision to become a spy against the Dark Lord. How he still provided potions to the Death Eaters and the unfortunates, in order to maintain his cover.

 
He also told her about Lucius’s suspicions that he had become a spy, since he no longer participated to the extent that he used to, and how Lucius brought those suspicions to Lord Voldemort, himself. In his detached, emotionless voice Snape explained the torture he was put under, and of how he almost broke and told Voldemort everything, just before he was released from the excruciating pain of the curse. And, of how Voldemort in turn tortured Lucius in retribution for the false accusations against Snape. And that this was the source of the hatred between the two of them, and for Lucius’s need for revenge. He told her that this drive for revenge is what made Lucius very dangerous, and that if he ever found out hoch Sch Sasha meant to him, he would not hesitate to use that against him. This is why she would have to be so careful around Lucius.

 
Snape finished his confession. There was a heavy silence in the room after all his talking. He felt emotionally drained, and physically tired. He could not meet Sasha’s eyes for fear of seeing the disgust rej rejection there. He wished she would just get up and tell him what a sicko he was and be done with it.

 
Sasha had sat there and listened to him for the past hour. She was at first shocked at what he had to say. She realized he was at one point heavily involved with the Death Eaters, but she had no idea the extent, and degree of perversion that went on.

 
However, she also saw beyond that. She had enough wisdom to recognize the incredible effort it must have taken to distance himself from the Death Eaters. And the courage it took to confess to such a powerful wizard as Dumbledore. He had paid for his alignment to the Dark Lord in many ways. By being tortured to such an extent he should have died, or worse, confessed. Also, by his continued self-loathing, which was even sadder, because it meant he still never forgave himself for what he had done in the past.

 
She peered at him. Snape was slumped back in the couch staring straight ahead at the fireplace. He looked utterly exhausted.

 
Sasha slipped from the couch, and knelt down in front of Snape. She reached up and took both his hands in hers, and rested them on his knees. She forced his eyes to meet hers, and held his gaze.

 
"I want to tell you something. When I was younger, my mother used to tell me I was a child of the Devil, and that I was evil. She would say this to me over and over until eventually, I started to believe it. When I had my accident, she told me it was caused by the Devil’s minions, and that they had come to mark me as one of their own. For a long time, whenever I looked in the mirror and saw my scar, I somehow believed that too. I thought I was so evil, and so bad, that even the ‘Devil’s minions’ did not want me."

 
"You can imagine how that makes a child feel knowing she is the spawn of the Devil. It took a long time for me to realthisthis was not true. When I started Hogwarts, I still half believed it, until I saw what the other students could do. I now know for a fact that she is wrong."

 
"However, whenever I go home, she starts in again with me, insisting I am evil, and a devil-child. And sometimes, I catch myself almost believing her again."

 
"Sometimeseed eed to be reminded every now and then that I am not an evil person. Sometimes it takes another person to remind me of that, like my Grandmother, or the doctors who helped treat me. It doesn’t matter who, but it matters that you hear it from someone else." Sasha leaned forward so Snape could not look away.

 
"You are not a bad man, Severus," she insisted. "You did some terrible things when you were younger, however that does not mean that you, yourself, are evil. You have enough sense of right and wrong to realize what you were doing was wrong. And you had enough strength to get out."

 
"You have put yourself at great personal risk to keep an eye on the Death Eaters for Dumbledore, and that is not something a coward would do. It takes courage to keep up that kind of pretence, and for so many years. Even Dumbledore must have seen the goodness in you, otherwise he would have never let you teach here at Hogwartuot;uot;

 
"I want you to know that what you have told me here, today, does not change my opinion of you. It frightens me a bit, but I think no less of you. It gives me better insight into what you have to live with, and the kind of difficult decisions you must have to make as a result of you being a spy."

 
She leaned back, but still kept her focus on Snape’s face. "I realize you have told me all this so that I truly understand the danger I am in from Lucius. I have to thank you, for trusting me with this knowledge. I promise not to say a word to anyone about it."

 
Snape just looked at her for the longest time. He could not believe what she had said. Even after what he told her, after he showed her the blackness of his soul, it did not change her opinion of him. She was shocked perhaps, frightened, definitely, but not revolted. How someone could still care for him after what he said to her was beyond his understanding. But the fact was, she still did.

 
With shaking hands, Snape reached forward and cupped her face tenderly. He looked deeply into her gray eyes, probing them, daring them to reveal her to be a liar. She held his gaze steadily, and he knew she was telling him the truth. Sasha leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest. Snape tightened his arms around her, and they stayed that way for the longest time, finding comfort and reassurance in each other’s embrace.

 
Eventually, they released from one another. Snape looked at her and smiled. For the first time in a very long time, he actually felt like smiling. He felt a general sense of relief, and if a burden he never knew he had been carrying had been lifted from his shoulders.

 
"How are you doing?" he asked.

 
She smiled back at him. "Hungry. We missed dinner ages ago."

 
Snape stood up and went over to the corner of the room. He pulled on a long rope, and within seconds a house elf appeared, and bowed at Snape.

 
He addressed her, not unkindly. "Is it too late to have dinner for two sent down here to my office?" he inquired. The elf shook her head, bowed again, and hurried from the room.

 
Snape turned back to Sasha. He still felt tired. "I think I am in need of cleaning-up before dinner. Today has been one hell of a day," he said wearily. He excused himself, and walked back into his private chambers. He was looking forward to a very hot shower.

 
Sasha stood and stretched. It felt good to move around a bit. She went over to the fireplace and restocked the wood. Many things were easier to do with magic, such as start a fire, or clean up the ashes. However, it still required real wood to burn, and that had to be stacked.

 
She was just straightening up from attending the fire when the house elf returned, loaded down with what seemed like enough food to feed all the inhabitants of the Forbidden Forest for a good month. Sasha thanked the elf, and took the tray. She placed it on the low table in front of the fire, and was just removing the plates when Snape walked back in. He had changed, and his jet-black hair was slicked back, still wet from his shower. She paused to watch him. She thought he had never looked so handsome.

 
As Sasha set the table, Snape walked back towards his desk and opened his liquor cabinet. He removed a dusty bottle of cabernet sauvignon, opened it, and brought over two glasses. He filled each about half way, then sat down next to Sasha.

 
He handed her one of the glasses, and picked up the other. He held it up and looked at her.

 
"A toast?" he inquired softly.

 
Sasha smiled, and thought for a moment. "Something positive. To a successful potion?" she offered questioningly.

 
Snape looked at her, his face carefully void of emotion. He shook his head. "Something simpler," he said. He stared at her, taking in the delicate features of her face, and the question in her eyes. He was not too sure how to say what he felt inside, after their talk.

 
He held his glass up to hers. "To us," he said quietly, looking her in the eye.

 
Those two words, combined with the look of sincerity on his face, conveyed more about how Snape felt towards her, than a novel filled with love sonnets ever could. Her heart leapt in her chest. She moved her glass up to touch and accept his offered one.

"To us."