Punishment

Warnings: If you don'tw myw my warmings already, you haven't read it carefully enough- go back and start from the beginning.:)

Attn: If you don't know Harry Potter belongs to J.K.- go to church and confess your sin.

Severus woke up with a pounding headache. Why did he put himself through this every night? Oh yeah…now he remembers . Alex- No- Miss Owens. MissOwensMissOwensMissOwens. Get it through your head. She was the cause of all this. If she never walked into his life, he would never feel the pain. The constant ache in his chest or the unsettling stomach flips, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. The only time it went away was when she was there with him. It was like she took his heart and soul with her every time she left. And this was why he had to push her away. Severus Snape did not need anyone. He had spent his whole life alone, it was too late to change it in the middle, when he had his routine down just the way he liked it- without anyone. If this is what it meant to be in love, this constant agony, he wanted no part in it. This was why he was avoiding her, and hadn’t seen her in days. This is why he drank himself into oblivion every night. Anything to not feel pain for a few seconds, minutes, hours, however long he drank. He didn’t feel anything while the bottle was upside down; except the burning of the alcohol sliding down his throat, pooling in his stomach, and spreading to his limbs. Numb. That’s the way he liked to be.

He sat up with a groan and a hand to his head. At the site of a pair of underwear on the floor, which was clearly not of the male gender, he remembered that it hadn’t been days since he last saw her. It had been last night.

“Oh fuck what did I do?” He remembered that she came to the door and he answered it and she started asking him questions. They had gotten into a heated argument, and then he…oh gods. The scene flashed before his eyes as if his mind was throwing what he did in his face just to torture him. His cock twitched as he remembered how she had moaned at what he said, and how he made her cum. Then he had thrown her out, like he should’ve done in the first place. This was partly his fault too, if he had controlled himself in the very beginning, and hadn’t cast that spell, he wouldn’t find himself in this predicament. No, that was her fault too- she had broken into his private labs and… He moaned again as yet another flash of memory repeated itself to pain him even more.

After she left last night Albus had come by for a visit. Albus! Albus knew! Oh shit, he was going to be sacked…wait…no, that’s not right…he didn’t care. Actually he did, but he wanted Severus to actually go after her. Shit.

Maybe he should stop drinking. It got him into too much trouble. It was fine if he was going to be left alone, but he never knew when some one would come waltzing in uninvited. Like last night. He should find someg elg else in place of the alcohol. He rose and found himself a hang over potion in his bathroom.

After lunch, where he was disappointed to not see Alex, he went into his potions supply room. There must be something here that could have the same affects of alcohol without the forgetting and losing control that came with it. Not getting sick or having a hangover afterwards would also be a plus. He just wanted that release from the constant pain. He stopped at one particular jar. Muggles liked to use this. Cannabis. Or Marijuana, weed, bud, M.J. as he heard several of his students from muggle backgrounds call it. It wasn’t illegal in the wizarding world, as it was used in potions, but wizards didn’t use it for recreational purposes like muggles did. What could smoking this plant really do? He picked it up and looked at the green leaves in the jar. What possible good could come out of inhaling this smoke? But then again, muggles had come up with alcohoHe sHe shrugged. No harm in trying. He took the jar to his room and set it down on the table, looking at it. Still debating whether or not to try it, he started to straighten out his room, as it was in a much needed state of repairing. After he was done he took a clean quill and sat down, looking at the jar, twirling the feather in his fingers. He absent-mindedly took the quill and scratched at an itch on his wrist with tip tip. He looked down at the quill, and then at his wrist. He brought the quill back, and began rubbing back and forth. His skin went from pink to irritated to red and finally started to bleed. He let out a sigh of relief. Now he understood why people cut themselves. He wasn’t doing it to commit suicide, he wasn’t that stupid, he wanted to live, and he did it to live, and he didn’t do it over a vain, so he could go as deep as he wanted. So he kept at it, deeper and deeper. While he kept doing it, any pain he had was directe tha that one little spot on his wrist. He would take any pain over the pain that infected every other parthis his body, even if just for a few minutes. He watched in fascination as the blood dripped down his arm. He took the quill and a piece of parchment. Lifting the blood up with the tip of his quill, he wrote REMEMBER in liquid red letters, and watched it dry. Hopefully he had cut deep enough to leave a scar. A reminder not to get too close. A reminder of what happens. What you feel when you get to close, and what you will do to escape it. A mirror image of what his heart looks like, what it feels like. His wrist still burned and throbbed. It felt wonderful to feel anything besides the emptiness.

He took out his pipe, and packed the green leaves in it. Well, here goes nothing. With his wand, he lit it and took a deep drag. He started coughing and didn’t stop for a while before he got himself a glass of water. He took a big sigh. Did he really want to try that again? Ugh. Now he had ruined a good portion of Cannabis that could’ve been used for three different potions. Well, what else was he going to do with it? He sat back down and lit it again. This time it wasn’t so bad. He took another drag after that, and another, and…nothing…What the hell was this stuff supposed to do? It wasn’t doing a Merlin’s damned thing to him. Great. He sat there pondering what to do next. He could always go open more Fire Whiskeyhat hat stuff never lets him down. He needed music. Some kind of noise to quiet the voices in his head. He stood up and the room seemed to go blurry. All of a sudden, he was at the muggle box. How did he end up here? It seemed to take him forever to get here, but he can’t remember the walk. He felt light. It’s working! He started laughing. It had been a while since he had laughed. What was he doing again? Oh yeah…music. He had confiscated this contraption from one of his students during a particularly foul mood after he was playing the blasted thing in the hall. He ended up quite enjoying the thing anyways. Which round mirror should he play today? One that suited his mood…ah yes. The black one with the rainbow through it. He was feeling quiet happy right now. Like a rainbow. He started laughing again. Walking back to the couch, he could have sworn he almoalmost running, but the couch always seemed so far away, and it took forever to get there until he fell on top of it. And then once he realized he was on the couch already, the trip seemed like it happened in a flash. OK, so maybe muggles did know what they were doing. He hadn’t felt so care free since…well, ever! And he couldn’t get this grin off his face. It actually hurt, and he couldn’t stop smiling. This was so…brilliant! He couldn’t feel his legs, and he was happy. He watched the fire in the grate and the flames seemed to tickle his eyes. The music seemed to dance and swim in his head. He could feel the beats pulsing through his body. Like the music was apart of him. Wow. He had never used that word. He started laughing again. This was much better than alcohol.

“Severus…?”

Severus looked up startled, before a huge grin broke out on his face again.

“Albus! How are you? You batty old codger!” He started laughing and couldn’t stop.

Albus smiled and came over to sit next to him. “I see you’ve found the delights of smoking weed, Severus.”

“Oh yes, did you know I can feel the Music? But I can’t feel my legs?” And burst out into a laughing fit again. “And the fire is tickling my eyes. Albus…Albus-your beard is long!”

“And I see you’ve had a lot of it too.” He looked at Severus somberly. “You do know you can’t escape forever, Severus. You’ll just prolong the pain. There’s no reason to feel the pain anyways, as you can get what you want. And I suggest you only do this once in a while. Speaking of which.” He took up the pipe and had a long drag and sighed. “It’s been a while for me.” After staring into the flames for a while, he said “Severus, what made you listen to muggle music? Especially Pink Floyd?”

“I wanted to listen to music, and what’s a pink floyd?”

“The band.”

“Ah… but that doesn’t make sense, the cover is black!” And they burst into fits of giggles.

*****************************


Weed was a lot better than alcohol. No lingering affects afterwards, besides being hungry, and wanting a nap. Which was just fine with him. It was New Years Eve. The students would be returning in a few days. And he had not seen Alex since that drunken night. That was a blessing and a smack in the face at the same time. He missed her. But that was no good. Love is a weakness. This phrase had become a mantra for him; as he repeated it to himself several times a day. Why was she avoiding him at all costs? She had skipped every meal, and he knew she hadn’t gone home for the holidays.

He was making rounds. It was almost midnight on New Years Eve. He was trying to break his record of catching students out in the halls on this particular night. Even though there weren’t many students here, most of them liked to come out for a snog session. Teenagers and their sentimental hormones he sneered. Then he saw her. In an emerald green, low-cut dress and a slit all the way up the side. He could hear the chanting ten ten down to one start in the usual New Years fashion. He seemed drawn to her; he couldn’t look away. She was gorgeous. He started walking towards her. 6…5…4… He reached her, and she pointed up. Above them hung Mistletoe. He looked back into her eyes. …3…2…1 Their lips met in a passionate kiss. “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Happy Holidays, Severus.”

And with that, she vanished. Not a trace of her. And no Mistletoe overhead.

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