Wizard's Porn

A/N: Idea for Lu’s ruin is not completely mine – it was inspired by Doctor Who. I do not own the BBC drama, as I do not own Harry Potter.



Remus and Narcissa had called everyone to them to announce that they would be getting married – not in the Summer, as Lucius had predicted, but before Christmas – five weeks away. It was likely to be an intimate affair within a fortnight.



They apparently had decided upon a Summer wedding, but the ridiculously-in-love couple (Lucius’s words) wanted the next Lupin to actually be a Lupin at his birth; and Narcissa wanted her wedding dress (already purchased) to fit. She wasn’t particularly vain anymore – but the less controversy the better.



“What do I buy for a wedding gift?” Lucius muttered as he strolled down Diagon Alley. This had always been Narcissa’s domain; she’d know he hadn’t paid a jot of notice to her purchases for friends and family when they were married – and she’d know by taking one look at his completely inappropriate choice of gift.



“I could get Diagon Alley vouchers… though, I think ‘Cissa once told me vouchers showed you hadn’t made an effort, or didn’t know much about who you bought for…” he blinked, “Or, it gives the couple a chance to buy something they actually want.”



“Talking to yourself means you’re mad, you know.” A witch said as she passed him.



“Excuse me?” he said.



“Need a healer to check your ears too?” she said as if talking to a three-year-old, turning her head with a flick of her grey hair.



“How strange.” Lucius muttered, and continued to peruse the shop windows. A thought struck him – or more accurately a small mind-clearing charm (used a lot with patients needing mind healing) struck him at the same time as the thought. The aristocrat turned, seeing only bustling shoppers.



“I never did like Thursdays.” He muttered, forgetting what he was thinking.



He continued down the lane, coming to a halt at a recently opened confectioner’s. Chocolate. Chocolate would be a good gift – and he could pre-order something to be made especially for them for whenever they set a date. He was about to step through the door, only to see the owner, a witch in her thirties wearing a chocolate-smeared apron, turn over the sign on the door to CLOSED.



“It is five-and-twenty minutes past eleven – the sign says you do not close until five o’clock.” Lucius said into the glass. The shop owner simply shrugged, sympathetically, and turned her back.



“Well! The nerve!” he muttered.



*****



It was the same scene up and down Diagon Alley, shopkeepers turning their signs to CLOSED as he approached their doors, only to turn them to OPEN as another customer passed. Most looked at him with sympathy and spoke to him like he didn’t understand English.



“Do I suddenly have a plague?” he asked himself, an elderly couple passed him.



“First sign of madness, that is, talking to yourself.” The woman tutted, ignoring him and continuing on their way, she held her bonnet on her head as a gust of cold wind threatened to take it.



“Am I awake?” he muttered, realising he’d better keep his thoughts in his head.



“Mad. I tell you, mad as cheese. Still talking to himself, poor thing.” Said the old man to his wife, both stepping into the enthusiastic confectioner’s shop.



“How is cheese mad? It’s just off milk.” He whispered. Looking at his watch, he decided to take his noon meal in his favourite restaurant. The owner always managed to fit him in – even without booking.



“A table for one, Kevin.” Lucius stated at the little podium near the door, already removing his hat and gloves. He never went out without his hat or gloves during the day, it wasn’t good breeding to do so.



“I… am… so… sorry… Mr…. Malfoy…” The owner said slowly, smiling gently. “I… will… floo… for… your… son… to… collect… you.”



“Collect… me…?... Why?” Lucius said, equally slow.



“Oh… dear… you’d… better… sit… down… before… you… hurt… yourself… poor… sir.” The waiter said, an elf arriving with a plastic cup of water.



“What’s this?” Lucius asked, not sure why he should be given a plastic cup – strange muggle product – though interesting.



“Oh… it… is… water… wa-ter.” The owner had a waiter stand watch over him, as he sat there, completely lost.



“What’s going on?” Lucius asked the lad in the tuxedo and apron.



“Well… you are in a place in Diagon Alley. Remember? Di-a-gon Al-ley.” The lad said, patting him on the shoulder in a reassuring manner.



“ Lovely.” Lucius grinned, humouring the lad’s obviously slow mind; good Merlin, they were going downhill if they were hiring such slow staff.



“Great! Just Great!” the waiter beamed, nodding at him. “You obviously haven’t had your medicine today.” The lad muttered under his breath.



“What medicine? Why today?” Lucius said, flabbergasted. His facial expression wouldn’t have looked out of place in a fish tank; his mouth opening and closing as no words came out.



“Oh dear… he hasn’t had his medicine, sir.” The waiter said to his boss, shaking his head.



“Ah. And I can’t get hold of Master Malfoy either – but I managed to get hold of his estranged wife.” The owner said, conspiratively, “No wonder she left him, being a full time carer for someone… well… like this is hard. I looked after my old Mum towards the end – she was the same.” The owner looked like he was close to tears.



“I’m like an ill old woman? What is this?” Lucius looked into the plastic cup with suspicion, “There’s got to be something in the water.” He peered in closer, closing one eye.



“Poor man is delusional now.” Whispered the waiter, backing away slowly.



“Oi! Get your backside back here now! Don’t just wander off and leave me with your mad owner!” he shouted, grabbing the lad’s jacket and yanking him backwards; the young man landed in Lucius’s lap.



“Sir? Help?”



“Erm, don’t make any sudden movements. Keep nice and still.” The owner said, approaching Lucius like he would a wild rabbit.



“As much as you have a pretty face – and really nice hair – you’re not quite what I’m after.” Lucius said, pushing the waiter off his lap. “Does anyone care to tell me what’s going on today?”



“It is Thursday. Thurs-day.” The owner said, smiling encouragingly.



“Congratulations!” Lucius replied in sarcasm.



“It is October. Oc-to-ber. And it is just starting to rain outside.” The waiter said, seeing the former Lady Malfoy come through the door, shaking her head and trying not to laugh.



“Truly?” Lucius said, shuffling his chair away from the waiter and the owner, “And I thought it was a brilliantly sunny day!” he said with even more sarcasm.



“I am so sorry to interrupt you, Madam Black.” The waiter bowed low, “And we will have no trouble in catering for your nuptials, three weeks today, wasn’t it?”



“Three weeks doesn’t give you much time.” Lucius said. “Though, what are you doing here? Not that it isn’t nice to see you.” Lucius reached for Narcissa’s hand and kissed the back of it, he whispered into her ear (and was overheard by the waiter’s sharp ears) “These two are quite mad, I just sat here and kept still so not to scare them. I think there’s something in the water.”



“Come on Lucius, why don’t you come for lunch?” She said, offering her arm to him.



“What a wonderful idea! I might manage to snoop around your home and find you a present! Perhaps something for the bathroom – you haven’t finished decorating it yet… but you need to get your water checked, there’s something in it. Must be!” he said, bowing to the two gently smiling men as Narcissa led him out of the restaurant and apparated to the little castle.



“Poor man, Azkaban certainly was hard on the man’s mind – did you hear how many potions he takes each day! That’s why he visits Severus Snape so often…”



“Is there something in the water?” The waiter asked, not wanting to risk it.



“No. Pure as anything, we only use water bottled at Crystal Spring in the Highlands in our cooking and drinks… nothing in our water but water.” The owner said. “Poor man thought there was something in it too…”



“Poor man.”



*****



The day after that, Lucius couldn’t get into a meeting at Malfoy Incorporated, by vote of his directors.



“As the managing director, aren’t I in charge here?” he asked the PA.



“Of course you are, when you’re more yourself.” She said, not looking up from the typewriter.



“Not myself?” Lucius blinked, “Who else would I be? I don’t remember waking up as the Queen of Sheba this morning.” He said in sarcasm.



“No, that’s good then. Isn’t it.” The PA said, returning her attention back to the document she was typing.



“I should hope so.” Lucius said, wanting to get in the last word, “I get the impression everyone has gone mad, and that I’m the only sane one here!” he tipped his hat and chose to break the wards around the board room and enter. The wards were hastily thrown together and collapsed with a large bang.



“Oh! I wasn’t expecting that to happen!” Lucius said, walking calmly into the room, wheeling the head director’s executive chair out of his position at the head of the table, and taking another seat. “Right, shall we continue?”



“Whatever you like, Mr. Malfoy.” The wizard who’d been wheeled away said, scooting his chair back to the table. Lucius stood and did it for him, tucking him beneath the table.



“There, that’s better, isn’t it?” Lucius said, rolling his eyes.



“Whatever you say, Mr. Malfoy.” Said another director.



“Did you always kiss arse this much? Shall I test the theory?” Lucius’s sarcasm level was far too high in his confusion at his treatment recently. “Smythe – go and get me a cup of blue steam from the sky hooks, and I wanted it yesterday.”



“Erm… yes sir!” he scampered away.



“Good grief! Are the profits suddenly in the red and you’re trying to hide it? You don’t normally take silly commands.” Lucius backed away from the table, standing too quickly and getting dizzy “Ooh, my head.”



“How about a glass of water?” one executive said, handing Lucius a glass.



“No thank you, there’s something in it, makes people act strange.” Lucius said, taking control of the meeting… or trying to. Everyone around the table seemed to just be smiling at him.



“Gentlemen! Would someone care to explain why I’d get a better response from the wall than you lot today?” he shouted.



The wizards around the table just smiled back and nodded, “Whatever you wish, sir.”



“I think I’ll talk to the wall.” Lucius muttered, the men around him hissed.



“Have you all become cats? Shall I organise saucers of milk?” Lucius said.



“Whatever you like, sir.” Said another.



Lucius, having had enough of this – “Please excuse me, gents, I find I will get more work done talking to a wall in my own study.” Lucius’s sarcasm was at a previously uncharted level – simply to stop him yelling and hexing.



*****



“Draco, people think I’m quite mad.” He said to his son as he handed back the International parchments.



“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Draco lied smoothly, lies were something he’d grown up telling.



“I have; I have to keep looking over my shoulder to check nobody is spouting nonsense at me!” he looked perplexed, “I have corrected more people about my mental health in this past week than have pleasant conversation… and conversations are seemingly aimed at an invisible three-year-old behind me.”



Draco shrugged to hide the fact he was laughing, Granger had been brilliant.



*****



The day before the wedding, Narcissa had, quite frankly, had enough, the close family and friends at the rehearsal were treating Lucius like a family pet, rather than a powerful wizard.



“Right! This has gone on long enough!” Lucius yelled, beating Narcissa to her speech, she left him to it. “Why do you think me mad? I assure you I am perfectly sane!”



“How does one know one is mad?” Severus said from where he sat, his nimble fingers were tying the ribbons on the table decorations. He couldn’t be more fed up if he tried, but ‘Cissa was his friend, so he kept his mouth shut.



“You tell me, old friend – if I am mad, then so are you!” Lucius snapped back.



“Quite possibly, these pink ribbons are getting on my nerves.” Severus replied, curling the ribbon he had just tied with his wand.



Narcissa stood, “Miss Granger, the game is over.” Narcissa said, simply, letting the smug Hermione take the floor.



“You!” Lucius said, pointing at her.



“Me.” Hermione agreed, not expecting the next roll call of:



“Harry!”

“Remus!”

“Arthur!”

“Draco.” (a groan after being elbowed by Remus)

“Neville!”



“Will you lot take this seriously! Have you been at the wine already?” Molly shouted, standing, her hands on her hips.



“Mwooo!” Lysander said in the quiet, sat with the vampire in the corner of the room – mostly to keep him out of Severus’s (who was running out of patience) way.



“And you call me mad.” Lucius said, looking around the room. “Miss Granger, you know something about this?”



“Not really, all I did was say a few words to Madam Malkin a few weeks ago…” she shrugged.



“Oh? Do continue.” Lucius said.



“She asked me what I thought of you after the… event that occurred when you snatched me and my child from our beds.” She paused, “All I said was, ‘I wonder what was going through his mind when he did it.’ The rumour mill quite happily did the rest. It was too easy.”



“You made me out to be mad!” He yelled.



“No, I pondered aloud what you were thinking – the population who will believe so much rubbish just blew everything out of proportion… and your sarcastic answers confirmed what they thought.” she smiled at him.



“I can’t go out without someone trying to give me a blanket and escort me home! I can’t enter a shop or the bank! My own company won’t listen to me! ‘Poor Lucius this’; ‘poor Lucius, that’; ‘poor Lucius, isn’t it a shame’; ‘poor Lucius must be mad’ And if I hear the words ‘poor Lucius’ once more I shall hex the speaker!”



“Prr Luuuu. Mwooo!” Lysander copied the wizard and the toy in his hands, clapping.



Hermione turned a murderous glare (and her wand) on the blonde. “Don’t. You. Dare.”



“It was a figure of speech.” He muttered, “You made me out to be mad and took my world away from me? Why?”



“Doesn’t feel very nice, does it? Doesn’t feel nice to be the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening, does it? Now then, all you need do is add a sedative to the mix!” Hermione spoke with complete calm, her voice level.



“You turned me into someone to be pitied, to be coddled, weak.” He accused.



“Not nice, is it?” she replied.



“You turned me into a laughing stock!” he yelled.



“No – all I did was say a few words to the tailor.” Hermione pointed out; though, she’d known all along the woman in the shop was the queen of gossip.



“And those words ruined me.” Lucius yelled.



“No. My words merely started the chain. Others ruined you – I am quite innocent.” She said, smiling angelically.



“Innocent my eye!” He yelled back. Haldor and Harry had taken Lysander to look at the next room, out of the shouting.



“Oh? And you are so blameless? You kidnapped me, took me to a place where I was tortured, forced a sedative down me! If you had forced the same potion down my son he’d be dead! You are a man who is spoilt – you do not like not getting your own way. You are nothing more than a spoilt brat throwing a tantrum till he gets his own way! You are pathetic!”



“I would have apologised…”



“And yet, you did not!” She said, her voice still level, whereas Lucius was ranting.



“I would have, given time…”



“It was two weeks before I went to the tailors… fourteen days not enough time?” she said, pointing out the failing of an argument.



“Why were you in the Theatre? Do your little friends know that?” Lucius said, trying to get the upper hand back.



“Yes, actually, Haldor was the photographer for my application photos – and the photographs were taken at the Burrow, Molly did my hair and makeup… they didn’t like it, but couldn’t blame me trying to conquer my fears and then earn a living.” She said, shrugging. She noticed his face fall, “That pissed on your bonfire, didn’t it… or as Draco would say, popped on your bonfire.”



Lucius still had one barb up his sleeve. “Did you know the child’s…”



“Lysander’s sperm donor was Lestrange, yes, I know. It could have been worse, out of the thirty, he was one of the ‘reasonable ones’” She smiled, “You were in the wrong, and all I want you to do is admit it, and then apologise. It is not just me you need to say sorry to.”



“What do you want from me?” Lucius asked, crestfallen.



“Erm? Didn’t I just tell you? An admission of wrongdoing and an apology.”



Lucius knew when to give up, not a Slytherin trait, but she had him beaten, the magical population thought him mad! He bowed before dropping to his knees.



“What I did was wrong. I was obsessed, my time with Juliet was so… nice… I haven’t known nice in a long time. I slept easy after those nights, I found passion I didn’t know existed – I may have even learnt how to make love, rather than just…” the door opened, “… than just fuddle.”



“Not as good as my fudge.” Draco muttered.



“I wanted to know the real woman who could melt my icy façade and make me so happy; and I guess you are right when you said I was nothing more than a brat used to getting their own way… please, please forgive me my transgressions against you – I fear I can name more than you did, or, more accurately, Severus named them.”



“Leave me out of this you rogue!” came a yell from the corner followed by: “Get your little fingers off my ribbons! I have just tied that there! No! Stop it! I’ll tell your Mum!” Severus said, apparently talking to the floor by his chair.



“Erm, can the babysitters actually stop eating each other’s tonsils and babysit?” Hermione snapped at Harry and the vampire in the far corner.



“Whoops?” Harry offered, picking up Lysander and taking him away from Severus, handing him the cow back.



“Where were you?” Hermione said, looking down at Lucius.



“Blaming Severus.” Lucius smiled, “Miss Granger, I apologise for all my wrongs against you, past and present; and I apologise in advance for any future offence.”



“You can’t apologise before you do something! Or is it a Slytherin thing?” Hermione said, offering him her hand, Lucius shook it before standing.



“It is a Slytherin thing – it covers your ar… erm… art.” He said, almost saying arse.



“So the paintings are going to offend me now?” Hermione laughed.



“Covers your bottom.” Lucius clarified, smirking at the word bottom, an amusing word that hadn’t entered his vocabulary in decades. The last bottom in question had been a bare four-year-old Draco\'s as he avoided a bath and ran down the hall.



“And I’ll cover your mind and set things to right.” Hermione said, smiling gently “We can both get our lives on track then.”



“Indeed, Miss Granger, indeed.”



"Can we practice for the wedding tomorrow now? Please?" Molly said, putting Severus\'s completed table decorations into a basket.