The Pains of Becoming

Next one in line.

This one is beta’d by NutsaboutHarry!







Chapter 18

A face Up



When Kirsty was back in her common room later that day she went straight to bed and tried to understand what it meant that Snape knew now about her. He had probably seen everything she had done, he saw her in Dumbledore’s office with the book of forgotten curses, he had seen her being with Lucius and even at Malfoy Manor, he had probably seen her place the mysterious box under Harry Potter’s bed.



It seemed so obvious that now everything was over, she was found out! But somehow it did not seem so, Snape had been different somehow, it was like he had been someone else, like his mind had been manipulated or something. After all he had not commented on her memories, except that he knew now where to look for those supplies she hid in his office.



No, it really seemed that Dumbledore really was just an old man, who did not see that Snape was on the Dark Lord’s side still. Somehow, even though some students, especially the Gryffindors, suspected it she found it hard to believe. He had warned her so many times, had he already known what was going on? Had Lucius told him? Why had he made such a fuss then? Somehow nothing really made sense, but if he was not on the Dark Lords side, how come no one was coming for her?



In that moment she heard the common room door open and someone came down to the dormitories. The door opened and the voice of the Head Girl Penny Avery called out “Lumos!” A wand light appeared then Penny called again “Kirsty Flame?”



Kirsty opened her curtain. Now she knew there was more to it than Snape simply being on the other side.



She got up “Yes?”



“The Headmaster wants to see you. I’m supposed to bring you to him.”



“Is Professor Snape with him?” she asked.



“Yes, he is” Penny confirmed.



This was going to be interesting, Kirsty thought as she pulled her bathrobe on over her pyjamas and followed Penny out of the dormitory.



She did not want to admit it to herself but she was scared. What if it had been some kind of an act, And now Snape had given her away to Dumbledore and they were going to send her to Azkaban? She steeled herself; she did not want to appear as though she was weak. She was Lucius Malfoy’s pet and the Dark Lord saw potential in her. She was somebody; she was more than anyone at Hogwarts. She was powerful.



Penny took her up the staircase to Dumbledore’s office and knocked on the door. Kirsty stood next to her, and lifted her chin a little higher when she heard Dumbledore inviting them to enter.



Penny opened the door but stood aside so Kirsty could enter first. She hesitated but then stepped inside. Dumbledore stood next to his desk, leaning onto it with one arm as though he was too tired to support himself. His face appeared weary, his eyes full of sadness and disappointment as he looked at her. She looked away. There was the phoenix, and there in the back was Snape, but he had his back to her and ignored her completely.



“Miss Flame”, Dumbledore began gesturing to the chair in front of his desk, “please sit down.”



Kirsty fleetingly looked at the chair and back at Dumbledore.

“What is this about?” She asked



Kirsty looked over to Snape who still had his back turned, seemingly interested in a painting of an empty field.



Dumbledore followed her eyes quietly and then turned back to her.

“We know of your recent development. I am ashamed we did not notice it earlier.” He turned to Snape again, who appeared to be still ignoring them. “But it’s nobodies fault.”



Kirsty crossed her arms defensively in front of her.



“Please sit down Kirsty.”



It was not usual for the Headmaster or any member of staff to call a student by his or her first name. Kirsty felt as though he was trying to get to her. She sat down but made sure defiance increased in her face as she stared back at him.



“Did you know that Harry Potter is in the hospital wing?” Dumbledore asked her wearily.



Kirsty only stared. Something inside her wanted to convince her that somehow she had nothing to do with that, or that it didn’t matter. Dumbledore paused hoping to pique her interest but he seemed unsuccessful and continued.



“The box you placed under his bed, do you know what it did?”



Kirsty wanted to say no to help her case but forced herself to remain silent.



“It was draining him of his magical abilities and causing them to transfer to the Dark Lord. It made him quite ill in fact. It was lucky that we were able to remove it before it hurt him permanently.”



Kirsty blocked out the guilt that was creeping up on her. She did not care about famous Harry Potter who had everything. She looked past the Headmaster again to Snape who still had not moved.



“Professor Snape?” she started, but Snape did not respond.



Kirsty turned back to Dumbledore who said:

“Professor Snape is a spy for our side. I’m sorry if your encounter was… disturbing.”



She ignored Dumbledore and looked over to Snape again. Why was he ignoring her? And if he was so disgusted with her that he could not look at her why was he there to demonstrate it?



“Can you tell me”, Dumbledore started again very softly, “Why you did this?”



Kirsty only looked back at him coldly. She was not going to justify herself in front of him, why would she?



“Miss Flame, there is no point in being hostile. We know everything. Professor Snape saw in your mind that you took the book of forgotten curses from my office and he knows you stole from his storeroom. He also saw that you placed a box under Harry Potter’s bed. That is how we knew and could save the boy in time. Are you aware that you were harming an innocent boy?”



Kirsty maintained a stony silence.



“Did you do it because Lucius Malfoy asked you to?”



Silence.



“You can not make undone what is done. But you can tell us that he forced you to do it”, it seemed Dumbledore did not even care what the truth was, he looked at her as though he was concentrating hard on believing that there was no other option than her having been forced. But Kirsty continued to stare silently back at him.



Dumbledore turned to Snape once more and Kirsty saw her Potions master turn toward them slightly as though only to check that they were still there, but he did not turn enough for her to see his face.



The Headmaster continued.

“Professor Snape has seen what he did to you. I understand you have endured terrible things. I am sorry for you. And I am saddened that these things happened to you without anyone noticing and stopping it. For your sake. And I am even more sad that you obviously felt you deserved what he did to you because Kirsty, no one deserves this, and you surely don’t. Do you understand me?”



Hatred crept up inside Kristy as she saw Dumbledore’s pitying face. What the hell did he know? He was only trying to manipulate her. He did not know what he was talking about. He did not understand her special bond with Lucius Malfoy. He thought she had suffered, it had to be so easy in his mind, she could see it. There was no room in his mind to understand what Lucius had given her by treating her the way he did. How he had turned her into someone important. How she had become powerful through him.



Dumbledore stepped back from her a little, it seemed he was even more disappointed, she was not taking in what he was saying.



“We are now facing a rather complicated situation” he said finally a bit more factually and again Snape turned, but only slightly. Though it seemed he took note now of what was going on.



“Under normal circumstances we would have to get the Ministry involved and you would have to face trial” Dumbledore said trying to let his sentence sink in, hoping it would make Kirsty at least change her defensive expression but she did not, so he continued.



“But that would mean that Professor Snape would lose his cover. It would be clear that it was he, who gave you away after seeing you with the Deatheaters. We cannot allow that to happen, we need him to continue with his work. He has sacrificed more than I would have been able to ask of him for this mission. I am sorry to say that we can not lift his cover in order to save you.”



“Save me?!” she blurted out, how dare he say she needed saving when he wanted to put her into Azkaban, she thought.



“But you can save yourself. Lucius Malfoy cannot harm you here if you decide you don’t want to go back to him.”



Kirsty glared back at him.

“Not go back? You want me to betray him and go to Azkaban willingly?”



“No one is sending you to Azkaban, Kirsty.”



“The Ministry will!”



“I will prevent that, I give you my word. You have been manipulated; you have not acted out of free will.”



“So let me get this straight. You think you know what I have done, but you can’t act on it because, that would blow his cover” Kirsty said jerking her head in Snape’s direction, who was still ignoring her. If that was his attitude, she would talk about him as though he was not there. “So if I don’t turn myself in, you just have to pretend like you don’t know anything? And everything stays the way it is?”



Dumbledore looked as though he wanted to make that idea in her head go away.

“Think about this, Kristy. We are going to know, that is what counts. Every time we look at you, we will know. Moreover, at the first possibility we will stop you. You will not get far, and it will be worse for you then. You have the chance to make things better for yourself, if you turn yourself in now. We would simply make it look like you saw the errors of your ways and decided to come back.”



Kirsty looked up at him fiercely.

“But that would be a lie.”



She heard Snape sigh in his corner.



Kirsty spoke louder to make sure he heard her.

“I will not betray the one person that matters to me!” She paused and looked around “I would rather leave Hogwarts, this place has never been for me anyway.”



“I am sorry you feel that way.”



“Headmaster, this is not going to work, I told you”, Snape said suddenly putting his hand to his forehead as though suffering a headache.



Dumbledore held his hand up to silence Snape and his expression turned pained as he continued looking at Kirsty.



“Do you believe that he loves you? Do you believe that you are as special to him as he is to you? Because I am sorry to have tell you that he doesn’t care about you. He is only using you.”



“I know that”, she said her stare devilishly fixed on the old man, “I know he does not love me. I know he would kill me if I failed him. But then I would deserve to die, because I must never fail him. He’s all I’ve got and what he is giving me in return is something you can never understand.”



“Headmaster…”, Snape began from his corner fidgeting as he spoke.



“Severus, please”, Dumbledore cut him off with a raised hand without turning his eyes away from Kristy “Let me try to understand, Kirsty.”



Snape sighed again, fixing his eyes on the empty painting and squeezing his fingers behind his back.



She shook her head: “No.”



Dumbledore once more looked disappointed, then he tried again.

“So you are saying, you’ll happily endanger your future on top of the life of an innocent, young boy for a man who does not see any worth in you? Does that sound right to you?”



Kirsty dug her fingers into the arms of her chair and she leaned forward, in a sudden wish to leap at Dumbledore in fury and she hissed.



“I don’t give a damn about Harry Potter! And I don’t think it’s so tragic because everyone else does! And I will happily sacrifice him or anyone else to satisfy my master… including myself!”



Snape had turned around now at the sound of aggression in her voice and he rushed closer.



“Sit back right now, Miss Flame!” He demanded.



Dumbledore silenced him again.

“Leave her, Severus!”



Snape remained where he was, not blinking once.



Dumbledore seemed dumbstruck. He was gazing through Kristy now in defeat and said quietly:

“That would be such a shame. I want you to know that I … would never sacrifice you, Kirsty, for no one and nothing, never mind what you do.”



Kirsty forced a bitter smile and whispered in hatred:

“That’s good to know.”



“So you decide to continue…”, he said quietly.



“It was never a question.”



Snape slowly stepped in front of Kristy now, looking down on her coldly while Dumbledore turned away in surrender.



“Then I am looking forward to our next Occlumency lesson.”



Kirsty looked up at him, her hatred left her instantly, instead a shiver ran down her spine and her stomach cringed.