You Promised It Would Be Forever - Edit

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to JKR. All situations are mine. No $$$ is being made from this fanfic.
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Chapter 18 ~ Therapy for Two, Please

Severus had no problem at all placing the patch on Hermione. Whenever he would visit her, she would clasp his hand in welcome. He simply put the patch, sticky side up in his palm and when she greeted him, it adhered to her hand and disappeared.

When the Potions Master returned to his study, he turned on the speaker box and could hear the witch clearly arguing with Poppy about not wanting to eat the rather disgusting gruel the medi-witch was trying to force down her throat. Hermione eventually won, and was treated to dry toast with jam and a small glass of milk.

Hermione's therapist, healer Gwendolyn Pickleton did a basic evaluation. Severus recorded the conversation, with the healer asking Hermione what her most immediate worry was. Hermione was concerned about not having a job and told the healer how she didn't have any original spells on her work record because her department head had taken all credit for her work, so even if she could get past the blacklisting, she still was not employable. Almost all new Spells graduates started at the Ministry in some capacity, then moved into the commercial or private sector. Without a good spells history, finding other employment was next to impossible.

Hermione was not yet aware of Dumbledore's plans to hire her, or that her spells had been restored to her credit. That evening Severus and Albus came to visit her, and Dumbledore extended the job offer.

A teacher? Me?" Hermione asked.

Albus nodded at her, smiling.

"Yes, Hermione. As soon as your therapist says you are ready to work, you can begin teaching Spell Theory," the Headmaster said.

Hermione's face fell.

"But I don't have the spell work to qualify as a teacher, Headmaster. My work record is empty," she said brokenly.

"Albus has had your credits restored to you Hermione. You have twice the amount of credits to teach," Severus said. "And given your know-it-all nature, and the way you love to impart unwanted knowledge to those unwilling to absorb it, teaching will be perfect for you."

Hermione gave Severus a small smile.

"And you would have your own rooms, classroom and lab, in the dungeons," Albus added.

Hermione looked at Severus.

"In the dungeons?" she asked again, not taking her eyes off her ex-husband.

Severus swallowed reflexively against the intensity in his ex-wife's eyes.

"Yes, the dungeons," Albus repeated, grinning.

It seemed Albus' idea that Severus would be a draw for Hermione to take the job was correct. She agreed immediately, at which point Albus produced a contract for a year's term and Hermione signed it. Then she looked at the Potions Master, who had observed the proceedings in silence. She was going to be in the dungeons. Good gods.

"Could I perhaps have some quills and parchments, Severus?" she asked him.

"Why, Hermione?" the Potions Master asked her.

"I want to start on my lesson plan for the first twelve weeks," she replied.

Severus and Albus looked at each other, the Headmaster's eyes twinkling, and the Potions Master smirking. They both looked at Hermione.

"Certainly," Severus replied.

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When the therapist arrived the next day, she was surprised to see Hermione sitting up and writing.

"Well, Miss Granger. It is nice you decided to get out of bed," Gwendolyn said, smiling and pulling up a chair. "What are you working on?"

"Lesson plans. The Headmaster has offered me a job here at Hogwarts, teaching Spell Theory. He managed to get my spell credits applied to my work record," Hermione said, not looking up from her work. The therapist noticed how absorbed Hermione was.

"Well, that is good news, and takes care of your job issues," the healer said, taking out her pad. "But I'm afraid you're going to have to stop working on your lesson plan for now, Miss Granger. It is time for your therapy session. It will be a difficult one, I'm afraid."

Hermione looked at her, then began to gather her papers together. She opened the draw of the nightstand and put them and her quill inside. She lay back on the bed and got comfortable, then looked at the healer.

"What are we going to talk about today?" Hermione asked her.

"We are going to talk about your miscarriage and your reaction to it, and your husband's reaction as well," the healer said softly.

"I don't want to talk about that," Hermione said, her eyes glistening.

"But you need to. If you don't get it out, Miss Granger, you won't heal. You do want to get better, get back to yourself don't you?" Gwendolyn asked her.

"Yes," Hermione said in a small voice.

"Good," the medi-witch said. She reached in her bag and took out a small vial of clear liquid.

"What is that?" Hermione asked her.

"It is veritaserum, a special brew for therapy sessions. It is rather weak, but helps the patient be more honest about their feelings. It helps you say what you need to say, but unlike full strength veritaserum it does not compel you to speak the truth, just to be truthful about what you want to talk about. You aren't required to take it, but I find that it really helps, especially in the beginning."

Hermione studied the vial for a moment. Assisted honesty. Yes, she probably needed that or she would hold back some of the horrible things that went through her mind at the time. She needed to face them.

"I'll take it," Hermione said.

Gwendolyn nodded, uncapped the vial and watched carefully as Hermione drank the serum down. The healer noted the time of consumption. It worked for about an hour. She waited a minute or two.

"All right, Miss Granger. I want you to tell me what happened that night. About the miscarriage, and how you felt about your own and your husband's initial reactions to it. I may interrupt you with a question here or there to get you to clarify your feelings, but this is your story. I want you to tell it your way," Gwendolyn said, her quill posed over her pad.

So Hermione told her what she wanted to know. By the end of the session the witch was in tears.

"I didn't know I felt like that," she sobbed, "Oh my gods."

"Guilt and misplaced blame are normal in a situation like this, Miss Granger. What is important is that you realize those feelings were the result of grief and not your natural lucid responses. You will find in the next few weeks that almost all of your acts were grief-related. You did very well for your first session. Your continued honesty will be of great benefit to a full recovery," Gwendolyn said, patting Hermione's hand reassuringly.

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That evening Severus listened to Hermione's first session soberly. The witch had said that she initially believed if he had gotten to her sooner, Jacob would not have died. She also believed that he blamed her for the loss of the baby, because when Poppy announced she had miscarried, Severus had left her alone. What she didn't know was he was having his own reaction to the loss and didn't want to upset her. He stayed away for half and hour, then returned to her.

Hermione also said he showed no grief. That he went to Hogwarts the next day the same as always, while she was left alone to agonize. Yes, he had thrown himself into his work…it was his way of dealing with the pain. Then they buried Jacob, and the day after his burial he was summoned and spent five days with Voldemort before returning home to an angry, silent Hermione. Severus realized now the Dark Lord had purposely separated him from his wife at that terrible time to drive a wedge between them.

"Since he left me physically, I left him emotionally. Let him know what it was like to be without love or comfort," she had told the healer about her decision to move out of his bedroom when he kept going to the Dark Lord. "I felt he abandoned me when I needed him the most. I needed him with me."

The healer gently reminded Hermione her husband had been working for the good of the wizarding world, and had to fulfill his duties.

"Fuck the wizarding world. My baby was dead. Dead. I needed him more than they did!" Hermione sobbed.

Severus' eyes glistened as he listened to her rave, then the healer said, "So what you are saying Miss Granger is you wanted your husband to turn his back on the lives of thousands of people to sit with you and endlessly mourn a child that he could never bring back?"

Hermione broke down.

"No, I never wanted that…not really. I was just, just…"

"Just grieving Miss Granger," Gwendolyn said softly. "You know now he couldn't do it, even if he wanted to."

"Yes. I didn't know I felt like that. Oh gods. I blamed him for so much," she sobbed.

Severus cut off the machine.

His chest felt as if iron bands were tied around it, and it was difficult to breathe. Listening to the session had been very affecting. In her grief she had blamed him for losing the baby. Then later after finding out about the Mordres potion she must have received the epiphany the original therapist had spoken of, and realized Severus was never at fault. Gods, what a mess.

In the following weeks, Severus listened to all the painful reliving of the fights and attacks and how the therapist made his wife see how it all tied back to the Jacob's murder and her grief. He began to realize too that Hermione really hadn't been the witch he loved during those hard times, that the witch he loved was buried deep beneath her pain, but had never truly left. Now she was re-emerging and felt lost, confused and alone.

He had suffered because of her illness, went through public ridicule and loss of drive, but it wasn't malice or hatred that caused his ex-wife to do this. It was all grief, pent-up grief redirected so she didn't explode in upon herself…though eventually she did when the truth of her actions caught up with her.

There was a session that he found very hard to listen to. It was Hermione confessing she still loved him.

"When I see him, I want him to put his arms around me like he used to, to look at me like he used to. But he is so formal, so distant, and it hurts so much. I can't blame him. Look at all I've put him through. I promised him I would never hurt him if he took a chance on loving me. Then I betrayed him. Betrayed him and humiliated him publicly. I would do anything to have him love me again," she sobbed, "Anything he asked of me, I'd do it."

"If you told him this, Miss Granger, what do you think he'd say?" the healer asked Hermione.

"Get away from me," she responded shortly.

There was silence for a moment.

"Miss Granger, we've dealt with all your issues but one now. That of amends and closure with your ex-husband. From what you've told me of him, it seems unlikely that you two will ever mend your broken relationship. But he deserves to know why you did what you did, and that you never meant to hurt him. Our next therapy session will deal with just how you will tell him this. When we do the session however, it will be role-play. I will be you, and you will be your husband. You will respond the way you think he will respond when I attempt to apologize. That way we can deal with your fears about talking to him, maybe find ways to counter his responses and gain his forgiveness," the healer said gently.

"Of all the things we've talked about, I think this is going to be the hardest," Hermione said.

"Yes, it will be difficult but we will take our time. However I have some good news for you. I believe you are strong enough now to return to work. You can move into your rooms and start teaching," Gwendolyn said, smiling.

"I can? Oh gods, thank you. Thank you!"

Severus had cut off the speaker box. It was coming to a head now. He and Hermione were finally going to have the talk she spoke about while she was imprisoned in the Dark Lord's domain. The Potions Master had sat through all of her therapy sessions and knew her heart concerning everything that happened between them. She had brought up his saying that he wished he could walk away. By saying such a thing, Severus had triggered her to seek the divorce. He was partially to blame. Of course, he hadn't meant it…he had been angry and wanted to shock and hurt her. He didn't expect her to put his things out. He never expected Hermione to find a way to divorce him. In spite of all her abuse, in spite of the lack of intimacy, the witch had never once said anything about leaving him. He had brought that to the table, and she served it up accordingly.

Severus sighed. He would be sure to listen in on the role-play. This way he would have an exact idea of how she perceived him at this point in time.

It would help him make a decision concerning her. Whether or not to forgive her, and to what degree? Could they start over? Did he really want to start over and risk his heart again?

The main question was, did he still love Hermione after all he'd gone through?

He just didn't know.

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A/N: I am exhausted. I think writing angsty stories really puts an emotional drain on a writer. I doubt if I EVER get this deep again. Lol. I so want this situation resolved. It should be in the next two chapters or so. The 'talk' ought to be quite emotional as well. Hermione's got to give it her all. Anyway, please review