For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 18

All Severus wanted to do was stay right where he was.
Ignoring the past hours and what they represented.
Forgetting about what he had been told. About what he now
knew was expected of him, and what he would have to do.
Soon.

Only the pain didn\'t let him forget.

Each intake of air drove a double-edged dagger into
his lungs, drilling deeper into his body with violent
twists each time that he exhaled, until the invisible blades left
his body again through his back. Until his entire chest
seemed to be run through by an endless number of blazing,
throbbing bayonets, and he was sure that there was no way
possible to add to the agony burning inside his chest. But
each and every breath proved him wrong, was a merciless
reminder of what he desperately refused to think about.

Trying to move as little as possible and to inhale as
shallowly as he could, Severus concentrated on the
bright shimmering that came from beneath the door to the
small room where the Dark Lord left him only a few
minutes ago. It was the adjoining chamber to the one in
which Severus had been raped earlier in the morning, just
as cold and dusty as the rest of the house was. There
were no windows and no place to lie down other than on
the clammy carpet covering the floor, a damp weave full
of holes and rife with mildew and decay. A perfectly
appropriate resting place for his cramped form that still
reeked of the Dark Lord’s body fluids, a smell that sent waves
of nausea through the Slytherin’s mind filled with despair.
The soft , consoling gleam of light that sneaked in from
under the door was so completely unreachable right now,
that it might as well have been coming from Remus\'s fireplace
in the East Tower; still it was the only soothing element
around him, the only solid aspect in a musty cave of darkness,
and so the Slytherin clung to the thin golden line as if his life
depended on it. He *needed* something to hold on to,
something that would keep him from following that rotating
spiral of hopelessness down to its end from which he would
not be able to return in time. Oh, yes. Now that he was
finally alone with his memory of the horrors that had just
passed and those which he had seen and contributed to only
a few hours ago, alone with the pain with which each nerve of
his deteriorating body still screamed, now that nothing was
left for him to do but frantically attempt to get his wildly
swirling thoughts into order, Severus *did* need something
to hold on to.

The after-effects of the Cruciatus would begin to ease off
soon; the spy knew that from bitter experience. It had not
been the first time Voldemort had used that curse on him,
even though it *had* been different and more powerful this
time, even though for once the Dark Lord had not intended to
punish him at all. Had he not known that this would make his
chest explode with pain, Severus would have been unable
to fight the strong urge to laugh out loud at the irony of the
situation. Only an hour or so ago, he had wondered about the
reasons why Voldemort had tried to protect him through past
night’s events. Now that his former Master had submitted him
to severe suffering and agony--only a rape, a few explanations
aome ome orders later—he knew why. Now, it all made sense,
and what he had thought to be the result of one of Voldemort\'s
twisted whims had turned out to be another piece in the
perverted mosaic that the Dark Lord was arranging, which
would result in the destruction of the wizarding world as they
knew it .

And he, Severus Snape, was meant to become a most
important pawn in his former Master\'s plans. Though he
still had no idea exactly what Voldemort\'s plans in general
and for him in particular looked like.

[Red eyes glittering with barely concealed amusement.
A bony index finger tracing a fine line down the sweaty skin
atop his jugular.

\'I don\'t really see the problem, my dear Severus. You
will return to Hogwarts as you always do. Is there any
particular reason why that should be more difficult this
time than it usually is?\']

Slowly shaking his head at the memory of the loathed
voice, Severus tried to refocus on the bright line under the
door, by now his only connection to reality. Along with the
small shimmer of light, the muffled sounds of several
voices came through the wood of the door, voices dripping
with brusqueness and urgency, telling Severus that others
had entered the neighbouring room, preparing for their parts
in the upcoming strike, that time was passing by and
he was running out of it. He knew his orders. He was aware
that he was supposed to leave very soon now. Before noon,
the Dark Lord expected him to return to Hogwarts and to
carry out the orders that he had received, as cryptic as
Voldemort\'s instructions were to him. Part of him wondered
If the Order had received his admittedly terse and not very
explicit warning of the previous morning, but he didn\'t ponder
on that for long. There was nothing he could do about that
now. In fact, there wasn’t much that he could do about
anything. To tell the truth, there was nothing at all that he
could do.

Because he didn\'t know.

[\'You have all the information you need. Do as you are
told, my faithful Death Eater, and you will learn soon
enough that we all owe our victory mainly to you.\']

With a desperate groan, Severus slammed the back of his
head against the floor, and the bright pain exploding in his
skull numbed the bitter frustration that he was feeling
momentarily. What an extremely helpful spy he was! Aware of
the fact that he was about to be used as the Dark Lord\'s
instrument, but not able to tell when, how and where. Even if
he returned to Hogwarts now, which he had not expected to
do ever again, there would be nothing he could bring home
with him. No information, no warnings, nothing. Instead, he
would *somehow* contribute to the Dark Lord\'s deadly game,
and they would all find out too late how he had made each of
them walk straight into Voldemort\'s trap. With open eyes. He
was unable to do anything.

Except choose not to go back.

It was a thought that had taken root in the back of his mind
a few moments ago, and he was awthatthat carrying it out
would be an act of purest desperation. Refusing to obey the
Dark Lord\'s orders would reveal his working for Dumbledore
and at best buy the Order a little more time before Volde
c
could find another way to make a crucial strike, one that
didn\'t involve Severus\'s contribution - and the Dark Lord
would find one soon. No. Staying would not help much, not
at all, but it would at least allow Severus to avoid becoming
the reason for the downfall of the wizarding world.

It would also most certainly result in his death.

When he left Hogwarts the previous morning, he had
somehow known that he would not see the castle again. The
Dark Lord\'s call had been unmistakable in its triumphant
urgency. None of them had failed to grasp the message that
now, it would all begin. The war was about to reach its
pinnacle, there would be many battles coming up, and the spy
had known that he would have no choice other than to
actively take part in them. Nothing but another Death Eater
to Aurors, members of the Order and all the other witches
and wizards fighting for the continued existence of their world.
He would be nothing more than another target for their hatred
and curses, as he had been the night before, when his only
chance to survive had been to defend himself with the same
means that he had been attacked with. He knew how very
easily he could have died last night and probably still would
within what was yet to come, but that thought didn’t frighten
him too much. It had always been part of the life that he lead,
and he had accepted the risk long ago, never wavering in his
choice once it had been made. The possibility of being killed
was a constant companion, but despite his readiness to face
that possibility he had always hoped that Voldemort’s finding
out about his, Severus\'s, true loyalties would not be the
occasion of his death. He preferred to die fast in a fight, from
the hands of someone on the side of the light rather than from
the Dark Lord\'s skeletal talons who most assuredly would not
do him the favour of letting him off the hook with a simple
Avada Kedavra.

Still, it looked as if he would not be able to escape the manner
of death that he dreaded. Because Severus had already made
his decision. He would not do as he had been told. He would
do exactly what he felt like doing. He would stay right were he
was.

Suddenly the door opened.

The hot, burning pain that shot through his entire body when
he struggled to pull himself up made Severus fall back to the
floor immediately. Even though he tried, he couldn\'t keep his
eyes from closing spasmodically because of the agony
numbing his muscles, so all that the spy perceived was the
small, clicking sound of the door locking again - as well as the
presence of another person in the room.

The sudden flare-up of tension made the fingers of both of
Severus\'s hands claw into the remains of the carpet.

\'It’s just me, Severus.\'

With a sharp sound between a snort and a laugh, the spy
let himself sink down onto the floor again. Through the wild
wave of relief something in the back of his head told him that
he definitely should have known, but the greater part of his
mind was still silent with amazement, still refused to believe,
although the whispering voice had been unmistakable.

\'When did you develop this unerring timing to always show
up at the most inappropriate moment, Lucius? I really...\'

\'Severus.\'

The soberness, urgency and strain in the voice coming from
the door silenced the spy at once.

\'There\'s not much time and I shouldn\'t even have thought
about coming here, so listen: I know that you\'ve been told to
Apparate to St. Mungo\'s tonight after you\'re finished with your
business at Hogwarts, whatever it might be, to get further
orders.\'

Severus could sense that the other Slytherin hadn\'t come
any nearer than he had been before, still the growing
vividness in Malfoy\'s voice seemed to carry his words closer
to the spy, driving them into him, the verbal equivalent of
Lucius grabbing him by the shoulders and digging his fingers
into Severus\'s flesh in a desperate attempt to persuade him.

\'I can\'t tell you more right now, but if I was you, I would *not*
Apparate anywhere too near the hospital, Severus. Do you
hear me? Whatever you do, keep some distance between
yourself and the building!\'

Severus had lifted his aching body a bit during Malfoy\'s
speech. As he leaned on both of his elbows, the spy
frantically tried in vain to force his eyes to penetrate the
darkness that enveloped them in an attempt to read the
other\'s face. A tiny alarm began ringing in the back of Severus\'s
head with the first of Lucius\'s words, grew louder with each
sentence, and by now Severus understood that something of
crucial relevance was behind all this.

\'I have to go now. Remember what I told you!\'

The command to speak shot through the spy\'s furiously reeling
mind.

\'Why, Lucius?\'

He felt the other Slytherin’s glance darting in his direction.
Could sense how he stopped reaching for the door handle.

\'Because you don\'t want to get in our way tonight. Believe
me.\'

Malfoy had not even finished closing the door behind him
before Severus cancelled his earlier decision. Only a few
minutes later, he was ready to Disapparate.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It had been a hard night. It had been an even harder
morning. The news of several successful Death Eater
attacks on smaller, but still crucial centres of the network of
defence against the Dark Lord reached Hogwarts shortly
before sunrise and left them in shock, grief and helpless
rage. Even though everyone had expected this after
Severus\'s warning, nothing could have prepared them for
Voldemort\'s fierce onslaughts which cost the lives of 31
wizards and witches. Even though most of the castle was
empty now, with all the students and most of the staff in the
Great Hall for lunch, the unbelieving horror and dark cloud
of fear that had gripped the school this morning still lurked
in every corner, still hovered about corridors and rooms.
The werewolf felt it all the way up to the gargoyle, which he
had reached only a few moments earlier.

Stepping from the spiral staircase, Remus took a deep breath
before he went on towards the oak door in front of him. With
only the slightest hesitation in his movements, he took off the
Invisibility Cloak and raised his hand to the soothingly
gleaming brass knocker. It had taken him awhile to make up
his mind, almost a day, to be exact, but he made his choice
in the end, and although he was still struggling with a strong
sense of guilt regarding what he would reveal to Albus in a
few moments, he knew that remaining silent would have
made him feel even worse. This was a question of priorities,
and Remus was sure that Severus would approve of his
decision.

It had been some hours after the Order\'s last meeting
concerning how to interpret Severus\'s parting words when the
process that had led to his choice had begun, which had finally
brought him before the Headmaster\'s quarters. Remus
accepted being sent back to his rooms in the East Tower without
the slightest objection after Albus dismissed everyone. Very
aware that this meant he was unable to contribute to the
unobtrusive preparations that were beginning to take place all
over Hogwarts grounds, he also knew that leaving his quarters
during the day had now become more dangerous than ever;
they simply could not risk his being revealed by some
unfortunaccidccident now, of all times. Grateful to finally find a
degree of solitude, he retreated to his quarters with the task
of filing and coordinating incoming messages that were sent
by owl or the Order\'s own means of communication. Since
Severus\'s sudden departure and warning had at least resulted
in an all-embracing alert among those fighting Voldemort, the
werewolf had been rather busy. Still, his thoughts returned to
the friend he knew was with the Dark Lord at that very
moment. The anxiety, fear and hurt for the Slytherin that had
constantly grown with each minute of the Order\'s meeting had
torn Remus\'s heart apart by then. He cursed his pathetic brain,
which categorically refused to remember the last words they
had exchanged that morning, that last morning following the
first night they had spent together as two human beings in the
same rooms. He tried, did all he could, but he was unable to
drive grief and fear from his mind. The possibility that he had
lost the Slytherin without having had a chance to say good-bye
filled Remus with a degree of sadness that was new to him,
as did the awareness that there would probably never be
another chance to tell the spy even more important things.
Merely touching the thought that it might be too late to let
Severus know anything at all anymore drove the Gryffindor
mad.

During the whole time that he automatically and flawlessly
ordered, sorted and forwarded messages, Remus allowed
the Slytherin to take shape before his inner eye, becoming
ever clearer and more distinct until the werewolf had been
able to hear the spy\'s voice in his head, to see the urgency in
the dark eyes. To taste bitter uncertainty in his own mouth,
not knowing whether he would ever be back, whether his
warning would be received, let alone interpreted correctly.
Remus dived into the despair that the spy must have been
facing, into the impossibility of having to phrase a sentence
harmless enough to not raise suspicion among those of his
Slytherin studeconnconnected to Death Eaters. A sentence
that, at the same time, had to be clear enough to be
understood as the warning that it was. And even though
Severus had apparently managed, even though the Order
had realized the relevance behind his words, the werewolf
was suddenly seized by the gnawing fear that, despite
their long and extensive discussion during the meeting,
they might have overlooked something. But they had been
so very careful, hadn\'t they? Had tried so very hard to see
the situation with Severus\'s eyes, in their frantic search
for the key to his message, and they had ended up with the
unanimous assumption that Severus\'s words had been
addressed to Albus. It had seemed so very logical, such a
Severus-like perspective to start from. He was Albus\'s spy.
None of them was closer to the Slytherin than Albus. The
Headmaster was the only person Severus had complete
confidence in, and the only one who unconditionally
trusted the spy as well. It definitely made sense...

And this was the point at which a cold fist grabbing for his
insides stopped Remus in the midst of his musings. When
he suddenly realized that this was not true. They had been
so terribly, terribly wrong. Not that it had been their fault, not
at all.

It had been his.

How was any member of the Order supposed to know about
what had grown between spy and werewolf over the past
months? How could any of them have had the slightest
inkling of the profound mutual trust Severus and he had
come to share? Been aware of the unbelievable closeness
between them? And how, in the name the sirens\' sweet voices,
was it possible that he had not thought of this any earlier
himself?

That had been the first time that Remus consciously
considered the possibility that Severus\'s warning had been
addressed to him. When he consequently began to think
about all this might imply.

It took him almost a day to decide to let Albus in on the
conclusions he had come to. Doing so meant breaking a
promise, a silent but all the more important one, and in the
beginning he shrank back from that like a vampire would
have shrunk from the sun. It had been a vow he had mentally
taken very shortly after he had received the first owl bearing
the message of the Slytherin\'s departure to another Death
Eater meeting. He hadn\'t told anyone about Severus\'s
Apparating place after they had accidentally met there first
that one summer night, and he had sworn to himself that he
never would. It had been an unspoken agreement between
them, one aspect of the reciprocal trust that was the basis of
their relationship. Just as important and far-reaching as the
Gryffindor\'s second promise that had gone without saying: to
never reveal the truth about the ritual. To anyone.

He had not made this easy for himself. Deciding to betray the
Slytherin\'s trust in him took all of Remus\'s determination, and
the knowledge that the spy himself would have definitely
supported his choice, or he would not have voiced his warning
in the first place, helped him a great deal. If Severus\'s last
words actually referred to his, Remus\'s, frequently waiting for
the Slytherin\'s return to Hogwarts, then there had to be more
important things at stake now than sticking to an oath, no
matter how precious it might be. Of course, Severus\'s parting
words *could* have been simple advice for the werewolf not
to waste his time anymore sitting around and hoping for
someone to come back who didn\'t expect to do so. But if what
the spy said had indeed been intended as a warning, it
meant that Severus had attempted to prevent the Gryffindor
from something worse than spending hours and hours in vain
in the Shrieking Shack. It meant that being there would be
dangerous. That even as extremely skilled a Defender against
the Dark Arts as Remus Lupin could not be sure of getting
u
unharmed when the worst came.

The worst, which could only be Voldemort and his Death
Eaters knowing how and where to enter Hogwarts without
having to fear the Anti-Apparating barrier. And Remus knew,
as well as Severus must have, that the Dark Lord would not be
fussy about the methods he\'d choose to gain that precious
information.

With a determined gesture, Remus seized the knocker and let
it fall against the wood once. He hoped feverishly that it had
not taken him too long to reach the point at which he had
known he had to tell Albus about the Shrieking Shack being
the castle\'s weak spot. That there had not yet been any
damage done that was beyond repair. That his hesitation to
violate the promise he had once made would not turn out to be
grounds for even greater sorrow and pain...

The door to the Headmaster\'s office slid open soundlessly.

\'Remus, I can\'t tell you how glad I am that you\'re here just
now! I was about to send for you anyway. Come in, please.
Come in.\'

Last night\'s events had left their marks on the Headmaster\'s
voice which was grave with fatigue and tension. Still, Remus
was sure that he perceived a small trace of the joy that had
defiAlbuAlbus for as long as he had known him. Marvelling
at how the old wizard was still able to cast a light even into
the despair and pain that Remus felt right now with nothing
more but his cheerful tones, the werewolf stepped into the
shaded circular room, lit by nothing more than a few candles.

He only became aware of the dark figure leaning against one
of the more distant shelves in the back of the Headmaster’s
office visually after his keen perception had already more or
less told him about the third man\'s presence. As well as about
his identity.

For a few moments, terror, sorrow and fear ceased to exist.
Crystalline brightness banished all the gloom, all the shadows
from his being, and the light that the sheer joy that he felt cast
into the room momentarily lit the other\'s features. Although
last night had left its traces of blood and pain there as well,
had done so in a horribly obvious way, Remus knew that he
had never, neverhis his life, seen anything as beautiful before.

Hope and bliss. For a few moments.

But long enough to light up the Gryffindor\'s fac face with the
most genuine smile he had ever felt. And because he knew he
would not be able to dress the soul-shaking joy that he felt into
words suitable to express it, Remus gave in to the triumphant
urge inside, and his bright laugh of wild relief and purest
happiness rang out into the dim shadows around him.
Momentarily pushing anything else into the background.

But not keeping him from perceiving the small smile that had
begun to dawn on Severus’s face as well.




Author’s notes:
Thanx to all those who are still sending me reviews :o))). It’s so good
to know that the long break has not frightened you off!! Thank you! I
hope you’ll be able to enjoy chapter 18 as well!


@ ta: I’m real glad you’re liking Lucius! He definitely does care about
the well-being of his former housemate...I truly wonder about the
reasons...;o)