The Pains of Becoming

I am glad to finally upload this chapter, it is one of my absolute favourites and it was a bit of a battle to find a beta who’d check it for me.



Now please thank both Kyte Pheonix and also NutsaboutHarry! The chapter is up due to them!



Now this is where Snape gets more into the story, so if you are a Snape fan and you have been disappointed in this story so far, things are going to change now!

Hope you like and please review!

P.S.: good to have you back Mary Jane! Your reviews are always apprechiated!





Chapter 17

An Offering



No one had noticed that Kristy had disappeared from the common room. Again the fact that she was so easily ignored played to her advantage. Yet Snape gave her more than one suspicious look during potions on Monday.



“You look terrible Miss Flame, did something happen to you?” he mumbled only for her to hear when he stopped at her desk inspecting her potion.

“I tripped over something” she replied without taking her concentration off her work.

“What did you trip over? A dragon?”

“Exactly” Kristy replied sharply and continued working. Snape hesitated but though he knew this was hardly the truth he left it at that and continued down the rows. Kirsty raised her eyes carefully and watched him move away.



After potions she made her way up the tower in which she had divination next. The corridor was packed with students, so she did not see Harry Potter in the crowd, who bumped into her without warning. He stumbled sideways and caught his balance. Kirsty’s divination and potion books fell to the ground.



“Hey, watch out idiot!” she shouted.

“Sorry, didn’t see you” said the boy and she noticed that he stared right pass her with a rather dazed stare.



“What’s wrong with you anyway?” she asked as she picked up her books. Harry didn’t help her; he just kept staring ahead with a pale face.



“Nothing, sorry about that” he replied and walked on.



She looked after him and growled “Twat!”



That evening Kirsty sat in her common room, which was naturally packed, since still no Slytherin was allowed to leave it after dinner. It really started to get to her that she could never be alone and she hoped Snape would get over himself soon and let them out again. He could not have been serious about them being grounded until they all had revised so much that improvement was impossible. She looked over at Crabbe and Goyle, whom she had never seen revising anywhere, they stared dumbly and bored off into space while Draco and Pansy entertained each other by poking each other when the other one pretended not to expect it. Kirsty felt sick watching them and turned towards the fire again. This was so incredibly dull. If nothing happened soon she would just die of boredom.



In that moment she felt it starting – at first she did not dare to hope her mind was not tricking her - feeling a long missed heat radiating from her bracelet before it started to burn and there was no way she was imagining it anymore. Kirsty turned her back on the others and pulled away the bracelet to look at the inside.



“Get ready to portkey in fifteen minutes.”



She felt a tingle in her stomach, the events from her last meeting with Lucius were still so vivid in her mind and body every time she moved, but he summoned her! That was what counted; he had not abandoned her after all. He had thought about it and had decided she was worth keeping! Or not … Was he summoning her to finally get rid of her for good in a way that made sure she did not give anything away? She swallowed with a dry throat. But there was no point in getting worried; she had no other option but to obey him. She looked around and found that no one was paying any attention to her as usual. So she got up and went to get changed, as she was still wearing her school robes and she felt this was not the right occasion to wear them. But when she looked through her clothes she hesitated. Once more she was missing her green velvet dress. Nothing else compared. What ever she chose it seemed entirely wrong. But then she had an idea; she was going to prove to Lucius how much she respected him and how much she had learned from him.



She pulled off her school robes and underwear and grabbed the black velvet coat Lucius had given her together with the shoes and the dress. That was what he wanted her to wear, and since he had taken the dress from her again she was going to wear only what was left. She wrapped herself into the thick velvet. She felt vulnerable and for a moment she was about to change her mind and put something else on underneath. But she steeled herself, it wasn’t meant to be comfortable, it was meant to make a point. It was important to impress Lucius now.



She breathed deeply and hid in the bathroom to wait for the pull of the bracelet. Those short moments before the portkey activated she hated the most, it seemed to take ages and something in her mind somehow always wanted her to back out, as though she had a choice, as though she wanted to back out…



Then the bracelet pulled on her arm and things went dizzy before her eyes.



Shortly later she felt solid ground again under her feet and she held her head to still the spinning. When she finally opened her eyes she immediately recognised the place. It was the same cold hall she had port-keyed to the very first time and noticed quickly that she was not alone. The Death Eaters were there too; or at least some of them were. They stood around in the hall talking to each other. One came towards her. She took note that he did not have his wand in his hand so he was not going to harm her - she hoped - yet she quickly retreated into the corner. But the Death Eater only looked at her and said “someone tell Lucius his pet is here.” He stared at her strangely for a moment and Kirsty hoped her coat was properly closed and he was not seeing something he shouldn’t, but then a door opened and she saw Lucius coming out. Fear crept over her, but she forced herself to remember what she was and what he would want her to be. There was nothing she had to be worried about because she only mattered when she was useful to him. She didn’t care to be anything but his and what ever he wanted to do to her was worth it, it didn’t matter what it was. She wanted him to know what she had learned. She straightened up and stood still, facing him.



Lucius came a bit closer and the other Death Eater walked away.



“I am very sorry for what I did. I wanted to thank you for punishing me… Master.” She said facing him. He hesitated and looked at her, was that surprise in his eyes? He had never told her to call him Master, but she felt it was the right title for her to use now. She wanted to express how she felt about him.



He looked at her a little longer and then he said calmly “I have thought about our situation. You accomplished your mission and I hear that the box is working very well. Your work should be acknowledged and even though you keep failing and disappointing me on a personal level I feel we can still work on this. We will just play this game a bit differently from now on.”



It quickly crossed her mind that she didn’t have the slightest clue what the box was doing to Harry Potter, she had never asked - never cared - but she could not spend any time thinking on it now. Her attention belonged to her Master.



“May I ask what that means, Master?”



“You will see” he said in an odd quiet way, staring through her, before focusing again. “I am rather displeased though, having to say that your success made the Dark Lord interested in you. He is asking to meet you soon, which means we have a problem. I summoned you here because there is someone I want you to meet. Come with me.”



He held his hand out to her and led her back to the door he had come through earlier. He put her to one side, “wait here a moment.”



He went on through and closed the door behind him. She got a little nervous as she waited. It felt like an awfully long time. She looked around the hall and saw Goyle grinning at her in an ugly way, she looked away and faced the door again, just in time, because in that moment she heard Lucius call from inside “come in, pet!”



She breathed deeply, pressed down the door handle and entered … and froze. In her head something was fighting bitterly to make her believe what she saw was an illusion. The person she was staring at stared back at her as though the same was going on in his mind, though he seemed to get his surprise under control before she did and his eyes narrowed. Yet neither of them moved or spoke, there Lucius’ uplifting voice sounded from the armchair he was sitting in.



“Severus Snape meet Kirsty Flame … but oh, you two know each other of course.”



Kirsty looked at Lucius in disbelief.



“Don’t be scared pet, he’s on our side.” He waved her over to him and she followed his gesture, walking over to stand next to him. He pulled her on his lap with a smile, he was clearly enjoying the situation and he was going to have some fun with it.



“I asked Severus if he could teach you occlumency, so you are able to hide certain things from the Dark Lord, should you meet him.”



Snape only stood there near the window and looked darkly at them both. Kirsty still couldn’t believe it, so it was true! Snape was really a Death Eater! Or was he a spy for Dumbledore? She felt Lucius’ hand slipping between her legs and pushing them apart slightly. He had trained her well, even if she turned red in embarrassment, she had no control over her own body anymore; it belonged and responded to him. His hand moved up between her thighs and discovered that she was naked under her coat. He started stroking her pussy. She bit her lip and looked down to see his hand move back and fourth between her thighs. She tried to blank out the fact that her professor was watching.



“She’s a good little pet, Severus. Of course she had the occasional … flaw in character, but I think we got rid of those now, haven’t we, pet?”



Kirsty didn’t answer, she was to busy trying to deal with her embarrassment and her increasing arousal. She would have liked to curse her own body for responding to his touch so powerfully in this situation. She started feeling the release of fluids around his fingers that easily slipped in and out of her and she could not hold back a little moan that escaped her mouth. She muffled it into his shoulder. She would have been in heaven now if Snape wasn’t there. But as Lucius continued she started finding it almost possible to forget about Snape.



“I was wondering … have you ever had her, Severus?”



“No, I haven’t”, Snape answered rather dryly.



“Why not?” Lucius asked, continuing to stroke his pet where she liked it the most, “oh let me guess, Dumbledore would not approve, right?”



Snape remained quiet.



“It’s a real shame; she is a really good fuck.” Kirsty hid her face deeper in his shoulder in embarrassment. But then Lucius removed his hand from her and pushed her off his lap. She forced herself to stand. Her knees had gone shaky.



“Show him what you’ve got, pet.” Lucius said.



Kirsty panicked inside and her mind was bewildering her. She felt out of control, incredibly turned on, terribly ashamed and scared at the same time. This was hell; but sweet hell. She could not disobey Lucius so she fixed her eyes on her teacher and almost robotically dropped her coat. Snape’s black eyes did not as much a shift, he stared straight at her. He seemed a different man, a stranger. She stared back at him. It was bad enough; she did not want him to know just how embarrassed she was. She felt as though she had to convince him, that she had done the right thing by ignoring all his warnings, that this was what she really needed in life. But her stare was hollow.



“I would think she would have caught your eye some time in class. Did you never want to keep her after class and tear those school robes off her and fuck her on your desk? I really have to say you surprise me my friend, back in the old days you would not have hesitated to …”



“You are talking too much Lucius” he suddenly interrupted him but kept staring at his naked student. Lucius smiled wickedly.



“You would really enjoy her Severus, she’s your kind of girl you know, she’s the begging type. She makes a lot of noise but she doesn’t fight back. On top of that she has an incredibly tight pussy.”



Kirsty felt her face blushing even more, but she forced herself to keep her eyes fixed on Snape. She could see him grind his teeth a moment but she could not tell what that meant.



“And you know what?” Lucius continued, “our dirty little girl is dripping wet for you”, he held up his left hand and demonstratively rubbed his fingers together. Kirsty could not hold the stare anymore. She dropped her head and fixed her eyes on the ground beside her.



“Why don’t you have her Severus? … Dumbledore won’t know.”



“No thank you, maybe some other time” Snape said calmly. Kirsty could not look up.



“Don’t be cruel Severus. You know how painful rejection can be, don’t you?”



“You want to shut up right now, or, you can teach her occlumency yourself.”



Lucius sighed “you’re no fun these days. You know, one could get the impression that Dumbledore had a bit too much influence on you.”



Snape hesitated then he slowly stepped forward, closer to both of them. Kirsty wanted to back off, but she forced herself not to move and kept her eyes fixed on the floor. Snape ignored her and stared down at Lucius. “The Dark Lord entrusted me with this position and none of it is your business.”



Lucius looked calmly up at him. “I’m just saying that there is a delicious young girl standing in front of you with her clothes off, in desperate need of some cock and it leaves you entirely cold. What is wrong with you?”



“Like I said, maybe some other time. I’m here to teach her occlumency not to fuck her.”



Lucius shook his head and sighed. “You’re just no fun.” With that he got up. He walked passed Snape and over to Kirsty touching her arm. She looked up at him.



“I will leave you two alone. Be a good little school girl” he smiled and turned back to Snape one more time before he left the room. “You know Severus, I am a bit offended. Didn’t you know that it’s impolite to turn down gifts?” He did not wait for an answer simply leaving them alone.



It was quiet for a long time. Snape just kept facing the closed door Lucius had left through, while Kirsty still stood in the middle of the room staring at the floor beside her.



Finally Snape turned around to her and snapped in his usual annoyance “go put some clothes on for goodness sake!”



She shook at his command and hurried to grab her coat and wrapped herself up. Then she stood there again - frozen to the ground - hugging herself to keep the coat tightly around her, her eyes still fixed on the floor. This was just to embarrassing to deal with, no matter what side Snape was really on. But inside she did wonder who he really was, was he the man she used to know, her reserved and strict head of house or was he this other man, a ruthless cold blooded criminal who was loyal to you-know-who? He slowly came a bit closer, but still kept some distinct distance and looked at her. She did not move.



“So”, he simply said and paused, she waited for what he was going to say, but he only said: “occlumency.”



He paused again, probably waiting for some kind of response but she still didn’t move and didn’t look up. Was he really a Death Eater and would simply do what he was here for and then leave? If that was so why had he not taken Lucius offer and fucked her? Not that she wanted him to, hell no! But did he not think she was desirable? Was he disgusted by her?



“Are you alright?” He suddenly asked a bit more quietly.



She nodded faintly and forced herself to ask “do I disgust you?”



“What?”



She hesitated, trying to think of a different way to phrase it.



“Stop that nonsense” he said interrupting her thoughts in a strange whisper. She remained quiet and tried to swallow the knot in her throat that wanted to make her cry.



“Sit down” he said, annoyance back in his voice and he motioned her to sit in the chair Lucius had been sitting in. She did so and forced herself to slowly look up at him. But once she had caught his eye she looked down again. He came closer and stood in front of her. He was tall anyway - now he seemed huge to her - and his eyes were piecing as ever.



“As I said occlumency. Hopefully we will find you are talented at it. Now, let’s have a try. I will invade your mind; you will attempt to block me out.”



“I don’t think I can, Sir.”



“Try.”



“Why?” she asked and looked up at him now. He hesitated, staring down “because … if you can not shield your mind from the Dark Lord the Malfoys are in danger.”



“So … you’re not going to hand me over to the ministry or what ever it is Hogwarts would do with traitors like me? You are really one of them?” She looked down “that’s just as well I suppose …”



He hesitated again before saying “shut up already and prepare yourself.” He turned his back on her and unpacked a package with strange tools that was lying on a small table. She could not see what exactly it was but the sight of a number of metal and wooden tools made her stomach turn slightly. He selected a wand from it and came back to her. She looked at the wand and back at Snape and waited, her muscles tensing.



“Concentrate on building a mental shield. Focus on the sensation of invasion and try to take control of it to repel me.”



She only stared back at him trying to make sense of what he had just said.



He pointed his wand at her.



“Legilimens” she heard him say and she felt as though a needle, as thick as a wand was piercing right through her brain. She cringed and screamed. There was terrible noise in her ears of memories and thoughts; it was dizzying chaos. She tried to sort through it because it made her feel very sick. It seemed as through her mind was working five times too fast. She tried to slow it down and saw things brought to the front of her mind: Lucius stroking her and whispering into her ear, her polyjuice transformation, her hiding the stolen ingredients in Snape’s office, Dumbledore’s phoenix catching fire and giving her a terrible fright, her and Draco making out on the common room floor, Lucius beating her with his belt, Death Eaters standing around her, Goyle smiling creepy at her, her looking back at herself in the mirror wearing her precious green dress.



Suddenly it all stopped and her brain felt empty for a moment before she came back to reality. She felt like throwing up. Snape only looked at her. He had lowered his wand. She waited for him to say something. Obviously she had not blocked him from her mind at all; she did not even know how.



She finally looked up at him, catching her breath, for she had not heard him say anything. He only stood there before finally saying, in a sort of stunned way, “I guess I know now where to find my potion supplies that you took” he paused, “I’m just wondering, were you ever going to think of repelling me?”



“I can’t do this Professor” she breathed.



“You will have to” he only said and pointed his wand at her again. “Try again. Legilimens!”



It all happened again: Draco unskilfully forcing his fingers into her as she sat naked next to him on the sofa, Snape pulling back her sleeve asking her about the bracelet, her going through Harry Potter’s stuff, finding the invisibility cloak and the marauder’s map and placing the box under Potter’s bed, her sitting on the desk in the abandoned class room waiting for Lucius to come over, Lucius holding her in his grip and cutting into her thigh, Narcissa Malfoy looking at her with a frown, asking who she was, Dumbledore saying in the Great Hall that something had been taken from his office, Lucius using the cruciatus curse on her, Lucius talking about the Flame family and forcing her on his bed.



Then it stopped again. She heard herself screaming. “Stop it!!!” She was not even aware she had screamed. To her it sounded like it came from someone else.



Again as she looked up Snape seemed emotionless. She gasped for air, she could feel all her nerves in her body being irritated and complaining in a fuzzy way.



“Begging won’t help in this case Miss Flame. You will have to do better than that.”



She blushed at his remark and shouted exhaustedly “stop torturing me!”



He moved one step closer “I’m not torturing you. I’m teaching you.”



“Well, I can’t do it! Leave me alone!”



He suddenly leaned down to her, trapping her between his arms. “What did I tell you? If you don’t stop what you are doing I will not be able to help you when you need me to. Now face the consequences of your actions. If you don’t learn occlumency Lucius will not take you to the Dark Lord. He will have to kill you, or lock you in his dungeon forever.”



She looked back at him, suddenly she felt no fear of him, but she felt a tear running down her cheek and whispered “I don’t care.”



He hesitated before stating simply “you are a very stupid girl.” He stepped back again and pointed his wand at her for a third time.



“Legilimens!”



But this time was different. Memories passed her in a turmoil of emotions but they all rushed by her and suddenly there was no chaos in her mind. At first it felt just very peaceful and dark compared to the chaos. She was in her father’s house in York. She walked through the empty house, everything was very clean and tidy; the chairs stood in an exact angle to the dinner table, there was a bowl of fruit in the exact centre of the table. She looked out of the window outside it was pitch-black as though there was no world beyond the house. The door to the hallway and staircase stood open, but the light was dim. All she felt was terrible loneliness. She hardly noticed that Snape had broken the spell. She only stared, her eyes lowered to her knees, the lonely feeling were still there and it had gripped her heard like a nasty claw.



Snape was quiet again until he eventually said “now what was that?”



She hesitated and then whispered quietly more to herself than him “who cares?”



Now he was the one to hesitate before finally saying “this appears to be a challenge for the both of us I believe. But that is enough for today. We will continue this some other time.”



He hesitated once more before leaving her alone without another word.