For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 17


The sight of those shaking hands of his had become alarmingly
familiar. Even now that his brow was resting against both of his
palms he could feel them trembling, shivering. Not only a result
of feeling drained, of profound weariness, but also of the terror
of the past hours that he had witnessed - and had been an active
part of as well.

Slowly lifting his head, Severus surveyed his surroundings
without emotion, taking in the shapes of the others who had
Apparated to the same room afterwards as he had. They
were all there. All of them. Each Death Eater who had left from
here seven hours ago to carry out the Dark Lord\'s orders.
None of them seriously affected by the bold but absolutely futile
resistance that they had met, none of them left behind.
Enthusiastic voices exclaiming congratulations, extravagant
praise and self-laud filled the air, probably more an outlet for the
immense tension their mission had been under than anything
else. Repulsive triumph was shining in each pair of those now
unmasked eyes, even though the spy could read the same
exhaustion in those faces that was currently numbing him. Still,
the air was thick enough with satisfaction and complacency to
overcome the Slytherin with nausea.

Only when he was about to turn away from the disgusting scene
in front of him did he notice that another glance was searching
for his from across the room.

He met Lucius\'s grey eyes and held his calm gaze with no effort
at all.

\'Excellent work you delivered back there, Severus.\'

After he let a very deliberate snort escape his lips, Severus tried
to put as much hurt pride and sarcasm into his voice as possible,
immediately falling back into the hated performance of a Death
Eater - one who had just been humbled to the dust.

\'Leave it, Lucius! Mine was not exactly an arduous task.\'

Ignoring the effusive chattering around them and looking
deadly serious, Malfoy slowly shook his head.

\'Giving us your highly reliable backing is not what I would call
a minor or unworthy job. Quite the opposite. And even though I
know you would have preferred to fight where the real danger
seems to be, I for my part am tremendously grateful for his
decision to designate you the one to see to it that we would not
be stabbed in the back.\'

Overwhelmed with self-loathing, the spy let his head fall back
against the wall where he was sitting, desperately hoping that
Malfoy would not realize the true motivation for this gesture -
And that his fellow Death Eater would stop his paean to what he,
Severus, had done during the past hours. Being cast back into
those events was the last thing that the spy wanted to trouble his
mind with now; he knew that guilt and abhorrence would take hold
of him soon enough, so he definitely didn\'t need Lucius as a
reminder. He didn\'t need for Lucius to do anything, other than
finally shut up.

blonblond Death Eater didn\'t do him that favour, though.

\'I mean it, Severus. There\'s no one in whose hands I would have
felt safer. And you know that you\'ve proved your reliability to
us all, as well as the necessity and value of your presence! We\'d
not all be here had it not been for you.\'

An iron fist closed around Severus\'s heart at the other man\'s last
sentence. The constantly tightening muscles of his lower jaw
forced his teeth down onto his tongue until he felt and tasted his
own blood trickling into his mouth and down his throat; still it wasn\'t
the pain that aggravated the shivering of his hands, but recall. The
crystalline memory of the feeling of his wand between his fingers,
the taste of the curse\'s words in his mouth and the sound of bodies
hitting the ground...not being able to be blind to those harrowingly
distinct recollections, Severus continued staring at a point on the
low ceiling, until an unbearable stinging in his completely dry eyes
forced him to close them at last.

Which was exactly when he noticed the grave and profound silence
that had fallen.

When he felt how every single hair on the back of his neck rose to
the sound of the utterly hated voice grating upon his perception.

\'I must say I\'m delighted, my Death Eaters.\'

Severus\'s eyes flew open. Forgotten were exhaustion and self-
hatred as fear drove him back to his feet in a single second, ignoring
the swimming of his head that this provoked. Still not in control of his
shaking hands which were now clutching his mask and gloves, he
swiftly joined in the obedient bow with which the eight Death Eaters
were greeting their Master.

\'You have fulfilled your duties properly. I\'m more than satisfied
with your performance.\'

The red gleam that scrutinized each face from beneath the black
hood seemed to sparkle with malicious amusement.

\'I can see that faithfully doing your duty as you have been has
been demanding. Still, I need you all to be ready to achieve
even more impressive feats soon, and after you have given
me your reports concerning this most successful strike one by one,
I want you to rest.\'

The spy could feel Voldemort\'s eyes setting on the back of his
lowered head, was almost able to sense the Dark Lord\'s horrible
smile as he bowed again with the others to demonstrate his
submission. When he straightened again, though, he found his
former Master had turned his head slightly towards the door, and
when his skeleton-hand gestured, a well-known figure emerged
from the darkness outside the room.

\'Wormtail here will bring you to me one at a time, and I promise I
won\'t keep you from your -des-deserved rest too long.\'

And this time, Severus couldn\'t miss the ghastly grin the Dark
Lord sent his way before he turned in a swirl of black robes and
exited.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Severus was almost grateful when he finally heard Wormtail call
his name as the last of the Death Eaters waiting to report to their
Master. Each minute that the spy had been forced to spend in the
company of the maddening, tearing memories from the past night
had been purest torture. Visions and sounds had been attacking
him without mercy, and the constantly growing awareness of what
he had done was almost impossible to endure.

In the beginning, he tried to seek shelter from it in another
recollection, but all his desperate attempts to escape to what the
night that he had spent in Remus\'s quarters represented were in
vain. He was barely able to realize that it had been little more than
thirty hours ago that he was able to fall asleep, unaffected for once
by the consequences of leading the life that he did. The single
subsequent day had been enough to rip all the safety, confidence
and peace that he had felt that morning from him. It had all been
destroyed by the events of a single night.

And just as he had been forced to realize that he had destroyed
this refuge himself, had personally driven Remus\'s comforting
presence from his mind, had done so with his very own deeds, the
Gryffindor with the silver hand had called his name.

On their silent way through the uninhabited house which had
been assigned as the meeting point for this particular mission, the
cool air of the dark corridors woke the Slytherin a little from the
despair that he had fallen into. Gradually, his role as spy took over
once more, and suddenly very aware of the fact that he would have
to face the Dark Lord any minute, Severus willingly let himself get
carried away by the awakening sense of alarm and the gradual
steeling of his mind and will that would be necessary if he was to
get through another encounter with his former Master. To keep
himself from thinking of how this meeting was most likely to end,
he began to work out his report in his head, and only when he had
more or less finished doing so did Wormtail stop in front of a door,
where he let the silver knuckles of his hand fall against the wood
a single time.

Without the least sound, the door in front of them slid open,
revealing the warm, soft gleam of a fire. Not intending to wait
to be prompted by Wormtail to enter, Severus crossed the
threshold almost before he was aware of it. By no means would he
add to the humiliation awaiting him by taking orders from that
pathetic excuse for a Gryffindor...

The door at his back closed as soundlessly as it had opened.

\'Welcome, my dear Severus. It\'s a pleasure to see that you have
returned safe and sound.\'

Voldemort stood in the middle of the room, hood thrownback to
reveal his ghostly skull, white as bleached bones, tautly covered
with translucent skin. His robes seemed to attract the shadows
lurking where the light of the fire was too weak, and when the Dark
Lord approached the younger Slytherin with his gliding walk, it
appeared to Severus that the darkness was following him.

Partly because he knew it was expected of him, partly because he
was no longer able to endure the sight of Voldemort coming closer,
the spy lowered his head in another small bow before he murmured
his answer.

\'Thank you, my Lord\'

He saw the bony fingers nearing before they actually curled around
his chin. Still it took all of the spy\'s composure to not shrink back
from the dry touch that rustled over his skin. Knowing perfectly well
that resisting the slight pull that Voldemort\'s hand was exerting
would be futile, whereas pre-empting it would provoke the Dark
Lord\'s rage, Severus gave in to the gentle force with which his
former Master lifted his face until the red eyes were only inches
away from his own.

\'Always so self-deprecating. So beyond any kind of hauteur.
Despite all that bright pride of yours.\'

A languorous smile lifted the corners of Voldemort\'s mouth as he
slightly inclined his head, never releasing Severus from his red
stare.

\'This, my faithful Death Eater, is definitely a Slytherin quality that
I\'ve thus far been oblivious to. But as I\'ve told you before: You were
and still are a source of most pleasant surprises.\'

In a playful caress, a desiccated thumb whispered over Severus\'s
cheek to the sound of low laughter, coloured with amusement.
Penetrating the spy\'s eyes with one last, burning glance, the Dark
Lord spun on his heel and walked over to the fire where he let
himself sink into an armchair in one swift movement. Severus, who
did not intend to move without the explicit order to do so, focused
all the concentration that he could muster on observing the profile of
his former Master and thus on his only chance to catch an early
warning about the Dark Lord’s dreaded mood shifts.

\'The truth is, Severus, that you have not the slightest reason to be
so self-effacing. After what I\'ve heard so far concerning tonight\'s
events, you should be proud of yourself. At least as proud as some
of the others are grateful for your excellent performance.\'

Slowly, Voldemort turned his head until he was able to inspect the
spy once more, who, regarding the direction this one-sided
conversation had taken, was now struggling to conceal from the
Dark Lord that a powerful flare-up of guilt was going right through
him.

\'And rest assured that I am more than pleased myself with the
loyalty and reliability that you\'ve demonstrated.\'

Somewhere within the violent swirl of hot shame and acid revulsion
that he felt towards himself, Severus found the composure to
master his voice.

\'I\'m very fortunate to have been granted an opportunity that
suited my Lord\'s wishes.\'

The Dark Lord\'s low-pitched chuckle sent icy shudders over the
spy\'s form, which had begun to slightly tremble anyway. Even
though for completely different reasons.

\'And I hope you will continue doing so, my sweet Snow White.\'

The hated pet name drilled its way into Severus\'s perception, as did
the scarcely veiled implications behind his former Master\'s words,
frightening off self-contempt and hatred, replacing them with dread
and fear instead. The spy was yearning to at least close his eyes to
the sight of that lipless mouth forming the verbal forerunners of his
later humiliation, but that merciless red gaze which was still
directed at him completely ruled out any breaking of eye contact.

\'I will do my very best, my Lord.\'

\'I know, Severus. It has not escaped my attention that even my
attempts to keep you out of harms way could not prevent you from
hurling yourself right into it.\' The red slits were narrowing a bit. \'I do
hope that you nevertheless appreciated my efforts.\'

Confusion mingled with the chaotic remnants of the spy\motimotions.
His mind was aware of the Dark Lord\'s words, but still completely
refused to take them for the truth. It was extremely difficult to
believe that Voldemort would recoil from sacrificing anyone in order
to achievs tws twisted goals...

\'Tell my the reason for this...disarrangement that apparently has
seized you, my dear Severus.\'

A distant part of the spy\'s mind wondered what else the Dark Lord
was able to detect from him when he was reading at least his
emotions so very easily. But most of Severus\'s attention was
focused on the need to phrase an answer.

\'I hope my Lord will forgive my frankness...\'

\'I *expect* you to be frank, Severus.\'

Momentarily put off stride by Voldemort’s interruption, the spy
swallowed hard, desperately trying to find his train of thought again.
The patient, expectant smile on the Dark Lord\'s face didn\'t help at
all.

\'Thank you, my Lord. It is... As...as grateful as I am for my Lord\'s
generosity, I have to admit that I completely fail to see why I was
allowed to benefit from so great a largesse.\'

If anything, the smile on the Dark Lord\'s face deepened before he
spoke again softly.

\'And I really had thought that was obvious.\'

Even when he elegantly lifted his body out of the chair Voldemort
didn\'t relieve the younger Slytherin of that scrutinizing stare of his.
With very slow steps, the Dark Lord gradualovedoved around the
chair, a thoughtful expression upon his terrible face.

\'Come over here, Severus. Let me help you get clear
about certain things.\'

Blind obedience nourished by bright fear born of the awareness
of what dissent would bring made Severus cross the room, even
though every conscious part of him was screaming with the urge
to struggle away from the creature that was silently awaiting him.

The cruelty in the smile that was dawning on Voldemort\'s face as
soon as the spy had finally reached him outmatched anything that
Severus had been forced to witness and do during the events of
the past night. Like claws of a predator ready to strike, the Dark
Lord\'s hands slowly lifted to the fastenings of the younger
Slytherin\'s cloak, while the now casual sound of Voldemort\'s voice
filled the room again.

\'I already have more plans for you as far as our crushing strike
against those pathetic Muggle-lovers is concerned.\'

To another of the Dark Lord\'s rancorous smiles, the heavy
cloak fell to pool around Severus\'s feet, laying open his robes to
Voldemort\'s avid hands.

\'You will have the honour to decisively contribute to Hogwarts
falling into our lap very soon, Severus.\'

The spy\'s robes followed the way the cloak had already taken. Ten
fingertips were drawn down Severus\'s chest, sending their heat
almost unimpeded through the thin cloth of his jersey. He was sure
that the Dark Lord must be able to feel his heart jerking erratically
against his ribcage, must notice how desperately his lungs fought
for air...

\'So rest assured that you won\'t have to wait very much longer
before there will be sufficient room for you to show me more of last
night\'s unconditional devotion yet again.\'

With one quick movement, Voldemort slid his hands under the
black fabric which had been the only thing still keeping him from
Severus\'s naked flesh. The younger Slytherin felt those hands glide
up his torso, taking his jersey with them, until they reached his
shoulders where they slowly forced the spy\'s arms above his head.
With a contented hiss leaving his mouth, now almost touching
Severus\'s lips, the Dark Lord finally pulled the black jersey up the
spy’s outstretched arms, his unhurried movements showing clearly
how much he enjoyed this little interlude.

\'Before you undoubtedly become one of our victory\'s most
glorious heroes, however, let me show you how much I approve
of you as the ordinary Death Eater that you are now, my lovely
Snow White.\'

Severus’s muscles shivered against Voldemort\'s fingers as
they whispered back down his chest, as the Dark Lord\'s tongue,
hot and dry as his hands were, slowly slipped out of his mouth,
and languidly moved along the spy\'s upper lip.

No longer able to endure his former Master\'s burning red stare,
Severus closed his eyes. He tried to send his mind away as he
had done so many times before, to let it escape from what was
about to come, but after last night\'s event\'s all he found in his
desperate search for a place to retreat to was smoke, horror and
death. From each spot that he went to, disgust, disdain and terror
were flung back to him in the here and now, leaving him no choice
to bto be ever more aware of Voldemort\'s presence and touches,
of the fingers that had already opened his trousers and were now
wandering to his hips and beyond them towards the small of his
back, until they locked in place at the hem of his trousers and
pants. With the same tantalizing slowness as before, thumbnails
lightly scratched across Severus\'s buttocks. Both were gradually
pulled down, allowing hot claws to bury themselves in the soft
flesh where the spy’s bottom and thighs met.

\'Do you remember now, my lovely Snow White?\'

A small gasp escaped Severus’s lips between his accelerated
breaths as two fingers made their presence felt at his opening. He
didn\'t need for Voldemort to remind him, he never had since the
ritual had been completed. His body knew it was the Dark Lord\'s
possession. It was painfully aware of this every single second of
each day...The spy now realized what a fool he had been not to
see the reason for Voldemort\'s apparent concern about his,
Severus\'s, safety from the beginning. The Dark Lord would not
risk the intactness of his property unless it was absolutely
necessary. Losing Severus in one of the still relevant but
secondary fights of the war would mean losing a far too
entertaining toy, one that the Dark Lord would probably never
find a substitute for...Fighting hard to force himself to relax
around the three fingers that were now stretching and readying
him, a violent surge of shame and degradation rose inside the spy,
increasing the choking feeling in his throat. No, he really could not
think of anyone else naive and stupid enough to expose himself to
horror as he had.

Like those hands afflicting him from within and without, one of
them burrowing into his arse, the other having buried itself in his
hair which was damp with sweat, now pulling gently, forcing his
head back until teeth, too sharp and pointed to be entirely human,
loomed over the extended arc of his neck. A deep bite on his
shoulder made blood mingle with cold sweat, and the spy felt the
Dark Lord\'s hot breath blowing up the wet skin on the side of his
throat, leading the lip-less mouth directly to Severus\'s ear.

\'Do you remember....?\'

The letting go of his hair, the pulling out of hisemrse, the strong grip
on his shoulders that turned him around to face the back of the
armchair Voldemort had sn onn only a few minutes ago, all seemed
to happen in the blink of an eye. All Severus had time to do was
grip the backrest with both hands as he felt the Dark Lord\'s fingers
clawing into his hips. And even though he had already gone
through this so many times, he was not able to stifle the cry that
wrung itself from his mouth when one violent move of his former
Master\'s body pushed Voldemort\'s erection into him.

And through the bright haze of pain, the Dark Lord\'s voice rang
out once more.

\'Yes...you do...\'

And after that, the only sounds audible for a long time were
Severus\'s desperate gasps.



Heyho, my dear readers!
As you might have noticed, FaJwE’s about to enter its ‘decisive phase’ ;o)! I know it’s bad
timing indeed, but since holidays are over and work has started again, it’s quite possible
that I won’t have as much time to work on the story as I had the past two weeks.
Unfortunately you are rather used to these things already when it comes to this fic,
respectively its author *sigh*. Still, I will do my very best to keep FaJwE updated as
frequently as I can!!

@Ilmare: Thank you so much for another comment of yours!
I hope chapter 17 lived up to your expectations, as far as the Severus-Voldemort-interaction
is concerned... ;o)! You’re so very right, Voldemort’s *definitely* not what I would call
pleasant company, and he’s missing no opportunity to produce evidence to back up this
reputation over and over again...

@ta: To be honest, I had a feeling that chapter16 has turned out to be more kind of a
‘transition’ than anything else. As sad as I was about it, I had to get away from
Severus/Remus, back to Severus/Voldemort...well, to make a long story short, I was a
little afraid that my intention to mirror the abruptness which with Remus and Severus
have to return to reality in my writing-style as well had resulted in chapter16 to be too, um,
abrupt *sheepishgrin*? So I’m real glad that you liked it anyway – thanx!!