Fall into Madness

Ron stared at Dorian, not believing that depths to which he sank. He looked mad, as if the exterior now matched the interior. His beard had grown, and his hair wasn’t washed or combed. He was in clothes Ron recognized as his work attire. Jeans and a long sleeve t shirt he used when he did manual labor around the restaurant, loading boxes, painting or gardening. He only wore them when nobody would see him, and they too, looked unwashed.



His eyes focused on Ron and for a moment he looked to be seeing a different person. His look was distant but confused, as if he knew what he did was wrong but he felt justified, and at peace with it somehow. Ron could smell the whiskey and it was overpowering. He watched as Dorian pulled a sandwich from his rucksack and dived in. “Would you like some?” He asked.



Ron merely stared back, still trying to see the man he was once in love with. What had happened?



“I said would you like some?” He took a step closer. “I know it’s not what I used to make for you but considering that I have to remain unseen at the moment it’s the best I can do.”



Ron shook his head and tried to speak but the gag prevented it. Dorian put the sandwich down and walked over. “I’m going to take that of now, but before I do I should let you know that not only are we deep into woods too far from any town to hear a scream, we are also unplotable too. You may as well save your breathe. I don’t know if you have tried apparating but that would be pointless too because those binds are charmed.”



Ron didn’t make a move, he just sat there waiting as Dorian reached behind his head and took the gag away. He opened his mouth wide and swallowed several times, getting the cotton taste out of his mouth as best he could. “Now, would you like something to eat?” He offered the sandwich again but Ron merely shook his head. “I guess you wouldn’t be interested in a drink then?” He held out a bottle of Ogden’s.



“You don’t drink Dorian.” He had never taken so much as a sip of wine when they had gone out before.



“There are a lot of things I am reduced to now.” He finished his sandwich and gulped down nearly half the bottle.



“Untie me Dorian.” Ron watched as he gave him a small smile.



“You know I can’t do that.” He shrugged. “As much as I want to, I just can’t.”



He finished his meal, and then began pacing, mumbling to himself. Ron wondered how far he had gotten before this eventually took hold. His was metal, completely mental and now Ron was stuck the recipient of what ever madness he had planned.



“Why did you do this Dorian?” He didn’t know if speaking was a good idea, but he couldn’t stand it anymore.



“I had to do something.” He stopped pacing and faced Ron. “The man I love wouldn’t talk to me and tried to force me to stay away. What was I supposed to do?”



“Stay away.”



“NO!” He shouted. He started pacing again. “I had to do this. He was keeping you from me, he was telling you things to keep you talking to me, he was……”



“I take it you are referring to Severus.” Dorian stopped pacing and fixed him with a glare. “You have to let me go. I want him, not you.”



“No, you don’t.” Dorian took a chair and sat close to him. “You see I figured it out. He must have offered you something I didn’t think of and he knew that. If you tell me what it is then everything will be fine. It’s his fault, but it doesn’t have to be.”



Ron shook his head. Whoever this was, it wasn’t Dorian. “Dorian, I’m in love with him.”



“NO!!!!” Dorian’s fist shot out and Ron saw a flash of light before he fell backwards and hit the floor. He would have rubbed his face, but he couldn’t. He had to wait until Dorian pulled his chair upright again.



“You say you love me, and you do something like that?!” He raged, shouting, and not caring if it got him another punch. Dorian had grabbed him plenty of time trying to force his attention, but he had never been violent with Ron ever, and it stunned him.



“Ron….I’m……” He looked wounded by his own actions.



“You’re sorry?” Ron let his emotions out. “You say you love me and you do something like that to me?! You hurt me that way and in the same breathe say you love me?!”



“I know it wasn’t right……”



“You’re fucking right it wasn’t! How can you say you love me, when you don’t once take my feelings into consideration! You never asked what I wanted, and when you did you made me feel guilty! You kidnap me off the street and tie me down like an animal, then you hit me!” Ron had never let his temper loose like this but he had never been hit before, let alone by someone who claimed to love him.



“Listen, please Ron…” He had a pleading look in his eyes but it didn’t make a difference anymore.



“No, you listen Dorian, I am tired of this!” He was beyond all hope and caring. He didn’t think about sparing Dorian’s feelings anymore. “I don’t love you anymore.” He spoke his last sentence calmly, making his mind up that it would be the last thing he said to Dorian.



“You don’t mean that.” Ron found a spot on the wall and fixed his eyes on it. “I love you Ron, whatever I have to do to apologize I will do, just please look at me.” Dorian came into his field of vision, but he averted his eyes. “Ron please, don’t do this to me.” He took Ron’s face in his hands and tried to force eye contact but Ron merely shut his eyes. “You can’t do this Ron, you are everything to me. Ron please!!” He let his tears flow and for a single moment, Ron thought about opening his eyes but he didn’t.



Dorian left the room, heading outside. For the next hour Ron heard the other man crying and while he felt the hurt that must have been horrible, he could think of no other way to handle the situation.



The crying outside had quieted down and for another hour Ron wondered if he was still outside. His wrists were on fire and his legs were numb. He was sore and tense all over, and his eye had swollen up.



All of a sudden, blood flowed through his feet and he realized he was able to move his ankles. He pulled on his wrists and the binds fell away. He stood and nearly collapsed as pain shot through his feet and calves. His fingers were filled with pins and needles, and he was now only able to see out of one eye.



It took him some time but he eventually made it, stumbling and half blinded to the door. His eyes took in the darkness. The sun was beginning to set and Ron barely made out his surrounding. He was in a forest, but it was unfamiliar to him. He took a step outside and kept his steps small until he gained is footing.



An ugly eerie feeling came over him. Dorian wouldn’t have just left without the last word. It wasn’t like him. He must be around somewhere. Maybe the charms on his binds were timed. Maybe he forgot to strengthen them. Maybe he………



Ron fell to the ground and scrambled back as much as he could. Dorian was laying on the ground, both wrists oozing blood and a bloody knife rested beside him. Ron had never seen so much blood in his life. It was pooled on the ground where his hands had landed. Nowhere else. Dorian hadn’t changed his mind. He had set out to end it and he did.



The urge to vomit rose in his guy and he turned his eyes, fighting it down. He forced his mind to focus and set his mind on what he wanted. Keeping his eyes closed, he felt the apparition pull his body, then he heard feet rushing toward him. He lifted his head and heaved a sigh of relief as he found himself in St. Mungo’s.



He groaned as his body was pulled onto a stretcher. “Relax, you’re safe. You made it in one piece.” Ron looked into the face of a older healer.



“I need Auror Potter immediately.” He got out. A nurse was sent to get a message out and not more than 10 minutes later, Harry and Severus walked in, with Moody and his partner Gaspard with him.



Severus had him wrapped in a hug right away, then let him go when he heard a groan. “I should have gone with you.” He murmured, cradling him as the nurse went about her treatments.



“Ron, tell us what happened.” Harry asked.



Ron related what he remembered, everything down to finding Dorian. He mentioned that Dorian told him it was unplotable, but that would have dissolved when Dorian committed suicide. Nobody interrupted, waiting until he finished. Harry left with Moody and Gaspard.



Severus remained silent as the nurse finished with her work and left them alone. His ankles and wrists had been healed, and the welling to his eyes had gone down, but the bruising would take some time.



“I told him I didn’t love him anymore.” Ron whispered.



“It’s true, there nothing wrong with that.” Severus had held his hand firmly, not letting go for a moment.



“But to kill himself?” He met his lover’s eyes.



“He couldn’t live without you. But think of this Ron, there are those men who are so mad that they would have taken you with them. I’m glad at least that he cared enough not to go that far.” Severus spoke honestly. He never imagined Dorian would go so far as to kill himself, but meant everything. At least Dorian loved him enough to let him live. He could see that it wasn’t doing much to soothe Ron, but then again nothing would. He saw his former lover dead by his own hand, and he felt guilty over what happened. When he said he didn’t love him anymore and then broke off contact byt refusing to talk let alone look at him, it became a torture Dorian couldn’t handle. Ron would need time to get over this, and the only thing he could do was be there.



Two hour later, Harry returned. Ron was declared healed enough to release and would go back to Hogwarts with Severus as soon as the healer signed his parchments. Harry was there to let them know what happened.



“The cottage belongs to the family, but nobody has used it for years. Dorian kept it hidden and charmed. The parents had all but forgotten it until we asked them about a cottage.”



“Were his parents told?” Ron asked.



“Yes, they were told everything. They are preparing for his funeral and they send their wishes that you heal soundly.”



Ron looked up. “They said that? They aren’t angry?”



“No, they aren’t. They are sad that their son needed help, and that they didn’t see it until it was too late.” Harry reached out and gave his shoulder a squeeze before leaving the hospital.



Ron was relaxing and had put on a change of clothes that Severus left to fetch. He was waiting for his follow up appointment before leaving when Mrs. Di Vincenzo walked in. Ron sat upright unsure of what to expect but with tears in her eyes she walked forward and opened her arms.



“Mrs. Di Vincenzo I am so sorry.” Ron let the tears fall as he returned her hug.



“I know Ron. I am too. For so many things.” She settled beside him. “I know what you must feel, the several ‘what if’ scenarios that must be going through your head, but I have them too. What if I had stepped in and told him to listen, rather than to let him work it out for himself? What if I had taken your side vocally? What if I had seen how this was turning out? What if my eyes were open? I told myself, eventually he would figure it out. He’s an adult, he has to come to his senses sooner or later. I didn’t see it.” Her own eyes leaked just like his.



“Neither of us did. I thought he was just being stubborn.” Ron told her. He held her hand securely in his. Severus had slipped from the room, giving them a moment together.



“I know. I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped.” She had a faraway look in her eyes, but she shook it off after a moment, and rose, taking time compose herself. “My husband is making arrangements for the funeral. Will you and your partner be attending?”



He thought carefully for a moment. He wanted to say goodbye to Dorian, regardless of all that had happened, he had been a large part of his life. Severus may not want to attend but then again, it’s not something that needed to be decided right away. “I will come, and if Severus doesn’t feel it’s inappropriate, then I will bring him with me.”



“Alright then.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek, as she had countless times before and as she would if he saw her again.



When she left, Severus came back in. “Are you alright?” He asked handing him a handkerchief.



“I will be. I hate seeing her like that. She’s so kind, and always believed the best of everyone.” He wiped away his tears.



“That’s why she didn’t see her son slipping away.” Severus knew that she probably took his word for it, never doubting that things were ‘just fine’. She didn’t seem delusional, just optimistic.



“She shouldn’t have had to suffer like this.” Ron said. Severus gripped his shoulders and forced him to make eye contact.



“You are not responsible for this. You are not the one who caused this. Do you understand me?” He asked, clearly and calmly.



“Yes, Severus I do.” He answered, then let his head fall on his shoulders, sobbing out his grief. Anyone else may have been insecure about his lover crying this way, but Severus was different. He understood that Ron had been in love with Dorian, and once upon a time he was the man Ron treasured. He knew the tears he shed were for that man, and he cried because that man felt he had no other option.



Severus didn’t feel annoyance that Ron cried, he didn’t feel confusion. He felt hurt that Ron was hurting, and he merely held his lover, offering whatever comfort he could.









Ron dressed in complete black for the service. Shirt, trousers, jacket and shoes all in deep midnight. Severus matched in his black suit too, offering his arm for Ron. It seemed the only purpose he served was to give Ron something to lean against, but he was happy to do it. There were several people at the gravesite, but Ron only looked at the coffin. It was polished cherry wood, covered in white lilies.



He was silent, having cried out his sadness already. Severus was more than supportive and he made a mental note to tell him how much he appreciated it. He watched as Dorian’s father spoke about him, then his uncle, then a man who introduced himself as a former boyfriend. Ron never knew about his former men, and it was a little unusual hearing them speak about him. He understood everything they said though. It seemed customary when someone died to remember their best traits, and it was no different with Dorian. They talked about his dedication to his family business, his affectionate nature, his pride about who he was, his shamelessness and unwillingness to apologize for his homosexuality, his vivaciousness for life and laughter, and his loving manner. All of it was true. Ron remembered all of it when he was with Dorian. There were other traits but they didn’t matter anymore.



Ron said his goodbyes to the family, and after Dorian was laid to rest they returned to Spinner’s End. Ron didn’t want to be alone and when he left St. Mungo’s had come back with Severus. He wasn’t about to mention returning to his home yet. Ron would let him know when he was ready.



Several days had passed. Both Harry and Hermione knew Ron should talk about what happened to him, but they listened to Severus and decided to let him approach them if he needed to.



For Ron , he sank himself into work. He seemed to be fueled on emotions and painted like a man possessed. He made his deadlines and his publisher was impressed by the paintings. It would make a wonderful collection for the calendar, and she had great expectations for it. She had been told what had happened and knowing that with an artist, you didn’t press for a talk. She knew Ron would let him feelings out on canvas and she was right.



Ron tried not to think about Dorian of the night at the cottage too much. He knew eventually he would have to settle things for himself, but for the moment, he would focus on his art and his relationship with Severus.











a/n: to anyone who thinks the reaction from Dorian\'s mother is inaccurate, i want to say i am basing it on a real life reaction i experience in high school. a young man killed himself over a girl who had broken up with him. she didnt blame anyone, let alone the girl and understood why a split had occured. He reasons were very much what i put in this fic and i think very much realistic. She was right, and Dorian\'s mother was right too.