The Sins Of A Father

A/N: *wipes sweat of forehead* Phew! Well, I\'m glad that people still read this, and I was wondering...If its not too much too ask...Can people answer my question pwease?? *Puppy dog eyes* I really want to know how people start feeling towards this fic?? I mean, Severus/Harry\'s little plot so far?? That would be SO great...I mean, I would love it to see if people are really enjoying this story or is it another piece of fiction? Ah, I\'m sorry...I\'m off in my own little world again. But hey! You guys get TWO chapters today! Enjoy!! Oh and by the way, I would like to say Thank you to Extraho for the beta reading! You\'re a sweetie pie for putting up with me!! Cheers mate!













Chapter Fourteen: Just Forget







Nearly a month had been past since that fateful night that I have discovered that a boy I think of as my own son is in love with me.



A night which I saw a person that I love soul broken into two, then shattered.



During that month he had mostly been avoiding me. Moving around the house as a robot. He has not even said a word to me expect ‘Can you please past the salt?’ during dinner. There is no emotion in his eyes whatsoever when I look into them. Dead as a hallow tree.



But when he engages convocations with Lily and Jimmy, even Black, he’s suddenly full of spirit as a puppy. Laughing and joking.



Do you realise how much it hurt me? How much pain I felt. How much my chest tightened and my heart ached when he’s smiling at others and not me.



For fucks sake, he even leaves a room when we are both alone!



I knew I should have known that he will not be happy about me dismissing him, but I did try. They were harsh - the things I had said, but I did not want to give him hope. I needed him to forget the feelings he held for me. I never knew he would act like as if I did not exist! Yes he’s angered. Yes he’s disappointed. Yes he’s sad but…



He’s still my son.



I’m still his Father, and still the hurt is there in me.



It was very strange when all of the sudden the routine has changed during that month. When he visited Potter he comes back all smiley and happy. But I knew straight off it was all fake. I had known him too long when he is lying and when he is not. He no longer came to Lily and I during the night to sleep with us. But I still hear his scream when everyone is asleep from his room. It was brief, so no one was awoken by it except me, due to the fact I’m a very light sleepier. Near to even be insomniac. But still when I stand by his door at that night I still hear his muffled cries. Putting my hand against his door knowing very well I could not do anything. Trying to give him my silent support and comfort. Me cringing and gritting my teeth ever so slightly when I hear his faint whisper of ‘Papa…’



It was as if he didn’t need me anymore. It was clearly an act but it even left me in doubt at times if it was an act.



It was very laughable if some who knew me from outside my home life to act this way when I did then.



Me; a cold bitter bastard who could care less on what other people think of me. Or me caring about them.



But its more than that isn’t?



I actually genuinely care when it comes to my family. I actually let myself trust them when it comes to me showing them I’m human in anyway.



But what Harry had done broke my trust.



It was dinner time around eight o’clock:



Harry had come back from Potter’s place with Black. So you could guess that Black was also with us having supper around the dinning table. I was at the front with Lily to my left, by her side was Black to much of my disgust. Jimmy by my right with Harry by his side.



We were all talking, but mostly Jimmy, Lily and Black exchanging comments around the table back and forth.



I was much too occupied staring at my chicken. Giving in to the urge to glance at Harry from time to time. He was not too far from what I was doing also. But he beamed like a light bulb and involved himself in the convocation with Black when he had noticed my glance.



I was wondering what he had done at Potter’s at the weekend when I had finally realized they was talking about what Harry will be doing for Half Term.



“So little squirt? What ya gonna be doing for the half term?” Here he grinned and winked. “Gonna catch up with the ladies eh?”



Harry blushed. I laughed inwardly. Ladies indeed.



Lily nudged Black with her shoulder playfully. “Sirius! Behave!”



Black laughed. “C’mon Lil! Look at him! I won’t be surprised if he’s fighting them off with a stick!”



My eye twitched at that. Oh, he’ll be fighting the girls off of him, but certainly not the boys. I had a brief image of that boy in the café when we were going to Legoland. My anger boiled but I quickly dismissed it.



I was very confused at the fact for me to talk so easily of Harry being with someone, but when it comes to the fact of actually happening…I get angry. I could not understand why. It was very disturbing to me.



“I don’t know Uncle, might just catch up on bit of footie and hang out with some friends…” He grinned. “The girls can wait, I need some fun first”



Black gave an annoying laugh. “O’course Harry! So rude of me not to think that!”



Harry sighed dramatically. “I’ll forgive you only this time…”



I took a bite at my food with a frown. Hearing the laughs and jokes blurring into the backgrounds of my thoughts. My little Raven was still ignoring me. Even Lily had noticed the change between us. She placed a hand on my knee causing me to look at her. Worry and concern was etched into her eyes. I looked back down at my food. Trying my best to act as if it did not affect me in anyway.



But it did.



“So Harry, you finally decided what ya gonna do for your birthday?” Sirius had asked.



“Heh, why am I getting a sense of deja’vu here?” Harry grinned. He’s eyes had shifted towards my direction when I was pouring more wine into my glass. His eyes darkened. “Actually Siri…I was thinking maybe I could go to the football match with you…If the offer is still up that is?” He smiled.



That comment made my heart twinge slightly. He had changed his mind about spending that day with me. I showed that I had ignored his comment and took a sip at my glass.



Sirius looked positively delighted though. I sneered inwardly. I wonder why… “No problem Harry! O’course we’ll go to the match!” He looked at me and gave a triumphed smirk. Then went back at looking at my son. “But I thought you was gonna spend that day with Severus Harry…Not that I’m complaining of course!” He grinned. He wanted to rub it in my face. “But you looked like you was looking forward to it…What’s the sudden change Har?”



Harry took a bite out of his food and shrugged his shoulders. He gave another glance at my direction. Once he swallowed he smiled at Black. “Oh because your more important Uncle Siri than him…”



I raised my eyebrow when I heard Lily gasp at the answer. Jimmy looked a little confused. Even Black was surprised at that comment.



He was trying to upset me as I had upset him.



But he was taking it very far.



Black cleared his throat. “Err, Har-”



Harry ploughed along, grinning madly. “Don’t worry Siri! Its ok! I want to spend that day with you! Its not like he’s my real Dad or anything. Cause he’s never been my Dad. You’ve been there for me more than he has! Your more of a Dad to me than the bloke here who married my Mum-”



“Harry!-” Lily interrupted. But it was not enough to stop Harry talking.



“I mean seriously “ He snickered. “Him? My Dad? James my real Dad. Even I think of you as a Dad at times…But not him. Severus haven’t got time for me. I know he’s not going to be able to even come since he’s practically never here…Isn’t that right Severus?” He looked at me. His features now cold.



But his eyes was blazing with furry and hurt. Slightly glazed over with unshed tears.



He might as well run a dagger through my chest, since that will be far less pain on what I was feeling at that moment. I very well knew he was trying to hurt me with those fake words. But it still did not shield me from actually hearing them from his lips.



“Harry stop this instant!” Lily was furious. Her pale features brightening to ruby red. “How dare you-”



I put my hand up at her to silence from the onslaught that Harry was going to receive. I was still staring at Harry, I was making very well damn sure that I did no flinch or even showed that I had cared on what he had said.



Now I wanted to truly hurt him. I wanted him to get hurt by my words. I smirked at him. Showing how idiotic he was being. Even Black looked strangely out of placed. “Its alright Lily, the boy has the right to say on what he feels…” I gave him an amusing smile. Making sure he got my hidden meaning. “Its very stupid of you boy to actually think that you can hurt me. Like you said, I do not care on what you feel for me Harry. You’re being more of an idiot to assume that I even do. You’re a child, and always will be nothing more of a needy boy who hides in the shadows to me. Crying and snivelling on what he wants. Spoilt brat that you are…”



I grinned when he let a tear slip. “So by all means son, go back to your Dad. Please do make sure you take your needy tears with you since I have no time for that. Go and cry in daddy’s arms. Frankly, who cares even? I certainly don’t. But do make sure that any further comment that you have, don’t do it in front of your brother” He looked down at Jimmy who looked so withdrawn. I hold my temper when I saw my little son’s look. I stood up. I was turning around but not leaving until I gave a last look at Harry and a few words. “Oh yes, you’re absolutely right Harry!” I smiled and winked, making sure that I gave the impression even more that I did not care. “I will not be able to come to spend the day with you, I won’t be able to come to your birthday even…Though I don’t think I should even complain about it. Its not like I’m missing anything important”



And I left.



I was walking to my home office. Feeling the urge to drink something very bitter lower down my anger.



I knew I had gone a little to far, but he had truly hurt me about me not being there. Me not even his Father.



That’s the worst thing that a parent could hear from their child.



Once I had stepped into my office and shutting the door behind me, I briefly heard Lily’s angered words shouting at Harry.



But I closed it firmly, no longer wishing to hear the argument. Hearing the muffled sounds in the background I walked over to my drinks cabinet. Pulling out a glass and a full bottle of vodka.



I needed something terrible strong to wash away anything I was feeling at that moment. I walked over to a sofa to sit down. Poured a full glass of the poison and placed the bottle onto the coffee table.



I took a rather large gulp of the liquor. Forcing myself to not to choke on the drink. It was stupid and dangerous but I did not care.



I just simply wanted to forget.



Just forget the past month when my son ignored me. To forget the venom that was spat out of my little Raven’s lips towards me. To forget of me hurting him with my own choice of venom. To forget anything that I feel within me . To forget the numbness that was washing through my whole body with every gulp I took from my never empty glass, with my rapidly depleting bottle. To forget the tear stained cheeks that my son was showing. To forget his feelings towards me. To forget that my heart was existing. To forget the pain that I had inflicted and received. To forget anything beyond this room. To forget that my hearing was receiving the muffled shouts through the door. To forget…



Me…



…Just forget…