The Pains of Becoming

I have to confess that this chapter made me cry while I wrote it! –Doesn’t mean it is necessarily touching or anything. I just suddenly found myself in tears over what I was writing…. a little pathetic, isn’t it?



Well, also a little warning, this chapter is again of a more violent nature and it contains anal sex… there you go, I didn’t think I’d go there, but well… obviously I just did.



Please review and appreciate the beta-ing job done again by the moderators of theStorybook.telayouts.net -though this is only a temporary collaboration. Anyone interested in taking over the beta reading for this story, please let me know!



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Chapter 16

A Visit to the Country



The next morning Kirsty send an owl to Lucius with a note saying the mission was accomplished and then went to breakfast.

She finally felt good about herself again. This task had not been easy and it had taken its time but she had achieved it. She had proved herself.



But she avoided looking at Draco, who sat a bit further down the table. They both seemed to be most comfortable to ignore each other. Kirsty was glad he did not try to make fun of her or spread the word that he had laid her but then again he was probably worried that his father would find out.



Kirsty waited excitedly for Lucius’ answer. She found herself staring at her bracelet at night wondering if it was broken or if her arm had gone limp and wasn’t feeling the burn. But it was obvious: Lucius was not contacting her. She started feeling worried something might have happened but surely Draco would have said something. But maybe Lucius just had enough of her, or maybe he had only wanted her to do this last task for him and that was what his attention for her was all about, and now that she had accomplished it he didn’t need her anymore. But it all didn’t make sense… and maybe he was just busy… she kept waiting for his answer, which never came.



Days went by and she found herself at dinner again looking down the table to Draco, wondering if he knew something. But Draco only darkly looked down at his food. He was not going to talk to her and she didn’t dream of talking to him first. But she had to do something. And finally she made a plan.



Again it wasn’t easy since the entire Slytherin House was still under arrest after classes were over. But she was outside the law now, she told herself, getting grounded like a child could no longer be a problem for her, as she was supposed to become a death eater. Lucius had indicated that, should she do well with the mission, she might be able to step up. And now he was ignoring her. Something was wrong and she felt she was grown up enough to find a way to get an answer.



The following weekend she heard that Draco got permission to go home over the weekend. It would have been hard not to hear about it, since the rest of Slytherin House was outraged that Draco got the special treatment. Obviously Lucius had spoken to Professor Snape and Snape had backed down. Kirsty was the only one not loudly complaining about this, since she saw her chance. Draco usually travelled home by floo for short visits but she knew that the Malfoy’s were not connected to an open floo network. She could not floo to Malfoy Manor without their advanced permission. But she knew of a location spell she secretly put on Draco. When he had arrived home, she could apparate with an additional spell that would take her to the location of Malfoy Manor.



She waited until Saturday then she sneaked out of the common room and out of the castle. She walked for a long while until she was sure she was beyond the zone in which apparating was not possible. She looked around herself one last time, did the spell and apparated.



She came back to her feet on a wide, sunny path in front of a high gate. Behind it lay a park leading up to a generous sized manor. She looked ahead and did not move. What should she do now? How should she go about it? Should she simply knock on the door?



The decision was taken from her because suddenly she heard the rattling of a carriage coming near. She turned around and saw the small, elegant carriage coming closer and stopping next to her. A woman stepped out of it and walked towards the gate as the carriage passed and continued along the high wall that surrounded the manor.



Kirsty recognised the women, and though she did not have the slightest wish to talk to her she saw her best chance in her. She stepped forward as the lady opened the gate to walk in.



“Mrs. Malfoy?” the woman turned around in surprise and looked Kirsty up and down. Kirsty was wearing the outfit that Lucius had given her and only hoped it wasn’t giving anything away. Slight irritation came across Mrs Malfoy’s milky white porcelain face.



“Yes?”



“Excuse me; I wondered if your husband is home.”



Mrs Malfoy looked her up and down again as though she was doing it for the first time and frowned: “And who are you?”



“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Kirsty Flame. I go to school with Draco.”



“Oh”, Mrs Malfoy said and her frown seemed to lighten up.



“I think Draco is home. Do you want to see him”, she continued as though she had forgotten Kirsty had asked for her husband.



“Well”, Kirsty hesitated, she would have liked to say yes only to get into the house with her, but she thought of Draco and rather did not want to pull him into this, “No, I am really hear to see Mr Malfoy.”



The frown came right back into the beautiful lady’s light brows and she hesitated.



“What business do you have with my husband”, she asked. Kirsty looked to the dusty ground to hide how hard she was thinking then she looked up again and said quietly:



“It is about the Dark Lord. …I can’t talk about it here.”



Mrs Malfoy’s eyes widened in worried irritation. It seemed as though she was going to say something else at first but she remained quiet and finally only said:



“Alright, follow me….”



Kirsty followed the lady into the park. Mrs Malfoy turned around to her as they walked towards the house with the old frown: “I can’t promise he’s home though.”



Kirsty remained quiet and followed her to the door. A miserable looking house elf opened it from the inside before the lady had made herself known. Kirsty noted that it was the same elf she had met before when she was with Lucius. She only hoped that the elf remained quiet.



The elf disappeared quickly and Mrs Malfoy closed the door behind Kirsty. Kirsty looked around and knew right away that the other locations she had met Lucius in did not belong to this house. It was light and a lot more elegant than the places she had visited. It did not have raw stone walls. The wall in this entrance hall was white and she could see wall papers here and there, no heavy wall fabrics.

It looked modern in a traditional way; cool but light and inviting as much as sophisticated.



Mrs Malfoy led Kirsty through the entrance hall down a short corridor which smelled of jasmine and into a spacious reception room with a big fireplace, a few sofas and a bowl of fruit on a small table.



“Wait here, please”, she said and left again.



Kirsty stayed behind and looked around the room. She was nervous; surely Lucius would not be happy about her showing up at his home. But what did he expect? She had finished the difficult task and he ignored her for so long now. She had to do something.



She heard someone coming back and turned to the door again. It was Mrs Malfoy. The frown had disappeared from her face and she seemed a lot surer of herself now and somewhat colder. Yet her voice sounded very polite as she spoke.



“I’m sorry; my husband is not available for you right now.” Kirsty hesitated, what kind of an answer was that? So he was clearly here, and he simply did not want to see her? Was he not worried she might tell his wife all about their relationship? Or did she know what he was up to? Kirsty could not know who would know what was going on in a family like the Malfoy family. Kirsty stepped forward:



“But it’s important. Did you tell him that? …Will he have time for me later?”



Mrs Malfoy blinked and reset her cold expression: “I’m very sorry. But I’m afraid he is busy. And he does not have time to see you.”



“Can I come back?”, Kirsty asked. Mrs Malfoy seemed to struggle with her politeness.



”As I said…”



“Mum.”



Both of them turned to the door. Draco was standing there with his lately common, dark expression.



“It’s fine. I take care of it”, he said.



Mrs Malfoy hesitated and looked back at Kirsty slightly worried. Then she said to Kirsty: “My husband is an important man. He does not have time for you now. I’m sorry.” She gave Draco another worried look and finally left the room.



Draco made no attempt to enter the room. He remained in the doorway and looked darkly at her.



“So”, he said expressionlessly, “what brings you here?”



“What do you think?”, she asked.



“It was a bad idea of you to come here. Father won’t like it.”



“Maybe he should let me know what is going on then. He’s not responding to anything.”



“You shouldn’t have come here”, he repeated.



“What’s going on, Draco?”, She asked, “Do you know?”



Draco hesitated, then he said: “I only know that he is ignoring you for a reason and he won’t want you to come here and invade our privacy. Who do you think you are to do this and to ask my mother about him?”



Kirsty was short for words. Draco had spoken in a very calm and serious voice, but what he had said sounded crazy out of his mouth. Who did he think he was?



“Draco, you are not your father. What kind of relationship I have with him is none of your business. I am here because he did not leave me another choice.”



Draco only looked at her.



“I can talk to him and I might be able to get him to see you. But I am not sure that you would want that.”



Kirsty thought a moment. Worry came back to her. She knew Lucius was ignoring her for a reason and she was confronting him. But what else was she supposed to do? She had waited for so long.



“Please, Draco”, she finally said. Draco hesitated a moment and then looked around to the open corridor.



“You should not stay here. You should not come across my mother again. Come, I take you somewhere else.”



She followed Draco out of the reception room back into the entrance hall. He took her up the wide staircase to the second level and down the hallway into another, smaller reception room. The interior was a bit warmer and more personal looking than the one downstairs but it was still clearly a room with no other purpose than to receive guests. Draco left her there and disappeared again. Kirsty felt her heart starting to beat harder in her chest and she tried to control her breathing. It took some time until she heard someone coming again. The door opened and Lucius entered. He stopped and threw the door shut behind him. His eyes pieced into hers.



“You shifty, little half blood whore. I can not believe you have the nerve…”



Kirsty stepped backwards. She had never seen him this angry.



“Come here”, he said threateningly. She hesitated. He did not give her another chance as he made two steps forward and grabbed her by the hair. He painfully pulled her towards him.



“Come here, you little slut. How dare you come to my home and bother my wife! Wanting to cause a little scene, are you?”



“No! I’m sorry! You did not answer my letters. I did not hear from you for so long.”

His look of disdain forced her to rush on, “I accomplished the mission. …I didn’t know what was going on… I didn’t know what else to do!”, she cried out. The pull on her hair increased, “Please, you are hurting me!”



“You didn’t know what was going on? Was that what you were thinking when you let someone else fuck you?”



He pushed her on the floor. She fell hard and hurt her wrist and shoulder. But he came after her.



“Get up!” he pulled her back up, “What did I tell you?”



He squeezed the bracelet around her arm tightly until she thought her arm was surely going to bruise: “If you betray me I will know.” He scared and hurt her so much she started to cry.



“Please let go of me. I didn’t want that to happen, I swear.”



He loosened his grip on her: “Does that mean you were forced?”



“Not exactly, but I was out of my mind, we had a lot to drink.” He slapped her with the back of his hand.



“I sacrifice my time and give you a chance to join the Dark Lord’s legion and this is how you repay me. You just don’t learn, do you? I am tired and bored of teaching you!” He hit her again and she slumped backwards between two sofas, trying to find cover between them and shielding her face. She could not see what he was doing but she heard him opening his belt.



“I won’t let you dishonour me like this. I will teach you once and for all.”



The heavy, broad leather belt hit her painfully across her neck and shoulder. She shrieked and curled up more tightly. But she felt his hand grabbing her again by the collar of her dress and he pulled her out of her protective corner.



“If this is how you want to play, have it that way.” He pulled harshly at her collar and the small, pretty buttons sprang away. He pulled harder and tore the dress of her body. Kirsty felt like it was her heart tearing when she heard the rich velvet ripping into irreparable pieces. She slumped back on the floor and sobbed, gathering the torn pieces of her dress as though it was a dying being. Then the belt punished her naked back again with a loud crack. She sobbed loudly in response but the pain was nothing compared to the sight of the torn velvet pieces. He pulled her back off the floor by her arm and threw her over the back of one of the sofas. The belt landed next to her on the back of the sofa and he tore off her underwear.



He spit in his hand and she felt his lubricated thumb slipping between her bottom cheeks and pressing where she did not think it was meant to go. She tensed and tried to push herself up but he pushed her back down.



“Don’t you dare object to me now. After all now I have to find an alternative way to fuck you.” He bent over her and hissed into her ear, “You don’t believe I want to put my cock into your whore pussy any time soon after what you did, do you?”



“I’m sorry… I’m sorry”, she sobbed quietly. She felt the belt being picked up again from beside her and only an instant later she felt it crack over her bottom. She shrieked and a new flow of tears quelled out of her eyes.



“Be sorry later, now shut up and feel”, he hissed and forced his thumb into her tight entrance. She cried out in pain and humiliation but suddenly held her breath as she felt the tip of his cock, moist with pre cum pressing against her hole, replacing his thump. It felt like it was impossible to fit. She started panting in fear and squirming and whimpering, as he pressed harder.



“No please…” she breathed, “it’s too big… you’re going to break me, please.”



“Do you think I care?” he hissed, “What are you worth to me? I can fuck another girl, one that isn’t such a slut and one that doesn’t cause me so much trouble, one that obeys me without me having to beat her all the time. What are you good for, you dirty blooded whore? You are nothing but trouble, screwing around and then showing up here like this, making demands…I don’t need to take that from you.“ He pushed in harder. She tired to suffocate her scream by forcing herself to keep her lips tightly closed. What he said caused a sudden rage in her, one that she had not believed to be there now, as she was full of fear and pain.



She was not worthless! She was his, and she would prove to him that no other girl was as committed to him as she was. She would take anything from him, anything that would make any other girl cringe. She dug her fingers deep into the sofa as the pain increased.



“I know I’m bad”, she forced out.



He smacked her bottom with his hand: “Shut up.”



“But I am better than any other girl!”



He grabbed her hair and pulled back her head to whisper into her ear as he once more pushed in harder and forced his cock deeper into her dry opening: “I don’t fucking care what you think. Now shut that mouth or I hex it shut!”



“After you fuck me and beat me and curse me, I am still yours! And that makes me different! Because I do know my place! I make mistakes but I know that I am nothing without you and I welcome your punishing me because I need it!”

The pressing into her ceased a little bit. Was he turned off now? Or had she impressed him? From her point of view she had only blurted out what she felt because she could not hold on to it. Was he going to hex her mouth shut now? She caught her breath and waited, he did not reply anything but eventually tightened his grip on the back of her neck and pushed in again now starting to fuck her. She shuddered of the pain it caused her. She tried to suppress her sobbing and screaming but it made her feel sick and she cried in defeat and waited for him to finish. Eventually she felt him spill into her and he removed himself from her. She did not move. She was still in so much pain she was sure he had wounded her inside. She heard him gathering himself behind her and then he said: “I will get the elf to escort you out. I have to think about this. …and don’t ever show up here again. Stay away from my family.”



He simply left and Kirsty still didn’t dare to move. She was scared of more pain if she did.



But eventually she carefully scraped herself of the sofas back and dropped onto the floor as her legs refused to support her. Another wave of tears came over her when she saw the pieces of her torn dress around her. She gathered them up in her lab and gave into her sobbing again. By looking at it she just became so aware that she had broken something between them. She was not even sure what it was. He had never tried to make her believe that she was anymore to him than his half blood whore, but somehow this dress had meant more than that. And now he had torn it away from her and it was destroyed.



She heard someone step into the doorway, and from the sound of the footsteps she could tell it was neither Lucius, nor the elf. She pulled the pieces of velvet towards her body to cover herself as much as possible.



She looked up and through her water blurred vision she saw Draco standing there, looking at her with that passive, dark expression he always seemed to carry lately. He quietly looked down at her. She was not aware what a pitiful sight she was. She could only feel the bruises that were about to form and the swollen red welts the belt had left on her.



She broke the eye contact to focus back on her torn dress and decided to ignore him. She did not register that he eventually stepped into the room and moved over to one of the sofas. It was only when she felt him wrap a blanket around her naked shoulders that she realised what he was doing and she let him help her up and lead her out of the room.

She still was holding on to her velvet dress when he softly pushed her into another room down the hall. She didn’t spend much time looking around, it was obviously his bedroom and she didn’t care much anyway. He sat her down on the edge of his large, elegant four-poster bed but stood to watch her.



“I told you it was a bad idea to come here”, he said quietly.



A laugh escaped out of her sobbing: “This has nothing to do with me coming here.”



Draco hesitated and then said seriously: “I know.”



He turned his back on her, walked to the wardrobe and started looking through his clothes.



“He wouldn’t have been this angry only about the fact that you showed up here. From the state of you” he looked Kirsty up and down, “I’d say he knows”



She looked up and stared into his back with all the hatred she could gather: “Yes, he knows that you fucked me.”



Draco dropped what ever he was holding and spun around to her with wide eyes. He only stared. She hesitated. He should be scared, she thought. He should feel the same she did, really! Then she shrugged and added: “Except, I don’t think he knows it was you, and he doesn’t seem to care who it was either.”



Draco calmed down visibly and went back to retrieve something from his wardrobe. He came back over to her holding a pair of black trousers and a black jumper. He laid it next to her on the bed and said quietly: “This should fit you.”



She didn’t look at it. She pulled the blanket tighter around her and stared. He hesitated and then decided to sit next to her; they both stared for a while in silence, interrupted by a quiet sob or sniffle here and there that was escaping her mouth. Then she tried to shift on the bed and moaned in pain.



He looked up: “Are you hurt?”



She slowly turned her face with the red circled eyes to him and said bitterly: “Yes, I am.”



“Do you need something?”



She didn’t answer and looked down on the shreds of velvet in her hands.



“It was such a mistake”, she then said quietly as though Draco was not even supposed to hear her.



“I told you the dress didn’t mean anything to him”, Draco said.



She looked up with hate in her eyes again and hissed: “It meant something to me. And now it’s broken just because you twat could not keep your hands to yourself.”



He was clearly annoyed by what she said and part of him wanted to throw some other insult at her, but he stopped himself and said instead with a dismissive motion: “I can’t take you serious when you are all bruised and messed up.”



That was when she finally became aware of the state she was in and wordlessly she pulled the blanket tighter around her.



“Draco… I would like to ask you something.”



“Okay.”



“Does your mum love him?”



“Does my mum love my father?” Draco repeated as though he though he might have heard her wrong.



“Of course she does, what do you think?”



Kirsty was quiet for a moment before saying: “Does she know?”



“Know what?”



“Does she know …about…m..-does she know that your father has other women?”



Draco thought for a moment, and then said: “I think she does. He doesn’t bother to hide it very much. …I think she just turns a blind eye. I think as long as his family comes first she doesn’t mind. He would never let us down, she knows that so she doesn’t care what else he’s up to.”



“He doesn’t beat your mum, does he?”



“Of course not!” Draco insisted but went quiet as he looked at her and understood why she asked. He continued, “You might find it hard to believe but my parents love each other. What they have has nothing to do with you. You’re not part of it and you never will be. I was telling you that all along. You’re nothing but a toy for him.”



“And you might find it hard to believe but that’s ok with me”, she was silent for a while then she added quietly, “I only hope he comes around and doesn’t abandon me because you had to get into my pants.”



“Not that it matters, but you came on to me”, Draco noted dryly.



“Yeah, sure…” Kristy put as much sarcasm into her voice as she could master in her misery.



Draco got up and picked up the pair of clothes he had put beside her earlier. He dropped it into her lap.



“You should go, you’re starting to get annoying again.” He hesitated a moment as he looked at her, “I should look for some healing potion.”



“No”, Kirsty said, “I deserved what I got. I want to feel it.”



“Well, if you show up at Hogwarts like this you will have Madam Pomfrey on your heels faster then you can say ‘Stupefy’.”



Kirsty sighed. “Fine then…”



Draco soon came back with a vial of healing potion that started to quickly work on her bruises. But to her relieve they didn’t disappear completely and her pain was also still there. She dressed in Draco’s clothes, which fit her, even though it made her look rather boyish and Draco smuggled her out of the house unseen. From the gate she appeared back to a field near Hogwarts. She felt a bit sick. Had she done the right thing by going to Malfoy Manor? She hoped so; at least Lucius had not ignored her anymore. She felt darkness spread inside her. What kind of childish dreams she had had, it was time to get rid of them all. She lived to be what ever Lucius wanted her to be, she was his and nobody else’s and that was more than she could hope for in the world where even her own muggle father ignored her.

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If you are wondering what made me cry in the chapter? It was the broken dress! ….Maybe I should remember that this is only fiction…