Bad Romance

I want your loving
And I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your loving
All your love is revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
¡¡
The following letters are some of those found in the desk of Severus Snape in two piles, one tied with green ribbon, one with gold. After being exhaustively catalogued by his granddaughter, Miss Ariadne Snape, a small selection has been made available from during the courtship of Severus Snape and Hermione Granger. Her upcoming book, In The Strangest Places, a collection of real life love stories, is already selling pre-orders at Flourish and Blotts. Miss Ariadne Snape, age 35, is well known for her biographies, including Harry Potter: Wizard and Warrior, Hermione Granger Snape: A Crusading Heart, Severus Snape: Fortune's Fool, and Albus Dumbledore: The True Story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Hermione,

I¡¯m afraid I shall have to cancel tonight. The damn Wolfsbane for St. Mungo¡¯s isn¡¯t done yet. I had finished it yesterday, but then the idiots owled this morning that they meant to ask for twenty eight flasks, not twenty three. Dolts. Why I should be forced to pay for their incompetence is beyond me.

Never fear though, I shall be done in plenty of time for dinner tomorrow. Do remember, while Lucius is a sex maniac, outside the bedroom (or dungeon) he is a pleasant fellow and quite capable of behaving himself. I¡¯ve already had a lengthy discussion with him on proper behavior. As he is my only friend, I¡¯d thank you to refrain from hexing him.

Oh, and don¡¯t worry. Narcissa won¡¯t have any grudge against you. As I told you already, she doesn¡¯t mind his philandering ways. She objected for the first few years of their marriage, but then decided it was much more pleasant to permit (and sometimes encourage) affairs than to be in a state of constant exhaustion. Lucius really is insatiable. Pompous oversexed ass.

Yours,

Severus

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Severus,

I¡¯d like to apologize again for what I did to your only friend. In my defense, I didn¡¯t hex him, and the look he gave me after mentioning how much he regretted I wasn¡¯t wearing red was licentious in the extreme. He really looks quite dashing with lime green hair and with neon orange. Has it turned any new colors since I last saw him? Remind me to send George a thank you note for letting me borrow the first batch of Hair Flair candies, and to mention that they dissolve tastelessly in Firewhisky.

You were right about Narcissa, she really is a dear. She was quite friendly and showed me a large album of photos of Draco, Astoria, and little Scorpius. I¡¯m afraid Scorpius will be just as spoiled as his father; Narcissa told me for his birthday she¡¯s already gotten him an enormous stuffed dragon, a toy Firebolt, and five boxes of Weasleys¡¯ Wizarding Wheezes products. The poor child is barely two months old! I think she¡¯s trying to pay back Draco for being a fussy baby.

I¡¯ll see you for dinner tomorrow evening, and then we are going to a Muggle antique shop. I refuse to sit on that damn spindly chair in your sitting room one more time. I don¡¯t care how much Bellatrix Lestrange hated it; that chair has got to go.

Oh, and you left your shampoo in my bathroom. Please find it in the attached package.

Yours, Hermione

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Hermione,

When I saw him this morning it was purple with pink stripes. He¡¯s cut off half his hair and is in quite a temper. I told him cutting it wouldn¡¯t end the spell, but Lucius tends to get a little hasty when his blood is up. He hasn¡¯t left the manor since you ¡®poisoned¡¯ him. Suffice to say he no longer wants to get in your knickers. Once he¡¯s calmed down he¡¯ll probably like you all the better for pulling one over on him.

I am deeply sorry for leaving you with Narcissa. That album gets bigger every year. Almost every damn time I visit, she pulls it out to show me some new photo of Scorpius sitting on a rug blowing spit bubbles, although I must admit it is an improvement on the umpteen photos of Draco and Astoria¡¯s wedding, honeymoon, and daily life. I am thankful you find it endearing; I myself loathe that book. It¡¯s almost tempting to turn it into ash, but one should never, ever forget that Narcissa Malfoy used to be Narcissa Black. You¡¯ve not seen her in a temper. I¡¯ve only seen her in a temper once, and it was an unforgettable experience. You should be very thankful she has her obsessions with fashion, gardening, and children. With practice she might have been fiercer than Bellatrix.

Speaking of Bellatrix, I refuse to get rid of that chair. Every time she came to harp at me, she would sit on that chair. She hated it, and rightly so. Most uncomfortable chair I could find. It shortened her visits considerably. I will, however, consent to be dragged to a Muggle antique shop. I need another bookcase.

That is not my shampoo. Please find it in the attached package.

Yours,

Severus

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Severus,

I still don¡¯t know how you managed to fit that bookcase into your bedroom, but as a fellow bibliophile, I think you¡¯re overdoing it. Thanks so much for buying that lovely new chair as well; it¡¯s quite comfortable. Sorry for accidentally breaking the Bellatrix chair; I didn¡¯t realize it was so fragile, or I wouldn¡¯t have suggested having sex on it.

Narcissa has invited us to tea on Sunday. She was apparently much amused by my little joke. It wore off yesterday, and she said after sulking for a bit Lucius started laughing. I don¡¯t think he¡¯d be laughing if he realized how many pictures she took that are now hiding in my desk. She said she wanted me to keep them safe until she manages to find a suitable place for them in her album.

It¡¯s an impressive collection. The photos she¡¯s sent include not only that lovely purple with pink stripes, but blue polka dot, skunk stripe, a hideous yellow and purple plaid, and a disgusting shade of puce. How on earth she took all these photos I¡¯ve no idea, but I suspect Malfoy Manor has a collection of secret passages.

I got a letter from Harry this morning. Ginny¡¯s given birth to their second, and they¡¯ve named him Albus Severus. Poor child. I thought James Sirius was bad enough, but apparently not. I do hope they give the next a less dreadful name, as Albus Severus is even worse than Scorpius Hyperion. No sensible person should give a child such awful names.

Harry is vastly curious as to who my mysterious beau is. Since Ron and I split up, he had been rather distant, but we¡¯ve warmed things back up recently. It¡¯s lovely; I really missed Harry, as deficient as he is in baby naming. You¡¯ll have to meet him eventually, you know.

That is now your shampoo. Kindly use it.

Yours,

Hermione

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Hermione,

There is no such thing as too many books. As for how I fit it in, do try to remember that helpful little thing we have called magic.

You must have pleased Narcissa because she considers tea on Sunday a great compliment indeed. Please make me copies of those photos post haste; I think I should like to frame them and perhaps send Lucius a few for his birthday. And yes, Malfoy Manor has secret passages everywhere. I explored them on occasion in my younger years while visiting Lucius during holidays. In case you ever need blackmail on him, it might be useful to know that he has no less than three drawers of hair care products.

Of course Potter had no sense when naming his offspring. Even I wouldn¡¯t be so cruel as to give a child such a name as that. I¡¯m rather surprised at my inclusion in the naming of his second born, though I suppose I shouldn¡¯t be after the fuss he made clearing my name.

I suppose I cannot end your friendship with Potter (undeserving of you as he is), so I will have to congratulate you on its renewal. I don¡¯t quite feel up to meeting the cretin yet though; I¡¯ve a vast amount of brewing to do.

Stop sending me shampoo.

Love,

Severus

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Severus,

I knew that hair couldn¡¯t be natural. You should thank me for not mentioning it yesterday; I was tempted. Teasing Lucius is great fun. I was surprised he took my little joke so well; I had expected him to be grouchy despite what Narcissa said. Disappointingly, he¡¯s just as irritatingly handsome with short hair as with long, but George will be thrilled to have a new investor.

I¡¯m rather curious as to what you would name a child. Septimus, perhaps? Or Percival?

Vast amount of brewing my arse, you put your Shrinking Solution in stasis last night so we could have sex on the lab counter. Your standards of caution and cleanliness in the lab have certainly gone down since school. You just don¡¯t want to have to put up with Harry, Ginny, and two little boys until you have to. You¡¯ve had plenty of time; I asked you about this last month, and you begged off because you had ¡°a critical lack of mooncalf dung¡± and you needed to go gather some. Isn¡¯t it surprising that I found you already had a stock at Hogwarts? Git.

Stop sending the shampoo back, dammit!

Love,

Hermione

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Hermione,

Of course it isn¡¯t natural, and thank you for not mentioning it. Lucius has no idea how much I know about his secret passages, and I prefer it to stay that way. As for the joke, Lucius does have a sense of humor, however much he appears the lordly aristocrat in public. But then, no longer having to worry about a Dark Lord personally murdering your family does put a spring in one¡¯s step.

Of course not. Septimus means seven, an idiotic name for a child. Too reminiscent of Vector anyway, and I never liked her. As for Percival, most certainly not. I refuse to have my child share a name with the most obnoxious Weasley to ever disgrace Gryffindor House. Something like Alexander would be much more sensible.

Minx, it was your idea to instigate inappropriate behavior in the potions lab. If you hadn¡¯t been leaning on the counter and licking your lips in that horribly distracting manner, then it wouldn¡¯t have happened.

As for the mooncalf dung, fresh is always better than dried. And of course I¡¯m delaying. I may no longer hate Potter, but that doesn¡¯t make him less of a pain in the arse.

Cease and desist with the shampoo, witch!

Love,

Severus

P.S. Of course I¡¯m a git. Silly girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Severus,

You seem to be assuming children only come in blue. What girls¡¯ names would you think tolerable? I myself like Cordelia, or perhaps Desdemona. I¡¯m also rather fond of Hippolyta. Or maybe Eowyn?

I wasn¡¯t coming on to you, I was thirsty! I was about to ask where you had put that flask of pumpkin juice when you pounced on me. Licentious libertine.

Harry is an efficient and well-mannered professional, and you know it. Swallow your animosity for once.

If you keep the shampoo, I¡¯ll help you use it¡­

Love,

Hermione

P.S. I am not silly.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Hermione,

You¡¯ve inherited your parents¡¯ fondness for Shakespeare, it seems. No child should be named Hippolyta; it¡¯s a hideous name. As for Eowyn, I refuse to use a name from some silly fantasy book. In my opinion a girl should be named Helena, but why do you ask? I must confess myself to be a little suspicious.

Stop sending Howlers, woman! I¡¯ll meet Potter sometime next week.

Saucy minx, I didn¡¯t hear you begging for pumpkin juice, or did I somehow mishear you? And cease your ridiculous love affair with alliteration.

Fine, I¡¯ll keep the damnable shampoo, but I expect to see you in my shower post haste.

Love,

Severus Snape

P.S. Of course you are, dearest of Gryffindors.
¡¡
~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Severus,

Don¡¯t fret, I¡¯m not pregnant. What would you do if I was? And I¡¯m curious as to how you found out where Eowyn came from.

I¡¯ve told Harry we¡¯ll come to dinner next Friday evening. He¡¯s invited Ron and Susan as well, so be warned.

You heard me perfectly well. I believe I said something along the lines of ¡°Severus, please! More, harder, Severus! Lovely¡­ cock¡­ harder¡­ please¡­ Severus!¡±

Look who¡¯s talking about alliteration, you smug Slytherin snake.

By the way, you really should get a bigger shower. Is your back alright?

Love,

Hermione

P.S. Apology accepted.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Hermione,

Minx! I got your letter during Kingsley¡¯s visit and made the mistake of reading it. I had to sit through a half hour lecture on the duty of good citizens (and war heroes especially) to attend Ministry functions, all while suffering from a raging erection.

If you were pregnant I would simply do something I¡¯ve been putting off for the past few weeks. On that subject, would you come over for dinner on Thursday? I found an old Arithmancy text you might enjoy when I was sorting some of my books. As for the name, Minerva enjoys Muggle literature, so I asked her.

Dinner on Friday with Potters and Weasley? And apparently they¡¯ve dragged in the poor Miss Bones. I had thought she had more sense. She should do well with Mr. Weasley though; he needs a wife of the managing kind.

As for alliteration, I assure you most assertively my acumen is acceptable.

My back is fine; application of pain potion was successful. I do need a bigger shower; you can help me with the appropriate transfiguration when you next visit. And why did you send me a toothbrush and toothpaste?

Love,

Severus

P.S. It wasn¡¯t an apology.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Severus,

Serves you right. If you hadn¡¯t dodged the last three Ministry balls, he wouldn¡¯t have turned up to lecture you.

Susan doesn¡¯t manage Ron, I¡¯m sure. She gently and subtly redirects him when necessary. I¡¯m sorry I missed their wedding, but Ron and I still haven¡¯t quite patched things up. She¡¯s six months pregnant, you know. Harry said the two of them are absolutely batty over each other. I¡¯m pleased ¨C turning up with you and seeing Ron alone would have made me feel quite guilty, and he deserves all the happiness in the world.

I¡¯d love to come over on Thursday, but it will have to be a little later in the evening. I have the afternoon off, and I promised Luna I¡¯d go shopping with her. She and Rolf just got back from South America last week. She said they found an entire colony of Nargles. I was afraid to ask, but I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll find out soon.

Smug Slytherin show off.

Because I thought you could take a hint. Please, brush your teeth. Your breath is terrible in the morning.

Love,

Hermione

P.S. Git.

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A/N: Only one chapter left, plus the epilogue. Hope everyone has been enjoying the ride. Thanks as always to Soline.