The Sins Of A Father

A/N: Oh my god...I am SO sorry that I had not update sooner. But I had problems finding a beta and all and then more stuff was happening...Then more stuff, then to top it all, more stuff! *sweat drops* Yeah...Like that makes sense...Anyways, I\'ll update two chapters tomorrow or the next day…Depends if people still reading this. Or still REMEMBER the plot line lol. Enjoy, if you\'re still there.









Chapter Thirteen: The Most







I had opened the front door to my home, at once I’d stepped in and the door firmly shut behind me I sighed, loudly. I did not need to tell Lily of what I had done, since it did not meant anything but an act to convince a client.



Riddle owed me so much, I’m not sure if he even realises.



I did not want to dwell on the thought of Malfoy and his tongue, so I placed my briefcase and hung my coat on the silent servant in the hall. I went quietly into the kitchen to see if there was some food I could easily prepare in the least amount of time possible. I was off, but not enough to fall flat on my face. It was stupid of me to drive in that state, but alas; alcohol will boost your confidence and pride to make you think that everything is completely and you have complete control of what you are doing…



I smiled once I had noticed a plate wrapped in foil. My petal always thought of my wellbeing. Such as those little affections made me love her even more. I unwrapped the foil and place the plate into the microwave. Once it was heating up my food, I went to the fridge to drink some cold water and wait till the microwave was beeped, signalling that my food was ready to be wolfed down like only a half drunken and starving man could.



As I was nearly done eating my food I heard a soft patter of feet behind me. I twisted my head around to see my son stood at the entrance to the kitchen. I smiled slightly and whispered softly. “Hey…”



He warily smiled back and also whispered softly, “hello papa…” And went to the sink to get a glass of water.



I frowned when I watched him pouring the water into the glass. I knew something was wrong and I had my bet set on the fact that he had another nightmare as before. I got out of my chair and went to place my plate in the sink, “are you alright son?…You had another bad dream?…”



“Yeah, but its nothing that’s all,” he quickly dismissed. And went to start washing my plate. As if he needed to do something.



I frowned even more. “Nothing? Are you sure Harry? Did he do anything to you on the weekend?” I tried to show no anger on my face, but my alcohol dosed blood was making it very difficult for me to do so.



He gave a little grin to reassure me, “its alright papa, dad didn’t do anything besides talking and taking me out to see the pictures…” He turned back to face the sink to wash my dishes.



I turned away glared at a wall. Hard. I did get annoyed, and perhaps even jealous that Harry still called him dad. I know I should not get jealous by that name since he is blood related to him…



But that little fact did nothing to help the raw hurt I was feeling. I love Harry so much that I do think of him as my own son. He is my son.



I hated Potter even more. He possessed something that I did not have; Harry’s blood and the right for him to call me dad.



Fuck you Potter.



“Papa?..”



I shook my head to clear my thoughts.



“Papa it’s getting late and we should go to bed…”



Harry was still staring at the kitchen floor. My thoughts was; ‘did he meant what I think he meant?’ “You want me to sleep with you?”



My sweet boy blushed so darkly that it made his bottle green silk pyjamas even stand out more. He went to pick up his glass of water and moved as if to leave. “Its all right - I’m ok, you don’t have to…I mean I don’t want to disturb your sleep - honestly, I understand, I mean – I’ve got school in the morning so I should go get some sleep…”



He was talking gibberish. I smiled fondly and took hold of his upper arm softly so he would not leave. “Harry, of course I don’t mind, you know that. Plus I don’t want to disturb your mother, so we’ll be spending the night in your room, ok?”



He beamed. “Ok.”



“Off with you now raven, so I can go and get my nightwear…” I smacked his bottom playfully. When he bounced along to his room I went off to get my nightclothes. Once I had entered into the bedroom, I went to spare a glance at Lily who was soundly asleep. I didn’t want to disturb her so I tiptoed quietly in to get my black pyjama bottoms, once I got that I went quietly out and shut the door softly.



I entered Harry’s room silently and noticed that he was not there. Upon hearing the water running in the adjoined bathroom I presumed he went to the shower. Which it confused me since it was late to have a shower at that time of night. But soon I ignored it and silently I stripped off my cloths and placed my bottoms on. When I was about to get into the covers I had noticed his computer was running by the window. It was in sleep mode but you could still hear the motor running.



I glanced at the door once more and then back at the computer. I was thinking to myself to whether to turn it off or leave it on. But I soon made my decision since I wanted to go sleep quickly and I would not get sleep anytime soon with that annoying buzzing filling the room. I can sleep through loud noises, but it annoys the shit out of me to hear low sounds such as the computer‘s motor. Having made my decision I walked towards the computer and moved the mouse around so it could ‘wake up’.



I was completely shocked.



Very shocked.



Everything that had happened between with Harry and I in the recent past made complete sense now. Hell, even the past few years the way he had acted around me. I could not believe what my eyes were seeing, and for the briefest of moments I was wondering that if I had a bit too much to drink.



Harry’s mystery love was…



“Me…” I whispered so quietly that it sounded more as a gasp.



And there it was, in full detail in an instant message chat. Harry had been talking to someone, which the other person had logged out soon after Harry had left to go downstairs. They had been talking about me.



I scrolled back up to see what exactly Harry meant about ‘gods I love him so much but its sounds wrong to me to call him papa’.



I wanted to know what he meant by it. Perhaps I even wanted to convince myself that I took it the wrong way. I know I should not be invading my son’s privacy like that but…it was about me! And I wanted to know.



The more I read the more I was in disbelief about the situation.

But the more I thought about the times Harry and me had shared the more it made sense.



I leaned down onto the table with my free hand so I would not fall down to the floor from the shock that was running through my body.



“U wudn’t believe how jealous I’ve gotten wen he waz, omg, havin sex wit my mum,” I read quietly to myself. I still remember what it had said till to this day. Even the atrocious typing.



“I mean it hurt 2 much wen he waz lookin like tha at my mum, e never done tha to me…”



“Well Har, he IS ur dad…” The other person had written back.



“Ey I thought you was tryin 2 elp me! Not make me fel worse”



“Lol, soz m8, jus pointin the obvious”



“I know e’s mi dad n all but, e anit mi REAL dad scuzz! I mean I do fink of em as mi dad, beter then mi real 1 but e’s not the same blood as mi u kno? It cant be rong 4 mi likin him can it?…”



“I kno wot u mean m8, u cant elp but feel for em lik tha. Tings jus appen tha u cant stop but m8 even u said tha e’s lik ur real dad, u kne em since wen? 10?”



“9...”



“Well then! Wha did u fink of em then?”



“I dnt kno, a frend mybe? But its difrent now, I strtid 2 lik em a few yrs bk. Lik…12?”



“Twelve years old?” I whispered to myself in disbelief. I did not even know boys could feel anything but friendship at that age. “That was the age when…”



“Abu tha tme I realy lik em then. Wen e strtid 2 sleep wit mi”



“WTF?”



“Lol no not lik tha! I mean if e did u fink I wud tlk abu tis? Im jus sayin wen I get nitmares and e was alwys ther 4 mi an it jus mde mi feel saf n all an soon I strtid to realy lik em I mean I kpt on finkin about em al th time. Wen e alwys cmfortin al th time I jus cldnt imgin myself witou em u kno? An thas wen I strtid 2 hate it wen e pays mor atention 2 th othrs lik mi bro an mi mum…evin wen he cms late frm work…I kno I shldnt but it urts mi 2 much, I smtims show it but smtims I dnt…”



“Did u try goin out wif othr ppls m8?”



“Yh I did, it didn’t work out at al, al I could fink of how wrng it was wit mi bein wif them but not mi wif em. Fuck th wrse fing about tis is tha I stil wnt 2 cal em papa. I kno its wrng an it dse sound wrng bu… I jus wnt 2 cuz e’s lik mi dad an I lve em so much…urg its SO wrng cuz I wan 2 em be mi dad alwys an I jus wnt him to be…”



“Wat har? Wat u wan im 2 be?”



“Mi lover at th same time scuzz…”



I turned off the computer immediately once I heard the water stop running from the bathroom. I always found it strange how my senses would go into high gear when I did something I knew I should not be doing. This was no exception. My heart was pounding so hard and fast that I could hear my blood pumping in my ears. That was when I had finally known, with no disbelief attached, that he loved me…more than he should.



I felt so wrong and completely dirty. What he was thinking - about me - was forbidden in more ways than one. I dived underneath the covers of the bed quickly once I knew that I should not have been near his computer at all.



Then I realised that I should not even be in his bed at all.



But I could not very well have left him with out arousing suspicion could I?



Lying there not doing anything at all was one of the most difficult moments I had to endure in my life. I was torn between three options; The first option was for me to make an excuse to go sleep in the bed with my wife.



Second option was for me to confront him about what I have read.



Third option is that I could ignore it with the best of my ability and spend the night with my son.



I had to chose the latter option since the first will be too suspicious and out of…routine. The second would be…Too painful.



I knew very well that I could not just simply ignore Harry’s feelings and wish to all the gods that I could think of to make this situation disappear.



I shut my eyes as tightly as I could. My son was twelve years old when he held deeper feelings than a son should for a father. I opened my eyes slowly once I had calmed down. Thinking over about the conversation what Harry had said to his friend. Even though that I’m not blood related to him he, still thinks of me as a father? Still think of me as his parent, wanting to call me papa still and along with that he wants me to be his lover?



All I could think of is that this is just as bad as incest.



“Papa, you asleep?”



I cringed ever so slightly at the voice. “No…” And not for a very long time I had wanted to say.



“Ok,” I turned over my head to watch him coming to the bed in his full pyjamas, turning over the covers to get into bed. I felt very much aware that I was half naked at that moment. “I just wanted to take a quick shower cause I was a bit smelly,” He giggled.



I gave him a small smile that only managed to tug the corner of my lips.



“Oh, I almost forgot!” He jumped out of bed and went to the computer.



My blood ran cold.



He moved around the mouse, a frown showing on his face. “That’s funny…” I heard him mumble.



I tucked one arm under my pillow, rolled over my left side facing Harry, and closed my eyes. Inside I was panicking.



But also was Harry. “Erm… D-did you turn off my computer?…”



My alcohol dosed mind was running amuck. I could have lied, I had wanted to lie! But I could not. Not to him, my sweet boy. Even if it would make it so much easier but...He was my Harry. My boy. My little raven.



It turned out that the second and third option had merged into one. Making only two options available to me. Run out of the room to sleep in my own room. Or stay here with him and talk to him about…us?



My eyes opened and my sight landed on his panicked features.



He was still a child. I had to be very careful on where I tread on this thin ice. I had to keep the conversation we had in my car much more in my mind than I had read on his computer screen. He felt something that neither of us could stop. Too long he had felt this way about me and I did not want to see him break. He means too much to me.



His heart might as well been in my palm. I could crush him and watch him weep to the ground…



Or I could hold him close to me and sort out our little problem. “Come here son, come and lay down with me…” I said softly.



I watched him standing still, completely frozen.



I sighed. “Please?”



He gulped and started to come towards me, his entire body trembling slightly with fear. Either that or I still had the affects of my drinks.



He lay down stiffly onto the bed on his side. I was very much noticing the huge distance between us. He might as well have been lying on the floor. But what would you expect?



I sighed again. I could not be angry with him, I’m not angry with him at all. He doesn’t deserve my anger. He deserves my love.



But I could not have given him the love as I share with my petal.



I reached over to gently stroke him with my free hand. Looking deep within his eyes. The light flicker of hope.



I closed my eyes and once again, sighed. I could not give him hope.



It was too dangerous.



But I wanted to comfort him.



As his father, “I want you in my arms raven…”



He blinked a few times, and then slowly scooted towards my direction. Once he was by my side I pulled him closer, but making sure I kept his face connected with mine.



He took it the wrong way and closed the distance with his lips placed on to mine. My eyes widen in complete and utter shock. I was just frozen there while my lips were being occupied with his. I felt so wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!



But it felt so…fucking right!



No, I could not let that happen. I’m his father! I’m the one who suppose to protect him, care for him, and not take advantage of him! He is my son, and as the adult I have responsibilities for him. I should not be lying down with my son and letting him kiss me.



Yes, for I did not kiss him back.



For I did not wish to dare to kiss him back.



My little boy…All I wanted from him was his happiness.



But why did he need to seek that from me? I could not give that to him…it was wrong.



I felt my heart break at that fact.



I pushed him away. I need him to understand he - we - could not let anything more than a father and son relationship happen between us. I looked him in his eyes, my wife’s eyes. Seeing his scared and hurt emotion surfacing through the Jade-like eyes. “Harry…No…No son…” I whispered as soft, and gentle as I could. I stroked his cheek once more, noticing his eyes watering, bunching up his eyelashes together. I know I was hurting him, but it was the right thing to do. “We can’t Harry, my little raven…You are my son…Who is related to my other son, your brother, who has the same mother as you…Who is my wife Harry…Don’t you see raven? We just simple cannot…”



His tears were steadily watering in a slow rhythm down his cheeks. The angle of his head lying down sideways was making his tears fall down to his pillow and his lips.



His face cringed by his silent sob. “Please papa?...” His voice was broken by the plea. I wanted to cry. I could not make my son happy.



But I was lying there with him, watching him break down in front of me. How does that make a father feel? To watch someone you love hurt like that? Knowing very well that you could easily give them what they want, but you could not in the end.



How do you think that will make someone feel?



It made me feel as if I did not deserve anyone in my life.



I closed my eyes not wanting to see the despair that was in front of me. I had to do one final saying to end his feelings that had anything romantically involved with me. I opened my eyes, showing all the sympathy I could muster. “No Harry, I’m sorry son…I love you, I care for you, but I can not do that…Please Harry, don’t make me do this…I want you to be happy but think of the others. What it will do to them. You’ll find someone else Harry, I promise, even if I have to find someone at the end of the universe to just to see that smile on your beautiful face…” My resolve was trembling. I could not think of why exactly then. I kissed him between his eyebrows. Whispering a little harshly due to the fact that my voice was breaking. Feeling the tight lump forming in my throat I tried desperately to hold back my tears. “Please Harry! Let go of me! Please my little raven…Let go for me…”



He broke down. Curling him self up into a ball but I quickly took hold of him with both of my arms before he could do that. Bringing him close to me as much as it was possible to do. Tucking his head under my chin, feeling his wet tears leaving its mark on my bare skin.



It hurt, it bloody well hurt for me.



But it hurt HIM the most.