The Pains of Becoming

Hi everyone!

Sorry it took a while to update, there was a switch of betas.

I would like to say thank you again to Sajahi for betaing the last 14 chapters! She was a great help!

The new chapter is beta'd by the moderators of theStorybook.telayouts.net. Thanks for taking over the job!



Ok, you fanatics out there will notice the Gryffindor password is different from the one that was actually used in book five. The reason is just that I needed Neville to forget it, which for ones he doesn't in book 5, so I gave them a different password.



I’m sorry there is no dirty stuff in this one… this is a chapter for the plot…

-------------------------------



Chapter 15

A boy called Harry Potter



Kirsty felt absolutely terrible as she went down to the dungeons for potions class the next day. She knew Draco did not feel much better then her, having overheard Harry Potter saying to his ginger haired friend. “What’s the matter with Malfoy? He didn’t’t even try to insult our mothers today!” Ginger answered with a shrug. “Don’t know. He looked sort of green in the face.”



Kirsty held her head to try to keep it from exploding and dragged herself into the potions classroom. When she sat down and tiredly looked around, she noticed just how important it was going to be to look as though she was fine. Several Slytherins sat slumped over their desks, holding their heads and moaning in pain. At least it was gloomy in here, Kirsty thought. Some of the Gryffindor, they shared this class with looked around a bit bewildered at the strange behavior by their fellow students. Kirsty tried hard to appear normal but it was not much good. Maybe it would be easier, she thought if there wasn’t this entirely horrible flashback playing on a loop in her head, which portrayed the reason of her shame and dismay. How could she lower herself this much? She had Lucius Malfoy! Why in heaven’s name did she have to have a fifth year student? A Malfoy or not, who cared, what did all this mean, and most importantly, now that he’d had her, there was nothing more for him to do but laugh at her. He had gotten everything out of her. There was nothing she could bait him with anymore. Besides she remembered Lucius words. “…when you are wearing this, remember that you are part of something bigger than Hogwarts and that you have responsibilities.”



Back then she had felt so proud and now? Now, she’d had too much to drink and put on that dress and shagged his son on the common room floor. It never really had been an issue but she knew he did not want her to sleep around and she knew he did not want Draco to touch her. She was so upset with herself she instantly decided to confess it all to Lucius next time she saw him and beg him to punish her and then to forgive her. But quickly it dawned on her that she could not tell him, not only did it get Draco in trouble too, she felt that this offence was bad enough to put her in real danger if he found out. As she tried to formulate what she was going to say to him: “I betrayed you and had sex with your son, I’m really sorry”, she felt another wave of a headache come over her. She could not tell him, it was impossible. He would probably kill her for it, or at least hurt her really bad and throw her away like an old rug. She had to simply live with her guilt.



Why had Snape not been there to stop it all, she started wondering. He always showed up when someone was up to no good, why was he not there yesterday when it really mattered?



And there was something else. She needed contraceptive potion. It existed in different concentrations and the longer she waited the stronger the mixture had to be. She could go to Madam Pomfrey, but she would notify Snape and that was the last thing she needed. She sighed.



And she sighed again even louder and held her head, and so did some other Slytherins, when Snape entered and threw the dungeon door shut with a bang.



He stepped in front of the class and looked suspiciously around, lingering on the one or other of his Slytherins. It was clear that he noticed there was something wrong with them today, but he probably did not want to make a scene in front of the Gryffindors and so he turned to the blackboard and waved his wand. The instructions for the day’s task appeared.



Still Kirsty knew that this was not the end of it and indeed, towards the end of dinner that night, Professor Snape stood up from his seat and the chattering in the Great Hall died down. He turned towards his house table with a fierce stare and announced:



“I want to see all Slytherins in their common room right after dinner.”



Kirsty knew that this was a bad sign. It happened very rarely that Snape summoned all of them together to speak to them. Once it happened two years ago, when Sirius Black was supposed to be in the castle. And the year before that, when all students had to stay in their dormitories because of the basilisk. But this was different, she could tell. Though she was not too concerned about it. She had been part of the group and Snape would not connect this incident to her latest actions. He could not possibly know about Draco and her; that was all that mattered.



After dinner Kirsty squeezed herself into the small free space on the sofa by the fireplace. Everyone was there and everyone was very quiet. It was strange, it seemed somewhat apocalyptic, but maybe that was only because of the past incidences that caused these kinds of gatherings. Or, maybe they were right to feel apocalyptic, Kirsty had no idea how Snape would react to drunken partying and free sex in the common room… except of course he didn’t know about the sex…hopefully.



Everyone shrugged as the door exploded open. Snape swept inside and came to a hold staring at his students as though he wished them all to be cursed with one of those terrible curses from the book of forgotten curses. He didn’t say anything for an awfully long time and simply let his eyes wander over every single one of them.



Then he simply said, ever so quietly and controlled: “The bottles.” He held out his hand. Luke, the 6th year who had bought in the alcohol the night before seemed to feel responsible and after squirming in his seat for a moment got up and pulled an empty bottle from behind the sofa. Fearfully he stepped forward and gave it to Snape. Snape looked at the bottle and then back at Luke.



“How many?”



“Ten, Sir.” Luke answered with a shaking voice. Snape slowly placed the empty bottle on the table next to him, his stare still penetrating. Kirsty didn’t think she had ever seen so much disgust in Snape’s face.



“Detention with Filch for the rest of your pathetic life”, he hissed quietly at the boy and then looked up at all of them again for a long, quiet moment. Kirsty started to wonder if he actually was short for words, then he spoke again.



“If something like this happens one more time you are all expelled! That would be the end of Slytherin House, and I won’t care. I’d rather see Slytherin going down than accept that it consists of a bunch of irresponsible, lousy, drunken teenagers! Except for meals and classes you are confined to the common room to revise until… until all of you have become such brilliant students that further improvement is impossible.” He was about to turn around and leave, when Luke stood up.



“Sir!”



Snape stopped and turned around again, shooting Luke another deadly stare.



“The younger students had nothing to do with this. They didn’t have any…” Luke explained quietly.



Snape’s gaze wandered once more over his students and he said once again every so simply.



“I. Don’t. Care.”



He walked out of the common room and slammed the door behind him. None of the students moved, they looked around at each other as though trying to read on each others faces what they thought of their punishment and the so untypical short Snape-lecture.



Kirsty was deep in thought. This made things complicated! The polyjuice potion was ready, and she wanted to go through with her plan tonight! It was about time she got things done, she had not heard from Lucius in ages. But more importantly, she had planned to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow and try to get contraceptive potion there somehow.



It was no good she had to get over herself. It was now or never. She jumped up and ran out of the common room, she did not see the puzzled faces of her fellow students nor the shock in the eyes of the younger ones who could not believe she ignored Snape’s punishment right away like this.



She ran down the corridor to catch up with Snape.



“Professor Snape. Please wait. It’s important!” she shouted after him. He stopped and turned.



She quickly approached him, “Please, I need to speak to you… it’s important.”



Silently, he led her to his office which was not far down the corridor. Shoving her inside, he closed the door and sat down behind his desk.



He seemed to be a bit preoccupied brooding over recent Slytherin mischief.



“Sir. I, I need,” Kristy staggered out unsure how to approach the subject. She looked away so she wouldn’t have to see his grim expression. “Contraceptive,“ she paused briefly, “Potion.” Her eyes were fixed on a bookshelf, as to avoid eye contact. From the corner of her eye she saw him rise from his seat with incredible speed. She winced in anticipation of being yelled at, yet none came. She dared to look at him.



He stared at her briefly before asking, “Why do you need contraceptive potion?” in a tone slightly more calm and controlled than normal.



“Well”, she stammered. Was this a rhetorical question, she wondered?



“Who were you with?”, he continued.



She hesitated. Did he really need to know the details?



“Who were you with?”, he repeated in the exact same tone.



“Sir, that’s not, ” she began before being cut off.



“Who were you with?” he shouted.



She stepped back and squeezed her eyes shut as she blurted out,“Draco Malfoy. But I was drunk!” She did not hear a reply so she carefully opened her eyes. He towered over his desk silently although it was clear he was fuming inside.



“And how does that fact make it better?” he asked calmly.



Without reply, she lowered her head, he was right. Why did she even try to justify something she hated herself for? She felt tears coming. How did he manage to always make her cry? As she tried to suppress her tears, Snape moved away from his desk towards a cupboard in the back. He opened it, searching around for a little while. He retrieved a small vial then came over to her. Instinctively, she stepped back. He held the vial towards her without a word. With her eyes still cast downward she accepted the vial.



“Thank you, sir.”

She held the vial tightly while waiting for him to step away from her. He didn’t move instead he held his position in front of her. Clearly he was not finished with her.



“Since you don’t have a mother and your father is somewhat vacant, I am aware you might need someone to talk to about these matters.”



As he spoke, she held her breath. She hoped he would stop there. The situation was awkward enough and she didn’t wish for Snape to dwell on her sex life any longer.



“If you wished, I could speak to Professor McGonagle, or another female staff member for you. I am sure they would be willing to talk to you.”



She shook her head,“No, thank you.” She squeezed the vial harder silently praying the encounter was over.



“It is your choice”, he said. “But be more considerate from now on.”



She made a move towards the door but he grabbed her arm. She froze.



“Meaning, don’t let me catch you drunk or …otherwise.”



Normally, she would have laughed at his words but his voice was so threatening it send a shiver down her spine. The moment he set her free she hurried back to the door. But he held her back once more, this time the threat had almost completely disappeared from his voice.



“Anything else?”, he asked, as though he expected she had forgotten something, since she was obviously done with him.



She stopped and turned, “No, Sir.” She did not wait for a reply and quickly left the office.



She drained the contraceptive on her way back to the common room, decided to simply swallow the entire last twenty-four hours with it. People made mistakes, she would get over it. She had to get back on track.



Lucius told her to send an owl to let him know when the job was done. Since the potion was attained, she decided to not make him wait any longer. She made a quick stop in the small storage room where the potion was hidden. The pending arrest didn’t concern her. She would turn in to her Gryffindor victim which would eliminate any problems.



She closed the door behind her and went over to the simmering potion hidden behind an old sofa. The smell was terrible. She held her breath while stirring through the thick liquid. She gasped for air then swallowed a spoonful quickly. Immediately, she wanted to vomit but attempted to distract herself.



She suddenly felt very much out of control, as if her body had turned into pudding. An overpowering tingle caused her to collapse to the floor. The horrible feeling made her believe the potion went bad. She thought she was turning into some kind of monster but then the feeling stopped. She laid there for a moment, waiting for the horrible feeling to return, but it was over.



Carefully she got to her feet. It could not have been weirder…she was a boy! For a moment, the strange thought to check out her male parts occupied her but, she felt that was somehow very wrong, since these body parts belonged to a fifteen year old Gryffindor.



She grabbed the Gryffindor uniform and glasses she stored here weeks ago in preparation for this day. After dressing, she looked down at herself once more attempting to adjust but this was just too weird. She wanted to get this done and over with as quickly as possible. She grabbed the box she was to place under Harry’s bed and hid it under her cloak, before hurrying out of the room and up the corridor. She had to get away from the dungeons as fast as she could. It was not the place for a Gryffindor after school hours.



She felt a bit better when she reached a higher level near the Great Hall. Some people said “Hello” to her as she passed and she nodded. She was surprised, either Harry Potter was really popular or she was a real loner. She was not used to being greeted that much in the corridors. Lucky, famous, bastard, Harry Potter.



She made it up to the portrait, Gryffindor‘s entrance. All she had to do now was to wait until someone else wanted to enter. She saw a boy approaching. He was about Harry’s age she thought. She did not recognize him but she assumed him to be a Gryffindor as well as a friend of Harry because he waved at her as he came up the staircase.



”Hello Harry, what are you up to?”



She shrugged. “I must be overworked or something”, she said muffling her voice, “I actually forgot our password, can you believe it?” She stepped over to him, in front of the portrait; ready to step inside with him but the boy suddenly looked a bit upset.



“Yeah, I can,” he looked away clearly embarrassed. She waited and noted he was not going to open the portrait hole. Looking back at him, she realized what he had said.



“You have forgotten it, too?” she asked in disbelieve.



The boy turned to her, “Well, you know me, Harry.”



She cursed silently and suppressed the urge to kick herself. Was everyone in Gryffindor stupid?



“Well, we will just have to wait for someone else then, won’t we?” she said, a bit impatiently. The boy didn’t answer and continued to look embarrassed. She only hoped the next Gryffindor to come was not Harry Potter himself. Finally Hermione arrived.



“Harry, Neville, what are you two doing?” she asked but didn’t wait for an answer she was to excited to tell them something.



“Have you heard? After classes the corridors are going to be completely Slytherin-free until further notice!”



“Really?” the forgetful boy said.



“Yes! Apparently they had some kind of crazy party in the common room on Malfoy’s birthday and Snape grounded them all.” She turned to Kirsty with a smile, “Harry, I think we have to be grateful to Snape after all.”



Kirsty felt her stomach turn but she smiled a thin smile, “Hu… yeah.”



Hermione did not pick up on the rather odd looking smile, instead she turned to the portrait hole and spoke the password, ‘Manticora’, and the portrait swung open.



Kirsty looked around the common room quickly. She had done her research; she knew Harry shared his dorm with a boy called Neville, so this was lucky. Neville went straight towards a spindle staircase; she assumed would lead to the dorm, so she followed him.



She was right. They ended up in a small, circular room with five beds. She noted that their dormitory was a lot nicer than that of the Slytherin. After all their dorms where under the damn lake. She focused on the beds. Which was Harry’s? Neville went towards one of the beds and another boy was sitting on one. There were three left. As she walked closer, she noticed a fire bolt lying under one of the beds. As far as she knew, Harry was the only student at Hogwarts who had one. She went towards it and sat down. No one paid attention to her now, so she pretended to be looking for something in the drawers next to the bed. Unnoticed, she moved the little box out of her cloak and under the bed where she opened it.



It was time to get out, before she ran into the real Harry, or started changing back but, she hesitated. She noticed that the Potter brat had some really nice things! There was the invisibility cloak and the marauders map that Draco had spoken about. She was so tempted to take both. Then she cleared her head. If Harry noticed someone had stolen them her mission was in danger.



She got up and smiled at Neville and the other boy. “Well, see you later.”



“Ok,” Neville said while the other boy just nodded. She hurried down the stairs, crossed the common room and left Gryffindor territory.



She breathed out a sigh of relief as she reached the familiar dungeon. She now had to hide out in the storage closet until the potion wore off.



“Potter!”, she heard a familiar voice shout behind her. At first, she did not feel addressed but she was the only person there. She stopped and turned; of course it could not be this easy. Professor Snape stepped out of another corridor and came closer. She looked at him, he seemed different. His expression was unfamiliar. He had never looked at her this way. She knew his angry, piercing stare, but this was slightly different. There was complete personal dislike in his eyes.



He came up to her, “Why are you sneaking around down here, Potter? Up to some funny prank again?”



“No”, she answered, not sure what else to say.



“You are just like your father. Though, he had better excuses than you.”



“I’m just… I got lost.” She knew this was really lame but she could not find a better excuse.



“5 points from Gryffindor! It’s agonizing enough having to put up with you in class, now get out of my dungeons!”, he spat. He did not seem to want to hear a reply of any kind so she just hurried away.



She turned around the next corner and waited for Snape to disappear. She thought about the way he looked at her when he thought she was a Gryffindor. It was somehow different from the way he had ever looked at her. Different even from earlier that day when she asked him for the contraceptive potion. He had been cold, harsh and threatening as ever but, there had been something else that she would have never recognized if it had not been missing from his stare just now. There was some kind of commitment, responsibility and care. He did care about her and the other Slytherins, in his own, very unrecognizable way.