For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity

Chapter 15

The sadness and helplessness that Remus had felt the entire
evening gradually mingled with a strangely warm, gleaming thread
of gratitude and relief - two feelings that he knew were totally
uncalled for, regarding the events of this night. Still, watching
the man who sat with him in his quarters didn\'t leave the
Gryffindor much of a choice but to give in to those slowly
awakening and most encouraging emotions.

It had been almost an hour ago when he and Severus had
retreated to his quarters in the East Tower, the Slytherin in a
condition which had frightened the werewolf out of his mind.
More or less exactly four months had passed since he and
Severus had shared their first Full Moon night, and even though
Remus had been fully aware of the inevitability that lay in the
merciless progress of his friend\'s physical decline, he had to
admit to himself that no knowledge, no degree of awareness
could have prepared him to witness the totally horrifying
development of Severus\'s condition. Each passing day left its
marks, it looked to the werewolf as if each night made the
Slytherin fade away a little more, every encounter with
Voldemort seemed to gnaw off another piece of the spy\'s
gradually collapsing body - and still, he stood tall and proud as
ever. Still doing his duty as a teacher, as well as complying
with the demands as a spy. Still refusing to give in, still keeping
up the macabre charade he offered the world around him, the
world which did not know.

Remus seriously wondered how long the rapidly aggravating
symptoms of the ritual would allow the spy to continue leading
the mixed up life that he did. The werewolf could watch and
sense how being around others became a more and more serious
daily challenge for his friend, how the Slytherin let the distance
to other persons grow, how he retreated more and more, how
the protective wall of sarcasm and arrogance he had once
erected grew denser and more impenetrable with each new day.
Dealing with physical proximity had been difficult for the spy
ever since he had received the third mark that had completed
the fatal triangle encircling his heart, but by now it was
something more. It had changed in quality, had become an eryderyday torture.

Like tonight.

With a painful twist of his heart, Remus let his mind wander
back a few hours, to another place in the castle. It had been
one of the meetings of the Order which took place very
frequently now. For the third time this week, they had
gathered in Albus\'s office, and the tension and nervousness
that had coloured their most recent sittings had been palpable
this time. The air had been thick with a weird mixture of
impatience, uncertainty and a special kind of fear, the kind
created by a profound and tormenting feeling of utter
helplessness. Things were gathering, everyone felt it, and
Severus\'s reports told a clear story oe Dae Dark Lord
preparing for *something* - still, the spy cou't g't give any
more detailed information. Voldemort obviously didn\'t want
to leave anything to chance at all, and as far as Severus could
tell, there was no Death Eater who knew more than he or she
absolutely needed to - a situation most of them remembered
only too well. Except for the Order’s younger members, they
could all recall very clearly that it had been like that before.
And the last time, this painful feeling of forced ignorance had
been followed by one of Voldemort\'s most terrible attacks
which had left too many of them dead, and they all knew who
had been among the victims. The fact that then as well, it had
been Severus who had not been able to warn them in time,
combined with the awareness that something was definitely
coming, had stirred up galling frustration among them all
tonight.

And as always, much of the tension and unconscious and
unspoken reproaches had been focussed on the messenger.

It had ripped Remus\'s heart apart. With growing agony, he
had been ed ted to watch how those little poisoned arrows of
silent accusations and reproachful glances had found their
target again and again. He had witnessed how being pressured
like that had weakened the Slytherin\'s defences against the
ritual\'s effects minute by minute, how being forced to struggle
to lose neither his physical composure nor his temper had
revealed more and more of the spy\'s own disappointment,
frustration and despair in the face of the hopeless situation they
were in, regarding the not very useful reports that he had
brought home lately. Unable to interfere, Remus had seen the
man he regarded as a friend being caught in a futile fight
between desperately controlling his body\'s reaction to the ritual
on the one hand and meeting wordless condemnation from too
many of the Order\'s members with as much pride and dignity
as possible on the other. A futile fight that went on for almost
three hours.

The werewolf knew that, had the meeting lasted only a few
minutes longer, that battle on multiple fronts would have made
the spy break down, right there, in front of everyone. Remus,
who had been able to sense Severus\'s growing terror and
increasing suffering with painful clarity, had no idea where
the spy had found the strength to withstand the meeting\'s last
thirty minutes.

Still he had. Until it all had finally been over, until Albus had
dismissed them all, without their having achieved anything like
a concept, a plan, or even a vague idea of how to deal with what
the Dark Lord would have in store for them in the future. And
in the swirl of moving bodies, flowing robes and concerned
voices that had followed Albus\'s parting words, Remus had been
searching for the Slytherin\'s eyes.

For a very brief moment, the Gryffindor marvelled at how
tuned the two of them seemed to be to each other now. All it
had taken was a short glance, a quick eye contact, to wordlessly
voice the invitation to his rooms which had been understood
immediately as well. If the werewolf was honest with himself,
he had to admit that he had been surprised, though not
unpleasantly so, when Severus had accepted with a weak, barely
noticeable nod. Remus had expected the spy to want to retreat
to the solitude of his own quarters, to the place where he would
be alone, where he would be able to recofromfrom the agonizing
strain of the past hours in the loneliness that he now needed so
very much. That the Slytherin had chosen his company instead
aroused a very special kind of warmth inside the werewolf,
one he had missed for a long time. One that had filled him
quite often recently when it came to a certain Slytherin.

They had made their way up to the East Tower in complete
silence, and the only sounds audible had been the spy\'s
ragged breathing. As usual, Remus had followed his friend
at a certain distance, never taking his eyes off the slim figure
in front of him. He could only watch helplessly the unsteady
movements with which Severus dragged his body forward and
the violent shivering cramps that shot through the other man\'s
frame with frightening regularity. The spy\'s hands had been
trembling badly, and each time the Slytherin had grabbed for
the railing to support his swaying climb up the stairs, it had
taken him several seconds to finally loosen the fingers that
had clenched into tight talons around the wood.

Remus had hurt for his friend with every step up to his
quarters, had silently shared Severus\'s agonized weakness,
had sensed how torture had inexorably eaten its way through
the Slytherin\'s shaken consciousness, had suffered with the
spy until he had felt tears running down his own invisible
cheeks...

Returning from his memories with a soft sigh, Remus leaned
back in his seat, never letting the other armchair next to the
fire out of his sight. The distance between their chairs had
constantly grown over the past weeks, but even if he had not
still been able to make out the other man\'s features in the dim
light of the fire, the clear change in Severus\'s aura would have
been enough to tell him how the spy was feeling. And what
Remus saw, what he received was the reason for the relief he
had felt earlier, for the gratitude that gradually began to break
up the hard lump of fear and sadness that had been building all
evening.

The warm light of the dancing flames painted its ever changing
tattoo on the Slytheri cle clearly defined features, illuminating a
calmness and serenity Remus hadn\'t seen there in a long time.
Severus\'s hands, which were now slackly lying on the armrests
had completely stopped shivering, his breathing was deep and
even. With his eyes closed and his head turned slightly to one
side, every part of his body radiated peace and unconditional
trust onto his companion so as not to stir up the ritual once more,
and Remus, who knew what a rare gift moments like this had
become for his Slytherin friend, was overwhelmed with the hot
urge to do whatever would grant this kind of perfect tranquillity
to the spy forever.

Only the painful awareness that this was impossible was
equally strong, was knifing through his thinking and feeling
at the same time, mockingly reminding him of what eternity had
in store for Severus instead. What the rest of the spy\'s life would
look like. How he would have to spend his time before it would
all be over in the end. The entire rest of his time. All of it. To
the full. Every single minute. Each day. Every night...

But not tonight!

Only when Remus felt the fingernails of both of his hands
digging deeply into his palms did he become aware of his
tightly clenched fists which were trembling with frustration, but
with fierce determination as well.

Not tonight!

This night would be one of peace and calmness. Nothing and
no one would disturb Severus, not now that he had totally
entrusted his well-being to Remus\'s care and responsibility.

The werewolf straightened in his seat, eyes gleaming, body
tense with resolution. This night would mean nothing but
safety, some precious hours without terror, fear, pain or
suffering. A night of peace. A night of calmness. Disturbed
by nothing and no one. He himself would see to it. And a
curse upon him if he failed!

He would not.
Not tonight.

Slowly and very carefully, Remus started to lift his body out
of his armchair until he stood. With deliberate steps, always
concerned to keep as much distance as necessary between
himself and the Slytherin, the Gryffindor moved over to the
small table where he had lain down Harry\'s Invisibility Cloak
about an hour ago. He needed to see Albus to let him know
where Severus was, in case the Headmaster would try to contact
his spy. With one swift movement, Remus had thrown the
Cloak over his shoulders and was already on his way to the
door. It was rather unlikely that Albus had not noticed the
horrible state the Slytherin had been in tonight, and even
though Remus was also absolutely positive that Albus knew
Severus had not returned to his own quarters after the meeting,
the Headmaster would expect his spy back in the dungeons
sometime tonight. It was unthinkable that someone like Albus
Dumbledore would not at least check on a member of the Order
in a condition like that.

Disturbed by nothing and no one.

Albus would have to wait until tomorrow to see for himself
that Severus had recovered from the strains of this night\'s
meeting. Somehow, Remus needed to convince HeadHeadmaster
that the spy was taken care of tonight, and even though the
werewolf had no clear idea yet how exactly he would achieve
this, he had a feeling that Albus already knew *something*
about the growing relationship between the Gryffindor and the
Slytherin anyway. He probably already knew more than Remus
could imagine, and maybe it would have been enough to use
the Order\'s own ways of communication to let the Headmaster
know. Still the idea of not informing Albus personally made
the Gryffindor feel most uncomfortable. This was a very
personal matter, and he\'d rather deal with it in an appropriate
way.

Drawing his wand, Remus lowered the wards to his rooms in a
low, whispering voice, his free hand already on the door
handle.

\"It\'s not necessary to take all that trouble treading softly like
that, Remus. I\'m not asleep.\"

Closing his eyes, Remus let go his breath, which he hadn\'t
even been aware that he\'d been holding, with a deep sigh.

\"I\'m truly sorry, Severus. If there was anything that I didn\'t
intend to do, it was wake you up.\" Unable to fight back the
bitter taste of failure in his mouth, Remus slipped the
Invisibility Cloak from his face and turned around to face his
friend in the chair by the fire, whose eyes were still closed, who
still gave the impression of being totally relaxed.

\"You haven\'t.\" For all the disappointment and anger at himself
raging inside, Remus couldn\'t help but notice his heart warming
up at the unexpectedly rich sound of the spy\'s voice that even
the sleepiness in his tones could not drown. \"I\'ve been awake
for quite some time. All the time, to be exact.\"

Slowly, gradually, the spy\'s eyes opened, searched for the
werewolf\'s glance and held it, while the corners of the
Slytherin\'s lips, usually tightly pressed together, started to lift
slightly, to form one of Severus\'s very rare smiles.

\"But I\'m afraid that any further attempts on my side to
successfully fight back sleep will be futile.\"

Remus felt the tense muscles of his face relax into a soft
smile of his own.

\"There\'s no need to fight back anything, Severus. I think
if there\'s something we found out during the last four months
it\'s that these rooms are absolutely adequate for two persons.
So please, feel free to stay...only if you want to, that is.\"

About to bite off his tongue after he had hastily added those
last words, the Gryffindor mentally closed his eyes, cursing
himself in all the tongues there were. Why in Merlin\'s name
was he not able to learn from the mistakes he had made in the
past? Why was it apparently impossible to *not* act on this
most impulsive intuition of his? There had definitely been
enough opportunities during this friendship that he and Severus
shared to show him what his rash actions could provoke. What
in the Slytherin\'s words, by the gentleness of all the unicorns
in the world, had given him the idea to simply assume that
Severus was so much as thinking about staying overnight?
Since when had he begun to project his own wishes onto the
other man who had most likely just intended to hint that it
was time for him to leave now and return to his own quarters?
What had he been thinking to risk that wonderfully peaceful
evening with another one of his thoughtless suggestions?

But to his surprise, all that he saw when he finally dared to look
at Severus again was the still smiling Slytherin who was just
about to close his eyes before he answered.

\"Can it truly be that you do not know how very much I had
hoped for exactly that offer, Remus? I really thought I\'d been
suggestive enough.\"

For some seconds, the Gryffindor was not able to think of
anything to say. Momentarily silenced by the wild explosion
of joy that had followed the Slytherin\'s statement, all that Remus
knew was that he must have been beaming by now, that he’d
better come up with *something* to say before his friend
finally fell asleep for good - and that something must have
changed. Something had happened. Right now. Right in front
of his face. Not able to name it, not even able to roughly
outline it, he only felt this new aspect, this new quality that had
just been added to their relationship leaping all over his heart
like a gleaming spark. The burning urge to walk over to the
other man, to hug him, to physically manifest the mental and
emotional connection Remus felt singing within every part of
his consciousness was stronger right now than it had ever been
before. Stronger than any wave of compassion for Severus\'s
suffering had ever been able to raise in him. And it was
growing, becoming more important with every single moment,
getting stronger until the fierce wish to touch the Slytherin
was all that seemed relevant anymore.

Never had it been more difficult to hold back.

With one violent toss of his head, Remus called himself to
order. A night of peace. A night of calmness. Disturbed by
nothing and no one. He himself had sworn to see to it. Forcing
his hands to put the Cloak back over his head and taking one
step back towards the door, the Gryffindor felt the powerful
emotional storm inside him calming down, until all that was
left was that brightly glng sng spark. Still racing all over his
heart.

\"Make yourself at home, Severus.\" Was it possible that even
his voice was coloured by, was vibrating with what had just
crept into his feelings for the other man a few moments ago?
\"I\'ll be back as soon as I\'ve informed Albus. I guess he\'d like
to be updated about your whereabouts.\"

All the Gryffindor was answered with was a low, barely audible
sigh.

When Remus returned only half an hour later, still in awe about
the Headmaster\'s infallible awareness concerning the events
inside Hogwarts, he found the spy still sitting in his armchair by
the fire, his face so very close to looking like the features of
those deeply and peacefully asleep. Incredibly soft. Incredibly
young. Almost untouched. Almost innocent.

Almost perfect.