Eye of the Beholder

Authors note:

 
Chapter 14. Acceptance
 
Snape just looked at her blankly. He did not understand. What the hell did she mean by that?
 
Sasha finally realized exactly where she was. She was sitting astride Snape's lap, and he had his arms around her. She was still clinging to his silk shirt, and so sht got go quickly. She moved her legs from off the couch, and sat up, consciencely distancing herself from Snape's arms. After her forced epiphany about how people really felt about her, she did not want Snape thinking she was some clingy child. She felt bad enough as it was.
 
Sensing her need for space, he let go of her. He stood, and walking over to the cabinet on the wall, he took out a crystal goblet and poured a finger of brandy. He brought it back to the couch and sat down offering it to her.
 
"Drink this," he said.
 
She accepted the goblet without question, and was about to take a sip when she realized what she was about to do. She looked into the glass, then back at Snape questioningly.
 
He realized her unanswered question. "Don't worry, it is just brandy. I didn't add anything to it," he said sarcastically. He had to smile to himself. Even at her worst, she was still questioning him.
 
She took a sip and winced at the burning sensation at the back of her throat. She placed the goblet on the table and sat back.
 
Snape turned to face her. He kept his arm along the back of the couch, and forced his finger to lay still, and not stroke her soft hair. "Start from the beginning," he said. "Don't leave anything out."
 
Sasha nodded, and began. She told him everything. From the moment Pansy cut in, to when she walked out into the courtyard to wait for him. She mentioned who was in the Ravenclaw common room, and of the spin the wand game. She told him verbatim of the hurtful comments Draco made, and of her panicked reaction to get out of there. She was honest when she said she was not too sure how she got to his potions lab, but that she realized, after truly understanding the truth of Draco's words, that she should not be there. She admitted she heard Snape call out to her to stop, but that she could not face him after what had happened that night.
 
Sasha looked up at Snape and blushed.
 
"I'm sorry, Professor Snape," she said, looking away in embarrassment. "For some reason I had it in my stupid head that, well, when we were dancing, that well... that it was nice. That you enjoyed it. That I enjoyed it. And that, well, maybe, that you didn't want it to end," she said these last words so softly, Snape was not sure he heard her correctly.
 
Before Snape could say a word, she continued.
 
"However, I realize, thanks to Draco, that I was wrong. For the past while I have been deluding myself. I have to admit that I am attracted to you," she looked down in embarrassment, but continued, "... but I also know that there is no way you could ever return my feelings. I never meant to impose them onto you, and I am sorry if it came across that way. I just hope it doesn't affect our relationship - as teacher and student, that is. If it is OK with you, I would still like to continue working on the potion. If you don't want to, well, I can understand why." She finished what she felt she had to say to Snape. She looked up at him, trying to gauge his reaction to her painfully honest words.
 
Snape was filled with mixed emotions, but he did not show it. He felt anger at Draco, his his hurtful words, and sadness that Sasha had to experience such blatant cruelty. As head of Slytherin House, he was all too aware of the calculated manipulations and outright viciousness that some of the less than desirable students were capable of.
 
However, beneath that all, Snape felt an underlying humbleness, as her realized how much courage it took her to tell him what she did. Snape just looked at her with his cold, obsidian eyes. He could feel his resolvom eom earlier on in the evening slipping away.
 
He now had a decision to make. To admit to his feelings for her, as she had just done with him, or to put them aside, and go on as he has been for the past decade or so. Alone, isolated, and miserable with his life. He did not know how Sasha would react if he told her about his past. Would she push him away in disgust? He had no idea.
 
Snape looked at her a moment longer. As much as he wanted to be with Sasha, to share her friendship and perhaps, eventually, love, he knew he could not. He was afraid he was just a passing fancy to her. He could not trust himself not to fall for her and crush his already fragile ego in the process. He had no idea how to let her down.
 
"Sasha, Draco was wrong when he said those things to you. Do you remember what I told you the first day we started the potions experiment? In my lab, in front of the mirror?" he asked quietly. She returned his steady gaze, and just nodded her head, slowly.
 
"I told you that in my eyes, you were beautiful. I meant it then, and I mean it now." He reached out and softly, with the tip of his finger, lightly traced the path of her scar again.
 
Snape could not believe he was saying this to her. It was so uncharacteristic of him and he was on shaky ground, as he had no experience expressing his emotions. But he had to try to explain to her.
 
"Sasha. You have no idea how your words make me feel. I am flattered by your affections, and must admit, until tonight, at the dance, I had nea yea you felt that way. So often I have looked at you, watched you, and have seen the beauty within you. Tonight, I was lying when I said you looked lovely. You are more than that. You are beautiful, both inside and out. It is not that I don’t find you attractive. And I don’t shun you because you are one of my students. You are more mature, and somehow different. Not all giggles and games and foolishness."
 
"What I am saying is that you don’t know me. The real me. I won’t lie to you, Sasha. When I was your age I was just starting down a sick and twisted path, and made the unfortunate decision to align myself with the Dark Lord." He watched her face for any signs of disgust, but she just sat there listening, her face impassive.
 
"During my service to Him, I did many evil things which I deeply regret. My contribution to the Dark Cause was to create vile potions that aided in the torture and yes, death, of innocents. I did this wigly.gly. However, after a while, it went beyond that. I took part in the hunting of muggles for sport. I was even present whne one of the Death Eaters tried to attack a Muggles child, just so he could hear her screams of fear. I did not lift a finger in the girl’s defense."
 
"There are other things I am guilty of. I participated in Dark Revels. I drugged women to keep them from passing out during orgies, so the others could continue to indulge their sick perversions." And you came to enjoy that, didn’t you Snape you pervert. Admit it. You were excited by the pain and the screams. Even now, when you get frustrated, you think back to those hours in the basement of the Malfoy Manor, and you find release pretty quickly, don’t you old boy…
 
Snape narrowed his eyes, looking at her intensely, and willing her to despise him as much as he hated himself. "And you are telling me, that you are attracted to me?" he asked incredulity.
 
Sasha looked back at him, and for a moment she did not say a word. So the rumors were true. He was a Death Eater after all. Still. He had the means and opportunity to continue those actions, but instead, he is here, at Hogwarts, teaching. Something was not right, she thought. Something in him changed. She could sense it.
 
"But you are here now, at Hogwarts, are you not? And I don’t see any dead bodies sprawled on the floor. I somehow doubt Dumbledore would accept you onto the Hogwarts staff if you continued to follow the Dark Lord." She looked at Snape with defiance, daring him to contradict her.
 
Snape was surprised at her words. He forgot that her strongest talents were her intelligence and insight. She continued.
 
"I also realize that people make stupid mistakes when they are young, and get themselves in situations where they cannot get out. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to disassociate yourself from the Dark Lord. But the fact is, I did not know you back then. But I know you now, for who you are today. I don’t hold your past against you, just as you can’t hold me responsible for my scar."
 
Snape could not believe what she was saying. He shhis his head. He would try one more time. He reached out his hand and, tucking her hair behind her ear, he cupped her cheek.
 
"Sasha, you could never grow to love me." He said this simply, and sadly, as if it was a fact.
 
She looked back at him with clear resolve in her eyes. "Then please, give me a chance and let me make that decision for myself," she replied. She reached up her hand and placed it over his, removing it from her cheek. She turned it over, so his palm was facing her. She brought it up to her lips, and closing her eyes, kissed it softly.
 
Snape was shocked by her actions. For the first time, he truly realized that she was serious. She was willing to look past what he had done before his time at Hogwarts. She really did want him. Not as Professor Snape the Potions Master, but as Severus, the man. Snape felt his heart almost expand, and could no longer hold onto his facade of cruel indifference.
 
"Oh Sasha," he said. Slowly, so to give her time to move or change her mind, he leaned forward and brought his lips within an inch of hers. He stopped. It would be her decision to accept his kiss or not.
 
Looking directly into his eyes, she moved her head slowly forward, until her lips just met his. It was a chaste kiss, but enough to prove to him she was serious about how she felt. Snape pulled back and looked into her eyes again. It wasn’t her kiss, but the look of want and desire in her face that made him excited.
 
Snape leaned in and placing a hand behind her neck, he kissed her again, this time more deeply. He could feel her shaking, either in want or fear, he was unsure. He moved in again, and kissed her, feeling her inexperienced lips pressed tightly against his. He pulled back and looked at her.
 
Her eyes were closed, and he could see the pulse at her neck beating wildly. He felt the same desires as he did earlier. Power, at his ability to make her respond to his touch, and wonder at her ability to see beyond his cold façade and truly care for him. Him. Nobody has ever made him feel so wanted and needed as a man in his while life.
 
He kissed her again. He could feel her need through her kiss, but realized she lacked the experience to express what she wanted.
 
"What do you want, Sasha?" he asked through their kiss, his voice heavy with desire.
 
"You. Severus. I want you," she replied breathlessly, not knowing what exactly it was he was looking for. He thrilled at the sound of his name on her lips. She had never called him that before, and he loved the way it sounded, laced with her desires.
 
"Say it again. Sasha. My name. I want to hear you say it again," he demanded. He moved her head to the side and was kissing her k ank and neck. He took small, gentle bites along her sensitive neck, which was causing her to feel weak and electrified at the same time. His hands were in her hair, and taking a fistful, he gently tugged it back, revealing the soft creaminess of her chest. He softly flicked his tongue along her skin there, the smell and taste of her intoxicating his senses.
 
"Oh God, Severus. Severus!" she trailed off as her senses were overwhelmed by his touch.
 
Snape was becoming more excited and emboldened by her obedience, and moans of desire.
 
"Specifically, Sasha, tell me what do you want," he demanded again. More than anything else he wanted to please her at the moment.
 
She pulled away from his embrace and looked at him. Her eyes were glazed, and her wet lips were slightly parted. He groaned at the sight of her obvious desire for him, and he felt his loins straining against the fabric of his pants.
 
She looked at him and admitted shyly. "I’m not sure what it is I want. I have never really kissed anyone before," she said hesitantly. "I want something, but I am not sure what it is. I want to kiss you, and feel you kiss me back." She was having a hard time expressing her need to him.
 
Snape smiled. He reached over for the glass of brandy. He dipped his index finger in until it was coated in the fiery liquid, and brought it back to her lips. He smeared it on her lower lip, causing her tongue to jut out, licking off the brandy before it dripped down the sides of her mouth. Severus felt a pull in his groin at the sight of her wet, pink tongue, but continued. He took the opportunity of her open mouth to push his finger in a bit further, running it along the insides of her bottom lip. Her tongue came out to meet his finger, chasing it over her lips.
 
Sasha was getting excited at his intimate caresses. Her tongue still followed his finger, and he pulled it out, much to her dismay. He quickly dipped it in the brandy again, and aimed for her upper lip. She was getting the idea, and was teasing his finger with her tongue. She started dueling, her tongue against his finger. She was getting more and more excited, feeling the dampness between her legs spreading. She ached for something, but she was not too sure what. His finger felt so good in her mouth. She let out a low groan of desire.
 
Suddenly, she surprised Snape by taking his finger in her mouth and closing her lips around it. She started to suck. The gentle suction and in and out motion of her mouth was causing his control to be tested. He could not help but imagine it was not his finger, but his manhood she had in his mouth. A groan of desire escaped him, and he shuddered, involuntarily. His manhood was so full and hard it was almost painful. God it felt good to be able to touch someone, and be touched in return. He had to slow down, or risk forcing Sasha to do thing she was not ready for.
 
He pulled his finger out of her mouth, and stared at her, still breathing hard.
 
"Sasha. You have no idea how much control it takes not to take this any further. As much as I would like to, I think we she stop here and take a step back." Otherwise I will have to take you here and now and be damned with the consequences, he thought to himself.
 
Sasha looked up at him. She was struggling to get her desired under control. She nodded her head.
 
Snape took her into his arms again, and held her tight. She felt so good, so warm and soft. They held each other like that for the longest time before separating.
 
She looked at him, then creased her brows.
 
"So now what," she said.
 
Snape exhaled. Good question. Now what. It is not like they can ignore what just happened.
 
"Well, what do you want to do?" he asked.
 
She gazed up at him with the sin sincere look, and took his hands in hers.
 
"Do you really want to know?" she said quietly. Snape nodded his head.
 
"What I want is to stay here tonight, and fall asleep beside you," She said quietly. "I want you to be the last thing I see when I go to sleep, and be the first thing I see when I wake up. I want to feel your arms around me during the night. I want you to hold me if I have a nightmare, and tell me I will be OK. I want to wake you up in the morning with my kisses and keep you awake for a while longer," she said with a smile.
 
Snape just stared at her, emotionlessly. Amazing. He had never before heard anyone say anything like that to him before. He was greasy old Snape, not someone’s beloved. He did not deserve such emotions, he thought. Still, there was a slight glimmer of hope deep inside him that thought this might actually be true. Amazing.
 
Snape stood up, and without a word, reached out for her hand. He pulled her up, and still holding her hand, led her off to his private chamber.