Potions in the Moonlight

Remus sat in the great hall picking at his food. It had been three days since Severus had been taken to the hospital and he hadn't heard anything. He had practically sat outside the door wanting to see him but Dumbledore had insisted that he go eat something. Even after three days of not eating anything substantial he couldn't bring himself to.

"Remus?"

Remus didn't look up as James say down next to him. "You okay?"

Pushing his plate away, the younger boy stared blankly at the table. He felt sick again, it was like the two mouthfuls he managed were conspiring against him.

"Not really James."

It didn't sound like his voice. It was like a hollow impersonation of a voice; weak and unfulfilled.

"He'll be okay Remus. It's not your fault." James said. "It was his for showing up there. Especially since he knew you where there. What was he thinking honestly? I think he's an idiot. He got what he deserved."

"Shut up James!" Remus snapped. At any other time Remus would have felt guilty for jumping down his throat, but the only thing he had room for in his conflicted mind was Severus.

"Jeez Remus calm down. Like I said its not your fault!"

"But it IS! Of COURSE it's my fault!" Remus shoved himself to his feet, storming to the door. He ignored the people who stared at him for shouting in the Great Hall. "You don't understand anything James Potter!"

It was all Remus could do to not burst into tears again. He wanted so badly to be with Severus again, like they used to be.

James followed after Remus. "Look why don't we go out tonight." James said. "You, me and Padfoot. Get your mind off of it."

"No James... I don't want to go out, I don't want to do anything. I just want to be alone... I want this all to go away."

"I know you do. None of us wanted Snivellus to get hurt. But its just a scratch right? They'll be able to heal him up and hell be back to his normal obnoxious self in no time..."

Before James could consider what he might say next Remus's fist made solid contact with his best friend's jaw. The corridor was empty, nobody saw James hit the floor.

"Shut UP James! Don't you get what happened?! It wasn't just a scratch, it was a bite. You understand, a fucking BITE!"

James sat on the floor stunned. He didn't even touch his sore cheek. "You mean..."

"Yeah... that's exactly what I mean..." Remus felt himself crumple. He hated himself more than anything right now. "So please... forgive me if I don't feel particularly jovial right now."

"Remus he'll be ok. He'll just be more... Furry. I mean you turned out fine... Ish."

Blinking at his friend incredulously Remus couldn't believe it.

"I nearly died James. I spent a month in St Mungo's where I nearly died.... ... then the first time nearly killed me..." his hands trembled, his emotions dripping away again, to the familiar hollow shell. "If he dies... it's my fault. And if he lives, I've ruined his life anyway."

James stared at him not knowing what to say. "Don't worry Remus. Despite what happened it still wasn't your fault. The ministry can't blame you. And I'm sure Dumbledore will help you."

Remus turned away and walked back towards the Hospital Wing. He didn't want to talk to James any more... He didn't want to talk to anyone. All he wanted was for Severus to roll his eyes and tell him he was being stupid. Remus wanted that quiet, assured voice to tell him everything was going to be alright... But that wasn't going to happen.

"Mr Lupin?" came a quiet calm voice from behind him.

"What!?" he snapped, not even bothering to turn around.

Dumbledore didn't even flinch at the boys tone. "You may come see Mr Snape now if you would like."

Remus had been waiting to hear those words for three days. He sprang back down the corridor to catch up with the Headmaster. He hadn't felt this animated since, that night...

"How is he? Is he worse? Is there any news, any changes... anything?"

"Se is still ill. And we can't make any promises. But he is stable enough for you to go see him." Dumbledore said. "I must warn you though, he has not woken yet."

Slamming open the doors, Remus raced across the tiled floors to where Severus lay very still and pale on the sterile hospital bed.

Severus' breath came in long hard pants but other than that he looked like he was in a deep sleep. His skin was overly pale and he had a thin layer of sweat coating his body.

Remus grasped his hand with desperation, his eyes filling with tears. Severus looked so pale and ill. the ugly cut at his throat stood out prominently against his dead looking skin. Allowing himself the emotions he had held back for so long, he buried his face against his lover's chest and cried.

"I'm so sorry." Remus whispered. "I never should have let you come with me. This is all my fault."

He wanted to be sick. His meager lunch was already disagreeing with him. he didn't think he could ever eat again. Maybe somehow he had convinced himself that if he didn't eat, Severus would come back to him. Maybe if he never spoke to his friends again, went home a more often, got straight 'Outstandings' in his NEWTs... maybe if he had told Severus he loved him a little more...

"Severus? Can you hear me?" He asked holding his hand in his, his tears streaming down his face onto the sheet.

His hands were so cold... it was like he was dead already. Turning to see Madame Pomfrey standing in the doorway to her office, Remus wanted to turn on her, blame her for not being able to wake him up... but he couldn't. She had done so much for him... if anyone could help Severus it was her...

"Why won't he wake up? I wasn't unconscious for this long when I was... bitten." Madame Pomfrey stepped forwards with a bowl of water.

"We don't know for sure yet. But unlike your body, when you where bitten, his is trying to fight the infection." She said. "And all though he is stable, he is loosing his strength rapidly."

Remus' hands trembled as he stroked Severus's hair and face... he trusted Madame Pomfrey as much as anyone else in this school. She was no nonsense and protective of him, like a favourite aunt.

"Am I going to be expelled..." he whispered. It the first time it had really crossed his mind since this began, but it suddenly dawned on him what a serious position this put him in. And Professor Dumbledore.

"No Remus... you won't." She said. She knew he wouldn't be expelled, if anything it would be something much... much worse. But she didn't want to tell him that. Not now.

He blinked, not wanting to cry again. Severus's hand was still clasped in his and he looked down sadly at the boy he loved.

"Are his parents going to see him?" Remus's voice was like a whisper now. He didn't want Madam Pomfrey to leave him alone in this room. That would be too much to handle.

"They were informed as soon as it had happened." She said but didn't continue from there.

Remus swallowed a lump in his throat. "He has seven brothers and sisters you know... maybe eight?"

Madam Pomfrey nodded. "Eight now... another boy. Born three days ago at two thirty seven am." She said. Remus shuttered. Near around the time Severus was...

Forcing a laugh that sounded painful, Remus turned his face away from Severus's.

"Ironic... no... you gain some, you lose some."

"We haven't lost him yet." Pomfrey said. "We're doing everything we can for him."

"And what if he does live?" Remus sounded bitter again. "He'll be like me... what kind of life is that?"

"One with a fine future." She said. "One night a month doesn't ruin someone's entire life. It just means their life will change. It's not destroyed completely."

"What would you know," he snarled, turning to glare at the school nurse, before softening and internally chastising him. "I'm sorry Poppy... I just..."

"It's alright." Poppy said. My cousin was bitten when he was fourteen. He works in a store in Diagon alley that sells books. It doesn't sound like much but he enjoys doing it."

Remus grimaced.

"It's nothing to do with that... " he sighed. He didn't want to have the same talk with her he'd had a million times over in his head. He didn't want to have his brain echo Severus's voice, 'It will be perfectly safe, you won't hurt me, I trust you... I trust you...'

"He trusted me." Remus said. He heard the door behind him open and looked back to see James standing in the door way. Madame Pomfrey looked back at James as well and left to go into her office.

Seeing one of his best friends stood watching him, Remus couldn't help but burst into tears. He looked away, back down at Severus, trying to hide his sadness from James.

James walked up to him and put his hand on Remus' shoulder. There was more to this than he knew and James was sure of that. But he couldn't figure out what.

"Remus?"

Dropping his boyfriend's hand and turning to clutch at James, Remus sobbed uncontrollably.

"Oh God James, it's all my fault. I should never have listened to him. He said it would be alright. He said I wouldn't hurt him. I do nothing but hurt him James and I try I try so hard..."

"Woe... Remus hold on." He said pulling him away a bit. "What happened down there?"

Blinking up at his best friend Remus couldn't bring himself to form the words he wanted to say. It all came out in a jumbled mass of self hatred and blame. Trying not to cry again he whispered,

"I love him, James..." He paused and shrugged not able to look at him. "I don't know how it happened but... it did. I told him that I would never hurt him and he trusted me so he came down to the Whomping Willow. Wanted proof that I wouldn't."

"And that's when you bit him?" James asked. Remus shook his head.

"No... I... we.... I didn't hurt him." He figured James wouldn't want to know what they really did when Severus came to the willow. "Not badly anyway. He came back the full moon after that too and we... well we..." Remus blushed. "He was fine though... he came back this past full moon and I guess we started playing about too much and I... I nipped at him."

He choked, replaying that awful moment in his head over and over.

"It was an ACCIDENT. I didn't attack him. I WOULDN'T! I care for him too much, and I've ruined him. If he lives, he'll never forgive me."

James stood still staring at his friend. His friend... loved... Snivellus? There had to be some mistake. There was no way one of his best friends. His best MALE friend... was in love with the greasy git. But... looking at Remus he could tell that he was telling the truth.

Remus couldn't read his best friend's expression. But it's didn't look positive. What had he expected. Maybe his Mother had taught him to expect too much. He turned away, ashamed of himself, fresh tears forming in his eyes.

James put his hand on Remus' shoulder again not knowing what to say. He stood there a few moments wanting to comfort his friend but... it was all so sudden and... he didn't know how to react.

"He'll be okay." James said before leaving the room.

Holding Severus's hand to his face, Remus cried himself out.

"I said they wouldn't understand Sev... It's so strange. They'll accept me being a werewolf... but you and me... It doesn't matter what happens... I'll still tell them. I'm not going to keep us a secret any more... Sorry if that bothers you."

He was rambling now. Maybe he was pretending that Severus was responding. For everything Remus said, Sev always had a snappy response. Right now he'd be telling him to stop crying a toughen up. But he just couldn't.

"Thank you." Remus opened his eyes at the soft, barely audible word and looked down at Severus. His eyes where slitted open, looking at him before they fluttered shut again.

"Severus?" He asked taking his hand again. He he imagined that? Or did Severus actually wake up for even just a moment? Had he heard what he had told James? "Sev can you hear me?"

Searching his lover's face desperately, for any sign of movement or recognition, Remus was fraught. He had to know.

"Sev... please. If you can hear me... let me know..." he sobbed. "Sev? I love you..."

Severus didn't move. Nor did he wake up again.

That was it. Remus was losing his mind. Did he want Severus back so desperately that he was making up events in his head. Maybe he had imagined this whole relationship from start to finish. Maybe Poppy was watching him right now wondering why he clung to an empty hospital bed. Is that why James looked at him so strangely...?

No.... The hand he held was real. His memories where real. He was not loosing his mind. He couldn't be. He loved him too much for his feelings to be fake. "Please Severus... please wake up."

He had nothing more he could say, nothing he could do but cling to him and beg. Remus wished he could stop crying. He wished he still had his friends... He just wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

Remus rested his head on his arms on the edge of the hospital bed and closed his eyes.

---

"Remus?" Remus jumped and looked up. The hospital bed in front of him was empty. He turned and stared wide eyed at what he saw. Severus stood behind him looking down at him.

"Severus?" Remus asked standing from his chair. "Severus?" Remus was in shock as he stepped towards him.

Severus backed away from him. "What gives you the right to call me that?" He asked. "It's Snape to you." Remus frowned.

"But... Sev I..." Severus shook his head.

"I don't love you anymore Remus." Severus said. "I trusted you. I trusted you not to hurt me like every one else has. You where right though.... you didn't hurt me like everyone else has." He paused and looked over to the other side of the room. "You killed me." Remus looked over to where Severus was looking and saw a thin teenager laying in one of the beds. He looked back to Severus and saw that he was gone.

Confused he moved over to the bed. The teen in the bed was Severus. He looked around and saw that everything around him was black and white, like a bad horror movie. He looked down at Severus, his skin perfect and pale even despite the lack of colour. The black haired teen looked at him and reached out to him weakly.

"Why?" He whispered before he tensed in pain. The bite mark formed on his jaw where Remus had bitten him. He hadn't even realized it wasn't there previously. It bled harshly flowing red, the only colour in the dismal hospital room, running down Severus' neck onto his chest, down onto the bed and onto the floor. Remus backed away as the blood flowed towards his feet.

He shook his head.

"No.... no I'm sorry! I... it was an accident." Remus cried.

"Keep telling yourself that." Remus looked up to see Severus once again standing in the middle of the room. Thinking that the blood flow would stop now, it didn't.

The blood quickly started to fill the room, reaching his knees, his hips. Higher and higher until it reached up past his nose. He tried swimming up to the surface so that he could breath but the liquid was so thick it was hard to keep himself up.

"Look at what you've done." He could barely see Severus now as he tried reaching out to him for help. Severus shook his head and smiled at him.

"I'M SORRY!"

...

"I'M SORRY!" Remus jumped awake and looked around the room, his breath coming in sharp pants as if he had been holding his breath. Or drowning...

He looked down at Severus who was laying still on the bed, his hand still clenched in Remus' hand.

He trembled, wiping the tears from his face. His spine ached from being bent so awkwardly. As far as he could tell Severus had not moved an inch. There was no change to his face as Remus stroked his hair.

Remus took a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry..." He whispered. "Please forgive me."

----------

"You're kidding." Sirius said staring at James. "Remus and Snivellus?"

"I know. Don't."

Sirius stared at his plate, shell shocked. "I don't believe it."

"Neither did I." James said. "I thought he was bluffing when he told me but the look on his face... in his eyes." He said sitting down across from Sirius and staring at an empty plate. "Why didn't he tell us sooner? I mean I knew something was up ever since the holidays when we came back but... Why this?"

Cracking his knuckles awkwardly, Sirius glanced around the emptying great hall.

"I guess I can understand it...... I mean....... God!"

"Yeah I know what you mean. I mean it's Snivellus!" James said pulling a bit of food onto his plate. James still had a hard time believing it and he had heard it straight from Remus.

"Did Snape look like he was gonna die? You know...properly? The scratch didn't look that bad..."

James shrugged. "It wasn't bad.... but it wasn't a scratch. It was a bite. He looked pretty bad." James said with a slight nod.

"Jeez..." Running his hands through his hair, Sirius frowned. "We should have been there..."

"How could we have?" James asked. "We had detention and then where watched practically all night. We couldn't have left."

"I mean this whole time. We shouldn't have left him alone so much... he needed us, and he went off with... that."

"Sirius!" James said shocked. "Remus is hurt right now. He needs our support. I mean I'm not happy with the situation either.... but Remus really needs us."

There was a pause. Sirius checked his watch.

"We should go and see him..."

"He's probably still in the hospital wing with Sni-.... Snape..." James said watching as Sirius stood.

Shoving his hands into his pocket, Sirius slouched into the corridor. The hospital wing wasn't far. James hopped out of his seat and ran after him. He didn't think that Sirius would actually go to Remus now while he was with Snape. He figured he would have waited.

"Sirius you better not cause a scene!" He said catching up with his friend.

"Honestly. James, just hang back. I want to speak to him. I'm not going to cause a scene. I'm not a totally insensitive asshole. If you've been to see him, I'll look like a complete monster if I don't."

James paused and watched as Sirius made his way down the hall. "Sure..." James said before going back to the great hall to finish what ever was on his plate.

Pushing his way into the empty Hospital Wing, Sirius stopped and spied his friend slumped over Severus's bed. He sighed, he had never seen Remus so deflated.

Remus was once again asleep against the bed. He muttered in his sleep and Sirius couldn't tell what he was saying until he got closer.

"I'm sorry..." Remus muttered in his sleep over and over like a mantra.

Madame Pomfrey spotted him from her office, but didn't not move to throw him out. She thought Remus needed a friend right now. Sirius crossed the room and stood awkwardly beside his friend's chair. He cracked his knuckles and rested a tentative hand on Remus's shoulder.

Remus jumped in shock and fell of his chair. Sitting on the floor he stared blurrily up at Sirius not recognizing him.

Sirius knelt down, his hand still resting on his friend's shoulder.

"Remus?"

"Sirius? What are you doing here?" He asked.

Trying to affect his usual, lopsided grin, Sirius shook him gently. "Because I was worried about you... I'm allowed to worry right?"

"I'm fine." He said standing up and sitting back in his chair. "It's Sev that's in danger. Not me."

"I'm not talking about danger Remus... it's you. You look terrible. You need to get some proper sleep. I've never seen you this drained."

"I'm fine." Remus said looking back at Severus. "I've been sleeping here."

Sirius arched his eyebrow. "'Fine' is the last word I would use to describe you Remus."

"Look I just want to make sure he's okay!" Remus said angrily. He looked back at Severus. When he next spoke he sounded almost.... broken. "I want to be here if anything happens."

"If anything happens what do you think you can do? Especially like this... " Sirius wasn't accusing him, he hadn't even looked at Severus since he knelt down, his only concern was Remus and his mental health. "You need rest in order to function properly... and I don't just mean sleep."

"I've been eating." Remus lied. In truth he hadn't eaten anything substantial since he had bitten Severus. Sirius looked at the bed that was a few feet away from Snape's bed. It was empty as where all the others in the room.

Sirius looked gravely at him, turning him in the chair to look him in the eyes.

"Remus, I'm serious. I know this is hurting you. But..." he glanced down at Severus's prone figure. "... do you think he wants you to make yourself ill?"

"I'm not making myself ill!" Remus said. "I just want to be here for him. This is my fault and I want to do what ever I can to.... help him. Even if he doesn't forgive me if.... when.... he wakes up."

"Remus look at him! What can you do for him by being here?! You are ill. You're wasting away, you're practically shaking!"

"I'M SHAKING 'CAUSE I'M AFRAID SIRIUS!" Remus yelled at him.

Immune to his yelling, Sirius watched him steadily, waiting for his frustration and rage to burn out. There was no one more patient with Remus's occasional mood swings.

"You finished?"

Remus turned back to Severus and started crying again. "I don't know what to do Sirius. I don't..."

Before he could talk himself into another frenzy, Sirius pulled his distraught friend against him, letting him cry it out.

"You don't have to do anything, Remus... Don't try and force solutions that you can't give."

"I have to do something! I caused this I have to do something to help him! I don't want him to die!" He cried. "I don't care if I get taken away by DRCMC."

Sirius pulled him away and shook him again, speaking authoritatively.

"Remus, he's not going to die. Right? Its just not going to happen. You didn't die, and nor is he."

Remus batted his hands away. "It's not the same!" He was sick of explaining this. "His body is reacting differently than mine did. It's fighting the infection. Even Poppy says that he's losing."

"Well she can fuck off can't she." Sirius glared at his friend. "Because if he dies and leaves you to be depressed forever, then he's a bigger wanker than I thought!"

Remus gave him a dirty look and sat back down in his chair.

Sirius folded his arms and stood over Severus.

"I hate the guy Remus. Not going to pretend I don't. But you like him. And you say he likes you too... and if he dies, you'll blame yourself forever. And to me, that'll be his fault. So he's not going to die, because he knows I'd fucking kill him."

"How are you planning on killing me Sirius?" Remus looked at Severus shocked. "If I'm already dead?" Severus' voice was very weak, barely audible but he was no doubt awake.

Remus rushed back to his side as Sirius growled at the boy who until recently he had hated more than anyone else.

"I'll find a way, Snape. And it will not be pleasant. So you'd better toughen up and stay alive, because if you keep making Remus cry I might have to kill you just for fun."

Severus smirked but flinched as the movement caused the bite marks to move and cause him pain. "Believe me... I'm doing my best..." He sounded exhausted.

Sirius nodded. He understood. He wouldn't try to fathom the actual relationship between this boy and his best friend. But he understood that so long as he didn't give up, Remus might be happy again.

Remus held Severus' hand. "How are you feeling?" Remus asked, tears in his eyes.

"Horrible..." He said. "What happened?"

Trying not to choke on his words, Remus whispered.

"I.... I bit you.... I said I would!" A tear spilled out down his cheek. "You said it would be ok, you said I wouldn't hurt you, and I've done it again..."

"Oh..." He said. He didn't seem to understand the extremity of the situation. He was too tired and sick to understand. "It's okay." He said not understanding why Remus was crying. "I'll be okay."

Remus kissed him softly, not caring that Sirius was stood a few feet away trying not to look at them.

"Please let it be ok, Severus."

Sirius cringed and looked away seeing them out of the corner of his eye. Severus lightly kissed Remus back. He didn't say anything but Remus could tell he was falling back to sleep. He was exhausted still.

Remus let his lover sink back into unconsciousness, still stroking his face with all the tenderness he could muster. When he knew Severus was gone again, he slumped back into his chair, trembling.

"I can't do this Sirius."

Sirius sighed and lead Remus to a nearby bed. "Here... Lay down... I'm going to bring you some food and I want you to get some sleep." He said. "You'll feel much better after and you'll be able to think more clearly after. I promise. Just get... some sleep, ok?"

Smiling weakly, his head pounding from fatigue and weeping, Remus slumped onto the bed.

"Thank you Sirius... thanks."

"I'll have some food brought up for you. Just rest alright?" Remus nodded and looked over at Severus. He felt so far away but he did need his rest.

He found that he couldn't resist Sirius's voice any longer. His eyelids felt suddenly heavier than they had been before. He yawned and curled up against the rough pillow. Severus would be here when he woke up, Remus told himself, trying to channel his friend's confidence. Severus wouldn't leave him.

((Yayz more up and more to come

Pasha: ((Sigh)) I love Sirius
Schiff: .... ugh
Pasha: What?
Schiff: He's an ass hole!
pasha: You just don't like him cause you like Snape!
Schiff: Yeah! He picked on my Snivellus!
Pasha: Even you call him Snivellus!
Schiff: Yeah but I says it all cute like!
Pasha: I'm sure he'd appreciate that!
Schiff: I'm sure he will! I'll go ask him later he's chained to my bed
Pasha: Oh so that's where he went off too....

Anyway PLEASE REVIEW!!!! Please please with a cherry on top?))