Proof of Life

The Weight of the World



Something changed between them that day, Harry knew that, but he didn\'t know exactly what it was – except that Severus appeared to become increasingly attached to him, following Harry with doglike devotion, never letting him out of his sight for more than a few minutes at a time while he was awake.



Severus was still feeding on the nutritional supplements and restorative potions, and that was going quite well, as far as Harry could tell.



However, for the most part, Severus just slept.



The Black Estate sold quickly, bringing in more income than Harry had anticipated. St. Mungo\'s bill was paid off, with plenty of money to spare. Harry knew he needed to sit down and figure out his finances, but he decided that it could wait until later.



Ron and Hermione firecalled twice a day, and Marietta dropped by once. She examined Severus, who, appearing to be ill at ease interacting with two people at the same time, requested permission to leave as soon as she was done with him.



“How\'s it going?” Marietta asked when Severus had departed.



“We had a misunderstanding,” Harry said ruefully, and made full confession. He fully expected her to yell at him, or at the very least say something scathing, but she simply listened without any recrimination as far as Harry could tell.



“It\'s understandable that he\'d be attempting to resort to old behaviors that have a sense of security attached to them. You declined the sexual favours of course,” she said, looking at him pointedly.



“Yes, but then I kissed him,” Harry confessed, longing for absolution.



“To reassure him?” she guessed.



“Something like that,” Harry said.



She sighed tiredly. “Ironically, it\'d make things much easier in the short term, if you had accepted his offer. He\'d likely take comfort in the knowledge that he can do something to prove his worth to you. That\'s what survivors of sexual abuse often do – exchange their physical integrity for love, safety and comfort. With that in mind, I imagine your kiss worked very well.”



Harry groaned quietly. “You\'ve made your point. I\'m sorry. I won\'t kiss him again.”



“Well, while it is not advisable for therapists to be kissing their clients, I doubt you\'ve done any irreparable harm. I suppose you are doing a half-decent job,” she said dryly. “Don\'t screw this up.”



Barbs and reluctant encouragement delivered, she departed quickly and Harry shook his head, wondering why he had begun liking her so much. Maybe because she reminded him of Snape the way he used to be years ago.



Throughout all this time, Harry stubbornly ignored the firecalls and owls from work. He felt terrible for doing so, of course, as he had a distinct feeling he had no right to take any time off while the entire wizarding world was in crisis. Still, he persisted in his refusal to deal with work, as he was certain that had he answered any summons, he\'d be forced to return too soon, leaving Severus to fend for himself.



He tried hard not to think too much about Ginny, or Lily. As much as he wanted to simply show up at the Burrow uninvited and pick a fight with Ginny, Harry followed Ron\'s advice, and gave her plenty of space, deciding that she could contact him when she was ready. If there was a chance of him and Ginny working things out peacefully, without fighting over Lily, he wasn\'t going to blow it.



It wasn\'t until an entire week had passed that Ginny finally dropped by.



Harry opened the door, and she looked around. Her gaze paused on Severus, who was asleep on the couch near the fireplace, wrapped in a quilted blanket.



“Hey, Harry,” she said. “May I?”



“Hi,” Harry whispered. “Just be quiet, please. He\'s asleep. Come in.”



She walked in hesitantly, as if uncertain of what the protocol was for entering her own house under circumstances like that. It was awkward as hell, Harry thought, and reached out to embrace her. She hugged him back furiously and kissed him on the cheek, and they held on to each other for a few minutes.



“I\'m sorry, Ginny,” Harry said finally. “I really made a mess of things.”



He led her upstairs and they entered their bedroom, sitting down on the bed, facing each other. Harry cast a silencing charm around them, and said almost seriously, “Now you can yell at me all you like.”



Ginny shook her head miserably. “I don\'t want to yell at you at all.”



“Oh... well, you don\'t have to,” he said smiling. “How have you been?”



“Terrible,” Ginny admitted reluctantly. “I don\'t think I\'ve ever cried so much. And Lily misses you something fierce.”



“I miss her too,” Harry said. “I miss both of you.” A long silence ensued. Eventually Harry breached it with a hesitant question, “Ginny... did you really mean it about the divorce?”



“I meant it when I said it,” she said softly, “but whenever I tried signing the papers, I couldn\'t bring myself to do it.”



“I can relate to that,” Harry said with a sigh of relief. “Ginny, I don\'t want to lose you.”



She did not answer him, and Harry wondered if he\'d said too much, added too much to the already fragile situation.



“I think we\'ve lost each other already, Harry. We\'ve drifted apart, and things haven\'t been the same for the last three years. But I still don\'t want to cut ties with you.”



“I don\'t want to cut ties with you either,” Harry said quickly. “Ginny... I really do love you.”



She seemed surprised to hear that. “You do?”



“Of course I do,” Harry said. “Just because I\'ve been a moody, self-absorbed prat for the last three years, doesn\'t mean that I don\'t care.” She laughed a little at his words and Harry looked at her hopefully. “Do you want to come back? ”



Ginny tensed slightly and responded with a negative shake of her head, “I don\'t think it\'d be very wise right now.”



Her voice was gentle and non-argumentative but it still stung terribly to hear that.



“We could make it work again,” Harry insisted stubbornly. “We were good together once, weren\'t we?”



“Once,” she agreed, “but that was more than three years ago. Ever since Diggory took over, and you\'ve allowed your work to eat you up, things became different.”



“I can quit,” Harry said quickly. “Honestly, Ginny! I\'ll quit that fucking job tomorrow and do something else. I\'ll do better by you. Just... let\'s have a normal life.”



“Normal life?” she asked dubiously. “Harry, I can\'t help but notice that you hadn\'t slept in your own bed for at least a few days.”



Harry blushed a little, feeling like he\'d been caught cheating. “It\'s not what you think!” he protested quickly.



“I think you\'re afraid he\'s going to try and kill himself.”



Harry nodded, surprised and relieved by her insight. “Something like that, yes.”



“Well, how do you picture normalcy at this point?” Ginny asked reasonably. “Shall all three of us sleep together in one big pile?”



Harry laughed out loud in spite of himself. “Would it be so bad?”



To his delight Ginny smiled as well, if only slightly. “I\'m trying to be serious, Harry.”



“I know,” Harry conceded, “and I\'m not trying to minimize the complexity of caring for a trauma victim in our home, but ... it can be worked out. And the bottom line is, this isn\'t a permanent arrangement. Right now, he is confused and disoriented, but it won\'t last. Eventually, we\'ll clear his name, he\'ll recover from his trauma, start loathing me again, move to Spinner\'s End, and things will go back to normal.”



“I\'m not sure he\'ll ever loathe you again,” Ginny said thoughtfully. “He looked very content from what I could see.”



Harry snorted under his breath. “Trust me. A few months from now, he\'ll be screaming at me and trying to hex my ears off.”



“Well, I really hope he goes back to normal, whatever that means for him,” Ginny said hesitantly. “And for what it\'s worth, I\'m sorry I yelled at you about bringing him here.”



Harry stared at her dubiously. “Really?”



“Yes, really,” Ginny said with obvious reluctance.



“Oh,” Harry muttered. “Well, that\'s.... thank you. I\'m surprised to hear you say that, though,” he admitted, not trying to start an argument, but wanting honesty.



Thankfully, Ginny did not take offense at his statement. “Why are you surprised?” she asked instead.



“All the usual reasons,” Harry said tiredly. “He\'s a Slytherin, a mean-spirited bastard, and all that.”



She nodded, appearing to be deep in though. “I won\'t lie, I don\'t think I\'ll ever like him,” Ginny said with her usual ruthless honesty, “but I\'d be pretty stupid not to acknowledge a life-debt.”



“You don\'t owe him anything,” Harry argued. “It was my neck he\'d been saving all those years, not yours.”



“And if not for him, I might not have had you, or my daughter,” Ginny said. “That... matters.”



“Well if it matters to you, then come back home,” Harry all but begged. “You and Lily both. I know it\'s really messy and weird, but we\'ll figure it out.”



Ginny frowned slightly. “Life debts and obligations aside, I don\'t think it\'s good to have Lily in the same household with him at this point,” she said bluntly.



“He wouldn\'t harm her!” Harry protested indignantly.



“I\'m not saying he\'s a bad person, or a predator,” Ginny said patiently, “but I am betting he\'s mentally and emotionally unstable due to his trauma. And surely you haven\'t forgotten how horrible he can be where children are concerned.”



Harry nodded reluctantly. “I guess you\'re right. Well... what do you want to do then?”



“I\'m staying with mum and dad for the next couple of weeks. You should come and visit. Visit every day if you like.”



“I\'d like that for now,” Harry said. “But... afterwards?”



“Afterwards,” Ginny said calmly, “once Snape is healthy enough, maybe she could come and visit you. Eventually, she could spend the weekends with you.”



“Eventually, I\'ll want more than just the weekends,” Harry felt the need to point out.



“In that case, eventually, I suppose we\'ll have to fight over her,” Ginny said with a strained smile. “Just not today.”



Harry nodded. “All right then.”



“We\'ll take it day by day, week by week,” Ginny said, now speaking with her normal confidence. “Let\'s not stress too much over whether we are still husband and wife, or... whatever. We\'ll focus on being a family, and just try to be better friends, and the rest will work itself out.”



That sounded a little too sensible coming from Ginny, but Harry knew better than to say it like that.



“You sound like you\'ve been talking to Hermione,” Harry said instead.



“My dad actually,” Ginny said with a wry grin. “He\'s been great. Very reasonable. Hermione\'s been a total bitch to me the entire week.”



“How so?”



“Oh you know her. Kept lecturing me on slave-bonds, post-traumatic stress disorder and life debts. I was near ready to kill her, I swear,” Ginny added, not bothering to hide her irritation.



“What stopped you?” Harry asked, laughing out loud in spite of himself.



“I wasn\'t too sure I could dispose of the body fast enough,” Ginny said with a smirk.



“I don\'t believe you,” Harry smirked in turn. “You could dispose of a thousand bodies if you put your mind to it. I think you\'re getting sentimental in your old age.”



“Shush,” she said solemnly, but her bright eyes twinkled mischievously. “I\'ll never be as old as you.”



“Given how ancient I\'ve been feeling lately, I don\'t think it\'s that great a benchmark,” Harry said wryly.



Ginny bit her lip, staring at him with concern, and reached to brush his hair from his forehead. For a second, her fingers lingered on Harry\'s scar.



“You have, haven\'t you,” she murmured gently. “Been feeling old, that is?”



“Yeah,” Harry said with forced lightheartedness. “I totally feel like those grumpy old blokes, complaining about the weight of the world on their shoulders and all.”



“That\'s too bad,” she whispered.



“You have no idea what I\'m talking about, do you?” Harry asked, grinning.



She grinned back at him. “No, not really.”



“You still feel and act like you\'re seventeen,” Harry said wistfully. “I\'ve never met anyone so... passionate about life. I wish you could make me feel the same way about life you do.”



“Me too,” she agreed, looking at him seriously.



“Then do it,” Harry said, reaching for her and pulling her into his arms. His hands roamed her back, and brushed against her hair. “Come back. Come back and stay with me.” He was almost begging again at this point, but he didn\'t even care.



She tensed in his arms slightly, but enough for him to notice. “I don\'t think that\'ll help.”



He released her abruptly. “I know,” he said. “I\'ll miss you.”



“No, you won\'t,” she said with a smile so perfectly cheerful that it had to be faked. “I\'ll be around.”



When she left, Harry fell on the bed face down and buried his head under the pillow. He should have been relieved at the fact that they weren\'t fighting about Lily, that they were still friends... but somehow, after this visit of hers, Harry felt that he\'d lost something else. He wasn\'t sure what exactly it was that he\'d lost this time - he only knew that it hurt.



To Be Continued...