For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity
Chapter 13


He had been listening for four days and nights now. Had
desperately waited for any advice, had prayed and
begged to be shown a way out of this painful mess,
for anything that could have told him how to go on from
here. But ever since his last disastrous meeting with eruserus, the wolf inside him had remained completely,
unnervingly silent for once. After he had gotten Remus
into this in the first place, the capricious creature had
left him alone, alone to deal with his turbulent
emotions and the ruins of what had become something
more important to him than the Gryffindor would eve
have thought possible.

How he had hated the beast for that!

It had not been easy afterwards.Each night since he had
fled Severus\'s quarters had been a
sleepless one for Remus. Struggling with violated feelings,
gnawing guilenuienuine sadness and burning rage, directed
as much at the Slytherin as at himself, he had undergone
almost a week of insomnia which had been interrupted
by only half an hour of restless sleep every now and then.
Painfully short fragments of useless slumber that left him
feeling even more exhausted as soon as he startled out
of them, usually shaken awake by another
unpleasant memory of that most unfortunate evening in
the Slytherin\'s rooms.

With mocking clarity, his mind had repeated the
scene before Remus\'s inner eye over and over again, had
recalled the enthusiasm of his voice and the
eagerness in those sentences he never should have spoken,
had made him listen to the cold and cutting dagger of
Severus\'s fierce answer, those poisoned, corrosive words
he wished he never had heard. The tormenting memory
had become his cont cot companion, those minutes that had
brutally, suddenly ripped open the abyss between him and
the spy once again, the gaping depth that had always
divided them and apparently stild, nd, no matter how
carefully, how desperately they had tried and struggled
to bridge the rift over the past months. All it had
taken were a few moments to rip everything that had grown
between them to pathetic pieces. That evening, they had
lost their hopeless fight ast tst the inconsistency
their fragile relationship represented. And this
was what hurt the most, what tore at his heart and soul
with accusing, painful persistence. They had failed. Had
surrendered to their past in the end. Both of
them.

Or so the werewolf had thought. Until very late yesterday
evening, when his sleepless musings in the arm chair in
front of his fireplace had been interrupted by the last sound
he had ever expected to hear again. Severus\'s owl, softly
begging for entrance at his window, bearing a short message,
a few words of bliss and pain. Words that told him that the
Slytherin had left for another encounter with his dark fate -
but words that also meant a hand, a hand that had reluctantly,
shyly been extended across the black abyss dividing them now,
across the painfully screaming silence that had fallen, a hand
that had ignored pride and self-righteous to to lay a first
foundation, to forge another shaky link over the yawning
depth between Gryffindor and Slytherin.

Remus found himself under the invisibility cloak and
on his hurried way down to the Whomping Willow only a few
minutes later. He hadn\'t know yet what he would make of
this unexpected offer of peace, he had no idea what his
reaction to seeing Severus again would be, and he
hadn\'t even thought of working out anything to say, any
arguments, reproaches or even a welcome. As soon as he
reached the Shack, he sank down onto the chair he always
sat in when waiting for the spy\'s return; and after a very
short while, now that he was once more filled with the
calmness and certainty he had so bitterly missed for almost
an entire week, the Gryffindor found the sleep he had been
waiting for in vain for the past four days. Not knowing
where the sudden soothing certainty returned from after
all that had happened, and against his better judgement,
Remus entrusted all that was to come to the guidance of
the insistent, urgent whisper inside him.

To the wolf that had finally started speaking again.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


The hot wave of gratitude that almost violently
washed over him at the sight of the sleeping werewolf
slowly ebbed away, allowing the Slytherin\'s rationality
to gradually take control again. He had already begu
t
think about how to wake Remus, about the right words
after what had happened, when Severus realized that along
with his brains, something else had returned as well,
almost unnoticed in its beginnings, but claiming more and
mof hif his attention now. Something that sent icy
shudders down his body and made cold sweat flood his
skin, stinging like acid where the Dark Lord\'s nails had
ripped open his flesh. Something that drove his muscles
into twitching spasms, that made his mind scream and his
head ring with the wild, urgent need to run. To run as
fast and as far as he could. To run now. To escape the
threatening presence of that being at the table across the
room.

Taking two deep, shuddering breaths, Severus desperately
struggled to calm down - and totally failed to do so. With
an agonized moan, the spy closed his eyes, feeling the too
familiar frustration creeping up inside again. By now, he
knew from experience that his reaction of aversion to others’
physical proximity was much more distinct and severe
shortly after he had been used by Voldemort, and therefore
his returns to the Shack had always been difficult since Remus
began waiting there for him. Still, the panic that attacked him
now seemed to be different somehow, felt more intense, went
deeper. Not knowing the reason for this, and not able to waste
even the least amount of energy pondering on it, the
Slytherin merely noticed his fingernails digging fiercely into
the palms of the fists handhands were clenched into, while he
silently, hopelessly fought the ritual\'s effects.

A sudden sound from the table in the corner made his head
snap up, ripped his eyes open. Watching from inside the
tight swirl of the physical effects his panic kept him caught
in, the scene before him seemed to be hidden behind
a transparent, shimmering curtain that made the image of
Lupin dance and swim in front of Severus\'s eyes. Not
able to look away from the slim figure that slowly rose from
the chair it had sat in, the spy felt an overwhelmingly strong
dizziness suddenly come upon him.

Reaching out for a steady, solid point in all the twisting
chaos within and without, Severus let his gaze drill
deeply into that of the werewolf, sank a visual anchor in
those eyes to keep himself from collapsing while he took
a few careful, swaying steps towards the wall behind
him where his sweaty fingers searched for something to
hold onto for support. Nestling into the stones at his back,
he felt his resistance to the burning urge to flee growing
rapidly weaker with each passing moment. With another
surge of panic he realized how his hands had started to
shake violently, how a searing, slowly contracting ring of
liquid fire had formed around his chest, how breathing
had become very difficult. Fiercely struggling to gather
enough energy to speak, the spy desperately croaked the
s to to loose his mask’s magical fastenings, before he was
finally able to violently rip it off his face with both hands...

\"Do you want me to leave, Severus?\"

The words cut into his over-sensitive perception like
pieces of broken glass. Though he had seen Lupin\'s
lips moving, it took a while before the Slytherin was able
to make the connection between sound and vision, not to
mention grasping the sense of what he heard. Only when
the werewolf spoke again, more urgently this time and
with genuine concern coloring his voice, did the spy
understand.

\"Severus, shall I leave?\"

in, in, he was tempted! It would be a blessing...the mere
thought of how all this torture would vanish, wolet let
go of him...the image of Lupin leaving the room,
walking through that door, the promise of the relief and
peace this would bring...He felt the \"Yes!\" dancing on his
tongue, pressing against his lips from the inside of his
mouth with pleading insistence, and he was so close to
giving in. So very close. Had it beenbeen for pure, fierce
determination and will-power, he would have surrendered at
that moment.

But Lupin had been able to disregard the emotional pain he,
Severus, must have caused him that evening four days ago. had had been able to forgive as far as had been necessary
to allow the werewolf to spend another night in the Shack,
waiting for the spy. The Gryffindor had been generous
enough to accept the Slytherin\'s unusual offer of
reconciliation...Severus didn\'t dare to start thinking a
t
the extent of the value Remus must attach to their strange
friendship, about how important *he* seemed to be to Lupin
to make the werewolf put his own hurt emotions and pride
aside.

With a rattling breath, Severus forced some air into his
struggling lungs and steeled himself one last time to fight
the effects of the ritual which were so much worse than
usual tonight. All the other times, the longer ago his
encounter with the Dark Lord had been, the stronger he had
become, the better he had been able to endure the presence
of another body. There was no reason why that should be
different tonight. All he had to do was wait, be patient,
give it time. He simply *had* to withstand the urge to flee.

He would *not* disdain either n\'sn\'s choice or the
reasons that had led the werewolf to be there for him one
more time by telling the Gryffindor to leave.

No way.

But Remus had to speak, to utter a single word that vibrated
with fear, before the spy was able to summon enough energy
to let the other man know that.

\"Severus?!\"

His head seemed so very heavy to him, it could as easily
have been made of stone. Still, the spy managed to shake it
weakly, feeling as if a massive sphere of iron was slamming
against the inner walls of his skull with every movement.
Deliberately closing his eyes for the first time since Remus
awoke, Severus forced his larynx and tongue to work.

\"Just stay...stay where you are...will you?\"

Through his closed eyelids, Severus could not see the
concerned and sceptical glance Remus cast his way; still, the
werewolf nodded after only a brief moment of watching the
Slytherin silently, intently, before allowing himself to sink
down into the chair again.


---------------------------------------------------------------------


Walking about four meters behind the spy\'s tall, slender
body and breathing the dark humidity of the tunnel\'s air,
Remus felt his still wildly beating heart slowly calm down.
He didn\'t know what exactly had happened back there in the
Shack, but Severus\'s condition had been alarming, more
frightening than ever before, and Remus realized how badly
shaken he was by what he had just witnessed. Never in his
entire life had he seen agony consuming another person like
that, never had he yearned that much to stand by someone.
He was so very familiar with pain himself, was aware of whasuffsuffering meant, knew about the need for comfort. The urge
to take the suffering man in front of him into his arms, to
soothingly stroke his hair, to take those violently shaking
hands into his own and caress that shivering away was
overwhelming, surpassed only by the painful awareness that
all his help, all his solace, all his care would only make
things worse.

Having been condemned to passivity, knowing that
this was the best he could do, having had to helplessly
watch Severus’s horrible, silent struggle against pain, panic
and instinct that had taken place right in front of him was
among the most terrifying, infuriating and frustrating
situations Remus Lupin had ever experienced.

It had taken the Slytherin almost an hour to finally defeat
the ritual and recover afterwards. They had set off from the
Whomping Willow only a few minutes ago, and they had
done so in complete silence. The distance Remus kept
between Severus and himself was a little larger than usual,
and the slow pace the spy set, as well as his slightly swaying
walk, told a sad story about how weak the past hour had left
him.

Not one word was spoken as they made their way up through
the mighty roots of the momentarily tamed Whomping
Willow, over the deserted grounds of Hogwarts and through
the castle\'s empty halls. But when they finally reached the
door to the Slytherin\'s quarters in the dungeons, the door
through which Remus had fled agitated and distraugs hes he
hadn\'t felt for a very long time only four days the the spy
turned and started to look around, as if searching the empty
space in front of him. With a little pang of guilt Remus
became aware that he was still wearing Harry\'s invisibility
cloak - and as soon as he had freed his head from the
shimmering cloth, he found himself fixed by the Slytherin
with a slightly insecure glance.

\"Do you think you could let Albus know about...my
return, and that I will inform him sometime tomorrow
about further details...\" Remus watched the Slytherin\'s
eyes flicking to the floor for a split second.
\"...please?\"

Again, the werewolf had to fight the urge to step forward
and soothingly put his hand on Severus\'s shoulder.
Instead, he tried to put the reassurance he longed to
physically show into his voice.

\"I\'ll send an owl as soon as I\'ve reached my quarters,
Severus.\"

He was answered by a small, short nod which was followed
by a thick and quivering silence. Remus was itching to say
something, searched for the right words which refused to
come to him, wanted to express his understanding for the
Slytherin\'s deep weariness, to affirm that anything else could
wait until tomorrow, or even until later, that it was not the
time to address the events of the evening fours ags ago.
That there was nothing more important right now than
making sure that the spy wasallyally able to get the rest he
needed so very badly. His mind was overflowing with things
he wanted to express.

He didn\'t say anything, though.

With a barely audible sigh, Remus watched Severus turn
halfway around, saw how the spy\'s left hand lifted slowly to
come to rest on the door handle, heard the exhaustion in
the Slytherin\'s usually so very expressive voice.

\"Good night then.\"

It was Remus\'s turn to nod.

\"Sleep well, Severus.\"

If he was only able to show somehow that he meant every
single word...

The Slytherin had turned his back on him completely by
then, muttering the spells to lower the wards to his rooms,
apparently totally oblivious to the werewolf\'s presence who
was standing only a few meters behind him, wondering what
had happened to his feet which seemed to be glued to the
floor. Remus didn\'t have the slightest idea what exactly he
was waiting for, why he was still standing here, now that the
spy was already opening the door, ready to enter his quarters,
obviously with nothing else on his mind but ending this night
as soon as possible. Struggling with a strange kind of
indefinable disappointment, the werewolf forced his focus
away frhe bhe black back of the Death Eater’s cloak in front
of him and reached for the soft cloth on his own shoulders
instead. He had already pulled it over his head again, had
more or less turned to make the first step towards the stairs,
was just about to make a mental note not to forget to send
an owl to Albus, when he heard Severus\'s voice for a last
time.

\"Remus...\"

Stopping dead in his tracks, very aware that the Slytherin was
not able to see him, Remus slowly turned around. Severus
had remained in the open door, one hand laid on the frame
with the mask dangling from it, the other still on the handle.
He didn\'t move at all, he didn\'t even seem to breathe, and for
a moment, Remus was sure he wouldn\'t speak again. But in the
next second, he was proven wrong.

\"Thanks for having been there tonight.\"

An amazingly warm sensation spread from the werewolf\'s
solar plexus throughout his entire body. Knowing that Severus
would not mind his bodiless voice at all, Remus didn\'t even
bother to take off the cloak again before he answered.

\"Not at all, Severus.\"

It looked like waiting *was* worth it from time to time.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Severus didn\'t know how long he had been standing in front the the door to Remus\'s rooms in the East Tower. And with
every second he spent completely motionless in front of the
dark, wooden surface, the heavy weight that had descended
upon his chest grew more unbeara and and the crushing grip
of fear around his heart became tighter the longer he thought
about, the more clearly he realized what lay before him. What
he was about to do. What he was about to surrender himself
to.

Whe mae made his choice very early this morning,
watching the slowly, gracefully rising sun, the terror and
horrified turmoil his decision would wake in him seemed so
very far away. So unreal. The peace of the morning and the
indescribably glorious feeling of finally having decided, along
with the pride that had begun to rise within him regarding the
bravery this choice had demanded, had made him think he
would be able to handle the past and the memories that bound
him to the wolf. His early-day euphoria had fooled him into
thinking he would be sovereign enough. Strong enough.
Courageous enough.

Only now that nothing but this door and an hour at best stood
between him and the creature he feared most did Severus
realize that he had been so very wrong.

He was neither strong, nor sovereign, and certainly was *not*
courageous at all. The bright, blazing fear that had frozen him
into a paralysed, trembling piece of flesh in front of this door
was proof enough of the simple fact that he had hopelessly
overestimated himself. Following a powerful emotional impulse
had blinded him to his mind\'s and soul\'s reaction to the wolf
within the Gryffindor.

It had been the overwhelming need to make up for his verbal
violence, for the wounds he had inflicted on Remus that other
night. He had felt so very deeply shamed by the unquestioning,
sensitive and unobtrusive care he had received from the
werewolf after his return from the last Death Eater meeting.
The knowledge that Remus had been able to push the hurt he,
Severus, had caused him far enough away to wait for him in
the Shack as usual deeply touched the spy - but the silent,
reassuring understanding he had met in the Gryffindor afterwards
had left him speechless.

Ever since, nothing had seemed to be more important to Severus
than giving something back to the werewolf in return for that, to
do something to truly earn the forgiveness Remus had so
generously given, to offer a genuine, adequate and appropriate
apology for what he and his fearful rage had done to the
Gryffindor.

And only one means of doing so had come to his mind.

So in the end, he made his choice. Decided to accept the offer
the werewolf made the other evening. To face the greatest
horror of his past. To accompany Remus through the next full
moon.

At least this was what he resolved to do at first light this
morning. Now that he was standing in the gloomy hallway
h
had led him to Remus\'s quarters, now that the rising of the full
moon was coming closer, was already much too close, he knew
that entering that particular room was the very, very last thing
he wanted, maybe even the last thing he was capable of doing.

And it was exactly when Severus was finally certain that
he wouldn\'t, that he couldn\'t, that he had to turn
around and leave, that the door in front of him opened,
revealing the face of the werewolf upon which tension
and concern had deeply chiselled their distinctive
mark.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Remus had sensed the Slytherin’s presence in the hallway for
quite some time, along with the fear and trepidation that
lingered with the spy outside the door. The werewolf knew
that Severus was very aware of the moon\'s approach and of
what it would create inside this very room in less than an
hour, and he remembered the other\'s fierce reaction the
last time he had mentioned the wolf as well. In view of that,
the fact that the spy had chosen this particular time to show up
at his quarters was more than a bit disturbing, and Remus felt
his disquiet grow even greater with every moment he could
feel Severus spending in front of his door, clad in fear and
indecision, but still not making his presence known.

He knew he didn’t have much time left to spend in his human
form tonight. So when the Slytherin let one precious minute
after another pass, Remus finally decided to take action.

The werewolf was immediately confronted with another hot
wave of disappointment washing over him when he caught
sight of the shock flickering across Severus\'s face when the
Gryffindor opened the door. Telling himself not to blame the
spy for his unintentionally violating reaction to the
approaching wolf, Remus swallowed down hurt and
bitterness and forced himself into a wry smile, the best he
could come up with given what he knew this night still had
in store for him.

\"I didn\'t mean to make you jump, Severus.\"

It was almost painful to watch the other man\'s tight,
trembling fists, the sweat on his upper lip, the bright alarm in
those dark eyes. To know that it was he himself who was the
reason for all that left a dragging, lingering pain in Remus\'s
chest.

Had he known about the profound inner struggle he had just
pulled the Slytherin out of, about the dense, swelling dread
that had been overwhelming, swallowing the spy ever since he
reached the Gryffindor\'s rooms, the werewolf probably would
have been able to realize the symptoms of panic Severus
seemed to display as the signs of a determined fight instead,
as
the first harbingers of the slow and small victory the spy was
about to wring from his subconscious and his past. Remus
didn\'t know, though, and so he gave in to the stinging feeling
of having been betrayed more and more, to the sense of having
been let down again. The proximity of the full moon did one
more thing: it permitted the first slight hints of irritability to
creep into his voice.

\"Severus, as you undoubtedly know, this is not really the right
time for us to share a late evening visit. I\'m sorry, but
sensing your presence out here doesn\'t exactly make dealing
with the transformation easier for me.\"

It didn\'t help him that the Slytherin still didn\'t say a thing. But
something had changed about the other man. His breathing
had become very deep, very deliberate. His fingers were still
clenched into fists, but both of the spy\'s hands had stopped
shaking, were totally steady now. Remus suddenly found
himself caught in a glance that was almost frightening in its
intensity and firmness, that sent one single, wild and
indefinable shiver down his spine. Resisting the urge to
swallow hard, the Gryffindor decided to put an end to this
painful and confusing interlude as quickly as possible.

\"Why don\'t you just tell me if there\'s something I can do
for you, so we can both retire to our rooms for the night,
which, considering what night it is, would certainly be a
good idea. Especially in my case.\" Another twisted smile
flitted over his features. \"Would that be all right with you?\"

When the only answer he received was a small, silent
shake of Severus\'s head, with two glittering, black eyes
never leaving his own, the werewolf\'s patience, which had
been excessively tried not only by the Slytherin\'s unnerving
behaviour but also by the lurking full moon, wore thin at
last.

\"Merlin, Severus, what is *that* supposed to mean?\"

And finally, after having deeply inhaled one more time, the
spy found the capability to speak again.

\"It means that I beg to differ, Remus.\" The Slytherin
paused again to swallow, his nostrils slightly dilating, gently
trembling, but when he went on, not a trace of doubt was in
his voice. \"I\'d like to come back to what you suggested the
other evening instead, and I guess that would mean that both
of us would retire to just one room tonight.\"

Remus felt breathless disbelief capture his features, could
sense his heart contracting, refusing to keep on working, and
something that had just been inflamed inside flooded him with
the melting heat of an as-yet nameless, but all the more
soul-shakingly forceful emotion. Too forceful to allow him to speak.
Or to move. Leaving him room to do nothing but stare.

So he didn\'t miss the small trace of uncertainty that sneaked into
Severus\'s eyes and coloured his voice.

\"If you don\'t mind, that is...\"

And how could he, how could he do anything else but gather all
of the willpower that remained in the stunned bewilderment that
had taken hold of him? What could he do but summon every last
bit of self-control to finally be able to shake his head? To master
his treacherous voice at last? How could he do anything else?

\"No.\" No more than a shaky, throaty whisper. \"No.\" What could
be less relevant right now than the fact that the sounds leaving
his mouth were nothing but a tremulous croak? \"No. I don\'t mind
at all. Not at all, Severus.\"

And reaching backwards with both hands, blindly searching for
the door that had to be somewhere behind him, never taking his
eyes from the man in front of him, Remus slowly retreated towards
his rooms. Pushing wide open the entrance to the quarters the two
of them would share tonight.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Somehow, after he finally pulled the door shut behind him,
Severus felt surprisingly calm. It wasn\'t because he stopped
pondering on what he would soon face, or because he managed
to drive the wolf\'s image he remembered all too well from his
inner eye. Actually, he was thinking of nothing else, and it
would have been the biggest lie of his life had he claimed
to be free of the mesmerizing fear he had been caught in
only minutes ago.

He couldn\'t explain the strange contrast to the profound
dread that lay in the tranquillity that now had taken hold
of him. It was as if both feelings, equally strong in quality
as well as in quantity, had brought him to a highly peculiar,
strangely familiar emotional equilibrium...and with a violent
inner shudder, Severus suddenly realized where he knew this
powerful sensation from.

It had been another full moon night. Another desperate
decision. Another time when he had managed to defeat
his overwhelming fear in favor of what he knew was right to
do. This choice a few months ago had earned him one of the
most horrible nights of his life. He had been rewarded with
the Dark Lord\'s boiling fury, with a little too much of
Lucius\'s presence, with much too much of Voldemort\'s
Attention afterwards. For the first time, he had experienced
the consequences of the ritual full force.

And it had all been preceded by the same, wonderfully
soothing peace which had flooded him after his decision had
been made, and that had only been interrupted by the pain
of the Dark Mark\'s repeatedly beckoning fire. The same
reassuring calmness he felt now had sounded the bell f
q
quality of pain he hadn\'t known until then...

Slowly lifting his head, Severus let his eyes settleon the
slender form of Remus Lupin who stood at the fireplace, a
little paler than usual and smiling, although a bit nervously.

\"I\'m sorry, Severus, I hadn\'t expected anyone tonight, so
I\'m afraid there\'s nothing I can offer you...\"

...but had this other night of pain, this other serious decision
not also given him this in the end? The fragile, but all the
more precious friendship, the genuine compassion, selfless
care and unquestioning help of that generous man over there?
Had it not been the beginning of something he had never
expected to find, something that had seemed so improbable
to him that he hadn\'t even been searching for it?

Had it not all been worth it in the end?

So perhaps he could once more dare to trust this beautiful
tranquillity that compensated for the fierce panic he felt,
that eased him, made up for all the blazing fear in the same
amazingly comforting way it had done then...

\"...are you listening to me at all, Severus?\"

The slight urgency in Remus\'s words dragged the Slytherin
back to reality. To the questioning glance of the Gryffindor.
To the waiting moon and the choice he had made.

\"I\'m sorry, I was a little...distracted, momentarily.\"

A small, sad smile played around the werewolf\'s mouth.

\"That much I noticed.\" The smile slid from Remus\'s face and
his lips pressed together tightly, forming a hard line for a
second. \"Severus, I can imagine that this...situation is
anything but easy for you, so if you...\"

Severus was grateful that merely shaking his head firmly,
determinedly, silenced the other man at once. It had been
difficult enough for him to voice his decision outside, in front
of that door, a short while ago. He knew he would not be able
to verbally confirm it now, even though he had by no means
changed his mind in the meantime.

Quite the contrary.

In the mutual silence that had fallen between them, he was
relieved to see Remus\'s features relaxing a little. Not quite
sure how to proceed, Severus walked over to nea nearest
window, unable to resist the urge of glancing outside,
searching the sky which had grown almost dark by now.
Only a shadow of the Astronomy Tower\'s silhouette was s
v
visible against the deep night blue which already coloured
part of the world.

\"It won\'t be long now.\"

When Severus turned around to the sound of the Gryffindor\'s
voice, he somehow was not at all surprised to be greeted by
a calmness in the werewolf\'s eyes that mirrored what he
himself felt. Again, a faint smile lifted the lips of the other
man.

\"What I meant to tell you before was that you\'re more than
welcome to make yourself as comfortable as possible under
these...circumstances. You know where I keep the tea and
whatever else you feel like. I.won\won\'t get in your way, so
please feel free to help yourself. Usually, I...well, I tend to
spend the night on the floor in front of the sofa, but if you
want to retire on it and don\'t feel too comfortable with my
presence there, I can swap and move over to the fireplace or
wherever you...\"

\"Remus.\" This time, Severus didn\'t rely on gestures to
interrupt the Gryffindor. The rising of the moon couldn\'t be
too far away now, and they simply didn\'t have much time left.
Most unfortunately, there was still something he needed to
admit, to clarify, and even though he didn\'t feel comfortable
with that at all, was aware that he\'d risk hurting the were
o
once again, he knew he had to mention and explain this now.
Before. Not after.

Inhaling very deeply, the Slytherin leaned back against the
windowsill and met Remus\'s slightly confused gaze.

\"I\'m afraid there still is a small problem I need to tell you
about.\"

The confusion in the other\'s eyes was replaced with alarm
immediately. Severus cursed himself for not having even
ried to search for a more careful way to phrase this last
sentence.

\"Let me assure you first that I don\'t mean to offend you in
any way, Remus, even though I know that this might be
difficult to believe. I\'m also very aware that we -you- are
running out of time, so I will make this as short as possible.\"

The Gryffindor was still staring at him, disturbance written
all over his face, screaming from every inch of his body.

\"Remus, as much as I\'d like it to be otherwise, I...\" With a
frustrated sigh, Severus momentarily closed his eyes. He
should not have waited so long, it was already difficult
enough, and lack of time didn\'t make it any easier - only
more urgent with every second he wasted...\"As sad as this
might be, I\'m...I\'m afraid I will not be able to actually
witness your transformation. It would...\"

It would be too much. Too much memory. Too much past.
Too much intimacy. Too demanding. Too soon. It would
simply be too soon.

\"...make me feel extremely uncomfortable.\"

Steeling himself for the reaction his confession might
provoke, the Slytherin opened his eyes, immediately
searching for an answer in Remus\'s expression.

It was impossible to read anything, to interpret the look on
the Gryffindor\'s face or the aspects of his body language.
Not even blinking, the werewolf seemed to be made of
silent, unapproachable stone for a few moments. Until he
finally spoke. In a low voice resonant with suppressed pain.

\"You don\'t have to witness it, Severus.\"

Remus turned away, slowly, gradually, until he was
facing the fireplace. His voice barely audible.

\"You don\'t even have to be here, you know.\"

At those words, a wild wave of rage washed over the spy,
taking all of his regrsenssense of guilt and concern for the
other\'s emotional well-being with it in a violent, irresistible
surge of indignation. Leaving Severus speechless for one
of the very few times in his life.

But only for a very few moments.

\"I wasn\'t aware that you consider yourself an all-or-nothing
issue. Had I known that in time, I could have saved myself
a lot of precious energy I obviously wasted on fighting only
*aspects* of the reasons that spoke against joint nights like
this.\"

He *did* perceive the freezing coldness of his voice, realized
the stinging, acid sarcasm that dripped from every word. And
he didn\'t care about defusing even one of the verbal daggers
he was flinging at the other man\'s back, every single one
meant to bury itself deep in whatever part of the werewolf\'s
body or soul it could reach.

\"Rest assured, I am *very* aware of the fact that Idon\'t have
to be here! Actually, until some moments ago, I was foolish
enough to think that all this was about the most amazing fact
that I *wanted* to be here. But well, of course you\'re right
when you think that my pathetic inability to completely
overcome the emotional results of a certain event all at once
apparently makes me *unworthy* of...\"

A low, hoarse sound coming from the fireplace
penetrated his consciousness, got through to him as if the
werewolf had screamed and silenced Severus at once. He
knew what he had just heard, and the knowledge was
confirmed when the Gryffindor finally moved again,
desperately shaking his head and turning his contorted face
which was wet with tears towards him.

Severus barely had time to realize somewhere in the back
of his mind that he had never seen Remus cry before, when
all of a sudden, it began.

He knew that he\'d never be able to forget about the
horrifying images that assailed him, about the strange,
haunting sounds or the shades of pain and torture that
spread across the room with Remus’s transformation like a
translucent fog. Never again. He would always remember the
air that was dense with moonlight and despair, quivered with
inevitability. He could smell the question that lingered
everywhere, that had been asked so many times and would
be so until the last time, no matter how pointless it was, no
matter that the answer had already been given - as far as
there could be one.

Maybe it was because he knew. About immutable fates,
about futile struggles, about infinite helplessness. Maybe it
was because he had silently screamed the same question
so many times that he could hear Remus\'s “Why?” echoing
from the walls of his rooms with merciless clarity. Maybe
it was because Sus wus was painfully familiar with not
having any real choice that he did not turn away. That in the
end he managed to deliberately accompany Remus through
his transformation after all. Until the end.

Until the wolf stood before him.

All of his understanding and compassion was gone within a
split second, and the spy\'s heartbeat had accelerated just as
rapidly. He didn\'t know whether he did not dare to move or
breathe, or if this sudden, cold grip of fear had simply
paralysed him. Feeling the first beginnings of the teenager\'s
panic rising, he could sense how he got caught by the
animal\'s gleaming stare. Severus searched for a human trace
in those eyes, he hopelessly longed to find *something* of
the Gryffindor there, despite the alarmingly strong dread that
conquered more and more of his being. But his efforts were
in vain. All of them.

There was only the wolf.

And now the wolf began to move.

Breathlessly, the Slytherin watched the animal take a few,
cautious steps backwards, still fixing the spy with his gaze
and cocking his head slightly. Seeing the dangerous creature
display that particular gesture which seemed so very playful
almost forced an involuntary smile onto Severus\'s face. The
wolf must have sensed the slight change in his human
companion’s aura; the creature became a bit more obviously
bold now, carefullyapproaching the spy again until it
reached the same position where he had stood in the
beginning and patiently waited. Still watching the man by
the window with those keenly gleaming eyes.

Only a few minutes later, Severus totally lost track of time.
Holding the animal’s gaze, not daring to let the wolf out
of his sight lest he miss a single one of the beast\'s
movements, and struggling to regain control over the
immense emotional turmoil inside at the same time was
not exactly an easy task, and the spy became completely
absorbed in it. So he had no idea how long the animal and
he had already been facing each other when his wolfish
opponent apparently decided that he had waited long enough.
With his head lowered deep down to the floor, but never
breaking eye-contact, the werewolf carefully put one paw
before the other.

Retreating as far as the window at his back allowed him to,
Severus desperately realized that the panic he had just
successfully dampened to a bearable degree had started to
boil up again.

The animal stopped.

And this was, exactly, when Severus suddenly became aware
that it *was* Remus in front of him.

He didn\'t care whether it was the fact that the wolf had partly
dictated Remus\'s human behaviour or whether it was the
human inside the animal that had acted just now. All he knew
was that this was something he recognized. This was the
carefulness, the respect for his feelings, the sensitive attention
to his needs the Gryffindor had always shown him during the
past months. Never had he forced any of his help and
sympathy upon the spy; all of his actions had been offers
instead, and he had left it up to the Slytherin whether he was
willing to make use of them or not...

Pushing the wild protests ringing in his head and heart away,
Severus slowly got down on the floor, first on one bended knee,
then on the other. Sitting back on his heels, eyes closed, he
waited for the next attack of fear to ebb away, before he was
finally ready to face the animal again. Silently asking it to
make the next move.

It was a very prolonged process the two of them underwent
that night. They did not know it, but they spent more than an
hour covering the few meters still left between them, Severus
cautiously sliding forward on his knees, the wolf approaching
him just as slowly, just as carefully. But when they made it at
last, when there were only inches still to be bridged, when
Severus\'s shaking fingers had accepted the final one of the
wolf\'s offers this night by touching the animal’s neck, very
lightly at first, jerking them back as if they were burned, but
burying themselves deeply in the thick, slightly rough fur soon
after, when the spy gradually became aware that the two of
them actually, unbelievably had defeated the Dark Lord\'s
ritual, the profound bliss that overwhelmed the Slytherin at
the first touch of another body than that of his former Master
- of Remus\'s body, in a way - made Severus realize that,
again, ineed, it had all been worth it.

TBC

Author\'s note: All right, I won\'t even start and try to find any apologies
for why it took chapter 13 so damn long to finally make its way to
aff-net *sheepishgrin*...I hope, though, that it can make up somehow
for the long wait - and for the fact that this was definitely the last
installment for the next five weeks. Exams are getting closer *shudders*,
and I need to focus on revising now. But I can\'t wait for the 15th of
September, when it will finally all be over...


@ @_@: *sigh* The heat must have boiled my brain to pieces - I still
only find \'emphasize\'...but I won\'t give up ;o), just give me some time!
You\'re right that what Lucius\'s doing is not exactly what you would expect
him to - who would have thought that even this man is kind of soft
spot-prone when it comes to his suffering former house mate...
Hey, and I hope you liked the latest Slytherin-Gryffindor-interaction!

@ int: *waves* Glad you liked FaJwE so far - and I\'m real sorry that
up-dating took me so long...and that it will even become worse during
the next weeks...As for braking the curse: I guess they found at least a
way to bend it, right :o)?

@ K. Riddle: Um...what am I supposed to say *helplessgrin*? I\'m *real*
sorry that my style doesn\'t seem to be your cuppa!! Most unfortunately,
I\'m afraid that I won\'t be able to come up with a translation- what I *can*
do is trying to give you a short summary, and I\'d be thrilled if that helped
and encouraged you to read on! All right, here you go:
For all Joy wants Eternity is basically about Severus getting trapped by the
Dark Lord in a ritual which physically binds him to Voldemort as long as the
two of them live - as well as about how Sev lives on after that, about his
suffering because of it and the help he\'s offered and gradually learns to
accept. In chapter one, where he\'s still a very young man, he receives the
first mark of three that validate the ritual, and the two following chapters
tell about how the second and the third mark are implemeted and such
make Severus\'s body forever the Dark Lord\'s possession. Only the first
chapter\'s set in the past; the events from the second on are taking
place after Voldemort has returned in GoF, but provide some glimpses
into what has happened before, how and why Severus returned to
Dumbledore and became a spy for example.
I really hope that this little insight maybe motivated you to struggle
through the first chapter again - as well as to the rest of FaJwE as well :o)!