Eye of the Beholder

Authors Note: Many thanks go out to Mary Brenna McCaslin, Yabo and Fire Mage6 for their support and encouragement in their reviews

Chapter 13. The Painful Truth
Snape walked over to the shelf where he kept his liquors, and poured himself a snifter of brandy. A generous helping, as he definitely needed it tonight. He closed the cabinet door, walked back over to his office couch and sat down, putting his feet up on the low table. He removed his wand and uttering a spell, started a small fire in the fireplace. He kept the flames low, only bright enough to give off a bit of heat and light, as he preferred to brood in the dark.
 
Damn him! Snape thought angrily. If it weren’t for Dumbledore, I would not be in this mess. No Severus, you know that is not true, old boy. It is your own bloody fault you couldn’t keep your eyes and hands to yourself, so you have only yourself to blame. He knew deep down that was true; he shouldn’t blame Dumbledore for his lack of control, and consequential actions.
 
Gods, he could not believe what had happened tonight. First, Sasha walks in when he did not expect to see her that evening, looking devastatingly beautiful. Scar or no scar, it was everything about her, her hair, her dress, the confidence with which she held herself, the way she threw her head back in laughter during her dance with Dumbledore, not to mention the way she smelled, felt and tasted… A rush of warm pleasure overwhelmed him at the memory of holding her in his arms.
 
And you had to go and spoil it by actually encouraging her, didn’t you, you perverted old git, he reprimanded himself. Now, she will probably be thinking there may be some sort of ‘thing’ between you two, and get her hopes up. And yours.
 
Still, he could not let go of the memories of her body responding to his carefully placed touches. How she shuddered as his lips lightly brushed her ear, or how she went weak when his tongue tasted the saltiness along her hairline. These involuntary reactions made him feel so alive, so wanted, for the first time in a long time. To actually have someone in his arms who desired him. Him!
 
Snape took a long sip of the brandy and felt it burn as it went down the back of his throat. He shook his head. Just wait until she finds about your past. He could imagine the conversation between the two of them already.
 
Sasha: So, Severus, what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
Snape: Well, besides spending long hours in a bleak dungeon inventing new potions that torture or kill innocents in various nefarious ways all in the name of the Dark Lord, not much. But I’m past that now. Really. Trust me…
 
You should have never given into your desires out there Snape, he reminded himself yet again. If she ever got to know the real you, or if you ever told her of the things you did in the past as a Death Eater, that would be the end of it. She would lose any shred of respect she may have for you.
Well, there was only one thing he could do now. Ignore it and hope she never brings it up again. If she does, just simply tell her flat out you don’t have feelings for her, that she was mistaken, and tell her not to bring it up again with you. Snape sighed and rested his head back against the leather couch.
 
**
 
Sasha walked across the courtyard and waited for a while, but Snape never showed. Either he did not understand her hint, or he could not get awaytherther way, she had time to reflect back on the incredible moments she had spent in his arms.
 
It was all, and more, than she could have hoped it would be. His body was so tall and strong. It still surprised her how well they actually fit together. His touch along the small of her back was warm, and firm. Most of all she remembered his heartbeat. When she was resting her head on his shoulder, she felt the briefest of warm, wet caresses along her temple. Her body reacted to this with a strong wave of desire, and she remembered feeling Snape’s heartbeat race as a result of her body’s involuntary reaction to him.
 
She could not imagine that what had happened between the two of them was all in her imagination. She saw the look of reluctance on his face when the first song ended, and how he refused to let go of her hand. When the next song started, he did not even ask her if she wanted to remain there. He just pulled her back into his arms, and held her close. The knowledge that he was demanding what he wanted from her, and was not being coerced by her or Dumbledore, made her feel giddy.
 
She was getting cold so she decided to go back up to her dorm room. She quickly climbed the stairs and entered through the Ravenclaw painting. She was surprised to see Cho, Adrian and a few other fifth and sixth years sitting around with Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle (she did not know their first names), and Pansy Parkinson. Cho waved her over.
 
"I’ll be right there," she replied, "I just have to go clean up." Sasha climbed the stairs to her dorm room, and went to the bathroom. She washed her face, removing all of the sticky make-up, and brushed her teeth. She still felt giddy about the evening with Snape, but this was a good time to slizelize with the other students. She just hoped Pansy would not make any comments.
 
Sasha walked back down the stairs to the common room, and saw all of the students were now sitting in a circle. She walked over to Cho, who scooted aside for her to sit down. It was not until she was settled that she realized they had started a game of ‘spin the wand’.
 
Sasha groaned to herself. This is not something she wanted to be involved in, but it was too late to back out now. It was Ron’s turn to spin, and his wand landed pointing to Crabbe.
 
"Uh! I think I will try again, thanks," he said to the laughter of all, and to the relief of Crabbe. The second spin landed between Malfoy and Hermione. Much to Ron’s delight, Malfoy reached over and turned it to point right at Hermione. She blushed, but Ron quickly gave her a peck on the cheek, and that was it.
 
It was now Hermione’s turn, and she spun it so it was facing directly at Cho. Hermione kissed her own hand and blew the kiss to Cho in order to get out of a further spin. The others complained that she was not playing by the rules, but Hermione did not care. She refused to spin again.
 
Cho rolled her eyes at Hermione’s reluctance, and placed her wand in the middle of the circle. She spun it, and it landed facing Draco. Much to the dismay of Pansy and Harry, Cho stood up, and walked over to Malfoy. She placed a not-so-chaste kiss on his lips making sure Harry and Pansy both saw. She pulled away, and Draco had a wide smirk on his face.
 
"Liked that did you Cho?" he asked conceitedly. "There is plenty more where that came from if you want it, you just have to ask." Sasha had the feeling Cho was just trying to make Harry jealous.
 
Smirking, Draco sat back down and removed his wand. He placed it in the middle of the circle and spun it. The wand whizzed kly,kly, then slowed, and Sasha was surprised to find it pointing directly at her. A sudden tense silence filled the room, until Pansy started to giggle. Draco looked up at Sasha with shock, which was soon replaced by a calculated look of disgust.
 
"There is no bloody way I am going to kiss her," he proclaimed in a stubborn tone that was final. Pansy egged him on as a way to get back at him after his kiss with Cho.
 
"You have to Draco, that is the point of the game. You have to kiss the ones you want to, as well as the ones you don't. Besides," she said maliciously, narrowing her eyes into fat slits, "don't you want to try damaged goods? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't though. Even greasy old Snape dropped her like a hot potato when I offered to cut in and save him from having to dance with her tonight." Pansy was clearly enjoying this.
 
Draco looked Sasha up and down. "I don't think so, Pansy. I wouldn't lower myself to kiss that ugly, disfigured git, even if I drank a case of butterbeer, and put the box it came in over her head." Draco laughed spitefully.
 
There was a collective gasp from many around the room at Draco's hurtful comments. Sasha had been so shocked at the cruel words, she could not think of anything to say. The meaning behind his words suddenly sunk in, and she felt her chest tighten up in humiliation. She stood, and ran out the common room door, stumbling through a veil of unshed tears. She reached the staircase and started to climb when she heard Cho's voice behind her.
 
"Sasha, wait!" Sasha kept running up the stairs when she suddenly felt a jolt. She nearly fell, but kept her balance by holding onto the railing. The staircase had decided at that moment to dislodge itself from the landing above, and was shifting around, moving down and extending itself, placing her three floors lower down. It finally settled with a solid thunk.
 
Sasha did not look back at Cho. She ignored her cries, and kept climbing the stairs, which were now leading her down to the basement. She reached the bottom landing and kept running, not knowing where she was going, and not caring. The tightness in her chest was getting worse, and she was having greater trouble breathing. She knew the reason why. It wasn't that Draco's words were cruel. It was the realization that he was right. She was an ugly, disfigured git.
 
It was her worst fear ever, to be despised and shunned by others because of her hideous scar. It was one thing to disillusion herself into thinking nobody cared or re not noticed it. But to be outright rejected, and told to your face how ugly you were, shattered all the protective walls of defense she had build up over the years. She could no longer pretend she was like everyone else. She would never find someone who would accept her as she was.
 
The truth hurt. Especially after tonight. How could she have been so stupid to actually think Snape would ever find her attractive. Even with a new hairstyle and dress, it didn't change the fact that she was a disfigured, ugly girl who even a slut like Draco wouldn't kiss.
 
She had been stumbling along, half blinded by unshed tears and not paying attention to where her feet were taking her. She realized she had unconsciencely made her way to the potions class, and found herself outside of Snape's office door. It was closed, and she did not see any light coming from beneath the door. She was about to knock, when she stopped herself.
 
Why was she here? Who was she kidding? Snape did not find her attractive. It was just her overactive imagination projecting her desires onto him, which made the evening with him so surreal. Snape would not give a fig about what had just happened to her, and why should he? She was just another bothersome student who was taking up too much of his valuable time, with her bloody demanding potion. Sasha was disgusted with herself for even thinking he would care.
 
She slowly lowered her hand and brought it flat against her face. She could no longer hold back the tears of humiliation and pain, and they overflowed her eyes. She tried to choke them back, and turning, she ran back down the potions class towards the door. The need to get out of there, away from Snape and Hogwarts in general, as it was overwhelming at the moment. She was near to panicking. She needed to be alone.
 
**
Snape had been busy polishing off the glass of brandy, brooding, and watching the low flames in the fireplace dance and wave. He sensed, more than heard, that someone was outside his office door. He stood and picked up his wand. He was in no mood to find a student out there pinching his potions ingredients. If he caught whoever there was, there would be hell to pay.
 
With a snarl, Snape flung open the door just in time to see Sasha's back as she ran, stumbling, away from him.
 
"Sasha?" he called out, surprised. She heard him, but she did not want him to see her like this. She did not stop moving, and if anything, she ran faster.
 
"Sasha! Stop right now!" He demanded. She was almost at the door when he realized she was not about to. He pointed his wand, commanding the potions class door to close and lock. To her dismay, it closed right in front of her, preventing her from escaping.
 
She slammed her fists on it, futilely. She was sobbing uncontrollably now, and was shaking in her shame and humiliation.
 
Snape quickly reached her, and went to grab her by the shoulders to turn her around. She filched away from his touch, and turning, pressed herself into the back of the door, trying to get away from him. From his touch.
 
Snape took one look at her and knew something was not right. Her eyes were unfocused and red from crying. Tears were still falling down her face. Her breathing was fast and shallow, as if she could not catch her breath. She was backing away from him, her hands raised defensively when he reached towards her.
 
"Sasha, what is wrong! Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?" Snape asked dangerously. If anyone laid a hand on her he would kill them with his bare hands. Or worse, much worse. A hundred potions flew through his mind, ones that would keep a body alive while they experienced hours of agonizing pain and torture. Much more satisfying than death.
 
She shook her head, but could not speak. Snape realized she was had experienced some sort of shock, and her mind and body were in the fight or flight mode. He took a step back so she would not feel threatened, and spoke in calming tones.
 
"It's OK, Sasha," he said soothingly. He held out his hand, waiting for her to take it on her own terms. Sasha looked up at Snape, and could do nothing but shake her head. Snape continued to lure her away from the door.
 
"It's OK. Come here. You know I won't hurt you." It was those words, similar words to what he uttered earlier, in the same potions class when she was terrified, that finally got through to her.
 
She looked up at him through her tears, and slowly reached out a trembling hand. Snape recognized his chance and reached for her. He grabbed her around the wrist and pulled her into his arms before she could back away. He held her tight, his arms wrapped securely around her. Her hands were clinging to his shirt, and her face was buried in his chest. She was shaking and sobbing, and clung to him as if her life depended on it.
 
Never before had Snape felt so needed in his entire life. People came to him for his potions, not because they needed him, per se. For whatever reason, Sasha had come to him for consolation. Of all the people at Hogwarts, she had come to him. Him! The realization and implications of this made Snape feel so warm inside, so wanted, and very protective towards her. He needed to know what happened that had upset her so much.
 
Snape picked her up, one hand beneath her knees, the other around her back. She never let go of him for a moment. He carried her to his office and over to the couch. He sat down and rested her feet beside him, such that her back rested against the arm rest, and her knees were bent over his lap. He still held her tight in his arms, and rocked her back and forth like a child. Her face was buried into his neck, and he leaned his head down beside hers, and lay his cheek against the softness of her hair. He ed hed his eyes and held her tighter, letting her know she was safe with him. Silently, he held her, knowing when she was ready, she would tell him what was wrong.
 
After a while, he could feel her heart start to calm a bit, and her shaking lessened. With one hand, he reached down and softly moved the stray bits of hair from her face. He gazed at her in amazement. She was still lovely to him. Despite her tears and the redness in her eyes from crying, he thought she was the most beautiful creature he had seen in a long time. Using his thumb he wiped away the tears from her cheeks he lifted her head so he could look into her eyes. His heart lurched at the anguish and hurt he saw in there. He fought the urge to lean forward and kiss her tears away.
 
"What happened?" he asked quietly.
 
Sasha looked him deep into the eyes. "Draco." It was all she could say at the moment.
 
Snape went cold. Malfoy! "Did he touch you in any way?" Snape asked carefully, hiding the mounting fury he felt within. He knew the reputation Draco had as a lady’s man. What he was not offered, he took - with or without a woman's permission.
 
Sasha took a ragged breath, and replied. "No. It was not what he did, but what he said."
 
Snape looked at Sasha questioningly. "What did he say to you?"
 
She looked at Snape for a long time before answering. She took a long breath, and pulled away from his embrace. Calmer, she looked him squarely in the eye.
 
"The painful truth."