The Pains of Becoming

MaryJane:

Thanks for staying with me on this journey! Glad you liked the last chapter, and to your question, I did enjoy writing it, it was one of my favourite chapters so far, but so was the one before it and this one I also liked writing. So it did not really feel different and I don’t know if the writing is better. But it’s great that you think so!

And you’re right, I think, about Lucius, I don’t think he enjoys the punishing part as much as testing out just how well it worked. I know I kind of made the cutting the punishment, but really I think her time in the dark room and sleeping on the broken glass was the punishment, cause that was what made her come around. The cutting was a demonstration of how well it worked.

And yeah, I like those moments when she is just so happy about it all. I like that that irritated him because he doesn’t care if she’s happy about what he does to her, he just wants her to submit, so when she gets a bit distracted because she’s really happy about what he has done to her than he will just sort of think “Get your act together, you child.” Oh well, and yes finally I was giving them some sex! I am quite surprised myself that it took me 11 chapters to write two sex scenes, how rubbish of me…





And so here we are again! And Snape is back too, thank God!

Btw maybe you start wondering where Umbridge is, well I ignored her, she’s not part of this story and I act like she never came to Hogwarts, doesn’t make much sense I know but after all this is not Harry Potter, this is my story ;)

Hope you enjoy and leave a review please!

Thanks to Sajahi for being so quick with the betaing!



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Chapter 12

A few Lies



When Kristy arrived back at Hogwarts on Sunday afternoon she felt like a different person. It was like her precious new outfit was charmed to make everything else about her look more glamorous. Her dark hair now somehow seemed just as glossy as her coat and the green shimmer of her dress seemed to enhance the green of her eyes. As she walked down the hall to the dungeon she noticed students turning and looking after her.





She felt amazing, she felt classy, she was associating with Lucius Malfoy. It did not matter that she had spent half the weekend in a dark room, tied by the neck to the wall and sleeping on a stone floor covered in broken glass. It did not matter anymore what he had said. Of course she would never be a pureblood, but she got laid by one. And he gave her this beautiful dress and underneath it she carried his initials carved into her inner thigh. She was his toy, and she had never felt more important or more valuable.





After she had reached her common room, she hid the mysterious box under her bed and settled down in front of the fireplace to revise for charms, or so she wanted people to think, actually she was trying to think of a way to smuggle the box into young Harry Potter’s dormitory. She could somehow find out the password and sneak in, she thought, she would have to pick a time then most students had classes, so she would not be seen, that all was possible somehow, but how was she going to get by the portrait without it noticing?





She couldn’t concentrate on this question for long, because Draco had sat down opposite her and stared at her so openly, there was no way she could ignore it. She dropped her book;





“What?”





“My father is buying you things now?” He said grimly.





“Jealous?” She answered. He snorted in disgust,





“Don’t you believe a stupid dress means anything, that’s nothing for my father. He buys me much more expensive stuff all the time.”





She smiled widely, “Good for you.” She said before she returned to pretending to read. She saw out of the corner of her eyes that he was still looking at her but she ignored it as though she didn’t notice. She kept thinking about how to get passed that portrait. She had heard Draco talk about all these things that Harry had, the two of them were in the same year and as it seemed they considered each other rivals. Draco had complained to his friends about Harry possessing an invisibility cloak and something called “The Marauder’s map” a map that showed where everyone was within the castle, which made it easy to stay out of certain people’s way. Draco had been furious because both these things had been things his father apparently had not bought him. But now she wanted to have these objects more than anything. For Harry it obviously would be no problem to sneak into the Slytherin dorms if he needed to. What she needed was something like an invisibility cloak. But she only knew that Harry had one and in order to nick his, she would already have to be in his dormitory. This was no use.





“Don’t you dare think you’re anything special just because he fucks you.” She heard Draco mutter suddenly.





She looked up, “Don’t worry, Draco. I am not planning to become your new mum or something.” He jumped up, his face twisted with fury. For a moment it looked like he was going to leap at her but he stayed where he was.





“You better watch it!” Some students looked over to them to see what the fuss was about. But Kirsty only calmly looked back at him and Draco seemed to swallow down his anger and stormed off. And there it hit her: Polyjuice Potion! It was perfect! She could turn into a Gryffindor, that way it did not even matter if someone saw her. All she needed were the supplies, most of them she realised she would have to nick from Snape. She didn’t like the idea. But she figured she had broken into Dumbledore’s office to steal something, she could do this.





The next day she walked down the dungeons after class towards her common room, in her mind going over her plans to break into Snape’s private store room the coming night, there she saw Draco leaning against the wall, watching her coming closer. She ignored him, she had no time for his stupid remarks, she was far too important for that now. But he stepped in her way. She tried to walk around him but he again stepped in front of her. She hesitated and once more tried to walk around him, this time successfully.





“When father has had enough of you he is going to let me have you, you know!” He called after her. She stopped and turned back slowly, her eyes glittering. She could not have that boy thinking he had anything against her.





“I owe you, Draco. Have you forgotten that? I can’t believe that you have, so how come you have never asked me to pay my debt?” He didn’t answer. “Why is that, Draco? Why would you have to wait till your father has had enough of me, when I owe you a good ride anyway? …Hmm?” Draco was fuming, but still he seemed unable to answer her. She came all the way back to him and stopped in front of him. “Is it because your father told you to stay away from me? Could it be he doesn’t like to share certain things with you? Things that are just a bit too precious?”





Draco was shaking with anger, his grey eyes piercing back into hers as he finally replied; “So how is the great Death Eater career going? Ever wondered why my father is letting you do things for the Death Eaters at Hogwarts when he has his own son here, willing to do these things? He is using you and when you get found out he is simply going to drop you and you go to Azkaban.”





Her blood run cold when he mentioned Azkaban, she had heard horrible stories about that place and the dementors. She realised in surprise that she had not seen her situation this way and she refused to see it this way now, when for once she felt things were going right in her life. She did not even pay attention to what she was doing when she pulled her wand from the inside of her cloak. Draco stepped back and pulled out his wand.





“You don’t have the skill, Draco, that’s why he doesn’t let you do things.”





“You live in a dream world, Flame, how good can your skills be, with you being half a muggle.”





“Lets find out!” Kirsty drew in her breath to throw a nasty curse at him that would make him fly through the hall, but when she held up her wand she felt it being snatched away from her. She spun around. Snape was standing right behind her, so close that again all she saw was black buttons and black fabric. Her subconscious associated that sight already with something unpleasant and scary; she instantly shrunk into herself and bit her lip, not daring to look up.





“What do you two think you’re doing?” He asked very sternly, “I didn’t think I would ever have to witness this, two Slytherins duelling in the hallway. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”





Draco pulled an annoyed face and put his wand back into his pocket.





“Into my office, right now!” He grabbed both of them by the collar and pushed them down the hall towards his classroom. Snape pushed them through the door to the potions class room and into his office in the back. Kirsty realised she had never entered the office before. She had seen it from the classroom. In her first year she had stood outside and peered inside with wide eyes looking at the jars with strange objects in them. He sat down behind his desk and stared back at them. She felt rather self-conscious lined up with Draco in front of Snape’s desk. Since when did she constantly get in trouble with him? She never used to!





“Well, is one of you going to explain?” He prompted. They both remained silent. She peeked over to Draco; he only looked bored as he gazed around the room.





“Who started this?” Snape asked but again silence answered. He addressed her,

“Miss Flame, you are a Seventh year, you should be an example to the younger students.”





“Nobody saw us.” Kristy said quietly. Snape got up from his chair and leaned over the desk to her.





“I saw you. I am not nobody!” Draco smirked at that. “You have something to add, Mr. Malfoy?” Snape asked, his eyes still fixed on Kirsty. Draco remained quiet so Snape continued; “Slytherin has enough to do defending itself against the hostility of the other houses. We can not afford to fight each other. I want to know who started this and I want to know why. …Now! Or expect to spend your entire afternoons and weekends in detention for the next two weeks!”





Kirsty bit her lip. What should she say? She had to make something up, she could not afford to get detentions, Lucius would be furious, but she would have to take the blame and that would get her punished anyway. How was she going to get out of this before Draco was going to tell him everything! Then Draco started talking; she closed her eyes, so she would not have to watch her own doom.





“I started it.” Draco said. Kirsty opened her eyes and turned to look at Draco, she couldn’t believe it. He did not look at her, he looked Snape straight in the eyes, “I wound her up about her traitorous mother and her muggle father. She ignored everything I said until I pulled my wand. She was only trying to defend herself.”





Kirsty noticed her mouth stood open. Why was he lying? Why was he taking it all on himself?! That was not like Draco at all! Snape seemed to think the same, boring with his black eyes into Draco’s searching for truth. Then he looked over to her. She closed her mouth quickly and lowered her head. She kept feeling his eyes on her when he continued in an even tone,



“You would be better off focusing your… energy on other things, Mr. Malfoy. However, it usually takes two people to duel. You two will sort out your differences here tomorrow night in detention; now get out of my sight!”Draco and Kirsty silently left Snape’s office and crossed the classroom to exit. After Kirsty had closed the heavy wooden door she turned to Draco and burst out,





“Why in hell did you do that? Why did you lie for me?!”





Draco only stared grimly to the ground and walked passed her. Without so much as a motion to show that he had heard her he walked away and left her to herself in the cold hallway of the dungeon. Kirsty only looked after him. She could not make sense of this. He had wound her up, yes, but why would he admit it? Draco was more cunning than that. She didn’t know a single Slytherin who would have admitted the truth to get out of life long detention with Snape. He could have said anything. And why did he lie about who drew wands first? It had been her. Why did he not tell Snape, that it had been her? Why would he take all the blame? After all she had been mean to him too and provoked him to duel just as much.





Draco had long disappeared when she realised she was still standing outside the potions classroom. She hurried away, not sure where she was going next. She had another problem to deal with now. Tomorrow night she had wanted to break into Snape’s storage room and steal the ingredients for the polyjuice potion, now she had to postpone that because of the detention. She was furious at herself. Had she learned nothing? Lucius had made clear to her that it was an important skill to remain unnoticed and not draw attention to herself. Every time she got in trouble with Snape the suspicion in his eyes increased. She hoped he was not onto her secrets. But she thought as long as he did not ask Dumbledore to search through her stuff for the Book of Forgotten Curses she would be ok.





Speaking of which, it had been about a week now that the book had gone missing and she was wondering why she hardly heard anything about an investigation. Dumbledore had not mentioned it again in the Great Hall, after that morning. But she knew they would not simply forget about it. And when she walked down the hall once she saw Harry Potter sitting in an alcove with his friends, Granger and that ginger haired guy. Potter seemed a bit upset and Granger said, “Snape has no grounds to found his accusations on. Don’t worry Harry.” And ginger haired guy continued, “Yeah, Dumbledore knows you didn’t take it anyway.” Then the boy-who-lived argued, “I am tired of getting the blame for everything. I haven’t done anything. Why can’t that git leave me alone?”



“It’s more likely one of his precious Slytherins stole it, and he knows it, that’s why he blames you, Harry.” Granger offered her opinion.





Kirsty felt a wave of disgust and rage coming over her, but she forced herself to continue down the hall. How easy life must be when you are so righteous and free of guilt that you can freely blame everyone else but yourself for anything and have friends who hold your hand while you pity yourself and force everyone else to deal with the nasty reality of this world, she thought.





The next evening came quickly and soon Kirsty found herself next to Draco in front of the potions class room door. She looked at Draco, “Hi, how are you doing?” He ignored her completely. The door opened and Snape waited wordlessly for them to enter. His eyes where black and unreadable as ever. When they entered they saw that one of the desks was set up with a big caldron.





”You will brew sleeping potion together, so you learn to get along.”





Draco opened his mouth to complain but to Kirsty’s surprise he stopped himself and instead started heating up the water in the caldron. Kirsty looked at him for a moment, then she walked over to him. Then she turned to Snape,



“Where do we take the ingredients from?”



“Some are here in the schools supplies cupboard. The ones that are missing you can take from my storage room down the hall.” She only glared at him; this was too good an opportunity. He knew what she was up to, didn’t he? She tried so hard to see through him but there was nothing but blackness in his eyes. She nodded and went over to the cupboard. Snape exited through the door to his office and left them alone.





Kirsty carried some vials with liquids over to Draco who started adding them to the water. She stood next to him and looked at him. He ignored her and focused grimly on his work. She felt sorry for him, what ever it was that made him so miserable lately, she didn’t think he deserved it.



“I’m sorry, Draco”, she said quietly. He kept stirring the potion. “I just… I want you to know, I really didn’t want to tell your father that you got me the portkey. But… it got very scary… I didn’t want him to…” she cut herself off, “he forced me to tell him the truth.”





“Are you going to help me with the potion or what?” He only said darkly, eyes fixed on the potion. She hesitated and added the next ingredient and then paused to let him stir through.

“Why did you lie yesterday? Why did you take all the blame? You didn’t have to do that.”





“Yes, I had to!” he suddenly exclaimed, looking up with hateful eyes boring into hers.





“Why?”





“Are you doing anything for my father right now? Are you on some kind of mission?” He asked back. She hesitated.





“Go ahead, tell me, I won’t tell on my own father, will I?”





“I need to make polyjuice potion to get into Gryffindor tower.”





Draco snorted: “And I keep you from doing that because I got into a fight with you, which got us here in detention tonight.” She only looked at him confused so he continued: “I mustn’t interfere. And I certainly mustn’t get you into detention which keeps you from doing your job and worse draws attention to you. If my father hears that I got you into detention…” He stopped and started stirring furiously. She kept looking at him. She wanted to lay her hand on his shoulder. She wanted to give him a kiss.





“Then what? What does he do to you, Draco?” She asked carefully. He looked at her again, pure hatred still there in his eyes: “It would help things if you got to work, so we can get out of here as soon as possible.” He paused and looked ahead to the closed office door, “Go get the other ingredients from the storage and get what you need for the polyjuice potion as well. You won’t get a better opportunity. Go!” She hesitated a moment, then she hurried out of the classroom. A moment she breathed deeply in and out. She had to focus. She could not think about Draco’s situation at the moment, he was right; she would not get a better opportunity. She walked down the hallway. The storage was the next door down. It was open, of course it was. Snape wanted her to go in and take ingredients from here. It was ok for her to do so, no need to be sneaky about it. The only thing she needed to be sneaky about was putting boomslang skin and lacewing flies into her pocket.





She looked around and spotted everything she needed. She took a jar of dried dragon tongue and a vial of buck blood extracts and let a small vial of lacewing flies drop into her pocket. She had the same feeling as when she was in Dumbledore’s office. It could not have been easier. She really would have thought being a thief was harder. When she had everything she walked back to the potions class room and lined the ingredients up on the desk for Draco to add them. Of course she left her stolen goods in her pocket. Then she started cutting the dragon’s tongue and relaxed. She had done it.





Shortly later the office door opened again. Out of the corner of her eyes Kirsty saw Snape standing in the door, watching them, but she tried to ignore it. She and Draco didn’t talk. Did he expect them to socialise or something?



“Miss Flame, do you have a moment?” Se suddenly asked. She looked at Draco, instantly she felt found out, she had to relax, Snape could not possibly know she had stolen from him. Draco only took his eyes of the potion once to look at her. She couldn’t read his expression; it was something between indifference, accusation and worry, which was rather odd.





“Yes, Professor.” She answered and walked towards him, still keeping her eyes turned back to the potion as though she had an important job watching it. However when she stepped into the office and Snape closed the door she had nowhere to look. She had to appear as though she had done nothing wrong, so she forced herself to look at him, she managed to fix her eyes on his chest that should do.





“What is it, Sir?” She asked, trying to be as open as possible, she hoped that would avoid suspicion. He took his time walking across the room to stand next to his desk.





“I was wondering if there is … anything …you want to tell me?” He said simply.





He knew, she thought panicking inside, he knew! Why else would he ask so randomly?! He knew and he was letting her walk into the trap with open eyes. She pulled herself together, maybe not; maybe she was paranoid as always about being found out. How could he know? Besides he was her Head of House and she had given him a lot to worry about lately, so why should he not simply ask if she was ok?





She shook her head: “No …I’m really sorry about fighting with Draco… it just sort of happened… I actually think he’s quite nice.” She though it was a good idea to bring up a subject herself. He only looked at her with his deep black eyes.



“How sweet.” He stated and paused, “May I ask you to empty your pockets?” Now panic took over her. She stood still as a stature. So he knew. She was finally busted for good.





“You heard me, Miss Flame. Empty your pockets.” He said ever so quietly. She gasped for air and managed to hold back the tears that burned to break out. She wanted time to stop right now.





“Why?” She asked, her voice shaking, in an attempt to slow everything down, to what use she did not know. He came one step closer.





“Because I told you to.” Her hand moved as slowly as she could manage into her pocket where it gripped the boomslang skin. In that moment a terrible bang and the sound of metal hitting the floor sounded from the classroom. Kirsty shook with her hand still gripped around the vial in her pocket. Snape seemed to hesitate only a tiny moment, in which he wanted to ignore the bang and keep dealing with Kirsty but then he rushed to the door anyway.

Kirsty didn’t move, she stared at the desk and gripped the vial in her pocket tightly.



“What are you doing?!” She heard Snape shouting outside in the classroom. Draco mumbled some kind of excuse why his caldron had exploded. She knew right away, he had distracted Snape on purpose. She quickly looked around the room, this was her chance. She hurried to a shelve beside her and hastily hid her stolen ingredients behind some big jars, then she rushed back to where she had been standing, with her hands in her pockets, not a moment to soon, then Snape came back in and angrily banged the door behind him.



“Enough of this.” He hissed, “Empty your pockets now!” She moved her hands demonstratively in her pockets and pulled them back out.



“I have got nothing in my pockets, Sir” She explained, looking past him. She could tell from the sound of his voice that he was angry. She was too afraid of him now to even face his direction. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him stepping towards her, so he was right beside her like a tall, black shadow. Then he stated again, with the thunder suppressed, so devilishly quiet: “Miss Flame, I am starting to get the impression that you are asking for a decent trip across my knee.”





She felt herself blushing furiously and hoped he didn’t notice. He wasn’t threatening her literally, was he? Surely the Headmaster didn’t allow him to do that, would he? Maybe he would if he knew it was her who had stolen from him, too.





“I haven’t done anything, Sir.” She whispered and could not hold back the tears any longer. They silently rolled down her cheek. Being bad really only was fun when nobody knew about it.





“I know you took something from my personal store, something that was not meant for the sleeping potion, something that was clearly visible filling out your pockets, after you returned from the storage!” She only shook her head in return.





“I will easily find out what you have taken by counting my stock. And I will know what you are secretly trying to brew and then …”



“If you are missing something anyone could have taken it.” She blurted out still not daring to turn his direction. It was quiet, she tensed, for a moment she instinctively expected to be beaten but she remembered she was at Hogwarts where such things didn’t happen, “The storage was open to anyone. …I haven’t taken anything… Sir”, she added quietly.

He remained silent for a long moment, then he said all focused and so damn quiet again: “How very convenient for you. …You haven’t by any chance developed some kind of kleptomania lately, have you? After all there already there is something that has gone missing at Hogwarts lately.” She knew he was speaking about the Book of Forgotten Curses. How could he make this connection?! There was no evidence she kept telling herself to prevent panic from breaking out again.





“Sir, I don’t understand why you say that. I haven’t stolen anything. Can I go now?” Her voice did not sound as cold and reassuring as she wanted at all. She was still fighting with the break out of loud uncontrolled sobbing.





“Yes, get out of here before I forget Hogwarts humane rules of how to deal with lying and stealing students.”





She wanted to repeat that she was not lying but she thought it better just to disappear and not insist on something that he seemed to know was a lie. But as she hurried towards the office door he stepped into her way once more and now she had to face him.





“I know for a fact that you are lying to me. Don’t you believe you get away with that. Here is the only advice I have for you. What ever you are involved in, stop it. Or otherwise I might not be able to help you one day, when you need me to.”





She stared at him and squeezed past him as fast as she could. She only wanted to get out of there; she couldn’t even try to comprehend what he just had said. She ignored Draco and run out of the classroom. Draco only looked after her and remained silent. She ran straight to her dormitory, closed the curtains on her bed and curled up, hugging herself. She felt pathetic. Who was she kidding, she was not some glamorous Death Eater, she was just a lying thief, a really pathetic one on top of that. She closed her eyes; she wanted to be with Lucius right now. As strange as it would seem, when she was with him she felt better than she was.