Save Me From My Pain

Epilogue

Albus and Hermione went into Severus’ chambers and Remus handed Albus two unopened letters. Albus handed one of them to Hermione. She saw her name written in Severus’ neat handwriting and felt another tear stream down her face. With shaky hands, she opened the letter. She started reading it and didn’t even notice when her legs gave out beneath her and she dropped to her knees.


Dearest Hermione,

If you are reading this, then I have in fact taken my life. I need you to understand some things about me before you will ever even begin to accept this.

When I found you that night, I felt like my heart had been ripped from my body. I was determined to help you and give you a chance to live a happy life. I achieved this because I helped to remove Draco from your life. The day that we sent Draco to the Ministry, when you flung your arms around me and I held you, I wanted to tell you how much I cared, I wanted to kiss you so much in that moment. At that moment, I knew I loved you. I forced myself to make it through the next week, for your sake, knowing I would never be able to have you that way. You know, they say that it’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does and I’d never thought it true until I realized that I loved you and you loved me.

I knew that I would never be able to give you everything you’d deserve, but I knew you’d try. I knew that you loved me, even though you hadn’t told me until tonight. You have no idea how much I’d wanted to open that door and make you come back. It was driving me crazy inside, not being allowed to have you, yet being so close to you. I knew that something had to be done about it. Because I would not have been able to give myself fully to you, I did the thing that would solve the problem. I took my life so that you could live. I hope you can understand that.

I was never meant to fall in love, I was not allowed. All my life I’d been denied love, that’s what ignited my desire to join Voldemort, I was never loved, so I wanted power. If you’ve learned anything about me at all in the 10 years that we’ve known each other, it should be that I don’t do well with emotions. I’ve never been an easy person to be around, many people could verify that. I’ve done many things to prove that I don’t love, things like what I did to that woman, and worse, yet I managed to falllovelove with you. A part of me does regret what I’d done, but then again, if I hadn’t chosen that path I wouldn’t have been the man that fell in love with you, the man that helped you get away from Draco, the man you fell in love with. So even though I hate myself for what I did, I’m grateful that my past helped you.

Hermione, I only have one thing to ask of you. Don’t let your love for me hold you back from loving another. Again, I died so that you could live. I don’t want you to forget me, but I don’t want you to stop living because I’m not physically with you anymore. Albus has said before that death is just the next great adventure, and I am ready to embrace it.

Remember to live Hermione. I love you.

Severus


Hermione stopped crying, stood up, and walked to the bathroom, the letter clutched in her hand. She knelt down beside Severus.

“I love you Severus. I will never forget you and I will try to live, but it will not be an easy task without you.”

Hermione kissed Severus softly on his lips, then stood back up. She walked into his chambers to see Albus and Remus staring intently at her. Hermione felt herself shaking and the tears returning. Remus stepped forward and embraced her in a friendly hug.

“It will be all right Hermione,” he whispered to her.

“I know Remus, it’s just going to be hard.” Hermione said into his chest.


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“NO!” Hermione screamed, stumbling to stand from her chair.

Severus can not be dead, he just can’t! Hermione thought, shaking her head.

Hermione looked at the clock. It was only 8 o’clock. She’d missed dinner. She was still wearing her clothes from the trial and the book she’d been reading was on the ground.

“It was only a dream, it was only a dream!” She reassured herself. More like a nightmare. Well, I should probably go and meet Severus.

Hermione went into her bathroom to freshen up before grabbing her cloak and walking out of her chambers and down to the dungeons. The dream was still fresh in her mind when she knocked on the door.

“Come in.” She heard Severus shout from inside the office. She opened the door and went inside.

“Hermione. Are you all right?”

Hermione closed the door, but stayed in front of it. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“Your welcome, it’s just I noticed you weren’t at dinner.”

“I fell asleep reading a book.”

“You sure you’re all right?”

She smiled gently at him. “Yes, thank you for caring. It really means a lot.”

Severus closed the space between them and took her hand in his.

“I care more than you think.”

Hermione looked up into his eyes and saw that he was being entirely truthful.

She looked away, a light blush staining her cheeks. “You do?”

“Yes, let’s go into my sitting room where we can talk comfortably.”

With that he led Hermione into his sitting room, which surprisingly looked exactly as it did in her dream. He motioned for her to sit in one of the chairs in front of the fire. They sat in a content silence for a few minutes.

“Would you like some tea?” He asked, rising to get some tea.

She looked at him and smiled. “Tea sounds wonderful.”

He came back a few moments later with a tray of tea in his hands. He handed her a glass.

“Thank you.”

Severus sat back in his chair, drinking his tea.

“Severus,” Hermione started gently, “I need you to know that I don’t blame myself for what has happened anymore.”

Severus looked up at her.

“Hermione,” Severus’ expression was unreadable. He got up and went to her chair, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands in his. “I love you.”

Hermione was at a loss for words. She felt a tear slip from her eye, which he kissed away. Hermione stood up, as did Severus. She looked in his eyes, then stood on her toes and kissed him on his surprisingly soft lips.

“I love you too Severus Snape.”