The Pains of Becoming

A bit late I know, but here it is, probably my personal favourite chapter so far!

One reason for that is that this chapter took me by surprise! -Always a magical experience!

But especially the bit where Lucius starts talking about her family. That entire thing was not planned and just happened. I meant for her to have some good sex with him at that point and somehow it just didn’t want to happen. And as I went a bit deeper into both characters and thought of what might come up to turn things around, this just wrote itself, and I am glad cause it takes the story to a new level I think.



Donotmesswithmysnape:

Hi again! (chapter 9 and 10 should both be in the Snape/OFC section now)

Yeah, he IS evil! And I love him that way. Let me quote Jason Isaacs and say “Complete ruthlessness. There is nothing he wouldn’t do.” –that quote often makes me dream strange things at night… sigh.

And yeah, I think Kirsty’s growing obsession with him starts to have or maybe has had from the start a stockholm syndrome touch.



MidnightLilly:

Wow, I love your name!

And yeah, you might be right, or if he doesn’t kill her he would make sure the child will never be born or dies before it can say “Daddy”. Sigh… he’s a really bad man….



Mary Jane:

I love your reviews!!

You will find I have answered your review under your own this time, to not take up to much space here and bore everyone. But please don’t hold back! ;)





Anyway, enjoy everyone and review please!



And support Sajahi with the strength of your minds, she is fighting a war against technology at the moment and we need her to win, cause she, as you know, is betaing this story ;)

Sajahi, you have my sword and my axe and my bow and may the force be with you and how it all goes…









Chapter 10

A Matter of Blood and Family



After he was gone she lay there on the cold floor for a long time. She decided that nothing would get to her right now, she was playing dead. But eventually her body was screaming for attention, for a better place to lie, for food and water. Slowly she forced herself up. She spotted her skirt lost on the floor and she picked it up to clean the floor with it. How was he going to know how she got rid of the mess? Did he even care? She didn’t care. After that she noticed a comfy looking sofa and walked over to it to drop herself on it. It felt so much better. She stayed there for a while, her hunger increased and she started to shiver from the cool air, the fire in the fireplace had finally gone out. How long was he going to leave her there?





The doors opened eventually again, but it wasn’t Lucius. A particularly short house elf walked in, it seemed rather nervous as it looked around for her. She got up from the sofa:





“Hello.”





The elf seemed rather disturbed and only held a robe towards her. It was a thin satin robe, she felt much to dirty for it but she put it on anyway to cover herself. The elf remained silent and only motioned its hand, she was to follow. She did. The elf was very slow and she followed it through a long dark corridor. Everything was very gloomy, but the walls were covered in rich fabrics. The elf opened another door and motioned her inside. It was a middle sized bathroom with a big tub in it. When she turned back to the door she only saw the house elf leaving and closing the door behind her, she also heard the door locking. She looked around for a moment, but then she breathed out in relief. A bath would be brilliant right now, so she filled the big tub with hot water and foam, took off the robe and sank in. She felt a lot better only moments after.





But it didn’t take long at all until she heard the door being unlocked and opened. Lucius walked in, he had a bottle in his hand. He looked her over for a moment and then sat down on the chair next to the tub. She tensed and shyly fixed her eyes on her knees, which she pulled protectively towards her chest. The Cruciatus curse had left an impression with her. He opened the bottle and filled a fancy goblet with what seemed to be red wine. He held it towards her. She only looked at it for a moment and then back at him fearfully. He waited, and then he said:





“I am not poisoning you, stupid girl, what did I tell you about trust?” He took a sip from the goblet himself and turned it back to her and waited for her to take it but she only glared. He sighted quietly, “And it really is so simple, if you are good, you get treated well, if you’re bad you get punished. After you are punished, there is nothing for you to worry about.” He hesitated before looking at her, “At least until the next time you… step out of line.”





She hesitantly took the goblet and took a small sip. It really was wine. He took it away from her to have another gulp himself then he looked at her. He seemed a bit different , like he had forgotten to put on his usual fake politeness, or the pure anger that he usually showed when not in the mood for politeness, instead he seemed a bit lost in thought as he trailed his fingers through the hot water. She twitched slightly as though she expected to get electrocuted as soon as he made contact with the water. As supple as her motion was, he noticed it and caught her eye.





“Trust, my pet,” he said again rather absently, “don’t you think it’s very generous of me to share wine with you and give you access to my bathroom like this?” She nodded quietly, staring at her knees. Was this Malfoy Manor, she wondered? Would he ever take her where his family lived? This place seemed so empty. He took another gulp from the goblet and refilled it to offer it to her again. She took it and took a proper gulp. The liquid ran down her tired and dry throat and gave her a lovely, warming feeling.





“Thank you.” She said quietly. She was very scared of him right now, the meaning of the word “Trust” that he seemed to find so important, just would not come to her. She wanted him to be proud of her again. She wanted to please him, so he would be nice to her again and maybe reward her. He was not at all cruel to her now, but his unpredictability seemed to be stronger than ever.





“Are you feeling better then?” he asked, it seemed almost like he really cared. She hesitated, did she feel better? Better than what? Better than when she was under the Cruciatus? Everything felt better than that, but did she feel better in general? She was confused. She only stared. He sighed and took another sip and handed the goblet back to her. She took it and swallowed again.





“I don’t really like Crucio...” he said softly, before trailing off, “I know some people who are obsessed with it. They seem to have so much fun with it,” he stared into space, “but I don’t really favour it,” he looked straight at her; “it is too... impersonal.” There was an odd quiet moment, he dipped his fingertips into the hot water again, her eyes followed every little movement of his hand in the tub.





“It’s the same with the Imperius Curse. What is the point of making someone act against their will, if it’s just because of a simple curse?” He smiled in his fake way, “There are other ways, much more effective and true. … I suppose I am just not a fan of the Unforgivables,” he hesitated, “but then again, I really do like the Killing Curse”, he stared away again into space, she kept focusing on his hand in the water, “killing is a dirty business, but the Avada Kedavra gives it style. It’s so simple and not at all messy.” he sighed lost in thought, after a moment of reflection he caught her eye again. She only looked at him, hiding behind her knees; she had pulled all the way up to her face. What was he trying to say, was he going to kill her? He looked at her for a moment then he gave her the goblet again. She emptied it with three big gulps and handed it back to him. He raised an eyebrow but refilled it without making a comment.





“So what did you learn today?”





“Swallowing.” She said quietly, eyes fixed on her knees.





“Not quite, pet, not quite.” He had another sip himself and then he spoke, “Time to get out.” He put the bottle on the floor next to his chair and walked over to a second door on the side.



“Get dried up and come through.” He said and left through the door, closing it behind him.

She hesitated a moment. What was going to happen next? She was so tired of not knowing. She was not ready for any more lessons she thought desperately. And the hot water made her want to stay in the tub forever. But she knew better than to ignore him, so she forced herself out of the comforting warmth, dried herself up and put on the robe. She hesitated a moment, would she make him angry by covering herself up again? Would that be denying him access to her body or something? A voice inside her told her it would be safer without the robe; surely he would not take offence from her being naked? But when she attempted to pull the robe back off her naked shoulders, she almost felt pain, a strange mental pain; she just did not want to be so exposed again now. Maybe it would be vital for her to feel comfortable now, to be able to make the right decisions. And maybe she was not supposed to be naked at all now, then he might just laugh at her. Or were there other people as well behind that door? She hated being this much in the dark. She decided to leave the robe on, if he wanted her to take it off she would and she was also going to tell him what she felt.





She pulled herself together and opened the door. She looked around carefully before she entered. It was another middle sized room, with thick carpets, rather gloomy as well, and there was a big four poster in the middle on one side. Lucius was standing by the fireplace emptying the goblet again and turning to her.





“Come in, pet.”





She took note that his wand within the cane was leaning on the wall beside the fireplace, it would be in reach for him if he wanted to use it, but he was obviously not planning to threaten her with it right now. She was also relieved that no one else was there.





“Do you want me to take it off?” she asked quietly, tugging on her robe. She wanted to get this cleared up before he would be angry because she’d done the wrong thing. He smiled and put the empty goblet on the fireplace.





“No, that’s alright,” he said and added reassuringly, “but you are learning quickly, pet, well done.” His praise gave her a tiny glimmer of hope.





“May I say something?” She whispered.





“Of course.” He nodded and stepped a bit closer to her, to be able to understand her better. She swallowed on her dry throat and looked past him as she spoke;





“I want to please you… and I want to be of use to the death eaters. I… I’m just not always sure… how you expect me to behave and... I just… I just want you to know, if I... misbehave it is only because I didn’t know better... I want you to be pleased with me.”





“I understand” he said coming closer to her, “and I want you to know,” he stood opposite her now and his hand trailed over the hem of her robe, down her shoulder to her belly, “that when I correct you, it is only to make you understand. I know I have been hard on you today, but you have learned so much already.”





She shook her head: “I don’t know.”





His lips silenced her; it was like in her fantasy. He softly grazed her lips with his, making her want so much more. But he removed himself from her again and looked her in the eyes. She felt herself blush deeply; he smiled arrogantly at her, then took her arm and walked her over to the bed. His sudden lover-like gentleness unnerved her, he turned her to face him again and his hands slid softly over the fabric of her robe, she dropped her head to not have to look at him, but he tilted her head up again and kissed her neck. His right hand ran down her back and stroke over her bottom, his left hand rubbed softly on her hip. She started feeling very weak again. She dared to touch him and started shyly to explore his body. But then he stepped back a little bit, first she got worried he might be angry about her touching him and she held her breath, but that seemed not to be the case, for he simply started opening his black satin shirt and threw it on a near by chair. She looked at his naked chest. The only word that came to her mind was “perfect”. He was perfect. But she got distracted when he stepped closer again and pulled her robe off her shoulders. It fell to the ground and left her naked again. She only looked back at him, was she good enough for him? She was not perfect like he was.





“Am I good enough for you?” She heard herself asking. He seemed irritated at her question.





“Well no. You’re not. But how does that matter?” She tried to comprehend and ignore the crushed feeling inside her.





“I’m not sure I understand.” He glared at her for a moment, then he said in an odd, quiet voice that she could not identify;





“You could never be good enough for me. That name you carry, Flame, it is soiled with betrayal and disposal. …Your name is a reminder for all the Great wizarding families, how they can go downhill if there is weakness within and no sense of tradition, community and pride,” his voice was full of disgust, “but then again I can not blame you for using this name, when the other option would be to take on your muggle father’s name. …Your mother deserved what she got, …mixing with muggles….”





“No!” Kirsty shouted, tears suddenly filled her eyes and she was shaking. He only looked at her.





“You don’t agree? Of course, you are only a child and your mother is dead …you must love your muggle father…after all he is the only...”





“No! I hate him!” She shouted she was so angry she did not care that she had interrupted him.

“I hate him” she repeated now almost whispering, shaking with anger, “and my mother did not deserve what she got.”





“Well, I suppose we will just have to disagree on that point,” he paused, “now be a good little whore and get on the bed.”





She turned her head to the bed and stared at it, trying to calm down her sudden rage. A moment ago she would have been exited to follow his demand, but now she found herself not able to obey. She only stared back at him. He grabbed her arm and pushed her on the bed; he followed her immediately and held her down as he came over her.





“Lesson Number two,” he pushed her legs apart and forced two fingers inside her, she squirmed in discomfort, “you are mine and I will fuck you when and how I like and I owe you nothing.” He started pushing his fingers further in pulled back and then push in again roughly, rubbing over her most sensitive spot with his palm. Right now she did not want him there, he scared her and right now she hated him but somehow as he continued it gave her an odd feeling that started to develop into desire for him to continue, but she tried to deny it to herself. He was on top of her now and sometimes her naked body made contact with his incredibly soft skin, but his voice continued right next to her ear;





“I don’t mind fucking half-bloods and sometimes I fuck mudbloods and muggle women, too. We had some nice revels in the old days; the Dark Lord knew how to throw a good party. Sometimes I’d kill the girl right afterwards, or I’d pass her on. And sometimes I take a young pureblood girl to bed. But you need to understand, that that is never the same thing. There a huge differences between fucking you or a muggle girl or a pureblood. You have potential to be one of us. But you are not one of mine. Don’t you ever get it into your head that we are the same. We are not.”





“Stop it”, she cried. Her body wanted him to continue, but her mind could take no more of this. He ignored her. She grabbed his hand that was still working away at her and she tried to push him off her. He pulled away and slapped her face.





“Lesson number three. Learn to submit and obey.”





She didn’t listen, till he pushed her firmly back into the mattress by grabbing her throat and keeping her in place. He didn’t squeeze, but she was so scared he would she instantly froze and stared at him wide-eyed.





“I despise this.” He hissed staring down at her, “I don’t want some hysterical girl in my bed.”

He pulled her up by her throat and threw her off the bed. She landed painfully on the floor and crawled quickly away from him into the corner where she felt more protected.





“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She stammered in fear he was going to curse her again or even kill her.

He got up and came after her. Wordlessly he pulled her up by the hair and dragged her into another room. He didn’t bother letting her stand up, he just pulled her after him and dropped her again in the next room. It was a very small, dark room with only a small window near a corner. But outside it was pitch-black. The room was empty otherwise. She curled up crying bitterly.





“You will have to make up for this.” He spat and left, locking the door behind him. Kirsty hugged herself tightly. How she had messed things up! Lucius had been very gentle with her and he had wanted to take her to bed, it wouldn’t have been like the first time, no, he had even given her pleasure, but she had not wanted it, she could not stand it after he had told her very clearly that he would never see her as an equal. But had she really expected he would? Now as she thought about what she had done, refusing and fighting him, a lump built in her throat and she thought with dread of the moment when she would hear that door unlock again. Surely he was going to curse her again. She could not survive much more of the Cruciatus, she thought. How could she bring herself into this situation? Most of the time she wanted nothing more but to please him! It was what he had said about her mother. He had told her that her mother had deserved what she got.





Kirsty didn’t care much about anything in the world these days, but she cared about her dead mother. As far as she could remember her mother had been the best, most caring person in the world and the only mistake she had ever made was in whom she loved. Her mother’s family had been very well known and respected in the wizarding world, maybe just as powerful as the Malfoys and the Blacks, but that was a long time ago, no one remembered the Flames now, there weren’t many of them left. Kirsty’s mother had been the only child in her family and to the dismay of her parents she fell in love with a muggle, Kirsty’s father.





Kirsty’s mother was murdered when Kirsty was ten years old. Until this day the crime had never been solved. Many people believed that it was a cousin of hers who was angry about her breaking the bloodline, but there was no proof. Her family on the other hand blamed Kirsty’s father as the killer. Kirsty was glad to be able to go to Hogwarts a year later, since staying with her father in the muggle world was not an option for her. Her father never cared for the wizarding world and even ignored his wife’s nature as best as he could. Kirsty had hardly any contact with him now; she stayed at Hogwarts over the holidays when ever she could. And when she visited home, it was like they were two strangers living in the same house.





Kirsty tried to not take it personally, she kept telling herself it was simply too hard for him to understand what it was like to have magical powers. She tried so much not to hate her father, he was not a bad man; he had never harmed anyone as far as she knew. But when she looked at herself she was something imperfect because of him. A precious, powerful bloodline messed up and destroyed by a muggle, and all that was represented in one person, her. When ever she thought about her father she got a terrible unsympathetic feeling towards muggles, as though her father represented all of them and ultimately a part of herself, and that was something she would never be able to let anyone at Hogwarts know, that was why she belonged in the shadows.



*



She huddled in the dark room wondering what would happen to her, after her earlier disobedience. She was not left to wonder for very long, she soon heard the lock at the door open. She tensed up and pressed herself into the corner of the room as far away from the door as possible. The door opened slowly and Lucius was leaning casually in the doorway. He was dressed again and seemed frighteningly calm. She noticed the wand in his hand right away. He tapped his thigh with it.





“Now, since we both have … calmed down a bit: What was lesson three again, pet? Remind me.”





“Submit and Obey.” She whispered keeping her eyes fixed on the wand.





“That’s right. And as I recall, I think we have been a very much non-submissive and disobedient girl, haven’t we?”





She nodded and looked up at him; “You’re going to punish me again.”





“Don’t you think you deserve it?” He asked.





“I can’t take another Crucio”, She glared at the floor in front of her, “I will be good now. I will make up for it.”





“So you… regret your little tantrum?”





She nodded, eyes fixed on the floor, “Yes Sir.”





“I explained to you how it was all very simple.” He paused. She did not dare to look up now, was he going to let it go? But then he spoke again. “Good behaviour will be rewarded, bad behaviour will be punished. I like it being simple. I don’t want to make things… complicated.” She heard him mutter a spell that was not familiar to her, and the next moment she felt cold and hard metal tightly around her neck. She squeaked in shock and touched for her neck, it was a metal collar and now she noticed that a chain, connected to it bound her closely to the wall.





“I think you should just stay here, until you can accept and appreciate your punishment.” He waved his wand dismissively at the small window and the stone frame around it simply squashed it and formed a solid wall. The glass of the shattered window fell all over the floor of the room and Kirsty hid her face protectively in her hands.



“Be careful about lying down.” He advised her; before he closed the door and left her in the now pitch black room.





“No! Please!” She cried after him slightly panicked, hoping he’d hear her and return but it remained dark, “Please, Mr Malfoy! I’ll do everything! I’m going to be good! Please!” But only silence answered her. He was gone and she had the feeling that he was not going to come back any time soon. Kirsty felt another wave of hysteria come over her, but she tried to suffocate it before it would take her over, there was nothing she could do and breaking into panic in a dark room with a floor covered in glass would not be pleasant. She carefully tried to lie down, hoping there was no glass underneath her. The chain let her lower her head only onto her arm, very near the wall, she was not able to move or turn.





Again she brought this onto herself she thought, getting upset and angry with herself. Why did it have to upset her so much, that he though her mother had deserved to die? What did it matter? Her mother was dead. It was over and the only person that was not over it was her. Lucius Malfoy had nothing to do with this. He could think what he wanted; it didn’t change anything and if she could gain anything from her liaisons with him then that was worth more than ignoring his opinion on her mother. Her mother was dead his opinion could do her no harm! Why in Merlin’s name did she disobey him? He was her chance to change her life, to become someone and she disappointed him. It really was simple she realised and the clearness of everything started to sink in. If she did not anger him there was nothing to be worried about and he might even make her feel good. She had to give up her silly little issues and finally commit to her new life. She wanted to submit to him, it seemed there was nothing more worthy to do for her but submit to Lucius Malfoy and serve him and please him and make him proud of her.





Right now she had put herself in a bad situation, but she would change that, it was all up to her, she knew that now. She tried to turn uncomfortably and cried out as she felt a sharp piece of glass cutting her side.