For all Joy wants Eternity

For all Joy wants Eternity
Chapter 10


Severus watched his hand shivering badly as he reached
for his wand. His fingers cramped slightly as they curled
around the medium of his magic, telling their own story of
this day\'s strains that he had thought finally lay
behind him, now that he had been able to retire to his
rooms at last. It was half past eight in the evening, and
the relief the spy felt, now that what would probably be the longest day
of his life was about to come to an end, was
almost physical. Classes, the further duties of a teacher
and head of house during a school day, and the struggle for
composure, as well as the need to hide the impoverishment of his
mind and body, especially during his meeting with Dumbledore,
had demanded more than his hopelessly exhausted, hurting
body and this slowly collapsing mind of his had been able
to give. He had gone beyond his limits today by forcing
himself to ignore the mental and physical state the night
he had spent in the Dark Lord\'s presence had left him in,
but he was willing to pay the price for this decision. It
was part of what his choices had made of his life, part of
this grotesquerie that was his existence, just another
chapter of it all that only led him closer to an undoubtedly
very degrading end. Last night had shown him the level of
physical and mental humiliation he was able to survive - he
didn\'t even dare to think about what the treatment he one day
would not be able to endure was going look like.

His glance reed ted to his wand, still in the wet, unsteady
grip of his shivering fist. Silently waiting. Waiting for
him to use it. To *do* something.

But he was not able to tell for the life of him what this
something was.

Severus closed his eyes with a barely audible groan that
vibrated with despair more than anything else.
Salazar Slytherin\'s serpent! Only some moments ago, before
he had allowed his weary mind to take him down that scary
path of thoughts, he had *known* the reason. It had made
sense to pick up this wand. No, it had been necessary. Magic
had been needed, here, in this very room...

The spy\'s dry throat constricted violently in the face of this
merciless evidence of the alarmingly disasterous state his
mind obviously was in. Only someone who knew how much
value Severus Snape attached to his mental abilities, who was
familiar with how significant his wits, usually sharp as a
dagger, were for the spy, could suspect the unbearable
despair the Slytherin was going through right now, now that
along with his body, his mind was failing him as well. That
slowly collapsing flesh was something he, Severus, could deal
with, since it wasn\'t *his* flesh anymore anyway. But his brain
had been something the Dark Lord had not yet invaded; it still
belonged to him, and he was dead determined to keep it; it
was all he had left, all that remained. It was all that defined
him now.

Almost able to taste fear and frustration in his mouth, Severus
forced his burning, heavy eyelids open again and frantically
searched the room for some hint, racked his brain for anything
that would tell him what he had been about to do just a few
minutes ago. But his body, pleading desperately for rest, for finally
being allowed to forget about this day and leave it
behind for at least a few hours of oh so badly needed sleep,
pleading for it with every single nerve, doing so more insistently
every minute, sabotaged all of his weak consciousness\'s feeble
attempts to go back to work. Drove the Slytherin into a vicious
circle of trying too hard, failing, trying even harder, failing
again, the whole time fighting the panicky certainty of being just
about to lose his mind.

Until a low, somehow familiar sound broke through to him. A
soft, but insistent knock at the door. The door to his rooms...
Somewhere in Severus woke the infallible certainty that he had
already heard that sound earlier this evening.

And suddenly everything fell into place.

With beads of persperation still shining on his forehead, with
the shivering of his fingers having spread to his entire body,
but wand still in his hand, the Slytherin slowly rose from his
seat and finally did what he had already intended to minutes
ago, what had made him grab for his wand after he had heard that
knock on his door for the first time. And when he had lowered the
magical wards at last, when the door slowly opened, letting a soft
glow of warm light dance in, Severus turned back to his armchair
and mentally prepared for the time he would now have to spend with
Remus Lupin.


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The mug Remus had used as an excuse to come here tonight stood on
the table that separated the two of them. It had done so for some
moments now, and Remus could feel how the opportunity he had
fought hard for was passing by. Passing by without his taking
advantage of it. The Slytherin on the other side of the table
embodied rejection, retreating more, growing colder with
every second that went by, and the werewolf knew that he actually
had no justification to be here are. re. If he didn\'t want
Severus to send him out of his quarters any moment now,
he had to act. Something had to happen soon. Had to happen now.

So why not come up with the truth?

Partly because he knew this would make the spy feel more
comfortable than the table between them already had, partly
because this would buy him the few more seconds that he needed to
order his own, swirling thoughts, Remus deliberately turned
around and took a few steps into the dimly-lit room before he
faced the Slytherin again, his features totally sober, his
throat completely dry. He had tried to picture this moment
for some time now, had struggled with the opening words over and
over again in his mind, but still he had not been able to
find a sentence thidn\idn\'t sound stupid or patronizing,
pitying or arrogant. He had known that it would be exceptionally
difficult to directly confront Severus with his
perceptions, premonitions, and awarness concerning the spy\'s
mental and physical condition.

But now that he was actually about to do exactly that, he
realized that it was going to be even harder than he had anticipated.

Which was, exactly, when the Slytherin, now a few meters away
from him, did Remus the most amazing favour of taking over
responsibility for the upcoming conversation himself.

\"I have no idea what you\'re waiting for, Lupin, but as you
undoubtedly know, I\'m not up to my usual standards at all
tonight.\" Remus saw Severus close his eyes for a moment before
the spy went on. \"Since *I* know, though, that this mug here
is anything but the true reason for your visit, would you
please be so kind as to say or do whatever is on your mind,
so we can get this most ridiculous situation over and done with
as quickly as possible?\"

So here they were.

The Gryffindor felt tension creeping up his spine, and
determination welling up inside of him at the same time. So this
was the way it would finally happen, and even though Remus was
quite sure he would *not* have chosen to begin like that, he
also had to admit to himself that he had not really been able to
think of an acceptable alternative either.

Time to get over and done with it.

Never taking his eyes off the other\'s face, sharpening all of
his senses to be able to detect any alarming changes in Severus\'s
aura and throwing all caution to the winds, Remus watched himself
try, refusing to lose time with ineffective and pointless
preliminary remarks. He knew he had to make a good job of this.
He knew this would be his first and only opportunity. No room for
showing signs of uncertainty or scruples. No room for mistakes.

\"All right, then I will keep the introduction short, Severus. I
will not resort to questions this time because I know I\'m not
among those you\'d give answers to anyway, even though I\'m afraid
I may be the only one able to come up with the right queries.\"

Not the slightest reaction from the spy to that. The only thing
Remus could sense was an extreme weariness creeping in violent
surges over the landscape of Severus\'s aura, that complex aura
that had changed so very much and still felt painfully twisted to
the werewolf\'s perception. The Gryffindor ignored another pang of
guilt that pierced his conscience, given that he kept the
Slytherin from his badly needed rest, and went on.

\"Let me tell you about the things I perceive. The things I can\'t
help but sense. The changes I can detecet in you, Severus, those
drastic variations of your non-physical being that cut into my
perception every time I see you, and that kept me from recognizing
you the first time we met this summer. I don\'t need looking at
that totally frightening fading of your body which shows in your
features, your eyes, even in the way you move and carry yourself.
I can *feel* that you\'re dwindling, I can feelthat you\'re mentally
and physically suffering like I\'ve never felt anyone suffer before - and
I\'m very well aware of all this getting worse and worse with every
passing week.\"

Remus didn\'t know if the tremor he could sense ripping through the
other man\'s body was a result of his monologue or of the overwhelming
exhaustion he was aware Severus was feeling - and unwillingly
displaying as well. By now the spy had put his hands on the table in front
of him for support, leaning on the piece of furniture with
his entire weight and his uppery bey bent forward, shaking slightly.
But whether it was due to his Slytherin determination and pride, or
to the fact that he, Remus, had managed to trigger something - or to
another reason that painfully called for Remus\'s attention - Severus
was still holding the werewolf\'s gaze with a calmness and decidedness
that totally contradicted the profound weariness that was written all
over bod body and soul. It was those unwavering, watchful eyes along
with the fact that he had gone too far already to stop now which made
Remus continue despite his biting guilty conscience.

\"And I have no idea about the reasons, Severus, but it\'s not only
time that seems to deepen that multifaceted agony of yours.\"

This time, the Gryffindor was very sure that Severus\'s wincing had been
provoked by his comment.

Remus\'s voice grew very gentle.

\"Right now, all that makes you stay upright, all that keeps you from
collapsing right beside that table this very moment, is my sheer
presence in this room - or rather your fear of my presence. Your
panic because I\'m in here with you is palpable, Severus, and it\'s
even stronger than your abysmal exhaustion must be. Every single
nerve of yours is stretched to breaking-point, and I can feel all
your instincts preparing to take flight or fight as soon as I should
give you the slightest reason for it - like coming closer again, for
example.\"

For a very short moment, Remus considered that possibility. The
option of putting the spy under even more pressure than he already
was in order to emphasize his words and perhaps provoke a reaction from
Severus was tempting, but not for long. The acceleration of the
Slytherin\'s breathing, the white knuckles of his hands that had
forcefully grabbed the edge of the table and the fierce tightening
of the other man\'s jaw showed Remus that he had got his point across
clearly enough - and confronted him with another wave of keenly sensed
guilt. He had not come here tonight to expose Severus to even more
tension than the spy already must be under, and he certainly had
not meant to add to the Slytherin\'s torture. Not only because this
man had turned from Voldemort and had been on their side for many years
now, not only because Severus had made an unbelievable sacrifice for
him, the werewolf Remus Lupin, just last night. Mainly Remus shrunk
back from using his knowledge against Severus because of that
undefinable affection the Gryffindor somehow had always felt for the
Slytherin, but had burried deep inside years ago. Now it
seemed that this emotion was shyly raising its beautiful head again.
Revived by last night\'s impossible present that the werewolf had
received.

\"Severus, you don\'t even have to try to deny anything of what I just
told you. It would be pointless, because I know it\'s
the truth. I can feel it is the truth.\"

The Gryffindor stopped, only for an instant, then was urged on by
the infallible awareness that it would never happen if not now.

\"What I don\'t know is what I\'m supposed to make out of this
awareness about your frightening condition. I haven\'t
told anybody yet, but I couldn\'t ignore it anymore either. I know
you don\'t think this is any of my business, but I\'m not able to
close my eyes to what is happening to a...to you. I\'m burdened with
a knowledge I know that you don\'t want me to possess, but I can\'t help
but perceive evidence of your mental and physical collapse every time
we meet. I got caught in this, and I don\'t know how to get out of
it anymore without hurting someone. And I came here for your advice.
I came here for you to tell me what to do about this. I can\'t decide
on my own. I need your help, Severus.\"


----------------------------------------------------------------------


With tears of exhaustion threatening to run down from his eyes any
moment, Severus intensly watched the other man whose features
were totally sober, with honesty and openness written all over the
expressive face.

The Slytherin found it very hard to concentrate. The werewolf\'s
words were swirling in his head in a chaotic and wild vortex, and he
had the feeling that with every second they did so, the sense and
meaning they once had carried was violently being ripped from them.
Sentences lost their structure, words their denotation, all of it
drowned in the bottomless weariness that swamped his consciousness.
But Lupin\'s speech had also left some islands in this dark flood that the
spy knew he would not be able to fight very much longer, islands
of importance, landmarks he could cling to in order to perform his share
of this conversation. And he knew that this was what he wanted to do.
He needed to do. The honesty and openness on the other\'s face deserved
this.

Severus brought all his Slytherin determination to bear and focused
on the few aspects of what Lupin had said that had stuck in his
utterly overtired mind. And to his own amazement he managed to
master his voice, to form sentences, even though far from the
impressive eloquence and elegant phrasing that usually marked his
speech.

\"You said you didn\'t tell anyone?\"

He saw the werewolf give a small nod.

\"Why?\"

For a few moments, there was nothing, no gesture, no word, not even
the slightest sound, before the other man sighed, letting himself sink
against the back of another armchair that stood right behind him.

\"I can\'t give you a reason, Severus, because I don\'t know any myself.
Believe me, it\'s hard for me to admit this, but I simply followed my
instincts on that. I\'ve been searching for a rational foundation for
my decisions concerning you all summer, but this is all I can
offer you - as well as myself. It\'s been nothing but inexplicable
intuition.\"

Taking a long breath, Severus tried to absorb this. None of it made
any sense, did it?

\"Then why don\'t you simply continue...using your intuition? Why ask
for someting like help from *me*? I\'d say your instincts led you well
so far, just keep on following them.\"

The Gryffindor\'s sober eyes drilled deep into the spy\'s which were
violently burning with the desperate plea to finally be allowed to
close.

\"Coming here, I did exactly that, Severus.\"

The Slytherin’s entire body was hurting now. A strange, pulling sensation this was,
as if his muscles were slowly being peeled from their bones. Merlin, he was
done for, he was so tired, so very tired...

\"I cannot continue to simply watch this. I refuse to be a passive
eyewitness of your suffering and fading away. Can\'t you
understand?\"

Even though he was almost completely shattered by now, Severus was still
able to realize that tears were shining in the werwolf\'s eyes when
Lupin went on, in nothing more than a whisper.

\"After what you did for me last night, can you really not understand?\"

He had to make use of the little strength that was still left, of the
little time that he had before he would break down. With one last gathering
of all his willpower, Severus pulled himself together to give verbal
shape to the foggy thoughts that were gliding ghostlike through his head.

\"It seems to me that...you\'ve already made your choice then concerning
how to deal with it all, if you \'refuse to be a passive eyewitness\'...
If you ask me, you don\'t need my help for that decision at all, Lupin.\"
Severus had to stop to moisten his lips with a short, uneasy flick of
his tongue. \"The thing is, that no matter what choices you make, you
won\'t ever be able to do anything more than make choices. There’s nothing you can act upon successfully.\"

His hands had started to shiver again. Severus tried to find the
strength to steady his fingers, to clench his hands into fists at least,
but his body denied him even this small evidence of cooperation. He
wouldn\'t last much longer, he could feel it, was told so by the
fuzziness that had crept into his vision, by the wall of owl down
which seemed to absorb every sound. He shivered under the
cover of chilling sweat that ran down his skin which was hot and dry,
glowing feverishly.

\"I don\'t think it\'s necessary to discuss your observations concerning
my...my condition, and I won\'t disclaim any of the conclusions you\'ve
drawn. As for anyting else...I...I don\'t know myself how to deal with
all this, and I definitely have not the slightest idea what you could
ever do about it.\"

Even through the thick haze of exhaustion the spy was wraped up in now,
he could feel the urgency behind the werewolf\'s whispered words
before Lupin even spoke.

\"I want to help you, Severus!\"

The cruel laugh that wrested itself from the Slytherin\'s chest sounded
more like a helpless wheeze than anything else.

\"Don\'t you listen at all, Lupin - that\'s just the point...You. Can\'t.
Help. Me! There\'s not the slightest thing you can do...Just forget
about your Gryffindor haughtiness and believe the words of an ambitious
Slytherin for once...if there was anything that could help me out of
this, don\'t you think I would have found it by now?\"

The silence that followed was like a warm blanket soothingly covering
the spy\'s aching, totally exhausted body. There was not an ounce of
strength left anymore, he was absolutely pumped out. He had done his
share, more than that, to be honest. This conversation had to end now,
or else Severus was seriously afraid that he might collapse within the next
few moments.

\"If there\'s nothing more, Lupin...I\'d be very grateful if you left now.\"

He could see that the other man was still struggling to
accept his help being denied - or rather the fact that there was no
help at all. Not this time. Not here. Not in this particular case.
Knowing the Gryffindor attitude, Severus knew that for the werewolf,
this was something very difficult to accept.

When Remus finally pushed himself away from the armchair, the spy felt
the same hot wave of relief that had already arisen in him when Lucius
had left this morning without the slightest opposition. Retreating
carefully from the approaching Gryffindor who slowly made his way to
the door, Severus took the risk of giving up the support the table had
offered him so far. His weak, shaking limbs allowed only unsteady
movements, but his legs were still more or less carrying him, so he would
probably manage not to break down in Lupin\'s presence...

The werewolf\'s voice pulled him out of his dark musings once more.
Lupin had already put the Invisibility Cloak over his slender body,
and only his head and one hand lying on the handle of the door were
visible floating in midair. His eyes, now completely dry, were fixed
on Severus again.

\"My offer stands, Severus. Maybe you...well, perhaps one day there will
be a possibility of easing whatever it might be that you have to endure.
And perhaps you\'ll remember me then.\"

The Slytherin watched the werewolf\'s mouth open again after he had
stopped speaking, knew there was more Lupin wanted to say but
never did. With a low \"Good night\", the Gryffindor pulled the hood
of the cloak over his face, and when the door closed again only an
instant later, Severus was alone, finally able to submit to the
overwhelming need of his hopelessly overstrained body and mind.


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During the next week, Severus, never stopped thinking about the
werewolf\'s parting words. He was actually surprised how much of
the conversation he was still able to remember, his alarmingly
exhausted condition that evening notwithstanding. His
memory confronted the spy with what had happened between him
and the Gryffindor that night over and over again, and even though
he was not sure what exactly it was, the certainty that something
*had* happened was shimmering in the back of his consciousness
like a weak, but insistent beacon. Impossible to ignore, for all
the faintness of its light. The honesty behind Lupin\'s will
to somehow relieve his burden had captured the proud Slytherin...
and it didn\'t let go of him again.

So it came to pass that when the Dark Mark\'s flames called Severus
to his former Master the next time, it wasn\'t only Albus Dumbledore
who received an owl along with a short note about the spy being
on his way to fulfill his obligations.

And this time when Severus Apparated from the grip of the Dark
Lord a few hours later, back into the Shrieking Shack, he was neither
surprised nor at all irritated to find Lupin waiting for him there.


Heyho, my dear and very patient readers!!

After two long and most wonderful months at South Africa’s Western Cape and an extremely insistent writing
block after I returned, I finally managed to update FaJwE - as you could see *apologeticgrin*. From now on,
I will do my very best to write and post more regularly…and yes, I know you’ve heard that one before…
promises, promises…;o)


@ @_@: What about those spies in my computer? I’d definitely like to learn
more about *them* ;o)!! But I’m very glad you liked chapter 9.
Thanks a lot!
@jinx: You’re so very right, I’m so annoyingly late with this update - please
indulge me! I hope you got my email…and I’m flattered you’re still
remembering this fic after that long time!
@yumi: Thanks a lot for your review! It’s great to have you with the story, and
I hope I’ll read you again!
@Athena: Even though there was no real blow-out yet, you hopefully
enjoyed chapter 10 – but since there’s been no details
revealed as well, not exactly, who knows, what’s still to come…
Thanks a lot for your very encouraging comments!