The Uneventful Story
01 - My Life Is Shit
The Uneventful Story
By Snowflake Imp
Rated: R
Chapter 01
Disclaimer: Harry
Potter is not mine. If it ever becomes
mine, however, I owe everybody present a Coke.
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Diary entry No. 45, Vol. V
My life is shit.
There, I’ve said it.
I think all that Griffindor pride and fearful optimism has
prevented me from saying it all these years.
That, and I always tried to think of starving babies in third world
countries.
Well, I think it’s high time I got a bit selfish for
once. And I think a lot of self-pity is
due. None of this “Well, I have it
quite well if you really thing about it” business.
So I will say it again.
Hermione Granger’s life, is shit.
Bollocks, that felt grand.
My life, is shit. Shit shit shit shit shit.
Complete and utter SHIT.
…..and now, I shall take an overdue holiday.
Why?
Because my life is shit.
Gods, this is addicting.
Ta.
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The office was abuzz.
Hermione Granger, Head Alchemist for the Ministry’s Department of
Research on Poisons and Cures, was actually taking two weeks off.
“Are you sure she said she’s going on holiday?
that new potion we’re working on?” Amanda Clese whispered to her co-worker.
“She bloody went up to the Minister she did, and told him
she’s going on holiday and if he didn’t like it, he could shove it up his
arse!” he replied, whispering fiercely.
“I….I don’t know what I feel about this at the moment,”
Amanda said faintly, fearing the next bit of news she would hear was that
dinosaurs were still roaming the earth.
“All right people, all right!” a gruff Arthur Weaseley
announced. “Let’s keep our heads about
us!”
People shuffled around him, murmuring, “Yes Minister,”
feebly.
“Now, Dr. Granger is taking a vacation.
she doesn’t deserve it the most. For
all the years she has dedicated to us, not once had she taken a sick leave or left
on holiday. Even during Christmas!”
Arthur began to pace.
“I mean, two years ago, she actually brought paperwork to the
table. The table!
Christmas goose! And it was a delicious
goose, if I dare say. The most
succulent, juiciest – ”
“Minister? If you
could move it along,” his assistant, Alex Grace, nudged him gently.
“Right! We can all
survive two weeks without our resident genius, but it’ll take determination and
teamwork in order for the days to run smoothly. I’ll have Alex check up on you for the next few days, just to
make sure things are alright. If you
need anything, take it up with him.
Dismissed!” Arthur finished, turning smartly back into his office.
The researchers looked at each other nervously, and
reluctantly returned to their work.
“Close the door, my lad,” Arthur whispered urgently,
attempting to look unruffled as he flipped through a few papers on his
desk. He smiled nervously at the
secretary that was walking past.
As soon as the door closed, the papers dropped to the floor
and his head was in his hands.
“Oh, we’re doomed!” he wailed. Alex stoically removed a well-placed handkerchief from his
breast-pocket and handed it to the Minister with practiced ease.
Arthur blew into it unabashedly. “What will we do without her?
She’s the only one who can keep those eggheads together and now that
she’s gone, they’ll be back to concentrating on their own blarmy experiments
and we’ll have parrots with octopus tentacles by noon tomorrow!”
“I’m sure everything will be fine, sir,” Alex remarked
dryly. “Hopefully by the time they
remembered what life was like before her, she will have already returned.”
“Doomed! Doomed
doomed doomed!” Arthur cried, messily wiping his nose with the cloth.
Used to his displays of hysterics, Alex merely stood next to
the babbling man, offering gentle, if not bored, comfort.
“Who’s doomed, Dad?” Ronald Weaseley inquired, plopping down
in one of the uncomfortable chairs in front of the desk.
“Wha- Ron! Wha…what
are you talking about?” Arthur said nervously, attempting to make his voice sound
jovial.
Ron shrugged, polishing an apple on his shirt.
blaring down the hall about being doomed.”
Arthur froze.
Alex didn’t bat an eye.
“It’s the acoustics of the building sir; sound tends to travel better
when doors are closed.”
A voice from outside chimed in, “And we already finished
that experiment with the parrot and octopus!
Who does the same experiment twice?!”
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Diary entry No. 45.5, Vol. V
I might as well let it all out, now that the shit part is
getting old. No more holding back my
feelings and thoughts – self loathing be damned!! This is a diary, and from this day forth, I shall use it
properly.
Reasons why my life is shit (in no particular order):
- Although
one of the brightest witches to come out of Hogwarts, and despite the
prestige of being top researcher for the Ministry, I am not
respected. People treat me as if
my intelligence is a given, and a tool for them to use whenever and
however they please. After they
get what they want, it’s back to treating me horribly.
- Harry
and Ron, though I love them dearly and I know they love me, are so madly
in love with a.)their careers and b.) the women in their lives, that I
have taken the role of the fifth wheel.
This isn’t a recent development in their behavior.
- I am
28, and am a virgin. Not only a
virgin in sex, but also a virgin in groping, kissing, hand holding,
smoldering eye contact, flirting, and whatever fun, naughty things that
involve the opposite sex. Bugger.
- Besides
Harry, Ron, Ginny, and maybe Lavender, I have no friends.
friends as well, I suppose. I have
my minions at work, but they don’t really count. I find I’d rather have a few good friends than a lot of
superficial ones, but this is ridiculous.
- Crookshanks
died two months ago and I have still not mourned for him properly.
work. Now there is not only
sadness, but guilt.
- I
haven’t bought a new pair of shoes in over 7 years.
- That
last one didn’t really count, but I don’t care. I’m tired of these ugly shoes I bought for comfort and
because they were only on sale.
- Last,
but not least, the driving reason as to why I think my life is shit.
two years is not only not interested in me, but rumors have it he now has
a girlfriend. I could say it’s all
my fault for not acting faster on my feelings, but the truth is, I know
that even if I tried, that beautiful, beautiful man would probably still
reject me.
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There! End of first chapter!! I know it’s all a bit inane, but as the title explains, it’s an
uneventful story. At least for
now. This is my first fanfic, so please
let me know what you all think!
Eventually, there will be lots of romance and angst and hijinks for all!
I draw my inspirations from fanfics that are WONDERFUL and
hopefully I am not plagiarizing them (like Temporary Insanity, Experience, and
many many more that integrate class, romance, angst, and humor all in one!),
silly shows like Monty Python and Simpsons (did you get the jukebox and
octo-parrot references?), and silly books like Terry Pratchett and such.
inspiration from!
Note: My biggest weakness is, yes, tenses.
class folks. I hope you know what I
mean in the story. If not, flexibility
should be considered.